Day 171: 2/29/12 - "Don't Let Me Get Me"

"Everyday I fight a war against the mirror

I can't take the person starin' back at me..."

-"Don't Let Me Get Me" by P!nk

Happy Leap Year:  It's always interesting when Leap Year rolls around because of that extra day.  I actually know someone born on February 29th and we always joked that he aged more slowly than others, since he really only celebrated his birthday every 4 years.  That would make him a little over 8 years old now...I think (math was never my strong suit). 

When Life Bites Back:  You always try to take a bite out of life and live it to the fullest.  But what do you do when life bites back?  It does to me on a regular basis, but it really hit a couple of people I know pretty hard over the past week or so.  I try to help them cope but its difficult when things make them feel embarrassed and they aren't willing/able to share the whole or true story with you.  I'll keep plugging away, and hopefully make them see that it is not just them, that others are struggling too, and that they can't just give up.  Pot calling the kettle black!

Day 170: 2/28/12 - "Heaven"

"Maybe I should take my time

And build this life by my own design

With no direction and it's in between

Everything I love and everything I need"

-"Heaven" by O.A.R.

Real Conversations: It's funny how you sometimes get to have conversations with someone that are a bit unexpected but turn out to be one of the best conversations you could have had - especially at that particular time.  That's what happened to me today and though I didn't learn anything new, it was good to get a chance to have someone validate my own thoughts and plans.  It was also painful for me to recount some things that bothered me when they happened but I now realize I had absorbed them and they were festering in me.  This is what leads to increased stress, which is not good for me emotionally or physically.  I now have both feet planted on the ground and pointed in the right direction.  I also have a plan....

Small Victories: Today I accomplished something so small, so insignificant, that no one else would really care or understand.  But to me, it was a victory, albeit a small one.  I can't go into great detail, but suffice it to say that I won the stare down; held my breath the longest; blinked last...you get my drift.  I won!

Planning a Trip: I'm going to plan a trip for myself.  I need to take a vacation - I need to get away.  I need to go and do something fun and completely out of character for me!  I don't know what this is just yet, but I'll figure it out soon.  I also know that no matter what I do, I won't feel guilty about it...won't second guess myself...and won't mope around my hotel room...and won't forget why I'm there to begin with.

Day 169: 2/27/12 - "Fine Again"

"It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold"

-"Fine Again" by Seether

Insomnia:  For some reason I've hit the wall of no sleep again.  I haven't had this problem in a while, and usually it happens when I'm way too stressed.  I'm starting to notice my heart murmur more as well.  My cardiologist mentioned that it was casused by stress, so I need to start taking a real look at my life ot see if I can figure out how to reduce the stress I'm feeling.  I don't deserve a heart problem at my age.  I don't deserve the levels of stress I'm feeling.  I deserve the opportunity to have a normal life with lots of opportunities for joy along with the pain.  Right now I have only the pain.  I should be asleep now, knowing I have to get up tomorrow.  I'll eventually doze off but I'll sleep fitfully and when I wake up, I'll be even more tired than when I went to sleep.  Yep, insomnia is my only friend right now, just not one I want to have hanging around.

Day 168: 2/26/12 - "Around Here"

"Around here, we always stand up straight

Round here, something radiates..."

-"Around Here" by The Counting Crows

The Voice: I know I'm not a singer, but I would love to have the chance to be on a show like The Voice.  The Voice truly gives people who love to sing the chance to be heard by four amazing artists who have different tastes in music.  I have to admit that there are times when I disagree with them and think they either should turn around or not have turned around, but I do feel that I'm impacted by the very thing that they aren't, and that's the back story of the person and how they look.  I know I'd never be anyone's idea of a music superstar based on how I look, and no doubt I wouldn't really wow them with my voice, but to have a chance!  There are times when I sing when even I realize I sound really good...and then there are times when I sounds like something that is dying a slow painful death.  But to have a chance...

Day 167: 2/25/12 - "Furious Rose"

"Cause I'm barely balancing as it is

And I don't want to drown in my dreams..."

-"Furious Rose" by Lisa Loeb

Diploma Dash: Today was the Diploma Dash, my first race since the 2009 Race for the Cure in Raleigh.  I didn't do badly, I must say.  I finish in 35:30 and averaged a sub 12 minute mile.  I'm nowhere near my 31:00 time that I ran back in Knoxville in 2007, but now I at least have hope that I might be able to get back there.  I did much better running outside than I did on the treadmill.  For some reason when I try to do 5K on the treadmill (or any long distance) I just get tired easily and bored out of my mind!  Now I'll have to look out for other races that I can afford.  I definitely want to run them while the weather is good, because no way I'm running a race in Texas summer time weather.  Kudos to the rest of the JPL Joggers.  Our team of 4 all finished the race (and we all ran at our own pace).  I will say that I was both glad to see the number of women out running, but surprised at how many of the young women who looked fit, but could not run the whole race.  Most of them clearly started out running because they were far ahead of me, but I wound up passing them during the second mile.  It just goes to show that body type and size aren't always the best predictors of health or physical ability!

Working My Life Away: It felt that way today as I tried to tackle my e-mail and catch up on work (and get ready for Monday and the rest of the week).  I know I should take more time for myself but it is harder to do that when I worry that I won't be able to get everything done next week (and I know others are expecting me to produce things).  I hope that I'll have time to do everything that needs to be done and also the extra things that I think I need to be doing to continue to develop professionally.  I guess you can call it homework!

