Day 80: 11/30/11 - "Whipping Boy"

"Lay all you want on me

Lay all you want on me

Lay all you want on me

I'll be your whipping boy..."

-"Whipping Boy" by Train

Sick & Tired: To say I'm sick and tired right now is nearly an understatement.  I'll already dreading tomorrow when I will have to force myself to go back to work and try to figure out how to balance a day with no breaks.  I took today off to try to reboot myself - but I think it back fired. After visiting the doctor this morning I've now been scheduled to see 3 more specialist and I'm putting one other on hold until I have some answers.  I'm also now scheduled for two more procedures (minimum) and hopefully an answer that can be treated - that's all I can ask for right now.

Motivation: I've lost all of my motivation again - I hate this seemingly never-ending cycle of slowly building my motivation back up and then having it just disappear again.  How am I supposed to maintain or finish anything?  I've got projects running that I have no hope of finishing and other projects that I have enough sense to not even start.  When did I become such a failure at the things I find fun in life?

Day 79: 11/29/11 - "Perfect"

"Pretty, pretty please

Don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing

You are perfect..."

-"Perfect" by Pink!

Late Night Chat: A colleague and I decided to do late night chat this week to see if we got any night owls.  She had two on the first night.  I've had only one on the 2nd night.  But I consider even these small numbers to be useful.  Not sure if anyone else would agree and I'm definitely tired, but it has been worth it.

Farewell, Junior: My friend's husband sent me a message on FB tonight letting me know that their dog, Junior, had passed away during emergency surgery on the day after Thanksgiving.  I had not called or spoken to my friend in over a year, partly because I've been so sad that I didn't want to bring her down.  But I had to call her tonight and try to at least express my condolences.  It was good to talk to her, though I hated the circumstances.  I'll remember to call her more often - I miss her and her husband - they were very much my family while I was in Raleigh and when I left I lost them just as I lost my other friends.

Day 78: 11/28/11 - "If I Ain't Got You"

"Some people live for the fortune

Some people live just for the fame

Some people live for the power

Some live just to play the game

Some people think that the physical things

Define what is real

But I've been there before

And that life's a bore

Full of the artificial..."

-"If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys

Return of Anger: I thought I had gotten past the angry phases I was in recently but they came back with a vengeance this morning. Maybe it was the long travel.  Maybe it was my frustration with things that happened while I was away.  Or maybe it was just the fact that it was Monday.  All I know is that when I found out that someone hadn't bothered to update their calendar to let me know that they were going to be out today and I went in early for a meeting, I nearly went through the roof!  I can't stand it when people waste my time.  I always feel terrible if I waste someone elses time but it truly pisses me off when someone does it to me and doesn't even bother to apologize.  I luckily didn't bite anyone's head off...but I wanted to!

Pentatonix: I've been so sad as I've watched the end of the Sing Off tonight.  I'm so scared to find out if Pentatonix won or not (I voted for them!), but when you leave it up to voting, you never know what could happen.  Now I'm tearing up as I wait...it's as if I'm waiting for someone I know and care about.  I guess you can get attached to people while watching live television.  I'm glad they get to live their dreams - whether they win or not.  I hope I some day get to live mine as well.  (if you were wondering...they won!)

Day 77: 11/27/11 - "So Far Away"

"This is my life
Its not what it was before

All these feelings I've shared

And these are my dreams

That I'd never lived before..."

- "So Far Away" by Staind

Airport Saga Continues: I should have known when I saw all of the rain falling today in Tennessee that it was going to be an adventure getting home.  I had to leave at 3:30 pm to catch an 8:50 pm flight so that I could stop and pick up my mother on the way.  All was fine until I tried to pull out of her yard and ran the car right into a bog!  I didn't realize how deep the mud was or how mushy the grass and surrounding area had become.  I buried the car and my mom's friend had to call a local friend with a truck to come over and pull us out.  So we spent nearly an hour in the cold and rain and both my father and I got our feet and jeans wet.  Luckily I was able to change when I got to the airport but was a pain in the butt.  Then, to make matters worse, when I arrived at the San Antonio airport I had to figure out where the shuttle to economy parking would pick up.  A bunch of us had to ask an officer to find out and we had to wait outside for nearly 20 minutes.  Then when we got to the lot, they only had one lane open for us to get out of the lot and it took another 20 minutes.  The only perk?  They only charged us $8 per day rather than the $10 we would have paid in long term parking.  Not sure if it was worth it now as I sit here with a sore throat and itchy eyes...

Day 76: 11/26/11 - "If You Don't Know Me By Now"

"If you don't know me by now

You will never never never know me..."

- "If You Don't Know Me By Now" by Simply Red

Family Time: Today was time with most of my family, though my brother was missing in action and Mom had to drive up and then leave early. It was like the old days in some ways but it seemed more fake than usual. My cousins came over and I got to talk genealogy with them. They gave me some good hints into my great grand father and now I can do some more looking - Arkansas may be my next stop.

