Day 202: 3/31/12 - "You Gotta Be"

"Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together"

-"You Gotta Be" by Des'ree

Too HOT!  I can't believe that it is already almost too hot for me to take my long runs outside now.  I was hoping to at least make it through April before I had to resort to running inside on the treadmill (or getting up so early that the sun is still in bed!).  I like running in the winter time because it is rarely too cold down here for me to not run outside.  And early spring and fall are also great times to hit the sidewalks.  I actually managed a long one today but I was parched before I hit mile 6 and the last 2.5 miles were grueling (though I didn't get sick like I did two weeks ago).

Where Will I Be?  It's funny, but when people have asked me during interviews where I see myself in however many years, and I've found that to be the easiest question to answer.  I've always felt I've known where I would be career-wise.  But today, I tried to ask myself where I thought I would be in a year in my personal life and I came up blank.  I was frightened by this, as I feel I should know what I hope to do in the next year of my life.  I should not only have a clear cut plan but I should have a known destination in mind.  I feel as if I'm moving through my life with blinders on.

Day 201: 3/30/12 - "Do What You Have to Do"

"What ravages of spirit

Conjured this temptuous rage

Created you a monster...

Deep within I'm shaken by the violence

Of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you

I do what I have to do...

And I have sense to recognize but

I don't know how to let you go..."

- "Do What You Have to Do" by Sarah McLachlan

My Something New: I forgot to label my something new from last week, but since I posted about my trip to Houston, I pretty much covered it.  My something new from this week was a visit to La Cantera for some window shopping and (I thought) some food.  But I forgot that it was Friday night and all of the main eateries were packed.  So I stopped at Paciugo and had some black cherry gelato (very good).  I then headed back home but decided to stop at Pasha for dinner (near my apartment).  Again, the Friday night bug got me and when I realized it was truly a sit-down place, I decided to just hit HEB and get one of their meals.  Along the way I swung by the liquor store and picked up some rum (I have this idea for a strawberry daquiri cupcake and I need the rum for that...so don't think I've gone over the dark side and started drinking!).  Unfortunately, I hit HEB too late and they had already packed things up.  I ended up with pre-made sushi rolls, hummus and pita chips, and sweet potato waffle fries.  Definitely not the healthiest meal but I got a nice mixture of things that I like.

I Hate My Big Feet: I need new work shoes and I have an idea of what I want (I'm very picky and I have a bad ankle so I need comfort as well).  I went to the Clark's store and they only had 3 pair for me to even try on.  I don't like buying shoes online because I can't try them on first (some size 12's wear much smaller!).  After an unsuccessful trip to Clark's I went to Dillard's and I couldn't even get any help (I was not happy about being ignored!).  I then tried Macy's and again, no service offered.  I'm beyond pissed about the continued mistreatment I often get at upscale stores.  I get ignored because I don't "look" the part.  But back to my rant about shoes.  Why does it have to be so hard for companies to realize that there are a lot of women who have larger feet.  One store had 10 boxes of size 9's and no other sizes.  So either they bought too many in that size or there aren't enough women with that shoe size in San Antonio.  I hate that I have big feet - I know I need them to be big enough to balance me, but come on!  Big hands, too tall, and cursed with big feet!  I think I got enough crap dumped on me to not deserve to never be able to get shoes! 

Day 200: 3/29/12 - "Do You Sleep?"

"And I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will see you again.
I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will be there."

-"Do You Sleep?" by Lisa Loeb

Sleep is Both Under & Overrated!  So it's been a while since I had to function with very little sleep and today reminded me of how important it is to get sleep.  But I also proved that I could get through the day and stay awake.  I can't say that I was always coherent...or nice...or really that I should have been at work at all.  But I did it and I can only endeavor to try to get some sleep tonight.  Wish me luck!

Answer the Question!  Why do some people simply ignore the question you send them, and either answer a different question (that you did not ask) or give you advice or information that you did not want or need?  This happened to me today and the sad thing about it is that it was more than one person!  I had to send information again and ask the question (again) to finally get an answer.  And please, stop telling me how to do my job!  I know how to run a project and don't need you or anyone else reminding me that I need to set concrete deadlines.  Stop trying to run my life and go run yours!

Day 199: 3/28/12 - "Somebody"

"Keep on looking 'cause maybe who you're looking for is

Somebody in the next car, somebody on the morning train

Somebody in the coffee shop that you walk right by everyday

Somebody that you look at but never really see

Somewhere out there, there's somebody"

-"Somebody" by Mark Wills

Chocolate Banana Cupcakes with Peanut Butter & Vanilla Buttercream: By FB demand I'm posting the recipe and the pictures of the chocolate banana cupcakes that I made last night.  Sorry friends, but I haven't discovered how to post the smell but wish I could - it is simply amazing!  Here's the cupcake recipe, adapted from the Joy of Baking website:

Ingredients:
1 cup sugar
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/3 cup cocoa powder
3/4 tsp baking powder
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1 large egg
2 medium ripe bananas (mashed)
1/2 cup warm water
1/4 cup skim milk
1/4 cup olive oil
3/4 tsp vanilla extract

 Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.  Line 12 cupcake/muffin tins with papers.  In one bowl, combine all of the dry ingredients and set aside.  In another bowl (or your mixer bowl if using a large mixer) combine all of the wet ingredients and whisk.  Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and mix when until combined.  Scoop or pour the batter into the prepared cups.  Bake for 15 to 18 minutes (depending on your oven - mine took 18 and came out perfectly!).

For the buttercream:

1/2 cup unsalted butter at room temperature (1 stick)
1 1/2 - 2 cups powdered sugar
1/2 tbsp boiling water
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup creamy peanut butter

To make the vanilla butter cream, place the butter into the mixer bowl and mix on medium until light and fluffy.  Add the boiling water, the vanilla, and the powdered sugar and mix until buttercream is thick, creamy, and light.  For the peanut butter buttercream, Mix the peanut butter in with the butter until creamy.  Then add the powdered sugar, boiling water, and vanilla.  Each batch makes enough to ice 12 cupcakes thickly, so you may have some left over.  Buttercream freezes well though, so you can save it.  To use it again, allow it to thaw at room temperature for about an hour. Place back into the mixer and whip it until it is smooth again.  Only freeze it once though - once you thaw it out you need to use it all or throw it out.

Awaiting Frosting

Peanut butter icing swirled on top of the vanilla icing

With only vanilla icing

Hats!  I didn't realize when I posted the pic of my friend Jennifer's baby blanket that I didn't include a good picture of the hat I also made, so here it is.  How cute is it?

Day 198: 3/27/12 - "Voices Carry"

"I try so hard not to get upset

Because I know all the trouble I'll get

Oh, he tells me tears are something to hid

And something to fear

And I try so hard to keep it inside

So no one can hear

Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry...

He wants me

But only part of the time

He wants me

If he can keep me in line..."

-"Voices Carry" by Til Tuesday

And There is Even More...It's funny how you go into a meeting expecting a discussion and leave with a more work to do.  My to-do lists are getting entirely too long for me to balance and still get things done in a timely manner.  I'm trying to figure out what I can not do without running into issues.  Something isn't going to be done on time no matter what I do.  Now I have to figure out how to not get into serious trouble when I miss a few deadlines (like maybe 2 or 3...).

Last Minute Baking: I'm getting senile - I forgot I volunteered to bake for tomorrow at work so I just threw together a batch of cupcakes - chocolate banana. The batter was good so I'm guessing the cupcakes are good.  I don't feel like eating a chocolate cupcake tonight so I'll just have to hope for the best.  I'll make the buttercream tomorrow - don't want it to get old in the fridge overnight.  I'll post pictures tomorrow when they are complete - no need to have half -done cupcakes pictured!

Day 197: 3/26/12 - "Neon Moon"

"Watch your broken dreams

Dance in and out of the beams

Of a neon moon"

-"Neon Moon" by Brooks & Dunn

Some Things Come as a Complete Surprise: Sometimes things happen that catch you completely off-guard.  I've got mixed feelings about some news I received today.  While one part of me is feeling the stress related to the news, another part of me sees the possibilities.  That I didn't see it coming isn't a surprise, though I also look back and realize that there were signs that I can now attribute to what is happening.  What does this mean for future decisions?  How will this impact my own life?  I don't know but it will be interesting to find out.

The Me Generation: I read a short article in the Chronicle of Higher Education about the "Me Generation."  One of the things the article pointed out was that this group of students doesn't take responsibility for their own actions.  They blame others when something bad happens to them or if they do not perform up to standards.  I also would add that they are not responsible at all.  They have no grasp of what they should do in any professional situation and they make decisions based on unclear rules and regulations.  What does this mean for me and others who work with them?  That we need to work harder to find those few diamonds in the rough who truly need and will accept our help.  The others should just have to take care of themselves!

Day 196: 3/25/12 - "Lonely"

"Do you know what it's like to be lonely?

Do you know what it's like to be blue?

Oh, everyone knows, that's the way it goes

Do you know what it's like to be lonely?"

-"Lonely" by The Black Lillies

Ramifications: Yesterday took its toll.  People ask me why I don't do more - go out, try to have fun, meet people, etc.  Because when I try, all I do is fail in my efforts.  Then I wind up more sad than when I started out.  That is where I'm at today.  I woke up so sad this morning and only got out of bed because I was at the stupid hotel and had to check out.  Some days I wish I could just disappear...go somewhere and just hide away from the world.  Maybe then I would find peace.

Day 195: 3/24/12 - "Same Mistakes"

"I know I’ve hurt you, I know I’ve let you down.
When you needed me I was not around
And I’m sorry for my selfish ways
Please forgive the same mistakes..."

-"Same Mistakes" by The Black Lillies

Seeing Friends - Seeing Enemies: Today was supposed to be a day of complete fun and joy but because its me, of course that didn't happen.  I did get to see some friends today, which was good.  I don't get to spend much time with people that I consider to be true friends, so when it does happen I try to savor it.  It was especially good to see my friend Trisha!  I hopped over to the Monnalisa to listen to her band, The Black Lillies, play.  They held it down in a club full of people who weren't necessarily there for the music.  I could even see a few people who were clearly there to just enjoy the drinking and the atmosphere, tapping their feet and nodding their heads.  The Black Lillies definitely have a sound that I like - and I was pleasantly surprised to hear the bluesy tones coming through.  I'll be downloading some of their music as soon as I get home!  The enemies part of this conversation include myself.  I am my own worst enemy and I need to work on being more supportive to myself.  But there are also a couple of other people in my life who I think of as enemies.  I'm doing my best to push them out because I refuse to have them bring me any lower than I already am.  If your only goal when you are with me or planning to be with me is to try to change me because I don't do "fun" stuff, then move on.  The stuff you see as fun, I see as stupid and immature.

More on the Black Lillies: I was not surprised that I like the Black Lillies - country music speaks clearly to me.  But I was surprised that there were so many songs that I had not heard that spoke so clearly to how I was feeling tonight (and many other nights).  As I listened to some of the words, I could feel emotions rising in me, tears coming to my eyes, as the words hit home.  Music makes me realize just how much I'm not seeing of the world around me.

I Quit: So, I'm standing in a bar that is essentially a club.  I'm wearing a nice dress.  I'm obviously alone.  And the only person who talks to me is another woman, who first complimented me on my dress, and then said that it was a shame that I was by myself.  She then asked me if I liked men or women.  I replied, men - unfortunately.  Why unfortunately?  Because tonight it became even clearer to me that I might be interested in men, but they aren't interested in me.  Doesn't that just leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Day 194: 3/23/12 - "Ghosts of Jackson Square"

"We wish ourselves beautiful

We cry in the night

And it's not the love you fear

But the fall from the heights..."

-"Ghosts of Jackson Square" by Edwin McCain

A Day For Myself: I decided to take Friday off and have a long weekend.  So I headed up to Houston where a lot of my friends were visiting because of a leadership program they are participating in.  The drive itself was fairly uneventful, though once I hit Katy the traffic did pick up and I had to navigate through some pretty bad drivers (but that tends to be the way it is in Texas!).  I actually found the hotel easily enough as well, though when I walked in and said I was checking in, I gave the woman my name and she then asked me "Which hotel?"  And I just looked at her blankly because I was thinking "Do you all do the check in for another hotel as well?"  I finally said "Staybridge" and she said, "Oh, we have people who think this is the Hotel Indigo."  In her defense, they are very close, but really?  The Staybridge and Hotel Indigo look nothing alike!  For those wondering, they have nice suites here with full size fridges, microwaves, dishwashers, dishes, utensils, and an oven.  If you ever need a place to stay for an extended amount of time, you should definitely look at a Staybridge.

