The Reality (or Hope) in the Dream

I've had vivid dreams before, some scary, some funny, some sad.  I've had a few that were so realistic that I work up crying or in pain from a dream fall. But usually my dreams are a mixed up jumble of people I know, places I've been, and things I wish would happen or things that have happened.  Also, I am rarely truly myself in my dreams.  I'm either seeing through someone else's eyes or I'm an inaccurate version (age, weight, physical abilities, etc). of my self.  Last night I had a dream that was vivid, visceral, and accurate in location and characters, including myself - I was who I am and how I am now.

Before I tell you about the dream, I have to provide a little background.  So, there is this guy (I know, isn't there always?) that I'm very much interested in.  Though he's sort of indicated that he might be interested in, he hasn't actually taken that final step to ask me out, etc.  So I've been wondering (of course) what might be holding him back.  The usual thoughts (he's married, or dating someone; he doesn't want to date a black woman; I'm too tall; he doesn't really like me) have all gone through my head.  But apparently my dream world decided to make up a whole other story...one that was convoluted and detailed and makes sense (in my dream world).  But it wasn't the story that stuck with me from this dream, but just how real it actually was.

The Dream: I'm at work (where I work now, including the set up of book overflow that are in my office) and I'm going out into the hallway to leave the suite, but he walks in...carrying two young boys (3 year old twins...not sure how I know this, I just do).  He sets them down and tells me that the reason he hadn't asked me out was because he wasn't sure how I would feel about his having two children from a previous relationship.  He also explained that he was wary about bringing new people into their lives, especially women.  I, of course, immediately go to the kids and start talking to them.  They are adorable, though not identical (again, the detail is astounding).  Their names were Kyle and Avery (yep, they had names).  I spend time bonding with the boys (they take to me quickly!).  And the next thing I know, the guy and I are a couple! (I know, talk about dream world).  He grabs me in a huge hug and swings me around my office (knocking books off - I even see the dust fly into the air).  Then the boys start talking about their playroom and how much they want me to see it.  The guy nods and says that of course I can come over to his beautiful house and see the kids' playroom (I have been deemed safe to see where he lives).  He then hands me his phone and says, "I need your phone number."  I actually feel the phone and see myself entering my number.  Then the boys want me to take a picture with them so that it will be on their dad's phone.  The dream ends with him telling the boys that its time to go and that he'll call me later.  I'm sitting in my desk chair and he comes over to say goodbye, kissing me right on the lips and then they are gone.  I then turn to find my colleagues all standing around and smiling and laughing at me (as they would in real life).  And then another person who sort of knows what is going on is there and I'm thinking him for his help in getting the guy to come there and actually move forward.

So, the remaining odd things:

1. Normally when I dream of people, even people I know, something about them is distorted. Their voices aren't right, or I can't see their faces (I usually can't see their faces, which can be scary).  But my mystery guy was as clear as day to me.  I could see his smile and his eyes, his face was as clear as it woudl be if he had been standing next to me right now.  When he hugged me I felt his strength and his arms.  When the kids were sitting on my lap I felt their weight.  I could even feel the softness of their hair.  I mentioned that I could feel the cell phone in my hands, the weight and the buttons.  The glow of the numbers as I typed in my phone number.
   
2.  The fact that my office was as it is now.  The fact that I was actually in Miami, in my office, and I looked like it does now.  The fact that the hallway out of the reference suite was exactly as it should be.  The fact that I could see my colleagues faces and for once the only colleagues there were the ones who were supposed to be there.  Usually I have people from my past (friends and foe) showing up in my dreams and I realize right away that I am in a dream and that its not real.

I think it's the fact that everything was so accurate that struck me as odd, because I usually realize I'm in a dream and get very disappointment.  But this time, the dream felt so real, that I didn't get that feeling of disappointment.  Of course, it did come later, when I woke up and realized I was dreaming. But at least the dream was allowed to continue on without me trying to wake up because I know that its just a dream.

