Day 275: 6/12/12 - "Upside Down"

"Who's to say what's impossible?

Well they forgot this world keeps spinning

And with each new day

I can feel a change in everything...

I want to turn the whole thing upside down

I'll find the things they say just can't be found...

Who's to say I can't do everything?

Well I can try, and as I roll along I begin to find

Things aren't always just what they seem

I want to turn the whole thing upside down

I'll find the things they say just can't be found..."

- "Upside Down" by Jack Johnson

Late Posting: I didn't actually post last night because I was too busy and too tired.  I had a lot on my mind, so I'm letting Jack Johnson speak for me...

Day 271: 6/8/12 - "Bittersweet"

"All these things I carry now
In this bittersweet, in this bittersweet now..."

-"Bittersweet" by Fuel

Tired: Most people who know me, know that I don't go to bed early.  I rarely get sleepy before midnight if not later, and I never get so tired around 10pm that I have to crawl into bed or risk falling asleep on the couch.  But for the past week, this is where I've been .  Super tired even as  I type this entry.  I'll keep it short and likely spruce it up tomorrow.  But suffice it to say, I'M TIRED!!!!

Day 172: 3/1/12 - "Hands Clean"

"We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this"

-"Hands Clean" by Alanis Moriessette

Surprise, Surprise: It's always fun to have something happen that you never expected but that you thought should really happen.  Today I heard about a process that has been started that may offer some forms of vindication for a lot of people while offering the rest an avenue to finally speak up.  Of course, it can all fall through which is also a good thing, because it would tell me what I need to know about an entire entity and whether there are issues that are so deep seeded that the entire entity is tainted with it.  We will see!

Long Weekend Needed: I think I need a long weekend to myself. No work, no knitting, no nothing normal.  I need to do something totally out of character and hopefully completely enjoyable.  I also need to get away from here.  It won't be this weekend but I'm thinking of taking the Spring Break weekend and doing something fun and exciting!  I wonder if I can get a last minute travel deal and just go do something....spontaneous...

Day 134: 1/23/12 - "Pur Your Records On"

"Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Got to love that afro hair do.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down."

-"Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae

So Tired - So This Will be Short:  With conference finally being over, it is easy to hope that you will be able to just go back to the way things were before you started the conference.  But every time I find myself coming back with new ideas, new directions, and a new sluggishness that is hard to shake.  Right now it is not even 10:00 pm and I am flagging.  The highlight of the day had to be having a mini-concert experience with Lisa Loeb.  I love all of her songs (and she played my favorite ones), even the cutesy little sing-a-long ones.  I don't think I won anything this year but with the travel voucher for presenting, I think I got my prize already.

Day 72: 11/22/11 - "Like a Stone"

"And on I read

Until the day was gone

And I sat in regret

Of all the things I've done..."

-"Like a Stone" by Audioslave

Two Days of Hell: I can't believe how hellish the last two days have been, though nothing truly bad has actually happened.  I find it odd that I'm feeling this way when other days have clearly been worse.  I think some of it is resignation and I don't like feeling resigned about anything because it is like being one step from guaranteed failure.  I can only hope that tomorrow will be better as I'll be able to try to play catch up with things.  Let's just hope that I want to continue catching up at all...

Mixed Feelings: I'm feeling very mixed about going home for the holidays.  On one hand I really do miss my family and want to see them.  On the other hand, I just want to be left alone...left to wallow in my misery...or just sit and read...or just sleep...

Changing Things Up: I'm planning a new schedule for myself, hoping to jump start my metabolism and get rid of this extra weight I'm still hanging on to.  I'm not sure how my knees will hold up, so when I go to my doctor next week I'll have to ask her what I can do to naturally take better care of my knees.

Splurge Time: I'm beginning to think it is time for me to splurge on myself a little.  I don't like doing it, but this time I think I have to.  What am I planning on getting?  A new computer!

Day 54: 11/4/11 - "Fallen"

"Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so..."

- "Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan

Tired: I'm tired of it all right now.  Tired of thinking too hard.  Tired of failing.  Tired of not being good enough.  I wonder if this type of "tired" is worse for my health than physically being tired?  Do they manifest in the same way?  I know this type of tired won't respond to sleep like my physical fatigue. I even suspect that it will only get worse.

Dreams: One of my staff members asked me today why I had given up on my dreams and I could only give her half of the truth.  The whole truth was too hard, too embarrassing for me to admit to her or to anyone else in public.  What is the truth?  I'm not smart enough to make my dreams come true successfully.  I'm scared of the failure I know I would be.  The part I could tell her?  That I did not want to be selfish and hurt my family by going after my dreams.  They think I'm successful - I don't want them to know just how wrong they are.