Day 142: 1/31/12 - "Chances"

"Chances are the fascinations
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them and all I need"

-"Chances" by Five for Fighting

Taking Chances: Sometimes you just have to take a chance - step off of the ledge and hope that somehow, someway there will be something there for you to step upon, or that you'll land on your feet if you fall.  I used to be good at taking chances (very realistic, well thought out ones) but lately I've faltered in my self-faith.  I've allowed doubt to whisper in my ear and tell me that I can't do it...I should be afraid...I shouldn't even try...It's so easy to listen to doubt when it sounds so reasonable.  But not this time...this time I'll listen to that voice that tells me I am strong...that I can do it...that it's my chance to shine...that I should take a chance.

Nightmares: I hate it when I have nightmares, especially very realistic ones that leave you with very real, very visceral reactions.  And if one wasn't bad enough, last night I had two!  I'll detail them here, with the warning that the 2nd one was beyond scary and not something a lot of people will want to read.  Nightmare number one was very odd - I was sitting in a large, sun-drenched board room with others.  And we were all going around in a circle stating our name and our job titles.  When they got to me I realized that I had a job contract in front of me and I was supposed to state my name, my new job title and sign the contract. I remember the feel of the pen in my hand...the heat from the sun, the heavy weight of their stares on me.  And then I pushed the contract away and said "I can't do this."  Then I left.  Switch scenes, I'm now sitting at home with my parents and there is a knock on the door.  There is a man there serving me with a subpoena or summons of some type - I was being sued for breach of contract by the company where I had refused to sign the contract!  I remember waking up gasping and feeling as if I were being watched.  It took me a bit to go back to sleep.  When I finally did, I jumped right into my 2nd nightmare.  Again, a warning as this one was not something I would ever wish on anyone, in dreams or while awake.  I was pregnant but for some reason I was not equating the pains I was having with labor pains.  I decided I needed to take a quick shower, so I hopped in and turned on the hot water.  The next thing I know I feel a sharp pain across my lower abdomen and then the sensation of a baby actually being pushed out of my lower body.  Then I'm holding my baby but she's not breathing and I try everything to get her to breath.  I start screaming and trying to walk and then my father is there and I ask him to take me to the hospital.  Then we are in the car and I'm yelling at my father to drive faster but he won't...he just keeps going about 5 miles an hour and it seems the hospital is just too far away.  I keep trying to breath for my baby, keep crying, and keep yelling at my father.  Then we are at the hospital and they take her away from me...and tell me she is dead...that she never lived...that she never would have lived.  I woke up with a stomach ache and crying for the loss of a child I never had, but I felt the labor, I felt her small limp body, and I cried real tears for her.  Devastating!

Day 141: 1/30/12 - "Say Hello 2 Heaven"

"I, I never wanted

To write these words down for you

With the pages of phrases

Of things we'll never do..."

-"Say Hello 2 Heaven" by Temple of the Dog

Long Overdue: So, those who know me well know that I am super cheap...the ones who are more polite say "frugal" but I'm honest - I'm cheap.  This is why, even though my purse was barely hanging on by a thread and looked like it had seen much better days, I insisted on hanging on to it until the bitter end.  My friends will be very happy to know that I finally caved a bought a new purse on Saturday.  I got it at target, and yes, it was on sale (you can't knock the cheap out of me overnight!).  But I do think it is super cute and it the right size for me. Let's see how long this one lasts though!

Pet Peeves: You all know that I have a few pet peeves.  Today, the one that came out was rude people who won't let others cross the street (or the parking lot in this case).  Twice today I had to wait for a slow moving car to go past me when they could have easily stopped and let me go across to my car.  The worst one was this afternoon when I was the one in the rain.  People, you are in your car and dry...let the person out in the rain go by!  I know that there are no real rules here, and I did stop in safe places so as not to get run over, but come on!  Be a little nicer to each other!

Wardrobe Malfunction: I've decided that my entire wardrobe is a malfunction!  I looked at the outfit that wore today and my shoes and cringed in horror.  What happened to the stylish person I used to be?  I remember when I worked at UTK that I had nice clothes, and cute shoes!  Now I have dowdy clothing and I wear sneakers to work or even when I wear my cute shoes, I negate them with the rest of my clothes.  It's going to cost me a bit, but I think it is time to update the entire wardrobe, including the shoes...I think I can find something comfortable, even though it will cost me more than I want to spend (see the Long Overdue entry above).

Day 140: 1/29/12 - "No Excuses"

"Everyday
Something hits me all so cold
Find me sittin' by myself
No excuses that I know"

-"No Excuses" by Alice in Chains

No Excuse...Other Than Allergies!  I can't believe I forgot to post yesterday!  My excuse is that my allergies have been driving me crazy and I really wasn't thinking very clearly.  I was also tackling two major projects that had deadlines right at that time, so I had to get those done.  I went to bed with the sinking sensation that I was forgetting something important.  Now I know what it was!

And Now it Begins: So last night I took the plunge and started something in motion that I'm not sure how it will end up.  I had both feelings of anxiety and satisfaction as I did it, and I'm not sure right now which feeling was stronger.  I think the feelings of anxiety are fairly normal and that I can ignore them.  I'm just glad that I had feelings of satisfaction as well (and not just anxiety, or even worse, feelings of trepidation). I doubt anything will come out of it, but I had to try and with trying you also have a chance!

Day 139: 1/28/12 - "King Nothing"

"Careful what you wish

Careful what you say

Careful what you wish you may regret it

Careful what you wish you just might get it!"

-"King Nothing" by Metallica

9 miles!  I did 9 miles today in exactly 2 hours.  Not bad considering my back has been bothering me for the past 2 days.  Of course, my back hurts mostly when I sit down or lay down, so walking and running actually seem to help.  I took a different route today which is why I ended up with an extra mile over what I had planned to run.  Also, I wasn't completely tired today when I was done.  I was able to do my laundry and some cleaning and then I went back out and walked to Target and Orange Leaf (my treat for the day).  I actually feel I could have done 10 miles today if I had chosen a route that didn't take me back uphill at the very end.  Next week I think I'll just tag on that extra mile to my normal route and then go from there.

Day 138: 1/27/12 - "3 A.M."

"It's 3 A.M.

I'm awake and my heart is still dreaming

It's 3 A.M.

And outside I hear the souls still screaming..."

-"3 A.M." by Edwin McCain 

ESP: I don't think I actually have ESP, but I will admit that at times there are coincidences that I find odd and a little scary.  Like when I'm listening to the radio and as one song ends I'll start thinking of another song and it will come on the radio.  this has happened a few times to me while driving.  I can likely chock it up to popular songs or overplay on the radio, but still odd.  Then take my choice of songs for the day.  I heard 3 A.M. this morning and chose it as my song...I didn't expect to still be awake at 3:00 A.M., but here I am, only 52 minutes away and not a bit tired!

Tough Decisions: I have to make a tough decision over the next day or so...I have to cut my hair again.  Those who know me know that even though I was used to having it short once it was cut, I still wanted it back.  But now it is damaged and breaking off...to the point of creating bald spots in the front.  It is time to start over again, I think.  I might even put a little color on it..though I have to be careful since my hair is obviously damaged.  I'll miss it, but it only takes a year for it to grow, and this time, if I take better care of it, I might be able to get it to grow even faster!  I'll post pictures once I make the big cut...I might even cut it myself (yes, I know that could be dangerous!).

Day 137: 1/26/12 - "Overjoyed"

 "Over time, I've been building my castle of love
Just for two, though you never knew you were my reason
I've gone much too far, for you now to say
That I've got to throw my castle away"

-"Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder

Blanket In Action: I love seeing items I've made actually being used.  My former staff member who just had her first child sent me a picture of him wrapped in his blanket and wearing the hat I made for him.  Isn't he cute?  This is what makes me want to knit more.  Anytime I can see someone actually enjoying something that I made for them personally, it makes it all worthwhile (including the callouses and snagged fingernails).  I now know that finishing the other blanket I'm working on and then starting a new one will be very easy for me, because I know the joy that they can bring.

Dangerous to Myself: I am the worst person for myself!  I tend to hurt myself very easily (walking into things, falling down, etc.).  Today I woke up and I felt fine...then I leaned over slightly to drop something onto the couch and my lower back just "went out" (as my father would say).  Now I'm struggling to get up from couches and chairs, and laying down also hurts.  I've taken a muscle relaxer and also an anti-inflammatory and I plan to go to bed early tonight.  Hopefully this will help me to get better faster - I hate walking around with a limp!

Day 136: 1/25/12 - "I Do"

"When I'm done with thinking, then I'm done with you.
When I'm done with crying, then I'm done with you.
When I feel so tired, then I'm done with you.
Everybody feels this way sometimes, everybody feels this way"

-"I Do" by Lisa Loeb

Stormy Weather: We had some serious storms blow through last night, and today at work I heard from others that they were also awakened by the storm and often unable to go back to sleep.  But oddly enough, they also reported that their children (and dogs) were not bothered by the storm.  I also woke up because of the storms, but I had no trouble going back to sleep (which is the exact opposite of my usual MO).  I heard the hail and the rain, saw the lightening and heard the thunder...and rolled over and went back to sleep.  Maybe I was in a stormy weather kind of mood.  Or maybe I was simply still exhausted by my trip.  But whatever the cause, I was glad to be able to get some sleep despite the storm raging outside.

So Much To Do: I was trying to get through all of my e-mails and projects today and failed miserably.  But on the positive side, I did put a dent in the list.  I'll have to tackle it again tomorrow and hopefully a day of fewer meetings will actually help me to focus more and accomplish more.  I plan to create some written to-do lists as well.  Maybe they'll help me to figure a few things out along the way.

Day 135: 1/24/12 - "Broken"

"Because I'm broken when I'm open

And I don't feel like I am strong enough

Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when your gone away"

-"Broken" by Seether

Wow.  That's the only word I can think of to describe just how tired I am today after coming back from the conference and then putting in a full and somewhat interesting day at work.  I do know that having meetings of great import before noon on a day after I've traveled is just plain mean.  I can only hope that I held my own in the meeting (I feel as if I did, but I have no way of knowing just yet).

Broken: So I realized today that somehow I messed up my earring (the one I had put in my right ear through the cartilage).  The back of the earring is just not fitting properly.  I'm trying to figure out how to fix it without taking out the earrings (which told me not to do that)  I'll try to fix it before I go to be tonight (if I can keep my eyes open long enough too!).

Day 134: 1/23/12 - "Pur Your Records On"

"Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Got to love that afro hair do.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down."

