Day 215: 4/13/12 - "Shame"

"Funny how it comes to pass, that all the good slips away
And there's no one around you can remember being good to you
Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you
And open up more
Shame, shame, shame

What we lost here is something better left alone
Second steps have been forgotten, will you tell me how
They go
Set yourself, situate, like a fool try again
There's no one around you can remember being good, for you
So  

 
Shame, shouldn't try you, couldn't step by you
And open up more
Shame, shame, shame"

-"Shame" by Matchbox 20

Dreaming Again: The dreams of the life (or future life) that I wish I could have but won't came back to haunt me again last night.  This time I dreamed that I was pregnant and had a little boy.  My father came to the hospital to see me and to see the baby and I told him then that  I had decided to name him after my father "James Walter" but realizing this was also my mother's fist husband's name we decided to name him James Matthew.  My father was very emotional and I awoke from this dream very sad, because I know that time is running out for us.  I still have time, though limited, to have children, but for my father to have the chance to know that child and for that child to know him...that is a shorter window and with no possibilities in that direction, I know I can't even allow myself to believe it would be possible.  That's one alternative reality I wish I could step into...I'd give almost anything...

Never On Time: Why is it I can never finish a baby blanket before the baby arrives?  My friend Amy is having her baby today (hope she is doing alright!) and I've been working on her blanket for months, but I haven't worked on it for weeks until tonight...prodded by the news that she was in labor!  I guess I'll just have to speed knit and hope to have it to her before he is a month old.  And I know I have a couple of other friends who are pregnant and due soon that I likely won't have time to knit for.  And here I was thinking I could knit for a living..not going to happen!

Day 199: 3/28/12 - "Somebody"

"Keep on looking 'cause maybe who you're looking for is

Somebody in the next car, somebody on the morning train

Somebody in the coffee shop that you walk right by everyday

Somebody that you look at but never really see

Somewhere out there, there's somebody"

-"Somebody" by Mark Wills

Chocolate Banana Cupcakes with Peanut Butter & Vanilla Buttercream: By FB demand I'm posting the recipe and the pictures of the chocolate banana cupcakes that I made last night.  Sorry friends, but I haven't discovered how to post the smell but wish I could - it is simply amazing!  Here's the cupcake recipe, adapted from the Joy of Baking website:

Ingredients:
1 cup sugar
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/3 cup cocoa powder
3/4 tsp baking powder
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1 large egg
2 medium ripe bananas (mashed)
1/2 cup warm water
1/4 cup skim milk
1/4 cup olive oil
3/4 tsp vanilla extract

 Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.  Line 12 cupcake/muffin tins with papers.  In one bowl, combine all of the dry ingredients and set aside.  In another bowl (or your mixer bowl if using a large mixer) combine all of the wet ingredients and whisk.  Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and mix when until combined.  Scoop or pour the batter into the prepared cups.  Bake for 15 to 18 minutes (depending on your oven - mine took 18 and came out perfectly!).

For the buttercream:

1/2 cup unsalted butter at room temperature (1 stick)
1 1/2 - 2 cups powdered sugar
1/2 tbsp boiling water
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup creamy peanut butter

To make the vanilla butter cream, place the butter into the mixer bowl and mix on medium until light and fluffy.  Add the boiling water, the vanilla, and the powdered sugar and mix until buttercream is thick, creamy, and light.  For the peanut butter buttercream, Mix the peanut butter in with the butter until creamy.  Then add the powdered sugar, boiling water, and vanilla.  Each batch makes enough to ice 12 cupcakes thickly, so you may have some left over.  Buttercream freezes well though, so you can save it.  To use it again, allow it to thaw at room temperature for about an hour. Place back into the mixer and whip it until it is smooth again.  Only freeze it once though - once you thaw it out you need to use it all or throw it out.

Awaiting Frosting

Peanut butter icing swirled on top of the vanilla icing

With only vanilla icing

Hats!  I didn't realize when I posted the pic of my friend Jennifer's baby blanket that I didn't include a good picture of the hat I also made, so here it is.  How cute is it?

Day 186: 3/15/12 - "It Don't Matter"

"I'm barely living in my skin

Depressions my only friend

And I don't know where I'm heading

Trying to forget where I've been

And I'm so sick of lying

God please show me that silver lining

'Cause I've heard tale and I'm not well

My head's full of hell and this world's a jail..."

