Day 50: 10/31/11 - "Red Light"

"At a red light in the sunshine

On a Sunday

Nothin' to say

Don't even try

Some are comin' home

Some are leavin' town

While my world's crashin' down

On a Sunday

In the sunshine

At a red light"

- "Red Light" by David Nail

I've Lost My Mind...I'm starting to find myself snapping at people and smarting off (sort of) when I feel like I'm being insulted by someone.  The sarcasm practically rolls off of me in waves, as does my impatience.  Today I tried to hold my tongue as someone talked down to me as if I wasn't smart enough to do my job or even understand something basic.  Like I had not just done this twice just a few months ago.  Give me some credit for being able to not only do my job but also to remember how I did it in the first place!  I don't need you or anyone else to belittle me that way.

Irony, Coincidence, Happenstance?  Sometimes things happen and I find them strange, but lately I've started to wonder if there is something else going on that I should pay attention to.  For starters, why is it that often when I glance at the clock, whether on my computer, my phone, the wall, or my bedside, I notice that the time is 9:12.  For those who don't know, this is my birthday.  Then, on Saturday while I was running, "Wasted" by Carrie Underwood came on my iPod and right as she said, "one tear hit the hardwood, it fell like broken glass," I looked down and saw shattered clear glass on the sidewalk.  Okay, so there is a lot of broken glass out on the streets and sidewalks - the odds of my seeing broken glass were pretty good.  I kept running and on the way back (3.2 miles into my run) I was listening to "Smack That" by Akon and right as he says "Lamborghini Gallardo," what do I see, but a white Lamborghini.  Now, broken glass is definitely more than common down here in Texas, but not Lamborghinis!  I know, it doesn't mean anything, but wow is it interesting!

Health: I'm still not feeling well despite my best efforts.  I'm grouchy most days (this is putting it mildly) and downright bitchy most days (I don't know if it is the frustration, the sadness, or the depression that is manifesting as anger...or maybe all 3).  Today I went through and processed all of my bills and of course I received another blow when I saw just how broke I was.  Will this be the way life is every day for me forever now?  Will I continue to struggle to even make ends meet for the rest of my life?  When will I get something for me?

Day 49: 10/30/11 - "Smile"

"At worst I feel bad for a while,

But then I just smile, I go ahead and smile..."

- "Smile" by Lily Allen

Greenfields: Today, in my effort to save on gas (I don't get paid until Tuesday and I'm trying to hold out on the filling up the tank ordeal until then), I decided to walk up to Greenfields Market to get some avocados (on sale for 3/$1).  The weather was nice but I overdressed (it was cooler yesterday).  It took me 1 hour and 43 minutes to walk 5.15 miles, including stopping at HEB on the way back to get a newspaper and waiting on the lights in order to cross the road safely.  I doubt I'll do it every weekend (my knee hurts worse after today than yesterday), but it looks like a pretty good means of getting exercise.

Southwest Contest: So I am playing around with the Southwest contest to win a major amount of travel points.  They asked me to upload a video saying why I should be the winner and though I don't have a true video camera, I discovered that my little digital camera will record video and does it pretty well!  I doubt I'll win (though, wouldn't it be nice to be able to go anywhere I wanted to - especially to see my family, without worrying about the cost?), but I at least have to try.  I guess I still have those big dreams of one day being famous and being on TV.  Maybe people would like me then...

What Am I Missing?  I keep having the sensation that I'm missing something.  Not like a tangible thing but something else.  Like everyone else knows something that I don't, and because I don't know it, I'm missing out.  What is this secret thing that I can't quite describe and how do I get in "the know" about it?

Day 48: 10/29/11 - "Wish You Were Here"

"The world's a roller coaster

And I am not strapped in..."

- "Wish You Were Here" by Incubus

5.5 Miles: That's how far I ran today...outside...for the first time in months.  I'm hoping it was because my medicine is finally kicking in and giving me back some of my energy.  It could also be because the weather was so much cooler I could actually run without sweating so much that I lost all of my nutrients.  I can never replace them fast enough, especially when I'm running outside.  I actually ran the entire time as well and didn't have to walk at all.  So I'm feeling a little more accomplished than before.  My time wasn't great and I know I likely was only running about 4.5 mph (I used to average 5.5 or higher), but I need to remind myself that I accomplished something today and I should be proud.  My poor knee isn't too happy about it though.  I didn't have any trouble while I was running but it is store and stiff now, so I'll have to give it some TLC.

Genealogy Research: I started doing my genealogy research again today.  It's been a while since I worked on the project and it felt good to get back to the "finding" part of things.  I have the Franklin County Marriage's 1884-1903 book right now and I'm checking it with my 1910 census records.  I hope to check it with a few other times too but that will have to wait to see if I can actually get through 1900 before I have to return the book to the library that it was borrowed from.  I also split time with knitting today, though I know I need to be writing.  I just don't have the motivation right now.  Speaking of motivation...

Motivation: I have none when it comes to work.  I don't understand why even thinking about my job makes me want to curl into a ball and sob.  Not a good feeling to have at all.  I remember the drive I had when I first started.  Is it just the fact that my hormones are out of whack right now?  Or is it something else?  Am I blinding myself to some important truth while I try to find a way to encourage myself to keep working?  Who is this person who feels like a complete waste of space?

Day 47: 10/28/11 - "Emotions"

"In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotions taking me over

Caught up in sorrow 

Lost in the song"

- "Emotions" by Destiny's Child

One Down...I finished one of the four squares for the baby blanket so I'm feeling pretty good about getting it finished in the next couple of weeks.  I'm not sure how the whole thing is going to fit together even though the instructions seem straight forward.  It also looks like I did a nice job of estimating the amount of yarn so I shouldn't run out.  I'm also thinking about this method as a way of creating other items, larger blankets, etc.  Maybe I'll create something for myself one day?

Wardrobe Malfunction: Today was one of those days where I put on my clothes this morning and I didn't feel bad about the way I looked.  Of course, this means that there was something wrong with what I was wearing.  One of my staff members was nice enough to inform me that I had a hole in the back of my pants.  And it wasn't just a small hole. So not only am I going to have to trash my favorite pair of jeans (the ones that still fit!), I was also showing my underwear to anyone who was walking behind me!  I had to wear a sweater around my waist for the rest of the day (how embarrassing)...

Language Skills: I'm starting to worry that there is something wrong with me.  Lately, when I speak, I find myself having trouble locating the word I want to use or not putting words in the proper order.  And some times I just start making things up, like today.  I meant to ask someone if they had seen one of my colleagues recently.  But for some reason I couldn't think of the word "recently" so I asked them if they had seen her "soon ago." Though we all got a laugh out of it, I don't like the fact that I put together words to create something that I should have been able to simply say.  I'll have to keep an eye on this as I go along...

Day 46: 10/27/11 - "I Dare You to Move"

"I dare you to move

I dare you to move

I dare you to life yourself up off the floor

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

Like today never happened before"

- "I Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot

Sneak Peak: I'm making headway into my next knitting project.  Here is a sneak peak at the baby blanket I'm making for a friend who is due soon!  I hope I can finish it and get it to her before the baby arrives, but if not, I'm sure she will still find much use for it even after the baby is born.  This is also a good way to time how long it takes for me to make this particular blanket since I'm planning to make it at least 1 more time for another friend who is due in late November.  Too many babies, too little time!

Surprise Text Present: My brother sent me a picture through text today and at first I almost didn't look at it.  Sometimes he sends me silly things (not that I don't need a laugh) and I wasn't in the mood for it today.  But I decided to look and it was a picture of my youngest nephew!  I haven't seen him in 2 years since Christmas and I've been wondering how he was and what he looked like now.  My brother took a picture of him while he was sleeping (so angelic!) and sent it to my mom and me.  He says that he is back in Decherd so I hope it means he'll get to see him more.  I keep telling my brother that it is never too late.

