It's been a rough few days for me. I didn't tell many people, but today I went in to have a colonoscopy and an endoscopy done because I've been having a lot of trouble with my digestion. Needless to say, having to spend your weekend preparing for that pretty much ruins your weekend. On top of wondering (and worrying) about what they would find, I was reminded in a very blatant way just how alone I am down here. Yes, I have made a couple of friends at work, but they have lives (and children), so we don't "hang out." I had to ask one of them to take time out of her day to come and get me and take me to my appointment since they won't let me drive (if she hadn't been going to work late because she was teaching, I would have been taking a taxi). But since she was working late, she couldn't leave to pick me up, so I had to do a general call of my librarians and ask one of them if they could come and get me. Only a couple live near me, and only one volunteered. I hated to have to ask and just asking made me feel so lonely down here.
But what made it worse? I had to call her once I was done and when I told the nurses that she could not leave work until 4pm (I was done at 3pm), they asked me if I had anyone else who could come get me because they were usually closing up at 3:30pm. I almost burst into tears because I had to tell her "no, I don't have anyone else who can come and get me). I was sorely tempted to just get up and leave, and to hell with their rules, but even I'm not that crazy (coming out of anesthesia, you may feel normal, but walking long distances in the Miami humidity wouldn't exactly do me any good).
I need to go home. I need to go back to where my family is near, so that if I need something I know I have someone to ask. I'm trying to not let this drop me back down into the pit I was in a few weeks ago, but the slope is very slippery. And when you get real-world reminders (and not just the demons in your head) of just how alone you are, it can be very difficult to maintain your footing. I hope I can sleep on it tonight - I suspect I'll sleep well with the remnants of the anesthesia and the lack of sleep from last night) - and wake up tomorrow thankful to have another day.
The results of my tests? Nothing wrong other than some bleeding in my stomach (small amounts and he could not see a cause), and some polyps that he plans to biopsy, though he says they didn't look back - just being cautious. I'm glad to hear this news, but worried that he saw no obvious reasons for my continued illness. It leads me to believe that I've been right all along about stress being the ultimate culprit. But how do I fix that?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment