Anxiety Attacks: I haven't had one in a long time. My first one happened when I lived in Knoxville back in 2003. What am I so anxious about that I wake up crying and shaking? Dying. I know that it is because of my lack of faith in the existence of an afterlife that leads to my anxiety. Those who have found peace and who believe don't stress about the nothingness that I sense. The nothingness scares me. I can't imagine not being (though I know that I won't know any different). I can't force myself to believe, even though I know it would go a long way towards easing my mind. I can't believe in heaven and hell when I feel that I have experienced one here on earth and would like to experience the other. I also know that this anxiety is also brought on my my loneliness. I fear being alone...dying alone...I was shaky for nearly 30 minutes this morning. I have to fight to keep my mind focused so that I don't go back into that dark place. I can only hope that one day I will find the thing that will give me peace as well. I need to accept it...no matter what it is.
Love: Funny, I seem to love others more than they love themselves or me. Not that I love myself either, so I know how they feel. But I find myself existing for others, who don't care about themselves, and who do destructive things to themselves. They don't care that they hurt me with their actions. They don't see it that way. I think about others all the time (a failing of mine). I think about what my actions will do to them. If I think they will be hurt, I am likely not going to do it. Or, I'm going to try to find another solution and talk to them about it. But I watch them self-destruct and it hurts my heart. I watch them dying (more quickly than they have to), and I struggle for my health. I do all the right things and still I stay ill. Its one of those mysteries of life that I just can't explain.
First Steps. I finally did something for myself. I opened up an Etsy shop to show my knitting. I haven't sold anything yet, but it has been exciting to see the interest in my pieces. I call it Knits by KB and I even designed my own logo! http://www.etsy.com/shop/KnitsByKB. I don't know if I'll ever sell anything, but I've decided to donate any of the hats that don't sell to the cancer wards. At least they'll come in handy for those who might be looking for a little bit of fashion. I need to make some kids' hats as well - not because I want to donate them, but because you can be so much more creative when designing hats for kids. They will wear just about anything!
Here are the pieces I've made recently:
