Day 19: 9/30/11 - "Let Her Cry"

"Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be..."

-"Let Her Cry" by Hootie & the Blowflish

Tennis: I'll start here tonight since I was so happy to finally get a chance to get back out there and play again. I struggled with my shots as usual, but for some reason it was my forehand that gave me more trouble than anything else. My backhand wasn't terrible and my serve was okay (only 1 double fault). I lost 6-0, 6-2 but I played the entire match and I competed this time. I had my friend Del take a picture of me "in action" so that I could post it. It was nice to get out there and do something fun and healthy (though I'm sure my aching bones might disagree with the "healthy" claim). Note the terrible footwork I'm displaying in this picture...but check out the cool headband!

Bundled Registration: So just when I'm thinking I won't be shelling out any more money in big chunks for a while, I remember that I have to register for ALA today or I'll lose the bundled savings. So out comes the credit card again to pay for something I won't even be "using" until June 2012! How annoying is that? And then I notice that not only has the bundled priced gone up, but ALA won't be printing and sending out badges this year. We'll have to print them when we get to the conference. So if we're saving by not printing and mailing badges, what's up with the increased rates?

The Sing Off: I really love this show and hate that some groups aren't going to make it (but that's the nature of competition). I'll keep watching unlike other reality shows that I can't stand, but I'll be sad to see some of these people go. I also had this great idea that my brother should get a group together to do something like this. Now, acappella isn't his thing, but he can arrange and mix music like no one else. If he could find the right mixture of people I know he could put out a great product. I'll have to mention it to him when I go home for the holidays.

Day 18: 9/29/11 - "The Crow and the Butterfly"

"Man, I'm getting older
I took all your pictures off the wall
and wrapped them in a news paper blanket
I haven't slept in what seems like a century,
and now I can barely breathe"

- "The Crow and the Butterfly" by Shinedown

Vegan Vs. Vegetarian: Yes, I know what the difference is but sometimes things slip through the cracks, like when a student is too embarrassed to say anything in front of her class because everyone else is excited about the free pizza they are getting for lunch. So, what does her instructor do? I take her down to the Subway which is downstairs and buy her vegan sandwich. Thank goodness for Subway! I wanted to post a picture of my class but didn't want to do anything that might embarrass them without their permission. They looked so cute posing for their picture...and so young. Check out the pic to see all that was left of the pizza (all that I could wrest from their greedy, grubby little hands).

From the Hip: I'm seriously not liking this pain I'm starting to feel in my left hip. The pain seems to get worse after I sit down for a long time and is sharpest when I try to get up. It takes a while for me to work the "kinks" out and even after moving around for a while, I still feel a dull ache. Starting to think this is something that is going to need to be checked out soon!

Biological Clocks: Yep, mine is ticking...but it has been for quite some time now. What I'm thinking about now is whether or not it ticks slower as you get older (as if it will stop soon), or if it ticks faster (as if it is racing until it stops). Either one is a daunting thought (and depressing as well). All I can really do is wait and see what life has in store for me. A biological clock that will just one day stop ticking or one that will always tick on, even in my memories, as a way of haunting me (think Captain Hook from Peter Pan).

Day 17: 9/28/11 - "Who Knew"

"When someone said count your blessings now,
'Fore there long gone.
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong..."

- "Who Knew" by Pink

Unhappy Camper: That was me today - nothing made me happy and everything bothered me for one reason or another. Some things I think I was right to be bothered by. Other things I think I just let get to me (or maybe they just felt bigger than they were because of all of the other things). My list:

• Woke up with a headache and still shaky (like most mornings).
• Watch battery stopped working so I wound up being late for two appointments.
• Complaints from students related to other students eating/drinking in the library (and subsequently a near argument with someone else about it as I tried to explain what the problem was).
• Left ankle swollen after only half the day (Really? I didn't even do anything to it today!)
• Forget to plug in my phone and it dies and then it won't charge properly.
• Ran out of baking cups and butter so had to hit the store on the way home during the height of traffic and heat.
• Father called to let me know that the car dealership where I got his car again reneged on their deal of free oil changes. Now I'll have to call them tomorrow to complain and let them know that they've lost our business (like they'll care!).
• 2 new major things added to my "to do" list for work, when I'm already seriously behind.
  

I think that's enough. If I add all of the recurring things, I might as well call it the "Bitching Blog."

My Failure as a Teacher: I'm starting to feel like I'm not being a very good (effective) teacher for my students this year. My group is so homogenous and I'm used to having some more distinctive personalities. I can't decide if I'm being handcuffed by the syllabus and topics that I did not choose (I just teach them), or if I'm just not a very good teacher for this particular group of students. How do I keep them from failing and also not fail them at the same time? Conundrum.

Money Flies: I know they say that time flies, but lately I would say that money flies...as in out of my wallet and away from me. It's funny how these things all seem to happen at the same time. Large medical bills come in at the same times as my professional organization membership renewal, and my need to make my travel arrangements for conferences. have over $2,000 go out of your pocket at one time really hurts, even when some of it will come back eventually. I wonder what it's like for those who don't have money worries. Reminds me of a line from one of my favorite songs, "I Am" by Train:

"I never had a day when money didn't get in my way."

Apropos I think.

Book Ideas: I know, if I can't finish the books I'm working on already, why in the world would I want to start thinking about another book idea? But this one is different - it's not fiction, it's real life. And it's a perspective I don't think others would think of. I won't pitch it fully here (don't want someone else to try to take it away from me), but I will say that it could be a great documentary as well!

Home made Buttercream: I know I've said this before, but I need to say it again...I will never buy canned frosting again! I've made buttercream so many times now that it seems like second nature. And the quantity you get and the quality as well are so much better than the pre-made stuff. I don't know if others agree, but I know I'll always splurge on the butter and powdered sugar and make my own! Check out my Day 2 for the actual recipe.

Day 16: 9/27/11 - "Another Horse Dreamer's Blues"

"She's tired and lonely
Scared and depressed
Her visions of one day go racing the next
She's trying to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want..."

- "Another Horse Dreamer's Blues"

Things That Really Bother Me: I'm bothered by a lot of things. Worldwide hunger issues, war, abuse, etc. Mostly large things that impact a lot of people. But I also realized I'm bothered by smaller things too - things that likely don't impact others the way they do me. This morning I experienced two of those things as soon as I left my apartment.