-"Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae

So Tired - So This Will be Short:  With conference finally being over, it is easy to hope that you will be able to just go back to the way things were before you started the conference.  But every time I find myself coming back with new ideas, new directions, and a new sluggishness that is hard to shake.  Right now it is not even 10:00 pm and I am flagging.  The highlight of the day had to be having a mini-concert experience with Lisa Loeb.  I love all of her songs (and she played my favorite ones), even the cutesy little sing-a-long ones.  I don't think I won anything this year but with the travel voucher for presenting, I think I got my prize already.

Day 133: 1/22/12 - "Giving In"

"Tragic it seems, to be alone again
I'm giving in to you

Take me under
I'm giving in to you
I'm dying tonight
I'm giving in to you
Watch me crumble
I'm giving in to you
I'm crying tonight
I'm giving in to you"

-"Giving In" by Adema

Posting Late:  This post is a day late due the late night I had yesterday.  Sunday was definitely the busiest day I had at conference.  After giving a successful presentation (and rocking my new yellow and black dress), I participated in the LIRT discussion forum, then I headed over to another hotel and participated in my committee meeting.  I then had a chance to change and work on items I needed for the next day.  Then one more informal meeting before we began the round of parties for the nights.  First up was the Thomson-Reuters reception which was at the Magnolia Hotel.  Great event with great food and saw a number of old friends and made some new ones.  Then we headed over to event number two, which was the Proquest Vogue product launch.  Even better food and dancing going on there at the Omni Hotel.  Had to wade through a dust storm to get there but got some nice pics of the Omni all lit up.  After some fun there, headed over to the Elsevier dessert reception at Eddie Deen's.  My friend actually sat on a long horn, while I got to line dance (I learned the wobble!) and tried my hand at mechanical bull riding.  I fell off the bull after only 4 seconds and skinned my arm, but wow, was it fun!  We also got free cowboy hats and got to enjoy a number of different desserts.  Finally we took a cab over to the La Grange for the Mango exclusive party and got to hang out there.  We got back in right at midnight - and I considered it a very successful day! (Pictures below)

A Dream Deferred: I smashed my own dream last night but I'm not worried about it.  I had already realized about a year ago that it was an unrealistic dream that didn't make sense in the long run.  Of course, how I smashed my dream likely didn't make sense either but it was a decision I had already made, so I have no regrets about it.  Now I can move on with more realistic ideas, thoughts, and suggestions.  I might need to put the idea of having real dreams on the back burner for a while and concentrate on living in the here and now.

The Omni Hotel

The holiday ornaments (giant) outside of the Omni

Inside the Omni

Day 132: 1/21/12 - "You Are Not Alone"

"That you are not alone, for I am here with you
Though you're far away, I am here to stay
But you are not alone, for I am here with you
Though we're far apart, you're always in my heart
But you are not alone"

-"You Are Not Alone" by Michael Jackson

5 Miles Down: I actually got up at 5:30 am this morning just to run and stay on target for keeping my weight off?  Why?  Because at conference I tend to overeat or just eat unhealthy items.  Running in the morning helps me to at least combat this partially and hopefully keeps me on task for future weight loss.  I'll take tomorrow off since it is Sunday and since I am tired, but I will get right back to it on Monday.

Presentation Tomorrow: I have a presentation tomorrow as part of a panel session and though I feel a little unprepared, I'm not nervous at all.  I guess it is because I know the material so well and I've worked hard to actually act on the items I talk about.  It could also be because being nervous only makes things worse, so I'm not allowing myself to think about it too much.  We'll see if this holds up for the actual time of the panel session. It's easy to talk a big game but you gotta bring it as well.

Day 131: 1/20/12 - "Things I Never Needed"

"I don't want to be the one who lets you down

All I did was run myself around

I wish I could have seen through your eyes

Maybe then I would have realized

I'm the only one who's bleeding

For the things I never needed"

-"Things I Never Needed" by Grace Potter & The Nocturnals

Hanging with My Friend: Today I got to hang with one of my best friends in the world!  It's always good when we are able to get together since we understand each other so well!  It's also nice to spend time with someone who is supportive and non-judgmental (she says likewise!).  It will only be a few days but hopefully it will rejuvenate me.  She also introduced me to a new artist that I will start listening to - Grace Potter & the Nocturnals (hence the song of the day!).

Toys & Candy!  Tonight we hit the Exhibits Grand Opening at the conference and on top of the free food (we only tried the phyllo wrapped asparagus with Parmesan cheese and the not sweet enough lemonade).  After running into everyone that we know and entering all of the contests, the highlight of the night was getting our free sportscar mouse for our computers (with working headlights).  Check out the pic below!  I also picked up some good chocolate for later eating - this year seems to be a hotbed for the good stuff (Hershey's and Dove).

Day 130: 1/19/12 - "What Do You Want From Me?"

"Hey, slow it down, whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?
Yeah, I'm afraid, whataya want from me?
Whataya want from me?"

-"What Do You Want From Me?" by Adam Lambert

Something New: Today I flew for the first time without taking Dramamine.  It was a true adventure as I realized that my motion sickness is definitely not in my head.  I basically forgot that I had not taken anything at all until I started to feel nauseous about 10 minutes into the flight.  Then I had to spend the rest of the time making sure I didn't get too sick.  Sprite zero helped keep me calm...and the flight was short so I was able to tough it out.  I'm not sure if I'll do the same thing on the way back, but it was nice to not be so tired when I got in and it was nice not to have the side effects that taking Dramamine can sometimes cause.

