Day 311: 7/18/12 - "Missouri"

"You came here in search of something true

Looks like, girl, your search isn't through..."

-"Missouri" by David Nail

Oh, Verizon, At Least You Didn't Piss Me Off Tonight (At Least Not Too Much).  I hate it when I get a bill online that I know should be a certain amount but when I open the e-mail, I see that it is higher than expected.  This always starts me on a quest to figure out what changed and to see if I need to dispute anything.  This time Verizon was wrong (they did not apply one of my discounts), and though I explained to the phone agent what the problem was, he still went through the long process of trying to "figure out" what I was talking about.  After five minutes I again pointed out to him what the issue was and he was like, "Oh, I see what you mean.  Let me fix that."  If he had listened to me right away, I would have been off of the phone a lot faster!  But at least they fixed the problem which was the biggest issue for me.

Not So Fast, Medco.  If it wasn't Verizon, it was Medco and HEB.  So here's the saga of the 90 day prescription.  I asked my doctor if I could move to a 90 day prescription since my medicine and health were stable.  He said, "Sure!  I'll write you a new prescription."  I drop off the prescription at HEB (my pharmacy) and then go back the next day to pick it up.  When I get there, I'm told the cost will be $10.  I'm happy - that's only $2 more than my 30 day supply!  But when I ask the pharmacy tech to confirm that it is a 90 day supply she says, "No, this is the 30 day."  I explain to her that my prescription was for 90 days so she goes off to check.  After a few minutes and a short discussion with the pharmacist, she comes back to tell me that my insurance won't allow a 90 day prescription.  At this point, I'm mad, but then I ask her why my prescription is now $10 then - why the change in price?  She can't explain it so I leave the prescription and go home to figure things out.  Today I figure out that I can only get a 90 day supply through Medco by mail.  If I go to a retail place, then I can only get a 30 day supply.  The wait time for the 90 day?  1 - 2 weeks!  the cost?  $20.  I call the HEB pharmacy because they never filled my 90 day prescription - they only did a refill since it was for the same medicine and I had refills left.  They said that if I used their discount program I could get my 90 day supply for $9.99 and the program only costs $5.  I was sold - now I have a program I won't be able to use once I move...but I have my 90 day supply!

Baking Blueberry Bombs!  Why do I call my blueberry muffins, bombs?  Because those wonderfully juicy berries tend to explode in the oven!  The muffins turned out great and because I made them with Splenda and applesauce, they are only 85 calories each!  Yum!  I had them with blueberry tea and it was marvelous!

Day 310: 7/17/12 - "Overjoyed"

"Over time, I've been building my castle of love
Just for two, though you never knew you were my reason...

And though the odds say improbable
What do they know
For in romance
All true love needs is a chance
And maybe with a chance you will find
You too like I
Overjoyed, over loved, over you, over you"

-"Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder

Break It To Me Quickly: Sometimes giving bad news is harder than it should be.  There is some bad news that is impossible.  We all know this.  But there is other bad news that can be given in a way that is not as negative as it is often made out to be by the directives of others.  Let me do it my way, please, and see where we get.  Nope, you want us to do it your way, piecemeal, and people are upset because they know they aren't getting the full story.  The "I don't care" attitude is creeping up on me and I'm having to fight it down.

On a Lighter...Hmmm...Well, Sort of Lighter Note: Here are the pics of the baked goods from last night and links to the recipes.

I made the Almond Fudge Topped Shortbread recipe from Eaglebrand.com, and the Creamy Chocolate Streusel Bar (which was my favorite!), also from Eaglebrand.com.  Both were a bit of a doozy to make (having to make the "crust" and then make the filling is always a challenge when balancing two different recipes at the same time.  I'll have to make some adjustments for the next time, mostly with the almond fudge topped one (didn't let my sugar melt enough!).  The Chocolate Streusel was a bit of a pain in the butt to make, but tasty, tasty, tasty!  They were a hit at work (as usual), and I'll likely consider making them again.

Day 309: 7/16/12 - "Half Moon Bay"

"You save my life with every word you say

You shine your light for me to find a way

Just hold me tight and cross your heart to stay..."