Seeing Good Friends: The highlight of my evening was surprising the group of LCDP participants, most of whom did not know I was coming!  I have so many good friends in that group and it was so good to see them all.  And it was also nice to be able to sit and talk with people who know about the issues that I often deal with.  It's not just the understanding that I need, but the ability to actually say it out loud without fear of any repercussions.  I can only hope that Saturday is also a good day! 

Day 193: 3/22/12 - "I'm Stuck With Me"

"Wish I looked a little more like Orlando Bloom

Wish I was DaVinci inventing in my room

A mind like Stephen Hawking

The love of the Nazarene

The presence of Morrison

Or James Dean

Of everyone I wish I could be

I’ve got to find my destiny

And I’m floating my own uncharted sea

Better get used to it

I’m stuck with me

I’d really like to leave the world a Franklin legacy

A Lancelot with skillful sword and chivalry

Conquer Alexander

With Gandhi’s stoic will

Lead like Martin Luther King or Churchill

Of all the things I wish I could be

I cannot change my true destiny

And I’m floating my own uncharted sea

Make the most of it

I’m stuck with me

We all have gifts unopened,

Are a hero in someone’s eyes,

The foundation to be depended upon,

A will as broad as the sky

Have the courage to match Magellan

Make a new discovery

I am the best at something

A thing alone I’m meant to be

Guess it’s fortunate

To be stuck with me

I’m who I must be (that’s alright)

Still I could be better (that’s alright)"

-"I'm Stuck with Me" by Grayscale

Stuck With Me: I heard this song today on Pandora and simply loved it!  Had to do the full lyrics for this post since I couldn't pick just a few lines from this one.  The rhythm was nice too.  Might have to download this one from Amazon!

Tennis: Yay me!  I almost took a set off of my tennis buddy today!  I was down 4-1 and won the next 4 games!  Then I held on to force a tie breaker.  I lost the tie breaker 9-7 but was proud of myself for the way I played.  I came to the net more and hit some nice volleys.  I also took advantage of some short and high shots to hit some winners.  Next goal - to actually win a set!  But I will also say that the set took so long that we only played the one!

Chocolate & Peanut Butter Cupcakes: So I was at it again - making cupcakes for my friends in Houston (heading there tomorrow!).  I made a chocolate and peanut butter cupcake with peanut butter buttercream (which is to die for!).  I had enough peanut butter batter to make just a peanut butter cupcake and I almost threw the chocolate over in favor of these, they were so good!  Peanut butter is one of those things, that when done right, can really satisfy your appetite!

Batter

Baked

Peanut Butter Cupcakes with Peanut Butter Frosting

Chocolate/Peanut Butter Cupcakes with Peanut Butter Frosting

Check out the "Pie" Frosting Pattern!

Day 192: 3/21/12 - "How Do You Get That Lonely"

"How do you get that lonely,

how do you hurt that bad

To make you make the call

That havin' no life at all is better than the life you had

How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go

How do you get that lonely and nobody knows..."

-"How Do You Get That Lonely" by Blaine Larsen

So True...So Scary: This song struck a cord with me on a number of levels.  It also frightened me because it is easy to get lonely.  Though I know I'll never get to the point that this story talks about, the loneliness, the hurt, the empty feeling...all that is very real in my life.  The level changes, sometimes on a daily basis, but it is always there.  I'm glad I have another part of me that is strong enough to get me through those times, but I realize that others do not.  I truly don't understand when people make the choice they do, but I do understand what leads to that choice.  I wish everyone health and clarity...

My Mini-Vacation: I'm off to Houston in two days to see some friends.  One side of me is really excited about the prospect.  The other side of me is so tired that she doesn't want to even think about going anywhere, especially anywhere that requires a 3 hour drive!  But I need this time and I need to learn to take time for myself and to spend time with friends.  I'll have to figure out how I'll pay for the trip in the long run, but I'll manage.  I have to stop begrudging myself, time for me.  Why do I make it so hard on myself?

Day 191: 3/20/12 - "If You Only Knew"

"If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone"

-"If You Only Knew" by Shinedown

Strange Days, Indeed: Today was one of those days that just didn't feel right. I had to go to the doctor this morning, which is what likely threw me off for the whole day.  The only good news?  I dropped 6 pounds, so now I only have 15 to go to be back at my goal weight.  I think I can make it but I'm going to have to work twice as hard as I already am (which doesn't seem possible, but obviously it is).  I got to chat with my doctor who was really nice (and very cute...nice to have a cute doctor!) and we chatted about running and other similar things.  He sent me on my way and said that I only had to come back if I wasn't feeling well - that's the type of diagnosis I prefer!  Then everyone kept dropping in on me at work, and a colleague blew her stack, and printers and scanners were busted.  Needless to say, I was more than ready to come home and hope that I can get some sleep tonight.

Speaking of Sleep: I'm supposed to work on my book every day, but I'm so tired tonight that I fear I'll only get a few lines in before I'm too tired to do more.  But I think that is necessary for me to be able to move forward with the book (and to keep it fresh in my mind).  Wish me luck - I'll try not to mess up because I can't see straight!

Day 190: 3/19/12 - "Got You Where I Want You"

"Hey maybe just a smile
Oh hey do you know that I can dance
Could we talk for a while

I think you're smart
You sweet thing
Tell me your sign
I'm dying here

Ooh got you where I want you
Ooh got you where I want you
Oh yea
Ooh got you where I want you
I want you bad"

-"Got You Where I Want You " by The Flys

Stormy Weather: San Antonio doesn't usually get huge amounts of bad weather, but today we're under a tornado warning.  i find that I'm more frightened of the possibility of tornadoes down here, simply because there are no sirens to help warn me.  If I have my TV on and still have power, then I get an alert.  But what if I don't?  I start to worry that I'd sleep through a major storm.  I have a perfectly safe looking walk-in closet that I could hide in, but that's not where my bed is!  I'll just have to hope for the best and that I wake up in the morning.