Stumbling Into Paradise: Okay, so Fountain Place isn't really paradise, but it is a beautiful place that I stumbled upon as I was walking around Dallas today.  It is very park-like with small fountains, benches, and lots of shade.  But the little "dancing" water spouts is what I really enjoyed watching.  I took some pics and a video so that anyone interested can take a look. Sorry, no music to go with the dancing, but you can imagine a nice classical piece to accompany the show!

Daily Oddities: Sometimes I find things just to be "odd."  I'm sure others don't see them that way but to each his/her own.  Here are my oddities from today:

• Coming off the plane in Dallas, the hallways was painted with a tropical scene.  This makes no sense to me considering Dallas is a landlocked city..nary a beach in site!  It made we want to get on another plane and go to the tropical place.  Shouldn't you have images related and welcoming people to Dallas?
• Information on websites should match information provided at the actual location, correct?  Then why did Supershuttle say to call when you arrived, but their phone message from the courtesy phone said to just go out to the curb?  You could have told me this online!  And Sheraton - your website says that Internet is not free - so why when I come to my room you say it is (I'm not complaining!)?

Day 129: 1/18/12 - "Pay For What You Get"

"Work ourselves, finger to the bone

Suck the marrow, drain my soul

Pay your dues, and your debts

Pay your respect, everybody tells you

You pay for what you get..."

-"Pay For What You Get" by Dave Matthews Band

Overload: I am so not ready for the conference - I'm forgetting to pack things, and I've left items at work that I'll have to go get in the morning (taking me out of my way in terms of getting to the airport).  I've never needed to make lists in the past to prepare for a trip  -but this time I wish I had!  At least I'll be in Dallas fairly quickly tomorrow - and I can get a little work done and some rest once I check in.  The bad thing is that my hotel charges for wi-fi!

SuperShuttle should be Ashamed!  I went to schedule my Super Shuttle van and I checked the prices online earlier that day, so when I went back, I went through Southwest because I get miles for using a partner.  What do I see when I go to schedule my trip?  They are charging a dollar more through the southwest portal.  I think that is so unfair!  I wonder who is to blame?  Southwest or SuperShuttle?

Day 128: 1/17/12 - "Typical Situation"

"It's a typical situation

In these typical times

Too many choices..."

-"Typical Situation" by Dave Matthews Band

Not Enough Time: It's really tiresome when you put in extra work on the weekend, your day off, and still you find yourself getting more and more behind when you go to work.  So you come home and put in another 3 hours of work and wind up losing the time you should be setting aside for yourself.  This has got to stop!

What To Pack: One of my least favorite things to do as I get ready for a conference is pack.  Why? Because I never know what to take!  At least this time I can pack pretty much whatever I want since I'm flying Southwest and can take two bags.  But that still doesn't help me with picking out what to wear.  Do I need items for "dress up"?  How many sets of workout clothes do I need?  Which shoes should I take?  The decisions are endless!  And then I have to factor in the weather for where I'm going.  In the winter they either send us somewhere cold or they send us somewhere that should be warm but is way too cold!  I'll just have to play it by ear and hope I take enough!

Day 127: 1/16/12 - "Imagine"

"You, you may say
I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one"

-"Imagine" by John Lennon

Celebrating MLK Day: I've never marched for a cause.  I've never had to go to the back of a bus...plain...train...or any other type of mass transit unless I wanted to.  I've never had to drink from a particular water fountain or been denied the right to sit at a lunch counter because of the color of my skin.  And I've never had to fight for the right to have the same level of education as other children.  I am able to learn and go where I want to.  I am able to live my life in a way that others could only imagine a few years ago.  I am able to do all of these things because of countless numbers of people who marched...sat-in...and died for the right to do so, only one of which was Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  Thank you Dr. King, and all of the others who have given me the opportunities that you did not have.  I may not march or stand in vigil, but I do know what you did for me.

Granola Bars!  I decided to try my hand at granola bars again, and this time I relied on the Food Network recipe from Alton Brown.  I think they turned out much better this time - likely because I didn't burn them!  But also because I didn't try to put any chocolate into them (I think that really didn't go over well).  I went with the exact recipe except for the fruit - I only had dried cranberries and raisins, so I put only about 4 oz. into the mix.  I still think they turned out well and even though they crumbled when I cut them, they make very good granola.

Aussie Open: The Australian Open started yesterday, and so far no major surprises, though I'm seeing some very good games, especially on the men's side.  But I would like to dedicate this particular entry paragraph to a growing problem in tennis...grunting.  I am not a big fan of Maria Sharapova (for reasons I won't go into here), but one of the things that truly bothers me is how loud she is when she plays. She's not the worst, though I'm sure there are others who would disagree.  I think Serena Williams is also one of the culprits.  But the final straw has been the large number of men turning into loud grunters as they play.  The reason I'm even thinking about this is because I just watched a point between Ryan Harrison and Andy Murray and though both men were hitting the ball hard, running back and forth, and exerting themselves heavily, there was not one grunt to be heard.  How refreshing!  Even when you hear noise, you hear their breathing and the occasional "mini-grunt."  But nothing so loud that you would worry glass might break (or maybe just your ear drum).  Can we get a rule against the grunting?

