Day 293: 6/30/12 - "Bully"

"It’s 8 A.M.
This hell I’m in
Seems I’ve crossed the line again
For being nothing more than who I am"

-"Bully" by Shinedown

One More Day In Paradise: It's sad to think I'll be heading back home tomorrow after what has felt like too short of a time here with my friend.  I can admit that its been like living in an alternate reality where I could do what I wanted to do and not get into trouble for slacking.  Tomorrow I hop on a plane and return to what is my so-called life.  I'll say goodbye to a good friend who has helped me to have at least a few days of peace (if not quiet with my three favorite pups!).  I'll see how quickly I bounce back from traveling since I have to be at work bright and early.  Wish me luck!

Baking Extravaganza: Just wanted to make sure I posted some pics of all the things I've been cooking while at my friend's house.  Here it is for your drooling pleasure!

Day 292: 6/29/12 - "Defying Gravity"

"Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes: and leap!"

-"Defying Gravity" from Wicked

I Love That Musical!  This is the second time I've seen Wicked and I can truly say that I love that musical!  It doesn't matter who plays the roles - they always have such talented singers and dancers. And the story itself is one that we should all pay attention to.  Where else does the wrong girl win?  That's what I'm looking for in my life...to be the one chosen when everyone else overlooks me.  I hope I get to go back again some day, but for now I'm off to download the soundtrack!

 

Day 291: 6/28/12 - "Karma"

"Yeah, how bittersweet is Karma
Now you've done it you own it
Know that it's coming
Don't change for nothing
We all feel karma now"

-"Karma" by Sevendust

Live Band Karaoke!  I finally did karaoke again for the first time since my surgery last year and I got to do live band karaoke, at that!  It was so cool (and strange) being on stage with an actual band (and I was so nervous that I forgot to say thanks to all of them at the end) but it was a good time.  It was officially Rock Out karaoke so the song list was limited to what the band could play (which is actually a lot!) and I wound up doing "Just a Girl" by No Doubt.  I only made one mistake (I started up again too soon!) and I got some of it on video (thanks TO).  I'll think about posting the video later when I've had time to clean it up a bit.  All in all a fun night out in San Diego.  Tonight we go to see Wicked!  I've seen it before but I loved it and can't wait to see it again!  Here is one fun pic from karaoke...see my new friend? :-)

Day 290: 6/27/12 - "Don't Miss Your Life"

"...We all know time goes way too fast
Hold on tight ‘cause it don't happen twice
Don't miss your life."

 -"Don't Miss Your Life" by Phil Vassar

But I'm On Vacation!  The audacity of some people!  Your procrastination is not my problem nor is it my fault, so bugging me during my time away is just rude!  And, asking me to take care of something that you know damn well you can take care of by yourself, well, that's just plain stupid since I'm not there and I can't do it.  Keep in mind that I'm on VACATION.  I may send you e-mails during your time away but I don't expect an answer.  You're sending me text messages and e-mails with deadlines of this week...while I'm on VACATION!!!

Speaking of Vacation...I hung out at UCSD today while my friend TO went to her class.  The campus has some of the coolest architecture I've ever seen!  I had a great time taking pictures, hanging out in the library, and then freezing my butt off while enjoying the free guest wifi access (thanks for having such great access!).  Here are the pics of the campus that I took:

Day 289: 6/26/12 - Tbd

Today proved to be both a mix of joy and sadness. I had to say goodbye to one friend but hello to another. I'll miss NJ so much and don't know when I'll get to see her again. But spending time with TO is another thing I love to do and I know I'm going to have a blast! Joy of Cooking I really don't know how to express how much I love to cook and bake but TO let Mr do both tonight and I was in heaven! I made gumbo and chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter buttercream. Both came out well. I'm starting to think I could do that for a career after all!

Day 288: 6/25/12 - "Walk Away"

"So before you point your finger
Get your hands off of my trigger

You need to know this situation's getting old
And now the more you talk
The less I can take, oh

... If you don't have the answer
Walk away..."

-"Walk Away" by Kelly Clarkson


Special Delivery: My package has arrived at my friend's house and I can't wait to pick it up!  Tomorrow she comes to get me and I get my package and then I get my freedom!  So excited...but also excited that I get to spend some time with my friend and just relax, relax, relax!!!!


My Doggies Are Barking!  If you don't know what that means, then look it up.  I have walked more in the last three days than I have in a long time.  That's my excuse for why I've also been eating really bad food.  I've had both ice cream and frozen yogurt today...just terrible (tee hee hee).  I'll likely make them hurt more tomorrow when I get up to either run (not likely) or walk (more likely).  Knees are really hurting...old age is not kind to the joints.


Battledecks: Hit the ALA Battledecks tonight and really want to commend the people who put together the slides for the show because they were fabulous.  The competition was fierce, if not as strong as I had hoped for.  But there was much humor to be had and an enjoyable show was put on.  Wish NJ could have stayed for the whole thing, but she had to go to lame party (she is not happy with the travel arrangements either - neither are her dogs...see former post for explanation).

Day 285: 6/22/12 - "Into the Ocean"

"Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be...

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm fallin' in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down..."

-"Into the Ocean" by Blue October

Pain Sucks: I'm making this a short post because all I remember from Friday was that I was in pain all day (though Saturday was slightly worse).  I also remember that I managed to dissolve advil by leaving it on a table next to a sweating bottle of ice.  That was a not so much fun experiment...I really needed that advil...

Day 287: 6/24/12 - "This Is How We Do It"

"This is how we do it

It's Friday night

And I feel alright

The party's here on the west side..."

-"This Is How You Do It" by Montell Jordan

Conference Long Days...Again: What a day!  I decided to skip breakfast because Disney wiped me out.  For once NJ got up before I did!!!!  But since she is such a good roommate she did not purposely wake me up since I was awake but playing possum.  I finally rolled over, got dressed, got a quick breakfast and headed over to Sage for a focus group on mobility and e-books - it was an interesting session with a mix of different library types and Sage was nice enough to give us Starbucks gift cards.  Then it was off to the LIRT program (which was very well attended, and people left because there were no seats).  I stuck around for 30 minutes but had to leave to attend the Spectrum Luncheon (where they were celebrating Betty Turock and all she has done for Spectrum).  It was a great lunch (great food) and great atmosphere.  Then it was back onto the bus to head over to Disney again for a meeting but I was late because the buses suck!  I hate having to wait for a bus, then get on the bus and have the bus wait to leave...are you kidding me?!?  So I was late for my meeting but I made it.  Then I walked back (because I hate the buses), hit the Convention Center for a bit, and then back to the room to shower and put on my dancing shoes. Then I went to the LIRT 35th Anniversary party where we had some really nice live jazz music (provided by the Blue Breeze Band), I made everyone dance, and we had fantastic food!  I'll post pictures later of me in my killer dress.  Now hanging out with NJ before possibly doing karaoke (if I don't fall to sleep).  All in all, not a bad day at ALA!

Day 286: 6/23/12 - "It's A Small World"

"It's a world of laughter

A world of tears

It's a world of hope

And a world of fears

There's so much that we share

That it's time we're aware

It's a small world after all..."

-"It's A Small World" by Disney

Long Days at Conference...But Worth It!  Saturday proved to be a long day at conference.  LIRT meetings from 8am - Noon; standing at the LIRT booth until 2:00pm; Visiting my friends poster session until 2:30; hitting the LCDP closing ceremony until 4:00pm; Then Disney with good friends....where I ate too much and rode some rides.  Here are my Disney reflections:

• It was smaller than I expected.  We took the train just to ride and I had the impression that it was larger, but once we walked it and kept on walking, I realized just how small it was.
• I seem to have a thing for ears...I got a Mickey pretzel and relished biting his ears off...
• Captain EO Tribute was great - seeing Michael young again and doing what he did best was nice...
• The Pirates of the Caribbean ride was a joke...I liked seeing the animitronic Johnny Depp but the ride itself was just...blah.
• Splash Mountain lived up to its name...got soaked!
• Space Mountain was the best - loved it!
• Goofy is a little handsy with adults - be careful when you give him a hug! :-)

I hope to have pictures to post later.  I'll add them to this post!

Day 284: 6/21/12 - "Come Fly With Me"

"Come fly with me,

Let's fly, let's fly away..."

