Day 232: 4/30/12 - "Breakdown"

"I need this
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown"

-"Breakdown" by Jack Johnson

Some Days Just Aren't For You: Today was that day.  First I got to work and realized that I couldn't find my office keys.  They were either at home or in the trunk of the car - but I had already walked in and wasn't going back out there.  Then my body decided to rebel and wrack me with blinding pain for the next six hours straight.  Then my brain stopped working and I couldn't even answer a basic question that I should have known the answer to.  Then my big mouth wouldn't shut up and I told someone something I had never intended to tell them.  I'll just have to hope that they can keep their mouth shut about it!  Wishful thinking, I know - the way my life is going, this person will go straight to the person I don't want them talking to and blab.  I need to remember that not everyone can be trusted (nor should they be).

Peanut Cream Filling? This is what I made yesterday when my peanut brittle didn't turn out. What else do you do with sweet peanuts?  I just baked some into a chocolate cupcake - hoping it turned out okay.  I'll fill some of the cupcakes with it if they did.  I may put a layer on top as well - not sure yet.  Don't know if it will be a favorite like the banana cream filling but it doesn't taste bad.  See pics below.

Chocolate Cupcake with Peanut Cream Filling and Peanut Butter Buttercream

All Hell Is About to Break Loose: I hate it when I'm right about things that I know are going to go very badly.  Today this was confirmed and now we are in for a serious reckoning that will not have a good outcome, no matter what I do.  I hate feeling this way - so out of control when I should be in complete control of the situation.  This is one train that is going to not only run off of the tracks but run over some innocent people and leave carnage in its wake.  I just hope I can minimize the damage.

Day 231: 4/29/12 - "Precious Pain"

"Everybody's got a hunger

No matter who they are

Everybody clings to their own fears

Everybody hides some scars

Precious pain

Empty and cold

But it keeps me alive

I gave it my soul

So that I would survive

Keeping me safe in these chains

Precious pain

Everybody's got a reason

To abandon their plans

How can I think of tomorrow

With my sorrow in my hands

Each road that I walk down 

Reminds me of you

This who town is haunted

There'll never be anything new..."

-"Precious Pain" by Melissa Etheridge

And the Disrespect Continues: I really don't appreciate it when someone makes a decision about my staff that impacts others without first conferring with me.  Now I have to scramble to take care of the issues created by this decision and smooth a few things over with others.  Thank you very much for making a mess and leaving it for me to clean up.  Oh, and thank you for continuing to do things that show just how little you care about my experience, my knowledge, my ability in general to do my job.  I do appreciate you making it abundantly clear that I'm not wanted or needed.

Thanks for the Comments, But...If you are visiting a location that is not your home institution (say, a student from another local college), you should keep in mind that you are a visitor and really have no say in anything related to how we run our location.  We do appreciate your feedback on our services but really?  Complaining about how we run our study rooms and taking the time to outline how we should actually run the service is a little above and beyond.  I'm sorry your home institution does not offer 24 hour service as we do.  But you should be glad that we even let you in the doors after hours.  Some universities require you to be affiliated with that university to be in the library overnight. And no, we cannot allow you to check out study rooms or anything else really since you aren't a student.  And I'm sorry that our library isn't quiet enough for you - I'm sure there are other locations off of our campus that might appeal to you more.  I'm sure our students appreciate someone who did not choose to go to school at their institution telling us how to offer them services.  Maybe next time you should try to get a better understanding of why our policy is the way it is, rather than writing out a verbal rant about something you do not understand.  Just be glad we let you in the doors in the first place!

Day 230: 4/28/12 - "Broken Hearted"

"While I'm lonely brokenhearted
Life's not over
I can start again
While I'm lonely brokenhearted
It's a hurting thing to get over"
 

-"Broken Hearted" by Brandy

Not Much to Say: I don't have much to say about my day today.  I ran 8.6 miles and nearly passed out afterwards.  About 6 miles into the run I came to the conclusion that I needed to stop running.  I'm in so much pain when I finish that the rest of my day is basically ruined.  Plus, I'm just not cut out for running.  I know I need to find something to replace running with or I'll have a bigger issue on my hand, but I'll have to worry about that later.  I tend to think a lot as I run and I often come up with new stories for the books I'll never finish, or decisions related to work or my life.  I just didn't expect my decision today to be about running.  I'm a little saddened at the idea of not running anymore.  I also feel as if I'm admitting defeat in my battle of the budge and again failing at something in my life.

Writing It All Out: Today I spent more time writing and working on my books than I have in a long time.  I also reread my books as I work on them (I have to for most since I don't remember what I wrote).  I was rereading one of them and actually made myself tear up over something I had imagined happening to someone in a book.  It was kind of nice to see that I had written something that could evoke an emotional response.  I'm just sad that it is likely no one else will read it.

Day 229: 4/27/12 - "What Do You Want From Me Now"

"You say, "What do you want from me now?"

Burn all your candles, turn out the light

What do you want from me now?

Forget the feeling that you've been feeling

Deep inside of me, we'll be alright..."

-"What Do You Want From Me Now" by Hootie & the Blowfish

Big Feet = Bad Shopping Experience: I hated shopping for shoes when I was a kid because my feet were so big.  But I now realize how much easier it was for me then because I really only needed three pairs of shoes: 1 pair of tennis shoes, one pair of flats, and a pair of cleats for softball.  Now I need heels and flats, different colors, boots, sandals.  I went to two stores tonight hoping to find some shoes and came up not only empty, but extremely disappointed.  I hit DSW and how annoying is it to have to walk around the store looking for a bright green sticker on a box that says "12" rather than just looking for the shoes you want.  I don't bother to look at the shoes because I don't want to get my hopes up, see a pair I just love, only to find out that not only do they not carry a size 12, they don't even make them in that size.  I finally gave up and went over to Nordstrom's Rack, thinking it had to be better since I know they have my size.  I found nothing in the style I wanted, though lots of shoes with 4 to 5 inch heels!  I don't even need a 1 inch heel, let alone 5 inches!  And even the flats, though there were a few nice looking ones, all were still way too much money.  I left feeling like a freak as usual, and realizing that cute shoes are just not in the cards for me.