Home Tomorrow: Funny how I still call it home though it doesn't quite feel that way. When will I find my true home? Where will it be? I went over to my cousin Brenda's house and saw a true home. I hope their kids know how lucky they are.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Day 75: 11/25/11 - "Everybody Hurts"

"When your on your own

And the nights - the nights are yours alone

And you think you've had too much

Of this life - hang on"

-"Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.

The Trouble With...Not being a smoker when everyone else in your family is, is that when you visit for the holidays, you don't have a clean air space to stay. They don't even realize how bad the smoke is even when my eyes are watering, I'm coughing, and my chest is hurting. And I don't want to put anyone out by asking them not to smoke in their own home. But last night was tough.

Brothers: I tell people all the time just how smart and talented my brother is and how lucky I am to have him. I was reminded of that today when I got to spend some time with him, just us. He cut my hair for me, shared his music and even asked me to help him sing one of his songs. I'm sure he'll find someone better eventually but I'm still flattered.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Day 74: 11/24/11 - "Ode to My Family"

"Happiness, was when I was young and we didn't give a damn..."

-"Ode to My Family" by The Cranberries

Airport Woes: I left for the airport 2.5 hours before my plane was scheduled to leave. Imagine my surprise when I arrived there and the long term parking was already closed.  But the San Antonio Airport didn't help the situation by not putting up any signs to divert us before we got stuck in the line for the long term parking.  You had to wait in line, get to a staff person who was blocking the short term lane, get directions and a ticket, turn in your ticket to get out of the parking and then go over to the overflow lot.  Once there we wound up waiting almost 30 minutes for a shuttle bus to come and get us and drop us off at the airport.

Family Matters: It was good to see my family and get to enjoy my Aunt's cooking!  The sad part though was that we were missing some family members who just didn't get to come.  How did I know?  There was food left at the end of the day.  There is never food left at Thanksgiving and this year there was.  It was also the first Thanksgiving without our Uncle Bobby - it just wasn't the same....

Day 73: 11/23/11 - "Leavin'"

"I'm leaving on the next plane
Don't know if I'll be back again"

-"Leavin'" by Mos Def

Home Again: Heading home tomorrow so this will be short. I'm both excited and dreading this visit.On the one hand I miss my family but on the other hand I know it can be tough to be so many places at one time.  I can only hope for the best!

Quiet Days at Work: It was kind of nice at work today - quiet on the day before a holiday. Funny how upset some people got that we closed early - guess our staff aren't supposed to ned time off!

Day 72: 11/22/11 - "Like a Stone"

"And on I read

Until the day was gone

And I sat in regret

Of all the things I've done..."

-"Like a Stone" by Audioslave

Two Days of Hell: I can't believe how hellish the last two days have been, though nothing truly bad has actually happened.  I find it odd that I'm feeling this way when other days have clearly been worse.  I think some of it is resignation and I don't like feeling resigned about anything because it is like being one step from guaranteed failure.  I can only hope that tomorrow will be better as I'll be able to try to play catch up with things.  Let's just hope that I want to continue catching up at all...

Mixed Feelings: I'm feeling very mixed about going home for the holidays.  On one hand I really do miss my family and want to see them.  On the other hand, I just want to be left alone...left to wallow in my misery...or just sit and read...or just sleep...

Changing Things Up: I'm planning a new schedule for myself, hoping to jump start my metabolism and get rid of this extra weight I'm still hanging on to.  I'm not sure how my knees will hold up, so when I go to my doctor next week I'll have to ask her what I can do to naturally take better care of my knees.

Splurge Time: I'm beginning to think it is time for me to splurge on myself a little.  I don't like doing it, but this time I think I have to.  What am I planning on getting?  A new computer!

Day 71: 11/21/11 - "Second Chance"

"Tell my mother, tell my father

I've done the best I can

To make them realize, this is my life

I hope they understand..."

-"Second Chance" by Shinedown

Too Much: There's too much to do...too much to remembers...to much to think about...too much to apologize for...to much time lost that can't be reclaimed.  No wonder I don't know where to begin?  I'll have to try again tomorrow, though I already know that it will likely be a repeat of today.

Home? I head back to Tennessee in two days and I just realized that once again I'm not really going to a home.  I envy my friends who have family homes that they've known all of their lives and that they can return home to when they need to.  I return home only to the people, never sure where I'll lay my head or who will be upset by my choices.  I can only be glad its only for 3 days this time.  Normally that wouldn't be enough but this time around it is necessary.

