Day 262: 5/30/12 - "It's My Life"

"Funny how I blind myself
I never knew
If I was sometimes played upon
Afraid to lose

Oh, I'd tell myself
What good do you do
Convince myself

Oh, It's my life
Don't you forget
Oh, It's my life
It never ends (It never ends...)

And I've asked myself
How much do you
Commit yourself?"

-"It's My Life" by No Doubt

New Toy: I have a new favorite kitchen toy...my cupcake corer!  I used to use a knife or a small cookie scoop to try to core cupcakes for fillings.  Those methods aren't perfect and I often made more of a mess than anything else.  This simple little $5 tool makes quick work of creating a core, isn't messy and looks like a flower! And the color matches the color scheme in my kitchen!

Why did I need a cupcake corer?  Why, to put cream fillings into my cupcakes, of course!  Why else would anyone need one?  I might post pictures of the cupcakes, though I must say they are pretty basic looking.  The chocolate cream filling I created to go in the middle...now that tasted delicious!  Here are some pics!

Day 261: 5/29/12 - "C'est La Vie"

"Got a job

That's okay

But they've got me workin' night and day.

Punchin' in

Punchin' out

Is this really what life's all about?

What you gonna do?

What you gonna feel?

I don't know.

What you gonna feel?

What you gonna do?

Won't someone tell me?

What you wanna say

What you wanna do?

There's only one thing left to say

C'est la vie..."

-"C'est La Vie" by Robbie Nevil

Foreboding: I have this very bad feeling that something is wrong.  I can't quite tell if the something is wrong with me physically, mentally, socially, etc.  I just don't know what it is and I can't put my finger on what is causing this sensation, but I know something is wrong.  I'll try to sleep tonight and hope I feel better tomorrow - but whatever this is, is leaving a hollow feeling in my chest, my throat is tight, and I feel as if I'm going to have a panic attack.  Haven't had one of those in a long time...don't want them to start up again.

Granola: I seem to be on this mission to stop buying processed foods.  Even though some of my concoctions aren't necessarily "healthy," I still feel better about eating them because at least they are made from scratch and I know what goes into them.  It's why I keep trying to find recipes that don't require dyes to create their colors, or fake flavoring to create their taste. My new kick has been making my own granola bars.  I usually try to fix them so that I get a nice bar that travels well, but I altered my recipe slightly and wound up with a less connected mixture.  It crumbled so nicely that I decided to just carry it like crunchy granola for my yogurt.  Here is what I use in my granola:

2 cups rolled oats
1/2 cup sunflower seed kernels (unsalted)
1 cup almonds (I use whole, but you could use slivered, or chopped)
1/2 cup wheat germ
1/2 cup honey (I substitute regular sugar or splenda when I'm out of honey - makes for crumbly granola)
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 oz unsalted butter
2 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp kosher salt
6.5 oz dried fruit (I like cranberries, or raisins)

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.  Combine the oats, sunflower seed kernels, almonds, and wheat germ, spread in a half sheet pan, and place in  the oven to toast for about 15 minutes.  Make sure to check on the mixture and stir around so that it won't burn.  Combine the honey (or granulated sugar), brown sugar, butter, vanilla, and salt in a medium sauce pan over medium heat.  Cook until the sugar dissolves.  Remove the oat mixture from the oven and reduce the oven temp to 300 degrees.  Add the oats mixture to the melted sugar mixture, and then add the fruit.  Stir to combine.  Spread back into the half sheet pan and flatten to the edges.  Place back into the oven and bake for about 15 minutes.  Check at this point to make sure you don't burn the granola.  Remove from oven and allow to cool.  If you used the honey, you likely will be able to cut the baked sheet into bars (though some will likely still bake).  If you used sugar (or left out some of the sugar), you'll likely have something that will crumble easily.  Break this up and place into bowls.  You can eat it just like it is, use it with yogurt or on anything else that works with a topping, or serve with milk.  Pretty tasty!  I've also added chocolate chips - They don't look pretty but they taste pretty good!

Day 260: 528/12 - "City"

"Calling out somebody save me I feel like I'm fading away
Am I gone?
Calling out somebody save me i feel like I'm fading

In these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
There's nothing here to hold on to
Could i hold on to you?"

-"City" by Sara Bareilles

You Don't Have to Lie: I'm used to people not wanting me around, not wanting to spend time with me.  I don't need you to lie to me if you don't want to see me. Just say you're busy, or don't call at all.  I'm not going to pester you or stalk you.  If you say you're going to call and you don't (and I know you aren't dead) then I take it to mean you just don't want to talk to me.  That's cool.  Don't try to force things and then when you realize you don't want to actually bother with me, you make up some lame lie that I can easily see through.  That actually makes me feel worse than if you were just honest and said "go away, leave me alone, not interested."  I would find that much less cruel and more to my liking.  Honesty...so hard to come by these days.  It's okay though, I don't hold it against you for not wanting to spend time with me...most people don't want to.  The few who do are truly special...I miss them a lot on days like this...

Holiday Work: Working on a holiday is always a little odd.  Mostly because people who come into the library look at you with expressions that say both "thank you for being here -and what the heck are you doing here?"  I hate to tell them that they can't have it both ways.  They are happy that the library is open but they feel bad that someone has to work in order for it to actually be that way.  I did get a thank you from a faculty member who was glad we were open.  I guess that is something!  But I think if someone actually worked out the cost of having someone with my salary working on a holiday and the amount of work I actually did (or the type of work), they would say that I shouldn't be working on that holiday.  I get paid for the holiday and I get comp time for working.  Just a reminder that we need to fix the staffing issues we have right now - we can't sustain this any more...

Blueberry/Peach Cobbler: I tried my hand at making a cobbler tonight.  It was pretty easy, though nothing like the way my mom makes her fantastic blackberry cobbler.  But I found some recipes online and combined them into something that turned out to be edible.  I especially like the topping.  It was funny to see the different types of toppings that people put on their cobblers.  There was the crumbled style, the biscuit style, the cake style, the bread pudding style.  I'm not sure what mine is, but it sure did look good!

Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter?  WTF?????

Day 259: 5/27/2012 - "Don't Blink"

"Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap...
Don't blink...
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster then you think
So Don't blink

Naw, don't blink
Life Goes Faster Than You Think..."

Waiting Game: I've noticed that I spend most of my time waiting on things.  Some things I wait on with no problem - it's the way life is.  Other things make me impatient and I don't want to wait on them.  I wait on people to make moves in my Words with Friends games.  I hate it when I start a new game with a random opponent and they don't make the first move for hours!  Why did you put out a request for a game if you didn't want to play?  Today I've spent most of the day waiting for pain to go away.  It has eased enough to breath normally, but its not gone completely.  Waiting for something like that is probably the worst type of waiting.  You try to think about something else, wonder if there is anything else you can do to make the pain recede faster.  But all you can do is wait.  What will I find myself waiting for tomorrow?  The next day?  I have no doubt that I'll be waiting for something...

Hookers 'R Us: When did shopping for dresses on Amazon become an exercise in weeding out the streetwalker dresses?  I did a simple search for dresses in my size and then sorted by lowest price first, and what do I get?  Every skin tight, mini, off-shoulder, cheap looking, dress that has been made in the past year (and a few I think were made in the '80's!).  I think I'll stick to Macy's and Kohl's from now on for my dresses - I don't think I can stomach wading through the crap that Amazon sells as dresses anymore.  Oh, and did I mention that most of these dresses are being marketed to juniors?  Teenage girls should not be wearing these dresses!

Day 258: 5/26/12 - "Where I Stood"

"I don't know what I've done

Or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey, you know me, it's all or none..."

-"Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins"

Done Asking Why: I used to ask myself "why me?" whenever bad things happened to me, but I'm done with asking that question.  There is no rhyme or reason for why things (both good and bad) happen to people.  They just do.  I'm not talking about the things we have control over.  I've gotten my life to the point where I am in control of the things that I can possibly control. Everything else I just have to deal with as it occurs.  Today the pain was so bad that I finally caved and put in a request for a doctor's appointment for the following week.  I kept hoping it was a temporary issue and that I could change something (my diet, my water intake, something) to make it better or at least tolerable.  But today proved that this is one of those things outside of my control. A cursory look online gave me the possible answer, one I suspected but was hoping would not be the cause.  I don't want to think about the possible implications of this issue - the future of continued pain, the possibility of surgery, the final nail in the coffin of one of my dreams.  All of those things are now partially outside of my control, and don't like that.  I won't ask why - there is no satisfactory answer anyway....

Best...Dream...Ever!!!  I felt so bad today I almost forgot to post about the dreams I woke up from this morning (before the pain started and the day went from good to crap in 0.005 seconds).  I dreamt I was "drafted" by the Texas Rangers and allowed to actually play in a game!  I was in uniform, warmed up with the other players, got a base hit (though the dream did not include the experience of being in the batter's box...just being on first base), and got to play left field.  Throughout the dream I kept thinking "this has to be a joke.  No way I get to play with the Rangers!"  And then I was thinking that this had to be a one day deal and that they would change their minds and I'd be booted soon.  I woke up from the dream with a smile on my face and a headache.  I decided to go back to sleep, figuring it was Saturday and I deserved to sleep in.  I was sad though, because I had not wanted the dream to end.  Strangeness of all that is strange - the dream continued.  It was the next day and I was sitting in Ron Washington's office.  He was chastising me for being late and for not being in my "practice gear."  I explained that I had thought yesterday was a joke and that I wasn't really part of the team and he laughed at me and set down a couple of piles of Rangers gear (tshirts and shorts) and told me to get changed for pre-game.  Just as I was about to change the room switched and instead of an office we were in a large conference room.  The gear that Ron had given me was still there and he was looking at me expectantly, but the rest of the team had come into the room.  I think they expected me to balk at changing in front of them, but I just shrugged, stripped, and put on my new Rangers tshirt and shorts.  I remember thinking how shocked the guys looked, but how I had earned their respect by acting like just one of the guys.  What a strange (crazy, weird, but also exciting!) dream.  Too bad when I woke up the second time I had a serious case of the shakes and was in pretty bad pain.  Oh well, I'll cling to my short-lived stint as a major league baseball player - even if only in my dreams...

Day 257: 5/25/12 - "Something to Believe In"

"You wake up every morning looking for your answer
You're waiting for your sign...
 

You swear the world has got you backed into a corner
But no one holds your hand to walk into a fight...

You spend your days alone still hopin' for the truth, oh
But all you hear are lies
But no on else is gonna tell you what to do now
No one else is gonna help you hold the line

You say, "keep my head from going down"
Just for a little, just for a little
Watch my feet float off the ground
Just for a little, just for a little
Love, if you can hear this sound
Oh, just give me something, something to believe in..."

"Something to Believe In" by Parachute

What To Do When There is Too Much To Do?  That's what I'm trying to figure out right now.  There is a lot that can be done and a lot that should be done, but for some reason these two things just aren't matching up!  I'm going to have to use Monday (I'll be at work for Memorial Day...all day...by myself...with the few students who have no lives either) to figure a few things out.  Maybe I'll be able to prioritize some things (while I'm waiting for someone else's input about a number of other things that cannot move forward without them).  I'm discovering that trying to get anything done on a long holiday weekend is nearly futile.  But it also means that I might be able to tackle my inbox to the point of clearing it out completely (what a dream!).  And then maybe I'll work on those projects that have been left idling for a few weeks (if not months).  Then of course there is the LIRT manual review project that I now have input back on, and the Immersion applications for review.  Something tells me that I'm going to be pretty darn busy on Monday!

Crossroads...Again: I find myself back at the crossroads again.  I thought I had moved away from this location with my trip down to sunny Florida, but that trip simply sent me back to the crossroads, so I'll start the decision process all over again. 