Sorry For Being So Annoying: I feel the need to apologize to a lot of people for being so annoying.  I realize this about myself but I don't often realize I'm being annoying until after the fact.  Today I was annoying and I always tell myself afterwards to just shut up, don't say anything.  But I haven't figured out how to do that just yet.  I do know that I talk too much and that I'm fairly boring.  I talk a lot when I'm nervous or upset, so lately I've been talking a little too much.  Please feel free to tell me to shut up when I start getting annoying - true friends will.

Day 228: 4/26/12 - "Collision"

"I am sailing on the sea of life with no lighthouse ahead

I am on two boats with one foot in each one I stand

They are drifting farther losing balance I am sinking

Can I hold this facade?

...External looks and first impressions can be so deceiving...

This is my life and I am drowning

Can I keep two worlds apart?

Should I brace for a collision?

Don't see me more than what I am

I am standing on the mountain of uncertainty

Should I take this leap of faith and pray I'll stay in one piece

I am confused I am alone I don't know where I'm going

And there you are you're thinking I have no important problems

That my decisions are just issues of conformity

But if you look a little deeper in my situation

There's so much you don't see

This is my life and I am falling

Can I find some solid ground?

...You say you know me but you haven't got a clue about me

I have different layers and multiple dimensions

But if you think that you can understand me

Just open your eyes

This is my life and you don't know me

There's only been one side you've seen

Anticipating this collision

I'm so much more than what I seem

This is my life and I am changing

The future isn't clear to me... 

-"Collision" by Tim Be Told

Snowball: Today I described my week like this - a snowfall going downhill and heading straight for a tree.  I now realize that it's even worse than that.  I'm a snowball in hell and if I don't find a way out, I'm going to end up as a puddle of water.  Yes, a little overly visual today but that's how I've been lately.  My icing on the cake today?  I got a notice form my bank that told me that I was overdrawn.  I was surprised and confused because I had already balanced my checkbook and I shouldn't have been anywhere near a zero balance.  I pulled out my check register and started checking everything.  What did I find?  I found that I can't subtract properly.  I was off by a $100.  That $12 over is going to wind up costing me more once the bank gets done charging me a fee.  I transferred money over but I doubt I did it in time.  Lesson learned - It won't happen again.  But it sure didn't help with my disposition at all!

A Successful Failure?  When can a failure actually be a success?  I'm trying to figure this out because I'm heading straight for a failure with a project I'm working on.  But part of me things that it would be for the best if the project failed.  It's a case of not know what the end product would be until you were knee deep in the building materials.  That's where we are now and the plans we had aren't for the materials were have.  So no matter how hard we try to complete our house according to the blueprints and plans, we are going to get something vastly different from the schematics in hand.  I hate failing - it happens too often in my life.  But I guess I'll just have to suck it up like I always do.

Day 227: 4/25/12 - "You Found Me"

"Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came...

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me..."

"You Found Me" by The Fray

Maybe I'm Not Cut Out For This:  It's time for me to consider the possibility that I'm just not cut out to exist successfully in this environment.  It's becoming more and more clear to me every day that I harbor feelings of anger and resentment every time I set foot in this particular place.  I find myself suffering from various small maladies that are easily associated with stress and I don't see a good reason to keep doing things to my self that are bad for me if it is not necessary.  Of course, I don't know what my solution to this is.  Where do I go from here?  What is my niche?  How do I find out where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing if I can't even figure out which end is up most days?  It's pretty scary for me right now.  I've always known - even when the knowing wasn't great - where I was heading, what I was going to do.  And even though that often changed, the changes came naturally - they felt right.  Nothing feels right at this point in my life. Nothing about my life feels like it is working, and I don't want to be that person that keeps pushing to get the square peg to fit in the round hole, only to wind up breaking the damn thing!  I actually had an impromptu chat with two people who were asking me about my baking and why I didn't do that for a living.  I tried to explain and then stopped and said something pretty profound (at least in my opinion): "I've been treading water for the last year since my thyroid issues and my major surgery.  I either need to swim or get out of the pool because treading water is tiresome and it's not getting me anywhere."  I need to take my own advice...

And the Disrespect Continues...I got knocked down another peg today and yes, again it was done on purpose.  I chose not to fight back this time.  Why?  Because it would have been a waste of my time and energy and I need to save them for more logical pursuits. I need to concentrate on planning for the future and finding that place I truly belong where I will be given the respect that I deserve (as a human being). 

Who Knew Tofu Could Bake Up So Good?  I had some silken tofu in the fridge that needed to be used so I tried my hand at making a cupcake with it.  A nice dash of cocoa, flour, sugar, vanilla, and a few other things and voila, I had a nice soft and moist cupcake!  To top it I decided on peanut butter but thought I had already done that before so I made a chocolate peanut butter buttercream.  I had a bit of trouble getting it to mix up (I now know that I put too much strawberry in my strawberry buttercream!) but it tastes absolutely divine!  Recipes pending review from colleagues tomorrow.

tofu in the mix!

with chocolate peanut butter buttercream!

Day 226: 4/24/12 - "Beautiful Disaster"

"...She prays one day she'll find someone to need her
She swears there's no difference between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her
And every magazine tells her she's not good enough
The pictures that she sees makes her cry
She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster...

...She never stays the same for long
Assuming that she'll get it wrong
Perfect only in her imperfection
She's not a drama queen
She doesn't wanna feel this way...

She's just the way she is
But no one's told her that's okay..."

-"Beautiful Disaster" by Jon McLaughlin

Disrespect: When someone disrespects you, it can come in many shapes and forms and even levels.  Often I feel slighted by the actions of others but I realize they don't mean it.  Those times only bother me for a short amount of time.  But then there are the times when I have been blatantly disrespected or had something happen that told me of how much someone disrespected me.  That happened twice today and the disrespect came from the same person.  One of the moments was to my face during a meeting.  I let this one slide because I honestly didn't care - when you aren't even subtle it makes you look like the rude person, not me.  But the other one was deeper, more pain inflicting, because it showed a blatant disrespect for my work, my time, and my abilities to do my job.  I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say that something I suggested was summarily dismissed - when the same idea was suggested by someone else, it had all of a sudden turned into a wonderful idea.  I didn't want credit for the idea, just recognition of the importance of the request when it was first made.  Sorry, I didn't know that my suggestions, thoughts, etc. weren't valued enough for you to bother paying any attention to them.  Did you even read the damn proposal or did you just dismiss it because of who presented it?  Not that it matters - I still benefit from your support of the proposal now.  I just wish you had thought about that 4 months ago...

Day 225: 4/23/12 - "Someday"

"You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday"

Cruel to Be Kind: Yesterday I did something that most would agree was mean, even cruel.  And yes, I did it on purpose because it was the right thing to do.  Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind to someone and being mean was the only way I could get them to understand just how serious I was.  But that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt me as well, or that I don't have to live with  myself and what I did every day.  It may have been the right thing to do, but it hurt like hell.  It also meant the closing of a door for me, and every time those doors close, I find myself being pushed further and further into this tiny space where there will be no space to move, no one to talk to, and I'll be alone.

Mirrors: I go through periods of time where I don't look in mirrors.  Over the years, in my efforts to avoid having to look at myself, I've learned to floss and brush my teeth, wash my face, apply make-up, put my contacts in and take them out, and even fix my hair without having to look in the mirror.  I also dress and head out the door without checking out my reflection.  When those days happen, I feel as if I'm walking around with a huge sign over my head pointing at me and saying, please, make fun of her.  Hearing hurtful words every day can be very taxing for the soul...stupid...fat...ugly...freak...And no matter what other say to try to balance this out, you hear the truth, you know the validity of the words.  You look in the mirror and you see that same stupid, fat, ugly, freak that has always stared back at you.  So you stop looking, because its easier to pretend that you aren't those things when you don't have the evidence staring you right in the face.  Mirrors don't lie...and facing that truth is difficult to do, especially every day.  So cut me some slack if I choose to run and hide from the truth every once in a while.
 

Day 224: 4/22/12 - "If It Makes You Happy"

"If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad"

-"If It Makes You Happy" by Sheryl Crow

Don't Count On Me: I've tried so many times to show people just how much I shouldn't be counted on, but for some reason they just don't listen.  Don't get me wrong - I'm a very dependable person under the right situations.  Hell, I'll even give you the shirt off of my back if it would mean helping you stay warm.  But there are some things I cannot do and asking me to do them would not be useful to either of us.  So think carefully before you ask me for something - I might not be able to deliver.


Cookies For A Cause: I made three batches of cookies for work tomorrow.  These are actually intended for the students, so I was happy to make them, but I was peeved about the reason behind me making them.  We are using them to entice students to help us with a user study.  I'm peeved because I asked months ago for a budget for us to stock up on snacks just for this reason and was told no, that we could do it on a case by case basis.  I tried to explain that at times we would need to go out and attract students on short notice, as in the next day, and we wouldn't have time to order items and have them arrive in time.  So that leaves me helping out by baking cookies as an incentive. 


Cupcake Fail: Tonight I tried to make a Pina Colada Cupcake but they didn't turn out so well.  They were too moist and even though they originally rose, they collapsed on themselves when they came out of the oven, like little souffles.  I'll have to try to figure out what I did wrong, but I think enough of them survived for me to ice them and take them to work for taste testing.  Oh well, guess I can't always bake the perfect cupcakes!

Day 223: 4/21/12 - "Mary Jane"

"What's the matter Mary Jane

Had a hard day

So place the don't disturb sign on the door

You lost your place in line again

What a pity

You never seem to wanna dance anymore

It's a long way down

On this roller coaster

The last chance street car

Went off the track

An you're on it.."

-"Mary Jane" by Alanis Morissette

A Small Victory: Today I scored a small victory in my quest to be a better tennis player.  I actually won a set off of my tennis partner today.  It only took me about a year to do it (which wasn't great) but at least I finally did it.  Of course, I lost the match itself, but I have to take my small victories where I can get them.  But, a 1-6, 6-4, 2-6 score line is definitely better than anything I've put together before.  Maybe I'll actually improve my skills enough to consider playing a local tournament again.

Breaking Out Into Hives:  I either have a mosquito infestation in my apartment or I'm breaking out into hives.  I keep finding what looks like mosquito bites on my arms and legs and it just started today.  I'll have to keep an eye on that.  I don't know how I could have gotten a mosquito issue in my apartment and I definitely haven't seen anything flying around the apartment.  I hate bugs and bug bites are some of the itchiest out there!

Decisions, Decisions: Trying to make tough decisions that will have a great impact on your life is one of the toughest things to do.  I feel like I'm stuck between a rock, a hard place, and there is freezing cold water pouring down on top of me.  Yes, this is the stuff that causes nightmares.  And there are others who think they have the right to "help" me make this decision, but this one I have to make on my own.  They won't understand but for once I don't care.  I need to make a decision for myself because the ways things are going, there will only be myself to take care of me in the future.  If I don't put myself in position to be safe and secure, no one else will...

Day 222: 4/20/12 - "Away From the Sun"

It's down to this

I've got to make this life make sense

Can anyone tell what I've done

I miss the life

I miss the colors of the world

Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself

So far down, away from the sun

That shines into the darkest place

I'm so far down, away from the sun again

Away from the sun again

I'm over this

I'm tired of living in the dark

Can anyone see me down here

The feeling's gone

There's nothing left to lift me up

Back into the world I know...

It's down to this

I've got to make this life make sense

And now I can't tell what I've done

'Cause now again I've found myself

So far down, away from the sun

That shines into the darkest place

I'm so far down, away from the sun

That shines to light the way for me

To find my way back into the arms

That care about the ones like me

I'm so far down, away from the sun again"

-"Away From the Sun" by 3 Doors Down

The Things That Don't Make Sense: There are many things about this world that do not make sense to me, but the things that stick out the most are the ones that are also senseless.  What do I mean by senseless?  When people do things that they did not have to do, knowing full well that they should not do them.  Don't get me wrong - I've been a perpetrator of senseless acts before, but the only person hurt by them was me.  When other people do senseless things that hurt other people, then they have entered a realm of selfishness and stupidity that just cannot be explained, but must be endured by the ones who have been victimized.  I don't think that our world has to be rid of senseless acts.  But I do think it would be much better if the only senseless acts that happened were ones that only hurt the person stupid enough to do them.