World Series: So I'm watching what I hope will be the last game of this year's World Series.  Texas is up by 3 in the 7th inning and though nothing is ever written in stone, this team just seems like it is right on target to take it all.  I'm glad since I've become attached to them.  I guess it's okay to have an American League team since the odds of them playing my Cubs is slim to none.

Day 45: 10/26/11 - "Quasimodo"

"you can be right
and I'll be real
honesty won't be a pain that you'll have to feel
cause I don't need your approval
to find my worth
I'm trapped inside of my own mind
afraid to open my eyes cause of what I'd find and I
don't want to live like this anymore

there goes my pain
there goes my chains
did you see them falling
because this feeling
that has no meaning

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
there it goes

does it scare you that I can
be something different than you
would it make you feel more comfortable if I wasn't
you can't control me
and you can't take away from me who I am

there goes my pain
there goes my chains
did you see them falling
because this feeling
that has no meaning

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
you can't change me
you can't break me

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back

have you ever felt
like your only comfort was your cage
you're not alone
I've felt the same as you
have you ever felt
like your secrets give you away
you're not alone
I've been there too
cause everyone is looking
and everyone is laughing but I think
everyone feels the same
everybody wants to feel ok
everybody wants to
everybody wants to feel

there goes my pain
there goes my chains
did you see them falling
because this feeling
that has no meaning

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
cause I don't want it
I don't want it
you can't change me
you can't break me

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
there it goes"

- "Quasimodo" by Lifehouse

Quasimodo: I rarely list the lyrics to a full song, because normally it is only a line or two that catches my ear, grabs my attention, and makes me nod and say "yes, that is me today."  But when "Quasimodo" came on my iPod this morning, I nearly tripped on the treadmill as I was reminded of why I like the song to begin with...and why it truly speaks to me, of me, about me.  Read the lyrics closely and then think about the title of the song - then you'll get it.

Adding Another One to the List: I have a short (but getting longer) list of holidays that I absolutely loathe!  At the top of my list?  Valentine's Day.  Never liked it, likely never will.  Christmas is a close second, mostly because of how commercialized it has become.  No one even remembers what it should be about any more.  And now I'm adding Halloween.  When did it become about debauchery?  What's up with the skimpy outfits for teens and pre-teens?  And the cost of costumes and candy?  Halloween is supposed to be for kids and I'm beginning to think that there are too many adults taking this holiday over.  Maybe I'm just jealous because I had to stop trick or treating when I was nine because of my height.

So Shaky: I think its the new medicine but I've been so shaky (internally) these last few days.  It feels like I have shock waves pulsing through my legs and arms and I just know that my heart is going to start beating right out of my chest.  Luckily no one else can see the trembling (yet) and my heart isn't actually racing so I know its all in my head.  Now I just need to get it out of my head!

Day 44: 10/25/11 - "Want To"

"We could keep things just the same

Leave here the way we came..."

- "Want To" by Sugarland

Piling On: That's what it feels like right now, like everything is just piling on.  Here I am trying to feel better and trying to pick up my spirits, despite the sadness lingering over my life.  And then I get another announcement from a friend about their impending happiness, or someone posts new pictures and I'm ten steps back from where I was.  The tears come much quicker now than ever before.  I've already cried twice today and I know I'll cry myself to sleep tonight.  Sometimes you just know these things.

Baked Goods: My students made cupcakes and brought in pumpkin pie today for their class presentations!  I was surprised that they followed through (well, the pie group.  My cupcake group likes to bake!).  I tried a piece of the pumpkin pie (did not like it and won't eat it again!), but I couldn't finish it.  The cupcakes were tasty though and my students used the recipe I use for their buttercream.  It came out nice (and they colored it).  Sorry, no pictures for this one, I didn't have my camera.

Balancing My Life:  I read the chapter that my students have to read for class on Thursday and it made me laugh because it reminded me that I needed to learn how to balance my own life.  How can I talk to my students about balancing when I have none of my own?  I need to find time for myself somewhere in my life.  Even if I have to start doing things on my own, at least I need to start doing them.

Day 43: 10/24/11 - "A Little Bit Stronger"

"Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain

But I brushed my teeth anyway

I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face

I got a little bit stronger"

- "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans

Racism and Sexism - What Next?  I've been watching a lot of tv lately (you know me, I love my tv).  And I've started to notice incidents of racism and sexism that in some cases are blatantly obvious and in other cases, I'm just now starting to notice.  Take Dr. Pepper Ten for instance.  I love my Dr. Pepper and I do drink diet rather than regular (because I want to avoid the additional sugar), but I'm not necessarily excited about the taste of diet drinks any more than the next person.  It's one thing to market your drink to men only (there are plenty of products marketed to women only...though some of them make more sense than others).  But to blatantly use stereotypes that are simply not true to advertise your drink to men is insulting, IMHO.  I like action movies (they are my favorite type).  I watch football and baseball (and not because of the way the players look in their uniforms). And I'm sure I do and say other things that are not "lady-like".  Does this mean I wouldn't like Dr. Pepper 10?  And what about Direct TV's commercials to advertise their NFL services?  Why is Deion only talking to men except the one lady who is the stereotypical blonde southern bell?  And as for the racism - I'll admit, it's a strong word, but I'm thinking in particular of the shows "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette."  Have either of these shows had a lead character of color?  What, they haven't been able to find a beautiful or handsome, successful and worthy person of color to star on the show?  I don't actually watch either one, but now I'm wondering if they've even had suitors of color on the show?  I'm guessing that they've had a few - but what chance did any of them really have?  

Plagiarism: Today I had to check all of my students' essays for plagiarism after I found that one of my students had plagiarized.  Officially I could almost call a few more of them out, but I only had one that was of the egregious type (blatantly copying and pasting from online resources).  The others didn't offer proper citation though I can tell they paraphrased (or they hired a great person to write their essay, which would be awful considering the low stakes of this class).  I guess I'm just disappointed in the effort (or lack thereof) that most of them put forth.  I don't remember not wanting to do my best no matter what I was doing.  Even now when I'm tired and beaten down, I still get upset if my knitting doesn't look as good as I think it should - I want to do my best at it.  What do you say to these students who just don't care?

Missing my Trombone: One of my high school friends posted that she was missing playing the piccolo and it made me think about my trombone.  It's been years since I played and I sold my trombone many years ago, but now I'm starting to think about it more and more.  Could I have been a better player if I had tried a little harder?  How would my life have been different if I had played through high school and into college?  I know it is too late to think about "what ifs" but I'm really starting to look at episodes in my life and wonder what I could have done differently and whether it would have made things easier or harder for me now.  What a waste of time...

Day 42: 10/23/11 - "Wasted"

"I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting
To wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by wasted"

 - "Wasted" by Carrie Underwood

Grading: Today was catch up on my grading day and needless to say, after 3 hours I was ready to pull my hair out!  There is no way I can continue to grade papers of this caliber without feeling like I should just give up and give them passing grades just to get away from them!  Okay, so that might be a little extreme, but I'm truly worried about the lack of writing of skills I see from these students.  I don't think its just my class either - I think it's the majority of students who hit our campus.  Makes me wonder what has truly become of our educational system.  Is this really the fault of technology along with all of the other changes that have come about in our world?

Candy for the Students: Today I spent my "Kawanna-money" on candy for the students.  What's "Kawanna-money" you ask?  It's money that I would normally spend on something for myself, like a dinner out, or even a movie.  But I haven't felt like I've deserved any treats lately, so today I went off and spent that money on the good candy (you know, Reese's, Hershey's, Butterfingers, etc.).  I'll take it in tomorrow and watch it fly out of the bowls.

Day 41: 10/22/11 - "Something's Always Wrong"

"Another day of putting things aside

As if we'll come back to them sometime"

- "Something's Always Wrong" by Toad the Wet Sprocket

Knitting Projects: I finally finished the scarf that matches the hat for my friend in Nashville.  I'll have to steam the scarf to get it to uncurl but other than that, it is ready to go.  I even started on the first of 4 baby blankets that I hope to make over the next few months.  Unfortunately, knitting is no longer relaxing me as I find myself again being angry with myself for not being able to knit faster, knit better, and finish projects as I should.  I know that knitting is not my career and won't be my livelihood in any way, but I can't help but feel as if I'm again failing at something.

Selfishness: I had one of those experiences today where I was contacted by someone who wanted something from me.  This person had not bothered to check on me after my surgery via FB, text, phone, e-mail - nothing.  But as soon as they wanted something, they text me and ask for a favor that in the long run involves money.  It made me angry because I keep hoping this person will learn to be more compassionate and more human as they get older, but I see them getting more and more self-centered.  It scares me because I realize that this is part of what this whole current generation is like.  I'm surrounded by selfish people and selfishness and it makes it even harder than normal for me to make up for my own selfishness.

Sports: I hate it when I'm already feeling down and the teams I want to win in a sporting event, all lose.  This just makes me so much sadder than I was before and even though I know it is irrational, I still can't help having a real reaction to something that impacts the lives of others.  I also left my tennis match today feeling disgusted in myself for not playing better.  I miss the confident player I used to be, the one who didn't worry if her knee would hold her, or if her ankle would support her quick movements.  Will I ever be that person again?

Pretty Pancakes: I decided that I finally needed to add a new picture to my site - it has been rather plain as of late.  I'll eventually put a picture of some knitting up, but just to hold things over, here is a picture of the stack of pancakes I made for brunch today.

These are whole-wheat with strawberries on top - no berries inside.  Basic recipe for those interested follows:

Pancakes

1/2 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
2 tsp baking powder
2 tsp sugar
2 tbsp unsweetened applesauce
1 egg
3/4 - 1 cup of skim milk

Combine all of the ingredients.  Add the milk as you mix so that you can make sure that the batter is at the right consistency (not too thick but also not too thin).

Day 40: 10/21/11 - "I Am"

"I never had a day where money didn't get in my way"

- "I Am" by Train

Book Sale - Day 5: Today was the final day of the book sale (yay!).  Unofficially, we raised over $1800.  I have to now pack up all of the books and take the rest to Half Price Books to sell to them.  Doubt we'll get very much but at least we'll get rid of the rest of them...but not sure how I'm going to get them all there on my own - I'll have to try to find some help.

60 Hour Work Weeks: I decided to calculate how many hours I actually spent working this week and it all came up to 60.  I couldn't believe it myself.  I've had some long weeks but I don't think I've ever hit 60 hours before.  50, yes.  Easily.  But not 60.  The sad part about it all was that I felt as if this was my most unproductive week ever.  I hope that doesn't continue as I move forward but so far nothing is changing for the better.

Grow Some!  Today one of my co-workers came up to me to let me know that a library patron had told her that he thought I was "beautiful."  I should be flattered but it actually pisses me off!  Why tell her?  Why not tell me?  Am I that intimidating?  What's the worst that could happen?  I tell him that I don't date students, or I tell him I'm not interested, or I tell him thank you and that I appreciate the compliment?  I'm tired of men too scared to say hello to a woman - if you think someone is beautiful - just tell them!  I actually find it creepier that you tell someone who is a stranger to you!!!

Day 39: 10/20/11 - "I Need a Doctor"

"I'm about to lose my mind

You've been gone for so long

I'm running out of time

I need a doctor, call me doctor

I need doctor, doctor,

To bring me back to life..."

- "I Need a Doctor" by Eminem

Book Sale - Day 4: So today we did only a small amount of business, but that is to be expected as the sale winds down.  Tomorrow, we slash prices (1/2 off!) and also we will do the "All you can fit in a reusable shopping bag for $2.00."  Of course, they have to have their own shopping bag - we aren't giving those away!  I think we will have so pew people who are able to do this, but the 1/2 price should lure a few in.  If we keep going at the current pace, we might make $1700.  I also got a lecture today on how we should not allow someone who sells books online to come and buy things at our sale (as if I could stop them!), and since we likely cannot do that, we should price our textbooks higher than the other books and even offer a pre-sale to certain people who'd be willing to give us more money (since it is for charity and they can write it off).  Do I need to say that I was not in the mood for the lecture and I was proud of myself for not yelling?

Spirit Day: Today was spirit day, in support of the It Get's Better Project.  If you had purple, you were supposed to wear it today (and I think many people were but others just happened to be wearing the color). I didn't have anything purple to wear but I did take my purple scarf I'm knitting for a friend.  Funny that today was also the day that I walked past a student using the "f" word as if it were a normal part of polite conversation (which to him it may be).  I had to keep myself from yelling at him about using the word - if it had been one of my students there would have been serious hell to pay.  Instead, I just had to keep walking and showed my disgust with a look...not good enough, I know...

Double Up: Today was the first day of doubling up on my medication and so far, no difference (which is actually good because I was worried that I would immediately swing too far in the other direction.  Luckily, that did not happen and I'll take 2 more tomorrow.  Fingers crossed that I start to feel better and don't get an over-dose of the stuff.

Day 38: 10/19/11 - "I Try"

"Games, changes and fears,

When will they go from here?

When will they stop?"

- "I Try" by Macy Gray

Hypothyroidism: Before my surgery, I had a slight case of hypothyroidism, based on my symptoms, but not based on my blood work.  Today I went back in for my 6 week check up and was told that I was severely hypothyroidic (is that a word)?  Let's just say that my doctor told me to double my dosage over the next 4 days because my levels were so low.  The only good news is that I haven't lost my mind.  I thought all of these strange symptoms were just me not doing well in general.  I'm hoping that once I get myself to a normal level I will start to feel more human.  Right now I'm always on edge and depending on the provocation, I either want to yell at someone or cry...tonight it is cry.  How embarrassing is that?  To be having a normal conversation with someone about something that is pretty innocuous, and all of a sudden I'm sniveling because I'm fighting the urge to cry.  Hell, I'm fighting the urge to cry right now!

Book Sale - Day 3: I found out that we out-sold last year's book sale after only the 2nd day.  Now I have a new goal for the sale - I'd love to be able to donate $2,000 to charity for this sale.  I think it would be a great showing for us and really help uplift the spirits of many involved in the campaign.  Who knows, it might lift my spirits as well.

Born in the Wrong Time: I used to say that I thought I was born in the wrong time.  I have the type of mentality that I always thought would be better appreciated in years past.  But a friend just reminded me of something that I don't think about.  If I had been born in a different time, in the past, I would not have made it past my 27th birthday.  Why?  Gall bladder disease, for one.  It would have killed me when it flared up 8 years ago.  Even if I had survived that, what about the thyroid issue?  And add in the fact that I have an astigmatism and I would have been running around the world unable to see two feet in front of my face.  Guess I need to start being grateful I was born when I was.

Writing Buddy: A friend of mine suggested that we try to support each other as writing buddies.  I hope it will be enough to get me moving on finishing some of my work.  I really need to complete at least one of my stories.  I know that they won't sell, but I have to finish something.  I can't go through life failing at everything I try...

Day 37: 10/18/11 - "Big Girls Don't Cry"

"...But I've got to get a move on with my life.

It's time to be a big girl now

And big girls don't cry..."

- Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

Anything More than 10 Hours is Too Much: I wound up working a 13 hour day today.  My feet, back, and head are all telling me to never, ever do it again.  But my brain knows that it will happen again and probably within the next week or so.  We just don't have the coverage we need to cover people being off due to illness (their own or a family members).  My colleague covered last night, so I covered tonight.  But there is just no way to easily get through such long shifts when you have no warning.  If I had known how long of a day I would have, I would have chosen to dress differently (shoes are important); I would have packed both a lunch and a dinner (eating out costs me extra money I don't have).  And I would have planned other parts of my day to allow me to get more breaks or get meals so that I wouldn't starve throughout the day.  Needless to say that none of that happened because everything was done on the fly.  I got through it but it was painful at the end.

Book Sale - Day 2: So I found out that we cleared more than $800 at the book sale on the first day.  Apparently we only made $1200 the entire sale last week.  Today was much quieter, so I don't expect that we made as much money, but we likely broke last year's amount and it was only day 2!  We even sold the entire Encyclopedia Britannica to someone for only $30!  Now I just have 3 days left to get through (help!) and we may have more books being delivered tomorrow from our Downtown Campus (if they can get their act together - I refused to go pick them up, I don't have the time).

What I Miss the Most: The one good thing about tonight was that I got to be on the desk for a few hours in a row and this brought back such good memories.  I had forgotten how satisfying it is to help a number of students with such varied needs. Whether it is the person on chat who needs to find archives of magazines (what a struggle - our access was not great, but by the time we were done, they had a good start), the student trying to get the cloud application to work (we got it figured out without OIT's help!), or the student who needs to find The Breakfast Club DVD so that they can watch it (nostalgia for a great movie!).  I did not have one time tonight where I felt I failed a student.  It's rare for me to have a day with a sense of success...

Carson Palmer: I have to comment on this because I kept saying it would eventually happen - I just didn't know it would take an injury to Jason Campbell to facilitate it.  Carson Palmer said at the end of last year that he would not play again for the Bengals (yes, some could say he was sulking, pouting, or just downright being a big baby) and he stuck to his guns.  The Bengals said they wouldn't trade him (Really?  Why keep someone who doesn't want to be there?).  It looked like a stalemate with Palmer retired but boom!  Campbell gets hurt and Palmer is now wearing the silver and black.  I wish him luck.

Day 36: 10/17/11 - "Bodies"

"Beaten what for

Can't take much more..."

- "Bodies" by Drowning Pool

Book Sale, Day 1: Today was the first day of the SECC book sale and overall it was a success.  The toughest part was the beginning as I realized I was trying to get everything set up and in place by myself.  When I looked up and it was 10 minutes til 9:00 am, but the books had not started to show up, I nearly went into a panic.  It took up 20 minutes to get all of the books out in the Sombrilla.  Once we did that, things really sped up.  The biggest sale of the day was $140.  The woman gave us more than that since it was for charity. She's likely planning to resell the items and will probably be able to get 10 times what she paid.

We have over 3,000 books and more came in today (some departments were running late in delivering or calling for a pick up).  We'll see if they sell or not.  I've also had someone express interest in buying whatever we have left - so I might not have to pack them all up and haul them over to Half Price Books.  I have to check in tomorrow with the assistant who did the counting and see how we did today.

The worst part about today was the fact that people standing above us on the 2nd level of the Sombrilla were smoking and then dropping their cigarette butts over the railing...right into where we were sitting!  I was so pissed I wanted to storm up there and throw something at them.  Then I noticed that even when they got rid of their butts properly, they were flicking their ashes and those kept filtering down on us as well.  I think we might need to start asking the University to crack down on this.

My favorite line of the day: "The book sale week was definitely a lost week for me last year."  This was said by the person who was in charge of it last year (and this does not bode well for me!

Fatigue: Countdown to the doctor is not two days.  I'm hoping he will have some answers for me, especially with this fatigue that is putting me on my butt pretty much all day.  I had two times today where I had to exert myself - I wound up recovering much slower the 2nd time.  Add to that the fact that I got in today at 8:15 am and didn't get off until 7:30 pm and you could say I was downright exhausted.

Another long day planned for tomorrow so I'd better go to bed early tonight...just hoping I can stay asleep!

Day 35: 10/16/11 - "These Words"

"These words are my own
From my heart flown
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There's no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you..."


- "These Words" by Natasha Bedingfield


For Charity: In today's paper was the 2011 Charity Ball Association insert.  You'd think I couldn't find anything offensive about this but something struck me as odd last year and again this year when I looked at the pictures.  on every page I see well-dressed, well-to-do people showing off their clothes, their cars, their houses, their businesses, etc.  Sometimes there are children pictured with these people. What caught my attention was the fact that if the children belonged to the people in the pictures, they are listed by their first names.  If the children are coming from one of the charities, they are not named. My first thought was that this was done as a way to protect the children, but if that were the case, then why print the names of the other children?  The only two "less-fortunate" children who are named are two of the higher profile cases that also received newspaper coverage.  No need to worry about the privacy of the child then, right?  I hope that these pictures make these people feel good about themselves, and I hope they truly have given to these children.  But why not give them the dignity of printing their names?  Why make them nearly interchangeable with one another?  They are more than just "children from (insert charity)."  They belong to someone and they have names - next time use them.

Carob Banana Cake with Low Fat Cream Cheese Icing: I decided to use up my brown bananas and threw them into the carob cake I was making.  Then I remembered that I had some cream cheese that I needed to use, so I tried to whip up a batch of cream cheese icing.  Not the best texture that I've ever seen but it tastes pretty good.

I'm learning that carob, though very similar to cocoa, has a very distinct taste and flavor, so even though the initial look and smell of a carob cake screams "chocolate," the taste says something else.  I put bananas in this cake as well, so that impacted the flavor somewhat.  I think this cake would work better with a peanut butter frosting of some type, to help counter-balance the carob.  The cream cheese frosting is a bit too sweet (at least the way I made it) to truly work with this cake.

Here's the recipe for the cake:

1 1/2 cups sugar
3/4 cup carob powder
1 3/4 cups flour
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
1 cup milk
2 ripe bananas
1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce
1/2 cup boiling water

There is no finesse to mixing this one together.  I throw all of the dry ingredients into the mixer and combine them on low.  I add in the eggs, vanilla, apple sauce, and bananas and beat to combine  I add in the milk and mix on low.  Then I add in the 1/2 cup of boiled water.  Pour the batter (it will be thin) into a prepared pan and bake at 350 degrees for 25 to 30 minutes.  Remove and allow to cool before icing.

The icing is just 8 oz of cream cheese, 1/4 cup of unsalted butter - softened, 1 cup of powdered sugar, and 1/2 tsp vanilla.  Beat the cream cheese and the butter together until combined and fluffy.  Add in the vanilla and the powdered sugar and beat until light and fluffy.  If you use a fat-free cream cheese, as I did, don't expect a thick icing.  The fat-free cream cheese will create a thinner icing.

Another Wasted Day: I had every intention of getting some things accomplished today, both work-related and personal.  And instead, I wound of wasting my time trying to figure out things that can't be figured out.  I then spent the rest of the day in the kitchen making my meals for the week (ones that I likely won't want within the next day or two - this has been my current MO).  Then I start to feel completely useless and think about all the things that I've done wrong and the things I could do better, but even this is not enough to motivate me to do anything.  I think the word I'm looking for is listless.