Day 166: 2/24/12 - "Run"

"Are these times contagious?

I've never been this bored before.

Is this the prize I've waited for...

Have I got a long way to run..."

-"Run" by Collective Soul

Big Race Tomorrow: Tomorrow is the Diploma Dash and I'm both excited and anxious about running in my first race in a long time (since 2009 Race for the Cure!).  I'm super psyched to see what my time will be but I'm worried about how my knee will hold up.  The good news is that the weather should be a little cool and I tend to run better in this type of weather.  The bad news is that it might rain and it will likely be very windy (which makes for tough running!).  I hope I can sustain my pace and not get run over by the other 2,000 people there...and not finish 2,000th!

Some People Are Just...Mean:  Okay, so I'm not a Taylor Swift fan, but I felt like channeling her today when I was dealing with the actions of grown ups acting like petty, small children.  Immaturity has no place in professional locations, nor does it have any place in deciding or impacting the future of someone else.  The fact that I was expected to accept that and just sign my name on the dotted line is comical to me.  No chance that would ever happen!  I can only hope that they will get what is truly coming to them based on their actions. 

Day 165: 2/23/12 - "Time After Time"

"Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you

Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new..."

-"Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper

It Ain't Good For You..I hit The Cheesecake Factory with some colleagues tonight and actually did pretty well in terms of the food.  I decided to treat myself to a piece of Oreo cheesecake...which is gone so don't ask for a bite!  I had something off of the skinnilicious menu so that I could balance better.  Now I just have to get out of bed in the morning and actually try to move around...I've been having trouble with that for the last few weeks.

Odd Dreams: Last night I dreamed I was in Hawaii (yay!) and learning how to surf (fun!) and then driving around with some of the locals and hitting a restaurant for dinner.  This wasn't an odd dream because it was bad...but rather, an odd dream because it was so benign.  I could also feel the water as I learned to surf, and feel the wind blowing over me as we rode in the car.  It was a very tactile dream that I wouldn't mind returning to!

Day 164: 2/22/12 - "I Can't Make You Love Me"

"Turn down the lights

Turn down the bed

Turn down these voices

Inside my Head

Lay down with me

Tell me no lies

Just hold me close

Don't patronize

Don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me,

If you don't...."

- "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt

Sinus Headache, Go Away...Really, I'm at my wit's end with these sinus issues!  The mold is still high, so I'm still sneezing, coughing, and having the worst headaches I have had in a while.  I'm trying to shake these without medicine, since the medicine seemed to interact badly with my thyroid medication.  But I know I need to get rid of the headache as soon as possible, so I may have to cave and try it again.

1940 Census: I was reminded tonight that the 1940 census will be available free online on April 2nd!  I'm very excited about this for many reason, but mostly because this will be the first year that I can see my father in the census!  He was born in 1939 so he should be the baby in the house.  I'm curious to see what the rest of the household looked like and maybe get a few more clues about his family.  I'm also curious to see if my mother's family will show up as I've had trouble tracing them.  It would be good to see if my grandparents were married yet and whether my grandmother's first born (Aunt Goddie) is there.

Day 163: 2/21/12 - "I Need to Wake Up"

"'Cause I need to move, I need to wake up
I need to change, I need to shake up
I need to speak out, something's got to break up
I've been asleep and I need to wake up now..."

-"I Need to Wake Up" by Melissa Etheridge

To Be a Better Person: I struggle every day to be a better person.  Better than the thoughts running through my head that aren't nice or polite.  Better than the person I dream about.  Better than the one who comes home from work and can't figure out what she should be doing so she doesn't do anything.  It's this desire to be better than I am that leads me to continue to do nice things for people that I should really tell to go f*** themselves.  I don't do these things for them, I do them for myself...so that I might like myself a little better tomorrow than I do today...

I'm Famous...Well, Maybe Notorious!  I met a librarian today during the FYE conference who said that he knew of me...how odd to hear that!  Apparently my name still comes up in some instruction circles, though I'm beginning to wonder why.  I will say that it was flattering to think that someone wanted to work with me on creating some "generic" instruction modules.  He's the tech person but was interested in having someone do the writing part (which is where I'm better).  The funny part is that I was just thinking about this!  I was thinking that I wanted to sit down and try to construct out some info lit modules just for the experience of it...just to keep my self sharp...and to try out some things that have been floating in my head for a while.  We'll have to see if I can get this one up off the ground!

Day 162: 2/20/12 - "Why Can't I"

"Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you"

-"Why Can't I?" by Liz Phair

Missed Moments: You know how you watch tv sometimes and you see a commercial or a movie or tv show where two people meet by accident and it just seems like the moment is right and they connect?  Well I feel as if I almost had that moment today and for some reason it just didn't happen.  I hate thinking back on things and trying to figure out what I did wrong.  Did I do something wrong?  Did I miss out on something really important?  A part of me knows that everything was all in my head - that there never was a "moment" and that my overactive imagination was being...overactive.  But another part of me can't help but wonder if I could have said something to cause a different outcome.  I'll never know and it's not important anyway...just another missed moment.

