What Now?

I have test anxiety.  I had forgotten this fact, probably because its been ten years since I last took a test of any consequence, and longer than that since I took a really difficult test.  Today I took the GRE for the 2nd time and my issues started before I even left the house as the symptoms of test anxiety kicked in the night before: sleeplessness, headache, racing heart, nausea, upset stomach, and shakiness.  I only got worse upon waking and realizing that I had no time to do any final review.  I managed to leave the house 20 minutes later than planned, but that was better than not leaving at all.  I even found the location on the first try (which is a miracle for Miami).  By the time I got into the office I was actually feeling confident.  I had memorized all of my formulas and I knew how to use them.  I was actually feeling a little more relaxed by the time I checked in and was taken to my seat.

The first part of the test (the essays) weren't great, but I didn't feel too bad about them.  Of course since that grade won't show up til later, I could be suffering from false confidence in terms of my writing skills.  By the time the first hour was up I was ready to go right into the quantitative section.  Then my bubble was burst.  I found myself skipping questions (with the idea of coming back to the "hard" ones later).  To my mind, they were all hard and I didn't know how to solve any of them.  None of my formulas applied and I felt that I was being asked questions that I had not studied how to answer.  I was nearly in tears by the time the section was over, which did not bode well for my ability to actually figure out the next section, which was verbal.

At this point I had an option to take a break, but by then I just wanted out of that room, so I skipped the break and went right into the next quantitative section, which was just as bad as the first one and only added to my deflated feeling.  I slid right into the 2nd verbal and then realized that I had to finish with one more quantitative.  I can't tell you how hard it was for me not to hit "cancel" my scores and not send them out to anyone.  I really didn't want to even see what I had scored on either section because I knew it would be bad.  Thankfully I couldn't even write it down since you can't take paper out of the testing center.  I managed to check out without bursting into tears, but it was a near thing.  I made it to my car and looked at the time and saw that I had just spent 4 hours in what I would define as a personal hell.

I don't know what my test scores will do to my quest to get into a Ph.D. program.  Most people would tell me that the scores aren't the only thing and I know this.  But I'm looking at 3 high level programs that have very high standards.  Mediocre isn't good enough.  I'm not good enough.  I'll have to write the best admissions statement for each of them that I can, and I'll have to hope that my 3 references write beautiful letters for me.  Then I'll have to hope that my ten years of career experience and my transcripts at least keep me in the running.

I was one mouse click away from just giving up today.  I'm not sure how I managed to not click the cancel button when my head kept saying "cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel" over and over. My heart must have told me something else.  I'm not sure I can trust my heart though - I'm reminded of a favorite song:

"Foolish heart hear me calling
Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart heed my warning
You've been wrong before,
Don't be wrong anymore."

I'll thank my Sirius satellite for playing songs that spoke for me as I drove home, fighting tears the entire way.  The first song that came on?  "If you're going through hell, keep on going" by Rodney Atkins.  Apropos?  I thought so.  That song was followed by "I Hold On" by Dierks Bentley.  I'd never heard the song before and it wasn't the lyrics so much as the title that caught my attention, but I found it fitting as well.  I could go on - there were other songs that the radio blessed me with on the way home that really hit me hard.

As I sit here now trying to make sense out of today, the test, my life, my future, my failures, my hopes, my dreams...I find that I'm back to feeling lost again.  I've felt lost before - it's not a good feeling to have.  People keep throwing out lifesavers for me but I don't actually want them - I don't want to be pulled back into the things that are only hurting me more.  I don't want to be held close to the things that eat me up inside.  I want to let it all go - need to let it all go, but I don't have that option.  So I'm in limbo, lost, floating in nothingness as I try to figure out which direction to go. 

So, what now?