Here's to hoping that some of it will come true (I won't tell you which parts I want to be true).  And here's to hoping I have more pleasant dreams (instead of my usual nightmares) tonight.=

What Now?

I have test anxiety.  I had forgotten this fact, probably because its been ten years since I last took a test of any consequence, and longer than that since I took a really difficult test.  Today I took the GRE for the 2nd time and my issues started before I even left the house as the symptoms of test anxiety kicked in the night before: sleeplessness, headache, racing heart, nausea, upset stomach, and shakiness.  I only got worse upon waking and realizing that I had no time to do any final review.  I managed to leave the house 20 minutes later than planned, but that was better than not leaving at all.  I even found the location on the first try (which is a miracle for Miami).  By the time I got into the office I was actually feeling confident.  I had memorized all of my formulas and I knew how to use them.  I was actually feeling a little more relaxed by the time I checked in and was taken to my seat.

The first part of the test (the essays) weren't great, but I didn't feel too bad about them.  Of course since that grade won't show up til later, I could be suffering from false confidence in terms of my writing skills.  By the time the first hour was up I was ready to go right into the quantitative section.  Then my bubble was burst.  I found myself skipping questions (with the idea of coming back to the "hard" ones later).  To my mind, they were all hard and I didn't know how to solve any of them.  None of my formulas applied and I felt that I was being asked questions that I had not studied how to answer.  I was nearly in tears by the time the section was over, which did not bode well for my ability to actually figure out the next section, which was verbal.

At this point I had an option to take a break, but by then I just wanted out of that room, so I skipped the break and went right into the next quantitative section, which was just as bad as the first one and only added to my deflated feeling.  I slid right into the 2nd verbal and then realized that I had to finish with one more quantitative.  I can't tell you how hard it was for me not to hit "cancel" my scores and not send them out to anyone.  I really didn't want to even see what I had scored on either section because I knew it would be bad.  Thankfully I couldn't even write it down since you can't take paper out of the testing center.  I managed to check out without bursting into tears, but it was a near thing.  I made it to my car and looked at the time and saw that I had just spent 4 hours in what I would define as a personal hell.

I don't know what my test scores will do to my quest to get into a Ph.D. program.  Most people would tell me that the scores aren't the only thing and I know this.  But I'm looking at 3 high level programs that have very high standards.  Mediocre isn't good enough.  I'm not good enough.  I'll have to write the best admissions statement for each of them that I can, and I'll have to hope that my 3 references write beautiful letters for me.  Then I'll have to hope that my ten years of career experience and my transcripts at least keep me in the running.

I was one mouse click away from just giving up today.  I'm not sure how I managed to not click the cancel button when my head kept saying "cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel" over and over. My heart must have told me something else.  I'm not sure I can trust my heart though - I'm reminded of a favorite song:

"Foolish heart hear me calling
Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart heed my warning
You've been wrong before,
Don't be wrong anymore."

I'll thank my Sirius satellite for playing songs that spoke for me as I drove home, fighting tears the entire way.  The first song that came on?  "If you're going through hell, keep on going" by Rodney Atkins.  Apropos?  I thought so.  That song was followed by "I Hold On" by Dierks Bentley.  I'd never heard the song before and it wasn't the lyrics so much as the title that caught my attention, but I found it fitting as well.  I could go on - there were other songs that the radio blessed me with on the way home that really hit me hard.

As I sit here now trying to make sense out of today, the test, my life, my future, my failures, my hopes, my dreams...I find that I'm back to feeling lost again.  I've felt lost before - it's not a good feeling to have.  People keep throwing out lifesavers for me but I don't actually want them - I don't want to be pulled back into the things that are only hurting me more.  I don't want to be held close to the things that eat me up inside.  I want to let it all go - need to let it all go, but I don't have that option.  So I'm in limbo, lost, floating in nothingness as I try to figure out which direction to go. 