Day 256: 5/24/12 - "For You I Will (Confidence)"

"I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have

And cannonball into the water.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have

For you I will

You always want what you can't have

But for you I have to try..."

-"For You I Will (Confidence)" by Teddy Geiger

Confronting Anger: Yesterday we had an incident where I work.  One of our recent regular "guests" became upset for some reason (no one said or did anything to him), got up from where he was sitting and threw one of our chairs across the room.  I didn't see him throw the chair but others did.  I heard it through.  We called the police and though they came to speak with him, I currently do not know what became of him or if he was trespassed from the university (as he should have been).  But I'm reminded now of just how dangerous things can be even in a "protected" environment like the university.  I had the urge to approach the patron and get into his face about his behavior, but not knowing if he had a weapon made me hold back.  I was so mad though - what if we had been full and he had hit a student?!  That type of irrational behavior has no place in the library, nor in life in general.  Tomorrow I try again to find out what the police know so that I can inform all of the information desk staff.

Low Self-Esteem: I realize that despite the public face I present, I actually have a very low self-esteem.  This is something I need to work on, not just for the sake of being at work, but for the rest of my life as well.  I cannot go around feeling as if I'm not good enough for something or someone.  I need to go into every situation believing and knowing that I've done my best, put my best foot forward, and done everything in my power to do my job or live my life.  No excuses...

Day 255: 5/23/12 - "Sweet Serendipity"

"I can’t say what’s next
And I got nothin' up my sleeve
But I don’t lose my head
Cause it ain’t really up to me...

A nd I’m doing just fine
I’m always landing on my feet
In the nick of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Somethings watching over me
Like Sweet Serendipity...

I don’t ask for a lot
No nothing more than I need...

I just want to be strong
At the end of the road
I don’t want to hold on
I want the strength to let go...

Don’t look fate can only find you
You can’t choose for something to surprise you
Set sail without a destination
Just see where the wind will take you
You never know when you're gonna fall..."

-"Sweet Serendipity" by Lee Dewyze

Oh, My Back!  Why is it when my back "goes out" now days, its when I'm doing something simple and not really doing anything that should hurt it?  That's what happened this morning as I squatted down to put a bag down on the floor.  Knees were bent, no torque, bag was light and suddenly I felt my lower back muscles start to quiver and then clench painfully.  I made it back to my apartment but the stairs nearly defeated me.  I knew I was in trouble but couldn't even take my medication to help alleviate the pain and discomfort since I had to go to work today.  Just now getting ready to take my medication so that I can go to sleep and then pull a 12 hour day tomorrow.  That...truly...sucks!

Self-Absorption: This isn't truly accurate but it was as close as I could get to the sense I had today about how much I've been focused on the issues I've been having along with a couple of others.  Today I found out that a couple of other very nice people were having major issues too and it saddened me to see them so unhappy and looking for a way out.  One of them found that way - the other one is looking.  Both of their losses will be noticed and felt.  But it reemphasizes for me that others are suffering and not just the small localized group that I had thought.  It might be time for some sort of uprising or we all run the risk of having to choose to run away and start over - which is not fair to us.

Day 254: 5/22/12 - "What Matters"

"It ain't about the money

No, it ain't about the time

It ain't about the love you've lost

All the things you think you left behind

It ain't about your losing streak

Makes you feel like your falling apart

What matters is your heart..."

-"What Matters" by Edwin McCain

I Have Returned:  2 days away weren't enough but they were better than nothing, and it was interesting visiting Miami since I had never been there. I got up early this morning and hit the beach (just to walk around in the sand) and was saddened by the trash I found that someone had just thrown out onto the sand.  It disgusts me that people are so lazy that they don't care about the messes they leave behind for others to clean up!  It was beyond humid while I was out there but the water was nice and cool (now that I realize I have a cold, I probably shouldn't have been out wandering around in the water...).  I then headed over to Einstein Bros. for a quick and healthy breakfast.  I had just stepped back into my hotel room and went to look outside when I saw that it was pouring!  Apparently this is pretty common in Miami but it was a surprise for me.  I was one minute from getting completely soaked!

A cloudy morning in Miami...

Toes and rolled up pants, awaiting water...

There's the water!

Here it comes again!

I Want My Mommy:  And some chicken noodle soup.  I starting feeling a little icky last night and sure enough by the time I got home tonight I was coughing and sneezing with the best of them.  Off to bed in hopes of feeling better tomorrow.  I suspect that I'll get worse before I get better though.  Hope I don't develop a fever - can't ban myself from work when I'm so short-handed.

Wishing I Could Help:  I have a friend going through a really tough time right now and it's one that he just does not understand (I actually agree with him - it doesn't make sense to me either).  I just hope things start to improve for him soon - he deserves so much more than what he is getting (many people do).  It always bothers me that someone like him, who is such a nice guy and hardworking, and nice looking, gets mistreated by someone who just doesn't appreciate him or what she has.  And I can't even get a guy like him to consider me - though I'd be counting my blessings every day if I had him in my life in that way.  But at least I have his friendship and hopefully I can help him through this tough time.  I don't know how but if he does need me, he only has to call...

Day 253: 5/21/12 - "Runaway"

"Run away, run away, run away and save your life

Run away, run away,

Run away if you want to survive..."

-"Run Away" by Real McCoy

On the Beach: I'm in my second hotel of my short trip to Miami and today I'm on the beach.  I got in late so I didn't get to go down there before the sun set, but Ive decided to try to catch a sunrise tomorrow.  I don't know how I feel about this trip just yet.  I need to sit down when I get home and really think about a lot of things that I heard while here and things that I saw (the seeing more than the hearing may be the most important thing). But I have had fun and eaten way too much food (including things really bad for me!).  But I'll hit the gym Wednesday (maybe) when I get back or Thursday if I'm too tired.  I'll be back to my usual energizer bunny self by them.  Hope to have pictures to post today - so far nothing...but I've been a bit busy.  Don't worry Mom and Dad, I got your usuals!

Kawanna

Day 252: 5/20/12 - "Miami"

"Party in the city where the heat is on

All night on the beach till the break of dawn

Welcome to Miami and Bienvenido a Miami..."

-"Miami" by Will Smith

Hello Miami!  Okay, so I'm not on the beach (yet) nor am I dancing the day away, but I am in Miami and felt that the song was idea (thanks Will!).  Today was long with all of the travel and tomorrow will be long for other reasons.  But I know I will get through it all with flying colors.  And tomorrow night I get to see a long lost friend - looking forward to that!  I'll keep this short - I have work to do in order to be ready for tomorrow...I'm talking about the hair here people...gotta get it right!

Day 251: 5/19/12 - "Crush"

"It's crazy I'm thinking, just knowing that the world is round.

I'm here I'm dancing on the ground

Am I right side up or upside down?

And is it real, or am I dreaming?"

-"Crush" by Dave Matthews Band

Packing!  Packing can be so onerous sometimes - trying to make sure I don't forget something really important...like something to sleep in!  Which also reminds get my swimsuit....okay, now that I've packed that, I need to think about the toiletries, and the shoes, and having at least one extra outfit in case I run into any clothing dilemmas while there.  And yes, I've packed the umbrella since the 7 day says that there will be a 30-40% chance for rain every day.  Just ope I get some rest tonight and on the plane so that I don't have bags under my eyes when I meet others - don't want to look like I'm as tired as I really am!  Pictures will be posted  as soon as possible and if I actually do something fun other than sit around my hotel room talking to myself...

Day 250: 5/18/12 - "Even If It Breaks Your Heart"

"Some dreams stay with you forever

Drag you round and bring you back to where you were

Some dreams keep on getting better

Gotta keep believing if you wanna know for sure...

Keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart..."

-"Even if it Breaks Your Heart" by the Eli Young Band

Pay for What You Get: I stopped by a hair salon today to have the edges in the back of my hair removed.  They don't look bad but they do look a little ragged if I pull my hair up.  As the woman was working on my hair I warned her to be careful and not cut up too far.  She said "I didn't - just taking off the back."  As I was leaving she waved off payment - said it wasn't worth her time (I'm guessing she meant that it didn't cost her any time) since it only took her a minute.  Everything seemed fine until I started untangling my hair to wash it and low and behold to long locks came out in my hands!  She had cut off two of my twists!  I was so mad, but what can you do?  She hadn't charged me so I paid for what I got, which was a slight butchering.  At least I have so much hair that it isn't noticeable.  Of course, I know about it so it will drive me crazy.  And as my hair grows back out I will have uneven hair in the back no matter what I do since the hair she cut will grow more quickly and lengthen more than the edges that I cut on occasion.  I won't be going back there, which is sad since it is where I also went the first time and the other woman did a great job.  I will at least contact them and let her know that she should be more careful, whether she is charging someone or not!

Wordle is Fun!  Check out my Wordle created from a 3 page paper I just completed.  I forgot how much fun it was to put together Wordles.  They show you so much about the words you used and can really let you know by the size of the words you used most frequently whether you stayed on topic as you had hoped to.

Day 249: 5/17/12 - "All We Are"

"I kept falling over
I kept looking backward
I went broke believing
That the simple should be hard

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful...

And in the end the words won't matter
Cause in the end nothing stays the same
And in the end dreams just scatter and fall like rain"

-"All We Are" by Matt Nathanson

A Day Late: I was so tired last night that I didn't even bother trying to put together my blog post. By the time I turned off my computer I was seeing double and pretty much fell asleep right away (which is a miracle for me).  What I would have posted about was pretty basic yesterday, and here it is in all its fascinating glory.

Pet Peeve City: I got home from work to the joy of a neighbor playing their music so loudly that they were shaking my walls...and they live two apartments down!  I have the urge to go down there and ask them to turn it down, but I also know that if your neighbors are already inconsiderate enough to play their music that loudly (there's no way they don't know it is too loud), then they likely won't be welcoming of someone asking them to turn it down.  I try to keep a low profile around my neighbors - I don't know them and I don't particularly want to.  And I really don't want a pissed off neighbor knowing I'm not happy with them - they might just crank it even louder!  Oh well, I'll just have to start thinking about moving on again - maybe it is time to consider buying a house?  Who knows!

Local Weather Report Not Looking Good: My trip might be a rainy one (though I've heard that can be expected with southern Florida.

 

At least it won't be in the 90's and the humidity will be below 80%.  Beggars can't be choosers!

Day 248: 5/16/12 - "Waiting For a Star to Fall"

"I hear your name whispered on the wind
It's a sound that makes me cry
I hear a song blow again and again
Through my mind and I don't know why
I wish I didn't feel so strong about you
Like happiness and love revolve around you

Trying to catch your heart
Is like trying to catch a star
So many people love you baby
That must be what you are

Waiting for a star to fall
And carry your heart into my arms
That's where you belong
In my arms baby, yeah...

Waiting (however long...)
I don't like waiting (I'll wait for you...)
It's so hard waiting (don't be too long...)
Seems like waiting (makes me love you even more...)"

-"Waiting For a Star to Fall" by Boy Meets Girl

Strange Days: Today was strange because it 1) went by so fast and 2) didn't have any major catastrophes.  Not that every day recently has had a major catastrophe, but it sure has felt as if bad things have been happening a lot lately.  Today I made it through some situations that I worried would turn out badly but all turned out the way I hoped.  Now I have to continue to go into the situations with the belief that they will work out...and having the patience to wait for my hard work to be rewarded.

Lyrics Come to Life: I haven't written any new songs lately, but the one I actually finished keeps popping into my head tonight, specifically one refrain...

But I, don't wanna know what life is like all alone
Don't wanna spend another lonely night by the phone
Don't wanna face a future unknown
Can't imagine the days with you gone...

 I write such depressing songs!  I need to find some happiness and some joy so I can start writing more positive lyrics.  Especially if those darn songs are going to keep popping into my head and playing over and over, and over, and over....you get the picture...

