Day 3: 9/14/11 - "Many the Miles"

"There's too many things that I haven't done yet Too many sunsets I haven't seen You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down You would've thought by now I'd have learned something"

-"Many the Miles" by Sara Bareilles

This song helps me when I'm working out - has a nice beat and I find it motivating. I've also found that I'm a huge Sara Bareilles fan in general, but some songs just speak to me. This is one of them. I'm also a huge fan of "Love on the Rocks" and "King of Anything." I'm looking forward to seeing her on The Sing Off this year as a judge (since I know she'll get to perform as well).

But back to business. How was my day? I can call it so-so. Nothing got destroyed but I didn't accomplish anything either. I also find that my cynicism levels seem to be ratcheting up at astronomical levels. I really need to work on that! I woke up sad again (no difference there) but I did sleep 6 hours straight (miracle of all miracles). I was again reminded of my new dependence on medicine when I noticed I have only one pill left of my synthetic thyroid hormone. I'll have to get it refilled tomorrow...if I remember. I may have to investigate HEB's automatic refill program - could be what I need to keep me on track.

I set out to clean my desk off this morning and found myself only able to stack things up in a new location (is shifting a type of cleaning?). I'm worried that things will start to pile up and I won't be able to find anything. I also attended 4 different meetings and planned for my students' library session tomorrow. Since I'm no longer worried about teaching as part of a research study that I was originally part of, I've decided to let my students learn through gaming - something I prefer to do if I can.

Fun and Games. So I checked out the "Let the Games Begin" book that I have a chapter in (along with a good friend), and I think I'm going to try to modify and use one of the games for researching. I will, of course, post more about this tomorrow and let you know how it goes. I really hope they have a good time and learn while doing this activity. I watch them now and realize just how far away from my own freshman year I am, and just how far I was away from these students even then. I would not have fit in with them - I have trouble understanding them - and I struggle to help them to be successful. Sometimes I fight the urge to just let them fail...that's how I was raised.

Is Failure Good? Trying to figure out if failure is a good thing is likely one of those questions that has bothered a number of people for a number of years. I know some people believe that failure can be good - that it can teach someone how to be stronger. But I've also seen people fail and not bounce back. What of those people? What if I could have prevented their failure (at whatever activity)? Where does my responsibility end, especially when talking about students in my class? I don't have an answer, but maybe one day I will.

My Own Failures: I have too many to list but once I started this post, I realized that I needed to write some of them down, so here goes:

• I have yet to finish any of the books I've been writing. (Sorry HDC!)
• I have not finished the giant afghan I've been working on for 2 years now. (Sorry Sweetings!)
• I've failed at being a good daughter, sister, and friend. I'm a terrible friend by the way, just in case some of you are wondering.
• I'm too selfish (is this a failing or just a bad character trait?).
  
• I've failed at maintaining my weight loss and healthy lifestyle (up 27 pounds...not sure if I will ever lose it).
• I've failed at playing tennis.
• I've failed at my quest to always be honest with others and myself. This might be my biggest failing, so I don't think I need to go any further since this pretty much encompasses a lot of things that I've failed at.

So Why Are You Running Away? I ran a 5k this morning...on the treadmill...in 37 minutes and 27 seconds. My best clocked time ever in a 5k is 31 flat. I wonder if I'll ever get back there? I can honestly say that I'm hurting a lot after this run and my knee and ankle both don't appreciate the bad treatment I've given them. I'll just have to ignore them and keep going...or risk being up more than 27 pounds. But will my body hold up to allow me to lose the weight in the only way I know how (by running)? Only time will tell.

Day 2: 9/13/11 - "Drown"

"So soon you will learn to forget
Bad times, the rules and regrets
One day they won’t reach out for you"

-"Drown" by Carolina Liar

Sometimes songs follow me, and as I listen to the lyrics I often feel as if they are speaking to me or for me. This was the case both yesterday on the way home from work and today, on the way in to work, as "Drown" by Carolina Liar was playing on my satellite radio. I have to say that I enjoy Carolina Liar, so I'm not surprised that I liked this song as well.