Day 70: 11/20/11 - "Not Even the Trees"

"You see I'm tired of feeling this pain 

I'm tired of living my own little lie"

-"Not Even the Trees" by Hootie & The Blowfish

Just Not Right: No matter how well one day is, the next is not guaranteed to follow suit.  Today I've struggled with not feeling well from the start, including what I call restless leg, though I don't know if it is the same as the medically diagnosed issue with the same name.  All I do know is that it makes it difficult for me to sleep, and even more difficult for me to get comfortable when I'm sitting, standing, walking...moving in general.  And now I'm also suffering from indigestion, despite the Tums I just took.  The food at restaurants is too rich for me and I ate out tonight.  But I've noticed this happening more and more lately.  I'm worried I'm developing an ulcer.

Finished Blanket...Mostly: I've finished the baby blanket I was working on (mostly).  I now have to edge it and sew the ends in (which is going to take some time.  But overall it looks okay.  I'm not completely happy with the final design since I screwed it up - but no one will notice unless I tell them.  Pictures once it is done.

Day 69: 11/19/11 - "Renaissance Eyes"

"Are you alone

Renaissance eyes

I once had my family stolen from me

Renaissance eyes..."

-"Renaissance Eyes" by Hootie & The Blowfish

Failure Is An Option: Or, at least it has been for me today.  I couldn't finish my run - I had to walk the last 1/2 mile.  I couldn't finish my breakfast, it made me sick to my stomach.  I didn't go to the football game today, even though I had a free ticket.  Why?  I was in too much pain from my failed run and my stomach was upset.  What a waste...

That Doesn't Look Like the Picture: No matter how many ways I twisted and turned things, I could not get the blanket I made look like the picture that they put with the pattern.  I'm not sure what I did wrong but I like the variation that I wound up with.  I have to do the edging and sew the edges in, which can take quite some time, but at least it is done.  I don't think I'll do this pattern again.  The work of sewing it together at the end is just too much, especially with all of the cut ends.

What Gives Me Joy: Not much makes me happy these days, so I'm relishing those things that do.  Right now, The Sing Off is my guilty pleasure.  It makes me smile, makes me want to sing.  I'm cheering for Pentatonix - they are the small but mighty group.  I find them to be so original and creative, enough that I would actually buy a CD by them if they ever got to make one...and people who know me, know that I don't like spending money on anything like that.

And To Make a Bad Day Worse: The Sooners lost...

Day 68: 11/18/11 - "These Days"

"I wake up and tear drops they fall down like rain..."

-"These Days" by Rascal Flatts

To Go or Not: A friend gave me two tickets to the football game tomorrow.  It's UTSA's last one and I'm trying to decide if I want to go.  I originally turned her down because I knew I didn't have anyone to share the other ticket with and I didn't want to waste it, but she insisted that I should take it. I do want to go - it would be nice to see UTSA play a football game in this inaugural season.  But I'm already dreading the thought of trying to get downtown and the cost and the time.  Is it worth it?  Maybe I'll let the weather decide - if it is cold and rainy I'll stay put.  If it is nice, I'll go?

I Asked the Same Question!  I found it funny that someone asked me today why I was the one in charge of a new project. I laughed out loud and tried to explain to her what I felt the reasoning was.  But despite my explanation, we were both left shaking our head because it just didn't make sense.  I'm hoping I'm not the only one who realizes how ridiculous it is.  Don't they realize how much extra work it will take for me to get things together as one of the people least connected to the project?  Guess I'll just add it to the mounting pile of s*it I'm being asked to do.  Here's me, waiting for something to grow...

Day 67: 11/17/11 - "Man in the Box"

"I'm the dog who gets beat

Shove my nose in s*it

Won't you come and save me..."

-"Man in the Box" by Alice in Chairs

Vicarious Pride: Tonight I attend an awards dinner for students who wrote winning essays for their COR 1203 courses.  All instructors submitted their top two essays for consideration, so there were 102 essays submitted for review.  Out of this, there were only 3 winners.  One of the winners this year was my student!  I was so happy for him and very proud of him, but I think what made me the most proud was the way he received the honor.  You could see that he was humbled by it, as if he couldn't believe that he had won second place.  I know his parents are going to be ecstatic about his honor and I wish they could have been there.  I taped it as best I could from my digital camera and I'll make sure he has that to share with his parents.  I hope this launches him into even greater things!

None Done, So Many to Go: I've got so many things going on at once right now, and I'm not sure where to start, let alone sure how to finish!  I had to squeeze in a meeting tomorrow during my lunch hour since I didn't have any other open slots to work with.  I normally work through my lunch, but nothing too intense - it's usually when I clean up my e-mail.  Tomorrow I'll have to see if I can be productive and actually get something coherent put together during an hour long session where I have to try to eat at the same time.

What The ???  I've received two phone calls from staff members recently where I'm not sure why they needed my assistance.  I'm beginning to see that no matter how much training is provided, how much information is offered, there are some staff members who just won't be able to go that next step and extrapolate from previous experiences.  I was talking to my students about multiple-intelligences today and I think this is what I'm seeing as I work with my varied staff and, of course, the varied patrons!