- "It Don't Matter" by Rehab

All About the Knitting: Another late post but I'll make this one all about the knitting because, miracle of all miracles, I finished Stormie's blanket yesterday!  I even posted it to my Ravelry site this time (and actually logged into Ravelry for the first time in over 3 months!).  Here is a picture of the loveliness that is the blanket.  Hoping Stormie doesn't read my blog so she won't see it before it arrives, but I still think the actual blanket will have a big impact (and the surprise tucked inside).

Full Blanket (I know, looks like a giant pillow!)

Close Up of the Blanket Pattern

I used a pattern from Caron called Treetops Baby Blanket.  Though not difficult it did take me some time to finish this blanket.  I liked the pattern because you could easily memorize it, so I could easily take things with me and not worry about having to have the pattern on hand.  This made it easy to work on the blanket while I traveled or attended conferences.  Now I just wait for it to be delivered and hope for a picture of little Kaylee all snuggled up!

Day 183: 3/12/12 - "Down So Long"

But we've been down so long
Ooh, it can't be longer still
We've been down so long
The end must be . . .
I know the end must be. . .
Oh, I know the end must be drawing near

-"Down So Long" by Jewel

So Close: I'm so close to being done with the baby blanket for my friend Stormie!  I'm having to take a break right now because my fingers and left wrist are both hurting a bit, but if I work on it tomorrow and Wednesday evening, I can finish it on Thursday and even maybe have time to make the surprise I want to make.  Then I have to start on the next blanket for my friend Amy.  It will be late too (that's my way!) but hopefully it will be something they can keep for a while and continue to use with the baby.  I think Stormie will find lots of uses with what I'm calling the Neapolitan blanket (due to the colors used).

March Madness Time!  I'm so excited that March Madness is here.  Along with the dreams of a perfect bracket come some seriously good games.  Even though my Sooners didn't make the Men's tournament, the girls made the Women's, so I'm looking forward to cheering for them.  I wish there were some games in this area so that I could attend, but I think they are too far away!  I actually have Thursday and Friday off, so I could (theoretically) go.  But at least I can watch at home all day and not be distracted by work (I know, that's backwards, but you know me when its sports time).

New Duds?  I'm in need of a new suit - I just realized that neither of mine fit any longer.  I'm thinking pinstripe this time around - I feel it would be classic and also slimming.  I'm going to look at Long Tall Sally and also at Tall Girl.  I want some serious length on those pants so that I can wear some nice heels.  And speaking of heels, I think it is time to splurge on some Clark shoes.  I'm going to hit Nordstrom's Rack sometime this week to see what I can find, but if no luck there, I'm going to just order some online or directly from the store at La Cantera!

Day 137: 1/26/12 - "Overjoyed"

 "Over time, I've been building my castle of love
Just for two, though you never knew you were my reason
I've gone much too far, for you now to say
That I've got to throw my castle away"

-"Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder

Blanket In Action: I love seeing items I've made actually being used.  My former staff member who just had her first child sent me a picture of him wrapped in his blanket and wearing the hat I made for him.  Isn't he cute?  This is what makes me want to knit more.  Anytime I can see someone actually enjoying something that I made for them personally, it makes it all worthwhile (including the callouses and snagged fingernails).  I now know that finishing the other blanket I'm working on and then starting a new one will be very easy for me, because I know the joy that they can bring.

Dangerous to Myself: I am the worst person for myself!  I tend to hurt myself very easily (walking into things, falling down, etc.).  Today I woke up and I felt fine...then I leaned over slightly to drop something onto the couch and my lower back just "went out" (as my father would say).  Now I'm struggling to get up from couches and chairs, and laying down also hurts.  I've taken a muscle relaxer and also an anti-inflammatory and I plan to go to bed early tonight.  Hopefully this will help me to get better faster - I hate walking around with a limp!