Day 126: 1/15/12 - "Hold On"

"I know there's pain

Why do you lock yourself up in these chains?

No one can change your life except for you

Don't ever let anyone step all over you."

-"Hold On" by Wilson Phillips

Letting Go: Have you ever had a moment when you realized that something you had always dreamed of having was never going to happen to or for you?  I've had this happen off and on over the years and always I've just rearranged by dreams so that I was still able to cling to at least part of a dream.  But today I had one of those "never gonna happen" epiphanies and I can honestly say that this one broke my heart.  Today I realized I would never own my own home.  Now, I know what most of you are thinking - isn't it a little too early for me to make this declaration?  But the truth is, I've felt this way for some time. And there is more to this than just money.  Getting enough money to make a down payment on a house is going to be a daunting task.  Getting a bank to give me a loan would be difficult.  Being able to afford the monthly payments, along with the taxes, insurance, and general house maintenance that will be needed - completely out of my reach.  Finding a city I want to live in long enough to actually buy a house?  That might be even more difficult than the money aspects.  Maybe in some ways this will be a good thing.  I won't have anyone to leave a house to anyway, and why would I want to live alone in a house?  The next thing you know I'll go out and start adopting stray animals and become that scary lady down the street that all of the kids are afraid of.  No thank you - I'll stick to apartment living until its time to put me in a nursing home.

No Water: Tomorrow they plan to shut off the water in the complex for most of the day if not longer.  They found a broken water line in the complex and apparently have to turn off all of the water to fix it.  Of course they can't guarantee that they'll even get it fixed by 5.  They would manage to pick a day when everyone will be home due to a holiday.  What are we supposed to do with no water for a day?  The toilets won't even flush without water!  This could get very ugly my friends.  They've told us to fill up our tubs for any water we may need but that won't help me in the kitchen (no way I'm cleaning or cooking with bath tub water!).  I'm off to figure out if I have any containers in the kitchen that will hold some water for me.  *sigh*

Day 125: 1/14/12 - "Interstate Love Song"

"Waiting on a Sunday afternoon

For what I read between the lines

Your lies..."

-"Interstate Love Song" by Stone Temple Pilots

8 Mile: No, not the movie - the distance of my run today.  It was definitely much more successful than the first 8 mile run I did a couple of weeks ago.  I actually took nearly 15 minutes off of my total time and averaged 13 minute miles (I was doing nearly 15 minute miles previously).  In fact, if not for the last two lights catching me, I would have averaged sub-13 minute miles.  I had to give up my tennis time today, though.  My right knee decided to swell and stiffen in response to the long run, so I decided to stay in and rest it.  I might be able to run tomorrow now (or at least go for a nice long walk!).

Short Week: Thank you ALA for the short work week ahead.  Sometimes you really need those to actually get your work done.  I know, that doesn't sound like it makes sense, but it does!  Add MLK day to it, and its an even shorter week.  But there is one issue that I have to face: they will be shutting off my water on MLK day to fix a broken pipe somewhere on the property.  The water may be off for the WHOLE DAY!!!  Are they nuts!  They pick a holiday when everyone will be home rather than a day when most would be at work and/or school!  I'm actually thinking of going in to work just to have working toilets!

Day 124: 1/13/12 - "Foolish Games"

"Excuse, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else

Somebody who gave a damn

Somebody more like myself..."

-"Foolish Games" by Jewel

Wake Up Call!  I hate getting up at different times on different days - it really throws the rest of my day off.  Now, yesterday it was only 30 minutes and it didn't impact me as much as I thought it would (except I did get better parking at work so I guess there are some perks).  But the other day I had to get up at 5:30 so that I could be at work by 7:00 and the rest of the day just didn't go well.  I would need to always get up at 5:30 every day and because of the medication I have to take every day, it throws me of if I have to take my medicine at a different time or if I try to take it at the same time, then I can't eat until a different time.

Forgetful Me  I'm actually posting this on Saturday since I completely forgot to post last night.  It was the first time since I started posting that I didn't even realize that I hadn't posted.  That rarely happens since I've even had a time where I was just about to fall asleep and I had one of those "oops" moments.  I got up and posted and then went to bed.  I'm not too worried about this one lapse - I think it could even be a good sign because maybe it means I had a good enough day that I didn't feel the urge to post anything.  I'll do better tomorrow (or actually today) and remember to post on time!

Day 123: 1/12/12 - "Judith"

"Pray to your Christ, to your God
Never taste of the fruit, never stray, never break, never
Choke on a lie even though he's the one who
Did this to you, you never thought to question "Why?""

-"Judith" by A Perfect Circle

Animated Films...Again: Tonight was another night of watching an animated film and this time it was Toy Story.  Many people were surprised that I hadn't seen it yet (considering how long ago it came out).  But I just never got around to it.  Compared to last night's film, I found Toy Story to be a bit bloodthirsty by kid's standards.  There was a bit of raunchy humor there (that most kids would not get) but there was a lot of revenge, violence, vindictiveness, and meanness in there.  I know what the final message was, and I got it, but jeez!

