Day 314: 7/21/12 - "TBD"

Working Out: Since I knew I was playing tennis later in the day, I decided to do a modified workout at the fitness center.  This meant weights and some light running.  But instead of the light running I decided to challenge myself and run a 10 minute mile.  Now, I know that for real runners, that's nothing at all, and 10 minute miles are seen as slow.  But I haven't been able to run a 10 minute mile in nearly two years - not since I moved to San Antonio, and definitely not since my two surgeries.  Please note that I did this inside on a treadmill, as the San Antonio heat is nothing to play with.  The good news is....that I did it!  And I didn't collapse afterwards.  I, of course, got my butt kicked playing tennis afterwards and was likely a little overheated but at least I did it, and I didn't play too badly.

Day 297: 7/4/12 - "Something to Talk About"

"Let's give them somethin' to talk about

A little mystery to figure out..."

-"Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt

So Out of Shape!  I decided to go for a run outside today since it was a holiday and I could barely do 2 miles!  Not sure what is going on...maybe I'm just travel weary?  I was able to do 3.2 in California....but it wasn't as hot.  I feel as if I'm carrying around an extra twenty pounds or something and my ankles are both killing me!  Looks like my last shoe choice might not have been the best one.  I'll have to look into getting a new pair and soon!

Heartburn City...Again: I'm sure my heartburn is caused by my mental angst.  I don't like confrontation, though I deal with it well.  And tomorrow I'm likely to be knee deep in confrontation.  Part of me can't wait - the time has come.  The other part hates having to deal with this at all!  My goal is to keep my composure - that's the most important thing for me to do.  Others will likely lose there's but I cannot allow myself to do that.  I've been too quick to anger lately and I need to get that under control (even if it is warranted anger).

Fireworks...Still going off...for the past 15 minutes...it's like being back in Anaheim!  Oh, my head!

Day 174: 3/3/12 - "It's Not My Time"

"I look ahead to all the plans that we made

And the dreams that we had

I'm in a world that tries to take them away

Oh, but I'm taking them back..."

-"It's Not My Time" by 3 Doors Down

Eating Wrong:  I use the excuse of massive amounts of exercise to eat what I like on Saturdays.  Today I ran over 10 miles so I allowed myself to have pancakes and pizza.  Not the healthiest of combinations, but one that I felt I deserved.  Besides, the pizza was free (part of Papa John's Superbowl promotion).  Now, of course, I have to work out on Sunday to eat the rest of the pizza (no way I could finish a whole one in one day).  I made myself walk to pick up my pizza instead of doing delivery (to help burn a few more calories).  But I really need to start evaluating this "balance" I have going on.

Emotional Roller Coaster: I've been on an emotion roller coaster of late and I'm not quite sure why.  Take today, for instance.  I woke up feeling more energetic than normal and then went for a long run.  I should have finished feeling accomplished (I have never run that far or that long before) but instead I finished feeling tired, sore, and rundown.  I then proceeded to try to work on some things and found myself unmotivated.  Finally I found myself feeling listless and weepy during the later part of the day, being set off by everything from commercials to videos, to something I read online.  WTF?

Day 153: 2/11/12 - "The Greatest Love of All"

"The greatest love, of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all..."

-"The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston (RIP)

Exercise Overkill: As I sit hit typing and noticing the pain in my legs, I realize that I slightly overdid it with the exercise today.  After I finished my 9 miles (and it was a tough nine miles - I took a different route, found the biggest hill I've eve tried to run up - had to walk part of it - and found a really great view of Texas), I came home, had a quick meal and then headed out to play tennis for a couple of hours.  I didn't do too badly at tennis today (I lost 6-4, 6-1) but I definitely ran out of steam in the 2nd set!  Needless to say, if I were playing tennis professionally, I'd never be crazy enough to run 9 miles before trying to play.  I did treat myself to frozen yogurt though - which I think was well earned!

RIP Whitney Houston: People pass, young and old, rich and poor, famous and unknown, but even I was shocked to hear of the death of Whitney Houston today.  I think I always loved Whitney, especially as a little girl.  My cousin reminded me of this - she even remembered how much I loved singing Whitney Houston songs.  I think its not just her age, but her talent and the downward slide she has been on for the past few years.  What a great talent...what talent wasted.  I hope she rests in peace and that her family can survive this.

Toothache!  I have a serious toothache that I think is actually due to my sinuses!  How awful since it doesn't react to heat or cold or pressure or anything - it just hurts!  And don't let me sneeze - it goes completely nuts!  Now I have to try to find a way to treat a toothache that doesn't want to react to the normal treatment measures I would use!

Day 139: 1/28/12 - "King Nothing"

"Careful what you wish

Careful what you say

Careful what you wish you may regret it

Careful what you wish you just might get it!"

-"King Nothing" by Metallica

9 miles!  I did 9 miles today in exactly 2 hours.  Not bad considering my back has been bothering me for the past 2 days.  Of course, my back hurts mostly when I sit down or lay down, so walking and running actually seem to help.  I took a different route today which is why I ended up with an extra mile over what I had planned to run.  Also, I wasn't completely tired today when I was done.  I was able to do my laundry and some cleaning and then I went back out and walked to Target and Orange Leaf (my treat for the day).  I actually feel I could have done 10 miles today if I had chosen a route that didn't take me back uphill at the very end.  Next week I think I'll just tag on that extra mile to my normal route and then go from there.

Day 132: 1/21/12 - "You Are Not Alone"

"That you are not alone, for I am here with you
Though you're far away, I am here to stay
But you are not alone, for I am here with you
Though we're far apart, you're always in my heart
But you are not alone"

-"You Are Not Alone" by Michael Jackson

5 Miles Down: I actually got up at 5:30 am this morning just to run and stay on target for keeping my weight off?  Why?  Because at conference I tend to overeat or just eat unhealthy items.  Running in the morning helps me to at least combat this partially and hopefully keeps me on task for future weight loss.  I'll take tomorrow off since it is Sunday and since I am tired, but I will get right back to it on Monday.

Presentation Tomorrow: I have a presentation tomorrow as part of a panel session and though I feel a little unprepared, I'm not nervous at all.  I guess it is because I know the material so well and I've worked hard to actually act on the items I talk about.  It could also be because being nervous only makes things worse, so I'm not allowing myself to think about it too much.  We'll see if this holds up for the actual time of the panel session. It's easy to talk a big game but you gotta bring it as well.

Day 111: 12/31/11 - "Easy"

"Easy to bitch
Easy to whine
Easy to moan
Easy to cry
Easy to feel like there ain't nothing in your life
Harder to work
Harder to strive
Harder to be glad to be alive
But its really worth it if you give it a try"

-"Easy by Cowboy Mouth

Is it Worth It?  I find myself asking this question as I try to recover from my first ever 8 mile run.  The amount of pain I was in as I finished the run was surprising even to me.  I usually have enough endorphins to carry me at least to the shower before the pain kicks in.  I started hurting around the 7.5 mile mark and it only got worse.  Then, as I was fixing my breakfast, I found myself feeling like I was going to black out and I had to sit down and rest.  I haven't quite recovered as the day progressed and I still feel a little shaky in the legs.  I'll have to try to figure out what caused the illness following the run.  That usually only happens if I get really overheated and today the temperature was in the 50's as I ran.

What Will I Do Differently?  The new year officially begins for me in 23 minutes and I'm not overly excited about it.  I'm not even really celebrating it, as I sit here and type and try to watch the New Year's Rocking Eve.  I haven't really decided if I would make a resolution this year.  I made and kept one last year.  This year, I think I need to just be true to myself and stop letting others dictate or even try to dictate my life.  Unfortunately I realize that this will mean I'll likely alienate some people, and piss a few others off.  But at this point in my life, I can't worry about that.  I'm tired of others messing with my life and I'm definitely tired of being stepped on and misused.  No more!


Some Things Will Remain the Same: Now 19 minutes until the new year and as always I'm here alone.  Even when I used to spend the time with my parents, they would fall asleep before midnight.  The few nights I went out I either wound up being the 3rd wheel or the designated driver.  This year I decided to just stay inside and not deal with the craziness that I'm sure is going on out there right now.  I just hope my friends who are out likely over-imbibing are being safe and all make it through the night safely.  Me, I'll just sit here alone as I always do...

Happy New Year

Day 110: 12/30/11 - "Love and Addiction"

"Put on your bad self
get out your party dress and
fix up your makeup
try to make a good impression"

-"Love and Addiction" by The Counting Crows

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back: I feel like I'm losing ground on some of the good things that I've accomplished lately.  I actually stayed in bed for a full nine hours today, but instead of awaking rested, I was tired for the rest of the day with a headache.  I even took a nap in the afternoon due to my fatigue.  Later, it was like pulling teeth to get myself to go out for a walk and it took me nearly 30 minutes longer than it should have to complete a two mile walk.  I'll have to watch this to see if this is a result of my medication (though my numbers were good the last time they were checked), or if its just the fact that the New Year is bearing down on me.

Runner Girl: Tomorrow I hope to run 8 miles.  I'm trying to hydrate today so that I won't get overly thirsty (a problem of mine).  If I can at least get to 7.5 miles like a few weeks ago, I'll be satisfied, but I definitely want to push myself while the weather is still good.  My knees are definitely hurting just thinking about the pounding they'll take tomorrow, but I also know that I need the exercise and I need to try to accomplish this!

WTF?  I'm starting to catalog the commercials I see that just don't make sense (and no, I don't just mean those that are designed to be funny - I'm talking about those where the premise makes no sense).  Take the latest corona commercial.  The first two that they did made absolute sense - your stuck on a plane for business travel, so you dream of being on a beach enjoying a beer.  You're part of the hustle and bustle of the working class in the city, so you dream of being on a beach enjoying a beer.  Your on a ski vacation..and you dream of being on a beach enjoying a beer???  WTF!  If you are on vacation and want to be on a beach, then take a beach vacation, not a ski vacation!

Day 90: 12/10/11 - "Getaway"

"I know this is how I could be over you
You know this is not another waste of time
All this holding on can't be wrong"

-"Getaway" by Train

Scenes from a Run: I always take note of the trash that is thrown out when I run.  Today I went a little furhter than normal and saw more than trash, so I thought I would document it here:

• Cans and Bottles: Talk about litterbugs!  I saw 5 beer cans (the large size ones), 1 beer bottle that was intact and a kaleidoscope of broken bottles that I had to dodge (I kick things up when I run), and three water bottles.  I wish people would stop just throwing things out and at least put them in the trash.  The recycling would be even better.
• Dangerous Drivers: The campaigns aren't working, folks.  The number of people I saw texting while driving or talking on the phone while driving was ridiculous.  One man actually stopped at a green light and then turned right without checking traffic because he was playing with his phone.  To make matters worse, he had a kid in the car with him - so in about five or six years when that kid starts to drive and has a wreck because he's texting, we'll know that it has nothing to do with his age, and everything to do with the bad influence of his father!
• Birds: We haven't had a lot of water lately, so I was surprised to see some standing water at the corner of Bitters and Blanco. I looked to my right as I was passing and saw what I thought was a statue.  It took me a minute to realize it was a white crane!  It was standing in the water and watching a group of ducks a they swam around.  I wanted to take a picture but I knew if I stopped running I would lose my momentum.  It was nice to see though!

Holiday Hell: This holiday is sneaking up on me faster than I want to admit.  I haven't even made arrangements to go home yet (though I promised my family I would come home).  As much as I miss them, I am dreading not only the travel but also just the day to day of not being productive.  I've learned that I can't be productive at home (no Internet, issue with smoke inhalation, tension, stress...none of that says "productivity").  I'll have to find a way to get something done, even if I have to spend the time at the public library.  That might be the best option for me though it still won't guarantee success.

Nightmares: For some reason I've been having nightmares the last few nights.  In one my dad had something wrong with his legs due to his diabetes and had to have his legs amputated (I found this horrifying because it could become all too true).  Then last night I dreamed that I had forgotten to put together my students' final exam and had to try to run back to the library to get to my computer to create it in 20 minutes.  Of course, it took me nearly 4 hours today to actually create it (and yes, the nightmare made me get on the ball today).  I hate dreams that are way too close to the truth!

Day 49: 10/30/11 - "Smile"

"At worst I feel bad for a while,

But then I just smile, I go ahead and smile..."

- "Smile" by Lily Allen

Greenfields: Today, in my effort to save on gas (I don't get paid until Tuesday and I'm trying to hold out on the filling up the tank ordeal until then), I decided to walk up to Greenfields Market to get some avocados (on sale for 3/$1).  The weather was nice but I overdressed (it was cooler yesterday).  It took me 1 hour and 43 minutes to walk 5.15 miles, including stopping at HEB on the way back to get a newspaper and waiting on the lights in order to cross the road safely.  I doubt I'll do it every weekend (my knee hurts worse after today than yesterday), but it looks like a pretty good means of getting exercise.

Southwest Contest: So I am playing around with the Southwest contest to win a major amount of travel points.  They asked me to upload a video saying why I should be the winner and though I don't have a true video camera, I discovered that my little digital camera will record video and does it pretty well!  I doubt I'll win (though, wouldn't it be nice to be able to go anywhere I wanted to - especially to see my family, without worrying about the cost?), but I at least have to try.  I guess I still have those big dreams of one day being famous and being on TV.  Maybe people would like me then...

What Am I Missing?  I keep having the sensation that I'm missing something.  Not like a tangible thing but something else.  Like everyone else knows something that I don't, and because I don't know it, I'm missing out.  What is this secret thing that I can't quite describe and how do I get in "the know" about it?

Day 48: 10/29/11 - "Wish You Were Here"

"The world's a roller coaster

And I am not strapped in..."

- "Wish You Were Here" by Incubus

5.5 Miles: That's how far I ran today...outside...for the first time in months.  I'm hoping it was because my medicine is finally kicking in and giving me back some of my energy.  It could also be because the weather was so much cooler I could actually run without sweating so much that I lost all of my nutrients.  I can never replace them fast enough, especially when I'm running outside.  I actually ran the entire time as well and didn't have to walk at all.  So I'm feeling a little more accomplished than before.  My time wasn't great and I know I likely was only running about 4.5 mph (I used to average 5.5 or higher), but I need to remind myself that I accomplished something today and I should be proud.  My poor knee isn't too happy about it though.  I didn't have any trouble while I was running but it is store and stiff now, so I'll have to give it some TLC.

Genealogy Research: I started doing my genealogy research again today.  It's been a while since I worked on the project and it felt good to get back to the "finding" part of things.  I have the Franklin County Marriage's 1884-1903 book right now and I'm checking it with my 1910 census records.  I hope to check it with a few other times too but that will have to wait to see if I can actually get through 1900 before I have to return the book to the library that it was borrowed from.  I also split time with knitting today, though I know I need to be writing.  I just don't have the motivation right now.  Speaking of motivation...

Motivation: I have none when it comes to work.  I don't understand why even thinking about my job makes me want to curl into a ball and sob.  Not a good feeling to have at all.  I remember the drive I had when I first started.  Is it just the fact that my hormones are out of whack right now?  Or is it something else?  Am I blinding myself to some important truth while I try to find a way to encourage myself to keep working?  Who is this person who feels like a complete waste of space?

Day 34: 10/15/11 - "Billionaire"

"I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad

Buy all of the things I never had"

- "Billionaire" by Travie McCoy

Match.com: I mentioned previously that I let my subscription to Match expire a week ago after an unsuccessful year of searching.  But though my subscription was canceled, I still had an account.  Today I received a message from Match that I had received a wink, a like, and two messages.  I didn't go to look right away - why bother?  But I finally got around to it tonight and what do I find out?  Match won't let you see messages sent to you if you aren't currently subscribed.  This didn't surprise me too much, but what did surprise me (and piss me off) was that they wouldn't even let me SEE who had sent me the message.  Don't they think that I might be interested enough to subscribe again if I at least can see the person who took the time to contact me?  Instead, I went through and canceled my account completely - I have finally had it with these online dating companies, who claim they want to help you be successful but all they really care about is taking your money.  And I'm tired of these people who are on these sites looking for anything but a real person.  time to face to truth - I'm not going to find "the one" online because there is no "one."  Can't find what doesn't exist.

5k: I finally made it through another 5k today - it's been a while.  I may not ever be able to run outside again and I'll likely never be part of a race again, but at least I actually jogged/ran the entire thing.  39 minutes was a sucky time, though.  I need to get that back down to at least 34 minutes if I can.  I'd love to get back down to 31 minutes, which is my race low, but I don't see how I could possibly shave 8 minutes off of my time.

Back to the Doctor: I have my check in with the endocrinologist on Wednesday.  I've been actually looking forward to this for a month now due to the bad symptoms I've been dealing with.  Too bad I have to refill my prescription tomorrow when he might wind up changing it in 3 days.  After I finish with him I'm going to have to schedule an appointment to see a dermatologist and then a cardiologist.  Not sure where I'm going to get the time or money for either but II can't keep putting these things off.  I need to try to take care of myself, even if I don't have the motivation to do so.

For Your Viewing Pleasure: I rarely re-post videos, and I've never posted one in my blog, but I got a kick out of this one.  This is the Ohio University marching band doing LMFAO's Party Rock Anthem and doing it well!  As a former band geek, I'm proud to say that these guys and gals have skills!

Day 3: 9/14/11 - "Many the Miles"

"There's too many things that I haven't done yet Too many sunsets I haven't seen You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down You would've thought by now I'd have learned something"

-"Many the Miles" by Sara Bareilles

This song helps me when I'm working out - has a nice beat and I find it motivating. I've also found that I'm a huge Sara Bareilles fan in general, but some songs just speak to me. This is one of them. I'm also a huge fan of "Love on the Rocks" and "King of Anything." I'm looking forward to seeing her on The Sing Off this year as a judge (since I know she'll get to perform as well).

But back to business. How was my day? I can call it so-so. Nothing got destroyed but I didn't accomplish anything either. I also find that my cynicism levels seem to be ratcheting up at astronomical levels. I really need to work on that! I woke up sad again (no difference there) but I did sleep 6 hours straight (miracle of all miracles). I was again reminded of my new dependence on medicine when I noticed I have only one pill left of my synthetic thyroid hormone. I'll have to get it refilled tomorrow...if I remember. I may have to investigate HEB's automatic refill program - could be what I need to keep me on track.

I set out to clean my desk off this morning and found myself only able to stack things up in a new location (is shifting a type of cleaning?). I'm worried that things will start to pile up and I won't be able to find anything. I also attended 4 different meetings and planned for my students' library session tomorrow. Since I'm no longer worried about teaching as part of a research study that I was originally part of, I've decided to let my students learn through gaming - something I prefer to do if I can.

Fun and Games. So I checked out the "Let the Games Begin" book that I have a chapter in (along with a good friend), and I think I'm going to try to modify and use one of the games for researching. I will, of course, post more about this tomorrow and let you know how it goes. I really hope they have a good time and learn while doing this activity. I watch them now and realize just how far away from my own freshman year I am, and just how far I was away from these students even then. I would not have fit in with them - I have trouble understanding them - and I struggle to help them to be successful. Sometimes I fight the urge to just let them fail...that's how I was raised.

Is Failure Good? Trying to figure out if failure is a good thing is likely one of those questions that has bothered a number of people for a number of years. I know some people believe that failure can be good - that it can teach someone how to be stronger. But I've also seen people fail and not bounce back. What of those people? What if I could have prevented their failure (at whatever activity)? Where does my responsibility end, especially when talking about students in my class? I don't have an answer, but maybe one day I will.

My Own Failures: I have too many to list but once I started this post, I realized that I needed to write some of them down, so here goes:

• I have yet to finish any of the books I've been writing. (Sorry HDC!)
• I have not finished the giant afghan I've been working on for 2 years now. (Sorry Sweetings!)
• I've failed at being a good daughter, sister, and friend. I'm a terrible friend by the way, just in case some of you are wondering.
• I'm too selfish (is this a failing or just a bad character trait?).
  
• I've failed at maintaining my weight loss and healthy lifestyle (up 27 pounds...not sure if I will ever lose it).
• I've failed at playing tennis.
• I've failed at my quest to always be honest with others and myself. This might be my biggest failing, so I don't think I need to go any further since this pretty much encompasses a lot of things that I've failed at.

So Why Are You Running Away? I ran a 5k this morning...on the treadmill...in 37 minutes and 27 seconds. My best clocked time ever in a 5k is 31 flat. I wonder if I'll ever get back there? I can honestly say that I'm hurting a lot after this run and my knee and ankle both don't appreciate the bad treatment I've given them. I'll just have to ignore them and keep going...or risk being up more than 27 pounds. But will my body hold up to allow me to lose the weight in the only way I know how (by running)? Only time will tell.