When Friends Crochet: I received a beautiful blanket from one of my library world friends today and I was nearly overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of her gesture.  You could see that she put a lot of work into the blanket and it's so big that it actually fits me!  I hope she knows that she is now on my knit list (the list of people in line to get something homemade from me.  The list is pretty long but I'm sure I'll get to everyone before 2015!  Here are pictures of the blanket.  Just my size!

Day 221: 4/19/12 - "Shame"

"I'm the one you really want but you just can't see it

I tried and tried to make you understand, don't believe it

It's a shame, you're missing out on a good thing, oh, oh

And it's a shame you can't see a damn thing, ah huh

What you scared of me, for?  I'm just a woman

Maybe I got it all together like you think...

I can fend on my own, I'm magnificent

I'm a queen on my throne, I'm magnificent...

It's a shame, you're missing out on me

And it's a shame, you don't even know my name..."

-"Shame" by Jill Scott

Ain't it Funny? You spend time wondering about someone and hoping they might be thinking of you too - at least on occasion. But the hard truth is that it's a one way street and you are going the wrong way! That's me right now and I know I need to move on- but that's easier said than done. I have the right to dream, I just need to be able to keep reality and my dreams separate.

Day 220: 4/18/12 - "So Small"

"I know it's hard on a rainy day

You wanna shut the world out

And just be left alone

But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

Is just a grain of sand

And what you've been out there searching for forever

Is in your hands

And when you figure out

Love is all that matter after all

It sure makes everything else

Seem so small..."

-"So Small" by Carrie Underwood

Talking About My Dream: Two of my students asked me today if I was going to open a bakery.  One of the others had mentioned that she thought I should open one and they agreed.  It was fun to talk about that with them and I remember feeling so much lighter as I laughed and joked with them.  I even came up with a name for my shop based on the success of my banana cream filling...Fillings.  Of course, now I have to perfect making different fillings for cupcakes so that I can live up to that name.  Of course, I could also just name it K's Creations which would cover a lot of things!  It's nice to dream but I need to either go for it or give it up.  Just another one of those things I need to factor in as I move forward with my life.

Planning a Trip: Time to take my usual trip out west to see my friend and the babies!  I didn't go last year because my friend came to visit me, but I love my time in Cali, even if it is only for a few days and I love hanging with TO - my sister!  I'll have to see if I can find a cheap flight and find out the best time for me to crash with her (don't want to mess up her summer plans).  Looks like I might get to hit both coasts this summer multiple times - how exciting!

Day 219: 4/17/12 - "Cumbersome"

"I have become cumbersome

To this world...

Too heavy, too light

Too black or too white

Too wrong or too right

Today or tonight

Cumbersome..."

-"Cumbersome" by Seven Mary Three

Queen Kawanna Baker...Or Something Like That!  That's what one of my friends called me tonight (I think - I may have mixed it up a bit!).  What was I up to tonight?  Peanut butter cupcakes (that I let get a bit too brown) with banana cream filling and Ill be making a peanut butter buttercream a little later.  Though I slightly over cooked the cupcakes themselves - they taste pretty darn good!  I should really not try to bake when I'm also covering chat and talking on the phone with my friend (and watching the Rangers play), but I don't have enough time to do all of the things I want unless I do them at the same time!  One day I will learn to slow down and enjoy things, but not right now - right now I'm stressed...so I bake...and try to get over the stress that I feel by doing nice things for others...

Peanut Butter Cupcakes Recipe

2 cups of brown sugar
1/2 cup butter (1 stick, softened)
1 cup peanut butter
2 eggs
1 1/2 cups skim milk
1 tsp vanilla
2 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
2 tsp cream of tartar
1 pinch salt

Preheat oven to 325 degrees.  Line your muffin/cupcake pan with cupcake paper liners.  In a small bowl, combine the flour, baking soda, cream of tarter, and salt.  Mix together and set aside.  In a mixing bowl, combine the brown sugar and the butter.  Mix until creamy.  Add in the peanut butter and mix until combined.  Add in the eggs one at a time, mixing in well.  Take a spatula and scrape the sides of the bowl at this point to make sure the mixture is well mixed.  Mix in the vanilla.  Add the flour mixture and milk alternately in four additions, adding flour then milk, then flour then milk.  Spoon or pour the batter into the prepared cups, filling to about 2/3 full.  Bake for about 12 minutes and check.  If not done - put back in and check at 1 minute intervals.  Remove when done - allow to cool in the pain for 5 minutes then remove to a wire rack.

Banana Cream Filling

1 1/2 bananas (ripe)
1 cup skim milk (you can use regular milk)
1 cup fat free half & half (you can use heavy cream instead or regular half & half)
1/4 cup corn starch
1/2 cup sugar, plus 2 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp vanilla
1/4 tsp kosher salt (regular salt works too!)

Place all the items into the blender and mix together (make sure you don't have any chunks of banana left).  Pour mixture into a saucepan and heat over medium heat. Cook until mixture starts to bubble, making sure to constantly whisk (or stir - I stir and it is fine!).  Continue cooking the mixture until it thickens, about 5 - 7 minutes.  Remove from heat and let cool slightly.  You can use it after about 20 minutes or you can store it in the fridge for later use.  I'd suggest using it within a day or so though.

Here are the pics of tonight's baking extravaganza (I also made peanut butter banana cupcakes but not sure if they came out as well as I had hoped!

Peanut butter cupcakes baked...

Cored...

Banana cream filling made...

Banana cream filling added to cupcakes...

Peanut butter buttercream applied!

Day 218: 4/16/12 - "Better Than I Used to Be"

"I know how to hold a grudge

I can send a bridge up in smoke

And I can't count the people I've let down,

The hearts I've broke...

