Another Dream Dies

Over the years, especially recently, I've watched a number of my dreams just die.  Not be pushed to the wayside, with the hope that one day I could revive them.  But totally gone, dead, and fading into nothingness.  Some of these dreams have been easier to let go than others.  And over the years I've formed fewer and fewer new dreams because I didn't want to deal with the pain that comes along with the loss.

About 6 months ago I allowed myself to dream again, and I dreamed big.  I went into this dream knowing full well that the odds were against me.  But I stupidly allowed myself to dream fully.  Today I found out that this newest dream was now dead.  Some have told me to not give up and to continue to dream - I'll find away. But I know this song, and I've danced this dance.  The finality is heart wrenching.  The pain is real.

This one is hurting more than I had thought and more than I know how to deal with. I realize now that I had gone so long, refusing to allow myself to dream, that I have lost my natural ability to just let it go.  I feel the stabbing pain of daggers being plunged into my heart.  I hear the sound of laughter as I lay on the floor bleeding.  I can no longer block it out and the pain in my head is very much real. 

I'm now in the coping phase - stages of grief happen for dreams as well.  But I'm not coping very well.  I'll likely be singing a lot (if you don't know, that is what I do - and I sing really sad songs, really badly).  Here is today's sad song and my sad voice trying to carry it along.  Listen at your own risk.  Maybe tomorrow won't be so bad...

Day 246: 5/14/12 - "Gravity"

"Set me free, leave me be

I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall

I'm just the way I'm supposed to be..."

-"Gravity" by Sara Bareilles

Fresh is Best:  I revamped my strawberry cupcakes with strawberry frosting.  Instead of pureeing the strawberries for the frosting, I chopped them into small chunks and then mixed them in after I had already made the buttercream.  I had a little trouble piping them since the frosting had chunks of strawberries in it, but the color is great and the flavor was nice and fresh!  I hope it stays that way - I'm not sure what will happen after they are refrigerated for a day.  I suspect that a day is all they will last.  I also made a lemon cupcake with a lemon buttercream. I may have overdone the lemon slightly, but it was super tangy and I really like it that way.  It makes up for the fact that the cake itself is flavored more subtly with the lemon.  I'm discovering that though it is tougher to determine consistency, etc., the flavors are much better when you use fresh ingredients.  No dyes to create the color of the cupcakes themselves, or the icing.  No puddings to get the strawberry flavor (if you want strawberry, make it with strawberries, not some flavoring that has all kinds of non-strawberry items in it!).

Strawberry Cupcakes

Lemon Cupckaes

Someone Else's Pain: Tonight I know I won't sleep but not because of my own pain or issues that I'm dealing with, but because of someone else's pain.  I waited to see remorse or any inkling of care for the upheaval they were causing today and saw none of it.  It was almost as if they didn't care at all.  I'm not cut out to be that cut throat or uncaring about someone else.  I don't fit in here - it's time to listen to my heart and go where it can be happy.

Day 236: 5/4/12 - "Edwin McCain"

"Does it seem that time works against us

Or does it just march on and on and on

Sometimes it drives me crazy...

-"Thirty Pieces" by Edwin McCain

Life is Just Unfair Sometimes: Today was one of those days where I saw the unfairness of life and could only shake my head.  Part of me understands that life can't always be fair to everyone - that's just not the way it is.  There will always be illness, and sickness, and death, and bad decisions made by others.  But there is always a strong part of me that does not want to accept this - who at least wants to eliminate the impact caused by those bad decisions.  I'm left to clean up the mess only partly of my own making while others simply continue doing what they've always done.   For once I'm not referring to myself when talking about the unfairness of life.  Contrary to the melancholy bent of my posts lately, I do know that I'm not the only person who feels they got the short end of the stick.  I also know that I'm far better off than many people and that things could be much, much worse....

Heart Broken By Reality:  I've had my heart broken so many times that I know it won't ever go back together.  Today, as I walked around the grocery store, I saw scene after scene of couples shopping together, mothers with kids, fathers with kids, mothers and fathers with kids.  And I see the possibility of that continuing to slip further and further away.  I try to make myself feel better about it - I wouldn't be a good wife anyway.  And I'd be a terrible mother.  I know both aren't true, but I try to lie to myself so that I at least have a reason to get out of the bed in the morning.  Without that I would want to hide from the world - unable to take the pity in the eyes of those around me who would see the failure that I am.  The day I reach pity level is the day I have leave and start over.  I can take disdain, anger, dislike, and indifference...but I can't take pity...

Day 225: 4/23/12 - "Someday"

"You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday"

Cruel to Be Kind: Yesterday I did something that most would agree was mean, even cruel.  And yes, I did it on purpose because it was the right thing to do.  Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind to someone and being mean was the only way I could get them to understand just how serious I was.  But that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt me as well, or that I don't have to live with  myself and what I did every day.  It may have been the right thing to do, but it hurt like hell.  It also meant the closing of a door for me, and every time those doors close, I find myself being pushed further and further into this tiny space where there will be no space to move, no one to talk to, and I'll be alone.