What a strange day! Today was a teaching day, and my students had to present their summer projects. Needless to say, they ranged from artsy to intellectual, but overall, they were very thoughtful! A few of my students did collages, and a couple did dioramas (I had to ask someone what this was since I didn't know). I find that I get most of joy these days from being with my students. They make me laugh, and sometimes they make me want to cry. But no matter what, they make me care - and this is what I think has been missing for me lately.
Cupcakes, Cupcakes Everywhere - And Plenty to Eat! To treat my students I also made them cupcakes today. The requests were for chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry (Neapolitan cupcakes - go figure!), so I made them all from scratch. And then, surprise!, one of my students made me cupcakes, with sprinkles since yesterday was my birthday. Thanks Nancy - they were delicious!

And for those who are health-conscious (as I am), I did bring some fresh fruit for those students who didn't want to cupcakes.

Chocolate Cupcakes

2 cups sugar
3/4 cup cocoa
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
2 eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 cup boiling water
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 cup milk
2 tsp vanilla

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and line cupcake pans with baking liners. In the mixer, combine the dry ingredients and combine. Add in the eggs, vegetable oil, milk, and vanilla, and mix well. Pour in the boiling water and stir. The batter will be thin. Pour into prepared pans and bake for 18 - 22 minutes. Remove from oven and cool in pan for a few minutes, then remove and cool on wire racks.

Strawberry Cupcakes
24 oz of strawberries
1-2 tsp sugar
1/4 cup milk at room temperature
6 large egg whites at room temperature
1 tbsp vanilla extract
2 1/4 cup cake flour
1 3/4 cup sugar
4 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 1/2 sticks butter, softened

If strawberries were not frozen or saved from before, slice and toss lightly with 1-2 tsp of sugar. Allow to sit out for 2 hours to allow them to form some juice. Place into blender or food processor and puree. You'll use about 3/4 cup of this puree in the batter.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line cupcake pan with liners.
Combine the strawberry puree, milk, eggs, vanilla, and mix with a fork. Put the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt into the mixer and combine on low. Add the butter until the mixture resembles moist crumbs. Add the liquids and beat at medium speed for 1 minute or until fully mixed. Then hand beat the batter for 30 seconds. Pour into prepared pans and bake for 20 - 25 minutes. You can use the rest of the puree on the cakes before you ice them, or reserve and use later.

Remove from oven and let cool in pans for about 10 minutes. Then remove to wire racks.

Vanilla Cupcakes
1/2 cup butter, at room temperature
2/3 cup sugar
3 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp sat
1/4 cup milk.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and line a cupcake pan with liners. Beat the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add in the eggs one at a time. Beat in the vanilla. Whisk the flour, baking powder, and salt together in a separate bowl. Add the flour and the milk alternately in 3 additions, flour - milk - flour (ending with flour). Batter will be fairly thick. Spoon batter into prepared pans and bake for 15 to 20 minutes.

Basic Buttercream Icing

Now that I've learned how to make buttercream, I flat out hate buying icing at the store. This basic recipe produces a very nice batch of buttercream every time I make it.

1 cup softened butter (unsalted)
3 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 tbsp boiled, hot water
1tsp vanilla extract

Beat the butter until it is soft and fluffy (the amount of time will depend on a number of things, including the temperature and where you live, so it could take 2 minutes or 5 minutes or more). Add in the sugar, hot water, and vanilla extract and beat until pale and creamy. It usually takes me a good 5 to 10 minutes to get the buttercream to the consistency I like.

The Perils of Driving to Work

So after loading up the cupcakes (I only iced the strawberry ones before going to work), I was driving very carefully so that I did not upset the cupcakes. But alas, how I drive isn't important - it is how others drive. And someone not paying attention and tailgating managed to nearly cause a 3 car pile-up (with me as the 3rd car). Luckily I was watching and started braking very early. But when I got to work, of course the cupcakes had flipped upside down in their container. The only good news? The buttercream held up and I didn't lose any! I finished icing the others at work (so much easier and less mess). The students enjoyed them and my colleagues got the left overs.

So Where Am I At Today?

Sorry to say that I didn't wake up happy this morning. I'm trying to monitor this so that I don't take my anger or sadness in to work. Luckily the students gave me a burst of energy that lasted about an hour. Then I found myself exhausted and dragging out of the door at 6:30 pm, feeling like I was even further behind than when I started that day. It's mostly an illusion but I know some of it is real. I'll try not to let this feeling get to me as well. Day 2 has been survived. On to day 3.