And It Grows: I'm saddened but not surprised to see that more victims of the Sandusky scandal are coming forward.  All it takes is one person strong enough to weather the storm to provide shelter to others too scared to speak up previously.  Of course, now, it looks like Syracuse is going to get caught up in a similar scandal.  I wonder what the connection is to Penn State (in terms of the security that comes from having someone else step up and speak the truth).  Will this one also grow disproportionately based on the distance we get from the original announcement?  You can only hope that one day it will all. end.

Day 66: 11/16/11 - "Sorry"

"This time I think I'm to blame it's harder to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame"

-"Sorry" by Buckcherry

Long Day: Today was one of those days with a lot of questions and no real answers.  Needless to say, I'm still pondering those things and still trying to figure out what I need to do.  I also feel a little bit lost and not sure of myself (this is a bad feeling to have).


Hyperactive: I was a bit hyperactive today.  On one level it was a nice feeling to have, since I've been dragging daily.  On the other level, it is likely medicine induced and can be a bad sign (getting too much hormone).  I'll have to keep an eye on it because it can also lead to heart issues.  I already have a murmur - don't want to do anything to agitate things.

Day 65: 11/15/11 - "Trapped in a Box"

"Oh trapped in a box I'm not alone
I know of others with a box as their home
Light only enters from a crack or a hole
Oh this is not enough for a human to grow
Trapped in a box"

-"Trapped in a Box" by No Doubt

Just Ain't Right:  I can't figure this one out.  It makes absolutely no sense (and apparently comes from a brain fart of momentous size) but we're expected to not only understand it but to agree that it is the "right and best" idea.  And of course, even if we don't agree, it doesn't matter - it's going to happen.  What is the reason behind this?  Why does this make any kind of sense to anyone, let alone to the people in charge?  How come those who are working in the trenches, so to speak, aren't being listened to?  I think I need to write an expose, so I can be interviewed where I'm back-lit to protect my identity.  Let the suckiness begin...oh yeah, already started.

Why I Can't Get a Plant to Grow: I finally figured it out.  Plants won't grow for me because I'm creating a toxic atmosphere for them.  For those who know me, you know that I do have one plant that does grow (Eddie).  But Eddie is named after someone who had a partially toxic personality, so I think he thrives on the bad vibes I give off.  The other poor innocent plants can't survive against the poisons.  Oh well, guess I'll try to keep them alive but I won't feel too bad if they don't make it.  I'm absolving myself of all guilt for having a black thumb (brown isn't harsh enough).

Overwhelmed: I'm definitely at a stage of being overwhelmed right now.  Not sure where to start most days and I just try to get through with things as fast as I can.  Then I go home and work for a few more hours in an attempt to at least stay in visual distance to the goals I need to accomplish.  But I see myself falling farther and farther behind.  I know one day I'll be off of the radar and have no chance of even seeing, let alone touching the items I need to finish.

Day 64: 11/14/11 - "Runaway"

"It's crazy, I know, to count on this road

To give me what I need.

But with every state line

Somehow I find, another part of me..."

-"Runaway" by Love and Theft

Life's Uncertainties: A friend sent me a text today telling me that her brother had passed away.  She had just told me about a month ago that he had cancer, but I didn't realize how serious it was.  I'm sorry that I was not there for her during this tough time, and can only hope that she will recover and survive, while also taking care of her mother who is also battling cancer.  This is the way life is sometimes.  One day you are here, and the next, gone.  I don't want to have my life end and feel the way I do today - there is too much uncertainty in life for me to be wasting my time not doing what I want to do...not being who I want to be.

An Unhappy Raise: I never thought I would see the day where I would get a raise of any kind and not be crowing with happiness.  I know that when I got my raise at NC State I was nearly in tears with gratitude.  But today I simply looked at the letter I received and then put it down and got back to work.  Maybe it is because I somehow feel I don't deserve it?  Or maybe it is like a friend said on FB, that money isn't the most important thing.  I do believe that you can't throw money at your problems (not unless it is a huge amount!) and expect them to just go away.  And I know for a fact that the problems I have right now won't respond to any amount of money.  I can only hope that I will see the value of the raise one day and appreciate it.  I'm not crazy enough to give it back (as if!) but I can honestly say that I'm not really thinking about it.

Dancing in Circles: I had a new symptom tonight - I got dizzy, truly dizzy and all I did was try to walk in a straight line.  It was disconcerting to lose my balance that way and I can only hope that it was due to fatigue or how quickly I turned around (I've done it before).  I'll add it to the other random symptoms that I seem to be accumulating these days.

Day 63: 11/13/11 - "Here Comes Goodbye"

"Here comes goodbye,

Here comes the last time

Here comes the start of every sleepless night

The first of every tear I'm gonna cry

Here comes the pain..."