Day 247: 5/15/12 - "Hold On"

"There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart

But it's no one's fault, no, it's not my fault

And maybe all the plans we made might not work out..."

-"Hold On" by Michael Buble

Savory: I finally had to take a break from baking the sweets tonight since I hadn't eaten a real dinner in a couple of nights.  But I still wanted to bake, so I ended up making mini chicken pot pies using my large muffin tin.  I must say they turned out very well considering the last minute process I used to put them together.  Here is how I constructed these masterpieces:

1 can of mixed vegetables, drained
1 can of reduced fat cream of mushroom soup
8 oz of chicken breast (pre-cooked and cubed)
Homemade pie crust (1 cup whole wheat flour, 1 cup all purpose flour, 1/2 cup shortening (or butter), 1/4 tsp salt, 1 tsp baking powder, and cold water).

If your chicken is not pre-cooked, go ahead and bake it, cool it and cube it.  Set aside in a bowl.  Drain the mixed vegetables and add to the bowl.  Then add the cream of mushroom soup and salt and pepper to taste; stir to combine.  Set aside.  To make the crust, combine the flour, salt and baking powder in a large bowl.  Add the shortening and use a fork to cut into the mixture.  When it resembles course meal, create  well in the center and add your cold water with a tablespoon.  Add 1-2 tablespoons at a time and stir to combine.  The mixture should start to form a soft dough.  Don't add too much water, just add enough to create a ball of dough that can be rolled.  Pour some flour out onto a clean, flat surface and roll out flat and thin.  Use a bowl with an approximately 4 inch diameter to cut the dough into small circles.  Spray your muffin tin and then place the large circles of dough into the tin.  Add the chicken, vegetable, sauce mixture.  With the remaining dough roll and cut out slightly smaller circles (a large biscuit or round cookie cutter usually works).  Layer two to three of these smaller circles on top of each of the muffins to create a lid for your pot pies.  Bake in a 350 degree oven for 17 to 20 minutes.  Remove and carefully use a knife to separate the edges from the tin, then carefully lift the mini pies from the pan.  Here is what it looked like for me:

Muffin cups with pie crust dough

Chicken mixture added

top layers of dough

finished product

 

Day 246: 5/14/12 - "Gravity"

"Set me free, leave me be

I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall

I'm just the way I'm supposed to be..."

-"Gravity" by Sara Bareilles

Fresh is Best:  I revamped my strawberry cupcakes with strawberry frosting.  Instead of pureeing the strawberries for the frosting, I chopped them into small chunks and then mixed them in after I had already made the buttercream.  I had a little trouble piping them since the frosting had chunks of strawberries in it, but the color is great and the flavor was nice and fresh!  I hope it stays that way - I'm not sure what will happen after they are refrigerated for a day.  I suspect that a day is all they will last.  I also made a lemon cupcake with a lemon buttercream. I may have overdone the lemon slightly, but it was super tangy and I really like it that way.  It makes up for the fact that the cake itself is flavored more subtly with the lemon.  I'm discovering that though it is tougher to determine consistency, etc., the flavors are much better when you use fresh ingredients.  No dyes to create the color of the cupcakes themselves, or the icing.  No puddings to get the strawberry flavor (if you want strawberry, make it with strawberries, not some flavoring that has all kinds of non-strawberry items in it!).

Strawberry Cupcakes

Lemon Cupckaes

Someone Else's Pain: Tonight I know I won't sleep but not because of my own pain or issues that I'm dealing with, but because of someone else's pain.  I waited to see remorse or any inkling of care for the upheaval they were causing today and saw none of it.  It was almost as if they didn't care at all.  I'm not cut out to be that cut throat or uncaring about someone else.  I don't fit in here - it's time to listen to my heart and go where it can be happy.

Day 245: 5/13/12 - "Not Ready to Make Nice"

"Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round..."

-"Not Ready to Make Nice" by The Dixie Chicks

Blindsided: It's funny how some thing sneak up on you that you think you've put away in the past.  That happened today as I was walking over to the store.  It just hit me that I was angry about things that happened to me when I was younger.  I can say that I am over what happened but it definitely looks like it can still anger me.  I think its more about the repercussions of what happened, how my life has turned out as compared to theirs.  I know that life is unfair - I don't care about that.  But I don't have to be happy about the fact...

Silence is Golden: I just don't want to talk today.  I don't want to hear about how well your life is going...it will only remind me of how badly mine is going.  I don't want to hear about your love life, your family, your job, your car, your house, your happiness.  I don't want to hear about you.  Is that selfish of me?  Yes, but stop and think about all of the conversations we've had.  Weren't they all about you?  Maybe the selfish one is not me, but rather you.  Don't call me...I don't want to talk right now.  Don't e-mail me, I don't have the time to respond.  Don't text me, I just don't care right now.  Maybe I will again one day, but right now I just...don't...care...

Day 244: 5/12/12 - "Bottle It Up"

"Only thing I ever could need, only one good thing
Worth trying to be and it's

Love

I do it for Love..."

-"Bottle It Up" by Sara Bareilles

Better Late Than Never: I've always known that my father loved my mother with all of his heart, but my father isn't known for his emotional intelligence or for being able to talk about his emotions.  He tells me he loves me without any trouble - I'm his daughter and that makes sense to him. But in all the time he was with my mom, he never said those words to her.  They've been on again, off again for some time now and lately they are back on again...that's another story.  This story is about the phone call I got tonight where my mom asked me very cryptically what I thought my father had just said to her.  I said I didn't have a clue.  She said she had asked him why the hell he had put up with her all of these years.  His response?  "Because I love your ass, that's why."  Not eloquent or sweet, but definitely overdue and just like my dad.  Definitely better late than never, and I hope I find someone some day that says the same thing to me...even if not in so many words.  Good luck mom and dad, I love you both.