-"Come Fly With Me" by Frank Sinatra

Traveling Is So Much....Fun?  Early morning flights are not always fun, but mine turned out much better than I expected.  I had to cab it to the airport, but once there, I didn't have to wait long to get onto my plane.  My next flight was a little bit in question as I had to pretty much do a professional fast-walk to make it from one terminal to the other.  But the flight went well and we landed nice and early in sunny but cool (yay!) California.  Then I hit the shuttle and got the the hotel and...they wouldn't let me check in early...at all.  But at least I wasn't alone - they wouldn't let anyone else check in early either.  So a long walk, some Subway, the Convention Center, free wi-fi, and 4 hours later I had a headache, I was overly tired, but able to check in and see my friend!  So all in all, it was fun...sort of.  And I'm in Sunny California!  Can't wait to see my other friends too!

Day 283: 6/20/12 - "What Goes Around"

"What goes around...

Comes back around

I thought I told you..."

-"What Goes Around" by Justin Timberlake

Some People Never Learn: When you keep doing the same thing over and over again, and you keep upsetting the same people, you eventually get bitten in the butt yourself...usually due to your own actions.  Stop treating people the way you do and you might be able to redeem yourself...but you might also be too far gone.  No worries, I'm over it.  Just fair warning.

Packing...and Packing Again: I had to repack my clothes at 11pm last night because I forgot to put a few things I needed into the bag. Oh well - at least it all fit...once I took out a pair of jeans and two shirts.  Thank goodness TO will allow me to do laundry at her place when I arrive!

Day 282: 6/19/12 - "Take Me There"

"There's a place in your heart where nobody's been.
Take me there.
Things nobody knows, not even your friends.
Take me there.
Tell me about your momma, your daddy, your home town, show me around.
I wanna see it all, don't leave anything out.
 

 I wanna know, everything about you.
And I wanna go, down every road you've been.
Where your hopes and dreams and wishes live, where you keep the rest of your life hid...."

-"Take Me There" by Rascal Flatts

Not Great But Not Bad: My return visit to my least favorite type of doctor in the world (ladies, you all know which one I mean) turned out better than I expected.  Yes, I have a couple of fibroids, but neither is in a location that they are worried about, and neither is of a size that would cause problems.  So lucky me, I get to just take ibruprofen for the pain (again, ladies, you know what I'm talking about).  All in all, a good visit if you can get past the very invasive sonogram I had to have.  For all those politicians who want to pass a law requiring any woman to have to have a sonogram in order to have an abortion - all I have to say is "not a chance!"  I would not wish that uncomfortable procedure on any woman, no matter the reason.  I may not think that abortion is right, but it is still the right of an individual woman, one that they've been making for hundreds of years (Yes, men - abortions existed long before there were doctors, clinics, or anything sanitary and safe.  Women figured it out back then, they'll figure it out again, so get over yourselves!).  Okay, I'm off of my soap box.

Packing:  I hate packing for long trips - especially when I'm trying to avoid paying for my luggage.  Now I have to make decisions about what to take and what not to take.  I think I'm just going to borrow some clothes from my friend Toni - she's shorter than I am, but we wear about the same size.  So if I need something nice to wear to one of our outings, I may have to rely on her (or go shopping and leave it with her!).  Oh well, I'll figure it out tomorrow - I'm too tired tonight to deal and I have some self-medicating to do...doctor's orders (see above!).

Day 281: 6/18/12 - "No Surprise"

"I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I say it louder, I love how it sounds
'Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrappin' this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise. I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed 'til today...

It came out like a river, once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever, just pushing it down
It felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now..."

-"No Surprise" by Daughtry

Some Days Are Longer Than Others: Some days are made longer than others by the actions of certain people.  Having to sit through a meeting where nothing of importance is discussed is so tedious sometimes.  Especially when you have other things to do.  Also, when you have to work on something that you truly don't want to work on, that can make the day longer as well.  Finally, dealing with someone who has their own distinct and negative opinion about how students should learn, and dismissing your offer of help, can make a day really, really, long!  And of course, having to cover chat until 9pm can make a day long.  I know I'm not telling most of my friends about anything they haven't experienced for themselves.  Hence my post just now getting done at after midnight.  But tomorrow is another day and I get to sleep in, so goodnight all!

Day 280: 6/17/12 - "Make You Feel My Love"

"I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong..."