My Opportunity to Speak:  I just found out today that I will get my opportunity to speak out against someone who, I feel, has been abusing their position and abusing those of us who work with them.  I know this person is worried about what others say about them, so this situation must be eating at them.  But we all deserve this opportunity and as I always say - if you are living right, then you have nothing to worry about.  Living wrong?  Then may whatever god you pray to have mercy on you, because you'll need it.

Weigh In: Tomorrow I get to find out my current weight.  I know I've dropped some weight because my clothes are fitting better.  But I don't know how this will balance with the muscle I've gained.  I could actually be the same weight but be healthier (which is fine with me).  Don't know if I'll post my weight here.  I'm not ashamed of it, but even I might have to draw the line of posting it on a blog!

Every Night: I have made myself commit to working on Angel of Mercy every day so that I can finish it in a timely manner.  My hope is that I'll finish it by the end of June (and ALA) and then find out if I have enough moxie to actually submit it to a publisher.

Day 189: 3/18/12 - "Something More"

"Thought I found the words to say
Just to get you feeling fine over heels my way
But it don't matter how
I lost the word and nerve and now
There's nothing more for me to say
Feels like I'm wasting my time
Hanging on this same old line
There's nothing left for me to find

And all the more I want
All the more I need
All the while you want something more
All the more I want
All the more I need All the while you want something"

-"Something More" by Train

Chocolate Surprise Cupcakes:  This weekend's baking extravaganza has yielded what I'm calling chocolate surprise cupcakes.  They look like normal chocolate cupcakes until you bite into them and realize they have a vanilla cake middle!  It was so much fun to make them, even though I overdid the batter a bit.  I need to back off on the chocolate and vanilla next time so that they don't rise so much out of the pan!  They are huge!!!!  What I really like best about them is that they were easy to make with the same tried and true recipes I've been working with for a few weeks now.  I finally feel as if I have perfected both my chocolate and vanilla cakes.  Now it is time to branch out and start working on a few other standards.  Also, my flavored buttercream needs work.  I can't seem to get the consistency and flavor right though they are still very much edible!  Here are the pics of today's fun!

Chocolate Cupcake Batter in the Pans

Cupcakes in the oven

Cupcakes fresh out of the oven

Vanilla icing with a dollop of chocolate icing

Vanilla and chocolate icing swirled

More swirling!

You can see the vanilla cake in the middle - I had to try them!

Something New: I realized that last week I didn't really try something new like I had told myself to do every week for the last month or so.  But I did try something new today, so I guess that makes up for it.  I really just want myself to get outside and not sit at home on the weekends feeling sorry for myself.  Today I went to the new Yogurt Zone that is on Blanco and was slightly saddened by the fact that it was completely deserted.  I'm always cognizant of new businesses because I still have my dream to own my own business and I notice the locations that new businesses choose.  I wonder if their location is what will hurt them most because I found them to be less expensive than Orange Leaf  and I also thought that the yogurt tasted better.  I'll see if they are still there in a month and if so, I'll make sure I visit them once a month (my own little personal self-treat!).

A Scary Proposition: I've started contemplating doing something that scares me to the souls of my feet.  I want to ask someone out.  I know, I'm 35 and shouldn't be so freaked out by this, but I've never truly tried before (I've sort of tried before but even I would call those efforts half-assed).  I'm, of course, worried they'll say no, but also worried about them saying yet.  I'm also worried about making things uncomfortable since I sort of consider this person to be a friend.  Now I just need to figure out if it is worth messing things up to also be able to move on.  I've been getting mixed signals from this person for a while now (they even bring me treats randomly) and I'm all about honesty and clearness.  I'll just have to see if I have the courage to try and then go from there.

Day 188: 3/17/12 - "Everything You Want"

"He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why"

-"Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon

Happy St. Patty's Day: St. Patty's Day was today and I decided I would celebrate by making myself green pancakes.  And then I promptly got sick right after eating them (no, it wasn't the pancakes - I was already feeling ill before I ate them).  But of course, the human brain doesn't always allow things like that just go by the wayside, so now I'm in total disgust for this holiday, though it has nothing to do with why I got sick.  I think I'm just out to hate all holidays for one reason or another.  I'm finding it way too easy to be disagreeable about anything that involves people having fun and being merry together.  Why?  Because I'm not able to go out and do the same thing, most likely.  Or maybe I'm just fulfilling my destiny to be a mean old woman.

Why I Got Sick...I'm not sure why I got sick today during my run.  I honestly felt great through the first 5 miles and then all of a sudden I started feeling lightheaded and my stomach started hurting.  I usually don't get that way unless it is super hot outside or else I was already feeling ill when I set out.  But that wasn't the case this time - I was feeling great when I headed out and even had a nice steady pace going. I got so ill I had to sit down right in the middle of the sidewalk for five minutes until I was able to walk (and not run) home.  So not only was I feeling ill by the time I got there, I was also feeling very disappointed.  Any time I have to give up on a run (especially on a nice day when I'm close to the end anyway), I feel as if I have failed...

Day 187: 3/16/12 - "Invisible Man"

"I wish you'd look at me that way

Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine

Telling me more than any words could say

But you don't even know I'm alive

Baby to you all I am is the invisible man..."

-"Invisible Man" by 98 Degrees

New Favorite Commercial: The State Farm commercial with the agent and the customer at the basketball game has become my new favorite commercial.  Not only do I love just how funny it is, the two actors did a fantastic job of dancing, talking, and keeping a straight face throughout.  Nice job State Farm!

Horrible Dream: I've had a dream twice now where my teeth have come out.  The strange thing about it is that in both dreams it was different teeth (so I didn't lose the same tooth from one dream to the next).  I've, of course, tried to look into this a little further and some of the interpretation is very matter of fact (you need to go to the dentist).  But others are a little more psychological in nature - you can't sink your teeth into something, or you feel powerless.  I think I'm leaning towards the feeling powerless idea - it seems to fit my life right about now!