-"Half Moon Bay" by Train

The S*it Hitting the Fan...Again...It seems to never end around here!  Seriously, people, what are you thinking?  Oh, that's right - no thinking involved.  Oh well, we'll figure something out soon - though I'm sure that it won't happen before I'm gone.  Trying to fight these "I don't give a f*ck" feelings that keep going through me on a daily basis.  I'm better than that...aren't I?

Bars..Something New!  I was supposed to make fudge tonight but ran into a problem...not enough sugar in the house!  So I settled for making two different bar cookies.  They are cooking in the fridge so no pics tonight, but I'll post pics tomorrow.  I'm a little concerned about one of them - I got carried away with the vanilla at the end.  The only good news is that the recipe called for almond extract which is much stronger - if I had goofed with that, I likely would have ruined the entire batch!

Day 293: 6/30/12 - "Bully"

"It’s 8 A.M.
This hell I’m in
Seems I’ve crossed the line again
For being nothing more than who I am"

-"Bully" by Shinedown

One More Day In Paradise: It's sad to think I'll be heading back home tomorrow after what has felt like too short of a time here with my friend.  I can admit that its been like living in an alternate reality where I could do what I wanted to do and not get into trouble for slacking.  Tomorrow I hop on a plane and return to what is my so-called life.  I'll say goodbye to a good friend who has helped me to have at least a few days of peace (if not quiet with my three favorite pups!).  I'll see how quickly I bounce back from traveling since I have to be at work bright and early.  Wish me luck!

Baking Extravaganza: Just wanted to make sure I posted some pics of all the things I've been cooking while at my friend's house.  Here it is for your drooling pleasure!

Day 274: 6/11/12 - "Everybody Bleeds The Same"

"If it's fear that you feel
The fear exists on a larger scale
Spin the world and stop it still
Anywhere you land, anyone you kill
You are gonna find that

Everybody bleeds the same after all
Everybody feels the same pain
And the preachers preach
And they write it all down like they know
But the secret is
Everybody bleeds the same..."

- "Everybody Bleeds The Same" by Ferras

Decisions, Decisions:  Some decisions are easier than others.  I know that when I chose to come here to San Antonio, I found it to be an easy decision.  I'm now faced with another big decision and this one is so far from easy that I can't even call it difficult...it might damn well be impossible.  No matter what I do I will have to give up something.  And I won't have any way of knowing which is the better decision (note, I don't say "right" decision) until after I make it.  And then there is no way to truly compare things anyway since I have to try to compare apples to oranges.  *sigh*  I need to sleep on it!

Cookie Experimentation:  Decided to tweak my cookie recipes tonight.  Didn't touch thr M&M one - it tends to be fine nut added a few different spices to the chocolate ones and decided to change up the oatmeal ones by throwing some almonds, white chocolate chips, and cranberries to it.  Yum!

Crazy Celebrations: Am I the only one who thinks that some sports have the most dangerous celebrations?  The piling on at the end of some games in some sports (baseball and basketball, namely) is downright stupid.  The person on the bottom could easily get seriously hurt!  And the jumping onto home plate in baseball?  Kenji Morales...enough said.  But nothing scares me more than hockey...when a team wins and everyone goes to mob one or two people...and they are all wearing skates...with blades...oh yeah, that's just not intelligent!

Day 267: 6/4/12 - "Voices"

"You could say I'm a little bit crazy

You could call me insane

Walkin' round with all these whispers

Runnin' round here in my brain..."

-"Voices" by Chris Young

When it Starts to Get to You: I know I'm letting things get to me when I start to forget things that I shouldn't.  Today I barely remembered I was supposed to be at work early and made it just on time.  Then I forgot that I had switched desk shifts around and actually didn't have to be at the desk, but still rushed through my lunch as if I had to be (my stomach did not appreciate the abuse).  I made it through the rest of the afternoon and thought it was getting better, but I got home and realized I was supposed to stop at the store to pick up some butter for the baking I had to do.  I got lucky when I found I had enough (just enough) to make my batch of buttercream.  And then...the buttercream fell apart!  And I had no more butter - I was so upset!  Then I sat down and decided to do my post (before I forgot one more thing).  I logged into my e-mail just to see what was there and low and behold - I got my reminder for my two chat shifts...that I had forgotten completely.  Jeez...I feel like such a dumb ass right now!  I have to get it together and soon - I can't keep letting the actions of others (or the inactions in some cases) ruin my life.  I have to focus, accomplish as much as I can and try to be my best - that is all I can do!