-"Make You Feel My Love" by Adele

Reverse Discrimination?  Okay, so this is going to sound weird and be one of my odder observations, but a few weeks ago I remember fussing because I got up Sunday morning for my walk to the grocery store, only to find it closed.  Why?  It was Mother's Day and HEB was closed.  I couldn't believe it!  So I got up this morning and prepared myself for the same fate, though I needed to walk anyway.  Low and behold, they were open...normal hours.  What in the world?  Is this a way to say that fathers are less important than mothers in our world? What could be he reasoning behind this decision?  I'm still trying to figure this out (while also being happy the store was open).

Waiting Game: I hate having to wait to do something, whether pleasant or unpleasant.  I just want to get whatever it is over with and move on.  But now I have to wait and I need to be patient about it.  I can't let my emotions get the best of me.  I need to remember to stay clam and in control.  I also need to go ahead and pack for my trip on Thursday.  No wait I'm waiting until the last minute to do that!  Still hoping to get a ride from the airport.  I thought I was going to be able to ask for a ride to the airport but realized my flight leaves at 7am, so no chance anyone would be willing to get up at 5:30 to drop me off.

Day 279: 6/16/12 - "Beautiful"

"Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed..."

-"Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera

Long Day: I managed to get my 6 miles in today but it was tougher than I expected.  I ran inside on the treadmill since it has gotten too hot to be outside lately.  I was struggling during the last mile but I managed to complete it.  I really need to figure out how to replenish my fluids faster.  I wonder if the Gatorade people do free consultations for non-athletes!  That would be asking for a bit much!


Anger or Acceptance: I'm trying to figure out if I'm angry about the actions of someone or just accepting of them since it tends to be the way they've always been.  Right now I'm leaning towards acceptance since it doesn't really matter to me what they do.  But anger is still there because I feel like there is potential for there to be more.  Oh well...

Day 278: 6/15/12 - "Out of L.A."

"She said, "Man I gotta get out of this town

Man I gotta get out of this pain

Man I gotta get out of this town

Out of this town..."

-"Out of L.A" by Beth Hart

My Odd Taste in...Everything: So, I'm watching Megamind and from the beginning I made the observation that the Baby Megamind was so cute while the Baby Metroman was...well, not cute.  So is it strange that I found adult Megamind to be more attractive than the adult Metroman?  Okay, I know that sounds a bit strange, but truly I think I've always been the same way with "real" people.  Someone that others call ugly, I often find to be nice looking. And those that others say are pretty, I often find to not be as attractive as others think.  Go figure!  Okay, enough of the craziness of watching cartoons as if they are real life!

Guess What?  I know from experience that when I'm trying to make myself feel better about something, or when I know I'm trying to convince someone of something that isn't quite true, I tend to ramble on and on and on....Got to experience that for myself today and definitely didn't like it one bit!  Also, had the urge to laugh because it truly was comical the way it was happening.  Live and learn...and keep it short and simple!

Day 277: 6/14/12 - "Keep Your Eyes Open"

"If you could soldier on
Headstrong into the storm...
Don’t look back
The road is long...

Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You’ll never make it to the great unknown till you
Keep your eyes open...
So show me your fire, show me your heart"

-"Keep Your Eye Open" by NeedToBreathe

Not Meant to Be: Sometimes things that you think are what you need and are meant to be, just aren't.  Sometimes its not your fault that these things don't work out, even if a part of you feels guilty because that's your personal make up.  My guilt level for this particular failure is nearly zero though, which is a new sensation for me.  Instead I'm battling a high level of anger - anger that someone else's actions and behaviors have caused me to make such a major change in my life.  But I refuse to give this person any more of me, and continuing to be angry would let her win.  I have only positive things to look forward to now, and look forward I will...

California Bound: Only a week to go until I hit Cali - I'm super excited because I'll get to spend time with some of my best friends, while enjoying the California sunshine and taking in Disney.  What could be better?  Well, of course there are likely things that could make it better, but I won't worry about that!  I'm just going to concentrate on having fun!

Day 276: 6/13/12 - "A Woman's Worth"

"You can buy me diamonds

You can buy me pearls

Take me on a cruise around the world.

Baby you know I'm worth it...."

- "A Woman's Worth" by Alicia Keyes

What Am I Worth?  This is such a tough question and one thing that I've been told that women (and yes, that includes me) have trouble articulating. Tomorrow I have to try to do this for myself knowing that if I fail to do it correctly I could make a big mistake.  I've never been good at it...I don't think highly enough of myself, I guess.  But I think it is more than that..I think it has to do with my sense of what is fair, not only for me but for other people.  I've often posted about how I dislike unfair practices...I don't want to become part of one!

Day 275: 6/12/12 - "Upside Down"

"Who's to say what's impossible?

Well they forgot this world keeps spinning

And with each new day

I can feel a change in everything...

I want to turn the whole thing upside down

I'll find the things they say just can't be found...

Who's to say I can't do everything?

Well I can try, and as I roll along I begin to find

Things aren't always just what they seem

I want to turn the whole thing upside down

I'll find the things they say just can't be found..."

- "Upside Down" by Jack Johnson

Late Posting: I didn't actually post last night because I was too busy and too tired.  I had a lot on my mind, so I'm letting Jack Johnson speak for me...

Day 274: 6/11/12 - "Everybody Bleeds The Same"

"If it's fear that you feel
The fear exists on a larger scale
Spin the world and stop it still
Anywhere you land, anyone you kill
You are gonna find that

Everybody bleeds the same after all
Everybody feels the same pain
And the preachers preach
And they write it all down like they know
But the secret is
Everybody bleeds the same..."

- "Everybody Bleeds The Same" by Ferras

Decisions, Decisions:  Some decisions are easier than others.  I know that when I chose to come here to San Antonio, I found it to be an easy decision.  I'm now faced with another big decision and this one is so far from easy that I can't even call it difficult...it might damn well be impossible.  No matter what I do I will have to give up something.  And I won't have any way of knowing which is the better decision (note, I don't say "right" decision) until after I make it.  And then there is no way to truly compare things anyway since I have to try to compare apples to oranges.  *sigh*  I need to sleep on it!

Cookie Experimentation:  Decided to tweak my cookie recipes tonight.  Didn't touch thr M&M one - it tends to be fine nut added a few different spices to the chocolate ones and decided to change up the oatmeal ones by throwing some almonds, white chocolate chips, and cranberries to it.  Yum!

Crazy Celebrations: Am I the only one who thinks that some sports have the most dangerous celebrations?  The piling on at the end of some games in some sports (baseball and basketball, namely) is downright stupid.  The person on the bottom could easily get seriously hurt!  And the jumping onto home plate in baseball?  Kenji Morales...enough said.  But nothing scares me more than hockey...when a team wins and everyone goes to mob one or two people...and they are all wearing skates...with blades...oh yeah, that's just not intelligent!

Day 273: 6/10/12 - "Once"

"Ooh, once upon a time I could control myself, yeah...
Once upon a time I could lose myself, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Once, upon a time I could love myself, yeah...
Once upon a time I could love you, yeah, yeah, yeah..."

- "Once" by Pearl Jam

Assumptions: In this day and age it drives me crazy that so many people assume so much about me based on the way I look.  I was at the grocery store this morning and this man decided to chat with me as I was leaving.  He wanted me to know that his niece was my height and had played college ball in Buffalo.  He then told me her name as if I would know her personally.  Then he commented that she had chosen not to go to the WNBA and instead and become a nurse (said in a way that told me he clearly didn't understand her decision).  I politely explained to him that I had never played ball, didn't know his niece and thought it was wonderful that she had become a nurse.  It hurts when even family members think that all you need to do, all you are good for when you are a tall black woman is playing basketball.  Open up your eyes, folks!  We have brains and most of us choose to use them - give us a little credit, please!

Good to See You!  I had dinner tonight down on the Riverwalk with some former colleagues from NC State.  It was good to see them all and to get a chance to actually get out of the house for two days in a row.  The Riverwalk was not overly crowded, which was good, but man was it warm down there.  I'm just not cut out for the heat!  I really need to think about moving somewhere that is mostly mild all year.  I would normally say cold, but I can't stand being too cold either!  We at at one of the Mexican restaurants down there and the food was okay - though sitting outside in the heat and trying to fend off the birds that were looking for food didn't make for the best atmosphere.

"

Day 272: 6/9/12 - "Take Me Out To The Ball Game"

"Take me out to the ball game

Take me out with the crowds

Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack

I don't care if I never get back

For it root, root, root for the home team

If they don't win its a shame

For its one, two, three strikes your out

At the old, ball game"

Even the Minors Are Fun: I hit the Missions game with my co-worker last night and really had a nice time, despite the mugginess that we had to sit through.  A smaller ball park is often a lot of fun to experience - and we were able to get two seats behind home plate in the 2nd level (which in a small park is pretty close).  The Missions are a San Diego affiliate so luckily I have a Padres hat I was able to wear to the game (though there, you see a lot of Rangers' hats and almost every other major league team).  There were a few Missions fans too - and you could tell they were people who love their Missions.  They had 3 different mascots running around, and in the San Antonio heat I hope they receive hazard pay.  They have a jalapeno, a puffy taco, and a Church's chicken.  It's always fun to see these characters interact with the crowd, especially the kids, and there were a lot of kids there.  A number of little league baseball and softball teams came as a group.  I enjoyed some nachos and split a funnel cake with my colleague - which, though not healthy was definitely worth having.  We got a nice fireworks show at the end and the Missions won.  I'd like to go back some time, it was an affordable baseball outing (around $25 for ticket, parking, and food), which when compared to a major league game is about 1/4 the cost.

Day 271: 6/8/12 - "Bittersweet"

"All these things I carry now
In this bittersweet, in this bittersweet now..."

-"Bittersweet" by Fuel

Tired: Most people who know me, know that I don't go to bed early.  I rarely get sleepy before midnight if not later, and I never get so tired around 10pm that I have to crawl into bed or risk falling asleep on the couch.  But for the past week, this is where I've been .  Super tired even as  I type this entry.  I'll keep it short and likely spruce it up tomorrow.  But suffice it to say, I'M TIRED!!!!

Day 270: 6/7/12 - "Follow Through"

"So, since you wanna be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through..."

-"Follow Through" by Gavin Degraw

You'd Think I Would Learn...There are just people in this world who don't want to work and who will find any excuse not to do any work, even when their work is pretty basic and cushy compared to what others have to do.  If either of my parents could earn as much as some people do and only have to come to work in a library versus say, a chicken plant or a factory, I think they would jump at it!  If you are truly ill, then of course you shouldn't come to work.  If you just don't feel well but otherwise you are fine - you should come to work!  If I didn't go to work just because I didn't feel well, then I'd spend most of my days at home lying around, feeling sorry for myself!  Okay, off of my soap box..

Why Are Women Nicer To Me Then Men?  I've had a number of women tell me they thought I was pretty, even gorgeous (though I know that is a super stretch) and I remember thinking that they were all crazy (and no, they weren't hitting on me...well, maybe one was).  This is not about me either, this is about the fact that women and men see people differently.  Just like other women, I can look at a woman or a man and see the beauty in them - even if society says they aren't "beautiful."  So why do most men not have that ability?  I'm not saying all men...but most.  I know that in the world of most men my age and younger, I don't measure up.  For older men, I'm okay.  But by the time I reach the age of needing an older man, I will no longer be pretty for them.  How unfair is that?  Okay, time to stop dwelling on that!

Day 269: 6/6/12 - "Mexico"

"You could see me reaching,
So why couldn't you have met me halfway
You could see me bleeding
But you could not put pressure on the wound

You only think about yourself.
You only think about yourself.
You'd better bend before I go..."

-Mexico by Incubus

I Don't Shush People: But I really wish I could have shushed the construction workers who came by to set up the scaffolding for a project today.  They weren't being just naturally loud...they were adding extra emphasis (throwing metal bars up and down the scaffolding, so that when metal hit metal you heard a loud clang).  I'm surprised more of our students didn't leave but apparently they were okay with it.  It was just the staff who had headaches and were ready to throw the construction workers outs.

New Symptoms: I'm glad I'm scheduled for the doctor next week - it is beyond time for me to get an answer for the issues I'm dealing with.  With new ones appearing almost daily, I've lost track of when something started and whether or not I could have caused it by my own behavior.  I'll get my answer soon - just hope it's one I can live with.

Day 268: 6/5/12 - "I Will Never Be The Same"

"So you walked with me for a while

bared your naked soul

And you told me of your plan

How you would never let them know

In the morning of the night

You cried a long lost child

And I tried, oh I tried to hold you

But you were young and you were wild

And I, I will never be the same

Oh I, I will never be the same..."

