Day 41: 10/22/11 - "Something's Always Wrong"

"Another day of putting things aside

As if we'll come back to them sometime"

- "Something's Always Wrong" by Toad the Wet Sprocket

Knitting Projects: I finally finished the scarf that matches the hat for my friend in Nashville.  I'll have to steam the scarf to get it to uncurl but other than that, it is ready to go.  I even started on the first of 4 baby blankets that I hope to make over the next few months.  Unfortunately, knitting is no longer relaxing me as I find myself again being angry with myself for not being able to knit faster, knit better, and finish projects as I should.  I know that knitting is not my career and won't be my livelihood in any way, but I can't help but feel as if I'm again failing at something.

Selfishness: I had one of those experiences today where I was contacted by someone who wanted something from me.  This person had not bothered to check on me after my surgery via FB, text, phone, e-mail - nothing.  But as soon as they wanted something, they text me and ask for a favor that in the long run involves money.  It made me angry because I keep hoping this person will learn to be more compassionate and more human as they get older, but I see them getting more and more self-centered.  It scares me because I realize that this is part of what this whole current generation is like.  I'm surrounded by selfish people and selfishness and it makes it even harder than normal for me to make up for my own selfishness.

Sports: I hate it when I'm already feeling down and the teams I want to win in a sporting event, all lose.  This just makes me so much sadder than I was before and even though I know it is irrational, I still can't help having a real reaction to something that impacts the lives of others.  I also left my tennis match today feeling disgusted in myself for not playing better.  I miss the confident player I used to be, the one who didn't worry if her knee would hold her, or if her ankle would support her quick movements.  Will I ever be that person again?

Pretty Pancakes: I decided that I finally needed to add a new picture to my site - it has been rather plain as of late.  I'll eventually put a picture of some knitting up, but just to hold things over, here is a picture of the stack of pancakes I made for brunch today.

These are whole-wheat with strawberries on top - no berries inside.  Basic recipe for those interested follows:

Pancakes

1/2 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
2 tsp baking powder
2 tsp sugar
2 tbsp unsweetened applesauce
1 egg
3/4 - 1 cup of skim milk

Combine all of the ingredients.  Add the milk as you mix so that you can make sure that the batter is at the right consistency (not too thick but also not too thin).

Day 25: 10/6/11 - "Not Gon' Cry"

"Well I'm not gon cry,
I'm not gon cry,
I'm not gon shed no tears
No, I'm not gon cry,
it's not the time
cuz you're not worth my tears"

-"Not Gon' Cry" by Mary J. Blige

Midterm: So today my students had their midterm and I must say they truly did come into the class looking nervous (most of them) and based on the grading, I can say that some of them had reason to be worried.  It was difficult for me to grade because I want them to do well and I hurt for them when they struggle.  But the other part of me knows how easy I made the midterm and the students who did well, did so because they did the reading and work for the class.  So, no matter how bad I feel for the students who did not do well, I cannot feel too bad because obviously the test was manageable.  This will truly be a lesson for some of them on what they should have already been doing and what they will now need to do in order to get back on track.

10 Hour Days at Work, 4 More Hours at Home: That's been my schedule for the last week and now I realize why I'm so tired!  14 hour work days are not good for anyone, especially someone who is still recovering from major surgery!  Not that i can fix it or anything - that's the way it will be until I catch up or give up. Wonder which one will come first.

The Yankees Lose! Most people know that I'm not a Yankees fan, so watching them lose should make my day.  But truthfully, I'm just not that excited right now.  Kind of scary since I love sports so much.  I'm not even fussing about the whole TCU to the Big 12 discussion...might be good for us.  And what about Tiger's return (not that I care...but that's the point, I usually would care).  Please don't let me be losing something else I used to enjoy.  Things are tough enough as is - don't take away my leisure.

Day 8: 9/19/11 - "Innocence"

"What else can I do when the tears have all been wasted?
And the only voice you choose to hear
Sings the songs of our hearts breaking.
Say your dreams, they all have changed.
Well, my smiles, they all have faded.
And the thoughts that used to seem so pure in my heart
They now feel jaded.
Because I wanna feel Like I did.
And I wanna feel innocence."

-"Innocence" by Hootie & The Blowfish

Overwhelmed: That is the only word I can use to describe how I feel right now. I'll keep this posting short, mostly due to the fact that I'm too tired right now to put together one of my usual extra-long posts. I don't even know where to start with my list of things that need to be done. I'm trying to take care of things that need constant work but keep getting bull-dozed by things that need my immediate attention, along with things that are already past due. I'm desperately searching for some clarity in this difficult time. I'm feeling more and more tired each day and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up the pretense that I'm alright.

Play Through the Pain: I think I would have made a great professional athlete, for any sport that I might have tried. Why? Because obviously people applaud athletes who play through the pain. Break your leg but keep playing? You are great! Break a rib and puncture a lung and then come back in the game and lead your team on to a victory? You the man! If you can't see the sarcasm here, then you don't know me very well! Sorry fellas, but dying on the field only worked in places like Sparta during ancient times. You could be the ultimate hero in death - but I prefer to be the one who can return to fight (or play!) another day. It's not that I can't play through the pain - those who know me know that I live through the pain already! But you have to know your limits and a punctured lung is way beyond anyone's normal limits. What's next - a lacerated liver that bleeds out? Have fun surviving that one!

History: Congratulations Mariano Rivera - I may not be a Yankees fan but even I can appreciate his efforts and his overall dominance. Now, as long as the Yanks lose in the first round of the playoffs, all will be right with the world.