-"Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts

Scary Movies: I don't usually watch scary movies (by scary I mean horror films.  I don't mind suspenseful films though), but today I decided to watch The Mist because I'm a Stephen King fan.  I should have known right away that it was a bad idea and I'm likely destined to have horrible dreams tonight because of the scary scenes in the movie.  But I do want to point out that the ending was not a surprise to me.  I won't spoil it for anyone who has not seen it.  But I will say that the cover of the DVD claiming that it was "one of the most shocking movie endings ever!" needs to go back to the drawing board.  The Sixth Sense had a shocking ending - this one was exactly what I expected.

Speaking of Dreams: I had an odd one last night.  I was a cop (yeah, right) and I was back in T-Town where I was supposed to be arresting my best friend from high school (the one I haven't seen in almost 15 years now).  The reunion part of the dream was great - I do miss my friend and it would be great to see them again.  But then, I decided to try to hid him from the cops (not my style), and for some reason they were willing to trust me with some cockeyed plan of escape.  Here is my suggestion to anyone who ever finds themselves in a similar situation.  Even if you are innocent (in my dream they were), you still have to go through the process and you have to trust the process.  I do find that hard to say, especially after finishing reading Zeitoun, but it is still a necessary part of life in America.

What Have You Done For Me Lately?  Absolutely nothing.  I got nothing accomplished today and I find myself feeling more and more guilty about my inability to be productive.  I don't feel right.  I find myself struggling to breath sometimes (it's all in my head), and then I find myself so tired I just want to lay down and sleep.  And then there are the headaches that seem to ebb and flow with the passing hours.  Add that to the temperature fluctuations (one minute I'm cold, the next I'm sweating), and you've got a recipe for disaster.


Speaking of Recipes....Cinnamon Rolls: I decided I wanted to make cinnamon rolls today and though they aren't the best thing I've ever baked, I at least feel good about the fact that they rose (I used yeast).  Usually when I bake with yeast, it's a crap shoot - I never know if the dough will rise or not. Today it rose both times.  The only problem with the final product was that they were too bland.  They definitely needed more sugar (and I could definitely throw some icing on them) but overall they weren't bad.

Day 62: 11-12-11 - "Wake Up"

"There's no sentimental value to the roast that fell on your floor.

There's no fundamental excuse for the granted I'm taken for..."

-"Wake Up" by Alanis Morissette

Recovery: Traveling always takes something out of me lately and I need time to recoup my energy and get my strength back.  But for some reason this last trip to Atlanta really did a number on me.  I'm struggling to concentrate today and with the lack of concentration comes listlessness.  I don't want to do anything, nothing appeals to me, and curling up into a ball sounds good right about now (though not productive).  I made it through my work e-mail but found myself alternately rubbing my head to ward off the headache that seemed to want to form, and frowning in anger at what I was reading.  E-mail should not have the power to elicit such anger out of me, but I find I'm losing my patience with the actions of others, especially when those actions are unnecessary and designed to be harmful.

Crossroads: I'm at one right now and struggling to figure out which direction I want to go in.  Each choice will have heavy ramifications, for me and for my family...

Day 61: 11/11/11 - "Home"

"Maybe surrounded by

A million people I

Still feel all alone

I just wanna go home"

-"Home" by Blake Shelton

Presentation: I did a presentation today on the "The Customization of Services for Millennium Generation Students" with my colleague at the Access Services Conference in Georgia.  I felt the presentation went well, though it was not my best.  I had trouble getting into it, though I got compliments from people on how well it went and my poise.  Though I did feel like a fish out of water at this conference, since it is not my area of expertise, I do feel that I learned a lot and that the conference itself was well done.  They even fed us lunch at the end before we headed out.  I went ahead and went to the airport early with my colleague and wound up being there for nearly 6 hours.  At least I got a lot of knitting done...

Plane Conversations: I was reminded today of how nice it is to find someone you can just easily speak with and that you have some things in common with.  Too bad he was also happily married with children (story of my life).  You figure out pretty quickly, like I did, not to even expect to find anything else out there - it doesn't exist for some of us.  What did we talk about it?  Strangely enough, everything from flossing and the importance of taking care of your teeth, to dressing and cranberry sauce (jellied!) during Thanksgiving.  As I said, good conversations.

Ignoring Somethings Can be Detrimental to Your Health: But I'm ignoring my e-mail right now.  I don't want to answer it - I won't answer it - and I won't feel guilty about it.  I might feel differently tomorrow, but today, I'm tired and I'm going to bed.  And those who thought it was okay to send out e-mails on my behalf without checking with me first or even cc'ing me, will have me to deal with at the beginning of next week.  Beware, the *itch is back in town.

Day 60: 11-10-11 - "Cold"

"What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am.
I never meant to be so cold..."