Day 113: 1/2/12 - "That I Would Be Good"

"that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds"

-"That I Would Be Good" by Alanis Morissette

What's So Happy About It?  I've always wondered about this idea that a simple change in the date, the flip of a calendar could be enough to make people believe that they can truly just start over.  Why do we feel that we have to wait for that date to come and go?  Why do we feel the need to make New Year's resolutions?  In my personal opinion, if you wait until the New Year to make a resolution, then you've already failed.  If something is important enough to do, then  you should do it right away and not wait for some arbitrary date to make a change.  There is nothing happier about this "new year" for me than the "old year" I just came out of.  I did not get happier in the last two days just because the calendar now tells me that it is 2012.  What I got was the same thing I had and it was no different than what I had a week ago, a month ago, or even a year ago...nothing.

Something to Brighten My Day: Even when I'm all doom and gloom, some things can still brighten my day.  Someone happily wearing a hat that I knit?  That makes me happy!  

This is the daughter of one of my colleagues.  I was in my hat knitting mood and she let me know that her girls liked pink and brown, so I decided to create a slightly over-sized striped hat for her oldest daughter and a similar one for her youngest daughter.  Her oldest daughter apparently loves her new hat and hopefully I made it big enough that she can wear it for quite some time.  See?  I can still have my day brightened!

Public Embarrassment: For those who know how much of a baseball fan I am, you won't be surprised to learn that I am applying to live in the MLB Fan Cave this season.  As part of the application process, I have to create a video and I decided to create two songs (one to the tune of Take Me Out to the Ball Game) to show how I can be entertaining.  I seriously doubt that I will get selected but at least I'm trying for something that I really want (and not just randomly entering a contest based on luck). I'll have to post my video online and I'll eventually invite my friends to look (and make fun of me!), but that is just part of the process.  Wish me luck - it could be a life changing experience!

Day 103: 12/23/11 - "Somewhere In Between"

"Give me a few hours

I'll have this all sorted out

If my mind would just stop racing..."

-"Somewhere In Between" by Lifehouse

How Do I Know?  Sounds like a Whitney Houston song but its a valid question to ask yourself for a lot of things.  I think this time I knew yesterday when I left work.  Today I went in smiling and happy - that's a good feeling to have!

Heading Home: Off to TN tomorrow and it will be good to see the family for a few days.  The trip back ought to be interesting as well since my brother is driving me back.  We haven't been on a road trip together in years!

As Promised:  As promised, here are the pics of the last two hats that I completed yesterday.  I delivered them today and one was already being worn!  Hope they get some good use out of them!

Day 102: 12/22/11 - "Say What You Want"

"You can say what you want 

but it won't change my mind

I'll feel the same about you

And you can tell me your reasons

but it won't change my feelings

I'll feel the same about you."

-"Say What You Want" by Texas

Knitting Fool!  That's me these days - I'm on the verge of finishing up two hats today (sorry, no pics available until they are completely done - I'll post them tomorrow).  My fingers are starting to ache a bit and I've noticed new callouses forming on my thumb and the inside of my index finger.  But I feel good about what I'm creating and I love the fact that I'm the one creating them.  I need something right now that makes me feel useful and creative, and my knitting is definitely that.

Some Decisions...Are harder than others, but I do believe that there is no such thing as a good or bad decision.  I've probably said "that was a bad decision" many times, but as I was asked to think about this today, I feel firmly that just like there is no such thing as good or bad luck, there is no such thing as good or bad decisions.  There are just decisions that must be made.  The results or ramifications of these decisions may be good or bad, but the decision itself is just that, a decision.

Some Decisions...Are easier to make than others.  I made one today that I know will have far reaching impacts on myself and my family, but it was definitely an easy decision to make.  Things will happen now that I've made this decision and getting the ball rolling is always important to reaching a final resting place.  I will reach it, sooner or later.  I would say wish me luck, but well...just see the above paragraph!

Day 101: 12/21/11 - "Broken"

"The broken clock is a comfort
It let's me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time"

-"Broken" by Lifehouse

My, What a Big Mouth You Have!  My first turn as the emcee of the Holiday Party was a smashing success.  Okay, so maybe not really smashing but I do think it went well.  I kept everyone entertained, cracked a few jokes, showed off a killer outfit, and had a good time.  It was nice to get a chance to also sit and joke (if only briefly) with a few colleagues I had not seen in a while.  I'm going to have to suggest they consider using clickers next year for the games.  A little A/V never hurt anyone and it would be so much easier to do grading if we could have a way of tracking people.  But even with the oddness of the activities, there was much laughter, decent food, and fun and games to be had by all!