Early Morning Presentation: Tomorrow my co-presenter and I are holding our roundtable at the FYE conference.  On one level I'm a little nervous as I always am when I have to present in front of people, but on the other hand I'm just dreading having to get up so early to give a presentation.  I'm hoping it goes well since my plans to bake muffins have already gone awry.  I didn't exactly "burn" them but they came out a little more brown than I intended.  Now I have to take them to work and hope my colleagues there will eat them and enjoy them.

Day 161: 2/19/12 - "Keep Me In Mind"

"Keep me in mind
Somewhere down the road you might get lonely
Keep me in mind
And I pray someday that you will love me only"

-"Keep Me In Mind" by the Zac Brown Band

FYE Conference - Day 2: Today I ran into an issue I haven't experienced at a conference in a long time: full rooms!  There were only 3 sessions I was interested in during the 10:30 - 11:30 slot but all 3 were full to the brim.  There wasn't even standing room for any of them.  I wound up having to occupy my mind for the time and kept hoping the rooms would free up, but no such luck.  I'm heading in tomorrow for a 9am meeting and then some sessions.  Hopefully I'll learn something new - I picked up a couple of new things today (mostly during a vendor session).

Stress: My doctor told me that my heart palpitations were caused by stress.  Today they came back with a vengeance, so I had to stop what I was doing and try to figure out what was stressing me.  I won't put it all here - this is no the place, but I was able to narrow it down to three things, only two of which I have any control over.  I can only hope that I'll be able to find a solution to those two and the other one may work itself out.  Wishful thinking?  Probably, but I refuse to let the actions of others affect my health to this level.  The palpitations have stopped for now...but I have to be diligent about living a stress free life!

Day 160: 2/18/12 - "Drive in Drive Out"

"I hear more than I like to...
So I boil my head in a sense of humor...
I laugh at what I cannot change...
I throw it all on the pile again...go then and do this
I'd do it for you...
When all that I want is so badly to be...
By myself again...
It's going to drive me right out of my brain"

-"Drive in Drive Out" by The Dave Matthews Band

Like a Hamster on a Wheel:  I hate running on a treadmill and I now realize that I truly can't do long distances on them.  Today I tried to run 9 miles and the first problem I had was that I couldn't set the time for longer than 95 minutes (it takes me 120 to run 9 miles).  And then I had trouble with the heat of the room and wound up losing more sweat than I do when I run outside in nice weather.  I only made it to 6 miles before I had to stop.  The final straw was the sheer boredom!  I was so bored just running and looking at the same thing every minute.  I'll be glad if the rain clears up and I can run outside in the future...though when the heat starts, I'll be in trouble for another reason.


A Non-Library Conference: Today the FYE conference opened and I headed downtown for the Opening Keynote and the Opening Reception.  The Keynote speaker was Dewayne Matthews and I actually liked his speech and how he handled himself.  The reception showed me just why the darn conference costs so much...free drinks (though only 1 before the cash bar came in), real food and expensive side items is where a lot of that money must have gone.  Not sure how I feel about that - I know I wouldn't normally want to pay extra for the food at the conference, especially when it is in my home town and I can stay at home and eat my own food.  Oh well, we will see how I'm able to get up tomorrow to attend some sessions - off to bed now!

Day 159: 2/17/12 - "Everything You Want"

"I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why"

-"Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon

Conferences: I'm going to be attending the FYE conference over the weekend and luckily it is local (here in SA) but unluckily, it is over the weekend as well!  I'm listening to the rain now and we are under a flash flood warning right now.  I'm actually going to be heading out to pick up a friend at the airport and I hope her flight gets in okay.  But what I'm really trying to focus on is getting some energy up to actually want to attend this conference.  If it weren't for the fact that they made me register as a presenter, I wouldn't have bothered.  The registration fee for this conference is over $500, so I'm going to attend so that I get my money's worth.

What You Want and What I Need: Funny how these two things don't ever match up for me.  Why is it that what someone else wants is not what I need, nor is it anything I want to actually give them?  And why do they think they deserve my time, energy, or love to begin with?  What have they done to earn it in the first place?  And yes, you have to earn love these days.  You can't just expect to have it given to you (though it can be pretty easy to earn).

Day 158: 2/16/12 - "Ironic"

"It's like rain on your wedding day

It's a free ride, when you've already paid

It's the good advice that you just didn't take..."

-"Ironic" by Alanis Morissette

Mixed Signals: I'm all for people being straight forward but tonight I got some seriously mixed signals from someone.  Now I'm completely lost in terms of what they are thinking and how I should respond or act.  I've optioned to just keep being my usual self, but I just can't get a read on them!  Would you just come out and say it already?  What are you really trying to say when you don't say anything at all?

SUTF: Set up to fail...I feel that way sometimes, as if I'm part of a giant psychological experiment and that someone is just doing things to make sure that I eventually fail.  The only question is, how long will I last?  How much of a fight will I put up?  And what are the odds that I'll come out on top?  I'm not sure of the answer for any of this, but I do know what it is like when you realize that someone hasn't put you into a position or asked you to do something because of your talents or abilities, but rather because they think you won't be able to do it.

Day 157: 2/15/12 - "The Day I Tried to Live"

"I woke the same as any other day

Except a voice was in my head

It said seize the day, pull the trigger

Drop the blade, and watch the rolling heads...

