Day 244: 5/12/12 - "Bottle It Up"

"Only thing I ever could need, only one good thing
Worth trying to be and it's

Love

I do it for Love..."

-"Bottle It Up" by Sara Bareilles

Better Late Than Never: I've always known that my father loved my mother with all of his heart, but my father isn't known for his emotional intelligence or for being able to talk about his emotions.  He tells me he loves me without any trouble - I'm his daughter and that makes sense to him. But in all the time he was with my mom, he never said those words to her.  They've been on again, off again for some time now and lately they are back on again...that's another story.  This story is about the phone call I got tonight where my mom asked me very cryptically what I thought my father had just said to her.  I said I didn't have a clue.  She said she had asked him why the hell he had put up with her all of these years.  His response?  "Because I love your ass, that's why."  Not eloquent or sweet, but definitely overdue and just like my dad.  Definitely better late than never, and I hope I find someone some day that says the same thing to me...even if not in so many words.  Good luck mom and dad, I love you both.

Dreading Tomorrow: Though I love my mother very much and hope she has a wonderful day tomorrow, I'm also dreading the day as I have for the last 10 years or so.  I try not to go anywhere public because people insist on saying Happy Mother's Day to me, though I have no children.  It makes me sad because I want children and always thought I would have at least one child by now.  It's another holiday where I'm reminded that I'm alone and just how much I've failed at my own life goals.  I know in my heart that never being a mother does not make me less of a woman, but I can't help feeling that way.  I wish others would understand that and refrain from breaking my heat with their words...

Day 228: 4/26/12 - "Collision"

"I am sailing on the sea of life with no lighthouse ahead

I am on two boats with one foot in each one I stand

They are drifting farther losing balance I am sinking

Can I hold this facade?

...External looks and first impressions can be so deceiving...

This is my life and I am drowning

Can I keep two worlds apart?

Should I brace for a collision?

Don't see me more than what I am

I am standing on the mountain of uncertainty

Should I take this leap of faith and pray I'll stay in one piece

I am confused I am alone I don't know where I'm going

And there you are you're thinking I have no important problems

That my decisions are just issues of conformity

But if you look a little deeper in my situation

There's so much you don't see

This is my life and I am falling

Can I find some solid ground?

...You say you know me but you haven't got a clue about me

I have different layers and multiple dimensions

But if you think that you can understand me

Just open your eyes

This is my life and you don't know me

There's only been one side you've seen

Anticipating this collision

I'm so much more than what I seem

This is my life and I am changing

The future isn't clear to me... 

-"Collision" by Tim Be Told

Snowball: Today I described my week like this - a snowfall going downhill and heading straight for a tree.  I now realize that it's even worse than that.  I'm a snowball in hell and if I don't find a way out, I'm going to end up as a puddle of water.  Yes, a little overly visual today but that's how I've been lately.  My icing on the cake today?  I got a notice form my bank that told me that I was overdrawn.  I was surprised and confused because I had already balanced my checkbook and I shouldn't have been anywhere near a zero balance.  I pulled out my check register and started checking everything.  What did I find?  I found that I can't subtract properly.  I was off by a $100.  That $12 over is going to wind up costing me more once the bank gets done charging me a fee.  I transferred money over but I doubt I did it in time.  Lesson learned - It won't happen again.  But it sure didn't help with my disposition at all!

A Successful Failure?  When can a failure actually be a success?  I'm trying to figure this out because I'm heading straight for a failure with a project I'm working on.  But part of me things that it would be for the best if the project failed.  It's a case of not know what the end product would be until you were knee deep in the building materials.  That's where we are now and the plans we had aren't for the materials were have.  So no matter how hard we try to complete our house according to the blueprints and plans, we are going to get something vastly different from the schematics in hand.  I hate failing - it happens too often in my life.  But I guess I'll just have to suck it up like I always do.