So, what now? 

Turtle Watching

As I walk into work each day, I pass a large pond that is right outside of the library.  The pond has been overflowing the last few days due to the large amount of rain we've gotten, and its been odd to see small trees underwater (though as the pond recedes, they don't seem any worse for wear).  Usually the birds (egrets, etc.) are out and about around the pond, but the marsh like ground seems to be keeping them away.  What the extra water has also done, though, is bring out the turtles in full force!  You see them sticking their little heads out of the pond and then you see nearly a dozen sunning themselves on the banks.  Not sure why the change in weather has caused this, but they are fun to watch.

Turtles get a reputation as being slow creatures and for the most part I think this is true. But some of the turtles here like to go racing through the grass, fast enough to startle anyone walking by.  Why?  Because all you see if this reptilian head and fast movement (high grass) and your first thought is "snake."  But after a quick glance you realize that its a turtle and that he's running full speed through the grass - sprinting towards the water.  It's a fun site, one that even the students will often stop to watch.  I don't take much pleasure or joy out of the days here in Miami, but watching the turtles and the birds has become a pleasant past time.  I just wish there were other things here to make me want to stick around.  I can see turtles and birds in lots of place (even a crazy 50's style diner in Las Vegas).

Three days...three hours...three minutes...three seconds...

It's been a rough few days for me.  I didn't tell many people, but today I went in to have a colonoscopy and an endoscopy done because I've been having a lot of trouble with my digestion.  Needless to say, having to spend your weekend preparing for that pretty much ruins your weekend. On top of wondering (and worrying) about what they would find, I was reminded in a very blatant way just how alone I am down here.  Yes, I have made a couple of friends at work, but they have lives (and children), so we don't "hang out."  I had to ask one of them to take time out of her day to come and get me and take me to my appointment since they won't let me drive (if she hadn't been going to work late because she was teaching, I would have been taking a taxi).  But since she was working late, she couldn't leave to pick me up, so I had to do a general call of my librarians and ask one of them if they could come and get me.  Only a couple live near me, and only one volunteered.  I hated to have to ask and just asking made me feel so lonely down here.

But what made it worse?  I had to call her once I was done and when I told the nurses that she could not leave work until 4pm (I was done at 3pm), they asked me if I had anyone else who could come get me because they were usually closing up at 3:30pm.  I almost burst into tears because I had to tell her "no, I don't have anyone else who can come and get me).  I was sorely tempted to just get up and leave, and to hell with their rules, but even I'm not that crazy (coming out of anesthesia, you may feel normal, but walking long distances in the Miami humidity wouldn't exactly do me any good).

I need to go home.  I need to go back to where my family is near, so that if I need something I know I have someone to ask.  I'm trying to not let this drop me back down into the pit I was in a few weeks ago, but the slope is very slippery.  And when you get real-world reminders (and not just the demons in your head) of just how alone you are, it can be very difficult to maintain your footing.  I hope I can sleep on it tonight - I suspect I'll sleep well with the remnants of the anesthesia and the lack of sleep from last night) - and wake up tomorrow thankful to have another day.

The results of my tests?  Nothing wrong other than some bleeding in my stomach (small amounts and he could not see a cause), and some polyps that he plans to biopsy, though he says they didn't look back - just being cautious.  I'm glad to hear this news, but worried that he saw no obvious reasons for my continued illness.  It leads me to believe that I've been right all along about stress being the ultimate culprit.  But how do I fix that?

March Wrap Up: Vegas Trip

As I wrap up my March in Miami, I get to reflect on a number of things, including my trip to Las Vegas.  But let me start elsewhere:

• Songwriting Course: For a free online course, this one has been challenging, but also enlightening.  I've learned so much about writing songs and I still have two more weeks to go.  This week we get to write a full song, which is exciting.  I've already started three different songs that I'm excited about.  I hope I can accomplish what I've set out to do.  I will say that I will continue to work with Coursera - the courses so far have all had potential.  Up next?  I might have to take Calculus!  I get to post my songs on a site called Soundcloud - which makes it easy to only share them with those I want to hear them. 
  