You ain't gotta dig too deep

If you wanna find some dirt on me

I'm learning who you've been

Ain't who you've got to be

It's gonna be an uphill climb...

I ain't no angel

I still got a few more dances with the devil

I’m cleaning up my act little by little

I’m getting there...

I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get

But I’m better than I used to be..."

-"Better Than I Used to Be" by Tim McGraw

Wrestling With My Own Demons: One of the hardest things to do in life is admit something to yourself.  Whether good or bad, it's harder to be honest with yourself than it is to be honest with others.  This morning I woke up with a random thought in my head that should have made me angry (at myself). Instead, it intrigued me (which scared me) and I had to sit down and think about who I really am as a person and how far I would go to obtain my own dreams.  What is the limit to my ability to ignore my own moral character (the one I've defined for myself, not the one defined by society or anyone else)?  If I do something that is against my own moral code, what would be the overarching consequences to me and to others?  Would I really be willing to be something or someone that I'm not just to have one moment of true happiness (something that was done for me and no one else)?  I don't know.  For the record, it's just a thought...and even if I would follow through, the odds of the opportunity arising is beyond fleeting.  But I can dream...

Power Hungry: Some people truly don't know what to do when they have power.  They abuse it and with that abuse they wind up abusing others.  The fact that so many of us feel we can't do anything about it (and truthfully, cannot because of other situations) just makes it even tougher to take.  The fact that we don't seem to have a true grasp of what is going on makes it almost unbearable.  I don't like being left in the dark for long periods of time, just waiting until...bam!  I get blindsided by something that, if I had seen it coming, I could have taken steps to sidestep it.  Sounds to me like someone isn't playing fair...but its not like they ever have.  Two (or three or four) can play that game...

Neapolitan Cupcakes: I made strawberry cupcakes for work today and topped them with either vanilla, strawberry, or chocolate icing.  Someone told me when I removed the lid today that they smelled like strawberry ice cream, so I named them Neapolitan since I had iced them with the three flavors and if they smelled like ice cream, then I should give them an ice cream inspired name.  The strawberry icing didn't come out the way I wanted but I can work on that!  Next up - suggestions for maple and peanut butter or honey and peanut butter ones...we'll see....

Iced with chocolate...so pretty!

Vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry icing!

Day 217: 4/15/12 - "Big Empty"

"time to take her home
her dizzy head is conscience laden
time to take a ride
it leaves today no conversation
time to take her home
her dizzy head is conscience laden
time to wait too long
to wait too long
these conversations kill"

-"Big Empty: by the Stone Temple Pilots

When It All Hurts: Today was a day when everything hurt and I don't mean physically.  Today was a day where mentally everything bothered me.  I had trouble sleeping last night and didn't get to sleep until 2:30 am.  I was back up at 7:00 though and tried to stay in bed - which led to one of those quick naps that doesn't do you any good.  I finally got up at 9:00 am and tried to get some things accomplished.  Not sure how successful I was.  I did make it to the store and also managed to fix my dinner and lunch for the week.  I made gumbo again - that is becoming my favorite go-to meal since it is so easy to fix and seems to fill me up for a while.  I also made some salmon muffins (they turned out okay) and a chili mac dish (no cheese).  I also made strawberry cupcakes that appear to taste pretty good.  Not sure if the frosting came out the way I wanted but I tried.  I didn't want to use anything artificial to flavor them so I only used strawberries.  It seemed to work though the icing needs work (the acid in the berries broke the icing down and I needed more sugar to rework it - which made the icing too sweet).  I'll take them to work tomorrow anyway - someone will eat them.  I only had one but I'm sure it's not good for the weight I'm starting to put on again (can't quite figure that one out since I'm not eating more...probably the emotional weight gain issue again).  Oh well, at least this day is over and tomorrow is a new one....

Day 216: 4/14/12 - "Silence"

"Silence is cruel and bright

When you've been up all night

Another lonely scene

watching it pass us by..."

-"Silence" by Seal

Another Bad Run: I tried a different route again today, this time running down Bitters.  I didn't realize how many hills were on Bitters and I knew as soon as I hit the first one that I was in trouble.  There were three more and then I had to turn around to head back home.  I managed to re-run all of the hills on Bitters but I only made it another mile on Blanco before I had to finish my run by walking the last mile or so (by the way, I hate doing that...makes me feel like a failure!). Not sure if it was the humidity that got me (I was drenched before mile two), or something else.  There was a great breeze blowing today so I can't say it was too hot.  I was so dizzy and tired by the time I got back that I had to make my breakfast and do the dishes sitting down in a chair.  I haven't had that happen in a long time.  :-(

Why Are the Post Offices So Far Away!  It takes way too long to get to anything that resembles a real post office around here.  I either have to go to Thousand Oaks or all the way down past the University (which I did today since I had to stop in at work anyway). Seriously, San Antonio is way too spaced out.  I didn't see it as a bad thing before, but now I'm starting to notice it.  Of course, it is likely that I'm just peeved about everything else in my life right now so this small thing just got piled on top.  I'll have to add it to list of things I'm not allowed to be peeved about.

Day 215: 4/13/12 - "Shame"

"Funny how it comes to pass, that all the good slips away
And there's no one around you can remember being good to you
Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you
And open up more
Shame, shame, shame

What we lost here is something better left alone
Second steps have been forgotten, will you tell me how
They go
Set yourself, situate, like a fool try again
There's no one around you can remember being good, for you
So  

 
Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you
And open up more
Shame, shame, shame"

-"Shame" by Matchbox 20

Dreaming Again: The dreams of the life (or future life) that I wish I could have but won't came back to haunt me again last night.  This time I dreamed that I was pregnant and had a little boy.  My father came to the hospital to see me and to see the baby and I told him then that  I had decided to name him after my father "James Walter" but realizing this was also my mother's fist husband's name we decided to name him James Matthew.  My father was very emotional and I awoke from this dream very sad, because I know that time is running out for us.  I still have time, though limited, to have children, but for my father to have the chance to know that child and for that child to know him...that is a shorter window and with no possibilities in that direction, I know I can't even allow myself to believe it would be possible.  That's one alternative reality I wish I could step into...I'd give almost anything...