-"I Will Never Be The Same" by Melissa Etheridge

Another One Lost Too Soon: I don't know what I originally planned to post about tonight.  I'm sure I had some thoughts in my head from my day today.  But instead I will write about my cousin, Dawn, who died today.  Dawn and I weren't close in the sense of growing up together.  But we were close in age.  She and my brother are only a few months apart and I think her sister Kim and I are about the same age.  No matter, thinking about Dawn being gone makes me think about how I'd feel if I lost my brother.  I wouldn't be ready to let him go.  I don't know how Kim or her little sister Nicki are doing right now.  I'm sure this is still too fresh and too new for them to be able to digest it at all.  I may not have been close to Dawn, but she was still family, I still knew her, and now she is gone.

We called her Mookie.  I don't know why, but it fit.  She had a great smile (I'm told she looked a lot like her mother) and she always seemed to be laughing whenever I saw her.  I don't know what kind of life she had.  By the time I have memories of her, we were all much older, though I have vague memories of us when we were younger.  I'm sad to say that most of the time I saw Dawn was at a funeral, though there were a couple of family get togethers that weren't so sad.  I think the last time I saw her she had come to visit my Mom when she was in the hospital after having back surgery.  She and Kim love my mom and losing Dawn must feel a lot like losing a daughter to my mother.  I think about her children and hope that they will be able to move forward and on with their lives.  I have no doubt that their aunts will be there for them - but I'm sure it won't be the same.

I don't know why Dawn died - I have a vague sense of my mom saying she may have been diabetic, had gotten an infection in her kidney, or something along those lines.  It doesn't really matter since she was only 38 years old.  38 and gone too soon.  I know others have lost someone much younger.  We lost my other cousin a couple of years ago now and she wasn't even 30 yet.  We lost my cousin Pistol when he was much younger than that.  Each loss wears on me as I wonder about the fact that they are gone but I am still here.  They all had children - children who will now have to grow up without a parent.  I see some of these children when I go home to visit - they are being raised by my cousins and they are getting love and support. But it's not the same.  Why are they gone, but I'm still here?

I won't sleep tonight - I never do when I'm struck by any level of grief.  I'm being selfish right now and thinking about myself.  I can't help but to think about what I will lose one day.  We all lose someone...sometimes we lose ourselves.  I have to remind myself that when its me, I won't know it...I won't know anything.  What will I leave behind?  I have no children to find someone to care for...I have only me.  Who will leave me behind and what will I leave behind?  I won't sleep tonight, but that's nothing new.  I won't sleep tonight, thinking about what I'll leave behind, thinking about being left behind...I won't sleep tonight.

Day 267: 6/4/12 - "Voices"

"You could say I'm a little bit crazy

You could call me insane

Walkin' round with all these whispers

Runnin' round here in my brain..."

-"Voices" by Chris Young

When it Starts to Get to You: I know I'm letting things get to me when I start to forget things that I shouldn't.  Today I barely remembered I was supposed to be at work early and made it just on time.  Then I forgot that I had switched desk shifts around and actually didn't have to be at the desk, but still rushed through my lunch as if I had to be (my stomach did not appreciate the abuse).  I made it through the rest of the afternoon and thought it was getting better, but I got home and realized I was supposed to stop at the store to pick up some butter for the baking I had to do.  I got lucky when I found I had enough (just enough) to make my batch of buttercream.  And then...the buttercream fell apart!  And I had no more butter - I was so upset!  Then I sat down and decided to do my post (before I forgot one more thing).  I logged into my e-mail just to see what was there and low and behold - I got my reminder for my two chat shifts...that I had forgotten completely.  Jeez...I feel like such a dumb ass right now!  I have to get it together and soon - I can't keep letting the actions of others (or the inactions in some cases) ruin my life.  I have to focus, accomplish as much as I can and try to be my best - that is all I can do!

Banana Cream Cupcakes: Since I messed up the buttercream, I don't have any nice pictures to post, but at least I can report that the cupcakes themselves (vanilla with banana cream and banana with banana cream) were absolutely delicious...moist, soft, and tasty!  Then I killed the butter cream and ruined everything.  I won't post a picture of the ruined buttercream - it breaks my heart to even think about it.  And what a waste of ingredients!  I think that bothers me more than anything else.  I hate wasting anything!

Day 266: 6/3/12 - "Break Stuff"

"Its just one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sucks..."