Day 1: 9/12/2011 - Why My Birthday Means It's Time For a Change

So already I'm breaking my own "resolution" to post to this blog every day for a year. I'll do two posts today, to make up for the lack of a post on my official "1st" day.

So yesterday was my birthday, and though I normally don't bother to truly celebrate (sometimes friends will drag me out), I realized yesterday that this is the 2nd birthday that I'm truly spending alone. The other one doesn't count because I was driving up to Seattle to start school and I really had no choice...it was also the day after 9/11. Needless to say, I was hit hard by this fact and was nearly swamped by overwhelming feelings of isolation, desolation, and just plain old sadness.

Now, I can try to blame a number of things for these feelings:

1. I was exactly 1 month removed from major surgery.
2. This surgery left me with the need to take medication for the rest of my life and my body is just not used to the medication yet.
3. I'm stressed from work.
4. I miss my family.

I could go on, but I think you get the point. With all of that said, what I realized is that I truly just have too much weighing on my mind right now.

What to Do, What to Do? I have no easy solution for myself to pull myself up and out of the dumps. Used to be I could just go for a run, and bam! the endorphines would kick in. But, still recovering from surgery and dealing with a bum knee and ankle, that's just not an option any more. I honestly don't know what to do, but I can say that I know I need to get some of this off of my chest. So, for the first time in over 20 years, I'm going to try journaling. But why am I using a public blog to do this? Not sure, call it my cry for help. Call it my need to have others understand. Or, just call it a convenient way for me to vent. What I do know is that I'll not always be venting, or crying, or sad. Some days I hope to be hopeful, and happy, and also posting fun things (including recipes!).

Plus, who's reading this anyway?

I think this is long enough for the first official post. Might as well close it fully:

"Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday Dear Kawanna, Happy Birthday to Me."

Snickerdoodles to Celebrate the New School Year!

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups sugar
1/2 cup butter
1 tsp vanilla
2 eggs
1/8 to 1/4 cup skim milk
2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp cream of tartar
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt

2 tbsp. sugar
1 -2 tsp cinnamon

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Line two cookie sheets with parchment paper. In a large bowl (or a mixer bowl) combine the sugar and butter until combined (mixture will not be smooth or fluffy, but make sure it is not chunky). Add in the vanilla and the eggs, beating until well combined. In a separate bowl, combine the flour, cream of tartar, baking soda and salt. Pour the flour mixture into the sugar mixture and beat until combined. If your dough is too dry (like course meal) to form into a dough, begin adding skim milk slowly until a soft dough begins to form.

In a small bowl, combine the 2 tbsp sugar and cinnamon.

Use a cookie scoop or spoon to scoop up dough and roll between hands to form one-inch balls. Roll the dough balls in the sugar/cinnamon mixture and place on prepared cookie sheet. Take a glass or cup with a flat bottom, wet it and dip it into the sugar mixture. Use the sugared glass/cut to slightly flatten the dough balls.

Bake in pre-heated oven for 6 to 8 minutes or until only slightly brown on the bottom. Tops should still be dough colored or only slightly-browned (but make sure they are not too doughy).

Cool on cookie sheet for about one minute before removing to a wire rack.

Enjoy!

Peanut Butter, Oatmeal, Banana, Chocolate Chip Muffins

By popular demand, here is my recipe for PBOBC Muffins (I need a better name!)

Ingredients:

1 cup flour (I used whole wheat)
3/4 cup quick cooking oats
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 egg
3 ripe bananas
1/2 cup peanut butter
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup chocolate chips (I used minis)
1 cup milk
2/3 cup sugar (I used Splenda!)

Preparation:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Prepare your muffin pans either with paper baking cups or by spraying with non-stick spray.

Peel the bananas and either mash them and put them into a large bowl, or if using a stand mixer, toss them into the mixer and "beat" on low speed until fairly mashed. Add the egg and mix until blended. Then add in the sugar, vanilla, and the milk. After well-blended, add in the peanut butter and mix for about a minute on low speed.