Day 121: 1/10/12 - "Let it Rain"

"It's hard to find the perfect time to say something
you know, is gonna change everything"

-"Let it Rain" by David Nail

Cake Fail: I hate it when my cakes stick to the bottom of my pan.  It's my own fault for using the off-brand cooking spray.  I either need to use the baking spray (with the flour), use the old fashioned grease and flour trick, or use my parchment paper.  Instead, I went with the quick and easy and got near disaster!  It will be a miracle if my dark chocolate cake with dark chocolate icing survives the night and isn't split in half tomorrow.  Of course, part of the problem is also that the cake is just so moist!  Moist cakes tend to stick and also tend to fall apart.  I'll hope it gets eaten quickly and I no one notices the odd shape!

That was Not Exciting:  There are times where I realize that there is so much more I can accomplish when I'm not slowed down by the actions of others.  Then there are times when I realize that it is the action of others that cause me to become more energized and determined to prove them wrong.  I almost made a social gaffe today during a large meeting...I'm glad I controlled my instinctive actions, as it would have been noticed by many and also would have been on tape.  Gotta be careful what you do and say around certain people!

How Flattering!  When others think of you and offer you much respect by recommending you for something, it really is a good feeling.  I know I try to do that as often as I can, making sure I show support for people I know not only need it but deserve it.  I will say that I also struggle with this kind of flattery, as I often don't see what they see.  But I'm glad they see it and I hope I will one day learn to see it in myself.

Day 72: 11/22/11 - "Like a Stone"

"And on I read

Until the day was gone

And I sat in regret

Of all the things I've done..."

-"Like a Stone" by Audioslave

Two Days of Hell: I can't believe how hellish the last two days have been, though nothing truly bad has actually happened.  I find it odd that I'm feeling this way when other days have clearly been worse.  I think some of it is resignation and I don't like feeling resigned about anything because it is like being one step from guaranteed failure.  I can only hope that tomorrow will be better as I'll be able to try to play catch up with things.  Let's just hope that I want to continue catching up at all...

Mixed Feelings: I'm feeling very mixed about going home for the holidays.  On one hand I really do miss my family and want to see them.  On the other hand, I just want to be left alone...left to wallow in my misery...or just sit and read...or just sleep...

Changing Things Up: I'm planning a new schedule for myself, hoping to jump start my metabolism and get rid of this extra weight I'm still hanging on to.  I'm not sure how my knees will hold up, so when I go to my doctor next week I'll have to ask her what I can do to naturally take better care of my knees.

Splurge Time: I'm beginning to think it is time for me to splurge on myself a little.  I don't like doing it, but this time I think I have to.  What am I planning on getting?  A new computer!

Day 59: 11/9/11 - "In Your Eyes"

"love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are"

- "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel

Stranger in a Strange Land: I'm in Atlanta for the Access Services Conference and I went to the "reception" that they had tonight.  This is the first time since my very first conference that I can remember being in a room with other librarians and not knowing another single soul.  I didn't stay at the reception, I didn't feel welcome there.  I trudged back to my hotel in the rain and decided to do some work until my ever-present headache intensified to the point of blinding pain.  So now I'm typing my post as quickly as I can so that I can get off of this computer and rest.  No chance that I'll be going to very many of the sessions they offer - I don't see anything that would truly interest me.

Alone...Such a small word that carries so much weight in my heart and mind right now.  I'm feeling it even more now that I'm out of Texas and reminded that no matter where I go, I am still alone.

Set Up to Fail:  If you don't know what this feels like, congratulations to you.  It's a horrible feeling knowing that you are being set up to fail and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it except hope that you can surprise them and actually do what they think you can't.  That's what I'm trying to do right now - wish me luck.

Day 54: 11/4/11 - "Fallen"

"Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so..."

- "Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan

Tired: I'm tired of it all right now.  Tired of thinking too hard.  Tired of failing.  Tired of not being good enough.  I wonder if this type of "tired" is worse for my health than physically being tired?  Do they manifest in the same way?  I know this type of tired won't respond to sleep like my physical fatigue. I even suspect that it will only get worse.

Dreams: One of my staff members asked me today why I had given up on my dreams and I could only give her half of the truth.  The whole truth was too hard, too embarrassing for me to admit to her or to anyone else in public.  What is the truth?  I'm not smart enough to make my dreams come true successfully.  I'm scared of the failure I know I would be.  The part I could tell her?  That I did not want to be selfish and hurt my family by going after my dreams.  They think I'm successful - I don't want them to know just how wrong they are.

Day 38: 10/19/11 - "I Try"

"Games, changes and fears,

When will they go from here?

When will they stop?"

- "I Try" by Macy Gray

Hypothyroidism: Before my surgery, I had a slight case of hypothyroidism, based on my symptoms, but not based on my blood work.  Today I went back in for my 6 week check up and was told that I was severely hypothyroidic (is that a word)?  Let's just say that my doctor told me to double my dosage over the next 4 days because my levels were so low.  The only good news is that I haven't lost my mind.  I thought all of these strange symptoms were just me not doing well in general.  I'm hoping that once I get myself to a normal level I will start to feel more human.  Right now I'm always on edge and depending on the provocation, I either want to yell at someone or cry...tonight it is cry.  How embarrassing is that?  To be having a normal conversation with someone about something that is pretty innocuous, and all of a sudden I'm sniveling because I'm fighting the urge to cry.  Hell, I'm fighting the urge to cry right now!

Book Sale - Day 3: I found out that we out-sold last year's book sale after only the 2nd day.  Now I have a new goal for the sale - I'd love to be able to donate $2,000 to charity for this sale.  I think it would be a great showing for us and really help uplift the spirits of many involved in the campaign.  Who knows, it might lift my spirits as well.

Born in the Wrong Time: I used to say that I thought I was born in the wrong time.  I have the type of mentality that I always thought would be better appreciated in years past.  But a friend just reminded me of something that I don't think about.  If I had been born in a different time, in the past, I would not have made it past my 27th birthday.  Why?  Gall bladder disease, for one.  It would have killed me when it flared up 8 years ago.  Even if I had survived that, what about the thyroid issue?  And add in the fact that I have an astigmatism and I would have been running around the world unable to see two feet in front of my face.  Guess I need to start being grateful I was born when I was.

Writing Buddy: A friend of mine suggested that we try to support each other as writing buddies.  I hope it will be enough to get me moving on finishing some of my work.  I really need to complete at least one of my stories.  I know that they won't sell, but I have to finish something.  I can't go through life failing at everything I try...

Day 13: 9/24/11 - "Breakeven"

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in..."

- "Breakeven" by The Script

Failure: It's funny how some days I feel like an absolute failure no matter what I do. After working a 12 hour day yesterday, you'd think I would sleep well and wake up refreshed today. Instead, I slept for an hour, woke up startled, struggled to go back to sleep, woke up again coughing and feeling stuffed up, and finally rolled over at 9:30 - an hour later than I normally get up on Saturday. Then I hit the gym and couldn't even run my 5k like I planned to. I'm starting to feel that I'll never be able to run a 5k normally again - and this saddens me. I finished my work out and got back home but when I made my pancakes I didn't bother to smell the milk and poured it right into the mixture. Then noticed the rank smell that was now coming out of my food. I had to dump all of the milk down the drain, but luckily the sour milk smell baked out of the pancakes. The day only went downhill mood-wise from there when I realized that my Dad's birthday is on Monday and I forgot to buy and mail his card so that it would arrive on his birthday. Some daughter I am. The one thing I did accomplish today? I cleaned up the files on my laptop, because fro some dumb ass reason that was the only thing I wanted to do.

Panic - Anxiety - Same Difference? Are panic attacks and anxiety attacks the same thing? I'm trying to figure this out because I nearly had one today and I'm sure it would have been a full-blown anxiety attack. I've had similar things happen to me in the past and I usually struggle to get my heart rate and breathing back to normal. I wonder if one day I'll have to go to a doctor for these because I suspect they could become incapacitating if not controlled.

Oklahoma Wins Again: I didn't get any real joy out of the win as I usually do. I'm starting to lose my zealousness when it comes to my Sooners, which is sad. I liked being one of those nutty fans who lived and died with her team. Now I just shrug when they do something wrong and think, "oh well." What happened to that girl would you curse and cry and yell at the TV? I'm starting to miss her and wonder if I'm losing even more of myself than I first thought.

Day 3: 9/14/11 - "Many the Miles"

"There's too many things that I haven't done yet Too many sunsets I haven't seen You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down You would've thought by now I'd have learned something"

-"Many the Miles" by Sara Bareilles

This song helps me when I'm working out - has a nice beat and I find it motivating. I've also found that I'm a huge Sara Bareilles fan in general, but some songs just speak to me. This is one of them. I'm also a huge fan of "Love on the Rocks" and "King of Anything." I'm looking forward to seeing her on The Sing Off this year as a judge (since I know she'll get to perform as well).

But back to business. How was my day? I can call it so-so. Nothing got destroyed but I didn't accomplish anything either. I also find that my cynicism levels seem to be ratcheting up at astronomical levels. I really need to work on that! I woke up sad again (no difference there) but I did sleep 6 hours straight (miracle of all miracles). I was again reminded of my new dependence on medicine when I noticed I have only one pill left of my synthetic thyroid hormone. I'll have to get it refilled tomorrow...if I remember. I may have to investigate HEB's automatic refill program - could be what I need to keep me on track.

I set out to clean my desk off this morning and found myself only able to stack things up in a new location (is shifting a type of cleaning?). I'm worried that things will start to pile up and I won't be able to find anything. I also attended 4 different meetings and planned for my students' library session tomorrow. Since I'm no longer worried about teaching as part of a research study that I was originally part of, I've decided to let my students learn through gaming - something I prefer to do if I can.

Fun and Games. So I checked out the "Let the Games Begin" book that I have a chapter in (along with a good friend), and I think I'm going to try to modify and use one of the games for researching. I will, of course, post more about this tomorrow and let you know how it goes. I really hope they have a good time and learn while doing this activity. I watch them now and realize just how far away from my own freshman year I am, and just how far I was away from these students even then. I would not have fit in with them - I have trouble understanding them - and I struggle to help them to be successful. Sometimes I fight the urge to just let them fail...that's how I was raised.

Is Failure Good? Trying to figure out if failure is a good thing is likely one of those questions that has bothered a number of people for a number of years. I know some people believe that failure can be good - that it can teach someone how to be stronger. But I've also seen people fail and not bounce back. What of those people? What if I could have prevented their failure (at whatever activity)? Where does my responsibility end, especially when talking about students in my class? I don't have an answer, but maybe one day I will.

My Own Failures: I have too many to list but once I started this post, I realized that I needed to write some of them down, so here goes:

• I have yet to finish any of the books I've been writing. (Sorry HDC!)
• I have not finished the giant afghan I've been working on for 2 years now. (Sorry Sweetings!)
• I've failed at being a good daughter, sister, and friend. I'm a terrible friend by the way, just in case some of you are wondering.
• I'm too selfish (is this a failing or just a bad character trait?).
  
• I've failed at maintaining my weight loss and healthy lifestyle (up 27 pounds...not sure if I will ever lose it).
• I've failed at playing tennis.
• I've failed at my quest to always be honest with others and myself. This might be my biggest failing, so I don't think I need to go any further since this pretty much encompasses a lot of things that I've failed at.

So Why Are You Running Away? I ran a 5k this morning...on the treadmill...in 37 minutes and 27 seconds. My best clocked time ever in a 5k is 31 flat. I wonder if I'll ever get back there? I can honestly say that I'm hurting a lot after this run and my knee and ankle both don't appreciate the bad treatment I've given them. I'll just have to ignore them and keep going...or risk being up more than 27 pounds. But will my body hold up to allow me to lose the weight in the only way I know how (by running)? Only time will tell.