Awkward: Do you know that odd feeling you get when you realize you have a lot in common with someone and are slightly attracted to them, but know they aren't the least bit interested in you?  I keep getting that feeling around this one particular person and I find myself stuck between feeling awkward, resigned and angry about it.  I think the awkwardness comes from the fact that I look at this person and feel attraction and though I'm sure I'm not conveying that small bit of attraction outward, there is still this inner awkwardness for even feeling it.  The resignation is because I know why they aren't attracted to me and that's just the way life is.  The anger is because a small part of me says "why not me?  what's wrong with me?  I'm just as smart and funny as other women!  I may not be a s nice to look at, but beauty is only skin deep, right?"  Then I go back to being resigned about the whole situation. 

Day 186: 3/15/12 - "It Don't Matter"

"I'm barely living in my skin

Depressions my only friend

And I don't know where I'm heading

Trying to forget where I've been

And I'm so sick of lying

God please show me that silver lining

'Cause I've heard tale and I'm not well

My head's full of hell and this world's a jail..."

- "It Don't Matter" by Rehab

All About the Knitting: Another late post but I'll make this one all about the knitting because, miracle of all miracles, I finished Stormie's blanket yesterday!  I even posted it to my Ravelry site this time (and actually logged into Ravelry for the first time in over 3 months!).  Here is a picture of the loveliness that is the blanket.  Hoping Stormie doesn't read my blog so she won't see it before it arrives, but I still think the actual blanket will have a big impact (and the surprise tucked inside).

Full Blanket (I know, looks like a giant pillow!)

Close Up of the Blanket Pattern

I used a pattern from Caron called Treetops Baby Blanket.  Though not difficult it did take me some time to finish this blanket.  I liked the pattern because you could easily memorize it, so I could easily take things with me and not worry about having to have the pattern on hand.  This made it easy to work on the blanket while I traveled or attended conferences.  Now I just wait for it to be delivered and hope for a picture of little Kaylee all snuggled up!

Day 185: 3/14/12 - "Hero"

"It's a long road

And you face the world alone

No one reaches out a hand

For you to hold"

-"Hero" by Mariah Carey

Late Posting: I went to bed last night knowing that I had not posted for the day (unlike a previous time where I just plain forgot).  I wanted to think more fully about the day before I tried to write about it.  I think I just needed some distance from everything that has happened recently and it seemed to culminate yesterday in a near "altercation" with a staff member.  I'm getting better at facing uncomfortable situations and outwardly I don't think anyone realizes just how uncomfortable I am.  But internally the physical sensations are awful!  I get nauseous, I feel as if my temperature has gone up twenty degrees and my blood is boiling.  I feel a mixture of discomfort and anger building because I realize that the other person is the one causing me to feel this way and the reason I'm struggling is because their reactions (and actions) are not normal or logical.  There is more to this story, let me start from the beginning...

"I Don't See Why I Need to Be There": This is the response a staff member gave another person when they asked them if they would like to sit in on a meeting related to a project they had assisted with.  This was there "polite" way of saying "no" to the request.  I explained to the other person that since they had actually couched  it as an invitation and not a requirement, then we really couldn't say anything about it.  Next time, I said, make sure you just say they are expected to be there and leave it at that.  If they want to argue then, well, we could argue.  The next issue came when I needed to make some changes in scheduling and I told my aide to contact the person to make them aware of the switch.  I was already having a bad day when this was happening, so keep in mind that my next decisions were impacted by my mood.  The person told my aide that they were busy working on a project so they couldn't have their schedule switched.  What project?  I didn't know of any project they were working on.  And even so, I wasn't taking away an hour from them - just switching them to another slot.  I almost went to the person and said, I don't care what you are working on, you didn't put in a request to have that specific hour off, so you need to switch your schedule to accommodate our emergency.  But I realized that in the mood I was in, this would not have gone over well.  So instead, I let it slide and covered the desk shift myself.  But I did realize that I needed to remind everyone of the requirements we have for asking for time off of the desk, and also asked all of my staff to send me a list of their current projects.  Obviously I didn't know what everyone was doing if they had a project that needed to be done at a certain time.

So Then: So this all let to yesterday where I got a request from an administrator for assistance with a project.  It wasn't the normal project we took care of, but we tend to be a department that does whatever needs to be done, even if it doesn't seem to fit with the vibe of our department.  Knowing that this person, though methodical to a high level, would be the best fit, I volunteered them to the administrator, and then went to tell the person that they would be assisting on a project.  They proceeded to try to challenge the request, asking me what the connection was (one of the other people involved is an administrator at the Downtown campus), and kept saying, even after I explained the project, that they didn't see what the connection was.  Then they asked who they would be working with and I again told them that it would be the administrator (as I had already said).  I even gave them the courtesy of asking if they felt it was something they could help me (which could have been a mistake, since I don't know what I would have said if they had said "no").  They finally shrugged as if to say "whatever" and I let the administrator know that they were on-board.  The attitude of this person is the real issue.  We are a department that is part of a library that is part of a university, and we all must work together.  I don't care where the projects come from, we work for the university so any project related to the university is fair game.  If they don't like it, then they should really start looking for another job.  I'm at the point where I now realize that the department would be better off without this person, but I know that my job is to work with them to try to improve their attitude and get them on board with how we work as a unit.  I just think this person is set in their ways and will do anything they can to make my job harder than it needs to be.  Why are there people like that in the world?

 On a Lighter Note: I did get up enough energy to make some St. Patty's Day themed cupcakes in the morning.  I treated it like the cupcakes war challenge and wanted to see if I could bake a set of cupcakes (and bake them well) in a short amount of time.  What I discovered was that I not only could bake a set of cupcakes in under 45 minutes, but I could also take a shower, get ready for work, cook the cupcakes, ice them, and get to work at my normal time.  I didn't have time to do anything really interesting for St. Patty's Day, so I settled for just making the cupcakes green and the icing green.  Easy enough with a vanilla cake and plain buttercream.  My goal for next time is to find a way to color the icing and cake more naturally, and not have to resort to the fake stuff.  But it didn't seem to impact the taste!

Pastel green icing

A look at the inside!