Words you say never seem

To live up to the ones inside your head

The lives we make never seem 

To ever get us anywhere but dead...

I woke the same as any other day you know

I should have stayed in bed...

And I learned that I was a liar

Just like you..."

"The Day I Tried to Live" by Soundgarden

My New Addiction: My friends know that I really don't have any addictions in my life.  I can give up things easily as needed and don't get very attached to many things.  Of course, technology may be a possible new addiction for me.  And now I have a Kindle Fire, so I'm likely going to wind up carrying it with me everywhere and using it in ways that I never imagined.  I can already see the benefits as compared to trying to use my phone to search for things.  The larger screen is very handy.  Now I just need to get a case so that I can protect it - no way I want anything happening to this baby!

Rough Day: Some days are just tough.  I woke up this morning angry and I didn't know why.  I felt like throwing things and stomping (which I didn't) and slamming doors (which I did).  It was completely out of character and also very frustrating, because if I'm going to be angry, I want to know why!  Luckily I didn't take my mood into work with me (not really, though some frustrating things happened there as well, and I did get angry about one of them, but I was able to keep it even keeled).  I can only hope that tomorrow is better...and try my best to make it that way.

Mardi Gras: I realized that on the same day as when I plan to make muffins for an event, it will be Fat Tuesday and I want to also make a King cake.  I think that I might be baked out this weekend, and I'll need to make the King cake on Sunday and the muffins on Monday night.  That should work...I hope...

Day 156: 2/14/12 - "Love Don't Cost A Thing"

"All that matters is

That you treat me right

Give me all the thing I need

That money can't buy..."

"Love Don't Cost a Thing" by Jennifer Lopez

Bah, Humbug!  I sit here truly despising this holiday and wishing it were truly based on the idea of love and not on proving your love monetarily.  Why do people feel they need a holiday in order to tell the people they love, that they love them?  Why does someone buying you a dozen roses, chocolate, diamonds, etc., actually make some people feel more loved?  Now, I'll admit to being partially bitter...I've always been alone on this holiday and it is definitely a holiday marketed to couples.  But I also lump this holiday with the other holidays that have become so commercialized that no one even knows what the true meaning of the holiday is.  I took heart-shaped cookies into work today as my way of making sure that everyone go something for this holiday.  I don't try to tell others not to celebrate - I think it is great that some people find joy in this day.  But I do wish there were more people interested in sharing their love year round and without buying something, than those trying to, in essence, by love...

What Would You Do?  Having been at Harvard just about 8 months ago, and having met some of the librarians there, I'm finding the story of Harvard's reorganization to be fascinating.  The most recent story that has come out mentions that over 200 library staff members have been offered buyouts.  It left me wondering what I would do if I were in their situation?  I honestly don't know since I've never been at an institution where it was even a possibility.  But the people at Harvard will have to think about it seriously since they are also faced with what will happen to their jobs if they stay and wait for them to keep ironing things out.  It will be worth keeping an eye on the situation...

Day 155: 2/13/12 - "Hello"

"Hello, I am your mind giving you someone to talk to...
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken..."

"Hello" by Evanescence

Sucky Mondays: There are some days you just don't want to get out of bed, and today was one of those days.  I don't know if it was just me, but others were dragging too.  Of course, they were likely tired from having lots of fun on the weekend.  Me, I was just tired because I was awake.  I've also realized that Monday's are my "get nothing done" days.  I tend to be on the desk or IM for most of the day which just puts a kink in any plans I have for working on anything at my computer.  I even did 3 hours straight at the desk today (which was great for helping students, but terrible for getting anything done).  Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Vacation Planning: I've decided that I need to take a vacation, despite the fact that I have no extra money and that I'd have to go by myself.  I just have to decide where I want to go.  Right now my list looks like this:

• Vegas - never been there and I've always wanted to go.
• Miami - never been and it should be warm.
• Denver/Vale/Aspen - skiing!
• Arizona - Cactus League Baseball!

Not sure if I can afford any of them but I'm going to check into!

I Hate Valentine's Day!  Who says the Grinch only shows up during Christmas?  I truly despise Valentine's Day so I made cookies to take to work.  Now, I know what you are thinking - if I hate Valentine's Day, why would I make heart-shaped cookies for my co-workers?  So that I can make sure that everyone gets something for that holiday.  Me, I get a couple of cards each year which is enough.  But right now V-Day is definitely at the top of my list of most hated holidays.

Day 154: 2/12/12 - "Walk"

"I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough?
Where do I begin?"

-"Walk" by The Foo Fighters

Practice, Practice: I've been having so much trouble with the muffins I've made lately actually coming out of their paper wrappers, that I decided to bake some today to try them out.  I actually made 3 kinds and at first taste, they all seem pretty good, though I think I let the lemon poppy-seed ones bake a little too long.  I'll be able to fix that next time since I tried baking all 3 types at the same time to save time - bad idea when they need to bake at different degrees.  The chocolate with chocolate chip were pretty good and the banana nut were very tasty!  I hope they are liked when I make them for the presentation next week.

