Day 347: 8/23/12 - "It Will Rain"

"Cause there’ll be no sunlight...
...There’ll be no clear skies...
...Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same...
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain..."

-"It Will Rain" by Bruno Mars

Party Number Two: The Access Services staff were so sweet and gave me a small luncheon party today.  I over-indulged (again) but it was tasty.  And it was nice to sit and chat with staff that I normally don't get to interact with as much.  Only two more parties to go (and lots of more things to clean up!).

Heartbreak and Smiles: Today I found out that two people I know well are both pregnant.  I'm happy for both of them though totally floored by one of them.  I am also completely heartbroken because both of these people are my age (or slightly older) and once again I'm watching others have what I want...knowing that I won't get to have that.  So part of me is happily planning for a 4th baby blanket (plus the one I have to finish), while the other half wants to lay down and cry as if her heart is breaking...because it is.  Maybe one day it won't hurt as much as it does now...

Moving Day Approaching: My moving day feels so real now and I still have so much to do..  I have to call the truck company tomorrow to find out how it works when you have a car that needs to go on a trailer on the back (you can't load the darn truck with a car attached to the back!).  Then I have to call the movers in Florida because they haven't bothered to get back to me and I need to schedule them to help me unload the truck.  Wish me luck!

Day 346: 8/22/12 - "I Never Told You"

"But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want you
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you"

-"I Never Told You" by Colbie Caillat

Last Texas Tennis Match?  I likely played my last Texas tennis match today - the weather was warm but breezy, so more comfortable than it has been in a while.  I lost, of course, but I did play better.  I'm also so sore right now that I can barely get up off of the couch!  I hope I'll be able to find someone to play tennis with in Miami on a regular basis.  I think I could get better and be healthier if I can be consistent with my tennis playing.  Not sure how my body will hold up to the wear and tear of that type of activity, though.  I'll just have to wait and see!

Another Last: My final LMT meeting today - I can't say I'll miss them overmuch.  I can say that I was reminded of a few things about the processes and procedures that gave me the biggest headache ever!  I can only hope that others will be able to weather the storm and come out better on the other side.

Day 332: 8/8/12 - "Rock the Boat"

"So I'd like to know where, you got the notion
Said I'd like to know where, you got the notion

To rock the boat, don't rock the boat baby
Rock the boat, don't tip the boat over..."

-"Rock the Boat" by Hues Corporation

What's Wrong With This Picture?  I kept seeing this ad on a site I frequently visit and every time I looked at it I kept thinking, "what is wrong with this picture?"  It took me a long moment to finally figure out that I was weirded out by the fact that they had Enrique's name above Jennifer's picture and vice versa.  How kooky is that?! 

My Olympics Update: Watching the Olympics tonight was like watching someone write up a plan for how to get the US back into the lead for the overall medals count.  Other than one event where the US only had one person medal, it was amazing to watch the US get two medals in a number of the other events.  They either went 1-2, or 1-3, and it was pretty amazing to watch!  I also, of course, love watching diving, and am a little sad that the gymnastics (artistic) competition is over, but another part of me will be glad when the entire Olympics is over so that I can go back to watching my baseball.  My fantasy team has suffered in my "absence"!

Biting My Tongue, Biding My Time: I had to bite my cheek a couple of times today to keep from saying something that might not have gone over very well.  Luckily I had someone sitting next to me who got my attention and gave me a look that said, "now, now".  It was pretty funny, actually, since what I was going to say wasn't really controversial - just contradictory to what others were saying!  But sometimes you have to step back and think about what is really best and what is necessary and what would have just felt good!  Oh well, it's not like I've ever tried for what just felt good before, so no need to change my pattern now!

Day 309: 7/16/12 - "Half Moon Bay"

"You save my life with every word you say

You shine your light for me to find a way

Just hold me tight and cross your heart to stay..."

-"Half Moon Bay" by Train

The S*it Hitting the Fan...Again...It seems to never end around here!  Seriously, people, what are you thinking?  Oh, that's right - no thinking involved.  Oh well, we'll figure something out soon - though I'm sure that it won't happen before I'm gone.  Trying to fight these "I don't give a f*ck" feelings that keep going through me on a daily basis.  I'm better than that...aren't I?