Dreading Tomorrow: Though I love my mother very much and hope she has a wonderful day tomorrow, I'm also dreading the day as I have for the last 10 years or so.  I try not to go anywhere public because people insist on saying Happy Mother's Day to me, though I have no children.  It makes me sad because I want children and always thought I would have at least one child by now.  It's another holiday where I'm reminded that I'm alone and just how much I've failed at my own life goals.  I know in my heart that never being a mother does not make me less of a woman, but I can't help feeling that way.  I wish others would understand that and refrain from breaking my heat with their words...

Day 243: 5/11/12 - "The Remedy (I Won't Worry)"

"When I fall in love,
I take my time
There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind
You can turn off the sun,
but I'm still gonna shine and I'll tell you why...

Because

The remedy is the experience,
This is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy, is that it's serious.
This is a strange enough new play on words
I said the tragedy is how you're gonna spend,
The rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I won't worry my life away..."

-"The Remedy (I Won't Worry" by Jason Mraz

Worrisome: I spent a long night unable to sleep due to the actions of others only to have their plans thwarted...at least for a few days.  I plan to go into this weekend with a sense of purpose and actually get some things done.  But I also plan to accomplish a few things for me this weekend, even if all I do is my laundry!  How does that help me? It will keep me from running around naked, for one.  And I'll get some of my favorite clothes back, and stop having to dig into the back of my closet.  Monday will be here soon enough...I need to enjoy what time I have now.

Just Got Paid...Sort of!  My friend/colleague already paid me for the cake I made (I told her to wait, but she insisted).  I won't say how much she gave me but I will say that I think she overpaid me.  But she wouldn't let me give her any change back.  So I'll have to find another way to sneak some money to her (I'm creative, I'll figure it out!).  But it was nice to actually make the cake, decorate and deliver it.  I almost felt like a true baker for a moment there!

It's All In What You Say: I've been torn about a relationship I've sort of been in for a while now.  I had finally made the decision to just stop everything - I didn't feel it was working for me and I was tired.  Then they asked me why - really asked me why and I told them.  Then I asked them to answer a serious question for me - I asked them why me?  For the first time they actually answered me truthfully - no games, no jokes, no playing around, no trying to sound glib or cool.  A truly insightful, deep response.  What do I do now?  I take time to digest their words and I admit that I may need to reevaluate my decision to not give us a try...and wonder if now it is too late because of me.  Relationships just aren't easy, are they?

Day 242: 5/10/12 - "Sweeter"

"I just wanna take

Someone else's holiday

Sometimes the grass is greener

And someone else's sugar

Someone else's sugar's

Sweeter...."

-"Sweeter" by Gavin DeGraw

Guilt Ridden: I've always said that I would prefer to know something rather than be blindsided by a piece of information.  But now I'm starting to see the benefits of plausible deniability.  And the guilt that comes with knowing something but not being able to do anything about it is still guilt, which means it still lingers and eats at you and keeps you from sleeping, or eating, or whatever it is you do in response.  I won't sleep well tonight and I won't sleep well over the weekend, and I won't sleep well for at least 10 more days.  Even when you know you didn't do anything wrong, that you didn't cause something to happen, it doesn't absolve you from the guilt you feel as a human. On one level I'm glad I feel this way because if I didn't, then I'd know that I had finally hit that point of not caring about anyone or anything.  Now, how to get over the imagine guilt I feel for a fantasy I've been having for about a year now.  Yes, I dreamed about it, thought it up, and hoped against all hope that it would happen - knowing full well that it would never happen. Now I'm one step closer to that fantasy than I ever thought I would get and I feel pretty damn guilty about it.  I didn't cause this step to happen (my dreams, and hopes, and wishes don't have that kind of power), but it has happened and I feel responsibility for the sadness that is involved with my happiness.

Crazy Cake: So I finished the cake commissioned by my colleague (that is a lot of Cs).  I'm not sure how I feel in the long run.  On one hand I think I executed very well.  But on the other I feel as if I didn't do my best or that I at least have a lot to learn (and I need to practice) to be better.  But I do think I did a pretty nice job considering I have no training, am self-taught, and don't have the type of kitchen or tools that I really need to do this professionally.  I've told the person to pay me what they think they cake is worth.  I honestly think they could just have it for free - it needs work.  But I do need to at least recoup my supplies.  But I do hope they still like it!  Here are the pics of the process and the final product.

The cake halves with buttercream between them...

Peanut Butter Buttercream...a lot of it!

Separating out the Reese's Pieces

Iced the Cake...

Graduation cap piped on.

Vanilla buttercream colored as orange as I could get it!

Added the tassel and the wording...

Added some stars around the top

Added Reese's pieces and a bottom border

Close up of the Reese's Pieces

Another view of the Reese's Pieces on the sides.

Day 241: 5/9/12 - "A Change Would Do You Good"

"A change,

Would do you good,
I think a change,
Would do you good...

I've been thinking 'bout catching a train,
Leave my phone machine by the radar range,
"Hello it's me, I'm not at home,
If you'd like to reach me, leave me alone"

-"A Change Would Do You Good" by Sheryl Crow

Some Change is Good!  Some news comes to you and you file it away for later use.  Other news comes to you and you immediately feel and see the impact it has on you and on others. Today was a day like that as both types of news were heard today.  What it will truly mean will depend on how others respond to it, but I, at least, am left with both good and bad feelings about the future.  This is one time we'll just have to wait and see.

Cake Baking - Day 1: Today I baked both the chocolate and vanilla cakes for the cake I'm making.  What did I learn during this process?  That my chocolate cake recipe is better for cupcakes and too moist for larger cakes (though it will still work).  My vanilla cake is ideal for this type of cake (a little thicker than most cakes but still moist and soft).  I made up a batch of peanut butter buttercream and halved both cakes.  They are now cooling in the fridge and waiting for tomorrow.  Tomorrow I will be making the rest of the buttercream and the decorating icing for the rest of the cake.  Wish me luck on this one - pictures of the process and the final product will be shared!