Chocolate, Chocolate-Chip Muffins

chocolate - chocolate chip

1 3/4 cups flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
2 tbsp cocoa
3/4 cup sugar
3/4 cup chocolate chips
1 cup skim milk
1/3 + 2tsp olive oil
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla

Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees and line muffin tin with paper (or spray).  Combine the dry ingredients and 1/2 of the chocolate chips in a large bowl and set aside.  In another bowl, combine the wet ingredients together.  Mix the wet and the dry, just until combined - the batter will be lumpy.  Spoon batter into prepared tin and spring remaining chocolate chips on top.  Bake for about 20 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean.

Lemon Poppyseed Muffins

lemon poppyseed

1 3/4 cups all purpose flour
3/4 cup sugar
2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1 egg, lightly beaten
3/4 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted
1 tbsp poppy seeds
1 tsp lemon zest

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and line muffin tin with paper (or spray).  Stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in a large bowl.  Whisk the egg, buttermilk, and lemon juice in another bowl.  Make a well in the flour mixture and pour the buttermilk mixture into the well.  Add the melted butter and with a spatula, blend with quick strokes, being careful not to over mix.  Gently stir in the poppy seeds and the lemon zest.  Spoon batter into prepared tins and bake for 20 to 22 minutes.

Banana Nut Muffins

banana nut

2 cups flour
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
4 overripe bananas
1 cup brown sugar
3/4 cup butter, melted and cooled
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup pecans, chopped

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees and line muffin tin with paper (or spray).  Combine the flour, baking soda and salt and set aside.  Mash 2 of the bananas with a fork in a small bowl.  With a mixer, whip the remaining bananas and sugar for 3 minutes.  Add the melted butter, eggs, and vanilla and beat well.  Mix in the dry ingredients.  Fold in the nuts and the mashed bananas with a rubber spatula.  Spoon into prepared tins and bake for 18 to 20 minutes.

Watching the Grammy's: The Grammy's have been a bit overshadowed tonight by the death of Whitney Houston, but I think they've done well to pay their respects.  Jennifer Hudson's tribute was beyond beautiful (and saddened me to the point of crying).  I also found there were some interesting performances and also some things I really didn't want to see.  I know I could do without Chris Brown being celebrated over and over again.  And who is this Dead Mouse person?  What's with the headgear?  Oh well, they are making bank and I'm still on the day to day.  Loved hearing Adele again and glad her voice is stronger than ever.  Hope she continues doing well.  But what the hell is this production thing that Nicki Minaj is doing?  I know what performance art is and I see it mixed more with music (Lady Gaga) but seriously, can we just get the music?  I really don't care if she can act or act crazy (same thing?).  I'm not a fan of Lady Gaga or Nicki Minaj...I think I see why now...

Crying: I cry more easily these days and I'm just now starting to understand why.  I hope I can keep it together in the future, but for some reason my emotions, both good and bad, now swing almost violently from one area to the next.  I anger more easily (usually at myself) and my level of frustration with myself is almost overbearing.  My sadness swamps me at the oddest moments, when I least expect to be feeling that way.  I'm having fewer moments of spontaneous happiness and what I sense as humorous tends to be more sarcastic than normal.  I'll keep an eye on this as best I can but I suspect this is just the way my life will be from now on.

Day 153: 2/11/12 - "The Greatest Love of All"

"The greatest love, of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all..."

-"The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston (RIP)

Exercise Overkill: As I sit hit typing and noticing the pain in my legs, I realize that I slightly overdid it with the exercise today.  After I finished my 9 miles (and it was a tough nine miles - I took a different route, found the biggest hill I've eve tried to run up - had to walk part of it - and found a really great view of Texas), I came home, had a quick meal and then headed out to play tennis for a couple of hours.  I didn't do too badly at tennis today (I lost 6-4, 6-1) but I definitely ran out of steam in the 2nd set!  Needless to say, if I were playing tennis professionally, I'd never be crazy enough to run 9 miles before trying to play.  I did treat myself to frozen yogurt though - which I think was well earned!

RIP Whitney Houston: People pass, young and old, rich and poor, famous and unknown, but even I was shocked to hear of the death of Whitney Houston today.  I think I always loved Whitney, especially as a little girl.  My cousin reminded me of this - she even remembered how much I loved singing Whitney Houston songs.  I think its not just her age, but her talent and the downward slide she has been on for the past few years.  What a great talent...what talent wasted.  I hope she rests in peace and that her family can survive this.

Toothache!  I have a serious toothache that I think is actually due to my sinuses!  How awful since it doesn't react to heat or cold or pressure or anything - it just hurts!  And don't let me sneeze - it goes completely nuts!  Now I have to try to find a way to treat a toothache that doesn't want to react to the normal treatment measures I would use!

Day 152: 2/10/12 - "Too Much"

"I eat too much
I drink too much
I want too much
Too much"

"Too Much" by Dave Matthews Band

One More Day to Dream: I have one more day to dream before reality will creep in.  It's actually difficult to hold on to the dream since I know that reality is waiting for me around the corner.  All the signs are there - all the indicators that the dream will die are crawling slowly towards my heart, though my mind has already acknowledged them.  Tonight I'll go to sleep and have one more night to dream about you and when I wake in the morning, I'll cry until I can't breathe...then I'll get up and go on.

What's My Motivation?  I'm trying to figure out what my motivation in life is now.  I'm looking at my life and trying to analyze things in a logical way.  But the questions seem to get tougher and the answers more elusive.  Why do I go to work every day?  Why do I try to work on those things that I know I'll never accomplish?  why do I bother believing in anything any more?  Why don't I give up?  What is my motivation?