Bars..Something New!  I was supposed to make fudge tonight but ran into a problem...not enough sugar in the house!  So I settled for making two different bar cookies.  They are cooking in the fridge so no pics tonight, but I'll post pics tomorrow.  I'm a little concerned about one of them - I got carried away with the vanilla at the end.  The only good news is that the recipe called for almond extract which is much stronger - if I had goofed with that, I likely would have ruined the entire batch!

Day 304: 7/11/12 - "The Diary of Jane"

"Something's getting in the way
Something's just about to break
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane
As I burn another page
As I look the other way
I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane
So tell me how it should be..."

-"The Diary of Jane"

Fruitless Struggles: Trying to get anything done these last couple of days has proven to be virtually impossible.  No matter how hard I try to buckle down, little mini-disasters start popping up and I have to run to put out a fire.  Of course, sitting through a couple of meetings where screaming was likely the best, if not most logical option, didn't help.  It certainly meant that more time was lost.  But I'll find balance soon!

Day 281: 6/18/12 - "No Surprise"

"I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I say it louder, I love how it sounds
'Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrappin' this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise. I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed 'til today...

It came out like a river, once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever, just pushing it down
It felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now..."

-"No Surprise" by Daughtry

Some Days Are Longer Than Others: Some days are made longer than others by the actions of certain people.  Having to sit through a meeting where nothing of importance is discussed is so tedious sometimes.  Especially when you have other things to do.  Also, when you have to work on something that you truly don't want to work on, that can make the day longer as well.  Finally, dealing with someone who has their own distinct and negative opinion about how students should learn, and dismissing your offer of help, can make a day really, really, long!  And of course, having to cover chat until 9pm can make a day long.  I know I'm not telling most of my friends about anything they haven't experienced for themselves.  Hence my post just now getting done at after midnight.  But tomorrow is another day and I get to sleep in, so goodnight all!

Day 270: 6/7/12 - "Follow Through"

"So, since you wanna be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through..."

-"Follow Through" by Gavin Degraw

You'd Think I Would Learn...There are just people in this world who don't want to work and who will find any excuse not to do any work, even when their work is pretty basic and cushy compared to what others have to do.  If either of my parents could earn as much as some people do and only have to come to work in a library versus say, a chicken plant or a factory, I think they would jump at it!  If you are truly ill, then of course you shouldn't come to work.  If you just don't feel well but otherwise you are fine - you should come to work!  If I didn't go to work just because I didn't feel well, then I'd spend most of my days at home lying around, feeling sorry for myself!  Okay, off of my soap box..

Why Are Women Nicer To Me Then Men?  I've had a number of women tell me they thought I was pretty, even gorgeous (though I know that is a super stretch) and I remember thinking that they were all crazy (and no, they weren't hitting on me...well, maybe one was).  This is not about me either, this is about the fact that women and men see people differently.  Just like other women, I can look at a woman or a man and see the beauty in them - even if society says they aren't "beautiful."  So why do most men not have that ability?  I'm not saying all men...but most.  I know that in the world of most men my age and younger, I don't measure up.  For older men, I'm okay.  But by the time I reach the age of needing an older man, I will no longer be pretty for them.  How unfair is that?  Okay, time to stop dwelling on that!

Day 269: 6/6/12 - "Mexico"

"You could see me reaching,
So why couldn't you have met me halfway
You could see me bleeding
But you could not put pressure on the wound

You only think about yourself.
You only think about yourself.
You'd better bend before I go..."

-Mexico by Incubus

I Don't Shush People: But I really wish I could have shushed the construction workers who came by to set up the scaffolding for a project today.  They weren't being just naturally loud...they were adding extra emphasis (throwing metal bars up and down the scaffolding, so that when metal hit metal you heard a loud clang).  I'm surprised more of our students didn't leave but apparently they were okay with it.  It was just the staff who had headaches and were ready to throw the construction workers outs.