Never On Time: Why is it I can never finish a baby blanket before the baby arrives?  My friend Amy is having her baby today (hope she is doing alright!) and I've been working on her blanket for months, but I haven't worked on it for weeks until tonight...prodded by the news that she was in labor!  I guess I'll just have to speed knit and hope to have it to her before he is a month old.  And I know I have a couple of other friends who are pregnant and due soon that I likely won't have time to knit for.  And here I was thinking I could knit for a living..not going to happen!

Day 214: 4/12/12 - "Days Go By"

"So don't sit back and watch the days go by

Are you ever gonna live before you die

And when things fall apart

The world has come undone

Leave it all behind

Leave the loneliness alone

You wait forever blind..."

-"Days Go By" by Lifehouse

Tough Day: Some days are just tougher than others.  Usually you know when these days are coming (you look at your schedule and cringe).  On other days everything starts out innocuously...then boom!  Everything blows up in your face.  That was today and I never saw it coming.  It really all started with one meeting that just never went right and all went downhill from there.  No way to save that run away train and jumping off would have been suicide, so I just rode it until it finally pulled into the station and I got to stagger my way off.  Leave it to me to find a metaphor and then not drop it (Choo choo!).  At least tomorrow is Friday and I can hopefully finish everything that is expected of me and also get through my e-mail, write a proposal for ACRL (I'm working on two), review websites for my committee, review the manual for LIRT, write a short newsletter article, finish compiling my stats, find the perfect pair of shoes.  That's not too much to ask, right?

Day 213: 4/11/12 - "Warning"

"What's so wrong with being happy?

Kudos to those who see through sickness, yeah

Over and over

And over and over

She woke in the morning

She knew that her life had passed her by

And she called out a warning

'Don't ever let life pass you by'"

-"Warning" by Incubus

How I Miss It!  Today I got a small taste of library instruction again for the first time in nearly 2 years and it was exhilarating.  The pressure of getting materials read on time; setting up the room; double checking your presentation; waiting to see if anyone will show up; greeting those who do; and then the actual session itself.  I say I only got a taste because I wasn't the one teaching.  My peer coaches had their session today and I was very proud of them!  There are 5 of them and we split the workshop into 5 sections.  They did a great job, including drawing a concept map on the board and getting the students in the class to help break down the topic.  We played a game with the clickers and awarded prizes.  And I made lots of cookies as a treat for everyone (as one of my students said after we gave out the prizes - "And everyone gets cookies!").  Afterwards I was practically vibrating with energy and talking way too fast and feeling as if I could run a marathon! I crashed about an hour later, but it was a good crash (just back down to reality).  But I was reminded of what I used to love about being a librarian, and I miss it. :-(  But on the bright side - 19 people showed up for the workshop and the students handled it very well!

Day 212: 4/10/12 - "Better"

"I don't want to care

And I don't want to hate

And I don't want to see you fall too far away

All because of fear

'Cause when you're afraid

You lash out at me

When you say all the things that you never meant to say

And try to break me..."

-"Better" by Plumb

Bake Me: I finished all of the cookies tonight and pretty quickly!  I was able to bake while I monitored chat and tonight was quiet so no interruptions.  I did the chocolate chip, the M&M, and the chocolate with white chips in about 2 hours.  I really need a stove with two racks!  I would be done twice as fast if I had that!  But alas, I only have one.  The chocolate cookies were a new recipe for me and I think they came out better than they have in the past.  I had a little trouble with the M&M (they browned too quickly on the bottom and not quickly enough on the top).  Hopefully they will be eaten tomorrow!

M&M cookies

Chocolate Chip cookies

Chocolate with white chips

Cookie stacks!

Family History: I finally found what I think is the answer to a family history mystery!  My father was told that our last name wasn't supposed to be Bright, but Wiggins instead.  I couldn't find anything in the census to back this up and I really needed the death certificate of my great grandfather Charlie Bright.  I found that tonight by going through the death certificates for the year he died one by one.  He was listed as Chollie Brite (phonics!) and his father was listed as Nathan Bright.  His mother was Georgia Wiggins.  So I first thought that dad was wrong and we really were Brights, but when I went a little deeper, I found the marriage of Nathan Bright and Georgia Austin.  This leads me to believe that Georgia was married to someone with the last name of Wiggins and that this man may have died.  So my last name is likely supposed to be Wiggins, but Nathan Bright adopted Charlie (which is what we've been told).  So, both names appear to be correct, but it appears that we are not biologically related to the Bright family (so other Brights in Franklin Co., Lincoln Co., and Bedford Co., are likely not really our relatives).  I'll keep digging - I really wish I could find a death certificate for Nathan or Georgia because the census has been no help.  I did find a Nath J. Bright in the 1880 census in Franklin County, but he is not in his own home (though he is marked as being Married).  This is getting both tougher and better every time I find something new!

Day 211: 4/9/12 - "I'm About to Come Alive"

"Maybe I'm not but you're all I got left to believe in
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive
And I know that it's been hard
And it's been a long time coming
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive"

-"I'm About to Come Alive" by Train or David Nail

So Not Ready: I'm so worried about the workshop my students are teaching on Wednesday.  I feel they just aren't ready.  They haven't had enough time and neither have I.  I also don't know if they will have an audience or not.  Though I feel rushed, we have worked hard to pull this together.  It would be sad if no one bothered to come to the workshop but attending library workshops is not usually as high on the list of students as librarians would like for it to be.  I made 3 batches of cookies tonight as a treat for anyone who does attend.  And I got a colleague to ask her parents to donate free smoothie coupons as prizes for a game that the students will play. I think I'll bring out the Libraries' bags for swag.

Baking: No matter how tired I am, I still have no trouble doing massive amounts of baking!  I finished 3 batches of 3 different types of cookies in under 2 hours.  Tonight I made a large batch of peanut butter cookies, a batch of snickerdoodles, and a batch of oatmeal cookies.  Tomorrow is chocolate chip, chocolate with white chips, and M&M cookie baking night.