Day 184: 3/13/12 - "(Just Might) Make Me Believe"

"I got miles of trouble spreadin' far and wide
Bills on the table gettin' higher and higher
They just keep on comin', there ain't no end in sight
I'm just holdin' on tight"

-"(Just Might) Make Me Believe" by Sugarland

Gearing Up: March Madness is always special, even when my team (the Sooners ) don't make the post season.  I love watching the bracketology shows and hearing the experts argue about bubbles and Cinderellas.  And I love trying to pick a bracket.  I laugh at myself even as I work on my bracket, knowing that there is no way to call every game perfectly.  There are just too many intangibles out there.  I will say that watching the play-in games was very interesting tonight.  First I watched Western Kentucky make a late 2nd half comeback and then I watched BYU do the same thing.  I don't know whether I saw two of the greatest comebacks ever or two of the worst collapses ever.  Maybe it was a combination of two.

Doing My Best: There are days when I feel like I'm doing my best and no matter what I do, it's not good enough for some people.  But I have to understand when I just can't physically or mentally give more.  I have to take myself out of the game and hope that I can hold on until those judging me wanting see something different.  I just wish they would realize that I haven't changed - its just their opinion of me that has changed.  Live and learn...

Published Again!  Today I got the good news that the article I co-authored with a colleague was accepted for publication.  It's a new journal that I don't believe to be peer-reviewed, and the article is a case study rather than a research study.  But it is a great start for me on the road back to being a published librarian.  It's also nice to have an article published anywhere - I was starting to feel a little rusty!

Day 183: 3/12/12 - "Down So Long"

But we've been down so long
Ooh, it can't be longer still
We've been down so long
The end must be . . .
I know the end must be. . .
Oh, I know the end must be drawing near

-"Down So Long" by Jewel

So Close: I'm so close to being done with the baby blanket for my friend Stormie!  I'm having to take a break right now because my fingers and left wrist are both hurting a bit, but if I work on it tomorrow and Wednesday evening, I can finish it on Thursday and even maybe have time to make the surprise I want to make.  Then I have to start on the next blanket for my friend Amy.  It will be late too (that's my way!) but hopefully it will be something they can keep for a while and continue to use with the baby.  I think Stormie will find lots of uses with what I'm calling the Neapolitan blanket (due to the colors used).

March Madness Time!  I'm so excited that March Madness is here.  Along with the dreams of a perfect bracket come some seriously good games.  Even though my Sooners didn't make the Men's tournament, the girls made the Women's, so I'm looking forward to cheering for them.  I wish there were some games in this area so that I could attend, but I think they are too far away!  I actually have Thursday and Friday off, so I could (theoretically) go.  But at least I can watch at home all day and not be distracted by work (I know, that's backwards, but you know me when its sports time).

New Duds?  I'm in need of a new suit - I just realized that neither of mine fit any longer.  I'm thinking pinstripe this time around - I feel it would be classic and also slimming.  I'm going to look at Long Tall Sally and also at Tall Girl.  I want some serious length on those pants so that I can wear some nice heels.  And speaking of heels, I think it is time to splurge on some Clark shoes.  I'm going to hit Nordstrom's Rack sometime this week to see what I can find, but if no luck there, I'm going to just order some online or directly from the store at La Cantera!

Day 182: 3/11/12 - "Big Eyed Fish"

"Look at this big eyed fish swimming in the sea
Oh,how he dreams to be a bird
Swooping diving through the breeze,
So one day he 

Caught this big old wave up on to the beach,
Now the fish is dead you see
cuz fish should know to stay down in the sea,
But oh God,
Under the weight of life,
Things seem brighter on the other side...

You see this crazy man
Decided not to breathe
Turned red, then blue, purple
Colorful indeed,
No matter how his friends begged and pleaded,
The man would not concede,
And now he's dead, you see,
The silly man should know you got to breathe

But oh God,
Under the weight of life,
Things seem brighter on the other side...
But oh God,
Under the weight of life,
Things seem so much better on the other side
No way... no way.....no way out....

See this monkey sitting up in his tree,
One day, decided to climb down,
Run off to the city, but
Look at him now, drunk and tired
Living in the street,
As good as dead you see,
A monkey should know to stay up in his fucking tree

But, oh God,
Under the weight of life,
Things seem brighter on the other side
Oh, God,
But under the weight of life,
Things seem so much better on the other side
No way, no way, no way, no way out....

Oh God,
Under the weight of life,
Things seem brighter on the other side
Brighter on the other side,
Oh God, Under the weight of life...
no way... no way..."

-"Big Eyed Fish" by Dave Matthews Band

Full Lyrics Tonight: I'm posting full lyrics tonight because this song hit me hard.  I saw so many different interpretations running through out it that I had to use the song to write this post.  I felt the lyrics were trying to tell me something, but the fun (and scary) part of interpretation is that you can pretty much make it into what ever you want to.  But here is what I "got" from the song tonight:

Be Who You Are: The fist that wanted to be a bird dies because he tries to be something he isn't.  I feel that way all the time, as if I'm being something that I'm not supposed to be and one day it will kill me because I won't be able to breath any longer. The only difference between me and the fish right now is that the fish was where he was supposed to be and tried to go where he couldn't.  I'm not where I'm supposed to be and I fear that if I don't find that place where I'm supposed to be, that something bad will happen and I won't ever be able to go there.  I'll be trapped in this place that I'm not built to exist in and I'll die because I can't adapt.

Listen to Those Who Love You: How many times have we seen someone trying to destroy themselves doing something stupid.  No matter what we say or do, they don't listen.  And they keep doing it even though they know for themselves that it is stupid.  The old man had to have known that not breathing would kill him and his friends and family tried to tell him as well.  But he didn't listen and it killed him.  I see this from two sides.  One, I should listen to those who truly love me and not do something stupid.  Also, I need to realize that there are times where no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to save some people.  They will insist on doing something stupid that will hurt them and I just need to let it happen.

I could go on but I think the last part is pretty self-explanatory...there are times when, under the weight of life, things look better somewhere else.  But you have to decide if this is really true or if you'd just be going from one bad situation to another one.  That's where I feel I'm at now...looking at the other side of the fence and seeing that lush, green grass.  But is it really as sweet as it looks?  Or am I destined to fall into the trap set for me by life?  Am I that monkey who didn't have enough sense to stay in my effing tree?

Day 181: 3/10/12 - "Uncharted"

"No words, My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt like anything I've ever felt before,
this is no broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted..."