New Symptoms: I'm glad I'm scheduled for the doctor next week - it is beyond time for me to get an answer for the issues I'm dealing with.  With new ones appearing almost daily, I've lost track of when something started and whether or not I could have caused it by my own behavior.  I'll get my answer soon - just hope it's one I can live with.

Day 260: 528/12 - "City"

"Calling out somebody save me I feel like I'm fading away
Am I gone?
Calling out somebody save me i feel like I'm fading

In these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
There's nothing here to hold on to
Could i hold on to you?"

-"City" by Sara Bareilles

You Don't Have to Lie: I'm used to people not wanting me around, not wanting to spend time with me.  I don't need you to lie to me if you don't want to see me. Just say you're busy, or don't call at all.  I'm not going to pester you or stalk you.  If you say you're going to call and you don't (and I know you aren't dead) then I take it to mean you just don't want to talk to me.  That's cool.  Don't try to force things and then when you realize you don't want to actually bother with me, you make up some lame lie that I can easily see through.  That actually makes me feel worse than if you were just honest and said "go away, leave me alone, not interested."  I would find that much less cruel and more to my liking.  Honesty...so hard to come by these days.  It's okay though, I don't hold it against you for not wanting to spend time with me...most people don't want to.  The few who do are truly special...I miss them a lot on days like this...

Holiday Work: Working on a holiday is always a little odd.  Mostly because people who come into the library look at you with expressions that say both "thank you for being here -and what the heck are you doing here?"  I hate to tell them that they can't have it both ways.  They are happy that the library is open but they feel bad that someone has to work in order for it to actually be that way.  I did get a thank you from a faculty member who was glad we were open.  I guess that is something!  But I think if someone actually worked out the cost of having someone with my salary working on a holiday and the amount of work I actually did (or the type of work), they would say that I shouldn't be working on that holiday.  I get paid for the holiday and I get comp time for working.  Just a reminder that we need to fix the staffing issues we have right now - we can't sustain this any more...

Blueberry/Peach Cobbler: I tried my hand at making a cobbler tonight.  It was pretty easy, though nothing like the way my mom makes her fantastic blackberry cobbler.  But I found some recipes online and combined them into something that turned out to be edible.  I especially like the topping.  It was funny to see the different types of toppings that people put on their cobblers.  There was the crumbled style, the biscuit style, the cake style, the bread pudding style.  I'm not sure what mine is, but it sure did look good!

Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter?  WTF?????

Day 257: 5/25/12 - "Something to Believe In"

"You wake up every morning looking for your answer
You're waiting for your sign...
 

You swear the world has got you backed into a corner
But no one holds your hand to walk into a fight...

You spend your days alone still hopin' for the truth, oh
But all you hear are lies
But no on else is gonna tell you what to do now
No one else is gonna help you hold the line

You say, "keep my head from going down"
Just for a little, just for a little
Watch my feet float off the ground
Just for a little, just for a little
Love, if you can hear this sound
Oh, just give me something, something to believe in..."

"Something to Believe In" by Parachute

What To Do When There is Too Much To Do?  That's what I'm trying to figure out right now.  There is a lot that can be done and a lot that should be done, but for some reason these two things just aren't matching up!  I'm going to have to use Monday (I'll be at work for Memorial Day...all day...by myself...with the few students who have no lives either) to figure a few things out.  Maybe I'll be able to prioritize some things (while I'm waiting for someone else's input about a number of other things that cannot move forward without them).  I'm discovering that trying to get anything done on a long holiday weekend is nearly futile.  But it also means that I might be able to tackle my inbox to the point of clearing it out completely (what a dream!).  And then maybe I'll work on those projects that have been left idling for a few weeks (if not months).  Then of course there is the LIRT manual review project that I now have input back on, and the Immersion applications for review.  Something tells me that I'm going to be pretty darn busy on Monday!

Crossroads...Again: I find myself back at the crossroads again.  I thought I had moved away from this location with my trip down to sunny Florida, but that trip simply sent me back to the crossroads, so I'll start the decision process all over again. 

