Another Dream Dies

Over the years, especially recently, I've watched a number of my dreams just die.  Not be pushed to the wayside, with the hope that one day I could revive them.  But totally gone, dead, and fading into nothingness.  Some of these dreams have been easier to let go than others.  And over the years I've formed fewer and fewer new dreams because I didn't want to deal with the pain that comes along with the loss.

About 6 months ago I allowed myself to dream again, and I dreamed big.  I went into this dream knowing full well that the odds were against me.  But I stupidly allowed myself to dream fully.  Today I found out that this newest dream was now dead.  Some have told me to not give up and to continue to dream - I'll find away. But I know this song, and I've danced this dance.  The finality is heart wrenching.  The pain is real.

This one is hurting more than I had thought and more than I know how to deal with. I realize now that I had gone so long, refusing to allow myself to dream, that I have lost my natural ability to just let it go.  I feel the stabbing pain of daggers being plunged into my heart.  I hear the sound of laughter as I lay on the floor bleeding.  I can no longer block it out and the pain in my head is very much real. 

I'm now in the coping phase - stages of grief happen for dreams as well.  But I'm not coping very well.  I'll likely be singing a lot (if you don't know, that is what I do - and I sing really sad songs, really badly).  Here is today's sad song and my sad voice trying to carry it along.  Listen at your own risk.  Maybe tomorrow won't be so bad...

The Reality (or Hope) in the Dream

I've had vivid dreams before, some scary, some funny, some sad.  I've had a few that were so realistic that I work up crying or in pain from a dream fall. But usually my dreams are a mixed up jumble of people I know, places I've been, and things I wish would happen or things that have happened.  Also, I am rarely truly myself in my dreams.  I'm either seeing through someone else's eyes or I'm an inaccurate version (age, weight, physical abilities, etc). of my self.  Last night I had a dream that was vivid, visceral, and accurate in location and characters, including myself - I was who I am and how I am now.

Before I tell you about the dream, I have to provide a little background.  So, there is this guy (I know, isn't there always?) that I'm very much interested in.  Though he's sort of indicated that he might be interested in, he hasn't actually taken that final step to ask me out, etc.  So I've been wondering (of course) what might be holding him back.  The usual thoughts (he's married, or dating someone; he doesn't want to date a black woman; I'm too tall; he doesn't really like me) have all gone through my head.  But apparently my dream world decided to make up a whole other story...one that was convoluted and detailed and makes sense (in my dream world).  But it wasn't the story that stuck with me from this dream, but just how real it actually was.

The Dream: I'm at work (where I work now, including the set up of book overflow that are in my office) and I'm going out into the hallway to leave the suite, but he walks in...carrying two young boys (3 year old twins...not sure how I know this, I just do).  He sets them down and tells me that the reason he hadn't asked me out was because he wasn't sure how I would feel about his having two children from a previous relationship.  He also explained that he was wary about bringing new people into their lives, especially women.  I, of course, immediately go to the kids and start talking to them.  They are adorable, though not identical (again, the detail is astounding).  Their names were Kyle and Avery (yep, they had names).  I spend time bonding with the boys (they take to me quickly!).  And the next thing I know, the guy and I are a couple! (I know, talk about dream world).  He grabs me in a huge hug and swings me around my office (knocking books off - I even see the dust fly into the air).  Then the boys start talking about their playroom and how much they want me to see it.  The guy nods and says that of course I can come over to his beautiful house and see the kids' playroom (I have been deemed safe to see where he lives).  He then hands me his phone and says, "I need your phone number."  I actually feel the phone and see myself entering my number.  Then the boys want me to take a picture with them so that it will be on their dad's phone.  The dream ends with him telling the boys that its time to go and that he'll call me later.  I'm sitting in my desk chair and he comes over to say goodbye, kissing me right on the lips and then they are gone.  I then turn to find my colleagues all standing around and smiling and laughing at me (as they would in real life).  And then another person who sort of knows what is going on is there and I'm thinking him for his help in getting the guy to come there and actually move forward.

So, the remaining odd things:

1. Normally when I dream of people, even people I know, something about them is distorted. Their voices aren't right, or I can't see their faces (I usually can't see their faces, which can be scary).  But my mystery guy was as clear as day to me.  I could see his smile and his eyes, his face was as clear as it woudl be if he had been standing next to me right now.  When he hugged me I felt his strength and his arms.  When the kids were sitting on my lap I felt their weight.  I could even feel the softness of their hair.  I mentioned that I could feel the cell phone in my hands, the weight and the buttons.  The glow of the numbers as I typed in my phone number.
   
2.  The fact that my office was as it is now.  The fact that I was actually in Miami, in my office, and I looked like it does now.  The fact that the hallway out of the reference suite was exactly as it should be.  The fact that I could see my colleagues faces and for once the only colleagues there were the ones who were supposed to be there.  Usually I have people from my past (friends and foe) showing up in my dreams and I realize right away that I am in a dream and that its not real.

