The Reality (or Hope) in the Dream

I've had vivid dreams before, some scary, some funny, some sad.  I've had a few that were so realistic that I work up crying or in pain from a dream fall. But usually my dreams are a mixed up jumble of people I know, places I've been, and things I wish would happen or things that have happened.  Also, I am rarely truly myself in my dreams.  I'm either seeing through someone else's eyes or I'm an inaccurate version (age, weight, physical abilities, etc). of my self.  Last night I had a dream that was vivid, visceral, and accurate in location and characters, including myself - I was who I am and how I am now.

Before I tell you about the dream, I have to provide a little background.  So, there is this guy (I know, isn't there always?) that I'm very much interested in.  Though he's sort of indicated that he might be interested in, he hasn't actually taken that final step to ask me out, etc.  So I've been wondering (of course) what might be holding him back.  The usual thoughts (he's married, or dating someone; he doesn't want to date a black woman; I'm too tall; he doesn't really like me) have all gone through my head.  But apparently my dream world decided to make up a whole other story...one that was convoluted and detailed and makes sense (in my dream world).  But it wasn't the story that stuck with me from this dream, but just how real it actually was.

The Dream: I'm at work (where I work now, including the set up of book overflow that are in my office) and I'm going out into the hallway to leave the suite, but he walks in...carrying two young boys (3 year old twins...not sure how I know this, I just do).  He sets them down and tells me that the reason he hadn't asked me out was because he wasn't sure how I would feel about his having two children from a previous relationship.  He also explained that he was wary about bringing new people into their lives, especially women.  I, of course, immediately go to the kids and start talking to them.  They are adorable, though not identical (again, the detail is astounding).  Their names were Kyle and Avery (yep, they had names).  I spend time bonding with the boys (they take to me quickly!).  And the next thing I know, the guy and I are a couple! (I know, talk about dream world).  He grabs me in a huge hug and swings me around my office (knocking books off - I even see the dust fly into the air).  Then the boys start talking about their playroom and how much they want me to see it.  The guy nods and says that of course I can come over to his beautiful house and see the kids' playroom (I have been deemed safe to see where he lives).  He then hands me his phone and says, "I need your phone number."  I actually feel the phone and see myself entering my number.  Then the boys want me to take a picture with them so that it will be on their dad's phone.  The dream ends with him telling the boys that its time to go and that he'll call me later.  I'm sitting in my desk chair and he comes over to say goodbye, kissing me right on the lips and then they are gone.  I then turn to find my colleagues all standing around and smiling and laughing at me (as they would in real life).  And then another person who sort of knows what is going on is there and I'm thinking him for his help in getting the guy to come there and actually move forward.

So, the remaining odd things:

1. Normally when I dream of people, even people I know, something about them is distorted. Their voices aren't right, or I can't see their faces (I usually can't see their faces, which can be scary).  But my mystery guy was as clear as day to me.  I could see his smile and his eyes, his face was as clear as it woudl be if he had been standing next to me right now.  When he hugged me I felt his strength and his arms.  When the kids were sitting on my lap I felt their weight.  I could even feel the softness of their hair.  I mentioned that I could feel the cell phone in my hands, the weight and the buttons.  The glow of the numbers as I typed in my phone number.
   
2.  The fact that my office was as it is now.  The fact that I was actually in Miami, in my office, and I looked like it does now.  The fact that the hallway out of the reference suite was exactly as it should be.  The fact that I could see my colleagues faces and for once the only colleagues there were the ones who were supposed to be there.  Usually I have people from my past (friends and foe) showing up in my dreams and I realize right away that I am in a dream and that its not real.

I think it's the fact that everything was so accurate that struck me as odd, because I usually realize I'm in a dream and get very disappointment.  But this time, the dream felt so real, that I didn't get that feeling of disappointment.  Of course, it did come later, when I woke up and realized I was dreaming. But at least the dream was allowed to continue on without me trying to wake up because I know that its just a dream.