1. Throwing something that is recyclable into the trash because the recycling bin is full. Why can't they just wait until the recycling bin is empty again and then take the item out?
2. Mulch. I know this stuff is good for keeping things alive, etc., but the smell offends me almost like no other. All it takes is a good breeze and I'm surrounded by it.

Yep, petty, I know, but its what I've got today.

Tennis...Almost: So I was all set to try some tennis today and first we get to the courts and they say that from 6-8 is only for club tennis (even though there are 4 courts wide open). I persist and they say that "if the back courts are open, then we can use them." How gracious of them to share (read sarcasm here). The warm up goes well but my friend and I notice the storm clouds rolling in. It's been sunny all day but at 6:30 pm, we get dark clouds. We try to keep playing but about 15 minutes into our warm up the wind goes from subtle to gale force and the ball is bouncing about 3 feet to the south....which is usually away from me and my racquet. We make it through 3 games but the wind is just too much. As we head out we start to see the lightening, and I drive almost directly into the storm on the way home...and have to stop at the store to get my prescription...right next to the fresh mulch. Nice full-circle.

Men of the Stacks: So a friend of mine put together a calendar of male librarians called Men of the Stacks: http://menofthestacks.com/. Not sure if I'll be able to buy one on my current non-existent budget but all of the money goes to a very worthy cause (The It Gets Better Project). When I first heard about the calendar I thought they were nuts, but after seeing only a teaser I can say that it looks like it was well put together. And as for the It Gets Better Project, I can only continue to show my support and hope that I can help out some day. Straight or gay, it doesn't matter - no one deserves to be bullied and everyone deserves a chance at happiness. Keep you head up!

Day 15: 9/26/11 - "Breakaway"

"Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And If I'd end up happy,
I would pray.."

- "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson

Happy Birthday Daddy! Despite my own sadness, I could at least smile today as I called my father to wish him a happy birthday. I miss him and my family so much, so any time I talk to them I feel even more isolated. But I know I'll be home soon for Thanksgiving. It's always fun to talk to my Dad, though he rambles on sometimes. His youngest brother (and only remaining sibling) is living with him now, so I worry about him less, but Dad tells me that my uncle is pretty much deaf now...and won't go to the doctor to have his hearing checked out. Sounds like I'm going to have to try to talk to him when I go home. And a fun surprise - My Auntie called this morning to get Dad's phone number so she could call and wish him a happy birthday. She also wished me a belated happy birthday. It's one of the strange things about my Mom's side of the family that I love dearly: My Auntie is my mom's oldest sister but she still calls my Dad on his birthday (and still remembers his birthday) though my parents are no longer married. She also threatens my dad if he doesn't come to Thanksgiving dinner (we always have it at her house) and she gets mad at him when he doesn't come visit. Love you Daddy and Auntie (and all of my family) and miss you all very much.

Tony Romo: Are you kidding me? You played last week with a broken rib and a punctured lung and some idiot decided that a pain shot and a protective vest would be enough to let you actually play tonight? Am I missing something? Like normal logic and intelligent thinking? Who in their right mind thinks that its a good idea to play football only a week and a day after suffering the injury that Tony Romo suffered (and no, I don't think it matters that he wanted to play - someone still needed to step up and sit his butt down!

Crying: Yep, started tearing up again today...really got to shake this because I'm annoying myself. I can say that I didn't cry in my dreams last night and the one I really remember was just strange. Let's just say that I was being chased by someone and I couldn't see where I was going but I knew by feel how to find my way down the stairs, out the front door and down the street...bare foot. I ended up hiding out in someone's car and then in someone's house. Then, poof, mom and dad are there to get me and take me home. And we are fussing at mom about all of the extra bags she has. Nothing in this dream made sense but it was a mixture of crazy things I had read (Zoo City), seen (Hawaii 5-0), and experiences (traveling with my parents). But the real question is why? And what does it mean when I dream about my parents coming to my rescue?

New Aches and Pains: Today I have discovered two new aches and pains. My left hip now hurts after I sit down for extended periods of time. And I now have a recurring pain in my right side. Now trying to catalog these things and see if I can figure out what is causing them.

Tennis tomorrow? I hope so! It's been a while but I think I can get out there and give it a go. Despite how tired I am, I truly believe that I need as much exercise as I can get. Better pack my stuff tonight so that I'll be ready to go in the morning. Let's hope my new aches and pains don't prove to be too difficult for me to overcome....or that it rains.

Congrats! Last but not least, a hearty congratulations to my friend HDC who apparently is married now. I wish her and her husband much happiness and hope I get to see both of them again soon.

Day 14: 9/25/11 - "Untitled"

"I close my eyes and dream that love will find me.
And I say a prayer, whisper my hope, for understanding.
But no one is there, to hold my hand, to love me
And no, I don't see, I don't hear, no one calls to me."

- "Untitled" by Kawanna Bright

Peanut Butter Carob Cranberry Mega Muffins: Yep, I've been baking again, but what's new? I tend to do that when I'm at my lowest. I had some carob powder in the house so I decided to turn it into something edible and I came up with the following recipe.

Ingredients

1/2 cup peanut butter
1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce
3/4 cup light brown sugar
1/4 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
1 cup flour
1/2 cup oat bran
1/4 cup wheat germ
1/4 cup carob powder
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
2/3 cup milk
1/4 - 1/2 cup dried cranberries (optional)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line the cups of an over-sized muffin pan (or a regular cup-cake pan) with paper liners and set aside.

In a small bowl, combine the dry ingredients and set aside. In the mixing bowl combine the peanut butter and applesauce until well blended. Add in the sugars, eggs, and vanilla and beat until well blended. Slowly add the dry ingredients and the milk alternately and mix until you have a smooth batter. Stir in the dried cranberries.

Using a large spoon, fill the pre-lined muffin cups nearly to the top if making the over-sized muffing (1/2 to 2/3 if using a regular muffin pan). Place pan in the oven and bake for 18 to 20 minutes. Check with a toothpick to make sure the muffins are done. Remove from oven and allow to cool on a wire rack.

This may be the only thing I accomplish this entire weekend, which is sad (though I will say that I ate one of the muffins and it was pretty good!). They are about 400 calories each, but have some decent protein and fiber in them, so not all bad.