-"Uncharted" by Sara Bareilles

Tardiness is not a Good Trait: This post is late.  Why?  Because for the first time since I started doing a daily blog, I completely forgot to post.  I've sort of forgotten before, but I've gotten up at midnight to put in my post because I am so committed to this (or should be committed). But this time I didn't realize I had forgotten until this morning.  Maybe I can blame it on Day Light's Savings Time?  I had to move my clocks forward which threw me off with my sleep today and I woke up feeling as if I was wasting the day away.  And now it is 10:15 pm and I'm not tired but I know I need to go to bed soon. *sigh*

 Forced Fun:  I really need to do something fun next Saturday since it is St. Patrick's Day and there will likely be some big parties going on.  The only issue?  I don't have anyone to go out with.  Would it be completely pitiful if I went out by myself?  Probably...

Day 180: 3/9/12 - "Only Lonely"

"Cause I'm 

Only lonely on the inside

Didn't mean to take away your dreams

I'm only lonely on the inside."

-"Only Lonely" by Hootie & the Blowfish

Words, Words, Words: Some days are just blah days and today was definitely that.  I'll keep my post short and say that the chocolate banana cream roll was gone very quickly and was pretty tasty if I say so myself.  I'll know to double or triple that recipe the next time, but it definitely makes a nice yule log.

Everybody Has Their Secrets:  I keep mine very well.  I think some secrets are never meant to be shared and others are never meant to be kept.  If someone tells your secret to help you, then you likely shouldn't have tried to keep it as a secret in the first place.  And by the way - if you have something you don't want others to know about, make sure you don't actually tell anyone.  Some secrets should be held only by you, so keep them close to you.

Day 179: 3/8/12 - "Extraordinary"

"I am extraordinary
If you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary
I am just your ordinary, average, everyday, sane, psycho, supergoddess"

-"Extraordinary" by Liz Phair

50/50: I don't like it when someone tries to place all of the blame about a situation they don't like on me.  Especially when that person should have taken steps over a week ago to help to ask and answer some of the questions that we are discussing now.  I'm not the only one dealing with this balance, and it is their responsibility to keep an eye on their own area.  I try to branch out and make sure I'm considering all the angles, but there are times when I don't see those angles myself.  When that happens, please don't try to throw me under the bus as if it is my fault that it didn't work out.  I'll shoulder part of the blame.  Hell, I'll even take 1/2 of it though it is not 1/2 mine.  But I'm not going to be your scapegoat for this or for anything else.  Neither of us is in a dream situation, but don't take your dislike of your situation out on me.  That only makes mine worse.  I wouldn't want to worsen your situation.

Baker's Joy: I noted to a couple of people that because I chose to bake last night rather than working for two or three hours, I woke up feeling a lot more refreshed this morning (even though I didn't get any more sleep than normal).  I realized that I needed that time "away" from work and that I had not been giving myself that time.  Instead, I was working at work, and working at home, and still feeling as if I was weeks behind schedule.  I have to remind myself that there will always be more work to do.  That I will always be able to find additional work that could be done.  But I won't get my time away from work back, so I need to make sure I'm actually using it for me.  Tonight I made a chocolate jelly roll.  I'm going to put the rest of that banana cream I made in the middle and see if that combination works.  I hope so - the cupcakes were a success!  Picture posted tomorrow!

Day 178: 3/7/12 - "I Am So Ordinary"

"And she is your holy Mary
And I am so ordinary
And she is your Queen Cleopatra
And I'm just your morning after
And she is your Star Spangled Banner
And I am just Frere Jacques
And you can lose me if you want to"

-"I Am So Ordinary" by Paula Cole

What's My Motivation?  Today was one of those days where no matter how hard I tried, no matter my good intentions, I just could not get anything done!  The phone kept ringing, people kept dropping by, issues kept coming up that had to be taken care of, and all the while, my work got pushed to the back burner.  Tomorrow I will attempt to catch up as best I can before Friday, and then next week (Spring Break!) should mean that I get the chance to really get some work done. Fingers crossed.  But days like today lead me to question my motivation.  Why do I continue to do what I do?  Do I still love what I do?  If not, do I at least like it?  Enjoy it?  Want to do it?  I'm not sure what the answer is to these questions, but I realize that I need to address them, and soon.  There is more to it than this as well.  I have to figure out what I'll do if the answer is no.  Or, what I'll do when the answer is mixed.  No matter what, I do know I have to do something.

No Joy in Indy: I'm saddened by the news that Peyton Manning will be leaving Indianapolis.  I can admit that the main reason I was a Colts fan was because I was a Manning fan.  It was difficult to listen to him say goodbye, but wonderful to hear him continue to be the person that he is...a man with a good heart, who remained respectful even when others would have reacted in a different way.  You may have respect for Indy and the ownership there, Manning, but I've got more respect for you.  I'll see you in your new locale, wherever that may be, and guess I'll likely have a new team to cheer for!

Baking Away:  I tried to do work when I got home tonight but I just didn't have it in me.  Instead, I tried out a new recipe and created a banana pudding cupcake.  Or, at least that is what I attempted to create!  I made a vanilla cupcake, cored it, made a banana cream filing (very pudding like!), and topped it with a banana buttercream frosting, rimmed by crushed Nilla wafers.  Not sure what the full effect is but I enjoyed the cake, the cream, and the frosting.  And of course I love Nilla wafers!  Here are some pics of my fun tonight:

 

Day 177: 3/6/12 - "Be OK"

"I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok

I just want to be ok today...

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today

I just want to feel something today...

Open me up and you will see

I'm a gallery of broken hearts

I'm beyond repair, let me be

And give me back my broken parts

Just give me back my pieces

Just give them back to me please

Just give me back my pieces

And let me hold my broken parts..."

-"Be OK" by Ingrid Michaelson

Let's Not Be Difficult:  I'm learning that some people are difficult just because they want to be.  Today I was one step away from going up to someone and just flat out saying - "That wasn't a request, it was an order...you don't get to say no."  But that's not my style and it also wouldn't have gone over well.  I also don't want to start channeling others who have a habit of doing that exact thing to me and others and I absolutely HATE it!  But I'll be reminding this person that the proper way to handle something is given in our guidelines and that they need to be followed to allow us to do what we need to do to get our jobs done.  And if that doesn't work, then I will say "you don't have a choice!"