• Vegas Vacation: Okay, so it wasn't really a vacation, but it was some time away.  I can honestly say I don't care for Vegas.  I found it to be a true den of depravity, but what's new?  Too much smoke, too much noise, too much drinking.  Definitely not the place for me!  I'll post some of the postable pictures at the end of this. 
  
  My travel to get there was very interesting:
• Flight from FLL to LAX
• Free shuttle from LAX to Metro Station
• Green Line to Blue Line to Red Line to Union Station
• Amtrak to Oceanside
• Reverse and repeat on the way back.
  
•  On The Road Again: Looks like I'm going to be on the move again - I'm sad to say that, but it is true.  But I've got to really make a decision that will work for me for a long time because I am truly tired of moving!  You've got to admit that I'm pretty good at it but I don't like it.  And I'm done with my "career".  I need to find a new one and find my passion.  I will become something I want to be!

 

Insulting Compliments

Today I had the chance to speak with the Faculty Senate Steering Committee about an idea near and dear to my heart: Information Literacy.  We wanted to talk to them about supporting our idea of having information literacy be stranded throughout the core curriculum.  I had a presentation ready, but didn't have that much time, so I went with a brief description, shared a handout and opened the floor for questions.  After about 5 minutes, I left feeling as if I had done well and that we had received the support of this group.

Then someone else who was in that meeting stopped by to chat as it was near quitting time, and he told me that the committee had really liked me and that they thought I was very eloquent.  I was glad they liked me and yes, glad I had come across as eloquent, but it wasn't the word that bothered me - it was how it was put.  The implication was that the committee was surprised that I was eloquent.  I spoke with someone who has been there longer than myself, and they let me know that it happens all the time.  They were surprised that, as a black woman, I could speak eloquently and intelligently about a topic. 

I was saddened by this.  I've had it happen before, the implied "for a black person" that is silently added to a sentence.  Not everyone hears it, but once you do, you never forget it and it becomes so clear when it continues to happen.  A true compliment would have been if they had said that they were impressed by my knowledge of the topic and my ability to explain it to them.  Am I being overly sensitive?  I don't think I am this time.  There is a pattern and a way of thinking and acting that I've seen before.  You never forget it, though you wish you could.

I hope this post is eloquent enough.  You know, for a black person.

February Wrap Up: Learning to Double Knit

So, since it is officially the 10th of March, I'm past due for a wrap up of February.  It was both an interesting and boring month (I know, shouldn't be possible, but it is!).  Here are the highlights.

Dean Search: We got the chance to interview 2 of the 3 candidates for our Dean position.  I'm continuing to learn a lot about the campus dynamics at my work place.  I'm also learning that though I had hoped it would be different here, there is still this level of unfairness, even corruption, that runs within academia.  Even with the Sunshine Law in Florida, I can't help but feel that things about this search were kept hidden from us.  I think I even know the reason, though I don't agree with it.  I'm saddened by this and managed to remind myself just how much I have grown weary of dealing with the political side of my position.

Man Search:  Ha Ha!  Okay, I had to label it this way, but really, there has been no change.  Again I tried to chat with someone from Match. Again they simply stopped communicating.  This time, they contacted me again a month later but acted as if we had never spoken before.  Oh well, the quality of men on the site is pretty low (or at least, the ones in the Miami area!).  My subscription runs out soon so I'll be on my own again.  That hasn't worked well for me in the past, but its not like I have any other options.