Day 151: 2/9/12 - "3 Libras"

"Difficult not to feel a little bit

Disappointed and passed over

When I look right through,

See you naked but oblivious

And you don't see me..."

-"3 Libras" by A Perfect Circle

Lost Dreams: Some dreams die so silently that no one else ever notices their loss.  But I notice because they were my dreams.  And though they drifted away easily, I still feel the pain that comes with that loss.  Other dreams refuse to go quietly.  They linger and rear their heads, giving you a false sense of hope that one day you'll be able to achieve those dreams.  There is even more pain involved in their loss because you feel as if they have been ripped away from you, like a piece of your soul has been torn out - a gaping hole left behind.  How do you fix that hole?  How do you replace that piece of your soul, taken away so violently?  How do you risk dreaming again, knowing that with those dreams can come pain and loss?  I don't have an answer for any of those questions.  I'll still dream, as I always have, and I'll hope that one day one of those dreams will come true.  But I'll also bear the scars of the dreams I've lost, and I'll mourn their passing.  So if I am sad over the next few days, it is only natural and not long term. I'll go through the stages of grief until I finally come out on the other side.  Then I'll start the cycle all over again.

Battle of Wills: I think I'm stuck in a battle of wills with someone but they don't realize that I realize that we are in this battle.  I think they think that I'm too stupid to realize what they are trying to do.  I don't think they realize that I'm playing with them now...and enjoying watching them do all of the things that a childish person does when they don't know what to say or how to act.  I wish others could see this as well - I think they would find it highly amusing.  And I'm sorry to inform this person that I won't break first.  They'll have to be the ones to call this off - I won't give them the satisfaction of doing it for them!

Day 150: 2/8/12 - "Good Enough"

"What do I have to do

To try to make you see

That this is who I am

And it's all that I can be..."

-"Good Enough" by Lifehouse

My Major League Rejection: So I found out today that I didn't make the cut for the MLB fan cave.  Of course I'm pretty disappointed (and it's hard to shake yourself of that sense that you weren't good enough for someone).  But I'm also thinking about it logically - I wouldn't have really had the time to do it, even if I had been selected.  And what would I have done with celebrities all around me - I can barely talk to regular people without getting flustered!  I'll stick to what I know - research, baking, knitting, reading, and watching my favorite game.  I'll leave the rest up to the real experts.

Superbowl Commercial Review: I'm just now starting to really look at some of those Superbowl commercials and thinking about a few things.  Take the Post-Apocalyptic Chevrolet commercial...anyone else notice that no women survived?  Might have a tough time starting civilization over again with a dog, Twinkies, and your trusty Chevy truck!  Then there is the Budlight "Wego" commercial - gotta love a rescue dog that can fetch and chill too!

Sinus Issues...Please Go Away!  Okay, so after over a week of not being able to breathe properly, coughing, feeling headachy, etc., I'm so DONE with these sinus issues!  The weather needs to shift and change and my sinuses need to relax and let me breathe normally!  Maybe also sleep normally too!

Day 149: 2/7/12 - "Two Conversations"

"My brother gave you money

My sister gave a child

I gave you beautiful silence..."

-"Two Conversations" by Bill Reveles

Fitting Song Titles: There are days when the song title I hear early in the day truly speaks about the rest of the day.  This happened to me today in a way that was nearly impossible to comprehend.  But I think we left the meeting with some sense of understanding, even if I'm sure we were having two conversations.  Now it will be a watch and see situation - where we see if the final outcome of either conversation is what we hope for or expect.

Sinus Cycles: Just a couple of days ago I had a cough because my sinuses had drained into my throat and chest.  Now my head is stopped up again and I have a sinus headache.  Are you seriously telling me that I'm heading for another round of the stuffy head then sore throat then cough issue I just dealt with?  It sure seems that way!  I'm going to have to hope the weather changes soon and helps with whatever is making my sinuses hate my guts!

Survivor's Guilt: I'm having survivor's guilt...though I don't know what I survived!  I just have this nearly overwhelming sense that I should feel guilty.  I'm stuck trying to figure out what I did wrong and why I feel so guilty for my actions (or supposed actions).  I may never know - I may only be able to shake it off and move on.  Either way, it is uncomfortable!

Day 148: 2/6/12 - "Just Wait"

"If ever you are feeling like you're tired
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And your appetite for pain has drinken it's fill...

I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to you face
There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace"

-"Just Wait" by Blues Traveler

Dreams...Again: Last night I had one of those dreams that I found strange, not only because of the content of the dream, but also because for the first time that I can remember, I had a dream that I woke up from, and when I went back to sleep, the dream continued.  So for all of those dream fans, here is what I saw last night (and for those who are new to my posts, keep in mind that I'm playing with the idea that my dreams are really views of an alternate reality where my life is just very different from the one I live here in this reality):