Day 256: 5/24/12 - "For You I Will (Confidence)"

"I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have

And cannonball into the water.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have

For you I will

You always want what you can't have

But for you I have to try..."

-"For You I Will (Confidence)" by Teddy Geiger

Confronting Anger: Yesterday we had an incident where I work.  One of our recent regular "guests" became upset for some reason (no one said or did anything to him), got up from where he was sitting and threw one of our chairs across the room.  I didn't see him throw the chair but others did.  I heard it through.  We called the police and though they came to speak with him, I currently do not know what became of him or if he was trespassed from the university (as he should have been).  But I'm reminded now of just how dangerous things can be even in a "protected" environment like the university.  I had the urge to approach the patron and get into his face about his behavior, but not knowing if he had a weapon made me hold back.  I was so mad though - what if we had been full and he had hit a student?!  That type of irrational behavior has no place in the library, nor in life in general.  Tomorrow I try again to find out what the police know so that I can inform all of the information desk staff.

Low Self-Esteem: I realize that despite the public face I present, I actually have a very low self-esteem.  This is something I need to work on, not just for the sake of being at work, but for the rest of my life as well.  I cannot go around feeling as if I'm not good enough for something or someone.  I need to go into every situation believing and knowing that I've done my best, put my best foot forward, and done everything in my power to do my job or live my life.  No excuses...

Day 255: 5/23/12 - "Sweet Serendipity"

"I can’t say what’s next
And I got nothin' up my sleeve
But I don’t lose my head
Cause it ain’t really up to me...

A nd I’m doing just fine
I’m always landing on my feet
In the nick of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Somethings watching over me
Like Sweet Serendipity...

I don’t ask for a lot
No nothing more than I need...

I just want to be strong
At the end of the road
I don’t want to hold on
I want the strength to let go...

Don’t look fate can only find you
You can’t choose for something to surprise you
Set sail without a destination
Just see where the wind will take you
You never know when you're gonna fall..."

-"Sweet Serendipity" by Lee Dewyze

Oh, My Back!  Why is it when my back "goes out" now days, its when I'm doing something simple and not really doing anything that should hurt it?  That's what happened this morning as I squatted down to put a bag down on the floor.  Knees were bent, no torque, bag was light and suddenly I felt my lower back muscles start to quiver and then clench painfully.  I made it back to my apartment but the stairs nearly defeated me.  I knew I was in trouble but couldn't even take my medication to help alleviate the pain and discomfort since I had to go to work today.  Just now getting ready to take my medication so that I can go to sleep and then pull a 12 hour day tomorrow.  That...truly...sucks!

Self-Absorption: This isn't truly accurate but it was as close as I could get to the sense I had today about how much I've been focused on the issues I've been having along with a couple of others.  Today I found out that a couple of other very nice people were having major issues too and it saddened me to see them so unhappy and looking for a way out.  One of them found that way - the other one is looking.  Both of their losses will be noticed and felt.  But it reemphasizes for me that others are suffering and not just the small localized group that I had thought.  It might be time for some sort of uprising or we all run the risk of having to choose to run away and start over - which is not fair to us.

Day 231: 4/29/12 - "Precious Pain"

"Everybody's got a hunger

No matter who they are

Everybody clings to their own fears

Everybody hides some scars

Precious pain

Empty and cold

But it keeps me alive

I gave it my soul

So that I would survive

Keeping me safe in these chains

Precious pain

Everybody's got a reason

To abandon their plans

How can I think of tomorrow

With my sorrow in my hands

Each road that I walk down 

Reminds me of you

This who town is haunted

There'll never be anything new..."

-"Precious Pain" by Melissa Etheridge

And the Disrespect Continues: I really don't appreciate it when someone makes a decision about my staff that impacts others without first conferring with me.  Now I have to scramble to take care of the issues created by this decision and smooth a few things over with others.  Thank you very much for making a mess and leaving it for me to clean up.  Oh, and thank you for continuing to do things that show just how little you care about my experience, my knowledge, my ability in general to do my job.  I do appreciate you making it abundantly clear that I'm not wanted or needed.

Thanks for the Comments, But...If you are visiting a location that is not your home institution (say, a student from another local college), you should keep in mind that you are a visitor and really have no say in anything related to how we run our location.  We do appreciate your feedback on our services but really?  Complaining about how we run our study rooms and taking the time to outline how we should actually run the service is a little above and beyond.  I'm sorry your home institution does not offer 24 hour service as we do.  But you should be glad that we even let you in the doors after hours.  Some universities require you to be affiliated with that university to be in the library overnight. And no, we cannot allow you to check out study rooms or anything else really since you aren't a student.  And I'm sorry that our library isn't quiet enough for you - I'm sure there are other locations off of our campus that might appeal to you more.  I'm sure our students appreciate someone who did not choose to go to school at their institution telling us how to offer them services.  Maybe next time you should try to get a better understanding of why our policy is the way it is, rather than writing out a verbal rant about something you do not understand.  Just be glad we let you in the doors in the first place!

Day 224: 4/22/12 - "If It Makes You Happy"

"If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad"

-"If It Makes You Happy" by Sheryl Crow

Don't Count On Me: I've tried so many times to show people just how much I shouldn't be counted on, but for some reason they just don't listen.  Don't get me wrong - I'm a very dependable person under the right situations.  Hell, I'll even give you the shirt off of my back if it would mean helping you stay warm.  But there are some things I cannot do and asking me to do them would not be useful to either of us.  So think carefully before you ask me for something - I might not be able to deliver.


Cookies For A Cause: I made three batches of cookies for work tomorrow.  These are actually intended for the students, so I was happy to make them, but I was peeved about the reason behind me making them.  We are using them to entice students to help us with a user study.  I'm peeved because I asked months ago for a budget for us to stock up on snacks just for this reason and was told no, that we could do it on a case by case basis.  I tried to explain that at times we would need to go out and attract students on short notice, as in the next day, and we wouldn't have time to order items and have them arrive in time.  So that leaves me helping out by baking cookies as an incentive. 


Cupcake Fail: Tonight I tried to make a Pina Colada Cupcake but they didn't turn out so well.  They were too moist and even though they originally rose, they collapsed on themselves when they came out of the oven, like little souffles.  I'll have to try to figure out what I did wrong, but I think enough of them survived for me to ice them and take them to work for taste testing.  Oh well, guess I can't always bake the perfect cupcakes!

Day 214: 4/12/12 - "Days Go By"

"So don't sit back and watch the days go by

Are you ever gonna live before you die

And when things fall apart

The world has come undone

Leave it all behind

Leave the loneliness alone

You wait forever blind..."

-"Days Go By" by Lifehouse

Tough Day: Some days are just tougher than others.  Usually you know when these days are coming (you look at your schedule and cringe).  On other days everything starts out innocuously...then boom!  Everything blows up in your face.  That was today and I never saw it coming.  It really all started with one meeting that just never went right and all went downhill from there.  No way to save that run away train and jumping off would have been suicide, so I just rode it until it finally pulled into the station and I got to stagger my way off.  Leave it to me to find a metaphor and then not drop it (Choo choo!).  At least tomorrow is Friday and I can hopefully finish everything that is expected of me and also get through my e-mail, write a proposal for ACRL (I'm working on two), review websites for my committee, review the manual for LIRT, write a short newsletter article, finish compiling my stats, find the perfect pair of shoes.  That's not too much to ask, right?

Day 213: 4/11/12 - "Warning"

"What's so wrong with being happy?

Kudos to those who see through sickness, yeah

Over and over

And over and over

She woke in the morning

She knew that her life had passed her by

And she called out a warning

'Don't ever let life pass you by'"

-"Warning" by Incubus

How I Miss It!  Today I got a small taste of library instruction again for the first time in nearly 2 years and it was exhilarating.  The pressure of getting materials read on time; setting up the room; double checking your presentation; waiting to see if anyone will show up; greeting those who do; and then the actual session itself.  I say I only got a taste because I wasn't the one teaching.  My peer coaches had their session today and I was very proud of them!  There are 5 of them and we split the workshop into 5 sections.  They did a great job, including drawing a concept map on the board and getting the students in the class to help break down the topic.  We played a game with the clickers and awarded prizes.  And I made lots of cookies as a treat for everyone (as one of my students said after we gave out the prizes - "And everyone gets cookies!").  Afterwards I was practically vibrating with energy and talking way too fast and feeling as if I could run a marathon! I crashed about an hour later, but it was a good crash (just back down to reality).  But I was reminded of what I used to love about being a librarian, and I miss it. :-(  But on the bright side - 19 people showed up for the workshop and the students handled it very well!

Day 200: 3/29/12 - "Do You Sleep?"

"And I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will see you again.
I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will be there."

-"Do You Sleep?" by Lisa Loeb

Sleep is Both Under & Overrated!  So it's been a while since I had to function with very little sleep and today reminded me of how important it is to get sleep.  But I also proved that I could get through the day and stay awake.  I can't say that I was always coherent...or nice...or really that I should have been at work at all.  But I did it and I can only endeavor to try to get some sleep tonight.  Wish me luck!

Answer the Question!  Why do some people simply ignore the question you send them, and either answer a different question (that you did not ask) or give you advice or information that you did not want or need?  This happened to me today and the sad thing about it is that it was more than one person!  I had to send information again and ask the question (again) to finally get an answer.  And please, stop telling me how to do my job!  I know how to run a project and don't need you or anyone else reminding me that I need to set concrete deadlines.  Stop trying to run my life and go run yours!

Day 198: 3/27/12 - "Voices Carry"

"I try so hard not to get upset

Because I know all the trouble I'll get

Oh, he tells me tears are something to hid

And something to fear

And I try so hard to keep it inside

So no one can hear

Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry...

He wants me

But only part of the time

He wants me

If he can keep me in line..."

-"Voices Carry" by Til Tuesday

And There is Even More...It's funny how you go into a meeting expecting a discussion and leave with a more work to do.  My to-do lists are getting entirely too long for me to balance and still get things done in a timely manner.  I'm trying to figure out what I can not do without running into issues.  Something isn't going to be done on time no matter what I do.  Now I have to figure out how to not get into serious trouble when I miss a few deadlines (like maybe 2 or 3...).

Last Minute Baking: I'm getting senile - I forgot I volunteered to bake for tomorrow at work so I just threw together a batch of cupcakes - chocolate banana. The batter was good so I'm guessing the cupcakes are good.  I don't feel like eating a chocolate cupcake tonight so I'll just have to hope for the best.  I'll make the buttercream tomorrow - don't want it to get old in the fridge overnight.  I'll post pictures tomorrow when they are complete - no need to have half -done cupcakes pictured!

Day 191: 3/20/12 - "If You Only Knew"

"If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone"

-"If You Only Knew" by Shinedown

Strange Days, Indeed: Today was one of those days that just didn't feel right. I had to go to the doctor this morning, which is what likely threw me off for the whole day.  The only good news?  I dropped 6 pounds, so now I only have 15 to go to be back at my goal weight.  I think I can make it but I'm going to have to work twice as hard as I already am (which doesn't seem possible, but obviously it is).  I got to chat with my doctor who was really nice (and very cute...nice to have a cute doctor!) and we chatted about running and other similar things.  He sent me on my way and said that I only had to come back if I wasn't feeling well - that's the type of diagnosis I prefer!  Then everyone kept dropping in on me at work, and a colleague blew her stack, and printers and scanners were busted.  Needless to say, I was more than ready to come home and hope that I can get some sleep tonight.

Speaking of Sleep: I'm supposed to work on my book every day, but I'm so tired tonight that I fear I'll only get a few lines in before I'm too tired to do more.  But I think that is necessary for me to be able to move forward with the book (and to keep it fresh in my mind).  Wish me luck - I'll try not to mess up because I can't see straight!