-"Cold" by Crossfade

I'll let the song speak for me today. - feel cold...
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Day 59: 11/9/11 - "In Your Eyes"

"love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are"

- "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel

Stranger in a Strange Land: I'm in Atlanta for the Access Services Conference and I went to the "reception" that they had tonight.  This is the first time since my very first conference that I can remember being in a room with other librarians and not knowing another single soul.  I didn't stay at the reception, I didn't feel welcome there.  I trudged back to my hotel in the rain and decided to do some work until my ever-present headache intensified to the point of blinding pain.  So now I'm typing my post as quickly as I can so that I can get off of this computer and rest.  No chance that I'll be going to very many of the sessions they offer - I don't see anything that would truly interest me.

Alone...Such a small word that carries so much weight in my heart and mind right now.  I'm feeling it even more now that I'm out of Texas and reminded that no matter where I go, I am still alone.

Set Up to Fail:  If you don't know what this feels like, congratulations to you.  It's a horrible feeling knowing that you are being set up to fail and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it except hope that you can surprise them and actually do what they think you can't.  That's what I'm trying to do right now - wish me luck.

Day 58: 11/8/11 - "Sweet Surrender"

"It doesn’t mean much
It doesn’t mean anything at all
The life I’ve left behind me
Is a cold room
I’ve crossed the last line
From where I can’t return
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me"

"Sweet Surrender" by Sarah McLachlan 

Tomorrow I Go...I'm off to Atlanta tomorrow for a conference and I find myself tired just thinking about it.  What is this feeling that makes me want to just crawl into bed, curl into a ball, and sleep?  What is this type of tiredness that makes you feel as if no matter how much sleep you get, you still need more?  Why do I wake up feeling wearier and wearier each day?

Are You Serious?  I thought the situation at Penn State was bad enough, but now it is getting worse.  Has anyone else noticed that once a scandal breaks, it tends to build and grow as time passes?  When they first broke the Tiger Woods scandal, there was one woman, then two, all the way up to fourteen by the time they were done.  The recent Herman Cain controversy started with one woman, then two, and now there are four.  At Penn State there were eight victims and now nine.  I suspect there are many more who will never step forward.  And then I watched a special on the new NBC show "Rock Center" about forced sterilization in the US, especially in North Carolina, and I realize that it can always be worse...

Who Am I?  I find myself asking myself that question each day when I wake up and look in the mirror.  Who am I?  Who do I want to be?  Where am I going?  Where do I need to be?  I don't have any answers right now.  I have to wait until tomorrow and hope that I will wake up with a clear answer.  Is there a clear answer?

Day 57: 11/7/11 - "Whatever"

"I'm doing the best I ever did

I'm doing the best that I can

I'm doing the best I ever did

Now go away..."

-"Whatever" by Godsmack

Racism, Sexism, Librarianship, and the American Presidency: I know, strange entry but this was the topic of conversation during an impromptu meeting in my office today when two of my colleagues dropped in on me.  It was very enlightening and an engaging discussion.  I won't go into the gory details (when talking about the presidential race, it can only be called gory these days), but suffice it to say that I'm not the only one concerned about the state of affairs in my field and in this country.  It's hard for me to sometimes understand why there is still so much misunderstanding in the world...until I realized that the conversation we had today would be beneficial if the whole world could talk as openly and freely.  But we all know that there is no way that will happen.  I'm worried about the direction this country is heading...not because of who is currently in office, but because of who might wind up in office if the negative trend towards the current president and his party continues.

Not Ready: I'm leaving for a conference on Wednesday and I haven't even begun to think about what I'll take with me.  I need to check the weather in Atlanta to see what I need to pack and decide how I will dress.  I guess I should be more worried about the conference itself and my presentation but I'm truly not concerned about it.  I might even say, I don't care one way or the other.

That's a Hat?  What do you do when you try to make a hat and it doesn't come out right?  You turn it in to a candy bowl and fill it with good stuff.  I know what you are thinking - bad idea having that much candy on hand.  But I find that I have no trouble limiting myself to only one a day when they are at home.  It's when it is at work that I tend to gorge myself on the candy that is set in front of me.  This way I don't eat it nearly as much.

Penn State Scandal: I'm saddened and sickened by the scandal at Penn State.  The willingness of others to overlook the deviance of someone else, even when the evidence is staring them right in the face, is astounding.  People prefer to turn their heads and pretend not to see.  And the others, the brave ones who speak up, get ignored, or mistreated. I think we have it backwards, people.  Don't punish those who are trying to find for the rights of innocents.  Punish the abusers.  I'll keep fervently hoping for that, even as I watch other stories pop up on the news with similar plot lines.

Day 56: 11/6/11 - "The Earth Stopped Cold at Dawn"

"Another reason to doubt me

Another tear drop falls..."