Banana Cream Cupcakes: Since I messed up the buttercream, I don't have any nice pictures to post, but at least I can report that the cupcakes themselves (vanilla with banana cream and banana with banana cream) were absolutely delicious...moist, soft, and tasty!  Then I killed the butter cream and ruined everything.  I won't post a picture of the ruined buttercream - it breaks my heart to even think about it.  And what a waste of ingredients!  I think that bothers me more than anything else.  I hate wasting anything!

Day 264: 6/1/12 - "11am"

"seven a.m.,
the garbage truck beeps as it backs up
and I start my day thinking about what I've thrown away.
Could I push rewind?
The credits traverse signifying the end but I missed the best part.
Could we please go back to start?

Forgive my indecision..."

-"11am" by Incubus

No Sleep...My smoke alarms started malfunctioning last night right around 11pm.  It happened once, then an hour later, then 5 minutes later, then 10 minutes later.  It tried to go to bed with cotton in my ears and hoped for the best, but I was so tense waiting for the stupid thing to beep that I didn't fall asleep until 3pm.  Then someone's car alarm malfunctioned and started going off at 5am.  I finally made myself get up at 6am since it was pretty much a lost cause.  I was so tired at work today I could barely see straight let alone think straight!  I'm going to have to do some work over the weekend to actually catch up on things. 


Farewell: Today we had a short going away party for a staff member who will be going to another local university.  Though we were there for to say goodbye, I couldn't help but to notice the cake that was catered.  I was surprised by the lack of quality shown in the cake.  It was a marble cake with vanilla icing.  The icing was definitely not fresh buttercream (tasted like it came out of a canister).  The cake was moist though and fairly tasty (if not a little lopsided...though I know how that can happen!).  Even the decorations were basic - not sure what the Libraries paid for the cake, but I suspect they were overcharged...And that's not just the baker in me jealously talking!

Day 262: 5/30/12 - "It's My Life"

"Funny how I blind myself
I never knew
If I was sometimes played upon
Afraid to lose

Oh, I'd tell myself
What good do you do
Convince myself

Oh, It's my life
Don't you forget
Oh, It's my life
It never ends (It never ends...)

And I've asked myself
How much do you
Commit yourself?"

-"It's My Life" by No Doubt

New Toy: I have a new favorite kitchen toy...my cupcake corer!  I used to use a knife or a small cookie scoop to try to core cupcakes for fillings.  Those methods aren't perfect and I often made more of a mess than anything else.  This simple little $5 tool makes quick work of creating a core, isn't messy and looks like a flower! And the color matches the color scheme in my kitchen!

Why did I need a cupcake corer?  Why, to put cream fillings into my cupcakes, of course!  Why else would anyone need one?  I might post pictures of the cupcakes, though I must say they are pretty basic looking.  The chocolate cream filling I created to go in the middle...now that tasted delicious!  Here are some pics!

Day 260: 528/12 - "City"

"Calling out somebody save me I feel like I'm fading away
Am I gone?
Calling out somebody save me i feel like I'm fading

In these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
There's nothing here to hold on to
Could i hold on to you?"

-"City" by Sara Bareilles

You Don't Have to Lie: I'm used to people not wanting me around, not wanting to spend time with me.  I don't need you to lie to me if you don't want to see me. Just say you're busy, or don't call at all.  I'm not going to pester you or stalk you.  If you say you're going to call and you don't (and I know you aren't dead) then I take it to mean you just don't want to talk to me.  That's cool.  Don't try to force things and then when you realize you don't want to actually bother with me, you make up some lame lie that I can easily see through.  That actually makes me feel worse than if you were just honest and said "go away, leave me alone, not interested."  I would find that much less cruel and more to my liking.  Honesty...so hard to come by these days.  It's okay though, I don't hold it against you for not wanting to spend time with me...most people don't want to.  The few who do are truly special...I miss them a lot on days like this...

