Day 268: 6/5/12 - "I Will Never Be The Same"

"So you walked with me for a while

bared your naked soul

And you told me of your plan

How you would never let them know

In the morning of the night

You cried a long lost child

And I tried, oh I tried to hold you

But you were young and you were wild

And I, I will never be the same

Oh I, I will never be the same..."

-"I Will Never Be The Same" by Melissa Etheridge

Another One Lost Too Soon: I don't know what I originally planned to post about tonight.  I'm sure I had some thoughts in my head from my day today.  But instead I will write about my cousin, Dawn, who died today.  Dawn and I weren't close in the sense of growing up together.  But we were close in age.  She and my brother are only a few months apart and I think her sister Kim and I are about the same age.  No matter, thinking about Dawn being gone makes me think about how I'd feel if I lost my brother.  I wouldn't be ready to let him go.  I don't know how Kim or her little sister Nicki are doing right now.  I'm sure this is still too fresh and too new for them to be able to digest it at all.  I may not have been close to Dawn, but she was still family, I still knew her, and now she is gone.

We called her Mookie.  I don't know why, but it fit.  She had a great smile (I'm told she looked a lot like her mother) and she always seemed to be laughing whenever I saw her.  I don't know what kind of life she had.  By the time I have memories of her, we were all much older, though I have vague memories of us when we were younger.  I'm sad to say that most of the time I saw Dawn was at a funeral, though there were a couple of family get togethers that weren't so sad.  I think the last time I saw her she had come to visit my Mom when she was in the hospital after having back surgery.  She and Kim love my mom and losing Dawn must feel a lot like losing a daughter to my mother.  I think about her children and hope that they will be able to move forward and on with their lives.  I have no doubt that their aunts will be there for them - but I'm sure it won't be the same.

I don't know why Dawn died - I have a vague sense of my mom saying she may have been diabetic, had gotten an infection in her kidney, or something along those lines.  It doesn't really matter since she was only 38 years old.  38 and gone too soon.  I know others have lost someone much younger.  We lost my other cousin a couple of years ago now and she wasn't even 30 yet.  We lost my cousin Pistol when he was much younger than that.  Each loss wears on me as I wonder about the fact that they are gone but I am still here.  They all had children - children who will now have to grow up without a parent.  I see some of these children when I go home to visit - they are being raised by my cousins and they are getting love and support. But it's not the same.  Why are they gone, but I'm still here?

I won't sleep tonight - I never do when I'm struck by any level of grief.  I'm being selfish right now and thinking about myself.  I can't help but to think about what I will lose one day.  We all lose someone...sometimes we lose ourselves.  I have to remind myself that when its me, I won't know it...I won't know anything.  What will I leave behind?  I have no children to find someone to care for...I have only me.  Who will leave me behind and what will I leave behind?  I won't sleep tonight, but that's nothing new.  I won't sleep tonight, thinking about what I'll leave behind, thinking about being left behind...I won't sleep tonight.

Day 192: 3/21/12 - "How Do You Get That Lonely"

"How do you get that lonely,

how do you hurt that bad

To make you make the call

That havin' no life at all is better than the life you had

How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go

How do you get that lonely and nobody knows..."

-"How Do You Get That Lonely" by Blaine Larsen

So True...So Scary: This song struck a cord with me on a number of levels.  It also frightened me because it is easy to get lonely.  Though I know I'll never get to the point that this story talks about, the loneliness, the hurt, the empty feeling...all that is very real in my life.  The level changes, sometimes on a daily basis, but it is always there.  I'm glad I have another part of me that is strong enough to get me through those times, but I realize that others do not.  I truly don't understand when people make the choice they do, but I do understand what leads to that choice.  I wish everyone health and clarity...

My Mini-Vacation: I'm off to Houston in two days to see some friends.  One side of me is really excited about the prospect.  The other side of me is so tired that she doesn't want to even think about going anywhere, especially anywhere that requires a 3 hour drive!  But I need this time and I need to learn to take time for myself and to spend time with friends.  I'll have to figure out how I'll pay for the trip in the long run, but I'll manage.  I have to stop begrudging myself, time for me.  Why do I make it so hard on myself?

Day 153: 2/11/12 - "The Greatest Love of All"

"The greatest love, of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all..."

-"The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston (RIP)

Exercise Overkill: As I sit hit typing and noticing the pain in my legs, I realize that I slightly overdid it with the exercise today.  After I finished my 9 miles (and it was a tough nine miles - I took a different route, found the biggest hill I've eve tried to run up - had to walk part of it - and found a really great view of Texas), I came home, had a quick meal and then headed out to play tennis for a couple of hours.  I didn't do too badly at tennis today (I lost 6-4, 6-1) but I definitely ran out of steam in the 2nd set!  Needless to say, if I were playing tennis professionally, I'd never be crazy enough to run 9 miles before trying to play.  I did treat myself to frozen yogurt though - which I think was well earned!

RIP Whitney Houston: People pass, young and old, rich and poor, famous and unknown, but even I was shocked to hear of the death of Whitney Houston today.  I think I always loved Whitney, especially as a little girl.  My cousin reminded me of this - she even remembered how much I loved singing Whitney Houston songs.  I think its not just her age, but her talent and the downward slide she has been on for the past few years.  What a great talent...what talent wasted.  I hope she rests in peace and that her family can survive this.

Toothache!  I have a serious toothache that I think is actually due to my sinuses!  How awful since it doesn't react to heat or cold or pressure or anything - it just hurts!  And don't let me sneeze - it goes completely nuts!  Now I have to try to find a way to treat a toothache that doesn't want to react to the normal treatment measures I would use!

Day 64: 11/14/11 - "Runaway"

"It's crazy, I know, to count on this road

To give me what I need.

But with every state line

Somehow I find, another part of me..."

-"Runaway" by Love and Theft

Life's Uncertainties: A friend sent me a text today telling me that her brother had passed away.  She had just told me about a month ago that he had cancer, but I didn't realize how serious it was.  I'm sorry that I was not there for her during this tough time, and can only hope that she will recover and survive, while also taking care of her mother who is also battling cancer.  This is the way life is sometimes.  One day you are here, and the next, gone.  I don't want to have my life end and feel the way I do today - there is too much uncertainty in life for me to be wasting my time not doing what I want to do...not being who I want to be.

An Unhappy Raise: I never thought I would see the day where I would get a raise of any kind and not be crowing with happiness.  I know that when I got my raise at NC State I was nearly in tears with gratitude.  But today I simply looked at the letter I received and then put it down and got back to work.  Maybe it is because I somehow feel I don't deserve it?  Or maybe it is like a friend said on FB, that money isn't the most important thing.  I do believe that you can't throw money at your problems (not unless it is a huge amount!) and expect them to just go away.  And I know for a fact that the problems I have right now won't respond to any amount of money.  I can only hope that I will see the value of the raise one day and appreciate it.  I'm not crazy enough to give it back (as if!) but I can honestly say that I'm not really thinking about it.

Dancing in Circles: I had a new symptom tonight - I got dizzy, truly dizzy and all I did was try to walk in a straight line.  It was disconcerting to lose my balance that way and I can only hope that it was due to fatigue or how quickly I turned around (I've done it before).  I'll add it to the other random symptoms that I seem to be accumulating these days.