Day 240: 5/8/12 - "New Soul"

"I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake"

-"Yael Naim"

Bait: I dangled some bait today for someone and now I'll sit back and watch and wait to see if they take it.  Why am I setting bait?  Because someone is passing along information that they should be keeping to themselves and I need to know who it is.  Being careful and not talking to anyone is not the best way for me to respond, since I need to keep and build relationships.  But I do need to know whom I should be wary of since their actions will impact my ability to do my job.  It will also show me if I need to avoid this person outright - if they are uncaring enough to set me up to fail, then I need to make sure I don't give them the opportunity or the satisfaction.  Fingers crossed that they don't take the bait - I'd rather be wrong about this one.

Clothing Sizing: Usually I have issues with clothing being too small for me.  I ordered a new suit from Long Tall Sally and their size 14 fits like a 16!  Now, I could sit here and say, "I could have lost some serious weight!" but I know for a fact that my other clothes in 14 fit just fine.  I hate that I have to pay to send it back but no reason to keep a suit you can't wear.  The pants didn't even come with belt loops so I couldn't even try to wear them.  They were nice and long though (which I loved!).  But at least I now realize why the suit jacket didn't look quite right - it was a little too big around the ribcage (go figure!).  No time to reorder so I'm going to just return it and work with the other suit that I have.  Not preferred but it fits well enough!

Good Karma: One of my coworkers has some seriously good karma coming her way.  I was mentioning how I needed to go to the store to pick up a new decorating tip for the cake I'll be making and she gave me her $10.00 off coupon for Sur La Table!  I couldn't believe it!  I was able to get two tips, a set of cupcake liners, and a cupcake corer (something I've wanted for a while) and it only cost me $2.  How will I repay her?  Of course she'll get some cupcakes, but I'll also give her my $10 coupon when it shows up - it's only fair!

Day 239: 5/7/12 - "Fell On Black Days"

"Whatsoever I've feared has come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off became my life
Just when everyday 

Seemed to greet me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Cause I fell on
Black days

I fell on black days

Whomsoever I've cured I've sickened now
Whomsoever I've cradled I've put you down
I'm a search light soul they say 

But I can't see it in the night
I'm only faking
When I get it right
Cause I fell on
Black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate

So what you wanted to see good 

Has made you blind
And what you wanted to be yours 

Has made it mine
So don't you lock up something 

That you wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No not tying

I sure don't mind a change
But I fell on 

Black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate..."

-"Fell On Black Days" by Soundgarden

Baking Success and Failure: So after having others taste test .my Reese's Pieces Cream Filling, I can announce that it was both a success and failure.  It as a success in terms of the taste - everyone thinks it does taste like Reese's Pieces, but it won't be used in the case. Why?  The color is a failure!  By the time you puree the three different colors of the Reese's Pieces and then heat them up on the stove, you end up with this odd orange/brown color...which, though tastes great, is just not visually appealing enough to slap on what I plan to make into a beautiful cake.  So we are going to just go with buttercream (which is fine!).  And besides, my peanut butter buttercream is lip smacking good! But I am back to this idea of creating cupcakes with all of these different Cream Fillings and selling them.  I was wondering what crushed oreos would bring to the mix?  Or 'Nilla Wafers?  Anything that is not inherently meltable would likely work.  Chocolate chips wouldn't work unless I was going for a chocolate cream filling.  I'm thinking more in terms of recreating the things that we don't necessarily think of having as a cream filling.  I'll keep creating and maybe turn it into a business plan.  But I have to get good at the execution!

When Will They Learn?  I'm awaiting final word on how to proceed with something at work and though they are checking with the experts, I can't help thinking that this is definitely one of those "traps" of their own making.  They created this issue with their policy changes (changes that did not make any sense in the first place) and now we are all swimming around in the muck.  I want out of the muck....I want a chance to clean up and start over without feeling as if I have been sullied by the actions of others.  Why do they keep doing things that impact me negatively and expect me to just go with it?  Everyone has their breaking point and also the point where they start to feel as if I'm doing something ethically wrong.  I'm starting to feel as if I'm walking that line right now.

Day 238: 5/6/12 - "All I Really Want"

"Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate...

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice...

What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred..."

-"All I Really Want" by Alanis Morissette

New Shoes: I always worry when I buy new shoes online because I never know if they are going to fit or not.  I got lucky this time with a pair of navy blue mary jane's from Long Tall Sally.  I love the style and the heel isn't too high for me to walk in for a while.  It also has a nice double band instead of single across the foot.  I just need to find something to wear them with so that I can break them in!  I'll also trust Long Tall Sally in the future for size at least because of this purchase.  What I didn't like was the fact that the right shoe was scuffed!  It's only on the inside but you could clearly tell that the right shoe was either worn or was likely the display shoe.  Since the scuff is on the inside (instep) I won't bother sending them back because it would take too long to replace them (if I even could since they tend to have limited shoes in my size).  Now I just have to wait for the suit I ordered to show up.  Not sure why they didn't arrive together but I'll call the company tomorrow if I don't see something.

Day 237: 5/5/12 - "What Hurts the Most"

"What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

and not seeing that loving you

Was what I was trying to do."

-"What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts

Saturdays Are Dangerous:  Saturdays give me time to think and I'm finding this to be dangerous.  At least while I'm at work I have things that I 'm focused on and things I'm trying to produce.  But at home, with so many hours left for me to exist in, I find myself thinking too much.  Most of those thoughts are dangerous as well, because they don't have the focus that I need.  I think about possibilities and the future (which is dangerous).  I think about the past and negative consequences of my decisions.  This is even after I've tired myself out from two hours in the fitness center.  I need to find some way to be more productive on the weekends while at home.  I want to do something other than clean as well.  Maybe I'll find a new hobby - it's getting hot and knitting is not comfortable when it's over 90 degrees outside.

Day 236: 5/4/12 - "Edwin McCain"

"Does it seem that time works against us

Or does it just march on and on and on

Sometimes it drives me crazy...