Mirrors: I go through periods of time where I don't look in mirrors.  Over the years, in my efforts to avoid having to look at myself, I've learned to floss and brush my teeth, wash my face, apply make-up, put my contacts in and take them out, and even fix my hair without having to look in the mirror.  I also dress and head out the door without checking out my reflection.  When those days happen, I feel as if I'm walking around with a huge sign over my head pointing at me and saying, please, make fun of her.  Hearing hurtful words every day can be very taxing for the soul...stupid...fat...ugly...freak...And no matter what other say to try to balance this out, you hear the truth, you know the validity of the words.  You look in the mirror and you see that same stupid, fat, ugly, freak that has always stared back at you.  So you stop looking, because its easier to pretend that you aren't those things when you don't have the evidence staring you right in the face.  Mirrors don't lie...and facing that truth is difficult to do, especially every day.  So cut me some slack if I choose to run and hide from the truth every once in a while.
 

Day 196: 3/25/12 - "Lonely"

"Do you know what it's like to be lonely?

Do you know what it's like to be blue?

Oh, everyone knows, that's the way it goes

Do you know what it's like to be lonely?"

-"Lonely" by The Black Lillies

Ramifications: Yesterday took its toll.  People ask me why I don't do more - go out, try to have fun, meet people, etc.  Because when I try, all I do is fail in my efforts.  Then I wind up more sad than when I started out.  That is where I'm at today.  I woke up so sad this morning and only got out of bed because I was at the stupid hotel and had to check out.  Some days I wish I could just disappear...go somewhere and just hide away from the world.  Maybe then I would find peace.

Day 195: 3/24/12 - "Same Mistakes"

"I know I’ve hurt you, I know I’ve let you down.
When you needed me I was not around
And I’m sorry for my selfish ways
Please forgive the same mistakes..."

-"Same Mistakes" by The Black Lillies

Seeing Friends - Seeing Enemies: Today was supposed to be a day of complete fun and joy but because its me, of course that didn't happen.  I did get to see some friends today, which was good.  I don't get to spend much time with people that I consider to be true friends, so when it does happen I try to savor it.  It was especially good to see my friend Trisha!  I hopped over to the Monnalisa to listen to her band, The Black Lillies, play.  They held it down in a club full of people who weren't necessarily there for the music.  I could even see a few people who were clearly there to just enjoy the drinking and the atmosphere, tapping their feet and nodding their heads.  The Black Lillies definitely have a sound that I like - and I was pleasantly surprised to hear the bluesy tones coming through.  I'll be downloading some of their music as soon as I get home!  The enemies part of this conversation include myself.  I am my own worst enemy and I need to work on being more supportive to myself.  But there are also a couple of other people in my life who I think of as enemies.  I'm doing my best to push them out because I refuse to have them bring me any lower than I already am.  If your only goal when you are with me or planning to be with me is to try to change me because I don't do "fun" stuff, then move on.  The stuff you see as fun, I see as stupid and immature.

More on the Black Lillies: I was not surprised that I like the Black Lillies - country music speaks clearly to me.  But I was surprised that there were so many songs that I had not heard that spoke so clearly to how I was feeling tonight (and many other nights).  As I listened to some of the words, I could feel emotions rising in me, tears coming to my eyes, as the words hit home.  Music makes me realize just how much I'm not seeing of the world around me.

I Quit: So, I'm standing in a bar that is essentially a club.  I'm wearing a nice dress.  I'm obviously alone.  And the only person who talks to me is another woman, who first complimented me on my dress, and then said that it was a shame that I was by myself.  She then asked me if I liked men or women.  I replied, men - unfortunately.  Why unfortunately?  Because tonight it became even clearer to me that I might be interested in men, but they aren't interested in me.  Doesn't that just leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Day 188: 3/17/12 - "Everything You Want"

"He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why"

-"Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon

Happy St. Patty's Day: St. Patty's Day was today and I decided I would celebrate by making myself green pancakes.  And then I promptly got sick right after eating them (no, it wasn't the pancakes - I was already feeling ill before I ate them).  But of course, the human brain doesn't always allow things like that just go by the wayside, so now I'm in total disgust for this holiday, though it has nothing to do with why I got sick.  I think I'm just out to hate all holidays for one reason or another.  I'm finding it way too easy to be disagreeable about anything that involves people having fun and being merry together.  Why?  Because I'm not able to go out and do the same thing, most likely.  Or maybe I'm just fulfilling my destiny to be a mean old woman.

Why I Got Sick...I'm not sure why I got sick today during my run.  I honestly felt great through the first 5 miles and then all of a sudden I started feeling lightheaded and my stomach started hurting.  I usually don't get that way unless it is super hot outside or else I was already feeling ill when I set out.  But that wasn't the case this time - I was feeling great when I headed out and even had a nice steady pace going. I got so ill I had to sit down right in the middle of the sidewalk for five minutes until I was able to walk (and not run) home.  So not only was I feeling ill by the time I got there, I was also feeling very disappointed.  Any time I have to give up on a run (especially on a nice day when I'm close to the end anyway), I feel as if I have failed...

Day 83: 12/03/11 - "Breathe (2AM)"

"It's 2am and she calls me cause I'm still awake

Can you help me unravel my latest mistake..."