My "Famous" Snickerdoodles

Oatmeal!

Peanut Butter...Yum!

 All The Lights Were Red: I'm not kidding.  I went to pick up my contacts this morning and when I arrived at a set of lights at a major intersection, I noticed a whole slew of cars in front of me running the red light!  I was thinking it had just turned red and they were being aggressive.  But then I realized that all of the lights were stuck on red (not flashing...just red!).  We all sat there looking at each other trying to figure out who should go.  I think some of the people who lived/worked in that area were used to it and they were trying to direct traffic, but it was so strange, considering that none of the lights were flashing.

Day 210: 4/8/12 - "Lonely No More"

"I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore"

-"Lonely No More" by Rob Thomas

The Trouble with Apartments: There are a lot of things that I like about living in an apartment, among them: not having to take care of a lawn; large appliances included; maintenance included.  But right now I'm dealing with the negatives of apartment living.  Top on my list is noise.  My upstairs neighbors stomp and bang and clang around as if they don't have someone living below them.  At first I thought they had children and this explained the constant stomping.  But I finally realized that it's one of the adults living there who has a heavy tread and doesn't care if he's stomping to the point of my walls shaking.  You know when you walk heavily - it's hard to miss.  Just as I know when I accidentally drop something heavy on the floor, that my downstairs neighbors hear it.  Then there is the loud music (wall shakingly loud).  And today, the worst thing of all - careless neighbors.  I woke up to water seeping through my ceiling from their laundry room.  I called maintenance and they reported to me that my neighbors had a broken washing machine.  I'm sorry, but a broken washing machine shouldn't mean water is able to seep through the floor.  Wouldn't someone notice that much water?  Check out the pictures and you'll see what I mean.

Day 209: 4/7/12 - "One Thing"

"Restless tonight

'Cause I wasted the light

Between both these times

I drew a really thin line

It's nothing I planned

And not that I can...
If I traded it all, if I gave it all away

For one thing, just for one thing..."

-"One Thing" by Finger Eleven

Just One of Those Days:  I don't know if I can describe today as anything other than bad, though the whole day itself wasn't bad.  I did my run as I always do on Saturdays (only 7.5 miles today).  And I didn't get overly dehydrated this time (which was good).  But from that point on, everything just went downhill for me.  It could have been the headache - that would have been enough of an issue to drag me down.  But then there was also the toothache, the backache, the stomach ache, and the pain in my hip, knee, and ankle.  Yep, I'm falling apart at the seams.  With all that was going on, I forgot to pick up my contacts at the doctor's office and sign my new lease.  Now I'll have to wait until tomorrow for one and likely later next week for the other.  I did manage to finish my laundry (though I haven't put it away, so I'm left with a fun chore tomorrow).

Day 208: 4/6/12 - "Don't Give Up"

 "Letters that we don't send

Say the things we mean the most

They remain inside us

Haunting, holding

When I dream, I can't sleep.... 

-"Don't Give Up" by Ferras

Strange Behavior: I originally studied psychology in college because I wanted to figure myself out. That turned out to be easier than expected, so I was able to turn my focus to understanding others.  Over a decade later I find that the information and skills gathered during my undergrad courses and my graduate level courses in counseling, still have relevance.  Today I tried to apply it to three different people and their odd behavior.  I've deduced that all three have some form of personality disorder, though at varying degrees.  Two are highly functioning people, but the third is barely functioning and behaves very erratically from one day to the next.  One of the high functioning people is also known for their erratic behavior, but theirs is more stable (you usually figure out their motivation easily).  The low functioning/highly erratic person is harder to figure out because there is no rhyme or reason behind their behavior.  Guess I'll just have to keep watching and learning!

So Sad to See: It's one thing when you are the person being negatively impacted by the behavior of someone else.  I can make decisions for myself and try to learn to protect myself.  But I struggle with how to help another person who is now the target of the other person's attacks and ill treatment.  For the first time I've heard this person sound negative about the situation because I think they finally are getting the full brunt of the other person's behavior.  Before, they were somewhat protected by the fact that their attacker was occupied with others.  I've tried to explain to others just how bad it is, but I think many thought I was kidding or at least over exaggerating.  But when you experience it yourself..personally..you can no longer deny just how horrible it is.  I don't like seeing others get hurt and I do feel I share some of the responsibility for how they are being treated.  But I also know that there is nothing I can do to stop this other person from behaving the way they do.  I can only control my own actions...and try to help a few others get out from under as well.

Decisions, Decisions: It's very easy to make the wrong decision when you are at a low point in your own life.  It's easy for others to take advantage of you during this time...and for you to let them.  I'm at that point right now and feeling myself burdened with the need to make a decision...I just don't know at this point what the right one truly is.  One decision has the potential to bring me a lot of happiness, if I let myself believe what the other person is saying.  But the realistic part of me doesn't believe in the other person and knows them to be calculating and a selfish user who only thinks about themselves.  Letting them in the door is tantamount to inviting a vampire into your house.  You might as well prep your neck for them and present yourself because they will bleed you dry.

Day 207: 4/5/12 - "Running Away"

"I don't want you to give it all up

And leave your own life collecting dust

And I don't want you to feel sorry for me...

I just wanted you to tell me the truth

You know I'd do that for you

...And I was the one who was lifting you up

When you thought your life had had enough

...There's nothing that I can do or say

So now I need you to tell me the truth

You know I'd do that for you

So why are you running away?

Why are you running away?

Is it me, is it you

Nothing that I can do

To make you change your mind

Is it me, is it you

Nothing that I can do

Is it a waste of time?

Is it me, is it you

Nothing that I can do

To make you change your mind

So why are you running away?

Why are you running away?

...What is it I've got to say...

So why are you running away?

...To make you admit you're afraid...

Why are you running away?

-"Running Away" by Hoobastank

How Much More Unfair Can Things Get?  There are times when life is simply not fair.  Times when I wish I weren't such a 'good' person and could drop the dead weight that I've been carrying around.  I balanced my check book today and then calculated how much of it is paying for someone else: $1000.  Really?  I'm left with $5 in my checking account this month because I'm being eaten alive by the debts of others.  I can't even get someone to fucking say "thank you" for what I do, and another person fucking asking me for more help.  I don't have anything else to give!  I don't have any more money.  You've already taken all of that.  I don't have any more of my heart to give.  You've already trampled all over that.  I don't have any more of my body to give.  You've already used that.  What's left?  What about me?

Day 206: 4/4/12 - "Sign on the Door"

"And her eyes are screaming
And her lips are pursed
And this ain't her first heartache
But it feels like, it feels like the worst
And she says
Can someone tell me how this can happen
And I guess that God only knows
My heart used to be
The sweet shop of love
But now the sign on the door
It says sorry we're closed
And I hear myself tell her
Some old words I know they won't help
And then I feel guilty
'Cause I closed some sweet shops myself
And we all talk about timing
And lifestyles and such
But to a heart that's been shattered
Those words don't mean that much"

-"Sign on the Door" by Edwin McCain

How Odd: I think that my chocolate and vanilla cupcakes baked up in the shape of countries, continents and states!  I swear I see New Jersey, Africa, Australia, and the US!  Okay, it's just my imagination, but it was fun to see!  I made a batch of 48 cupcakes that include chocolate, chocolate vanilla, vanilla, and chocolate banana.  I'm waiting on the frosting to cool down a bit before I apply it.  I'm baking because one of my staff member's last days is tomorrow and he likes chocolate, so chocolate cupcakes it is!  I'm hoping the cupcakes all came out okay - I only ate one of them to test, but they all smell good and look good.  Check out the pic!

Sunny Florida?   I think I'm going to take a trip down to Miami for my vacation this year.  I'll go sometime in May, probably after the semester is over but before the summer orientations start.  I won't stay long - I can't afford a long trip, but I've definitely earned some time away!  Hopefully I can get through the next month successfully and then I'll also have to make sure I'm able to afford time down there and still make it to Anaheim in June (what a pain that rip is going to be!)  No matter what, I need to see the sights, catch a ball game, and have some fun!

Day 205: 4/3/12 - "You"

"I'll never try, I'll never die

I'll never push for you people

I'll tell you how I feel

I'll never lie, I'll never cry

I'll never try for you people

I'll tell you, yes it's real..."

-"You" by Candlebox 

Histories Tragedies: I've been taking advantage of the free Ancestry.com time to do some more family research and what I've discovered is that history makes me sad.  I've found out that some of my relatives died from diseases that were preventable, or at least unexpected for them to suffer from: Typhoid fever, tuberculosis, pneumonia, and the kicker: two young girls in one family died 3 years apart from complications related to childbirth (though their death certificates say from incomplete abortions).  No more information about them, but the horrors of losing one child, let alone two, to similar issues is scary.  But what's even scarier are the ideas floating in my head about what happened to those two girls.  What are the odds that two young women in the same family wind up pregnant early in life (16 and 14 at their deaths).  Usually you have to start looking around the household when that happens twice (of course, these were different times, but still, I find this very suspicious).  Neither of those girls deserved to die at such early ages.  Life was tough, but it was made tougher by their situations.  The 14 year old was still in school when she died...

Day 204: 4/2/12 - "Maybe"

"Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should
Maybe I'm crazy
(Maybe I'm crazy)
Maybe I'm the only one
(Maybe I'm the only one)
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change"

-"Maybe" by Sick Puppies

Extremes: I don't always think about things in a philosophical way and most of what I type will likely be classified as bull.  But on occasion I take note of something that really catches my eye and today it was the extremes that I saw in the weights of the young women who go to college here.  I say extremes because as I was people watching on my way in to work, I noticed that the girls were either very heavy or very thin.  I saw only a few girls who would be classified as "average."  Since I've been in San Antonio I've been told just how "large" the population is in general.  So, though it saddens me to see it, I'm not surprised when I see a large number of girls (and boys) with sever weight problems.  But I was surprised at the number of girls I saw who have extreme weight issues in the other directions, as in "too thin.".  Now, I know that there are some people who are naturally thin.  I've know a few of them in my time and I know they eat, don't overdo it on the workouts, and are healthy people.  They are just thin.  But some of these women are beyond just thin - they are sunken in, bones sticking out, stooped over, with thinning hair, and noticeably bad teeth.  I'm not sure whether I hope they have a medical issue or whether it would be better to have a mental issue.  Either way, I ache for all of them.  I know what it's like to be the severely heavy young girl and self-conscious of how I look and how others see me.  And, contrary to popular belief, I've never been that too-thin girl, but I know what it is like for others to say that you are too thin, so I try not to judge.  I just wish that society would work in a way that we could all achieve a healthy balance, because that is all we should be trying to obtain!

Bravery, Stupidity, or Some other Status in the Middle?  I tackled something tonight that many others have said they wouldn't bother trying to do...because they were worried about possible repercussions.  But I refuse to have someone else's illogical behavior or the possibility of something bad happening keep me from doing the right thing.  When you are given the chance to participate in an important process, you have to do it.  Look at the state of our democratic society?  Our voter percentages are embarrassingly low.  So many people want to complain about those who are in power, but most of them didn't vote and won't vote this year either.  But voting is more than a right, it is a necessity!  Look at how many years we've had to fight to get access to voting for so many different people?  And look at all of the issues we still have with voter intimidation!  I won't be cowed!  And the process I participated in is also supposed to be anonymous and confidential.  Do I think that is true?  Hell no!  Where there is a will, there is a way.  And where there is evil, there is corruption.  Will there be repercussions?  I suspect so, bu I hope I will still have my backbone and be able to stand up and say "it was all true, so why shouldn't I say it?"  If you can't face the truth about yourself, then you have a bigger issue than you know.  Do I face my own truths?  Every damn day - which is why life is so hard sometimes.  It's harder being happy, optimistic, and successful when you know what your life really is.  I've finally learned that others sit in a haze of fake happiness, a world that they've created by lying to themselves.  Who's life is actually better?  I can't argue that now, but I can say that I think I'm better off with the truth.