Day 34: 10/15/11 - "Billionaire"

"I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad

Buy all of the things I never had"

- "Billionaire" by Travie McCoy

Match.com: I mentioned previously that I let my subscription to Match expire a week ago after an unsuccessful year of searching.  But though my subscription was canceled, I still had an account.  Today I received a message from Match that I had received a wink, a like, and two messages.  I didn't go to look right away - why bother?  But I finally got around to it tonight and what do I find out?  Match won't let you see messages sent to you if you aren't currently subscribed.  This didn't surprise me too much, but what did surprise me (and piss me off) was that they wouldn't even let me SEE who had sent me the message.  Don't they think that I might be interested enough to subscribe again if I at least can see the person who took the time to contact me?  Instead, I went through and canceled my account completely - I have finally had it with these online dating companies, who claim they want to help you be successful but all they really care about is taking your money.  And I'm tired of these people who are on these sites looking for anything but a real person.  time to face to truth - I'm not going to find "the one" online because there is no "one."  Can't find what doesn't exist.

5k: I finally made it through another 5k today - it's been a while.  I may not ever be able to run outside again and I'll likely never be part of a race again, but at least I actually jogged/ran the entire thing.  39 minutes was a sucky time, though.  I need to get that back down to at least 34 minutes if I can.  I'd love to get back down to 31 minutes, which is my race low, but I don't see how I could possibly shave 8 minutes off of my time.

Back to the Doctor: I have my check in with the endocrinologist on Wednesday.  I've been actually looking forward to this for a month now due to the bad symptoms I've been dealing with.  Too bad I have to refill my prescription tomorrow when he might wind up changing it in 3 days.  After I finish with him I'm going to have to schedule an appointment to see a dermatologist and then a cardiologist.  Not sure where I'm going to get the time or money for either but II can't keep putting these things off.  I need to try to take care of myself, even if I don't have the motivation to do so.

For Your Viewing Pleasure: I rarely re-post videos, and I've never posted one in my blog, but I got a kick out of this one.  This is the Ohio University marching band doing LMFAO's Party Rock Anthem and doing it well!  As a former band geek, I'm proud to say that these guys and gals have skills!

Day 33: 10/14/11 - "Fields of Gold"

"I never made promises lightly

And there have been some that I've broken..."

- "Fields of Gold" by Eva Cassidy

Lost Time: Tonight I was hit by this overwhelming feeling that I'm losing time.  Not just the usual feeling of time passing quickly, but the sickening sensation that time is slipping away.  Stemming the tide of panic when this sensation hits is very difficult for me as I move quickly from this sensation to near-panic.  My heart-rate immediately jumps, tears fill my eyes, and I start gasping for air.  Luckily I'm still able to bring myself back to normal by simply telling myself to stop it - but what happens when simple words no longer work?

Toilet Paper Rolls: I know, this is a strange thing to be writing about, but I was not a happy camper when I went to change the empty toilet paper roll last night.  I immediately noticed that the new roll (which was from a new pack of Angel Soft toilet paper) was quite a bit shorter than the empty one I was removing.  I decided to measure and sure enough, it is nearly 1/2" shorter.  I calculated what this would mean in a whole pack and it means that I'm actually getting 1-1/2 fewer rolls of toilet paper.  I could easily tell when the ice cream companies started decreasing their packages, and I've seen it in other areas as well, but in my toilet paper? Really?  I'm completely disgusted by this, by the way...

Flossing Twice Daily Won't Keep the Dentist Away: At least, not permanently, but today I had a pretty good dental visit for my 6 month cleaning.  Only a few areas to watch and no major issues.  Now I get to wait for another 6 months to see if I can avoid the drill and costs of major dental work.  I did get a lecture on how to properly floss.  Who knew that you could floss twice a day and actually be doing it wrong?  I'll try out the new techniques suggested by the hygienist and see if they help...only 6 months to see what the impact is.

Book Sale of Death: Okay, so it's not that bad, but I swear I can't wait for this book sale to get started.  On Monday I'll have to go in early (and work late) so that I can finish everything.  I hope that it goes well - we got over 3,000 books donated!  It is an amazing site and we are selling them cheaply, so hopefully we will make some cash this year to donate.  But all I can really think about is how I can't wait for it to be over!

Day 32: 10/13/11 - "Someone Like You"

"I heard that you settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true."

-"Someone Like You" by Adele

Stress: Today we had a guest speaker from counseling services come speak to my class.  It was a bit surreal, because as she was speaking to the students, she might as well had been telling them about how I was feeling right then.  She asked them what happened when they got stressed and most of the "symptoms" were physical.  She eventually read off the list of all of the things that could happen and I could have been putting check marks next to every last bit of it.  Not that I didn't know I was stressed - don't get me wrong.  Unlike my students, some of who believe that they don't get stressed, I know what stress feels like.  I know what it is like to deal with both internal and external stress. And I know what it feels like when your internal stress begins to ruin your life (kind of like it is now).  Then she started talking about what they could do to combat their stress issues.  I knew the answers but I realized that I'm not doing any of them right now.  The real question is "why not?"  Taking time for myself, doing what I want to do, relaxing, exercising, etc.  All of these things can help.  Hell, even knitting and baking, my usual stand-by stress relievers, could have helped.  But I've hit the point where even these things don't appeal to me.  So what do you do when there is nothing you want to do?

Book Sale: One more day of picking up books and then the book sale can get going on Monday as planned.  I can honestly say that I'm not feeling guilty about not having the money to donate this year.  I've spent more time, energy and gas (not the mention the miles on my car) on this book sale that I think I've given in the only way I can.  Besides, I have issues with the idea of my place of employment pressuring me to donate money to worthy causes.  Who's to say that I'm not already doing that?  How do they know that I don't give money to different charities every month?  Why do they have the right to say that we are going to run this campaign in October and we want 100% participation?  They won't get 100% this year and I'll be one of the reasons for it.  Should I feel guilty?  Right now, I think I have a sliver of guilt left in me.  I'm sure it will be gone soon enough - my of my emotions seem to ebb and flow these days, why not guilt?

Schedules: Wednesday threw me completely off schedule, with my having to be downtown by 8am.  I didn't make it to the gym and then this morning I was so tired I could barely get out of bed.  I'm heading off to bed soon and have to get up at a normal time tomorrow - but I worry I won't have the energy or motivation to make it to the gym.  If I were seeing progress with weight loss I think it would be easier.  The other issue is the continuous pain I'm dealing with in my left hip and my left ankle.  I thought that the two days "off" would help but today I continued to limp around.  It might be time to reconsider the visit to the ankle specialist as soon as I can afford it.

Day 31: 10/12/11 - "Let Her Cry"

"Let her cry

If the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing

If it eases all her pain

Let her go

Let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow

Let her be..."

-"Let Her Cry" by Hootie and the Blowfish

Jury Duty: Today is my first ever day at jury duty.  Needless to say I'm only 1 hour in and it is already an adventure.  I'll try to blog throughout the day as long as my battery holds out.  fingers crossed that they will release us early!

What? No ID check?  I expected them to check my ID as soon as I got to the Central Jury room, but so far they haven't bothered to verify that I am the person who actually received the summons.  I'm guessing that if I get selected for a jury panel they will check it then.

Humor in the Jury Room? The judge came to talk to us first and to swear us in under oath.  Then Millie, who has been here for 29 years, came to speak to us.  She repeated much of what the judge said but also informed us about things like downtown parking woes, and where we can wander off to without being out of range of the loudspeakers (that they have also installed in the bathrooms because apparently people used to try to hide in there).  I appreciated the humor but could have done without the long lines at the women's restroom (same old, same old).

Pre-Lunch Panel Calls: We had 3 but I was not called for any of them.  The first one came around 10:15 am and was for a panel of 40.  The 2nd and 3rd ones came at 11:20 am and were for 30 and 64 respectively.  They finally released us for lunch at 11:45 am and gave us off until 1:30 pm.  I plan to finish reading my book and playing on my phone during this time.  The Central Jury room tends to be cold enough to not really allow me to want to do much else.