In my dream I got married (for those who know me, that would have been strange enough but it got stranger).  I have no clue what my husband looked like, height, build, etc., but I do know his name was Damien (yep, he had a name).  I don't know his last name but I got a hint a little later in the dream.  After the wedding (it was not a big event), my next memory was of me hanging out with my new husband in his apartment which he shared with 3 others! (I'm thinking New Girl  had something to do with that part of the dream).  We were all talking and I quickly realized that I didn't actually know much about my husband.  I was trying to find out and boom, we were off to bed and then I was parking my car.  For some reason I had two lunches with me and one was for my mom.  I met my husband in between our cars and I apologized for not making his lunch (I said I didn't know what he liked to eat!).  Then the next thing we are sitting in a small group of girls and chatting.  They were asking me who I was and I said that if he had remembered my ring they would already know.  Then he surprised me by pulling out this old ring with Keltic symbols on it and he tells me it a family heirloom (there's your hint to his last name...I only got the Mc...part).  Then he asked me where the piece of paper that had been wrapped around my finger during our wedding ceremony was and I remembered it falling off, but I had to tell him that I lost it.  I woke up as he was fitting the ring on my finger.

Talk about weird!

Girl Scout Cookies: It's GSC time!  I just got mine today and I'm happy to say that I only had one serving of one type (so I'm moderating well).  Just hope that I can continue with that though...they are mighty tempting!  In case you are wondering, I got 3 types:  Trefoils (my favorite!), Savannah Smiles (the new one), and Thin Mints (I like to freeze them!).

Day 147: 2/5/12 - "Superman (It's Not Easy)"

"I can't stand to fly

I'm not that naive

I'm just out to find

The better part of me..."

-"Superman" by Five for Fighting

Super Sunday of Cooking: While most people were busy preparing dishes for Superbowl Sunday get togethers, I was busy just cooking for myself.  It's starting to get old and it makes me more cognizant of my loneliness.  But I will say that I did yeoman's work today and managed to cook/bake a huge amount in a very short amount of time.  Here is what I made today:

• roasted drumsticks
• barbecue drumsticks
• pinto beans
• Spanish rice
• blueberry muffins
• guacamole
• pasta and vegetables
• garlic roasted potatoes
• garlic mashed potatoes
• boiled shrimp 
• baked catfish

Overkill?  Probably, but I must say that I enjoyed myself and relieved some serious stress. Here is a picture of the blueberry muffins.  I didn't take pictures of the other stuff because I was packing it into the fridge as I went.  But trust me, everything looked delicious!

Tough Decisions: I'm back to the tough decisions conversation again.  Yes, this is the internal one I keep having with myself and now I'm starting to think I need to go in a different direction. Now I need to go check some deadlines and some online information before I make my next decision, but I'm starting to lean towards a more scholarly path than I had at first thought.

The Superbowl: I have to include an entry on the Superbowl and the ads that were played as well.  Talk about a great game!  And I was pulling for the Giants, though the pieces that they did on the Pats had me crying and almost cheering for them as well.  Neither is my favorite team but I'm just not a Pats fan.  I'm glad it was a great game that came down to the very end.  As for the ads, I thought there were some pretty good ones and some lame ones.  My favorite? the Doritos commercial with the missing cat and the family dog that bribes the man with his favorite Doritos.  I think that one will be a classic!

Day 146: 2/4/12 - "Are You Ready?"

"Hey Mr. Hero

Walking a thin fine line

Over the microscope of life

Remember your roots my friend

They're right down below

Cause heroes come and heroes go..."

-"Are You Ready?" - by Creed

Running: I was able to do 9 miles in 2 hours again today.  I actually would have cut nearly a minute off of my time but I hit the light next to my apartment complex and that slowed me down.  I'm finding the longer distances easier (though I still hurt after and start hurting more as they go on).  I definitely don't have trouble with 6 miles any more.  It's hard to believe that just a few weeks ago (and even when I first moved here) I could barely complete the 6 miles without passing out.  Today when I hit 6 miles I still felt really good!  It was right around mile 7.5 that I started to notice fatigue.  Add that to the fact that the path I chose to run today was full of hills!  It also looks like I can try running down 1604 as an option - it was a little dicey at the end of the first half of the run since I have to cross over to the other side, but today it worked out nicely.  I'm hoping to get to 10 miles as my next milestone.  And I have a 5K to do in a couple of weeks.  I should be well trained.

My Top 10 Reasons Why Running Outside Can be Dangerous:

•  Distracted Drivers - it's amazing how people can't stay inside their lanes!
• Finicky Weather - it may start out sunny and rain..or rainy and get hot and muggy...
• Distance from Home - if you get tired or injure yourself, you still have to turn around and go back home...which can be a pretty substantial distance depending on how far you've gone.
• Momentum Interruptions - having to cross streets and wait for lights to be safe can really slow you down.
• Broken Glass - you'd be appalled at the amount of broken glass that exists outside.  Having to dodge this can get really difficult.
• Disappearing Sidewalks - sometimes they just don't finish the sidewalks, which means you have to run on changing landscapes.
• Dogs - doesn't happen often here, but there is always the potential for dogs who are loose and want to chase you.
• Construction - it can really throw off traffic and your running routes.
• Potholes - they come out of nowhere and you have to avoid them or risk major injury.
• Standing Water - it harbors bugs and is messy if you have to run through one! 

Self-Doubts: Today was one of those days when self-doubts crept into my head and I was very unproductive.  I've found that I can't work when my mind is racing and full of questions that I don't have answers for.  I'm just now coming out of that feeling though it is not completely gone.  I think that these self-doubts are natural, but they are also poisonous in their ability to derail me as I attempt to get things done.  I'll have to hope that tomorrow is better since the time is and my tired body are pushing me towards an early night.

Day 145: 2/3/12 - "Sumthin' Wicked This Way Comes"

"Take a good look in the mirror

And tell me if you like what you see.

Masters of deception, corruption, and evil

But you're always quick to point the finger at me..."

-"Sumthin' Wicked This Way Comes" by TLC

Watch Your Back: Sometimes you never see something coming until it is too late.  Other times, you actually get warning signs that there is a runaway train coming down the tracks and you have time to get out of the way.  I think I'm in one of those times where there are warnings...now I just have to hope I'm fast enough and smart enough to get out of the way before I get run over.  But what about others who don't see the signs?  What can I do (or should I do) to help them protect themselves?  What is my responsibility to those people, especially if they've had the same opportunities that I have had to see the train?

Allergy Season: This has been the toughest allergy season for me so far.  It started back in November when I got hit the first time and now it is Jan-Feb and I've been hit again.  I'm hoping I can avoid the doctor for this one but if I can't drop the cough I'll wind up going in eventually.  My biggest issue right now isn't even the trouble I'm having breathing...it's the dry mouth that the OTC medicines are causing!  There is a big storm rolling through right now, so I hope that it will eventually clear up and wash away the mold (I'm pretty sure that is what I'm having the most trouble with).  I talked to my Mom and she is dealing with the same thing right now.  Like mother like daughter!

Day 144: 2/2/12 - "The Man Who Can't Be Moved"

"'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

So I'm not moving
I'm not moving"

-"The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script

Is Luck Real?  I ask myself this question all the time and many of my friends ask me the same thing.  Why am I asking this question today?  Because I won a Kindle Fire from a random drawing of webinar participants and all of my FB friends said "you always win."  I think they are right in some ways, but I think it has less to do with luck and more to do with making sure that I always enter things.  They say you can't win if you don't play, so I extend this to you can't win if you don't enter!  I'll tell you what I think of the Kindle Fire when I get it.  I'm still waiting on the company to contact me to arrange to have it shipped here. I must say that I've been wanting an e-reader, but I've been refusing to buy one, so again something works out in my favor to manage to get one into my possession.  Of course, now I have to buy books for it...but I can live with that!

Benadryl Makes Me Have Bad Dreams: I've decided this is the case since I followed my first night of nightmares with another nightmare.  I didn't post it the next day as I normally would have - likely because I was trying to decide if it was maybe worthy of a sci-fi story.  Here goes my strange dream from the 2nd night I took Benadryl.  I was part of an elite military team that ran across something buried in the middle of a desert.  The problem was that we didn't know what the thing was that we had found and we also didn't know where the desert had come from since it didn't appear on any map.  We decided to move the item out of the desert and as we got closer to what appeared to be a forest we notice that there are clouds rolling in.  Suspect a major storm, we look up and as lightening flashes we realize that what we thought was a cloud is really an alien vessel!  It had an odd shape, sort of like a misshapen head and it had long tentacles hanging from it.  It was a dark greyish black color (which allowed it to blend in with the clouds).  We started racing for the trees since we figured it was after whatever we found and all of a sudden the giant black, spider-like things start coming down from the trees to attack us.  We scramble away from them, up a hill into another sandy area (not desert, just sandy) and as one of the black "spiders" lands on the sand, a worm-like creature comes out of the ground and eats it!  We weren't afraid of the worms, though we were very afraid of the aliens and the spiders.  I woke up at this point thinking that I really should never take Benadryl ever again!

Miss Celie, I Feels Like Singing!  I always laughed  little at that scene in The Color Purple as Shug Avery runs to the juke joint to sing.  Today I finally realized that my laughter wasn't at Shug, but with her as I always feel like singing.  Even as I sit here and type I have Pandora running and I'm singing as I type.  Even though I'm fighting coughing fits and laryngitis, I feel like singing.  Even when I'm sad and ready to cry, I feel like singing a sad song.  Even when I'm angry and ready to scream, I feel like singing.  I may not be good and I may never be a professional, but like Shug, I Feels Like Singing!

Day 143: 2/1/12 - "No More Rain in This Cloud"

"There's no hiding place,

When someone has hurt you

It's written on your face.

And it reads....

Broken spirit, lost and confused,

Empty, scared, used, and abused.

A fool...."

-"No More Rain in This Cloud" by Angie Stone

The Unmitigated Gaul!  The audacity of some people, to shirk their responsibilities on to someone else, and then when it doesn't work out, try to change it to make it fit...and when that doesn't work, giving it back to the person who worked on it originally!  Also, seriously, your writing skills are atrocious - please don't mix your writing with mine and contaminate something that flows nicely, with something that is too blunt, makes no connections, and sounds as if it were written by a teenager.  Okay, off of my soapbox...

Baking!  Yesterday I made chocolate cupcakes with chocolate buttercream icing for one of my students (here birthday is tomorrow).  They turned out great, except the icing had an odd look to it.  For some reason it began to break down when I added the dark chocolate.  The only good thing about it was that the icing turned out to almost shimmer like silver.  Whatever I did , I doubt I could manage it again! The cupcakes were well-received though, so I'm looking forward to making other things next.