Day 137: 1/26/12 - "Overjoyed"

 "Over time, I've been building my castle of love
Just for two, though you never knew you were my reason
I've gone much too far, for you now to say
That I've got to throw my castle away"

-"Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder

Blanket In Action: I love seeing items I've made actually being used.  My former staff member who just had her first child sent me a picture of him wrapped in his blanket and wearing the hat I made for him.  Isn't he cute?  This is what makes me want to knit more.  Anytime I can see someone actually enjoying something that I made for them personally, it makes it all worthwhile (including the callouses and snagged fingernails).  I now know that finishing the other blanket I'm working on and then starting a new one will be very easy for me, because I know the joy that they can bring.

Dangerous to Myself: I am the worst person for myself!  I tend to hurt myself very easily (walking into things, falling down, etc.).  Today I woke up and I felt fine...then I leaned over slightly to drop something onto the couch and my lower back just "went out" (as my father would say).  Now I'm struggling to get up from couches and chairs, and laying down also hurts.  I've taken a muscle relaxer and also an anti-inflammatory and I plan to go to bed early tonight.  Hopefully this will help me to get better faster - I hate walking around with a limp!

Day 15: 9/26/11 - "Breakaway"

"Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And If I'd end up happy,
I would pray.."

- "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson

Happy Birthday Daddy! Despite my own sadness, I could at least smile today as I called my father to wish him a happy birthday. I miss him and my family so much, so any time I talk to them I feel even more isolated. But I know I'll be home soon for Thanksgiving. It's always fun to talk to my Dad, though he rambles on sometimes. His youngest brother (and only remaining sibling) is living with him now, so I worry about him less, but Dad tells me that my uncle is pretty much deaf now...and won't go to the doctor to have his hearing checked out. Sounds like I'm going to have to try to talk to him when I go home. And a fun surprise - My Auntie called this morning to get Dad's phone number so she could call and wish him a happy birthday. She also wished me a belated happy birthday. It's one of the strange things about my Mom's side of the family that I love dearly: My Auntie is my mom's oldest sister but she still calls my Dad on his birthday (and still remembers his birthday) though my parents are no longer married. She also threatens my dad if he doesn't come to Thanksgiving dinner (we always have it at her house) and she gets mad at him when he doesn't come visit. Love you Daddy and Auntie (and all of my family) and miss you all very much.

Tony Romo: Are you kidding me? You played last week with a broken rib and a punctured lung and some idiot decided that a pain shot and a protective vest would be enough to let you actually play tonight? Am I missing something? Like normal logic and intelligent thinking? Who in their right mind thinks that its a good idea to play football only a week and a day after suffering the injury that Tony Romo suffered (and no, I don't think it matters that he wanted to play - someone still needed to step up and sit his butt down!

Crying: Yep, started tearing up again today...really got to shake this because I'm annoying myself. I can say that I didn't cry in my dreams last night and the one I really remember was just strange. Let's just say that I was being chased by someone and I couldn't see where I was going but I knew by feel how to find my way down the stairs, out the front door and down the street...bare foot. I ended up hiding out in someone's car and then in someone's house. Then, poof, mom and dad are there to get me and take me home. And we are fussing at mom about all of the extra bags she has. Nothing in this dream made sense but it was a mixture of crazy things I had read (Zoo City), seen (Hawaii 5-0), and experiences (traveling with my parents). But the real question is why? And what does it mean when I dream about my parents coming to my rescue?

New Aches and Pains: Today I have discovered two new aches and pains. My left hip now hurts after I sit down for extended periods of time. And I now have a recurring pain in my right side. Now trying to catalog these things and see if I can figure out what is causing them.

Tennis tomorrow? I hope so! It's been a while but I think I can get out there and give it a go. Despite how tired I am, I truly believe that I need as much exercise as I can get. Better pack my stuff tonight so that I'll be ready to go in the morning. Let's hope my new aches and pains don't prove to be too difficult for me to overcome....or that it rains.

Congrats! Last but not least, a hearty congratulations to my friend HDC who apparently is married now. I wish her and her husband much happiness and hope I get to see both of them again soon.

Day 10: 9/21/11 - "Long Way Down"

"Long way down, I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down, I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down, I don't think I'll make it on my own"

- "Long Way Down" by the Goo Goo Dolls

Crying in Your Dreams: Yesterday I noted that I woke up angry and I didn't know why. Today I woke up sad and crying...and I don't know why. It makes me feel like I'm leading some other life while I sleep. I know I'm waking up sore and tired most mornings as well - and though I know this is likely due to my increased exercising, it makes me wonder what I'm doing in my dreams? I know I only remember parts of my dreams and that hopefully I'm actually dreaming more than I'm remembering (because then I'd be truly "asleep"). Last night, the only dream I remember was hanging out with the Bryan brothers. For those who don't know them, these are the twins who play professional tennis - usually very well. For some reason I was handing one of them, Bob I think it was, his racquet and encouraging him on the court. What is that about?!?!

From Sad to Angry: Of course, when I wake up sad I often wind up going straight to being mad because I'm so confused about feeling sad before the day even starts. I'd at least like the opportunity to face the day with good humor. Instead, I wake up with a giant black cloud hanging over my head. And this makes me angry. This played out the usual way in the fitness center as I angrily swatted at mosquitoes who seemed hell-bent on trying to bite me. I didn't even get one but the satisfaction of trying to kill one seemed to help me lower my anger threshold. Of course, I then got sad and down again because not only did I not kill the mosquito, but I couldn't even run my two miles. I left the fitness center feeling like a failure...

So You Don't Get Surprised: Most of the time I prefer knowing about something that others consider to be "big surprises" before they happen. I don't like surprises. I can't control surprises. But people insist on doing things that surprise me. The irony of the phone call I got today? What they were telling me really wasn't a surprise and I honestly didn't care...not one bit. There was also other "surprising" news today, but I've given up on seeing anything that happens as a surprise. I haven't lost my distaste for surprises. I've just increased my "really don't care" threshold.

Yankees, Red Sox, Rays, and Rangers: I'm not an American League baby (I grew up with the Cubs), but I'm seriously astounded by the collapse of the Boston Red Sox. If it weren't for the Yankees saving their butts (yes, I just typed that), by beating the Rays, they Red Sox would not be leading the wild-card. Even with that said, the Angels are trying to close on the Rangers, and while the Rangers have held them off, the Angels have snuck up on the Red Sox! Why do I find this surprising? These are professional athletes and managers who have been in this position before. Some of the choices I see them making with lineups, pitchers, etc. are nothing short of...weird. Conspiracy? I won't go that far, but it definitely feels like some teams want to win and others are just out their playing at the game. Good luck to the Rays - I hope they catch the Sox, but watch out for those Angels - they aren't done yet!

Mystery Injuries: I've noticed that I have bruises that I don't know how I got and now my back is hurting and I don't remember doing anything to hurt it. I think I need to keep an eye on these things to see if I can find out what is going on and whether I need to tell my doctor. Hoping I've just been clumsier than usual and things will clear up soon.

Day 8: 9/19/11 - "Innocence"

"What else can I do when the tears have all been wasted?
And the only voice you choose to hear
Sings the songs of our hearts breaking.
Say your dreams, they all have changed.
Well, my smiles, they all have faded.
And the thoughts that used to seem so pure in my heart
They now feel jaded.
Because I wanna feel Like I did.
And I wanna feel innocence."

-"Innocence" by Hootie & The Blowfish

Overwhelmed: That is the only word I can use to describe how I feel right now. I'll keep this posting short, mostly due to the fact that I'm too tired right now to put together one of my usual extra-long posts. I don't even know where to start with my list of things that need to be done. I'm trying to take care of things that need constant work but keep getting bull-dozed by things that need my immediate attention, along with things that are already past due. I'm desperately searching for some clarity in this difficult time. I'm feeling more and more tired each day and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up the pretense that I'm alright.

Play Through the Pain: I think I would have made a great professional athlete, for any sport that I might have tried. Why? Because obviously people applaud athletes who play through the pain. Break your leg but keep playing? You are great! Break a rib and puncture a lung and then come back in the game and lead your team on to a victory? You the man! If you can't see the sarcasm here, then you don't know me very well! Sorry fellas, but dying on the field only worked in places like Sparta during ancient times. You could be the ultimate hero in death - but I prefer to be the one who can return to fight (or play!) another day. It's not that I can't play through the pain - those who know me know that I live through the pain already! But you have to know your limits and a punctured lung is way beyond anyone's normal limits. What's next - a lacerated liver that bleeds out? Have fun surviving that one!

History: Congratulations Mariano Rivera - I may not be a Yankees fan but even I can appreciate his efforts and his overall dominance. Now, as long as the Yanks lose in the first round of the playoffs, all will be right with the world.