Knitting: Despite opening my ETSY shop, I have made no sales.  I'm not surprised by this, though.  I'm still just really happy to have opened my shop and to be knitting.  I took on my first double knitting challenge and combined it with a challenge to create a zebra print hat.  I'm happy to say that I succeeded.  It took forever!  Okay, it seemed that way, but it does take a long time to double knit anything of size, and I made the hat a little too big.  But it turned out okay for my first try.  I need to work on my technique since my purl stitch is a little loser on "wrong" side.  but the pattern turned out great and I can now say I created my first truly reversible knit hat!

You can see the zebra pattern here.

Front view

Another view

Opposite side (reverse)

zebra pattern on reverse side.

January 2013 Recap

So, I haven't posted in over a month, but a few things have happened recently that have made me realize that I should at least attempt to post something once a month. So here is my monthly recap (plus a few days into February).

Anxiety Attacks: I haven't had one in a long time.  My first one happened when I lived in Knoxville back in 2003.  What am I so anxious about that I wake up crying and shaking?  Dying.  I know that it is because of my lack of faith in the existence of an afterlife that leads to my anxiety.  Those who have found peace and who believe don't stress about the nothingness that I sense.  The nothingness scares me.  I can't imagine not being (though I know that I won't know any different).  I can't force myself to believe, even though I know it would go a long way towards easing my mind.  I can't believe in heaven and hell when I feel that I have experienced one here on earth and would like to experience the other. I also know that this anxiety is also brought on my my loneliness.  I fear being alone...dying alone...I was shaky for nearly 30 minutes this morning.  I have to fight to keep my mind focused so that I don't go back into that dark place.  I can only hope that one day I will find the thing that will give me peace as well.  I need to accept it...no matter what it is.

Love:  Funny, I seem to love others more than they love themselves or me.  Not that I love myself either, so I know how they feel.  But I find myself existing for others, who don't care about themselves, and who do destructive things to themselves.  They don't care that they hurt me with their actions.  They don't see it that way.  I think about others all the time (a failing of mine).  I think about what my actions will do to them.  If I think they will be hurt, I am likely not going to do it.  Or, I'm going to try to find another solution and talk to them about it.  But I watch them self-destruct and it hurts my heart.  I watch them dying (more quickly than they have to), and I struggle for my health.  I do all the right things and still I stay ill.  Its one of those mysteries of life that I just can't explain.

First Steps.  I finally did something for myself.  I opened up an Etsy shop to show my knitting.  I haven't sold anything yet, but it has been exciting to see the interest in my pieces.  I call it Knits by KB and I even designed my own logo! http://www.etsy.com/shop/KnitsByKB.  I don't know if I'll ever sell anything, but I've decided to donate any of the hats that don't sell to the cancer wards.  At least they'll come in handy for those who might be looking for a little bit of fashion.  I need to make some kids' hats as well - not because I want to donate them, but because you can be so much more creative when designing hats for kids.  They will wear just about anything!

Here are the pieces I've made recently:

 

My Resolution

I've had time to think about a lot of things and to learn that regret sometimes hides itself deep within your heart.  I won't be doing daily posts any more.  It was ridiculous of me to think that I would always have something worthwhile to say...or that anyone would care to read it.  I have some tough decisions to make over the coming weeks - none of them will be easy, and some of them won't make sense to anyone but me.  I will continue to post here on occasion - likely when I finish a knitting project.  I won't be doing much baking anymore.  I don't know what this year holds for me, but I can only hope that it turns out better than the last 12.  I have been on a downward spiral that has finally hit the bottom.  I now have to try to climb back up, with no stairs, no ropes, and no help.  I would ask for luck, but I don't believe in it.  So instead, I'll ask for patience and understanding.  If I don't talk to you, call you, e-mail you, write you, post on your FB, tweet you, or contact you in anyway, please don't see it as anything you've done.  I just need to distance myself from some things and I might be more focused internally.  If you need something from me, contact me and I will see it and respond.  If you just want to chat, I might not be open to it.  Again, patience and understanding.  I want to finish this year not regretting how I chose to live it, and no longer regretting my entire life.  I hope to get to that point.