All Choked Up: I'm turning into one of those people who cries about everything. Used to be just certain movies or news stories would get me started. But now, I can look at an image, hear a sound, have a random thought, and my eyes start to well and I usually end up wiping away a tear. It's a tough way to exist because it feels so out of control and out of character. I'm supposed to be the strong one!

Zoo City: I'm reading a book called Zoo City by Lauren Beukes and though its been a slow read (not because of the story, because of me) I find that I'm enjoying the story. There is something about reading about possible future worlds and seeing so much possible truth there that I really enjoy. Too bad I can't get myself to finish my own stories - not that I'm anything like Lauren Beukes or any other real author. No chance I'll ever be published.

Why I Admire Michelle Obama: I've seen her just about everywhere lately. On the cover of my Essence magazine that came in the mail. On Extreme Home Makeover lending a hand, and of course in the news. But no matter where I see here, I see someone with a lot of poise and love of her family. I can't really even put into words what it is about her that I find so admirable, and maybe that's just it. She seems like a normal person (wife, mother) no matter what she is doing. And I have to admit that I love the fact that she is a hugger - no matter the station of the person she is meeting. Others are put off by this, but I think it makes her more genuine. And I can't deny that I appreciate how statuesque she is!

Day 13: 9/24/11 - "Breakeven"

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in..."

- "Breakeven" by The Script

Failure: It's funny how some days I feel like an absolute failure no matter what I do. After working a 12 hour day yesterday, you'd think I would sleep well and wake up refreshed today. Instead, I slept for an hour, woke up startled, struggled to go back to sleep, woke up again coughing and feeling stuffed up, and finally rolled over at 9:30 - an hour later than I normally get up on Saturday. Then I hit the gym and couldn't even run my 5k like I planned to. I'm starting to feel that I'll never be able to run a 5k normally again - and this saddens me. I finished my work out and got back home but when I made my pancakes I didn't bother to smell the milk and poured it right into the mixture. Then noticed the rank smell that was now coming out of my food. I had to dump all of the milk down the drain, but luckily the sour milk smell baked out of the pancakes. The day only went downhill mood-wise from there when I realized that my Dad's birthday is on Monday and I forgot to buy and mail his card so that it would arrive on his birthday. Some daughter I am. The one thing I did accomplish today? I cleaned up the files on my laptop, because fro some dumb ass reason that was the only thing I wanted to do.

Panic - Anxiety - Same Difference? Are panic attacks and anxiety attacks the same thing? I'm trying to figure this out because I nearly had one today and I'm sure it would have been a full-blown anxiety attack. I've had similar things happen to me in the past and I usually struggle to get my heart rate and breathing back to normal. I wonder if one day I'll have to go to a doctor for these because I suspect they could become incapacitating if not controlled.

Oklahoma Wins Again: I didn't get any real joy out of the win as I usually do. I'm starting to lose my zealousness when it comes to my Sooners, which is sad. I liked being one of those nutty fans who lived and died with her team. Now I just shrug when they do something wrong and think, "oh well." What happened to that girl would you curse and cry and yell at the TV? I'm starting to miss her and wonder if I'm losing even more of myself than I first thought.

Day 12: 9/23/11 - "Shiver"

"Immobilized by the thought of you
Paralyzed by the sight of you
Hypnotized by the words you say
Not true but I believe 'em anyway"

- "Shiver" by Maroon 5

12 Hour Shifts Are For the Young: I haven't had to work a 12 hour shift in well over a year. Last night as I got ready for bed I had this thought that I was going to have to work 12 hours tomorrow. I just knew it. Sure enough, when I got in to work today my staff member who closes had called in sick. So I got to stay and despite my best efforts to be coherent and logical, by the time 8 pm rolled around I was pretty much punch drunk. I'm just hoping I actually locked up everything like I was supposed to and put the keys back up - that would suck if I forgot.

Staffing is Important: People keep telling me that I need to consider whether the staffing I have is what I need or if we could consider hiring students, and I keep telling them "no, students aren't the answer for us here - not the way we have things set up." Then I checked my e-mail, found out that I have a "secret" folder and found a message from a librarian who wanted to tell me that we needed to change our information on our chat entry page because we weren't being accurate about who was staffing the chat service vs. who was staffing the desk, etc. I wanted to laugh at the audacity of this person. Apparently they are on a mission to make us all put that information on our websites so that we aren't confusing the patrons. I mean, we wouldn't want our students being confused about who working in a library is actually a librarian, now would we? And lets insult the people who've been providing reference services for 10 years by telling them that they aren't good enough or smart enough, just because they don't have their MLS. Get over yourself and pay attention to your own library!

Back to the actual rant at hand - the students we currently have now (not in my department) aren't capable of handling any situation on their own, let alone staff an information desk. And what are the odds that I'll be able to find those "great" students who could actually be trained and trusted to provide high quality service? I'm not ready to deal with this and really don't think this is the time for us. I've got enough staffing issues on my plate not to add this to the discussion.

Motivation: Maybe this should be Lack of Motivation instead. I'm seriously struggling to find any passion for what I do right now. I look at my list of things to cover and I simply frown. Not because I'm worried about whether I can or cannot do them, but because I honestly don't care whether they get done or not. I need to refocus and hopefully I will find something I care about soon. I need a boost to my morale and also a kick in my butt from someone or something to make me actually want to do something...anything.

Day 11: 9/22/11 - "A Murder of One"

"All your life is such a shame, shame, shame.

All your love is just a dream, dream dream.
Open up your eyes, you can see the flames, flames, flames.
Of a wasted life, you should be ashamed..."

- "A Murder of One" by Counting Crows

Is Trail Mix Comfort Food? I've been doing my usual refusal to make anything for dinner this week (too tired!). Yesterday I had a peanut butter, banana and chocolate chip sandwich for dinner and a bowl of cereal. Today, I had a chicken and cheese wrap and some tortilla chips. But of course I was still hungry later and I wanted comfort food...which was nowhere to be found in my house. But I did have some sweet and some tangy things in the house, so I was able to throw together a quick bowl of trail mix. I basically combined some Special K low fat granola, some cherried cranberries, some roasted sunflower seeds, and some chocolate chips in a bowl and ate it. Nothing drastic but it was pretty good and filled me up the way trail mix usually does. Doubt it was the healthiest thing I've ever put together but I know its not the most unhealthiest.