Knitting Extravaganza: I'm starting two new hats due by Friday for a colleague's daughters.  I'm loving this chance to play with some patterns and colors and hope they all turn out alright.  I also finally blocked the scarf for my friend DL in Nashville and will send her items out to her tomorrow (I hope!).  It has been a while since I actually finished them but I just never had the chance to block them out.  Now that I have, I guess I have no excuse for not sending them along!

Home?  I'm looking forward to going to home now.  I wasn't before and I'm not sure why not, but I am now.  I miss my family and talking to them over the last few days just reminds me of that and I realize that I need to enjoy every bit of time I get with them.  Others have not been so lucky!

Day 99: 12/19/11 - "You Can Sleep While I Drive"

"Come on baby, let's get out of this town

I've got a full tank of gas with the top rolled down..."

-"You Can Sleep While I Drive" by Melissa Etheridge

Knitting: I realized that the first baby hat I finished might be too small so I decided to do a second one a little bigger in the hopes that even if it is too big the baby can grow into it.  I'm looking forward to mailing it off tomorrow!

Still Coughing: I hate it when my sinuses drain like this and I get a sore throat and coughing that just won't go away.  I don't have a fever or body aches.  Nothing is coming up when I cough, I just get a tickle in my throat and I have to fight the urge to cough every time I turn around.  I hope I can get through tomorrow without coughing all day (I have 3 doctor's appointments but none that could help me with my coughing!).

Day 98: 12/18/11 - "All I Want For Christmas is You"

"I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree"

-"All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey

Baking...Again!  I realized that my applesauce would not last another week, so I decided to try to bake a couple of things to get rid of it.  My decision was helped by the fact that I also had some blackberries and sweet potatoes that needed to be used up.  The final outcome of this serendipitous set of left overs was a blackberry coffee cake and sweet potato muffins.  They both came out very nicely and I think I'll definitely make the sweet potato muffins again.  Both recipes were found online, so nothing new from me this time.  Pics are below!

Blackberry Coffee Cake (looks a bit like a wreath!)

Sweet Potato Muffins (a little browner than I wanted on top but still good!)

Final Touches  I finally finished the baby blanket for a friend living in Tennessee now.  I decided to also make a matching hat for the baby, but I'm worried that the hat won't be big enough (I have no idea how big the babies head is!). I'm hoping it will fit (and considering making a second one to accommodate growth!  They don't take long and I can still get it mailed by Tuesday.  See the blanket and the hat below!

Day 81: 12/01/11 - "Never Too Late"

"This world will never be what I expected
And if I don't belong who would have guessed it"

-"Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace

Forgetful Me: So this post is actually a day late since I was up late last night doing Late Night chat and completely spaced on posting.  Maybe that's for the good since I sometimes need to think before I post.  I'm feeling listless again, which is not good, but also feeling a little bit more focused - as if I have something to do that is really important and that I can actually get done.  Let's hope that is true.

Knit Earrings?  Someone mentioned this to me as a business venture and though I first laughed about it, I'm starting to rethink the laughter.  Would there be a market for this?  Could I actually sell something like that?  What would they look like?  Do I have both the design and knitting chops to pull something like this off?  I think the answer to that is "I don't know, but I can try!"  I don't think this would be an expensive venture to start and at worst I make some gifts for friends to see if they'll wear them.  Gotta start somewhere....

Day 70: 11/20/11 - "Not Even the Trees"

"You see I'm tired of feeling this pain 

I'm tired of living my own little lie"

-"Not Even the Trees" by Hootie & The Blowfish

Just Not Right: No matter how well one day is, the next is not guaranteed to follow suit.  Today I've struggled with not feeling well from the start, including what I call restless leg, though I don't know if it is the same as the medically diagnosed issue with the same name.  All I do know is that it makes it difficult for me to sleep, and even more difficult for me to get comfortable when I'm sitting, standing, walking...moving in general.  And now I'm also suffering from indigestion, despite the Tums I just took.  The food at restaurants is too rich for me and I ate out tonight.  But I've noticed this happening more and more lately.  I'm worried I'm developing an ulcer.

Finished Blanket...Mostly: I've finished the baby blanket I was working on (mostly).  I now have to edge it and sew the ends in (which is going to take some time.  But overall it looks okay.  I'm not completely happy with the final design since I screwed it up - but no one will notice unless I tell them.  Pictures once it is done.

Day 57: 11/7/11 - "Whatever"

"I'm doing the best I ever did

I'm doing the best that I can

I'm doing the best I ever did

Now go away..."

-"Whatever" by Godsmack

Racism, Sexism, Librarianship, and the American Presidency: I know, strange entry but this was the topic of conversation during an impromptu meeting in my office today when two of my colleagues dropped in on me.  It was very enlightening and an engaging discussion.  I won't go into the gory details (when talking about the presidential race, it can only be called gory these days), but suffice it to say that I'm not the only one concerned about the state of affairs in my field and in this country.  It's hard for me to sometimes understand why there is still so much misunderstanding in the world...until I realized that the conversation we had today would be beneficial if the whole world could talk as openly and freely.  But we all know that there is no way that will happen.  I'm worried about the direction this country is heading...not because of who is currently in office, but because of who might wind up in office if the negative trend towards the current president and his party continues.

Not Ready: I'm leaving for a conference on Wednesday and I haven't even begun to think about what I'll take with me.  I need to check the weather in Atlanta to see what I need to pack and decide how I will dress.  I guess I should be more worried about the conference itself and my presentation but I'm truly not concerned about it.  I might even say, I don't care one way or the other.

That's a Hat?  What do you do when you try to make a hat and it doesn't come out right?  You turn it in to a candy bowl and fill it with good stuff.  I know what you are thinking - bad idea having that much candy on hand.  But I find that I have no trouble limiting myself to only one a day when they are at home.  It's when it is at work that I tend to gorge myself on the candy that is set in front of me.  This way I don't eat it nearly as much.

Penn State Scandal: I'm saddened and sickened by the scandal at Penn State.  The willingness of others to overlook the deviance of someone else, even when the evidence is staring them right in the face, is astounding.  People prefer to turn their heads and pretend not to see.  And the others, the brave ones who speak up, get ignored, or mistreated. I think we have it backwards, people.  Don't punish those who are trying to find for the rights of innocents.  Punish the abusers.  I'll keep fervently hoping for that, even as I watch other stories pop up on the news with similar plot lines.

Day 52: 11/2/11 - "Me"

"I am carrying my voice

I am carrying my heart

I am carrying my rhythm

I am carrying my prayers

And it's me who is my enemy

Me who beats me up

Me who makes the monsters

Me who strips my confidence

And it's me who's too weak

And it's me who's too shy

To ask for the thing I love

And it's me who's too weak

And it's me who's too shy

To ask for the thing I love...

I am walking on the bridge

I am over the water and I'm scared as hell

But I know there's something better

Yes, I know, yes, I know, yes, I know....

...But it's me..." 

Did I take your favorite toy when I was young?  I mean really, what did I do to make the Universe be so pissed off at me?  Did someone paint a "kick me" sign on my aura and then send out the hounds?  There is no way I can succeed with the roadblocks being placed in front of me.  So I guess I'm going to have to divert my path and head in another direction.  Because something tells me that if I try to go through the roadblock something is going to get broken, and that something is me. 

Two Down...Two squares to go on my first baby afghan of what I'm calling "baby season 2011-12."  It's kind of nice to be able to see how the squares are going to fit together and I'm feeling more confidant that I'll be able to finish the afghan before the end of next week (which would be a miracle!).

Genealogy: I'm still plugging away with the Franklin County marriage book - I'm making some real dents in getting maiden names for a lot of the younger women in 1900.  This is such a powerful thing for those doing research and trying to make connections.  It's funny how I'm finding it exciting to find information on someone else's family.  Of course I want to see information on my family, but the research is important to me as well.

Day 47: 10/28/11 - "Emotions"

"In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotions taking me over

Caught up in sorrow 

Lost in the song"

- "Emotions" by Destiny's Child

One Down...I finished one of the four squares for the baby blanket so I'm feeling pretty good about getting it finished in the next couple of weeks.  I'm not sure how the whole thing is going to fit together even though the instructions seem straight forward.  It also looks like I did a nice job of estimating the amount of yarn so I shouldn't run out.  I'm also thinking about this method as a way of creating other items, larger blankets, etc.  Maybe I'll create something for myself one day?

Wardrobe Malfunction: Today was one of those days where I put on my clothes this morning and I didn't feel bad about the way I looked.  Of course, this means that there was something wrong with what I was wearing.  One of my staff members was nice enough to inform me that I had a hole in the back of my pants.  And it wasn't just a small hole. So not only am I going to have to trash my favorite pair of jeans (the ones that still fit!), I was also showing my underwear to anyone who was walking behind me!  I had to wear a sweater around my waist for the rest of the day (how embarrassing)...

Language Skills: I'm starting to worry that there is something wrong with me.  Lately, when I speak, I find myself having trouble locating the word I want to use or not putting words in the proper order.  And some times I just start making things up, like today.  I meant to ask someone if they had seen one of my colleagues recently.  But for some reason I couldn't think of the word "recently" so I asked them if they had seen her "soon ago." Though we all got a laugh out of it, I don't like the fact that I put together words to create something that I should have been able to simply say.  I'll have to keep an eye on this as I go along...

Day 46: 10/27/11 - "I Dare You to Move"

"I dare you to move

I dare you to move

I dare you to life yourself up off the floor

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

Like today never happened before"

- "I Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot

Sneak Peak: I'm making headway into my next knitting project.  Here is a sneak peak at the baby blanket I'm making for a friend who is due soon!  I hope I can finish it and get it to her before the baby arrives, but if not, I'm sure she will still find much use for it even after the baby is born.  This is also a good way to time how long it takes for me to make this particular blanket since I'm planning to make it at least 1 more time for another friend who is due in late November.  Too many babies, too little time!

Surprise Text Present: My brother sent me a picture through text today and at first I almost didn't look at it.  Sometimes he sends me silly things (not that I don't need a laugh) and I wasn't in the mood for it today.  But I decided to look and it was a picture of my youngest nephew!  I haven't seen him in 2 years since Christmas and I've been wondering how he was and what he looked like now.  My brother took a picture of him while he was sleeping (so angelic!) and sent it to my mom and me.  He says that he is back in Decherd so I hope it means he'll get to see him more.  I keep telling my brother that it is never too late.

World Series: So I'm watching what I hope will be the last game of this year's World Series.  Texas is up by 3 in the 7th inning and though nothing is ever written in stone, this team just seems like it is right on target to take it all.  I'm glad since I've become attached to them.  I guess it's okay to have an American League team since the odds of them playing my Cubs is slim to none.

Day 41: 10/22/11 - "Something's Always Wrong"

"Another day of putting things aside

As if we'll come back to them sometime"

- "Something's Always Wrong" by Toad the Wet Sprocket

Knitting Projects: I finally finished the scarf that matches the hat for my friend in Nashville.  I'll have to steam the scarf to get it to uncurl but other than that, it is ready to go.  I even started on the first of 4 baby blankets that I hope to make over the next few months.  Unfortunately, knitting is no longer relaxing me as I find myself again being angry with myself for not being able to knit faster, knit better, and finish projects as I should.  I know that knitting is not my career and won't be my livelihood in any way, but I can't help but feel as if I'm again failing at something.

Selfishness: I had one of those experiences today where I was contacted by someone who wanted something from me.  This person had not bothered to check on me after my surgery via FB, text, phone, e-mail - nothing.  But as soon as they wanted something, they text me and ask for a favor that in the long run involves money.  It made me angry because I keep hoping this person will learn to be more compassionate and more human as they get older, but I see them getting more and more self-centered.  It scares me because I realize that this is part of what this whole current generation is like.  I'm surrounded by selfish people and selfishness and it makes it even harder than normal for me to make up for my own selfishness.

Sports: I hate it when I'm already feeling down and the teams I want to win in a sporting event, all lose.  This just makes me so much sadder than I was before and even though I know it is irrational, I still can't help having a real reaction to something that impacts the lives of others.  I also left my tennis match today feeling disgusted in myself for not playing better.  I miss the confident player I used to be, the one who didn't worry if her knee would hold her, or if her ankle would support her quick movements.  Will I ever be that person again?