Place the dry ingredients into a smaller bowl and combine. Add to the mixture in the bowl and mix well. Pour in the chocolate chips and mix in on low.

Use a large spoon or an ice cream scoop to drop the batter into the muffin pan. You can either make 12 large muffins or 24 small muffins.

Bake at 350 for about 20 - 25 minutes. Check with a toothpick and remove to cool once done.

Note that I didn't use any oil or butter in this recipe. I always find the bananas to be enough to hold everything together, but if you feel you might need something else, you can always add some applesauce, or if you want to add butter, about 1/4 cup would be my suggestion.

Enjoy!

The Nikhat Hat - Knitting Pattern

So, I'm finally getting around to posting this to my knitting/cooking/everything else blog. For those who were waiting - hope it was worth the wait!

This pattern works over 12 stitches, so when sizing for the hat you'll want to take that into consideration when picking your number of stitches to cast on. I've made this hat 3 times in 3 size, and the small, medium and large seem to work out to around 72 stitches cast on for small, 84 for medium and 96 for large. Of course, you'll want to check your gauge and your yarn type when making this decision as well.

On smaller circular needles (size 7 or 8), cast on your stitches for the size hat you want to make.
Create a 1-1/2 inch bottom band (or size to your liking) by knitting about 12 rows in garter stitch. Decrease or increase the number of rows for a smaller or wider band.

Now start working the hat pattern (switch to larger sized needles - I used 10-1/2 circular)
Row 1: K2, *(yo, k2tog) 4 times, K4. Repeat from * to last 2 stitches, end K2.
Row 2: K2, *P8, K4. Repeat from * to last 2 stitches, end K2.

Repeat rows 1 and 2 until the hat measures about an inch smaller than the final size of the hat you want to make. My gauge worked out to about 8 inches of pattern.

Switch back to the smaller needles and knit 2 rows in garter stitch.

Begin decreasing by 12 stitches in knit. For 96 stitches, I did the following:

• *K6, K2tog. Repeat from * to end (84 stitches)
• *K5, K2tog. Repeat from * to end (72 stitches)
• *K4, K2tog. Repeat from * to end (60 stitches)
• *K3, K2tog. Repeat from * to end (48 stitches)
• *K2, K2tog. Repeat from * to end (36 stitches)
• *K1, K2tog. Repeat from * to end (24 stitches)
• *K2tog. Repeat from * to end (12 stitches)
• *K2tog. Repeat from * to end (6 stitches)

Cut yarn and leave a long tail (about 24 inches or longer). Pull the yarn through the remaining stitches on the needle, then remove the needle and pull the loose yarn tight.

Flip the hat inside out, and using the long tail, sew the side together from the top down.

*Note: I actually changed the way I decreased for each hat relying on eyeing the shape of the hat to determine how fast to decrease. For one hat I had to decrease then straight knit, decrease, straight knit. For another hat I was able to decrease on each row. How you decide to do it will depend on how you think the hat looks.

Have fun with it!

Is Everyone Out to Get Google Now?

So I ran across this article through ALA's newsletter (sometimes they send along items that are actually of interest to me!) and this one really struck a cord with me.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/07/technology/07google.html

I've been talking to my students in my Honors course about Google and Copyright and why there were issues with the whole project. Most of them have an opinion or two about the topic but only a couple felt strongly (that it would be a good idea for Google to actually scan all of the books in the world, as they put it). So not only was this article timely for my class, but I also realized that after the last couple of years of talking about the pros and cons of this issue, that I also found my own opinion changing.

Maybe it's because I've always felt that people tend to go after those who are on top - those with the money and the power whether they were doing something wrong or not. I didn't really see Google in that light until recently when I started to get the sense that everyone was filing suit against Google just because they could (Google's got the money, right? I want a piece of that action too!). Okay, so maybe it's not all about that...even I think that Google can get a little too carried away and consolidating all of your eggs into one basket is never a good idea (especially if you are trusting that basket to someone else). But come on people! Does everyone really need a piece of the pie?

I guess what I'm saying is that I really wish we could find a solution to this so that Google can get on with what should be the focus of their "little" pet project...digitizing those books! Hope they can find a fair way to do this soon!