College Athletic Conference - Big Business: I've been listening to the ESPN commentators talk about the realignments in college football (for someone who grew up in the SEC and went to school in the Big XII and the Pac-10, it's been downright crazy), and I've been really surprised at the lack of foresight by many in these conferences. Talk of jealousy and in-fighting is being thrown out there as the reason for the craziness but I think its more than even that. I truly do think its about money and we all know what money can do to any discussion. At least these conversations help us ignore the real issues that are going on with college athletics...at least for now.

Insincerity: I don't know what to say to people when they apologize to me for something and I know they truly don't mean it. If you knew it was going to upset me or hurt me, then why did you do it in the first place? This is not something new that has occurred in my life - seems to be an old refrain. I'll hopefully never learn to be this way with others - I find I don't like the people who act this way and I already don't like myself, so why make it worse? I'll recover though hell is ahead...

Oh Well: This has become my response to everything, whether it is good or bad. Makes me wonder if I'm losing my kind heart. I used to consider myself to be a genuinely kind person (with a bit of a selfish streak as well). Now I think I'm just going through the motions. I hope I don't turn into one of those people who ignores the suffering of others when I could help...I really hope that doesn't happen.

Day 10: 9/21/11 - "Long Way Down"

"Long way down, I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down, I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down, I don't think I'll make it on my own"

- "Long Way Down" by the Goo Goo Dolls

Crying in Your Dreams: Yesterday I noted that I woke up angry and I didn't know why. Today I woke up sad and crying...and I don't know why. It makes me feel like I'm leading some other life while I sleep. I know I'm waking up sore and tired most mornings as well - and though I know this is likely due to my increased exercising, it makes me wonder what I'm doing in my dreams? I know I only remember parts of my dreams and that hopefully I'm actually dreaming more than I'm remembering (because then I'd be truly "asleep"). Last night, the only dream I remember was hanging out with the Bryan brothers. For those who don't know them, these are the twins who play professional tennis - usually very well. For some reason I was handing one of them, Bob I think it was, his racquet and encouraging him on the court. What is that about?!?!

From Sad to Angry: Of course, when I wake up sad I often wind up going straight to being mad because I'm so confused about feeling sad before the day even starts. I'd at least like the opportunity to face the day with good humor. Instead, I wake up with a giant black cloud hanging over my head. And this makes me angry. This played out the usual way in the fitness center as I angrily swatted at mosquitoes who seemed hell-bent on trying to bite me. I didn't even get one but the satisfaction of trying to kill one seemed to help me lower my anger threshold. Of course, I then got sad and down again because not only did I not kill the mosquito, but I couldn't even run my two miles. I left the fitness center feeling like a failure...

So You Don't Get Surprised: Most of the time I prefer knowing about something that others consider to be "big surprises" before they happen. I don't like surprises. I can't control surprises. But people insist on doing things that surprise me. The irony of the phone call I got today? What they were telling me really wasn't a surprise and I honestly didn't care...not one bit. There was also other "surprising" news today, but I've given up on seeing anything that happens as a surprise. I haven't lost my distaste for surprises. I've just increased my "really don't care" threshold.

Yankees, Red Sox, Rays, and Rangers: I'm not an American League baby (I grew up with the Cubs), but I'm seriously astounded by the collapse of the Boston Red Sox. If it weren't for the Yankees saving their butts (yes, I just typed that), by beating the Rays, they Red Sox would not be leading the wild-card. Even with that said, the Angels are trying to close on the Rangers, and while the Rangers have held them off, the Angels have snuck up on the Red Sox! Why do I find this surprising? These are professional athletes and managers who have been in this position before. Some of the choices I see them making with lineups, pitchers, etc. are nothing short of...weird. Conspiracy? I won't go that far, but it definitely feels like some teams want to win and others are just out their playing at the game. Good luck to the Rays - I hope they catch the Sox, but watch out for those Angels - they aren't done yet!

Mystery Injuries: I've noticed that I have bruises that I don't know how I got and now my back is hurting and I don't remember doing anything to hurt it. I think I need to keep an eye on these things to see if I can find out what is going on and whether I need to tell my doctor. Hoping I've just been clumsier than usual and things will clear up soon.

Day 9: 9/20/11 - "Not Even the Trees"

"...You see I'm tired of feeling this pain
I'm tired of living my own little lie
And it makes me wonder
When I see you in my dreams
Does it mean anything
Are you trying to talk to me..."

- "Not Even the Trees" by Hooties & The Blowfish

Sad to Bed, Angry to Rise: I woke up angry again this morning. I can't make heads or tails of it. I keep thinking, "Did I dream about something that made me angry?" but all I remember is either a convoluted dream that just didn't make sense, or I don't remember my dream at all. But I still woke up angry, and not just "grumpy" as others have referred to me before, but all out, down right angry. As in, angry enough to kick something, angry enough to have a scowl on my face, and angry enough to get frustrated with the least little thing that does not go right. Case in point? I went to the fitness center, was bothered by a mosquito and in my efforts to swat him, I dropped my iPod. My normal reaction would have been to just sigh, pick up the iPod and get back on the elliptical. My reaction this morning? I went after the mosquito with a vengeance, gleefully smashed him, picked up my iPod and angrily got back on the elliptical for a pulse-pounding 15 minute workout...which I immediately castigated myself over because I only did 15 minutes. I wasn't going to win today, no matter what I did (or what others did). To put the cherry on top, when I got in to work, both of my 9 am desk staffers were out sick, so the prep time I had set aside for my class was gone since I had to open the desk.

Technology is a Bitch: A fickle, but alluring, bitch. Why do I say this? Because we find ourselves saddled with expensive pieces of equipment that either don't work right at all, or only work right occasionally, or require you to already know enormous amounts of information to use them...and then they break. I personally think that anything that cost $20,000 should work perfectly for at least a year before it is allowed to start acting up. And why do we put up with the crap that it delivers when we're the ones who paid for it? Random ranting done.

The Great Car Caper: I remember when I used to park my 1979 Mercury Cougar when I went to work and I would come out late at night and promptly forget where I parked my car. My first assumption, stupidly, was that someone had taken my car! Who in the hell would want a 1979 Mercury Cougar with shoddy brakes? I'm blaming youth for this. Today I parked my car in Lot 3 and when I left work, I walked to Lot 8. Needless to say, I didn't realize my error until I got to the lot and realized my car wasn't there, but not once did I think someone had stolen my 2009 Ford Focus...a much better car with lots of bells and whistles. I wonder why my assumptions have changed with age?

Day 8: 9/19/11 - "Innocence"

"What else can I do when the tears have all been wasted?
And the only voice you choose to hear
Sings the songs of our hearts breaking.
Say your dreams, they all have changed.
Well, my smiles, they all have faded.
And the thoughts that used to seem so pure in my heart
They now feel jaded.
Because I wanna feel Like I did.
And I wanna feel innocence."

-"Innocence" by Hootie & The Blowfish

Overwhelmed: That is the only word I can use to describe how I feel right now. I'll keep this posting short, mostly due to the fact that I'm too tired right now to put together one of my usual extra-long posts. I don't even know where to start with my list of things that need to be done. I'm trying to take care of things that need constant work but keep getting bull-dozed by things that need my immediate attention, along with things that are already past due. I'm desperately searching for some clarity in this difficult time. I'm feeling more and more tired each day and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up the pretense that I'm alright.

Play Through the Pain: I think I would have made a great professional athlete, for any sport that I might have tried. Why? Because obviously people applaud athletes who play through the pain. Break your leg but keep playing? You are great! Break a rib and puncture a lung and then come back in the game and lead your team on to a victory? You the man! If you can't see the sarcasm here, then you don't know me very well! Sorry fellas, but dying on the field only worked in places like Sparta during ancient times. You could be the ultimate hero in death - but I prefer to be the one who can return to fight (or play!) another day. It's not that I can't play through the pain - those who know me know that I live through the pain already! But you have to know your limits and a punctured lung is way beyond anyone's normal limits. What's next - a lacerated liver that bleeds out? Have fun surviving that one!

History: Congratulations Mariano Rivera - I may not be a Yankees fan but even I can appreciate his efforts and his overall dominance. Now, as long as the Yanks lose in the first round of the playoffs, all will be right with the world.

Day 7: 9/18/11 - "Reflection"

"Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time.
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside...."

-"Reflection" by Christina Aguilera

One Week: Today means that I've officially made it one week since my birthday. I know this doesn't seem like a big deal, and I know that time hasn't slowed down or sped up in any way, but this week seemed to drag on forever, but once the weekend arrived, I felt as if I needed/wanted more time. To do what? Nothing actually, but that's not the point. What I'm noticing is that I find myself dragging no matter what day of the week it is. Today I tried to do some of the normal things I always do and I find myself tired only a few hours into the day. I'm wondering when this will all end.

Chili: Though fall is officially not here yet (and with this being Texas, there is a chance that fall won't arrive for a while) I decided to make chili today. Nothing special, just black beans, garbanzo beans, lentils, chicken breast, tomatoes, shredded zucchini, red onion thrown into a pot with some seasoning. It doesn't taste bad but it will taste better if I let it sit for a couple of days. So I'll wait until Wednesday to give it a real try.

Trying to Catch Up: I can honestly say that I've never felt this far behind in my work ever before. I find myself fighting moments of rising panic when my brain tries to remind me that I've got so many things to get done, all with deadlines. It happened on Friday morning when I was sitting in a meeting. I was sitting there taking notes and listening to my colleague when all of a sudden I felt my heart jump and speed up as the thought crossed my mind - "I really need to get back to work, I have so much to do!" This has been happening nearly every day now for the past 3 weeks. I shouldn't be surprised, but I do know that I cannot go on like this. I'm either going to have a nervous breakdown or I'm going to burn out (they aren't the same thing, in case you are wondering, though they may seem similar). I'll try to go back to the "one thing at a time" mentality tomorrow but it didn't seem to work last week, so not sure how useful it will be this week.

Talking to Friends: I had the chance to chat with a good friend today and was reminded again of how much I hate talking on the phone (not because of her - I actually do like talking to her!). There is something about being on the phone that just drives me crazy and I want to do anything else. It doesn't matter who I'm talking to - mom, dad, friend, bill collector - all I can do is think about what I'm not doing because I'm on the phone (like today, I was thinking about the cleaning, cooking, and grading that I needed to get done).

Stormy Weather: A thunderstorm rolled through tonight - they usually frighten me but since this one was bringing rain, so I didn't really pay as much attention to the rumbling and flashes of lightening as I usually do. Don't get me wrong, I noticed them, but I didn't get as jumpy as I usually do. Wonder what that is all about?

Day 6: 9/17/11 - "King of Anything"

"All my life I've tried
To make everybody happy while I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide"

-"King of Anything" by Sara Bareilles

College Football Saturday: I sit here trying to type out this post while I watch the Oklahoma/Florida State game on TV. For those who know me, I'm a huge college football fan and as an Oklahoma alumna, I of course and highly focused on this game. At the start of this post it is the 4th quarter and Oklahoma is up 13 - 6. But it's not the game I wan to focus on but rather two things that happened during two games that really bothered me. The first happened during the Tennessee/Florida game. One of the Tennessee players was in on a hit and must have had his bell rung. The announcers saw it and those of us watching saw it as he struggled to stand up and clearly was not even sure what was going on. But he was allowed to stay in the game and line up for the next play. What happened to all of the talk about being careful about these kids getting concussions? The second happened in the OU/FSU game where FSU's quarterback clearly had an injured shoulder, indicated it to the sideline and they left him in the game! I'm concerned about the lack of concern shown for both of these players. Players shouldn't have to get knocked out cold to be pulled from a game and checked out! And *sigh* - FSU just scored a touchdown: 13 - 13.

Exercise and Energy: I had hoped to be out playing tennis this morning but my tennis partner texted me to let me know that they had gotten about 2 hours of rain that morning and he was going to go check the courts. Sure enough, the courts looked like a swimming pool and my tennis playing dreams were dashed. This meant I had to get up and go to the fitness center instead and with my knees already hurting, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to burn as many calories as I felt I need to. I wound up doing a 3 mph inclined walk for 30 minutes, jogging 2.5 km in 20 minutes, and using the elliptical for 30 minutes. Not ideal but I think it definitely burned the calories that I wanted to burn. Of course now my knees definitely hurt and so does my ankle, and my left hip, and my legs in general feel like too tired tree stumps. I also have absolutely no energy at all and haven't all day. What happened to the endorphins that used to kick in when I worked out? Why don't they work any more?