Holiday Work: Working on a holiday is always a little odd.  Mostly because people who come into the library look at you with expressions that say both "thank you for being here -and what the heck are you doing here?"  I hate to tell them that they can't have it both ways.  They are happy that the library is open but they feel bad that someone has to work in order for it to actually be that way.  I did get a thank you from a faculty member who was glad we were open.  I guess that is something!  But I think if someone actually worked out the cost of having someone with my salary working on a holiday and the amount of work I actually did (or the type of work), they would say that I shouldn't be working on that holiday.  I get paid for the holiday and I get comp time for working.  Just a reminder that we need to fix the staffing issues we have right now - we can't sustain this any more...

Blueberry/Peach Cobbler: I tried my hand at making a cobbler tonight.  It was pretty easy, though nothing like the way my mom makes her fantastic blackberry cobbler.  But I found some recipes online and combined them into something that turned out to be edible.  I especially like the topping.  It was funny to see the different types of toppings that people put on their cobblers.  There was the crumbled style, the biscuit style, the cake style, the bread pudding style.  I'm not sure what mine is, but it sure did look good!

Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter?  WTF?????

Day 247: 5/15/12 - "Hold On"

"There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart

But it's no one's fault, no, it's not my fault

And maybe all the plans we made might not work out..."

-"Hold On" by Michael Buble

Savory: I finally had to take a break from baking the sweets tonight since I hadn't eaten a real dinner in a couple of nights.  But I still wanted to bake, so I ended up making mini chicken pot pies using my large muffin tin.  I must say they turned out very well considering the last minute process I used to put them together.  Here is how I constructed these masterpieces:

1 can of mixed vegetables, drained
1 can of reduced fat cream of mushroom soup
8 oz of chicken breast (pre-cooked and cubed)
Homemade pie crust (1 cup whole wheat flour, 1 cup all purpose flour, 1/2 cup shortening (or butter), 1/4 tsp salt, 1 tsp baking powder, and cold water).

If your chicken is not pre-cooked, go ahead and bake it, cool it and cube it.  Set aside in a bowl.  Drain the mixed vegetables and add to the bowl.  Then add the cream of mushroom soup and salt and pepper to taste; stir to combine.  Set aside.  To make the crust, combine the flour, salt and baking powder in a large bowl.  Add the shortening and use a fork to cut into the mixture.  When it resembles course meal, create  well in the center and add your cold water with a tablespoon.  Add 1-2 tablespoons at a time and stir to combine.  The mixture should start to form a soft dough.  Don't add too much water, just add enough to create a ball of dough that can be rolled.  Pour some flour out onto a clean, flat surface and roll out flat and thin.  Use a bowl with an approximately 4 inch diameter to cut the dough into small circles.  Spray your muffin tin and then place the large circles of dough into the tin.  Add the chicken, vegetable, sauce mixture.  With the remaining dough roll and cut out slightly smaller circles (a large biscuit or round cookie cutter usually works).  Layer two to three of these smaller circles on top of each of the muffins to create a lid for your pot pies.  Bake in a 350 degree oven for 17 to 20 minutes.  Remove and carefully use a knife to separate the edges from the tin, then carefully lift the mini pies from the pan.  Here is what it looked like for me:

Muffin cups with pie crust dough

Chicken mixture added

top layers of dough

finished product

 

Day 246: 5/14/12 - "Gravity"

"Set me free, leave me be

I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall

I'm just the way I'm supposed to be..."

-"Gravity" by Sara Bareilles

Fresh is Best:  I revamped my strawberry cupcakes with strawberry frosting.  Instead of pureeing the strawberries for the frosting, I chopped them into small chunks and then mixed them in after I had already made the buttercream.  I had a little trouble piping them since the frosting had chunks of strawberries in it, but the color is great and the flavor was nice and fresh!  I hope it stays that way - I'm not sure what will happen after they are refrigerated for a day.  I suspect that a day is all they will last.  I also made a lemon cupcake with a lemon buttercream. I may have overdone the lemon slightly, but it was super tangy and I really like it that way.  It makes up for the fact that the cake itself is flavored more subtly with the lemon.  I'm discovering that though it is tougher to determine consistency, etc., the flavors are much better when you use fresh ingredients.  No dyes to create the color of the cupcakes themselves, or the icing.  No puddings to get the strawberry flavor (if you want strawberry, make it with strawberries, not some flavoring that has all kinds of non-strawberry items in it!).