Cedar Fever!  Apparently, even if you don't have the full cedar fever, you can still be impacted by the cedar around here.  Me?  I get a runny nose, sneezing, and a sore throat.  Which also means I feel icky almost every day!  Come on!  This is not fair!  And of course the temperature dropped again (and will go back up in a couple of days) which really plays havoc with my allergies.  Oh well, I'm probably not suffering as much as some others.

Today Was a Good Day: I had a good day at work today...though I still can't quite put my finger on why just yet.  I guess I should take it and be happy, but I would rather figure out what I did to make it happen and find a way to repeat it!  Maybe even bottle it and sell it!

Day 122: 1/11/12 - "Burden in My Hand"

"Close your eyes and bow your head

I need a little sympathy

Cause fear is strong

And love's for everyone who isn't me..."

-"Burden in My Hand" by Soundgarden

More than a movie: I love watching good animated films.  Yes, I'm an adult who prefers the humor and story lines found in well-made movies that feature drawn characters.  Today I watched How to Train Your Dragon and though I loved the humor, I was floored by the complexity of the story itself.  The dynamics between father and son.  The impact that being different had on not only one person but an entire group.  And what a simple act of kindness could do.  I'll to remember that last one as I continue to struggle with the actions of others.

Watch your back: I'm always floored by the number of people who feel unsafe in some aspect of their lives.  Whether it be their job, their relationships, their education - they struggle with feeling as if someone else has too much power and control over them.  In some cases they are correct in their worry and in others, you worry about them being delusional (or at least paranoid).  I'm one of those people and I'm working to eliminate that feeling from my life.  I don't like it and I've decided that there is no place for it in my life.  But it is easy for me to say that I'm going to "handle" it.  I have no control over some things (including the actions of others), but I can at least put myself into situations where I am safer.  Wish me luck!

Day 121: 1/10/12 - "Let it Rain"

"It's hard to find the perfect time to say something
you know, is gonna change everything"

-"Let it Rain" by David Nail

Cake Fail: I hate it when my cakes stick to the bottom of my pan.  It's my own fault for using the off-brand cooking spray.  I either need to use the baking spray (with the flour), use the old fashioned grease and flour trick, or use my parchment paper.  Instead, I went with the quick and easy and got near disaster!  It will be a miracle if my dark chocolate cake with dark chocolate icing survives the night and isn't split in half tomorrow.  Of course, part of the problem is also that the cake is just so moist!  Moist cakes tend to stick and also tend to fall apart.  I'll hope it gets eaten quickly and I no one notices the odd shape!

That was Not Exciting:  There are times where I realize that there is so much more I can accomplish when I'm not slowed down by the actions of others.  Then there are times when I realize that it is the action of others that cause me to become more energized and determined to prove them wrong.  I almost made a social gaffe today during a large meeting...I'm glad I controlled my instinctive actions, as it would have been noticed by many and also would have been on tape.  Gotta be careful what you do and say around certain people!

How Flattering!  When others think of you and offer you much respect by recommending you for something, it really is a good feeling.  I know I try to do that as often as I can, making sure I show support for people I know not only need it but deserve it.  I will say that I also struggle with this kind of flattery, as I often don't see what they see.  But I'm glad they see it and I hope I will one day learn to see it in myself.

Day 120: 1/9/12 - "I'm Your Baby Tonight"

"Now it's like I'm fatal, 

It's all on the table
And baby you hold the cards, 

and You got the magic
And I gotta have it, 

I don't want the pieces
I want every single part, 

I'll be your angel
I'm ready and able, 

Whatever you want is fine
Whenever you're ready, 

just call on your lady
I'll be your baby tonight"

-"I'm Your Baby Tonight" by Whitney Houston

So Whitney: There are just days when I get Whitney Houston songs stuck in my head and today was one of those.  First it was I'm Your Baby Tonight, and then it was So Emotional.  Then all of a sudden I've got Where Do Broken Hearts Go followed by My Name is Not Susan.  I miss the old Whitney - you know, the one who was not strung out or married to a crazy man.  I hate that someone with such a pure talent could waste it all the way she has.  I still love to hear her sing and some of her earlier stuff is still the best out there.

Sleepy!  I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open past 10:00 pm these days!  Today is no exception, and I'm trying to finish this post while watching the end of the BCS championship game (though it looks like a one-sided affair with the Crimson Tide rolling over LSU).  I'm trying to track these sleepy spells that have started to hit me - I have to be careful as this could be a sign that my medication for my thyroid hormones isn't working correctly.  Or it could just mean I'm tired. :-)

Day 119: 1/8/12 - "All Your Life"

"I don't want the whole world

The sun, the moon and all their light

I just wanna be the only girl

You love all your life....."

-"All Your Life" by The Band Perry

Not Good Enough: I was trying to catch up on some of my DVR'd shows today (in between the football games) and I wanted an episode of Body of Proof.  The episode was about a girl who died on her wedding day but the underlying theme was this idea that some people go too far to change the way they look and how others often erroneously support those decisions and changes (or even encourage them).  But it was also about how insecure many of us really are.  There was a part where one of the characters said "There are days where I feel I'm just not good enough" (or something like that) and the other character replied that he was in the same boat.  And there I was nodding along with them.  I've definitely had days like that.  I'm disgusted by the decision that I make based on how I see myself.  Even at my current age, I'm embarrassed to say that I still want to change myself so that I'll be more attractive to people.  I keep asking myself what I could do - how much harder I can work to achieve some major body differences.  That way I won't hate myself and maybe someone else could at least like me a little.  I know it all starts with me though, and I know I have to be real with myself both on the inside and the outside.