Online Dating: So, like many others, I tried online dating when I came to Texas. I decided to use Match.com since I had heard good things about it and it was fairly affordable. I had tried e-harmony in the past and never liked it, so Match seemed to be my best option. (Game Update: Touchdown Oklahoma!) I started Match in October 2010 and after 6 months I earned the 6-month free guarantee. How did I do that? Easy, I went 6 months without actually meeting anyone despite contacting people each month. So I figured that with 6 months of free service, I was bound to meet someone, right? Nope! (Game Update: Oklahoma wins!) I did not get one realistic contact or date the entire time I've been on Match. Did I get contacted? Yes...by people in Canada, Pennsylvania, California, France, and Italy...people who had no intention of ever coming to Texas for any reason and I know I wasn't planning on going to where they lived anytime soon. The few that were close to home weren't serious or completely ignored the fact that we weren't a match at all...in no ways. Why contact someone that is the exact opposite of what you are looking for especially when you are the exact opposite of what they are looking for? So, the whole point of this part of the entry is that I cancelled my Match subscription and Match nicely said "Hate to see you go, but you still have 17 days to find the one!" Really? You expect me to find someone in 17 days when I couldn't in 348? I don't look any different, nor has anything else on my profile changed. It was so funny I actually forgot to laugh!

Holiday Plans: My mom reminded me that I need to get my plane ticket home for Thanksgiving. I hope I can get a decent ticket but something tells me its going to be pretty steep and I might wind up flying home on Thanksgiving Day (can we say travel nightmare?).

Unfinished Business: In the hopes of not feeling as useless as I have lately, I actually attempted to work on my afghan today. It's hard to get myself to do much of anything on most days so I was really proud of myself when I actually managed to work on 3 of the squares today. Now if I could just get myself to work on Angel of Mercy....

Day 5: 9/16/11 - "Red"

"They say freak,
When you're singled out,
The red, well it filters through."

-"Red" by Chevelle

Rain, Rain, Wish You'd Stay. Stay, Stay for Another Day. I know that's not the real rhyme, but if you've been in Texas for the last year, then you know we need the rain. Today it rained and it was wonderful to watch and walk in. Then it was gone. Not sure if it helped our aquifer, but it couldn't hurt. As I thought about all of the sunshine and the heat that we've had lately, I started to wonder about SAD. When I lived in Seattle, people kept telling me to keep an eye out for the symptoms since technically they get so little sun there. But I never struggled. I started to wonder if I would have trouble with the opposite situation - too much sun! I do think that has been a part of why I've struggled with the big D so much recently. I mean, does the sky have to be so freaking blue all of the time? Can't I even just get a cloudy day (even if it doesn't rain)? And WTF is up with the multiple 100 degree days? I know what you're going to say...I moved to Texas, so I get what I deserve. I can only hope the weather breaks soon...before I do.

First the Right, Now the Left? I managed to make it through another 5k this morning, but my right knee is now barking. It doesn't feel like my left one did (the one with the torn meniscus) but it still hurts on stairs and bending. I'll have to keep an eye on it. I think watching my body breaking down has been the most annoying (and disheartening) part of aging. I know it is natural, but I think I'm aging prematurely and I hate it.

Beware the Cantaloupe. My father called this morning while I was on the treadmill and asked me if I had bought any cantaloupe recently. I told him know, I hate cantaloupe. he was very relieved...he worries about me now and often calls me any time there is a recall. Especially on things he knows I love, like ground turkey. I'm not surprised he forgot that I don't eat cantaloupe (my mother loves it), since I eat most things and love watermelon.

Helping the Lost. My staff member called me out to the desk today at nearly 5pm. I was already thinking that I might make it out of the office by 5:30 (which would be a real coup for me!). Instead, I met a student who was new to our country and struggling with the usual issues that student's have...roommates. I spent over an hour trying to help her figure out what to do (without giving her real advice since that's not part of my job). If you are wondering why I even bothered, its because I know on one level what she is going through (being far from home with no family). I at least could speak and understand the language well. She speaks fairly well but struggles to convey what she really feels. I sent her on her way with a plan and I hope it works for her. I honestly don't know what her other options might be (she said she tried to talk to counseling services but they didn't help her). She may just be out of luck. I almost said to her, "That's life" but thought that I would sound too callous.

Every Day. I took my last pill this morning and luckily I had remembered last night to call in my refill, but even as I drove home, I kept thinking "how sad I have to stop and get my pills so that I don't skip a day." Just another reminder of just what I've lost.

Day 4: 9/15/11 - "Hurt"

"You could have it all

My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way..."

-"Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails

There are days where you should just take the hint and go back to bed. Today was one of those days, though it didn't end too badly. Here's the recap:

I woke up with a pounding in my head and a stomach ache (bad omen #1), but I still made myself hit the gym...no excuses allowed. It took me longer than I expected to do my cardio, so of course I was running late, and my headache hadn't let up. I rush back to my apartment and start to pack my lunch and make my breakfast when I discover that my milk has soured (bad omen #2). So on a day where the temperature will be over a hundred, where the apartment is already pushing 90 degrees and where I'm rushed, I have to make oatmeal so that I'll have something to eat. I put the water on to boil, hit the shower (why wait for water to boil?), rush back to the kitchen and pour the oatmeal into the boiling water...and miss...getting some of the oatmeal under the eye. Yuck!!!! The smell of burning oatmeal is not pleasant! (bad omen #3). I gulp down the warm cereal, get dressed, fix the hair, grab the work bag, and head out the door, already 30 minutes behind schedule. Then I see my car...being watered by the sprinkler system at the apartment complex (bad omen #4). Not only is it a waste of water but the water is pour directly over the driver's side door...Yay, a 2nd shower for me!

Best Researcher Activity: I did get to have a little fun today as I had my students play a game to work on their research skills. The only downside? I get to grade...and grade...and grade some more this weekend! It was nice to try my hand at another "learn to do research" game and the students really got into it (could have been the extra points that were on the line!). I'm already thinking about what I can cover next Thursday and how to make it fun. It's startling how I'm finding my return to being a teacher to be the most fulfilling thing I'm doing right now. Even as I struggle with some of my students, I still stay positive and know that it will all work out. I hope I still have even this sliver of optimism as the semester continues.