-"Breathe (2AM) by Anna Nalick

Alien: Today I realize that though I love my family very much, I am not one of them. No, I do not mean genetically.  I am very much of their blood.  But some how, some way, I turned out to be a little different and that has never been more apparent to me than today.  I received a phone call from a member of my family and what they had to share was that they had screwed up...again.  I felt immediate anger but instead of yelling (as I wanted to) I said what I usually say.  What I really wanted to do was scream at them about how selfish they have been and how cowardly.  I don't understand it when people drink or do drugs as a way to deal with their problems.  It never solves the problem they are running from and it usually (as in this case) creates even more problems for them.  Problems that I will likely have to help them deal with and that will impact me more negatively than it does them.  Why am I the one who always has to pay?

I finally decided that I must have done something really terrible in a past life to deserve everything that is happening now.  I must have been mean and ungrateful to a wonderful family.  I must have taken everything for granted.  I bet I was beautiful and popular and rich.  I bet I had everything but didn't have enough sense to enjoy it.  Because now I have nothing and every day just seems to get worse.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do now - how to cope when the logical answer is the exact opposite of my personal make up.  How do I make myself get up every day when I know what I have to face?  Easy - I'm not a coward like the others.

Day 72: 11/22/11 - "Like a Stone"

"And on I read

Until the day was gone

And I sat in regret

Of all the things I've done..."

-"Like a Stone" by Audioslave

Two Days of Hell: I can't believe how hellish the last two days have been, though nothing truly bad has actually happened.  I find it odd that I'm feeling this way when other days have clearly been worse.  I think some of it is resignation and I don't like feeling resigned about anything because it is like being one step from guaranteed failure.  I can only hope that tomorrow will be better as I'll be able to try to play catch up with things.  Let's just hope that I want to continue catching up at all...

Mixed Feelings: I'm feeling very mixed about going home for the holidays.  On one hand I really do miss my family and want to see them.  On the other hand, I just want to be left alone...left to wallow in my misery...or just sit and read...or just sleep...

Changing Things Up: I'm planning a new schedule for myself, hoping to jump start my metabolism and get rid of this extra weight I'm still hanging on to.  I'm not sure how my knees will hold up, so when I go to my doctor next week I'll have to ask her what I can do to naturally take better care of my knees.

Splurge Time: I'm beginning to think it is time for me to splurge on myself a little.  I don't like doing it, but this time I think I have to.  What am I planning on getting?  A new computer!

Day 51: 11/1/11 - "Shattered"

"In a way I need a change from this burnout scene

Another time, another town, another everything..."

- "Shattered by O.A.R.

I Feel Heavier...As if some great weight, something even heavier than all of the mess I'm already carrying, was just thrown across my shoulders.  This weight is new and I can't seem to put my finger on it, but it feels almost real with its mass, bearing down on me, making my back and legs hurt; making my neck strain as I try to remember to straighten up; making my head hurt; and making anything I do seem to be the toughest thing I've ever had to do.

What Would You Change?  Talk about a loaded question.  I posted on FB that I wanted to start my life over (knowing what I already know now), and one of my friends asked me what I would change.  There is no way I'm posting that on FB because the list would be too long and also too personal.  But I'll post parts of it here so that I can at least get some of this off of my chest:

• I would avoid the abuse that I suffered for so many years.  No one should have to endure that and though I survived, it is a set of memories that I could live without.
• I would have never put chemicals in my hair (sounds simplistic, but you have to understand the cost - mental, physical, monetary - that goes along with putting chemicals in your hair.
• I would have played more sports and taken up tennis at an earlier age.
• I would have insisted that I be taken to the doctor for my continuous medical issues instead of suffering from them for so many years.
• I would have gone to a different college - I loved OU but it was not where I needed to be.

That's the short list and the only one I'm willing to print.  Yes, if I could start over with the knowledge I have now, I would...

Day 44: 10/25/11 - "Want To"

"We could keep things just the same

Leave here the way we came..."

- "Want To" by Sugarland

Piling On: That's what it feels like right now, like everything is just piling on.  Here I am trying to feel better and trying to pick up my spirits, despite the sadness lingering over my life.  And then I get another announcement from a friend about their impending happiness, or someone posts new pictures and I'm ten steps back from where I was.  The tears come much quicker now than ever before.  I've already cried twice today and I know I'll cry myself to sleep tonight.  Sometimes you just know these things.

Baked Goods: My students made cupcakes and brought in pumpkin pie today for their class presentations!  I was surprised that they followed through (well, the pie group.  My cupcake group likes to bake!).  I tried a piece of the pumpkin pie (did not like it and won't eat it again!), but I couldn't finish it.  The cupcakes were tasty though and my students used the recipe I use for their buttercream.  It came out nice (and they colored it).  Sorry, no pictures for this one, I didn't have my camera.

Balancing My Life:  I read the chapter that my students have to read for class on Thursday and it made me laugh because it reminded me that I needed to learn how to balance my own life.  How can I talk to my students about balancing when I have none of my own?  I need to find time for myself somewhere in my life.  Even if I have to start doing things on my own, at least I need to start doing them.