Strawberry Cupcakes

Lemon Cupckaes

Someone Else's Pain: Tonight I know I won't sleep but not because of my own pain or issues that I'm dealing with, but because of someone else's pain.  I waited to see remorse or any inkling of care for the upheaval they were causing today and saw none of it.  It was almost as if they didn't care at all.  I'm not cut out to be that cut throat or uncaring about someone else.  I don't fit in here - it's time to listen to my heart and go where it can be happy.

Day 243: 5/11/12 - "The Remedy (I Won't Worry)"

"When I fall in love,
I take my time
There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind
You can turn off the sun,
but I'm still gonna shine and I'll tell you why...

Because

The remedy is the experience,
This is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy, is that it's serious.
This is a strange enough new play on words
I said the tragedy is how you're gonna spend,
The rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I won't worry my life away..."

-"The Remedy (I Won't Worry" by Jason Mraz

Worrisome: I spent a long night unable to sleep due to the actions of others only to have their plans thwarted...at least for a few days.  I plan to go into this weekend with a sense of purpose and actually get some things done.  But I also plan to accomplish a few things for me this weekend, even if all I do is my laundry!  How does that help me? It will keep me from running around naked, for one.  And I'll get some of my favorite clothes back, and stop having to dig into the back of my closet.  Monday will be here soon enough...I need to enjoy what time I have now.

Just Got Paid...Sort of!  My friend/colleague already paid me for the cake I made (I told her to wait, but she insisted).  I won't say how much she gave me but I will say that I think she overpaid me.  But she wouldn't let me give her any change back.  So I'll have to find another way to sneak some money to her (I'm creative, I'll figure it out!).  But it was nice to actually make the cake, decorate and deliver it.  I almost felt like a true baker for a moment there!

It's All In What You Say: I've been torn about a relationship I've sort of been in for a while now.  I had finally made the decision to just stop everything - I didn't feel it was working for me and I was tired.  Then they asked me why - really asked me why and I told them.  Then I asked them to answer a serious question for me - I asked them why me?  For the first time they actually answered me truthfully - no games, no jokes, no playing around, no trying to sound glib or cool.  A truly insightful, deep response.  What do I do now?  I take time to digest their words and I admit that I may need to reevaluate my decision to not give us a try...and wonder if now it is too late because of me.  Relationships just aren't easy, are they?

Day 242: 5/10/12 - "Sweeter"

"I just wanna take

Someone else's holiday

Sometimes the grass is greener

And someone else's sugar

Someone else's sugar's

Sweeter...."

-"Sweeter" by Gavin DeGraw

Guilt Ridden: I've always said that I would prefer to know something rather than be blindsided by a piece of information.  But now I'm starting to see the benefits of plausible deniability.  And the guilt that comes with knowing something but not being able to do anything about it is still guilt, which means it still lingers and eats at you and keeps you from sleeping, or eating, or whatever it is you do in response.  I won't sleep well tonight and I won't sleep well over the weekend, and I won't sleep well for at least 10 more days.  Even when you know you didn't do anything wrong, that you didn't cause something to happen, it doesn't absolve you from the guilt you feel as a human. On one level I'm glad I feel this way because if I didn't, then I'd know that I had finally hit that point of not caring about anyone or anything.  Now, how to get over the imagine guilt I feel for a fantasy I've been having for about a year now.  Yes, I dreamed about it, thought it up, and hoped against all hope that it would happen - knowing full well that it would never happen. Now I'm one step closer to that fantasy than I ever thought I would get and I feel pretty damn guilty about it.  I didn't cause this step to happen (my dreams, and hopes, and wishes don't have that kind of power), but it has happened and I feel responsibility for the sadness that is involved with my happiness.

Crazy Cake: So I finished the cake commissioned by my colleague (that is a lot of Cs).  I'm not sure how I feel in the long run.  On one hand I think I executed very well.  But on the other I feel as if I didn't do my best or that I at least have a lot to learn (and I need to practice) to be better.  But I do think I did a pretty nice job considering I have no training, am self-taught, and don't have the type of kitchen or tools that I really need to do this professionally.  I've told the person to pay me what they think they cake is worth.  I honestly think they could just have it for free - it needs work.  But I do need to at least recoup my supplies.  But I do hope they still like it!  Here are the pics of the process and the final product.

The cake halves with buttercream between them...

Peanut Butter Buttercream...a lot of it!

Separating out the Reese's Pieces

Iced the Cake...