Walking Lunch: I decided to eat my lunch on the run today because I had the brilliant idea that I could swing by the Institute of Texan Culture and pick up their book sale books in the nearly 2 hour lunch break they gave us.  Along the way I saw someones bloody cotton ball from where their had an arm injection (gross!) and a diaper that someone had failed to toss in the garbage can a mere 2 feet away (double gross).  To add insult to injury, I lost my cushy parking spot and didn't get to the Institute because the directions I had were wrong.  I wound up circling downtown and having to come back to the Downtown campus the long way.  I wound up parking the car in the staff lot and giving up the hopes of killing two birds with one stone.  Now I just have to hope I get out of here in time to actually get the books today - I don't want to make another trip down here tomorrow!  The only fun thing about the walk back? I saw Barbie and her pink corvette.  Okay, so it wasn't really Barbie but the color of that car and her blonde hair pretty much screamed "I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie world.  Life in plastic...it's fantastic...."

Back to the Jury Room: Both my cell phone and my computer were on low battery, so I went in search of a plug and wound up having to sit on the dusty floor because the more comfortable spots were all taken.  I've never been more aware of my age than I am after trying to get up from the floor!  Everything hurt!  Add insult to injury?  My cell phone never fully charged and it died about two hours later when I actually needed it.  Though they told us to come back by 1:30, there was no action until around 2:15 pm when they called a panel of 30 (though I swear the lady who was calling out names and numbers missed 12 and 19).  About 40 minutes later Millie was back with the two helpers and we got the news that they were releasing all of us.  Turns out that there were two cases that had been pending that would have been 4-week trials, but both were settled out of court.  Not that I would have been selected, but a 4 week trial is down right scary!  They called us up to get our certificates showing that we had participated and sent us on our way.  Apparently I'm done for the next 3 years...and I earned $6.

Book Sale Book Pick Ups: With jury duty over I was able to actually accomplish my book pick ups, but I keep forgetting the stupid dolly that would make my life so much easier.  i managed to get the books at the downtown campus without too much trouble but the ITC was a little dicier- finding the place and finding out that someone else had come to pick up two boxes of books (and never told me!).  Luckily there was on crate left and I collected it.  Tomorrow I have to get UH and West Campus and then we have work to do in terms of sorting the books.  Tomorrow is going to be a long day!

Final Thoughts on Jury Duty:  I must say that the process for jury duty isn't all bad but it definitely isn't all good either.  I understand why they have to do it the way they do, but wow, what a waste of time for many of us.  Yes, I got to read but I could have been doing some of my work items and catching up rather than losing one more day.  I actually dropped off the books and then stayed at work for another hour because of traffic on 1604...yikes!

Day 30: 10/11/11 - "Soul Rock"

"You are my soul rock when the tide is up

And the waves are crashing in on me

Soul rock when I've had enough

Of the wreck of everything"

-"Soul Rock" by Ferras

Name Tag: It's funny the things you notice at odd times. I put my name tag on today and realized that I had forgotten that my title had changed, so my name tag is incorrect.  Since they are cheap I've requested a new one be ordered for me, but then I remembered that my business cards are also now all incorrect.  Though not overly expensive, I hate the idea of throwing out a 1/2 box of business cards (though I also hate the idea of giving out incorrect ones and having to explain things).  What a waste...

Visiting the Vampires: Today was my blood draw day so that when I go back to the doctor next Wednesday they will hopefully have my results and know if my thyroid hormone levels are within normal range.  I also get to talk to the doctor about all of the other odd symptoms I'm having.  Hopefully this visit will yield the help that I need right now to try to get back to normal. I don't like this Kawanna very much at all, and I had enough trouble liking the other Kawanna.  Other than getting stuck in traffic due to construction, the blood draw was actually rather painless.  The technician did a really nice job and had me in and out of there in less than 3 minutes.  Too bad my doctor's visit will likely take 3 hours - I plan to take my knitting with me.

Speaking of Knitting...I have jury duty tomorrow and they don't allow knitting needles in the court room.  How heart breaking!  I'm planning to take my students' papers so that I can work on some grading, and I have a couple of books that I will try to read.  I wonder if they allow sleeping in the court room?  Sleeping I could definitely do!

Bothersome Book Sale: This book sale is driving me crazy!  I'm on book pick up duty tomorrow (if I get off of jury duty in time).  If I don't get them tomorrow I'll have to make another trip downtown on Thursday just to pick them up.  So far I've been told there are over 6 boxes waiting for me.  Not sure how I'm going to get all of those books into my car and then into the library, but I'll figure it out tomorrow.  Hopefully the temperature will stay Texas-mild and I won't be too uncomfortable as I try to shift and move heavy boxes.  I really can't wait for this book sale to be over and it hasn't even begun yet!

Listless: This is the best word to describe my students today.  Not sure what was going on with them, maybe it was the after-Midterm blues, but they just weren't "there" today.  I was frustrated with them and ready to call it a day myself.  Found out from one of my colleagues that his class was about the same.  Maybe something in the air on campus?  I hope it clears up before Thursday - I don't want to go through another class session like that again!

Day 29: 10/10/11 - "Girl Next Door"

"I don't know why I'm feeling sorry for myself

I spend all my time wishing that I was someone else..."

-"Girl Next Door" by Saving Jane

Time Zones: I just realized last night that my blog has been on Pacific Standard Time (not sure how that happened) but it explains why some of my midnight posts that I thought would bleed over to the next day, actually wound up being published on the day I had hoped they would be published.  Now that I've fixed it I'll have to remember to stop procrastinating with my publishing.  I can't believe it has been almost a month since I started this year long blogging adventure.  I'm proud of myself so far for being able to maintain it.

Rainy Days: We haven't had many rainy days lately in Texas, so I must say that the last couple of days were actually nice.  Though it was the weekend, so not exactly the best days to have nothing but clouds, rain, and storms.  But beggars (and we are definitely begging) can't be choosers.  I could have also done without the thunderstorm that rolled through early Sunday morning and scared the crap out of me.  I didn't know San Antonio could get that much thunder and lightning.  They say that we won't get any rain for the next week but the temperatures have dropped, so I'll take this all to mean that fall has finally come to Texas, only a couple of weeks later than most of the country.

Posting Late: Last night I was so tired I did not even finish this post - but I think because I started it yesterday it will still show up on the correct day.  The funny part about it is that I actually woke up around 1am this morning and realized that I had forgotten...and it bothered me. If I'm letting something as simple as forgetting to post to my blog get to me, what in the world am I going to do when something worse happens?  I'll have to ponder that later.  But for now I just wanted to finish this post and move on to the next one.  One day at a time.

Day 28: 10/9/11 - "Precious Pain"

"Everybody's got a hunger

No matter where they are.

Everybody clings to their own fear

Everybody hides some scar..."

-"Precious Pain" by Melissa Etheridge

Creatively Lacking in Creativity: So here I will post my efforts at being creative in the last week or so.  Most people will likely agree when I say that these efforts are fairly anemic.  I'm not sure where to place the blame for this.  Is it more of the medicine keeping me from being creativity?  Or have I simply lost the spark?

Clothing Design:  When I was in high school I actually spent part of one semester drawing either prom dresses or wedding dresses for my classmates.  I was either a Freshman or a Sophomore because I remember still being in band.  I wish now that I had kept them all because I'd like to see whether I had an eye for design or not.  The point of that little trip down memory lane is that the other night I had one of those overly detailed dreams where I was working in a night club (yeah, right!) and I was wearing this great outfit (not one I would be able to wear in real life).  The outfit was so real to me that I had to draw it when I woke up.  I only wish I knew how to sew because I would love to make it for someone.