Elsewhere on the Not Quiet Front: I'm still struggling with the merging of different areas in the library. We have so many things not working right that I'm finding it impossible to see what is working right. I'm hoping to get everything to an even keel soon so that new things, changes, improvement, whatever you want to call it, can start to take place. I just fear I'm going to run out of time...

New Name, Same Old Department: I'm mulling over the sort of "new" department name that we may be using soon. Not sure if I like it (though I don't dislike it). Just mostly wondering if the change is truly necessary and whether anyone , except for us internally, will even care. I'll just have to keep trying "Information Services & Student Engagement" out for a while. Wonder if it will stick?

Scavenger Hunts: I'm planning on having my students do my special "Murder Mystery Scavenger Hunt" as a treat some time this semester. Not sure when but I will surprise them - if they earn it! But while I was planning mine, some of my students participated in the LC's Sustainability Scavenger Hunt. I didn't expect them to win, but I was happy they wanted to participate. I get a call at 2:05 from one of my students in a panic. "Where are you? We need help!" I told her to come over to the library - I wanted to see what was going on. Sure enough, they had a list of questions and wanted me to answer them. I refused (you know me, Ms. Goody Two Shoes), but I did show them how to search for information on the University's site. Once I got them going I watched them interact and work together. They started out so frustrated and I thought they would quit, but they surprised me and kept working at a rapid pace and then headed off to finish up what they could.

I finished my next meeting and as I'm heading back downstairs one of my staff members says "There is a group of girls here to see you...I think they are part of the spirit squad or something." Spirit Squad? Why in the world would they be coming to see me. Then it hit me..."Are they wearing the same shirt?" Yes. It's my students...uh oh...they must not have won. I go out to the desk to see what was going on and they are smiling...they actually won the scavenger hunt! Of course, it wasn't that simple and there was some controversy and a strange story that is not meant for here. But I was very proud of them (and they will have the ultimate gratitude of the rest of the class since the prize is a pizza party!). Congrats to the Pretty Runners (yep, that's the name they picked).

Not a bad way to finish up the day, even as I stared balefully at the expensive KIC scanner that we just purchased and that has stopped working...again. Maybe it will rain tomorrow - we definitely need it.

Day 3: 9/14/11 - "Many the Miles"

"There's too many things that I haven't done yet Too many sunsets I haven't seen You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down You would've thought by now I'd have learned something"

-"Many the Miles" by Sara Bareilles

This song helps me when I'm working out - has a nice beat and I find it motivating. I've also found that I'm a huge Sara Bareilles fan in general, but some songs just speak to me. This is one of them. I'm also a huge fan of "Love on the Rocks" and "King of Anything." I'm looking forward to seeing her on The Sing Off this year as a judge (since I know she'll get to perform as well).

But back to business. How was my day? I can call it so-so. Nothing got destroyed but I didn't accomplish anything either. I also find that my cynicism levels seem to be ratcheting up at astronomical levels. I really need to work on that! I woke up sad again (no difference there) but I did sleep 6 hours straight (miracle of all miracles). I was again reminded of my new dependence on medicine when I noticed I have only one pill left of my synthetic thyroid hormone. I'll have to get it refilled tomorrow...if I remember. I may have to investigate HEB's automatic refill program - could be what I need to keep me on track.

I set out to clean my desk off this morning and found myself only able to stack things up in a new location (is shifting a type of cleaning?). I'm worried that things will start to pile up and I won't be able to find anything. I also attended 4 different meetings and planned for my students' library session tomorrow. Since I'm no longer worried about teaching as part of a research study that I was originally part of, I've decided to let my students learn through gaming - something I prefer to do if I can.

Fun and Games. So I checked out the "Let the Games Begin" book that I have a chapter in (along with a good friend), and I think I'm going to try to modify and use one of the games for researching. I will, of course, post more about this tomorrow and let you know how it goes. I really hope they have a good time and learn while doing this activity. I watch them now and realize just how far away from my own freshman year I am, and just how far I was away from these students even then. I would not have fit in with them - I have trouble understanding them - and I struggle to help them to be successful. Sometimes I fight the urge to just let them fail...that's how I was raised.

Is Failure Good? Trying to figure out if failure is a good thing is likely one of those questions that has bothered a number of people for a number of years. I know some people believe that failure can be good - that it can teach someone how to be stronger. But I've also seen people fail and not bounce back. What of those people? What if I could have prevented their failure (at whatever activity)? Where does my responsibility end, especially when talking about students in my class? I don't have an answer, but maybe one day I will.

My Own Failures: I have too many to list but once I started this post, I realized that I needed to write some of them down, so here goes:

• I have yet to finish any of the books I've been writing. (Sorry HDC!)
• I have not finished the giant afghan I've been working on for 2 years now. (Sorry Sweetings!)
• I've failed at being a good daughter, sister, and friend. I'm a terrible friend by the way, just in case some of you are wondering.
• I'm too selfish (is this a failing or just a bad character trait?).
  
• I've failed at maintaining my weight loss and healthy lifestyle (up 27 pounds...not sure if I will ever lose it).
• I've failed at playing tennis.
• I've failed at my quest to always be honest with others and myself. This might be my biggest failing, so I don't think I need to go any further since this pretty much encompasses a lot of things that I've failed at.

So Why Are You Running Away? I ran a 5k this morning...on the treadmill...in 37 minutes and 27 seconds. My best clocked time ever in a 5k is 31 flat. I wonder if I'll ever get back there? I can honestly say that I'm hurting a lot after this run and my knee and ankle both don't appreciate the bad treatment I've given them. I'll just have to ignore them and keep going...or risk being up more than 27 pounds. But will my body hold up to allow me to lose the weight in the only way I know how (by running)? Only time will tell.

Day 2: 9/13/11 - "Drown"

"So soon you will learn to forget
Bad times, the rules and regrets
One day they won’t reach out for you"

-"Drown" by Carolina Liar

Sometimes songs follow me, and as I listen to the lyrics I often feel as if they are speaking to me or for me. This was the case both yesterday on the way home from work and today, on the way in to work, as "Drown" by Carolina Liar was playing on my satellite radio. I have to say that I enjoy Carolina Liar, so I'm not surprised that I liked this song as well.