What a Day!  I had one of those days where it started out a little crazy and then just sort of died down after that.  I got up and ran nearly 5 miles this morning and then tried to play tennis, but got caught by the rain.  Then tonight I decided to make myself some chicken noodle soup...and some oven roasted potatoes...and some homemade biscuits.  No wonder I'm tired by 11:00!

Day 118: 1/7/12 - "Open Up Your Eyes"

"Choosing stones...

big enough to drag me down.

Where I am...

People's voices make hollow sounds

Just be quiet...

They'll go away

Open up your eyes

Don't let your mind tell the story here."

-"Open Up Your Eyes" by Tonic

What to do, what to do!  I hate feeling indecisive about anything.  I'm a big fan of being able to make a decision (with the best information available to me) and feeling confident in that decision (no matter the outcome).  But today I'm floating in the Indecisive Sea of Angst.  Talk about ruining my productivity!  When I get indecisive about decisions I also tend to get a little listless - I don't want to do anything!  I really need to work on that and learn to separate the parts of my life that need decisions to be made from those that I should just be able to work on without worrying about making a decision.  Take my knitting for example - that shouldn't require anything but monotonous, repetitive, I'm getting sleepy, action.  Which is why I'm going to go work on that right now!

When friends piss you off: I find that I often get very mad at my friends, though I still consider them to be my friends.  There are days where there actions or words make me want to throw something at them!  But then I remind myself that it is just them being them, and that to be a friend you often have to accept those things. I also realize that they likely get pissed at me too - so I should be very careful about thinking about it as a one way street.  But today was definitely an "I need some rotten tomatoes to throw" kind of day!

Day 117: 1/6/12 - "Outside"

"I'm on the outside

I'm looking in

I can see through you

See your true colors

Cause inside your ugly..."

-"Outside" by Staind

I Only Ask for Equality: I've never expected or asked anyone for special treatment.  I only wanted to be afforded the same level of respect that you give others.  So why do you keep changing the rules and disrespecting me in the process?  I'm thinking of all of the analogies that I can compare this to.  Speaking out of both sides of your mouth...two-faced...wishy-washy...none of them are very positive for you.  But of course you can't see yourself the way others see you.  You think your behaviors are justified and right.  And you, of course, have no intention of ever apologizing for the bad way you treated me in the past.  Luckily for me, I don't hold grudges. But the writing is on the wall - you don't have to hit me twice for me to get the true picture.  I'll be out of your hair soon enough!

Day 116: 1/5/12 - "Flinch"

"How long can a girl be shackled to you?

How long before my dignity is reclaimed?

How long can a girl be tortured by you?

Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name.

Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name..."

-"Flinch" by Alanis Morissette

It's Not a Habit...Today I ordered my girl scout cookies from a colleague who sells them for her daughter.  And as I was reading a friend's reply on Facebook about needing to get hooked up, I started thinking about how much the girl scout cookie buying has turned into something akin to a drug addiction for many of us.  Look at it this way.

• We crave the cookies and often once we get them and start eating them, we can't stop.
• We're willing to pay more for a small amount of cookies than we do for packs of cookies in the store.
• They sell them in front of stores now instead of door to door, so when you approach them you feel as if you are doing something you shouldn't be.
• We often feel guilty for eating girl scout cookies.

I'm sure there are a few other reasons but those are my top 4.  I even responded to the post by saying that it was time to get our fixes and that I had an in-house dealer so I didn't have to approach strange children and their parents to buy my cookies this year.  But it's not a habit...I promise...I can stop buying them any time I want to!

Day 115: 1/4/12 - "Burning Bright"

"I feel like there is no need for conversation

Some questions are better left without reason

and I would rather reveal myself than my situation

Now and then I consider, my hesitation

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different

To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence

And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation

Here and now I'll express, my situation

There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right

Such a cruel contradiction

I know I cross the lines it's not easy to define

I'm born to indecision

There's always something new some path I'm supposed to choose

With no particular rhyme or reason

The more the light shines through me

I pretend to close my eyes

The more the dark consumes me

I pretend I'm burning, burning bright"

-"Burning Bright" by Shinedown

Time for Self-Embarrassment: What could I possibly do to embarrass myself to potentially millions of people?  Why, create a video of myself singing and rapping about baseball!  I'll post it here for the enjoyment of my friends (and probably a few strangers).  It's also on my new baseball themed blog throwingcurves.blogspot.com.  Laughing is allowed (I can laugh at myself) but you may not critique my singing or rapping (they weren't meant to be good...just creative!).

 

Updating my CV: It's been awhile since I updated my CV and with evaluation time right around the corner, I decided to tackle it tonight and get it over with.  Needless to say, I hate updating that darn thing!  It's so tedious and trying to remember what I did in the past year is like asking me what I ate ten years ago to the day...I don't know!  I know this should be enough of an incentive for me to now update it as things happen, but the odds of me doing that are slim to none.  In case you are wondering, I actually shortened it by a page.  It was getting too long to be useful!