Day 185: 3/14/12 - "Hero"

"It's a long road

And you face the world alone

No one reaches out a hand

For you to hold"

-"Hero" by Mariah Carey

Late Posting: I went to bed last night knowing that I had not posted for the day (unlike a previous time where I just plain forgot).  I wanted to think more fully about the day before I tried to write about it.  I think I just needed some distance from everything that has happened recently and it seemed to culminate yesterday in a near "altercation" with a staff member.  I'm getting better at facing uncomfortable situations and outwardly I don't think anyone realizes just how uncomfortable I am.  But internally the physical sensations are awful!  I get nauseous, I feel as if my temperature has gone up twenty degrees and my blood is boiling.  I feel a mixture of discomfort and anger building because I realize that the other person is the one causing me to feel this way and the reason I'm struggling is because their reactions (and actions) are not normal or logical.  There is more to this story, let me start from the beginning...

"I Don't See Why I Need to Be There": This is the response a staff member gave another person when they asked them if they would like to sit in on a meeting related to a project they had assisted with.  This was there "polite" way of saying "no" to the request.  I explained to the other person that since they had actually couched  it as an invitation and not a requirement, then we really couldn't say anything about it.  Next time, I said, make sure you just say they are expected to be there and leave it at that.  If they want to argue then, well, we could argue.  The next issue came when I needed to make some changes in scheduling and I told my aide to contact the person to make them aware of the switch.  I was already having a bad day when this was happening, so keep in mind that my next decisions were impacted by my mood.  The person told my aide that they were busy working on a project so they couldn't have their schedule switched.  What project?  I didn't know of any project they were working on.  And even so, I wasn't taking away an hour from them - just switching them to another slot.  I almost went to the person and said, I don't care what you are working on, you didn't put in a request to have that specific hour off, so you need to switch your schedule to accommodate our emergency.  But I realized that in the mood I was in, this would not have gone over well.  So instead, I let it slide and covered the desk shift myself.  But I did realize that I needed to remind everyone of the requirements we have for asking for time off of the desk, and also asked all of my staff to send me a list of their current projects.  Obviously I didn't know what everyone was doing if they had a project that needed to be done at a certain time.

So Then: So this all let to yesterday where I got a request from an administrator for assistance with a project.  It wasn't the normal project we took care of, but we tend to be a department that does whatever needs to be done, even if it doesn't seem to fit with the vibe of our department.  Knowing that this person, though methodical to a high level, would be the best fit, I volunteered them to the administrator, and then went to tell the person that they would be assisting on a project.  They proceeded to try to challenge the request, asking me what the connection was (one of the other people involved is an administrator at the Downtown campus), and kept saying, even after I explained the project, that they didn't see what the connection was.  Then they asked who they would be working with and I again told them that it would be the administrator (as I had already said).  I even gave them the courtesy of asking if they felt it was something they could help me (which could have been a mistake, since I don't know what I would have said if they had said "no").  They finally shrugged as if to say "whatever" and I let the administrator know that they were on-board.  The attitude of this person is the real issue.  We are a department that is part of a library that is part of a university, and we all must work together.  I don't care where the projects come from, we work for the university so any project related to the university is fair game.  If they don't like it, then they should really start looking for another job.  I'm at the point where I now realize that the department would be better off without this person, but I know that my job is to work with them to try to improve their attitude and get them on board with how we work as a unit.  I just think this person is set in their ways and will do anything they can to make my job harder than it needs to be.  Why are there people like that in the world?

 On a Lighter Note: I did get up enough energy to make some St. Patty's Day themed cupcakes in the morning.  I treated it like the cupcakes war challenge and wanted to see if I could bake a set of cupcakes (and bake them well) in a short amount of time.  What I discovered was that I not only could bake a set of cupcakes in under 45 minutes, but I could also take a shower, get ready for work, cook the cupcakes, ice them, and get to work at my normal time.  I didn't have time to do anything really interesting for St. Patty's Day, so I settled for just making the cupcakes green and the icing green.  Easy enough with a vanilla cake and plain buttercream.  My goal for next time is to find a way to color the icing and cake more naturally, and not have to resort to the fake stuff.  But it didn't seem to impact the taste!

Pastel green icing

A look at the inside!