Day 276: 6/13/12 - "A Woman's Worth"

"You can buy me diamonds

You can buy me pearls

Take me on a cruise around the world.

Baby you know I'm worth it...."

- "A Woman's Worth" by Alicia Keyes

What Am I Worth?  This is such a tough question and one thing that I've been told that women (and yes, that includes me) have trouble articulating. Tomorrow I have to try to do this for myself knowing that if I fail to do it correctly I could make a big mistake.  I've never been good at it...I don't think highly enough of myself, I guess.  But I think it is more than that..I think it has to do with my sense of what is fair, not only for me but for other people.  I've often posted about how I dislike unfair practices...I don't want to become part of one!

Day 72: 11/22/11 - "Like a Stone"

"And on I read

Until the day was gone

And I sat in regret

Of all the things I've done..."

-"Like a Stone" by Audioslave

Two Days of Hell: I can't believe how hellish the last two days have been, though nothing truly bad has actually happened.  I find it odd that I'm feeling this way when other days have clearly been worse.  I think some of it is resignation and I don't like feeling resigned about anything because it is like being one step from guaranteed failure.  I can only hope that tomorrow will be better as I'll be able to try to play catch up with things.  Let's just hope that I want to continue catching up at all...

Mixed Feelings: I'm feeling very mixed about going home for the holidays.  On one hand I really do miss my family and want to see them.  On the other hand, I just want to be left alone...left to wallow in my misery...or just sit and read...or just sleep...

Changing Things Up: I'm planning a new schedule for myself, hoping to jump start my metabolism and get rid of this extra weight I'm still hanging on to.  I'm not sure how my knees will hold up, so when I go to my doctor next week I'll have to ask her what I can do to naturally take better care of my knees.

Splurge Time: I'm beginning to think it is time for me to splurge on myself a little.  I don't like doing it, but this time I think I have to.  What am I planning on getting?  A new computer!

Day 64: 11/14/11 - "Runaway"

"It's crazy, I know, to count on this road

To give me what I need.

But with every state line

Somehow I find, another part of me..."

-"Runaway" by Love and Theft

Life's Uncertainties: A friend sent me a text today telling me that her brother had passed away.  She had just told me about a month ago that he had cancer, but I didn't realize how serious it was.  I'm sorry that I was not there for her during this tough time, and can only hope that she will recover and survive, while also taking care of her mother who is also battling cancer.  This is the way life is sometimes.  One day you are here, and the next, gone.  I don't want to have my life end and feel the way I do today - there is too much uncertainty in life for me to be wasting my time not doing what I want to do...not being who I want to be.

An Unhappy Raise: I never thought I would see the day where I would get a raise of any kind and not be crowing with happiness.  I know that when I got my raise at NC State I was nearly in tears with gratitude.  But today I simply looked at the letter I received and then put it down and got back to work.  Maybe it is because I somehow feel I don't deserve it?  Or maybe it is like a friend said on FB, that money isn't the most important thing.  I do believe that you can't throw money at your problems (not unless it is a huge amount!) and expect them to just go away.  And I know for a fact that the problems I have right now won't respond to any amount of money.  I can only hope that I will see the value of the raise one day and appreciate it.  I'm not crazy enough to give it back (as if!) but I can honestly say that I'm not really thinking about it.

Dancing in Circles: I had a new symptom tonight - I got dizzy, truly dizzy and all I did was try to walk in a straight line.  It was disconcerting to lose my balance that way and I can only hope that it was due to fatigue or how quickly I turned around (I've done it before).  I'll add it to the other random symptoms that I seem to be accumulating these days.

Day 17: 9/28/11 - "Who Knew"

"When someone said count your blessings now,
'Fore there long gone.
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong..."

- "Who Knew" by Pink

Unhappy Camper: That was me today - nothing made me happy and everything bothered me for one reason or another. Some things I think I was right to be bothered by. Other things I think I just let get to me (or maybe they just felt bigger than they were because of all of the other things). My list:

• Woke up with a headache and still shaky (like most mornings).
• Watch battery stopped working so I wound up being late for two appointments.
• Complaints from students related to other students eating/drinking in the library (and subsequently a near argument with someone else about it as I tried to explain what the problem was).
• Left ankle swollen after only half the day (Really? I didn't even do anything to it today!)
• Forget to plug in my phone and it dies and then it won't charge properly.
• Ran out of baking cups and butter so had to hit the store on the way home during the height of traffic and heat.
• Father called to let me know that the car dealership where I got his car again reneged on their deal of free oil changes. Now I'll have to call them tomorrow to complain and let them know that they've lost our business (like they'll care!).
• 2 new major things added to my "to do" list for work, when I'm already seriously behind.
  

I think that's enough. If I add all of the recurring things, I might as well call it the "Bitching Blog."

My Failure as a Teacher: I'm starting to feel like I'm not being a very good (effective) teacher for my students this year. My group is so homogenous and I'm used to having some more distinctive personalities. I can't decide if I'm being handcuffed by the syllabus and topics that I did not choose (I just teach them), or if I'm just not a very good teacher for this particular group of students. How do I keep them from failing and also not fail them at the same time? Conundrum.

Money Flies: I know they say that time flies, but lately I would say that money flies...as in out of my wallet and away from me. It's funny how these things all seem to happen at the same time. Large medical bills come in at the same times as my professional organization membership renewal, and my need to make my travel arrangements for conferences. have over $2,000 go out of your pocket at one time really hurts, even when some of it will come back eventually. I wonder what it's like for those who don't have money worries. Reminds me of a line from one of my favorite songs, "I Am" by Train:

"I never had a day when money didn't get in my way."

Apropos I think.

Book Ideas: I know, if I can't finish the books I'm working on already, why in the world would I want to start thinking about another book idea? But this one is different - it's not fiction, it's real life. And it's a perspective I don't think others would think of. I won't pitch it fully here (don't want someone else to try to take it away from me), but I will say that it could be a great documentary as well!

Home made Buttercream: I know I've said this before, but I need to say it again...I will never buy canned frosting again! I've made buttercream so many times now that it seems like second nature. And the quantity you get and the quality as well are so much better than the pre-made stuff. I don't know if others agree, but I know I'll always splurge on the butter and powdered sugar and make my own! Check out my Day 2 for the actual recipe.