What a strange day! Today was a teaching day, and my students had to present their summer projects. Needless to say, they ranged from artsy to intellectual, but overall, they were very thoughtful! A few of my students did collages, and a couple did dioramas (I had to ask someone what this was since I didn't know). I find that I get most of joy these days from being with my students. They make me laugh, and sometimes they make me want to cry. But no matter what, they make me care - and this is what I think has been missing for me lately.
Cupcakes, Cupcakes Everywhere - And Plenty to Eat! To treat my students I also made them cupcakes today. The requests were for chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry (Neapolitan cupcakes - go figure!), so I made them all from scratch. And then, surprise!, one of my students made me cupcakes, with sprinkles since yesterday was my birthday. Thanks Nancy - they were delicious!

And for those who are health-conscious (as I am), I did bring some fresh fruit for those students who didn't want to cupcakes.

Chocolate Cupcakes

2 cups sugar
3/4 cup cocoa
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
2 eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 cup boiling water
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 cup milk
2 tsp vanilla

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and line cupcake pans with baking liners. In the mixer, combine the dry ingredients and combine. Add in the eggs, vegetable oil, milk, and vanilla, and mix well. Pour in the boiling water and stir. The batter will be thin. Pour into prepared pans and bake for 18 - 22 minutes. Remove from oven and cool in pan for a few minutes, then remove and cool on wire racks.

Strawberry Cupcakes
24 oz of strawberries
1-2 tsp sugar
1/4 cup milk at room temperature
6 large egg whites at room temperature
1 tbsp vanilla extract
2 1/4 cup cake flour
1 3/4 cup sugar
4 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 1/2 sticks butter, softened

If strawberries were not frozen or saved from before, slice and toss lightly with 1-2 tsp of sugar. Allow to sit out for 2 hours to allow them to form some juice. Place into blender or food processor and puree. You'll use about 3/4 cup of this puree in the batter.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line cupcake pan with liners.
Combine the strawberry puree, milk, eggs, vanilla, and mix with a fork. Put the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt into the mixer and combine on low. Add the butter until the mixture resembles moist crumbs. Add the liquids and beat at medium speed for 1 minute or until fully mixed. Then hand beat the batter for 30 seconds. Pour into prepared pans and bake for 20 - 25 minutes. You can use the rest of the puree on the cakes before you ice them, or reserve and use later.

Remove from oven and let cool in pans for about 10 minutes. Then remove to wire racks.

Vanilla Cupcakes
1/2 cup butter, at room temperature
2/3 cup sugar
3 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp sat
1/4 cup milk.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and line a cupcake pan with liners. Beat the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add in the eggs one at a time. Beat in the vanilla. Whisk the flour, baking powder, and salt together in a separate bowl. Add the flour and the milk alternately in 3 additions, flour - milk - flour (ending with flour). Batter will be fairly thick. Spoon batter into prepared pans and bake for 15 to 20 minutes.

Basic Buttercream Icing

Now that I've learned how to make buttercream, I flat out hate buying icing at the store. This basic recipe produces a very nice batch of buttercream every time I make it.

1 cup softened butter (unsalted)
3 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 tbsp boiled, hot water
1tsp vanilla extract

Beat the butter until it is soft and fluffy (the amount of time will depend on a number of things, including the temperature and where you live, so it could take 2 minutes or 5 minutes or more). Add in the sugar, hot water, and vanilla extract and beat until pale and creamy. It usually takes me a good 5 to 10 minutes to get the buttercream to the consistency I like.

The Perils of Driving to Work

So after loading up the cupcakes (I only iced the strawberry ones before going to work), I was driving very carefully so that I did not upset the cupcakes. But alas, how I drive isn't important - it is how others drive. And someone not paying attention and tailgating managed to nearly cause a 3 car pile-up (with me as the 3rd car). Luckily I was watching and started braking very early. But when I got to work, of course the cupcakes had flipped upside down in their container. The only good news? The buttercream held up and I didn't lose any! I finished icing the others at work (so much easier and less mess). The students enjoyed them and my colleagues got the left overs.

So Where Am I At Today?

Sorry to say that I didn't wake up happy this morning. I'm trying to monitor this so that I don't take my anger or sadness in to work. Luckily the students gave me a burst of energy that lasted about an hour. Then I found myself exhausted and dragging out of the door at 6:30 pm, feeling like I was even further behind than when I started that day. It's mostly an illusion but I know some of it is real. I'll try not to let this feeling get to me as well. Day 2 has been survived. On to day 3.

Day 1: 9/12/2011 - Why My Birthday Means It's Time For a Change

So already I'm breaking my own "resolution" to post to this blog every day for a year. I'll do two posts today, to make up for the lack of a post on my official "1st" day.

So yesterday was my birthday, and though I normally don't bother to truly celebrate (sometimes friends will drag me out), I realized yesterday that this is the 2nd birthday that I'm truly spending alone. The other one doesn't count because I was driving up to Seattle to start school and I really had no choice...it was also the day after 9/11. Needless to say, I was hit hard by this fact and was nearly swamped by overwhelming feelings of isolation, desolation, and just plain old sadness.

Now, I can try to blame a number of things for these feelings:

1. I was exactly 1 month removed from major surgery.
2. This surgery left me with the need to take medication for the rest of my life and my body is just not used to the medication yet.
3. I'm stressed from work.
4. I miss my family.

I could go on, but I think you get the point. With all of that said, what I realized is that I truly just have too much weighing on my mind right now.

What to Do, What to Do? I have no easy solution for myself to pull myself up and out of the dumps. Used to be I could just go for a run, and bam! the endorphines would kick in. But, still recovering from surgery and dealing with a bum knee and ankle, that's just not an option any more. I honestly don't know what to do, but I can say that I know I need to get some of this off of my chest. So, for the first time in over 20 years, I'm going to try journaling. But why am I using a public blog to do this? Not sure, call it my cry for help. Call it my need to have others understand. Or, just call it a convenient way for me to vent. What I do know is that I'll not always be venting, or crying, or sad. Some days I hope to be hopeful, and happy, and also posting fun things (including recipes!).

Plus, who's reading this anyway?

I think this is long enough for the first official post. Might as well close it fully:

"Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday Dear Kawanna, Happy Birthday to Me."