Dreams or Alternate Realities?  I'm a very big fan of science fiction and fantasy (to the point that I'm trying to write my own stories).  Last night I had one of my strange dreams that felt very real and featured real people with real locations, and real sensations.  So today I had the odd thought that some of my dreams aren't really dreams, but alternate realities...my life in other dimensions, if you will.  What was I doing in this life last night?  I stayed in band and was marching in college.  I was dating one of the tuba players (The realistic sensation?  His lips brushing against the nape of my neck, his hand holding mine).  We were definitely still in college and had lunch at the dining hall. My parents were visiting and were meeting him for the first time (They loved him!).  Then all of a sudden we were walking across campus on our way to class but for some reason there was a strange field of flattened bushes in the way and I had trouble walking across them.  He came back to help me and we were laughing as we stumbled around.  It was a fun dream...one I woke up smiling from.  I wish some things had been even more clear (like his name or his face).  But it was definitely a much better dream than some that I've had!

Day 114: 1/3/12 - "Beautiful Disaster"

"And every magazine tells her she's not good enough
The pictures that she sees makes her cry
She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home"

-"Beautiful Disaster" by Jon McLaughlin

Another One?  Today I started a new blog.  I know what you are thinking - "Another one?  I mean, come one, Kawanna.  Aren't two enough?  You barely even remember to post in the professional one!"  To this I have to say that I've been able to maintain this one and keep my promise to post daily.  And the real reason I haven't posted in my professional one is that I haven't had anything to say (and yes, I'm being defensive!).  My new blog is completely sports based (mostly baseball).  I started it because...well, just read the first post and you'll see why I started it.  The address is http://throwingcurves.blogspot.com.

What She Said  Apparently, after winning her first match of the 2012 season, Serena Williams said that she doesn't love tennis.  Check out the story on ESPN if you want to read the details.  Not everyone has been happy about this statement but I think the only person who should be sad about it is Serena Williams.  How many of us are working jobs that don't make us happy anymore?  How many of us are still in it just for the money and if we could, we would do something else?  And how many of us realize that there isn't anything else that we can do, because our jobs bring in the bacon.  I think this is what Serena Williams was trying to say (and yes, she might have been able to put it in a better way, but I think she was being truthful).  I can only wish her luck in finding what she does love and then doing it.  She'll have a better shot at it than most of us with the amount of money she has.  Me, I just have to keep trying to win the lottery!

Day 113: 1/2/12 - "That I Would Be Good"

"that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds"

-"That I Would Be Good" by Alanis Morissette

What's So Happy About It?  I've always wondered about this idea that a simple change in the date, the flip of a calendar could be enough to make people believe that they can truly just start over.  Why do we feel that we have to wait for that date to come and go?  Why do we feel the need to make New Year's resolutions?  In my personal opinion, if you wait until the New Year to make a resolution, then you've already failed.  If something is important enough to do, then  you should do it right away and not wait for some arbitrary date to make a change.  There is nothing happier about this "new year" for me than the "old year" I just came out of.  I did not get happier in the last two days just because the calendar now tells me that it is 2012.  What I got was the same thing I had and it was no different than what I had a week ago, a month ago, or even a year ago...nothing.

Something to Brighten My Day: Even when I'm all doom and gloom, some things can still brighten my day.  Someone happily wearing a hat that I knit?  That makes me happy!  

This is the daughter of one of my colleagues.  I was in my hat knitting mood and she let me know that her girls liked pink and brown, so I decided to create a slightly over-sized striped hat for her oldest daughter and a similar one for her youngest daughter.  Her oldest daughter apparently loves her new hat and hopefully I made it big enough that she can wear it for quite some time.  See?  I can still have my day brightened!

Public Embarrassment: For those who know how much of a baseball fan I am, you won't be surprised to learn that I am applying to live in the MLB Fan Cave this season.  As part of the application process, I have to create a video and I decided to create two songs (one to the tune of Take Me Out to the Ball Game) to show how I can be entertaining.  I seriously doubt that I will get selected but at least I'm trying for something that I really want (and not just randomly entering a contest based on luck). I'll have to post my video online and I'll eventually invite my friends to look (and make fun of me!), but that is just part of the process.  Wish me luck - it could be a life changing experience!

Day 112: 1/1/12 - "Pardon Me"

"A decade ago, I never thought I would be

At twenty three on the verge of spontaneous combustion woe is me

But I guess that it comes with the territory

An ominous landscape of never-ending calamity.

I need you to hear. I need you to see.

That I have had all I can take

And exploding seems like a definite possibility

To me..."

-"Pardon Me" by Incubus

Today Was Not a Good Day: I should have known when I went to bed feeling sorry for myself that I was not going to have a good day today.  I woke up feeling worse than when I went to bed and the day only went downhill from there.  I can only blame myself for my bad mood and the bad things that happened today.  No one else did anything to make this day worse...it was all me.  I can't put my finger on what exactly sparked my downhill slide.  I've tried to look back at a number of things and see if I could lay the blame on one event, one person, even just one thought, but I honestly can't.  I think it must be a combination of things that have just started to pile up on me and now I feel like I can't move.  I feel old today.  My body hurts.  My mind hurts.  I don't know what to do to make it better.

Dreaming Big: I once wrote that I stopped dreaming, and on some fronts, this is still true.  But I also realized today that in many ways and for many things, I'm still dreaming big.  I know without a doubt that none of these dreams will actually come true, but these are the ones that are still with me.  I'll write about these dreams one day...just not today...

One down...364 to go...