Graduation cap piped on.

Vanilla buttercream colored as orange as I could get it!

Added the tassel and the wording...

Added some stars around the top

Added Reese's pieces and a bottom border

Close up of the Reese's Pieces

Another view of the Reese's Pieces on the sides.

Day 241: 5/9/12 - "A Change Would Do You Good"

"A change,

Would do you good,
I think a change,
Would do you good...

I've been thinking 'bout catching a train,
Leave my phone machine by the radar range,
"Hello it's me, I'm not at home,
If you'd like to reach me, leave me alone"

-"A Change Would Do You Good" by Sheryl Crow

Some Change is Good!  Some news comes to you and you file it away for later use.  Other news comes to you and you immediately feel and see the impact it has on you and on others. Today was a day like that as both types of news were heard today.  What it will truly mean will depend on how others respond to it, but I, at least, am left with both good and bad feelings about the future.  This is one time we'll just have to wait and see.

Cake Baking - Day 1: Today I baked both the chocolate and vanilla cakes for the cake I'm making.  What did I learn during this process?  That my chocolate cake recipe is better for cupcakes and too moist for larger cakes (though it will still work).  My vanilla cake is ideal for this type of cake (a little thicker than most cakes but still moist and soft).  I made up a batch of peanut butter buttercream and halved both cakes.  They are now cooling in the fridge and waiting for tomorrow.  Tomorrow I will be making the rest of the buttercream and the decorating icing for the rest of the cake.  Wish me luck on this one - pictures of the process and the final product will be shared!

Day 240: 5/8/12 - "New Soul"

"I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake"

-"Yael Naim"

Bait: I dangled some bait today for someone and now I'll sit back and watch and wait to see if they take it.  Why am I setting bait?  Because someone is passing along information that they should be keeping to themselves and I need to know who it is.  Being careful and not talking to anyone is not the best way for me to respond, since I need to keep and build relationships.  But I do need to know whom I should be wary of since their actions will impact my ability to do my job.  It will also show me if I need to avoid this person outright - if they are uncaring enough to set me up to fail, then I need to make sure I don't give them the opportunity or the satisfaction.  Fingers crossed that they don't take the bait - I'd rather be wrong about this one.

Clothing Sizing: Usually I have issues with clothing being too small for me.  I ordered a new suit from Long Tall Sally and their size 14 fits like a 16!  Now, I could sit here and say, "I could have lost some serious weight!" but I know for a fact that my other clothes in 14 fit just fine.  I hate that I have to pay to send it back but no reason to keep a suit you can't wear.  The pants didn't even come with belt loops so I couldn't even try to wear them.  They were nice and long though (which I loved!).  But at least I now realize why the suit jacket didn't look quite right - it was a little too big around the ribcage (go figure!).  No time to reorder so I'm going to just return it and work with the other suit that I have.  Not preferred but it fits well enough!

Good Karma: One of my coworkers has some seriously good karma coming her way.  I was mentioning how I needed to go to the store to pick up a new decorating tip for the cake I'll be making and she gave me her $10.00 off coupon for Sur La Table!  I couldn't believe it!  I was able to get two tips, a set of cupcake liners, and a cupcake corer (something I've wanted for a while) and it only cost me $2.  How will I repay her?  Of course she'll get some cupcakes, but I'll also give her my $10 coupon when it shows up - it's only fair!

Day 239: 5/7/12 - "Fell On Black Days"

"Whatsoever I've feared has come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off became my life
Just when everyday 

Seemed to greet me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Cause I fell on
Black days

I fell on black days

Whomsoever I've cured I've sickened now
Whomsoever I've cradled I've put you down
I'm a search light soul they say 

But I can't see it in the night
I'm only faking
When I get it right
Cause I fell on
Black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate

So what you wanted to see good 

Has made you blind
And what you wanted to be yours 

Has made it mine
So don't you lock up something 

That you wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No not tying

I sure don't mind a change
But I fell on 

Black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate..."