-"Thirty Pieces" by Edwin McCain

Life is Just Unfair Sometimes: Today was one of those days where I saw the unfairness of life and could only shake my head.  Part of me understands that life can't always be fair to everyone - that's just not the way it is.  There will always be illness, and sickness, and death, and bad decisions made by others.  But there is always a strong part of me that does not want to accept this - who at least wants to eliminate the impact caused by those bad decisions.  I'm left to clean up the mess only partly of my own making while others simply continue doing what they've always done.   For once I'm not referring to myself when talking about the unfairness of life.  Contrary to the melancholy bent of my posts lately, I do know that I'm not the only person who feels they got the short end of the stick.  I also know that I'm far better off than many people and that things could be much, much worse....

Heart Broken By Reality:  I've had my heart broken so many times that I know it won't ever go back together.  Today, as I walked around the grocery store, I saw scene after scene of couples shopping together, mothers with kids, fathers with kids, mothers and fathers with kids.  And I see the possibility of that continuing to slip further and further away.  I try to make myself feel better about it - I wouldn't be a good wife anyway.  And I'd be a terrible mother.  I know both aren't true, but I try to lie to myself so that I at least have a reason to get out of the bed in the morning.  Without that I would want to hide from the world - unable to take the pity in the eyes of those around me who would see the failure that I am.  The day I reach pity level is the day I have leave and start over.  I can take disdain, anger, dislike, and indifference...but I can't take pity...

Day 235: 5/3/12 - "Unwritten"

"I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned...

No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten...

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

The rest is still unwritten "

-"Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield

Ain't It Funny?  It took me getting angry to finally see things more clearly.  Today I was calm - not angry at all, but very determined.  I'm heading for a showdown and one way or the other, things are going to get straightened out.  I have a tough road to travel but addressing this head on is the only way for me to go.  I can't continue with the way things are and I can't allow this person to continue to hurt others as well.  They need to realize just what their actions are doing - and either back off or run the risk of alienating and losing at least two good employees.  I'm in limbo at the moment and this is scary for me because I don't know how things will work out.  There is the potential for a remedy and clarification.  But there is even greater potential for a disaster (for myself and my career). But either way, I'm done here...

Order Up!  I got my first baking order since I moved to San Antonio.  I'm super excited about it and I've already mocked up the design.  It will be a chocolate and vanilla sheet cake with peanut butter buttercream and some Reese's Pieces or decoration.  It's a friend's husbands graduation cake and I hope I can do it justice.  I also get to make the box to carry it in (that should be super fun!).  I could also buy one but I like arts and crafts, so I will likely make it.  I won't post the mock up picture since it has not been approved.  But I'll post the pictures of the cake once I get it done!

Day 234: 5/2/12 - "Hopeless"

"I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change around me...
Why do things have to change

But you don't need my pictures on your wall
You say you need no one
And you don't need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one
Is anybody waiting at home for you
'Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's
Anybody waiting at home for you
'Cause it's time that will tell this tale

You're in and out up and down
Wonder if you're lost or found...

I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change..."

-"Hopeless" by Train

Why Do You Have to Be Angry All the Time?  I asked myself this question today when I finally made it home from work.  I asked it because between yesterday and today, I spent nearly every waking moment either angry, frustrated, or both.  I also spent most of the day with a headache, heartburn, and a stomach ache.  I have no doubt it was due to the emotions I was trying to control.  I spent two hours in a meeting biting my lip, averting my eyes, and generally trying not to scream in anger...only to have someone ask me if I was feeling alright.  My response.  "I'm fine."  I wouldn't have told them even if it were otherwise...But this isn't about why I was angry - it would take me two posts to detail that and I'm not in the mood to rehash things that would only take me back to that dark place I was in today.  Instead I'm focusing on what I plan to do to eliminate days like the past two days.  If I don't want to spend my life angry (and likely shorten my life), then I need to do something about the things causing the anger.  In my case that means re-evaluating parts of my life that I have control over.  There are things that you cannot control and I know this better than most.  But I can control how long I let some things impact me and I can refuse to let certain individuals have control over my life at all.  I want to look in the mirror and see myself smile again...truly smile despite all that has gone wrong in my life.  I had reached a point where I was okay with the person I was.  That's not true anymore.  I'm on a mission to find that person again, and to hell with anyone who thinks they have the right to get in my way.

Removing Ingredients May Be Hazardous to Your Baking!  I was attempting to make a slightly healthier cupcake tonight and failed only slightly.  They baked up nicely, but more like a bread than a cupcake.  They also stuck to the bottom of the paper (which annoys me to no end!), but they were edible.  I'll have to try 1/2 sugar next time since I think that is what caused the sticking.  But it could be the lack of oil as well (which tends to cause sticking too). 

Day 233: 5/1/12 - "Ignition"

"Sometimes you gotta pull the car over

To the side of the highway

Break down, kill the motor and cry

Sometimes you gotta try to keep living

Put the key in the ignition

And start your life over again"

-"Ignition" by Matt Stillwell"

The Urge to Scream: Have you ever just had the urge to stop and scream in complete frustration?  I had this sensation today, not once...not twice...but three times!  The first time came when I e-mailed a question to someone and they responded to a different question.  I reread my question and there is no way that they should not have been able to figure out what I was asking.  It happens more and more with this person and I find myself having to rewrite e-mails or reword everything I ask them - so much extra work!  The second time was similar, when I e-mailed someone and asked them a straight forward question and the response I got back was a flat out "no."  So I e-mailed them back and asked them the question again, with an example of what I meant, and they e-mailed me that they would look into it.  They later responded that it could be done.  I wasn't upset that it took them some time to get an answer - I could have waited longer.  But the initial "no" without even trying made me so angry!  And the final straw were the two e-mails that came this afternoon.  One was a week late - sorry, don't need that answer anymore.  The other one was a blatant "I'm checking up on you because I've been told to, but I'm going to try to make it sound like it was my idea and that it is just something to help me out."  BS!  I know exactly what you are doing - I'm not stupid or blind, though you and a few others seem to think that I am.  Yes, by the time I was done with my late night chat shifts, I was ready to scream...I hope that sensation goes away tomorrow because I'm in for a long day....