Cost of Travel: I'm trying to balance my ALA travel with the need to take a vacation and right now I know I can't wait until June to take that vacation!  I'll go completely crazy if I try to, so I'm going to have to find one of those last minute deals and just go where it offers for me to go.  I think I just need to pick a weekend to do it, make sure I've scheduled the time off, and then just go!  I just don't want to get stuck going somewhere I've already been or somewhere that being a single traveler just doesn't go over well.  I really need to go to the beach or something like that, but I'm not much of a beach girl.  We'll just have to see!

Day 176: 3/5/12 - "Mudshovel"

"You will feel my anger
You will feel my pain
You will feel my torment
I'll drive you insane
I won't fight these feelings
I will bring you pain
I won't take away
I'll be whole again"

-"Mudshovel" by Staind

Darn it All to Heck!  I scuffed my brand new boots today as I walked into work.  It was very devastating for me (which of course is also very scary since they are only shoes and I got them on sale), and I had to fight the urge to not turn around and go back to my car and just go home.  Maybe it's because it is Monday and of course I hate Mondays? Maybe its because I was just in a foul mood?  Who knows what the reasoning is for my urge to flee rather than fight, but luckily my common sense won out and I found myself heading into work as I was supposed to.  But darn it all to heck, I just got those shoes!

Out of Pocket: I'm going to have to eat part of my conference trip to Anaheim out of pocket (which sucks) so I'm already trying to find those free lunches/dinners/breakfasts to save myself money.  The current plane tickets are frightening, to say the least and will likely eat into the majority of my money and I'm already eating my registration costs, so I'll be around $600 in the hole by the time the conference finishes up.  I'm definitely taking some extra days for a vacation while I'm there - since its costing me so much in the first place!

Day 175: 3/4/12 - "Dreaming with a Broken Heart"

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe"

-"Dreaming with a Broken Heart" by John Mayer

When Lyrics Attack...Sometimes songs just hit you where it hurts the most.  That is what happened to be twice last night and Dreaming with a Broken Heart is the one that brought tears to my eyes as I was out walking.  As I've mentioned before, it's not always the entire song that catches me.  It's often just a line or two that resonate with me.  How true it is when you wake up and you literally feel as if you can't breathe for those first few moments.  The rest of the day tends to drag along after that.

Hair Today...I'm again contemplating cutting my hair.  After trying to finish cleaning up the apartment, I also realized that I needed to wash my hair...and I knew I didn't have the time to not only wash it, but also put it back up.  So I ended up delaying the washing until tomorrow since I only had the energy to braid it up quickly.  Some hair days are scarier than others!

Day 174: 3/3/12 - "It's Not My Time"

"I look ahead to all the plans that we made

And the dreams that we had

I'm in a world that tries to take them away

Oh, but I'm taking them back..."

-"It's Not My Time" by 3 Doors Down

Eating Wrong:  I use the excuse of massive amounts of exercise to eat what I like on Saturdays.  Today I ran over 10 miles so I allowed myself to have pancakes and pizza.  Not the healthiest of combinations, but one that I felt I deserved.  Besides, the pizza was free (part of Papa John's Superbowl promotion).  Now, of course, I have to work out on Sunday to eat the rest of the pizza (no way I could finish a whole one in one day).  I made myself walk to pick up my pizza instead of doing delivery (to help burn a few more calories).  But I really need to start evaluating this "balance" I have going on.

Emotional Roller Coaster: I've been on an emotion roller coaster of late and I'm not quite sure why.  Take today, for instance.  I woke up feeling more energetic than normal and then went for a long run.  I should have finished feeling accomplished (I have never run that far or that long before) but instead I finished feeling tired, sore, and rundown.  I then proceeded to try to work on some things and found myself unmotivated.  Finally I found myself feeling listless and weepy during the later part of the day, being set off by everything from commercials to videos, to something I read online.  WTF?

Day 173: 3/2/12 - "Keep Your Head Up"

"I know it's hard, know its hard,

To remember sometimes,

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

and you can let your hair down..."

-"Keep Your Head Up" by Andy Grammer

Strange Conversations: It was one of those days where I didn't get much accomplished, mostly because of two conversations I got into. One started out innocently enough and led to a nearly 40 minute long conversation that did not give us any closer to did reinforce what we already knew (useful?  or not?).  The second one was by phone and it was just a chance to chat with someone who wanted to make sure I was doing okay.  It was funny, because they asked me about something and I told them that I had not heard anything...but tonight when I got home, I saw that I had an e-mail about that very thing.  It was a bit surreal, as if her asking me about it led to it happening.  With those two things taking up my time, 3:00 pm arrived all too quickly and I had to head to the eye doctor.  The conversations were strange, but both good in their own way.

Disrespect: I really dislike it when someone asks me for my advice, or asks me to take over something and when I give them something to do, they don't bother listening to me.  Instead they move forward and make a decision that turns out to be costly, and all I can think is "why did you bother asking me in the first place, if you weren't going to do as I told you to do?"  Really?  Then of course, there are the people who don't trust you to do your job and in their second-guessing, they show themselves to be ignorant (and in some cases, down-right stupid).  If I give you something with the information that you need in order to proceed, then you should trust that the information is correct (by the way, it always has been in the past).  But you show your distrust and you start asking questions that one e-mail would have cleared up.  You start putting out requests for expensive procedures.  All the while, if you had just asked me, I could have told you why we didn't need the expensive purchase.  That one really steams me, like almost nothing else.

Day 172: 3/1/12 - "Hands Clean"

"We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this"

-"Hands Clean" by Alanis Moriessette

Surprise, Surprise: It's always fun to have something happen that you never expected but that you thought should really happen.  Today I heard about a process that has been started that may offer some forms of vindication for a lot of people while offering the rest an avenue to finally speak up.  Of course, it can all fall through which is also a good thing, because it would tell me what I need to know about an entire entity and whether there are issues that are so deep seeded that the entire entity is tainted with it.  We will see!

Long Weekend Needed: I think I need a long weekend to myself. No work, no knitting, no nothing normal.  I need to do something totally out of character and hopefully completely enjoyable.  I also need to get away from here.  It won't be this weekend but I'm thinking of taking the Spring Break weekend and doing something fun and exciting!  I wonder if I can get a last minute travel deal and just go do something....spontaneous...