Pretty Pancakes: I decided that I finally needed to add a new picture to my site - it has been rather plain as of late.  I'll eventually put a picture of some knitting up, but just to hold things over, here is a picture of the stack of pancakes I made for brunch today.

These are whole-wheat with strawberries on top - no berries inside.  Basic recipe for those interested follows:

Pancakes

1/2 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
2 tsp baking powder
2 tsp sugar
2 tbsp unsweetened applesauce
1 egg
3/4 - 1 cup of skim milk

Combine all of the ingredients.  Add the milk as you mix so that you can make sure that the batter is at the right consistency (not too thick but also not too thin).

Day 27: 10/8/11 - "Only Love"

"Who built the ball that is this Earth

Gave me life.

Water for my thirst.."

-"Only Love" by the Counting Crows

Loneliness: Today was another one of those days where I woke up blanketed in the loneliness that has become my life.  I knew it as I dreamed and I felt it as I tried to force myself to get out of bed to go to the fitness center.  I struggled even with that because one thing I've learned is, that if the body is not willing, the mind needs to be.  But if the mind is not willing, the body definitely isn't going to be.  I made it there and managed to do 60 minutes of cardio...though I don't know why I bother any more.

No Match: Yesterday was the final day of my free subscription on Match.com.  I officially tried for a year and had absolutely no success.  I knew those last 17 days weren't going to be any different, but since they were free I figured it couldn't hurt.  Instead of match.com they should call themselves, anyone but me, because that was precisely what the men on there were looking for...anyone but me.

Red River Rivalry: The one good thing out of today was that the Sooners beat the stuffing out of Texas!  I was very surprised that Texas absolutely did not show up for this game.  The Sooners were dominant on both offense and defense and it was good to see.  Now I just hope they can maintain things as they go along.  Now I'm watching the Rangers to see if they can take game 1 of the of the ALCS. 

Knitting: I finally picked up my knitting again and managed to do about 10 rows.  It's been tough going for me these last few weeks as I have been unable to find the motivation to work on my knitting.  Hopefully I will finish the scarf soon since I also need to work on the 3 baby blankets that I've promised people.  Hard to believe so much time has passed.

It's time to admit that I'm lost....Who will find me?

Day 26: 10/7/11 - "Moves Like Jagger"

"Just shoot for the stars
If it feels right"

- "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5

Cake View: Though I posted a picture of the chocolate cake when it was complete, I also wanted to post a picture of it sliced, so that I could show another dimension to the cake.  I've decided to forgo the lemon cake for another week because I want to make my s'mores cake using the chocolate cake recipe that I have that I know works and something new with a marshmallow icing that I'll need to practice making.  The lemon cake will have to go for the following week.

Picking Up the Pieces: I made a statement this morning on FB that I should stop reading my e-mails first thing in the morning.  Today was one of those days where reading my e-mail gave me an immediate headache and heartburn (yes, both things!).  Add to this what I call a blindside phone call where I get lectured for something I did not do (and would not do) and I was ready to throw in the towel before the day had even begun.  Sometimes I think that the O.A.R. song "Shattered" should just be my theme song for the rest of the year, because that's how I feel most days.  So tired and not able to fight back - defeated.

The Mystery of the Missing FedEx/USPS Box: So I ordered yarn to make some baby blankets (should keep me busy for the rest of the month if I can find the time and energy to get started!) and it was due to arrive on the 5th. On the 6th I realized that I had come home and not seen a note saying my box had been delivered to the office.  I check online and sure enough the box was "delivered to recipient" on the 5th.  But since I'm the recipient and I did not have the box, I was left wondering who the hell had my yarn!  I stopped at the office this morning just to check, and sure enough it was there.  One of the office staff stated that she had seen them deliver it - which was all well and good, but it would have been nice to actually have gotten notification that it had arrived.Guess I'd better get a move on with the knitting.

Midterms - Continued: I'm hoping that I can sleep tonight after all of the midterm angst that I've been dealing with for the last two days.  The sad part about it is, that I'm not even the one who had to take the test or worry about my grade.  I find myself stressing out for my students and worrying about the ones who are struggling.  I don't know how to help them when they don't want to help themselves.  I'll find out next week if I've lost a couple of my students - I don't know how to feel about that.