-"Fell On Black Days" by Soundgarden

Baking Success and Failure: So after having others taste test .my Reese's Pieces Cream Filling, I can announce that it was both a success and failure.  It as a success in terms of the taste - everyone thinks it does taste like Reese's Pieces, but it won't be used in the case. Why?  The color is a failure!  By the time you puree the three different colors of the Reese's Pieces and then heat them up on the stove, you end up with this odd orange/brown color...which, though tastes great, is just not visually appealing enough to slap on what I plan to make into a beautiful cake.  So we are going to just go with buttercream (which is fine!).  And besides, my peanut butter buttercream is lip smacking good! But I am back to this idea of creating cupcakes with all of these different Cream Fillings and selling them.  I was wondering what crushed oreos would bring to the mix?  Or 'Nilla Wafers?  Anything that is not inherently meltable would likely work.  Chocolate chips wouldn't work unless I was going for a chocolate cream filling.  I'm thinking more in terms of recreating the things that we don't necessarily think of having as a cream filling.  I'll keep creating and maybe turn it into a business plan.  But I have to get good at the execution!

When Will They Learn?  I'm awaiting final word on how to proceed with something at work and though they are checking with the experts, I can't help thinking that this is definitely one of those "traps" of their own making.  They created this issue with their policy changes (changes that did not make any sense in the first place) and now we are all swimming around in the muck.  I want out of the muck....I want a chance to clean up and start over without feeling as if I have been sullied by the actions of others.  Why do they keep doing things that impact me negatively and expect me to just go with it?  Everyone has their breaking point and also the point where they start to feel as if I'm doing something ethically wrong.  I'm starting to feel as if I'm walking that line right now.

Day 235: 5/3/12 - "Unwritten"

"I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned...

No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten...

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

The rest is still unwritten "

-"Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield

Ain't It Funny?  It took me getting angry to finally see things more clearly.  Today I was calm - not angry at all, but very determined.  I'm heading for a showdown and one way or the other, things are going to get straightened out.  I have a tough road to travel but addressing this head on is the only way for me to go.  I can't continue with the way things are and I can't allow this person to continue to hurt others as well.  They need to realize just what their actions are doing - and either back off or run the risk of alienating and losing at least two good employees.  I'm in limbo at the moment and this is scary for me because I don't know how things will work out.  There is the potential for a remedy and clarification.  But there is even greater potential for a disaster (for myself and my career). But either way, I'm done here...

Order Up!  I got my first baking order since I moved to San Antonio.  I'm super excited about it and I've already mocked up the design.  It will be a chocolate and vanilla sheet cake with peanut butter buttercream and some Reese's Pieces or decoration.  It's a friend's husbands graduation cake and I hope I can do it justice.  I also get to make the box to carry it in (that should be super fun!).  I could also buy one but I like arts and crafts, so I will likely make it.  I won't post the mock up picture since it has not been approved.  But I'll post the pictures of the cake once I get it done!

Day 234: 5/2/12 - "Hopeless"

"I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change around me...
Why do things have to change

But you don't need my pictures on your wall
You say you need no one
And you don't need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one
Is anybody waiting at home for you
'Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's
Anybody waiting at home for you
'Cause it's time that will tell this tale

You're in and out up and down
Wonder if you're lost or found...

I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change..."

-"Hopeless" by Train

Why Do You Have to Be Angry All the Time?  I asked myself this question today when I finally made it home from work.  I asked it because between yesterday and today, I spent nearly every waking moment either angry, frustrated, or both.  I also spent most of the day with a headache, heartburn, and a stomach ache.  I have no doubt it was due to the emotions I was trying to control.  I spent two hours in a meeting biting my lip, averting my eyes, and generally trying not to scream in anger...only to have someone ask me if I was feeling alright.  My response.  "I'm fine."  I wouldn't have told them even if it were otherwise...But this isn't about why I was angry - it would take me two posts to detail that and I'm not in the mood to rehash things that would only take me back to that dark place I was in today.  Instead I'm focusing on what I plan to do to eliminate days like the past two days.  If I don't want to spend my life angry (and likely shorten my life), then I need to do something about the things causing the anger.  In my case that means re-evaluating parts of my life that I have control over.  There are things that you cannot control and I know this better than most.  But I can control how long I let some things impact me and I can refuse to let certain individuals have control over my life at all.  I want to look in the mirror and see myself smile again...truly smile despite all that has gone wrong in my life.  I had reached a point where I was okay with the person I was.  That's not true anymore.  I'm on a mission to find that person again, and to hell with anyone who thinks they have the right to get in my way.