Here's to hoping that some of it will come true (I won't tell you which parts I want to be true).  And here's to hoping I have more pleasant dreams (instead of my usual nightmares) tonight.=

What Now?

I have test anxiety.  I had forgotten this fact, probably because its been ten years since I last took a test of any consequence, and longer than that since I took a really difficult test.  Today I took the GRE for the 2nd time and my issues started before I even left the house as the symptoms of test anxiety kicked in the night before: sleeplessness, headache, racing heart, nausea, upset stomach, and shakiness.  I only got worse upon waking and realizing that I had no time to do any final review.  I managed to leave the house 20 minutes later than planned, but that was better than not leaving at all.  I even found the location on the first try (which is a miracle for Miami).  By the time I got into the office I was actually feeling confident.  I had memorized all of my formulas and I knew how to use them.  I was actually feeling a little more relaxed by the time I checked in and was taken to my seat.

The first part of the test (the essays) weren't great, but I didn't feel too bad about them.  Of course since that grade won't show up til later, I could be suffering from false confidence in terms of my writing skills.  By the time the first hour was up I was ready to go right into the quantitative section.  Then my bubble was burst.  I found myself skipping questions (with the idea of coming back to the "hard" ones later).  To my mind, they were all hard and I didn't know how to solve any of them.  None of my formulas applied and I felt that I was being asked questions that I had not studied how to answer.  I was nearly in tears by the time the section was over, which did not bode well for my ability to actually figure out the next section, which was verbal.

At this point I had an option to take a break, but by then I just wanted out of that room, so I skipped the break and went right into the next quantitative section, which was just as bad as the first one and only added to my deflated feeling.  I slid right into the 2nd verbal and then realized that I had to finish with one more quantitative.  I can't tell you how hard it was for me not to hit "cancel" my scores and not send them out to anyone.  I really didn't want to even see what I had scored on either section because I knew it would be bad.  Thankfully I couldn't even write it down since you can't take paper out of the testing center.  I managed to check out without bursting into tears, but it was a near thing.  I made it to my car and looked at the time and saw that I had just spent 4 hours in what I would define as a personal hell.

I don't know what my test scores will do to my quest to get into a Ph.D. program.  Most people would tell me that the scores aren't the only thing and I know this.  But I'm looking at 3 high level programs that have very high standards.  Mediocre isn't good enough.  I'm not good enough.  I'll have to write the best admissions statement for each of them that I can, and I'll have to hope that my 3 references write beautiful letters for me.  Then I'll have to hope that my ten years of career experience and my transcripts at least keep me in the running.

I was one mouse click away from just giving up today.  I'm not sure how I managed to not click the cancel button when my head kept saying "cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel" over and over. My heart must have told me something else.  I'm not sure I can trust my heart though - I'm reminded of a favorite song:

"Foolish heart hear me calling
Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart heed my warning
You've been wrong before,
Don't be wrong anymore."

I'll thank my Sirius satellite for playing songs that spoke for me as I drove home, fighting tears the entire way.  The first song that came on?  "If you're going through hell, keep on going" by Rodney Atkins.  Apropos?  I thought so.  That song was followed by "I Hold On" by Dierks Bentley.  I'd never heard the song before and it wasn't the lyrics so much as the title that caught my attention, but I found it fitting as well.  I could go on - there were other songs that the radio blessed me with on the way home that really hit me hard.

As I sit here now trying to make sense out of today, the test, my life, my future, my failures, my hopes, my dreams...I find that I'm back to feeling lost again.  I've felt lost before - it's not a good feeling to have.  People keep throwing out lifesavers for me but I don't actually want them - I don't want to be pulled back into the things that are only hurting me more.  I don't want to be held close to the things that eat me up inside.  I want to let it all go - need to let it all go, but I don't have that option.  So I'm in limbo, lost, floating in nothingness as I try to figure out which direction to go. 

So, what now?