I think it's the fact that everything was so accurate that struck me as odd, because I usually realize I'm in a dream and get very disappointment.  But this time, the dream felt so real, that I didn't get that feeling of disappointment.  Of course, it did come later, when I woke up and realized I was dreaming. But at least the dream was allowed to continue on without me trying to wake up because I know that its just a dream.

Here's to hoping that some of it will come true (I won't tell you which parts I want to be true).  And here's to hoping I have more pleasant dreams (instead of my usual nightmares) tonight.=

Day 258: 5/26/12 - "Where I Stood"

"I don't know what I've done

Or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey, you know me, it's all or none..."

-"Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins"

Done Asking Why: I used to ask myself "why me?" whenever bad things happened to me, but I'm done with asking that question.  There is no rhyme or reason for why things (both good and bad) happen to people.  They just do.  I'm not talking about the things we have control over.  I've gotten my life to the point where I am in control of the things that I can possibly control. Everything else I just have to deal with as it occurs.  Today the pain was so bad that I finally caved and put in a request for a doctor's appointment for the following week.  I kept hoping it was a temporary issue and that I could change something (my diet, my water intake, something) to make it better or at least tolerable.  But today proved that this is one of those things outside of my control. A cursory look online gave me the possible answer, one I suspected but was hoping would not be the cause.  I don't want to think about the possible implications of this issue - the future of continued pain, the possibility of surgery, the final nail in the coffin of one of my dreams.  All of those things are now partially outside of my control, and don't like that.  I won't ask why - there is no satisfactory answer anyway....

Best...Dream...Ever!!!  I felt so bad today I almost forgot to post about the dreams I woke up from this morning (before the pain started and the day went from good to crap in 0.005 seconds).  I dreamt I was "drafted" by the Texas Rangers and allowed to actually play in a game!  I was in uniform, warmed up with the other players, got a base hit (though the dream did not include the experience of being in the batter's box...just being on first base), and got to play left field.  Throughout the dream I kept thinking "this has to be a joke.  No way I get to play with the Rangers!"  And then I was thinking that this had to be a one day deal and that they would change their minds and I'd be booted soon.  I woke up from the dream with a smile on my face and a headache.  I decided to go back to sleep, figuring it was Saturday and I deserved to sleep in.  I was sad though, because I had not wanted the dream to end.  Strangeness of all that is strange - the dream continued.  It was the next day and I was sitting in Ron Washington's office.  He was chastising me for being late and for not being in my "practice gear."  I explained that I had thought yesterday was a joke and that I wasn't really part of the team and he laughed at me and set down a couple of piles of Rangers gear (tshirts and shorts) and told me to get changed for pre-game.  Just as I was about to change the room switched and instead of an office we were in a large conference room.  The gear that Ron had given me was still there and he was looking at me expectantly, but the rest of the team had come into the room.  I think they expected me to balk at changing in front of them, but I just shrugged, stripped, and put on my new Rangers tshirt and shorts.  I remember thinking how shocked the guys looked, but how I had earned their respect by acting like just one of the guys.  What a strange (crazy, weird, but also exciting!) dream.  Too bad when I woke up the second time I had a serious case of the shakes and was in pretty bad pain.  Oh well, I'll cling to my short-lived stint as a major league baseball player - even if only in my dreams...

Day 221: 4/19/12 - "Shame"

"I'm the one you really want but you just can't see it

I tried and tried to make you understand, don't believe it

It's a shame, you're missing out on a good thing, oh, oh

And it's a shame you can't see a damn thing, ah huh

What you scared of me, for?  I'm just a woman

Maybe I got it all together like you think...

I can fend on my own, I'm magnificent

I'm a queen on my throne, I'm magnificent...

It's a shame, you're missing out on me

And it's a shame, you don't even know my name..."

-"Shame" by Jill Scott

Ain't it Funny? You spend time wondering about someone and hoping they might be thinking of you too - at least on occasion. But the hard truth is that it's a one way street and you are going the wrong way! That's me right now and I know I need to move on- but that's easier said than done. I have the right to dream, I just need to be able to keep reality and my dreams separate.

Day 220: 4/18/12 - "So Small"

"I know it's hard on a rainy day

You wanna shut the world out

And just be left alone

But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing

Is just a grain of sand

And what you've been out there searching for forever

Is in your hands

And when you figure out

Love is all that matter after all

It sure makes everything else

Seem so small..."

-"So Small" by Carrie Underwood

Talking About My Dream: Two of my students asked me today if I was going to open a bakery.  One of the others had mentioned that she thought I should open one and they agreed.  It was fun to talk about that with them and I remember feeling so much lighter as I laughed and joked with them.  I even came up with a name for my shop based on the success of my banana cream filling...Fillings.  Of course, now I have to perfect making different fillings for cupcakes so that I can live up to that name.  Of course, I could also just name it K's Creations which would cover a lot of things!  It's nice to dream but I need to either go for it or give it up.  Just another one of those things I need to factor in as I move forward with my life.

Planning a Trip: Time to take my usual trip out west to see my friend and the babies!  I didn't go last year because my friend came to visit me, but I love my time in Cali, even if it is only for a few days and I love hanging with TO - my sister!  I'll have to see if I can find a cheap flight and find out the best time for me to crash with her (don't want to mess up her summer plans).  Looks like I might get to hit both coasts this summer multiple times - how exciting!

Day 215: 4/13/12 - "Shame"

"Funny how it comes to pass, that all the good slips away
And there's no one around you can remember being good to you
Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you
And open up more
Shame, shame, shame

What we lost here is something better left alone
Second steps have been forgotten, will you tell me how
They go
Set yourself, situate, like a fool try again
There's no one around you can remember being good, for you
So  

 
Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you
And open up more
Shame, shame, shame"

-"Shame" by Matchbox 20

Dreaming Again: The dreams of the life (or future life) that I wish I could have but won't came back to haunt me again last night.  This time I dreamed that I was pregnant and had a little boy.  My father came to the hospital to see me and to see the baby and I told him then that  I had decided to name him after my father "James Walter" but realizing this was also my mother's fist husband's name we decided to name him James Matthew.  My father was very emotional and I awoke from this dream very sad, because I know that time is running out for us.  I still have time, though limited, to have children, but for my father to have the chance to know that child and for that child to know him...that is a shorter window and with no possibilities in that direction, I know I can't even allow myself to believe it would be possible.  That's one alternative reality I wish I could step into...I'd give almost anything...

Never On Time: Why is it I can never finish a baby blanket before the baby arrives?  My friend Amy is having her baby today (hope she is doing alright!) and I've been working on her blanket for months, but I haven't worked on it for weeks until tonight...prodded by the news that she was in labor!  I guess I'll just have to speed knit and hope to have it to her before he is a month old.  And I know I have a couple of other friends who are pregnant and due soon that I likely won't have time to knit for.  And here I was thinking I could knit for a living..not going to happen!

Day 187: 3/16/12 - "Invisible Man"

"I wish you'd look at me that way

Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine

Telling me more than any words could say

But you don't even know I'm alive

Baby to you all I am is the invisible man..."

-"Invisible Man" by 98 Degrees

New Favorite Commercial: The State Farm commercial with the agent and the customer at the basketball game has become my new favorite commercial.  Not only do I love just how funny it is, the two actors did a fantastic job of dancing, talking, and keeping a straight face throughout.  Nice job State Farm!

Horrible Dream: I've had a dream twice now where my teeth have come out.  The strange thing about it is that in both dreams it was different teeth (so I didn't lose the same tooth from one dream to the next).  I've, of course, tried to look into this a little further and some of the interpretation is very matter of fact (you need to go to the dentist).  But others are a little more psychological in nature - you can't sink your teeth into something, or you feel powerless.  I think I'm leaning towards the feeling powerless idea - it seems to fit my life right about now!

Awkward: Do you know that odd feeling you get when you realize you have a lot in common with someone and are slightly attracted to them, but know they aren't the least bit interested in you?  I keep getting that feeling around this one particular person and I find myself stuck between feeling awkward, resigned and angry about it.  I think the awkwardness comes from the fact that I look at this person and feel attraction and though I'm sure I'm not conveying that small bit of attraction outward, there is still this inner awkwardness for even feeling it.  The resignation is because I know why they aren't attracted to me and that's just the way life is.  The anger is because a small part of me says "why not me?  what's wrong with me?  I'm just as smart and funny as other women!  I may not be a s nice to look at, but beauty is only skin deep, right?"  Then I go back to being resigned about the whole situation. 

Day 165: 2/23/12 - "Time After Time"

"Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you

Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new..."

-"Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper

It Ain't Good For You..I hit The Cheesecake Factory with some colleagues tonight and actually did pretty well in terms of the food.  I decided to treat myself to a piece of Oreo cheesecake...which is gone so don't ask for a bite!  I had something off of the skinnilicious menu so that I could balance better.  Now I just have to get out of bed in the morning and actually try to move around...I've been having trouble with that for the last few weeks.

Odd Dreams: Last night I dreamed I was in Hawaii (yay!) and learning how to surf (fun!) and then driving around with some of the locals and hitting a restaurant for dinner.  This wasn't an odd dream because it was bad...but rather, an odd dream because it was so benign.  I could also feel the water as I learned to surf, and feel the wind blowing over me as we rode in the car.  It was a very tactile dream that I wouldn't mind returning to!

Day 152: 2/10/12 - "Too Much"

"I eat too much
I drink too much
I want too much
Too much"

"Too Much" by Dave Matthews Band

One More Day to Dream: I have one more day to dream before reality will creep in.  It's actually difficult to hold on to the dream since I know that reality is waiting for me around the corner.  All the signs are there - all the indicators that the dream will die are crawling slowly towards my heart, though my mind has already acknowledged them.  Tonight I'll go to sleep and have one more night to dream about you and when I wake in the morning, I'll cry until I can't breathe...then I'll get up and go on.

What's My Motivation?  I'm trying to figure out what my motivation in life is now.  I'm looking at my life and trying to analyze things in a logical way.  But the questions seem to get tougher and the answers more elusive.  Why do I go to work every day?  Why do I try to work on those things that I know I'll never accomplish?  why do I bother believing in anything any more?  Why don't I give up?  What is my motivation?

Day 151: 2/9/12 - "3 Libras"

"Difficult not to feel a little bit

Disappointed and passed over

When I look right through,

See you naked but oblivious

And you don't see me..."

-"3 Libras" by A Perfect Circle

Lost Dreams: Some dreams die so silently that no one else ever notices their loss.  But I notice because they were my dreams.  And though they drifted away easily, I still feel the pain that comes with that loss.  Other dreams refuse to go quietly.  They linger and rear their heads, giving you a false sense of hope that one day you'll be able to achieve those dreams.  There is even more pain involved in their loss because you feel as if they have been ripped away from you, like a piece of your soul has been torn out - a gaping hole left behind.  How do you fix that hole?  How do you replace that piece of your soul, taken away so violently?  How do you risk dreaming again, knowing that with those dreams can come pain and loss?  I don't have an answer for any of those questions.  I'll still dream, as I always have, and I'll hope that one day one of those dreams will come true.  But I'll also bear the scars of the dreams I've lost, and I'll mourn their passing.  So if I am sad over the next few days, it is only natural and not long term. I'll go through the stages of grief until I finally come out on the other side.  Then I'll start the cycle all over again.

Battle of Wills: I think I'm stuck in a battle of wills with someone but they don't realize that I realize that we are in this battle.  I think they think that I'm too stupid to realize what they are trying to do.  I don't think they realize that I'm playing with them now...and enjoying watching them do all of the things that a childish person does when they don't know what to say or how to act.  I wish others could see this as well - I think they would find it highly amusing.  And I'm sorry to inform this person that I won't break first.  They'll have to be the ones to call this off - I won't give them the satisfaction of doing it for them!

Day 148: 2/6/12 - "Just Wait"

"If ever you are feeling like you're tired
And all your uphill struggles leave you headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And your appetite for pain has drinken it's fill...

I hope for you and cannot stop at hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to you face
There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying
Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace"

-"Just Wait" by Blues Traveler

Dreams...Again: Last night I had one of those dreams that I found strange, not only because of the content of the dream, but also because for the first time that I can remember, I had a dream that I woke up from, and when I went back to sleep, the dream continued.  So for all of those dream fans, here is what I saw last night (and for those who are new to my posts, keep in mind that I'm playing with the idea that my dreams are really views of an alternate reality where my life is just very different from the one I live here in this reality):

In my dream I got married (for those who know me, that would have been strange enough but it got stranger).  I have no clue what my husband looked like, height, build, etc., but I do know his name was Damien (yep, he had a name).  I don't know his last name but I got a hint a little later in the dream.  After the wedding (it was not a big event), my next memory was of me hanging out with my new husband in his apartment which he shared with 3 others! (I'm thinking New Girl  had something to do with that part of the dream).  We were all talking and I quickly realized that I didn't actually know much about my husband.  I was trying to find out and boom, we were off to bed and then I was parking my car.  For some reason I had two lunches with me and one was for my mom.  I met my husband in between our cars and I apologized for not making his lunch (I said I didn't know what he liked to eat!).  Then the next thing we are sitting in a small group of girls and chatting.  They were asking me who I was and I said that if he had remembered my ring they would already know.  Then he surprised me by pulling out this old ring with Keltic symbols on it and he tells me it a family heirloom (there's your hint to his last name...I only got the Mc...part).  Then he asked me where the piece of paper that had been wrapped around my finger during our wedding ceremony was and I remembered it falling off, but I had to tell him that I lost it.  I woke up as he was fitting the ring on my finger.

Talk about weird!

Girl Scout Cookies: It's GSC time!  I just got mine today and I'm happy to say that I only had one serving of one type (so I'm moderating well).  Just hope that I can continue with that though...they are mighty tempting!  In case you are wondering, I got 3 types:  Trefoils (my favorite!), Savannah Smiles (the new one), and Thin Mints (I like to freeze them!).

Day 144: 2/2/12 - "The Man Who Can't Be Moved"

"'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

So I'm not moving
I'm not moving"

-"The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script

Is Luck Real?  I ask myself this question all the time and many of my friends ask me the same thing.  Why am I asking this question today?  Because I won a Kindle Fire from a random drawing of webinar participants and all of my FB friends said "you always win."  I think they are right in some ways, but I think it has less to do with luck and more to do with making sure that I always enter things.  They say you can't win if you don't play, so I extend this to you can't win if you don't enter!  I'll tell you what I think of the Kindle Fire when I get it.  I'm still waiting on the company to contact me to arrange to have it shipped here. I must say that I've been wanting an e-reader, but I've been refusing to buy one, so again something works out in my favor to manage to get one into my possession.  Of course, now I have to buy books for it...but I can live with that!

Benadryl Makes Me Have Bad Dreams: I've decided this is the case since I followed my first night of nightmares with another nightmare.  I didn't post it the next day as I normally would have - likely because I was trying to decide if it was maybe worthy of a sci-fi story.  Here goes my strange dream from the 2nd night I took Benadryl.  I was part of an elite military team that ran across something buried in the middle of a desert.  The problem was that we didn't know what the thing was that we had found and we also didn't know where the desert had come from since it didn't appear on any map.  We decided to move the item out of the desert and as we got closer to what appeared to be a forest we notice that there are clouds rolling in.  Suspect a major storm, we look up and as lightening flashes we realize that what we thought was a cloud is really an alien vessel!  It had an odd shape, sort of like a misshapen head and it had long tentacles hanging from it.  It was a dark greyish black color (which allowed it to blend in with the clouds).  We started racing for the trees since we figured it was after whatever we found and all of a sudden the giant black, spider-like things start coming down from the trees to attack us.  We scramble away from them, up a hill into another sandy area (not desert, just sandy) and as one of the black "spiders" lands on the sand, a worm-like creature comes out of the ground and eats it!  We weren't afraid of the worms, though we were very afraid of the aliens and the spiders.  I woke up at this point thinking that I really should never take Benadryl ever again!

Miss Celie, I Feels Like Singing!  I always laughed  little at that scene in The Color Purple as Shug Avery runs to the juke joint to sing.  Today I finally realized that my laughter wasn't at Shug, but with her as I always feel like singing.  Even as I sit here and type I have Pandora running and I'm singing as I type.  Even though I'm fighting coughing fits and laryngitis, I feel like singing.  Even when I'm sad and ready to cry, I feel like singing a sad song.  Even when I'm angry and ready to scream, I feel like singing.  I may not be good and I may never be a professional, but like Shug, I Feels Like Singing!

Day 142: 1/31/12 - "Chances"

"Chances are the fascinations
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them and all I need"

-"Chances" by Five for Fighting

Taking Chances: Sometimes you just have to take a chance - step off of the ledge and hope that somehow, someway there will be something there for you to step upon, or that you'll land on your feet if you fall.  I used to be good at taking chances (very realistic, well thought out ones) but lately I've faltered in my self-faith.  I've allowed doubt to whisper in my ear and tell me that I can't do it...I should be afraid...I shouldn't even try...It's so easy to listen to doubt when it sounds so reasonable.  But not this time...this time I'll listen to that voice that tells me I am strong...that I can do it...that it's my chance to shine...that I should take a chance.

Nightmares: I hate it when I have nightmares, especially very realistic ones that leave you with very real, very visceral reactions.  And if one wasn't bad enough, last night I had two!  I'll detail them here, with the warning that the 2nd one was beyond scary and not something a lot of people will want to read.  Nightmare number one was very odd - I was sitting in a large, sun-drenched board room with others.  And we were all going around in a circle stating our name and our job titles.  When they got to me I realized that I had a job contract in front of me and I was supposed to state my name, my new job title and sign the contract. I remember the feel of the pen in my hand...the heat from the sun, the heavy weight of their stares on me.  And then I pushed the contract away and said "I can't do this."  Then I left.  Switch scenes, I'm now sitting at home with my parents and there is a knock on the door.  There is a man there serving me with a subpoena or summons of some type - I was being sued for breach of contract by the company where I had refused to sign the contract!  I remember waking up gasping and feeling as if I were being watched.  It took me a bit to go back to sleep.  When I finally did, I jumped right into my 2nd nightmare.  Again, a warning as this one was not something I would ever wish on anyone, in dreams or while awake.  I was pregnant but for some reason I was not equating the pains I was having with labor pains.  I decided I needed to take a quick shower, so I hopped in and turned on the hot water.  The next thing I know I feel a sharp pain across my lower abdomen and then the sensation of a baby actually being pushed out of my lower body.  Then I'm holding my baby but she's not breathing and I try everything to get her to breath.  I start screaming and trying to walk and then my father is there and I ask him to take me to the hospital.  Then we are in the car and I'm yelling at my father to drive faster but he won't...he just keeps going about 5 miles an hour and it seems the hospital is just too far away.  I keep trying to breath for my baby, keep crying, and keep yelling at my father.  Then we are at the hospital and they take her away from me...and tell me she is dead...that she never lived...that she never would have lived.  I woke up with a stomach ache and crying for the loss of a child I never had, but I felt the labor, I felt her small limp body, and I cried real tears for her.  Devastating!

Day 133: 1/22/12 - "Giving In"

"Tragic it seems, to be alone again
I'm giving in to you

Take me under
I'm giving in to you
I'm dying tonight
I'm giving in to you
Watch me crumble
I'm giving in to you
I'm crying tonight
I'm giving in to you"

-"Giving In" by Adema

Posting Late:  This post is a day late due the late night I had yesterday.  Sunday was definitely the busiest day I had at conference.  After giving a successful presentation (and rocking my new yellow and black dress), I participated in the LIRT discussion forum, then I headed over to another hotel and participated in my committee meeting.  I then had a chance to change and work on items I needed for the next day.  Then one more informal meeting before we began the round of parties for the nights.  First up was the Thomson-Reuters reception which was at the Magnolia Hotel.  Great event with great food and saw a number of old friends and made some new ones.  Then we headed over to event number two, which was the Proquest Vogue product launch.  Even better food and dancing going on there at the Omni Hotel.  Had to wade through a dust storm to get there but got some nice pics of the Omni all lit up.  After some fun there, headed over to the Elsevier dessert reception at Eddie Deen's.  My friend actually sat on a long horn, while I got to line dance (I learned the wobble!) and tried my hand at mechanical bull riding.  I fell off the bull after only 4 seconds and skinned my arm, but wow, was it fun!  We also got free cowboy hats and got to enjoy a number of different desserts.  Finally we took a cab over to the La Grange for the Mango exclusive party and got to hang out there.  We got back in right at midnight - and I considered it a very successful day! (Pictures below)

A Dream Deferred: I smashed my own dream last night but I'm not worried about it.  I had already realized about a year ago that it was an unrealistic dream that didn't make sense in the long run.  Of course, how I smashed my dream likely didn't make sense either but it was a decision I had already made, so I have no regrets about it.  Now I can move on with more realistic ideas, thoughts, and suggestions.  I might need to put the idea of having real dreams on the back burner for a while and concentrate on living in the here and now.

The Omni Hotel

The holiday ornaments (giant) outside of the Omni

Inside the Omni

Day 126: 1/15/12 - "Hold On"

"I know there's pain

Why do you lock yourself up in these chains?

No one can change your life except for you

Don't ever let anyone step all over you."

-"Hold On" by Wilson Phillips

Letting Go: Have you ever had a moment when you realized that something you had always dreamed of having was never going to happen to or for you?  I've had this happen off and on over the years and always I've just rearranged by dreams so that I was still able to cling to at least part of a dream.  But today I had one of those "never gonna happen" epiphanies and I can honestly say that this one broke my heart.  Today I realized I would never own my own home.  Now, I know what most of you are thinking - isn't it a little too early for me to make this declaration?  But the truth is, I've felt this way for some time. And there is more to this than just money.  Getting enough money to make a down payment on a house is going to be a daunting task.  Getting a bank to give me a loan would be difficult.  Being able to afford the monthly payments, along with the taxes, insurance, and general house maintenance that will be needed - completely out of my reach.  Finding a city I want to live in long enough to actually buy a house?  That might be even more difficult than the money aspects.  Maybe in some ways this will be a good thing.  I won't have anyone to leave a house to anyway, and why would I want to live alone in a house?  The next thing you know I'll go out and start adopting stray animals and become that scary lady down the street that all of the kids are afraid of.  No thank you - I'll stick to apartment living until its time to put me in a nursing home.

No Water: Tomorrow they plan to shut off the water in the complex for most of the day if not longer.  They found a broken water line in the complex and apparently have to turn off all of the water to fix it.  Of course they can't guarantee that they'll even get it fixed by 5.  They would manage to pick a day when everyone will be home due to a holiday.  What are we supposed to do with no water for a day?  The toilets won't even flush without water!  This could get very ugly my friends.  They've told us to fill up our tubs for any water we may need but that won't help me in the kitchen (no way I'm cleaning or cooking with bath tub water!).  I'm off to figure out if I have any containers in the kitchen that will hold some water for me.  *sigh*

Day 115: 1/4/12 - "Burning Bright"

"I feel like there is no need for conversation

Some questions are better left without reason

and I would rather reveal myself than my situation

Now and then I consider, my hesitation

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different

To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence

And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation

Here and now I'll express, my situation

There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right

Such a cruel contradiction

I know I cross the lines it's not easy to define

I'm born to indecision

There's always something new some path I'm supposed to choose

With no particular rhyme or reason

The more the light shines through me

I pretend to close my eyes

The more the dark consumes me

I pretend I'm burning, burning bright"

-"Burning Bright" by Shinedown

Time for Self-Embarrassment: What could I possibly do to embarrass myself to potentially millions of people?  Why, create a video of myself singing and rapping about baseball!  I'll post it here for the enjoyment of my friends (and probably a few strangers).  It's also on my new baseball themed blog throwingcurves.blogspot.com.  Laughing is allowed (I can laugh at myself) but you may not critique my singing or rapping (they weren't meant to be good...just creative!).

 

Updating my CV: It's been awhile since I updated my CV and with evaluation time right around the corner, I decided to tackle it tonight and get it over with.  Needless to say, I hate updating that darn thing!  It's so tedious and trying to remember what I did in the past year is like asking me what I ate ten years ago to the day...I don't know!  I know this should be enough of an incentive for me to now update it as things happen, but the odds of me doing that are slim to none.  In case you are wondering, I actually shortened it by a page.  It was getting too long to be useful!

Dreams or Alternate Realities?  I'm a very big fan of science fiction and fantasy (to the point that I'm trying to write my own stories).  Last night I had one of my strange dreams that felt very real and featured real people with real locations, and real sensations.  So today I had the odd thought that some of my dreams aren't really dreams, but alternate realities...my life in other dimensions, if you will.  What was I doing in this life last night?  I stayed in band and was marching in college.  I was dating one of the tuba players (The realistic sensation?  His lips brushing against the nape of my neck, his hand holding mine).  We were definitely still in college and had lunch at the dining hall. My parents were visiting and were meeting him for the first time (They loved him!).  Then all of a sudden we were walking across campus on our way to class but for some reason there was a strange field of flattened bushes in the way and I had trouble walking across them.  He came back to help me and we were laughing as we stumbled around.  It was a fun dream...one I woke up smiling from.  I wish some things had been even more clear (like his name or his face).  But it was definitely a much better dream than some that I've had!

Day 112: 1/1/12 - "Pardon Me"

"A decade ago, I never thought I would be

At twenty three on the verge of spontaneous combustion woe is me

But I guess that it comes with the territory

An ominous landscape of never-ending calamity.

I need you to hear. I need you to see.

That I have had all I can take

And exploding seems like a definite possibility

To me..."

-"Pardon Me" by Incubus

Today Was Not a Good Day: I should have known when I went to bed feeling sorry for myself that I was not going to have a good day today.  I woke up feeling worse than when I went to bed and the day only went downhill from there.  I can only blame myself for my bad mood and the bad things that happened today.  No one else did anything to make this day worse...it was all me.  I can't put my finger on what exactly sparked my downhill slide.  I've tried to look back at a number of things and see if I could lay the blame on one event, one person, even just one thought, but I honestly can't.  I think it must be a combination of things that have just started to pile up on me and now I feel like I can't move.  I feel old today.  My body hurts.  My mind hurts.  I don't know what to do to make it better.

Dreaming Big: I once wrote that I stopped dreaming, and on some fronts, this is still true.  But I also realized today that in many ways and for many things, I'm still dreaming big.  I know without a doubt that none of these dreams will actually come true, but these are the ones that are still with me.  I'll write about these dreams one day...just not today...

One down...364 to go...

Day 90: 12/10/11 - "Getaway"

"I know this is how I could be over you
You know this is not another waste of time
All this holding on can't be wrong"

-"Getaway" by Train

Scenes from a Run: I always take note of the trash that is thrown out when I run.  Today I went a little furhter than normal and saw more than trash, so I thought I would document it here:

• Cans and Bottles: Talk about litterbugs!  I saw 5 beer cans (the large size ones), 1 beer bottle that was intact and a kaleidoscope of broken bottles that I had to dodge (I kick things up when I run), and three water bottles.  I wish people would stop just throwing things out and at least put them in the trash.  The recycling would be even better.
• Dangerous Drivers: The campaigns aren't working, folks.  The number of people I saw texting while driving or talking on the phone while driving was ridiculous.  One man actually stopped at a green light and then turned right without checking traffic because he was playing with his phone.  To make matters worse, he had a kid in the car with him - so in about five or six years when that kid starts to drive and has a wreck because he's texting, we'll know that it has nothing to do with his age, and everything to do with the bad influence of his father!
• Birds: We haven't had a lot of water lately, so I was surprised to see some standing water at the corner of Bitters and Blanco. I looked to my right as I was passing and saw what I thought was a statue.  It took me a minute to realize it was a white crane!  It was standing in the water and watching a group of ducks a they swam around.  I wanted to take a picture but I knew if I stopped running I would lose my momentum.  It was nice to see though!

Holiday Hell: This holiday is sneaking up on me faster than I want to admit.  I haven't even made arrangements to go home yet (though I promised my family I would come home).  As much as I miss them, I am dreading not only the travel but also just the day to day of not being productive.  I've learned that I can't be productive at home (no Internet, issue with smoke inhalation, tension, stress...none of that says "productivity").  I'll have to find a way to get something done, even if I have to spend the time at the public library.  That might be the best option for me though it still won't guarantee success.

Nightmares: For some reason I've been having nightmares the last few nights.  In one my dad had something wrong with his legs due to his diabetes and had to have his legs amputated (I found this horrifying because it could become all too true).  Then last night I dreamed that I had forgotten to put together my students' final exam and had to try to run back to the library to get to my computer to create it in 20 minutes.  Of course, it took me nearly 4 hours today to actually create it (and yes, the nightmare made me get on the ball today).  I hate dreams that are way too close to the truth!

Day 55: 11/5/11 - "Make Yourself"

"If you let them make you, they'll make you paper mache

At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes

Then you crumble and blow away..."

- "Make Yourself" by Incubus

Pain!  I finished my run today.  Though they seem to be getting more painful as I go along, I know that if I don't get back to running regularly, there is no chance I'll lose the 25 pounds I've gained over the last year.  Today I didn't have my legs while I was running.  I knew it as soon as I set out, not even 1/4 mile into the run and my legs were aching and felt like jello.  I also realized that I felt slower (though a check of the clock told me that I had finished in a similar time as last week).  About twenty feet from the turn around point my left knee started hurting.  Feels like the knee cap is being hit with every stride.  I suspect that it is just arthritis beneath the knee cap (similar to what they cleaned up on my right knee while they were fixing my menisci).  Both my knees and my left hip and my legs are hurting mercilessly.  I want to take one of my anti-inflammatory pills but I'm not sure how it will interact with my thyroid medication.  I'll have to wait until I can get back to the doctor to find out.

No Dreams? I know that I must be dreaming when I sleep but for once I'm not remembering my dreams at all.  I don't know if this is good or bad, since I often have nightmares that I wish I could forget or dreams that are so beautiful and so close to what I want, that I find myself saddened when I wake up and realize that it was just a dream.  I guess you can't have it both ways - either you dream and get used to the idea of remembering them and deal with the bad ones.  Or you don't remember your dreams and you don't worry about it.

New Symptoms: So my newest symptoms are both odd and slightly alarming.  First, I've noticed that my eyes are bothering me more than usual.  I'll have to get that checked out soon so that I don't wind up with some sort of permanent damage.  The odd symptom has been a chance in my taste buds.  Things that used to take fine to me tend to taste sour.  I'm leaning towards preferring bland foods (not something I would normally say) and my sweet tooth is turning into a savory tooth as I crave salty things over sweet things.  Not sure if this is truly related to the medicine or if I'm just being quirky...

Day 22: 10/3/11 - "Glitter in the Air"

"Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone"

-"Glitter in the Air" by Pink

National Night Out: I didn't even realize it was going on until I heard chanting as I worked late tonight. At first I thought the students were rioting (you never know!).  But then I realized they were marching around campus, holding up signs and loudly proclaiming that they were men and women who deserved the right to walk at night.  I wish I had known it was happening before their surprise march-through - would have been good to add some support.

What a Day! I don't even know where to begin - today was one of those days when I wanted to just sit in my office and cry or scream.  Even as I felt I was finally getting a handle on things, something else landed in my lap, on my desk, in my e-mail (you get the picture) and I find myself buried up to my neck once again.  I didn't get off until 7:30 pm - didn't get home until 8:00 pm - and didn't finish my prep work for my class tomorrow until 11:30 pm.  Yes, I am tired.  I think that statement just about sums it up for me from top to bottom.  I'm tired.

Where Did My Dreams Go?  I tried to sit down and think about what my dreams were for myself when I was a little girl and I realized I never really had any.  I think it was because I knew that they would never come true.  I've always been very practical, even from an early age, and I think I knew even back then that dreaming, at least for myself, was a waste of time.  So I dream for others.  I dream that my family members will all have exactly what they truly want out of this life.  I dream that my friends will be happy and also find what they want out of this life.

Anger: I've discovered that my ability to become angry is only matched by how quickly I can become sad.  One minute I'm ready to punch a wall, the next I'm ready to crumple into a corner and bawl (of course, if I punch a hole in the wall I'll automatically need to crumple into a corner to bawl due to the pain).  I'm hoping this is due to the thyroid medication.  I saw an ad on a website (yes, one of those pesky tracking ads that offers me information about things they think I will like) that says that 80% of women on thyroid hormone will never experience stable emotions again.  That is not something I ever wanted to read.