- "The Earth Stopped Cold at Dawn" by Hootie & The Blowfish 

Past Acts of Kindness: Today I found myself thinking of times in the past when people were nice to me for no reason...or at least for no reason that I could see.  I don't mean things like, holding open doors or simply saying hello.  I mean things that were really unexpected or meant to make me feel better when it wasn't there responsibility to do so.  Here are those memories:

• Square Dancing - 7th Grade (I think): BB picked me to be his partner when I wasn't the last girl to be picked.  We had randomly been paired the year before (I felt bad for him because I know no one wanted to be my partner).  The next year when it was time to do the stupid square dancing, BB picked me right away.  I remember thinking how nice he was to do that (he was always nice to me and I remember him fondly from high school - unlike a few others that I have tried to forget).
• Lunch - 12th Grade: This was the one that I tell others about even to this day because it just shows how mean others can be...and how a few brave souls avoid falling into that trap.  It was lunch time and because of testing schedules, I was eating lunch at an earlier time than normal.  This meant that the friends I usually ate with were eating at a different time and I didn't have anyone to eat lunch with.  I didn't think anything about it and remember just grabbing an empty seat in the cafeteria after I bought my lunch.  About five minutes later two of my friends, MH and MS, popped up and asked to sit with me.  Of course I said yes, it was always good to see both of them and we usually had a good time when we got to sit and talk.  About three minutes after they sat down, K, a girl that I had never had a problem with and one who had always been nice to me, walked up to the table and gave me a funny look.  Then she ignored me and told MH and MS that they could come join her at her table, there was room for them.  I looked over at her table of "popular" kids, mostly girls, and figured that MH and MS would jump at the chance to sit there.  But both of them very politely said "no thanks" and that they were fine where they were.  K didn't seem to believe them but walked away anyway.  As soon as she was gone I glanced at both MH and MS and told them that they could go sit at that table if they wanted to - I didn't mind.  MS shook his head and said that they were fine where they were, and MH nodded in agreement and kept right on eating.  I remember feeling almost normal that day, for one of the few times in my life.  The cool kids chose to sit with me and even after I told them they could move, they stayed.
• Spring Dance - 8th Grade: I went to the dance event though I really didn't want to.  And sure enough I found myself sitting in the bleachers alone, watching everyone else dance, and feeling sorry for myself.  Then MK and his date JF, approached me and MK asked me if I wanted to dance.  I looked at him as if he had lost his mind, especially since JF was his date and girlfriend at the time, but they had talked and both agreed that MK could dance with me.  I turned him down, partially due to embarrassment but also because he was there with his girlfriend and should dance with her, not someone he felt sorry for.  And though I was initially upset by the offer, I now look back on it fondly as the effort of two people to try to do something nice for me (though I definitely didn't need the pity party).

These are all from my childhood and I find that I am unable to come up with any examples from recent history - though I'm sure there have been some. I wonder why I don't seem to notice them as much.  Or maybe its because I feel as if the acts are done with some ulterior motive in mind.  I know I have an ulterior motive in mind whenever I do something nice for someone else.  I won't say what that motive is, since I don't think others would understand, but its there none the less.

Cleaning Day: Nursing a huge headache and feeling sorry for myself, I decided to clean my apartment today.  It was such a mess and though not perfect now, it definitely looks better.  Of course, I still have a headache and now I also have a bad case of the sniffles.  I suspect my sinuses are not happy right now.

Day 55: 11/5/11 - "Make Yourself"

"If you let them make you, they'll make you paper mache

At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes

Then you crumble and blow away..."

- "Make Yourself" by Incubus

Pain!  I finished my run today.  Though they seem to be getting more painful as I go along, I know that if I don't get back to running regularly, there is no chance I'll lose the 25 pounds I've gained over the last year.  Today I didn't have my legs while I was running.  I knew it as soon as I set out, not even 1/4 mile into the run and my legs were aching and felt like jello.  I also realized that I felt slower (though a check of the clock told me that I had finished in a similar time as last week).  About twenty feet from the turn around point my left knee started hurting.  Feels like the knee cap is being hit with every stride.  I suspect that it is just arthritis beneath the knee cap (similar to what they cleaned up on my right knee while they were fixing my menisci).  Both my knees and my left hip and my legs are hurting mercilessly.  I want to take one of my anti-inflammatory pills but I'm not sure how it will interact with my thyroid medication.  I'll have to wait until I can get back to the doctor to find out.

No Dreams? I know that I must be dreaming when I sleep but for once I'm not remembering my dreams at all.  I don't know if this is good or bad, since I often have nightmares that I wish I could forget or dreams that are so beautiful and so close to what I want, that I find myself saddened when I wake up and realize that it was just a dream.  I guess you can't have it both ways - either you dream and get used to the idea of remembering them and deal with the bad ones.  Or you don't remember your dreams and you don't worry about it.

New Symptoms: So my newest symptoms are both odd and slightly alarming.  First, I've noticed that my eyes are bothering me more than usual.  I'll have to get that checked out soon so that I don't wind up with some sort of permanent damage.  The odd symptom has been a chance in my taste buds.  Things that used to take fine to me tend to taste sour.  I'm leaning towards preferring bland foods (not something I would normally say) and my sweet tooth is turning into a savory tooth as I crave salty things over sweet things.  Not sure if this is truly related to the medicine or if I'm just being quirky...

Day 54: 11/4/11 - "Fallen"

"Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so..."

- "Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan

Tired: I'm tired of it all right now.  Tired of thinking too hard.  Tired of failing.  Tired of not being good enough.  I wonder if this type of "tired" is worse for my health than physically being tired?  Do they manifest in the same way?  I know this type of tired won't respond to sleep like my physical fatigue. I even suspect that it will only get worse.

Dreams: One of my staff members asked me today why I had given up on my dreams and I could only give her half of the truth.  The whole truth was too hard, too embarrassing for me to admit to her or to anyone else in public.  What is the truth?  I'm not smart enough to make my dreams come true successfully.  I'm scared of the failure I know I would be.  The part I could tell her?  That I did not want to be selfish and hurt my family by going after my dreams.  They think I'm successful - I don't want them to know just how wrong they are.

Day 53: 11/3/11 - "Missing"

"Back on the train

I ask why did I come again

Can I confess?

I've been hangin' 'round your old address

And the years have proved

To offer nothin' since you moved

You're long gone

But I can't move on"

-"Missing" by Everything But the Girl

Insomnia is Back: My pendulum of sleep has swung back to "cannot go to sleep or stay asleep" levels.  Of course this means I'm still tired all day and even more so now that I'm not getting as much sleep as before.  What do you do when you have high levels of fatigue but cannot sleep?  What's the right solution?

Old Friends: I got to speak to an old friend tonight.  It was good to hear her voice and good to talk to her.  It also reminded me that I miss my friends from Tennessee and North Carolina.  I'm continuing to reevaluate what is most important for me now and I'm struggling to come to a conclusion.  What if I make the wrong choice again? Will I be the only one who pays for my inability to make sound decisions or will I wind up hurting others like I've done in the past?  Am I to blame for all that has gone wrong?

Day 52: 11/2/11 - "Me"

"I am carrying my voice

I am carrying my heart

I am carrying my rhythm

I am carrying my prayers

And it's me who is my enemy

Me who beats me up

Me who makes the monsters

Me who strips my confidence

And it's me who's too weak

And it's me who's too shy

To ask for the thing I love

And it's me who's too weak

And it's me who's too shy

To ask for the thing I love...

I am walking on the bridge

I am over the water and I'm scared as hell

But I know there's something better

Yes, I know, yes, I know, yes, I know....

...But it's me..." 

Did I take your favorite toy when I was young?  I mean really, what did I do to make the Universe be so pissed off at me?  Did someone paint a "kick me" sign on my aura and then send out the hounds?  There is no way I can succeed with the roadblocks being placed in front of me.  So I guess I'm going to have to divert my path and head in another direction.  Because something tells me that if I try to go through the roadblock something is going to get broken, and that something is me. 

Two Down...Two squares to go on my first baby afghan of what I'm calling "baby season 2011-12."  It's kind of nice to be able to see how the squares are going to fit together and I'm feeling more confidant that I'll be able to finish the afghan before the end of next week (which would be a miracle!).

Genealogy: I'm still plugging away with the Franklin County marriage book - I'm making some real dents in getting maiden names for a lot of the younger women in 1900.  This is such a powerful thing for those doing research and trying to make connections.  It's funny how I'm finding it exciting to find information on someone else's family.  Of course I want to see information on my family, but the research is important to me as well.

Day 51: 11/1/11 - "Shattered"

"In a way I need a change from this burnout scene

Another time, another town, another everything..."

- "Shattered by O.A.R.

I Feel Heavier...As if some great weight, something even heavier than all of the mess I'm already carrying, was just thrown across my shoulders.  This weight is new and I can't seem to put my finger on it, but it feels almost real with its mass, bearing down on me, making my back and legs hurt; making my neck strain as I try to remember to straighten up; making my head hurt; and making anything I do seem to be the toughest thing I've ever had to do.

What Would You Change?  Talk about a loaded question.  I posted on FB that I wanted to start my life over (knowing what I already know now), and one of my friends asked me what I would change.  There is no way I'm posting that on FB because the list would be too long and also too personal.  But I'll post parts of it here so that I can at least get some of this off of my chest:

• I would avoid the abuse that I suffered for so many years.  No one should have to endure that and though I survived, it is a set of memories that I could live without.
• I would have never put chemicals in my hair (sounds simplistic, but you have to understand the cost - mental, physical, monetary - that goes along with putting chemicals in your hair.
• I would have played more sports and taken up tennis at an earlier age.
• I would have insisted that I be taken to the doctor for my continuous medical issues instead of suffering from them for so many years.
• I would have gone to a different college - I loved OU but it was not where I needed to be.

That's the short list and the only one I'm willing to print.  Yes, if I could start over with the knowledge I have now, I would...