Of course, once I drew this outfit, I had the urge to draw the wedding dress that I created for a character in one of my books (you know, one of those things I'll never finish).  The dress is actually designed to be made from 3 pieces of cloth and 2 decorative clasps, but realistically it could be created as a one piece dress.

Not that I'll ever need a wedding dress, but again, I'd love to make this some day.  The bottom layer is actually designed to be sheer.  The other two pieces provide the coverage needed to make the dress-wearer stay decent.  The bottom piece covers your butt in the back and the clasp and gathering of the fabric in the front cover the rest.  The top part is a mirror image but in the opposite direction, also creating the train of the dress.

I think someone would have to be daring to wear this dress in the first place but if they had the right body, they could likely pull it off!


Baking: I finally decided to give my S'mores cupcake a shot.  I can say that it did not turn out as expected but I actually like my first try at combining the graham crackers and the chocolate cake.  I tried 3 different variations:

1. I lined only the bottom and about 1/4 inch up the sides of a ramekin with graham cracker mix.
2. I lined the bottom and sides of a ramekin with graham cracker mix.
3. I placed some of the graham cracker mixture in the bottom of a cupcake liner.

partial graham cracker layer

I poured the chocolate cake mix into all 3 and put them in the oven.  They took a little longer to bake up but they were super moist and the bottom graham layer actually stayed soft in the ramekin versions.  I don't know yet about the cupcake liner versions. 

full graham cracker cup for cupcake

I tried the one on the left and found them to be tasty even without the marshmallow icing that I was supposed to make.  I'll have to wait to do that next time since I want to work on the graham cracker crust a bit more.  I can't wait to try the full graham crack crust version as I think it will be the most interesting one to eat.

Hair Twisting:  I actually took the time to twist my hair up today.  I wasn't going to but with the rain this morning and my desire to wash my hair, I went ahead and took care of it.  Not sure about how it looks but it feels great!  It's been a while sense I've felt good about my hair and I need that right about now.

Day 27: 10/8/11 - "Only Love"

"Who built the ball that is this Earth

Gave me life.

Water for my thirst.."

-"Only Love" by the Counting Crows

Loneliness: Today was another one of those days where I woke up blanketed in the loneliness that has become my life.  I knew it as I dreamed and I felt it as I tried to force myself to get out of bed to go to the fitness center.  I struggled even with that because one thing I've learned is, that if the body is not willing, the mind needs to be.  But if the mind is not willing, the body definitely isn't going to be.  I made it there and managed to do 60 minutes of cardio...though I don't know why I bother any more.

No Match: Yesterday was the final day of my free subscription on Match.com.  I officially tried for a year and had absolutely no success.  I knew those last 17 days weren't going to be any different, but since they were free I figured it couldn't hurt.  Instead of match.com they should call themselves, anyone but me, because that was precisely what the men on there were looking for...anyone but me.

Red River Rivalry: The one good thing out of today was that the Sooners beat the stuffing out of Texas!  I was very surprised that Texas absolutely did not show up for this game.  The Sooners were dominant on both offense and defense and it was good to see.  Now I just hope they can maintain things as they go along.  Now I'm watching the Rangers to see if they can take game 1 of the of the ALCS. 

Knitting: I finally picked up my knitting again and managed to do about 10 rows.  It's been tough going for me these last few weeks as I have been unable to find the motivation to work on my knitting.  Hopefully I will finish the scarf soon since I also need to work on the 3 baby blankets that I've promised people.  Hard to believe so much time has passed.

It's time to admit that I'm lost....Who will find me?

Day 26: 10/7/11 - "Moves Like Jagger"

"Just shoot for the stars
If it feels right"

- "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5

Cake View: Though I posted a picture of the chocolate cake when it was complete, I also wanted to post a picture of it sliced, so that I could show another dimension to the cake.  I've decided to forgo the lemon cake for another week because I want to make my s'mores cake using the chocolate cake recipe that I have that I know works and something new with a marshmallow icing that I'll need to practice making.  The lemon cake will have to go for the following week.

Picking Up the Pieces: I made a statement this morning on FB that I should stop reading my e-mails first thing in the morning.  Today was one of those days where reading my e-mail gave me an immediate headache and heartburn (yes, both things!).  Add to this what I call a blindside phone call where I get lectured for something I did not do (and would not do) and I was ready to throw in the towel before the day had even begun.  Sometimes I think that the O.A.R. song "Shattered" should just be my theme song for the rest of the year, because that's how I feel most days.  So tired and not able to fight back - defeated.

The Mystery of the Missing FedEx/USPS Box: So I ordered yarn to make some baby blankets (should keep me busy for the rest of the month if I can find the time and energy to get started!) and it was due to arrive on the 5th. On the 6th I realized that I had come home and not seen a note saying my box had been delivered to the office.  I check online and sure enough the box was "delivered to recipient" on the 5th.  But since I'm the recipient and I did not have the box, I was left wondering who the hell had my yarn!  I stopped at the office this morning just to check, and sure enough it was there.  One of the office staff stated that she had seen them deliver it - which was all well and good, but it would have been nice to actually have gotten notification that it had arrived.Guess I'd better get a move on with the knitting.

Midterms - Continued: I'm hoping that I can sleep tonight after all of the midterm angst that I've been dealing with for the last two days.  The sad part about it is, that I'm not even the one who had to take the test or worry about my grade.  I find myself stressing out for my students and worrying about the ones who are struggling.  I don't know how to help them when they don't want to help themselves.  I'll find out next week if I've lost a couple of my students - I don't know how to feel about that.

Day 25: 10/6/11 - "Not Gon' Cry"

"Well I'm not gon cry,
I'm not gon cry,
I'm not gon shed no tears
No, I'm not gon cry,
it's not the time
cuz you're not worth my tears"

-"Not Gon' Cry" by Mary J. Blige

Midterm: So today my students had their midterm and I must say they truly did come into the class looking nervous (most of them) and based on the grading, I can say that some of them had reason to be worried.  It was difficult for me to grade because I want them to do well and I hurt for them when they struggle.  But the other part of me knows how easy I made the midterm and the students who did well, did so because they did the reading and work for the class.  So, no matter how bad I feel for the students who did not do well, I cannot feel too bad because obviously the test was manageable.  This will truly be a lesson for some of them on what they should have already been doing and what they will now need to do in order to get back on track.

10 Hour Days at Work, 4 More Hours at Home: That's been my schedule for the last week and now I realize why I'm so tired!  14 hour work days are not good for anyone, especially someone who is still recovering from major surgery!  Not that i can fix it or anything - that's the way it will be until I catch up or give up. Wonder which one will come first.

The Yankees Lose! Most people know that I'm not a Yankees fan, so watching them lose should make my day.  But truthfully, I'm just not that excited right now.  Kind of scary since I love sports so much.  I'm not even fussing about the whole TCU to the Big 12 discussion...might be good for us.  And what about Tiger's return (not that I care...but that's the point, I usually would care).  Please don't let me be losing something else I used to enjoy.  Things are tough enough as is - don't take away my leisure.

Day 24: 10/5/11 - "Grenade"

"Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did"

-"Grenade" by Bruno Mars

Play...Repeat...Play...Repeat: I feel like most days are on a loop for me and not always a good loop.  It's like I'm going into a situation and I know exactly what is going to happen but I can only hope that it won't.  I think "maybe this time will be different."   But how many times have I said this just to watch the same thing happen again...and again....and again. 

The Chocolate Cake...was a hit!  The recipe is a keeper so I'll likely use it as a fall back any time I need to make a quick and easy chocolate cake.  Now I need to branch out and try some more flavors.  Lemon is on the top of my list, followed by an Oreo cake.  I guess I'm just still hoping that I'll one day be able to do this baking thing for a living (though I know in my heart that its not meant to be).  I wrote previously that I didn't have any dreams left, and for the most part I find it to be true.  But I think I'm clinging to this one because it will be the easiest one to let go when I realize it can never come true. The others are all harder.

Tomorrow: No, not the song.  I'm just thinking about all of the things I need to do tomorrow that should have been done weeks ago.  Deadlines are always coming up...new ones and old ones.  E-mails keep coming in that I don't have time to answer.  The phone keeps ringing.  The days keep going by faster and faster...and I keep getting further behind.  I'll have to use part of the time my class will be working on their midterms tomorrow to try to get ready for a 2:00 pm meeting.  Not fair to my students, perhaps, but I'm desperate.

Which Way Do I Go?  Anyone got any answers for me?  I'm again standing at a bit of a cross-roads right now, so I can likely go in any direction.  But whichever direction I choose, I want it to be the final one...

Day 23: 10/4/11 - "Where Do Broken Hearts Go"

"I've been around enough to know
That dreams don't turn to gold
And that there is no easy way
No you just can't run away..."

- "Where Do Broken Hearts Go" by Whitney Houston

Under Pressure: I seriously got a lot done today but don't know how when it was no different than any other day.  Maybe it was the deadlines looming that didn't really give me a choice of not finishing.  Maybe it was because I didn't get too many random phone calls later in the day like I usually do.  Or maybe I just half-assed my way through a lot of little things and felt accomplished.  Who knows!  I just know I feel like I have less to deal with tomorrow.  Of course, that usually means there will be more trouble to deal with tomorrow...

Baking...Again: This time it was for the monthly office birthday party.  I made a chocolate cake with chocolate icing.  The chocolate buttercream came out pretty good this time around.  Haven't made any in a while and last time I made it I had the worst time getting it to taste chocolaty enough.  I hope others enjoy it - as I'm baked out now (too much baking and not enough eating of the baked goods).

I think I've decided that the next thing I want to make is a lemon-lime cupcake.  I've always liked lemon cake and lemon cookies, so I think I'll give it a try.

Mid-term Creation: Creating a mid-term is a royal pain in the butt!  There is no other way to say it.  You have to write it out, format it properly, read it again...then again.  Then you have to get someone else to read it to see what you've left out.  Then you can try to give it to your students and hope it makes sense.  Then hope you don't cry when you are grading it.  I think I'll be crying....

Blue Jeans for a Week: I'm out of work clothes and refusing to do laundry, so I'm wearing jeans every day this week.  I'm waiting for someone to notice.  It's not like me to wear jeans on any day but Friday, but so far only one of my students said anything today: "I've never seen you wear jeans before.  You look good!"  Tomorrow is LMT so that will be the true test of whether anyone will notice.

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now: Stay tuned.  Those that know me know what I'm talking about.  

Day 22: 10/3/11 - "Glitter in the Air"

"Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone"

-"Glitter in the Air" by Pink

National Night Out: I didn't even realize it was going on until I heard chanting as I worked late tonight. At first I thought the students were rioting (you never know!).  But then I realized they were marching around campus, holding up signs and loudly proclaiming that they were men and women who deserved the right to walk at night.  I wish I had known it was happening before their surprise march-through - would have been good to add some support.

What a Day! I don't even know where to begin - today was one of those days when I wanted to just sit in my office and cry or scream.  Even as I felt I was finally getting a handle on things, something else landed in my lap, on my desk, in my e-mail (you get the picture) and I find myself buried up to my neck once again.  I didn't get off until 7:30 pm - didn't get home until 8:00 pm - and didn't finish my prep work for my class tomorrow until 11:30 pm.  Yes, I am tired.  I think that statement just about sums it up for me from top to bottom.  I'm tired.

Where Did My Dreams Go?  I tried to sit down and think about what my dreams were for myself when I was a little girl and I realized I never really had any.  I think it was because I knew that they would never come true.  I've always been very practical, even from an early age, and I think I knew even back then that dreaming, at least for myself, was a waste of time.  So I dream for others.  I dream that my family members will all have exactly what they truly want out of this life.  I dream that my friends will be happy and also find what they want out of this life.

Anger: I've discovered that my ability to become angry is only matched by how quickly I can become sad.  One minute I'm ready to punch a wall, the next I'm ready to crumple into a corner and bawl (of course, if I punch a hole in the wall I'll automatically need to crumple into a corner to bawl due to the pain).  I'm hoping this is due to the thyroid medication.  I saw an ad on a website (yes, one of those pesky tracking ads that offers me information about things they think I will like) that says that 80% of women on thyroid hormone will never experience stable emotions again.  That is not something I ever wanted to read.

Day 21: 10/2/11 - "Be Yourself"

"Yeah and to be yourself is all that you can do
Hey, to be yourself is all that you can do"

-"Be Yourself" by Audioslave

Vivid Dreams: For the second night in a row I awoke from a vivid dream with another person with a name that I was supposed to remember. This time I was apparently working in a club (yeah, I know - in what reality would that ever be true?) and I remember the outfit that I was wearing so well that I had to draw it out. I also remember that I worked with/for someone named Patty and that he was known as a hugger (but he had a beard that even in my dream was scratchy). When I couldn't shake the memory or the outfit, I drew it out. Since I don't sew, I have no doubt that I won't be making it at any point in my life, but it felt good to put it down on a paper. It's been a while since I've done any clothing design. I was so inspired that I finally drew the wedding dress that I designed for a character in a book. Maybe one day I'll find the time and the ability to create both outfits.

How to Waste a Day: I discovered how easy it is to waste a day by doing the very things you are supposed to do. Here is the rundown:

6:45 am: woke up and took medicine - went back to sleep
8:30 am: woke up for real.
9:00 am: walked over to the grocery store to buy a newspaper
10:00 am: made and ate breakfast
10:20 am: clip and sort coupons, create shopping list.
11:30 am: head to the store
2:00 pm: finally arrive home from shopping
3:30 pm: started cooking
7:30 pm: finished cooking
8:00 pm: washed hair
9:00 pm: cleaned kitchen
11:00 pm: write blog

Not much time to do anything else, but left wondering how did the day go by so fast? I have no clue, but I feel as if I didn't accomplish much, other than cooking. Here is what I managed to make today:

Mushroom & Green Pepper Pizza with Corn Meal & Whole Wheat Crust

Vegetable Rolls

Chicken & Sausage Gumbo

Indian Mango Dal

The house smells slightly odd now because of the mixture of aromas. A little like Indian food and a little like New Orleans food. Haven't tasted the Mango Dal yet - I was too full to eat it by the time it was done. The pizza wasn't too bad. I tasted the stock of the gumbo but haven't eaten a whole bite yet. For those who don't know, I don't like okra, so eating gumbo is not something I normally do, and making gumbo is definitely a first!

Loneliness: It's funny how when you are already feeling down, you only see the things that remind you of just how alone you really are (even though there are likely other things out there that would show you that you aren't the only one). Take today, for instance. As I shopped I noticed how most others were there with someone else (husband, wife, children, etc.). While I struggled with my full basket, they had an extra set of hands to help them push. While I got frustrated when I had to backtrack to another aisle because I had forgotten something, they could send someone to get it so that they could continue with their shopping. While I struggled to bring everything up a flight of stairs and unpack it all, they likely went home and had their family to help them. Then, while perusing Facebook, I see that not one, but two of my FB friends has posted an ultrasound. If that doesn't hit you like a slap in the face, I don't know what would. Now I have to hope that I can go to sleep and not dream as vividly as I have the last two nights. These dreams are actually good - which means they hurt when I wake up and the people who were there in them aren't here with me, and I'm still alone.