-"Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit

Epic Fail: Today was one of those days that was just never going to go right, from beginning to end.  I woke up before my alarm with a headache, but after eating, it dissipated enough for me to think that the day would get better.  I headed out to play tennis and didn't win a single game!  I barely one a point.  It was like I couldn't see the ball, couldn't move my feet, couldn't hit a shot.  Nothing went right at all.  I know that I'm not a tennis player by trade, so having a a day like that is no big deal, but it really bothered me that I couldn't do anything right.  It just felt as if that short tennis match was a microcosm of my life...I can't do anything right.  I made it home, showered and then promptly forgot that I needed to go to the store.  I got home, fixed  my meals and immediately realized that the headache was back and had been joined by a return of the pain I've had for the past week.  I was hoping it had gone away for good, but it was back with a vengeance.  The rest of the day has been a blur as I've tried to figure out how to make myself feel better.  Nothing has worked yet...

Day 265: 6/2/12 - "White Flag"

"I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be..."

-"White Flag" by Dido

So Sad: There are days when I look at my life and realized just how empty it is sometimes.  Today was one of those days.  I wanted to get up and go do something but I didn't have anyone to call and I didn't want to go out by myself.  I've gone through periods of time where I don't care if I'm alone when I go out to eat, or go to the movies.  But today I knew I would be too self-conscious to do that.  I'd think about people staring at me and feeling sorry for the girl who has to eat alone, watch a movie alone, be alone.  Yes, this reeks of paranoia and is not logical, but it is how I would feel and I know I wouldn't enjoy the food, the movie, or even just the time.  So I stay home instead and  feel sorry for myself instead of dealing with people feeling sorry for me.  Ironic, huh?

Day 264: 6/1/12 - "11am"

"seven a.m.,
the garbage truck beeps as it backs up
and I start my day thinking about what I've thrown away.
Could I push rewind?
The credits traverse signifying the end but I missed the best part.
Could we please go back to start?

Forgive my indecision..."

-"11am" by Incubus

No Sleep...My smoke alarms started malfunctioning last night right around 11pm.  It happened once, then an hour later, then 5 minutes later, then 10 minutes later.  It tried to go to bed with cotton in my ears and hoped for the best, but I was so tense waiting for the stupid thing to beep that I didn't fall asleep until 3pm.  Then someone's car alarm malfunctioned and started going off at 5am.  I finally made myself get up at 6am since it was pretty much a lost cause.  I was so tired at work today I could barely see straight let alone think straight!  I'm going to have to do some work over the weekend to actually catch up on things. 


Farewell: Today we had a short going away party for a staff member who will be going to another local university.  Though we were there for to say goodbye, I couldn't help but to notice the cake that was catered.  I was surprised by the lack of quality shown in the cake.  It was a marble cake with vanilla icing.  The icing was definitely not fresh buttercream (tasted like it came out of a canister).  The cake was moist though and fairly tasty (if not a little lopsided...though I know how that can happen!).  Even the decorations were basic - not sure what the Libraries paid for the cake, but I suspect they were overcharged...And that's not just the baker in me jealously talking!

Day 263: 5/31/12 - "Heaven Forbid"

"Twenty years it's breaking you down, 

now that you understand there's no one around.
Take a breath, just take a seat, 

you're falling apart and tearing at the seams.

It's on your face, is it on your mind, 

would you care to build a house of your own.
How much longer, how long can you wait, 

It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright..."

-"Heaven Forbid" by the Fray

You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!  I was sitting at home minding my own business when all of a sudden my fire alarms started to blare.  They only beeped 3 times each, but they were loud, annoying, and totally out of the blue.  No, I wasn't cooking anything - the oven hadn't even been on tonight.  No, I wasn't using the microwave.  I have no idea why they started to go off.  I checked outside to see if my neighbors were burning down the complex and there is no smell of smoke, no heat, nothing.  I thought all was good, but then they did it again right at Midnight!  What is this?  Some kind of joke?  Alarms don't get to go off for no reason.  These aren't the kind that I should have to get up and put batteries into because they are wired to work together.  I mess with one and they both go off!  I'll have to check with the complex tomorrow since I don't want to be scared awake by alarms (or have my neighbors yelling at me about it either).  Guess I'll try to go to sleep now...and hope for peace and quiet...