Removing Ingredients May Be Hazardous to Your Baking!  I was attempting to make a slightly healthier cupcake tonight and failed only slightly.  They baked up nicely, but more like a bread than a cupcake.  They also stuck to the bottom of the paper (which annoys me to no end!), but they were edible.  I'll have to try 1/2 sugar next time since I think that is what caused the sticking.  But it could be the lack of oil as well (which tends to cause sticking too). 

Day 232: 4/30/12 - "Breakdown"

"I need this
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown"

-"Breakdown" by Jack Johnson

Some Days Just Aren't For You: Today was that day.  First I got to work and realized that I couldn't find my office keys.  They were either at home or in the trunk of the car - but I had already walked in and wasn't going back out there.  Then my body decided to rebel and wrack me with blinding pain for the next six hours straight.  Then my brain stopped working and I couldn't even answer a basic question that I should have known the answer to.  Then my big mouth wouldn't shut up and I told someone something I had never intended to tell them.  I'll just have to hope that they can keep their mouth shut about it!  Wishful thinking, I know - the way my life is going, this person will go straight to the person I don't want them talking to and blab.  I need to remember that not everyone can be trusted (nor should they be).

Peanut Cream Filling? This is what I made yesterday when my peanut brittle didn't turn out. What else do you do with sweet peanuts?  I just baked some into a chocolate cupcake - hoping it turned out okay.  I'll fill some of the cupcakes with it if they did.  I may put a layer on top as well - not sure yet.  Don't know if it will be a favorite like the banana cream filling but it doesn't taste bad.  See pics below.

Chocolate Cupcake with Peanut Cream Filling and Peanut Butter Buttercream

All Hell Is About to Break Loose: I hate it when I'm right about things that I know are going to go very badly.  Today this was confirmed and now we are in for a serious reckoning that will not have a good outcome, no matter what I do.  I hate feeling this way - so out of control when I should be in complete control of the situation.  This is one train that is going to not only run off of the tracks but run over some innocent people and leave carnage in its wake.  I just hope I can minimize the damage.

Day 227: 4/25/12 - "You Found Me"

"Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came...

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me..."

"You Found Me" by The Fray

Maybe I'm Not Cut Out For This:  It's time for me to consider the possibility that I'm just not cut out to exist successfully in this environment.  It's becoming more and more clear to me every day that I harbor feelings of anger and resentment every time I set foot in this particular place.  I find myself suffering from various small maladies that are easily associated with stress and I don't see a good reason to keep doing things to my self that are bad for me if it is not necessary.  Of course, I don't know what my solution to this is.  Where do I go from here?  What is my niche?  How do I find out where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing if I can't even figure out which end is up most days?  It's pretty scary for me right now.  I've always known - even when the knowing wasn't great - where I was heading, what I was going to do.  And even though that often changed, the changes came naturally - they felt right.  Nothing feels right at this point in my life. Nothing about my life feels like it is working, and I don't want to be that person that keeps pushing to get the square peg to fit in the round hole, only to wind up breaking the damn thing!  I actually had an impromptu chat with two people who were asking me about my baking and why I didn't do that for a living.  I tried to explain and then stopped and said something pretty profound (at least in my opinion): "I've been treading water for the last year since my thyroid issues and my major surgery.  I either need to swim or get out of the pool because treading water is tiresome and it's not getting me anywhere."  I need to take my own advice...

And the Disrespect Continues...I got knocked down another peg today and yes, again it was done on purpose.  I chose not to fight back this time.  Why?  Because it would have been a waste of my time and energy and I need to save them for more logical pursuits. I need to concentrate on planning for the future and finding that place I truly belong where I will be given the respect that I deserve (as a human being). 

Who Knew Tofu Could Bake Up So Good?  I had some silken tofu in the fridge that needed to be used so I tried my hand at making a cupcake with it.  A nice dash of cocoa, flour, sugar, vanilla, and a few other things and voila, I had a nice soft and moist cupcake!  To top it I decided on peanut butter but thought I had already done that before so I made a chocolate peanut butter buttercream.  I had a bit of trouble getting it to mix up (I now know that I put too much strawberry in my strawberry buttercream!) but it tastes absolutely divine!  Recipes pending review from colleagues tomorrow.

tofu in the mix!

with chocolate peanut butter buttercream!