Day 152: 2/10/12 - "Too Much"

"I eat too much
I drink too much
I want too much
Too much"

"Too Much" by Dave Matthews Band

One More Day to Dream: I have one more day to dream before reality will creep in.  It's actually difficult to hold on to the dream since I know that reality is waiting for me around the corner.  All the signs are there - all the indicators that the dream will die are crawling slowly towards my heart, though my mind has already acknowledged them.  Tonight I'll go to sleep and have one more night to dream about you and when I wake in the morning, I'll cry until I can't breathe...then I'll get up and go on.

What's My Motivation?  I'm trying to figure out what my motivation in life is now.  I'm looking at my life and trying to analyze things in a logical way.  But the questions seem to get tougher and the answers more elusive.  Why do I go to work every day?  Why do I try to work on those things that I know I'll never accomplish?  why do I bother believing in anything any more?  Why don't I give up?  What is my motivation?

Day 80: 11/30/11 - "Whipping Boy"

"Lay all you want on me

Lay all you want on me

Lay all you want on me

I'll be your whipping boy..."

-"Whipping Boy" by Train

Sick & Tired: To say I'm sick and tired right now is nearly an understatement.  I'll already dreading tomorrow when I will have to force myself to go back to work and try to figure out how to balance a day with no breaks.  I took today off to try to reboot myself - but I think it back fired. After visiting the doctor this morning I've now been scheduled to see 3 more specialist and I'm putting one other on hold until I have some answers.  I'm also now scheduled for two more procedures (minimum) and hopefully an answer that can be treated - that's all I can ask for right now.

Motivation: I've lost all of my motivation again - I hate this seemingly never-ending cycle of slowly building my motivation back up and then having it just disappear again.  How am I supposed to maintain or finish anything?  I've got projects running that I have no hope of finishing and other projects that I have enough sense to not even start.  When did I become such a failure at the things I find fun in life?

Day 48: 10/29/11 - "Wish You Were Here"

"The world's a roller coaster

And I am not strapped in..."

- "Wish You Were Here" by Incubus

5.5 Miles: That's how far I ran today...outside...for the first time in months.  I'm hoping it was because my medicine is finally kicking in and giving me back some of my energy.  It could also be because the weather was so much cooler I could actually run without sweating so much that I lost all of my nutrients.  I can never replace them fast enough, especially when I'm running outside.  I actually ran the entire time as well and didn't have to walk at all.  So I'm feeling a little more accomplished than before.  My time wasn't great and I know I likely was only running about 4.5 mph (I used to average 5.5 or higher), but I need to remind myself that I accomplished something today and I should be proud.  My poor knee isn't too happy about it though.  I didn't have any trouble while I was running but it is store and stiff now, so I'll have to give it some TLC.

Genealogy Research: I started doing my genealogy research again today.  It's been a while since I worked on the project and it felt good to get back to the "finding" part of things.  I have the Franklin County Marriage's 1884-1903 book right now and I'm checking it with my 1910 census records.  I hope to check it with a few other times too but that will have to wait to see if I can actually get through 1900 before I have to return the book to the library that it was borrowed from.  I also split time with knitting today, though I know I need to be writing.  I just don't have the motivation right now.  Speaking of motivation...

Motivation: I have none when it comes to work.  I don't understand why even thinking about my job makes me want to curl into a ball and sob.  Not a good feeling to have at all.  I remember the drive I had when I first started.  Is it just the fact that my hormones are out of whack right now?  Or is it something else?  Am I blinding myself to some important truth while I try to find a way to encourage myself to keep working?  Who is this person who feels like a complete waste of space?

Day 32: 10/13/11 - "Someone Like You"

"I heard that you settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true."

-"Someone Like You" by Adele

Stress: Today we had a guest speaker from counseling services come speak to my class.  It was a bit surreal, because as she was speaking to the students, she might as well had been telling them about how I was feeling right then.  She asked them what happened when they got stressed and most of the "symptoms" were physical.  She eventually read off the list of all of the things that could happen and I could have been putting check marks next to every last bit of it.  Not that I didn't know I was stressed - don't get me wrong.  Unlike my students, some of who believe that they don't get stressed, I know what stress feels like.  I know what it is like to deal with both internal and external stress. And I know what it feels like when your internal stress begins to ruin your life (kind of like it is now).  Then she started talking about what they could do to combat their stress issues.  I knew the answers but I realized that I'm not doing any of them right now.  The real question is "why not?"  Taking time for myself, doing what I want to do, relaxing, exercising, etc.  All of these things can help.  Hell, even knitting and baking, my usual stand-by stress relievers, could have helped.  But I've hit the point where even these things don't appeal to me.  So what do you do when there is nothing you want to do?

Book Sale: One more day of picking up books and then the book sale can get going on Monday as planned.  I can honestly say that I'm not feeling guilty about not having the money to donate this year.  I've spent more time, energy and gas (not the mention the miles on my car) on this book sale that I think I've given in the only way I can.  Besides, I have issues with the idea of my place of employment pressuring me to donate money to worthy causes.  Who's to say that I'm not already doing that?  How do they know that I don't give money to different charities every month?  Why do they have the right to say that we are going to run this campaign in October and we want 100% participation?  They won't get 100% this year and I'll be one of the reasons for it.  Should I feel guilty?  Right now, I think I have a sliver of guilt left in me.  I'm sure it will be gone soon enough - my of my emotions seem to ebb and flow these days, why not guilt?

Schedules: Wednesday threw me completely off schedule, with my having to be downtown by 8am.  I didn't make it to the gym and then this morning I was so tired I could barely get out of bed.  I'm heading off to bed soon and have to get up at a normal time tomorrow - but I worry I won't have the energy or motivation to make it to the gym.  If I were seeing progress with weight loss I think it would be easier.  The other issue is the continuous pain I'm dealing with in my left hip and my left ankle.  I thought that the two days "off" would help but today I continued to limp around.  It might be time to reconsider the visit to the ankle specialist as soon as I can afford it.

Day 12: 9/23/11 - "Shiver"

"Immobilized by the thought of you
Paralyzed by the sight of you
Hypnotized by the words you say
Not true but I believe 'em anyway"

- "Shiver" by Maroon 5

12 Hour Shifts Are For the Young: I haven't had to work a 12 hour shift in well over a year. Last night as I got ready for bed I had this thought that I was going to have to work 12 hours tomorrow. I just knew it. Sure enough, when I got in to work today my staff member who closes had called in sick. So I got to stay and despite my best efforts to be coherent and logical, by the time 8 pm rolled around I was pretty much punch drunk. I'm just hoping I actually locked up everything like I was supposed to and put the keys back up - that would suck if I forgot.

Staffing is Important: People keep telling me that I need to consider whether the staffing I have is what I need or if we could consider hiring students, and I keep telling them "no, students aren't the answer for us here - not the way we have things set up." Then I checked my e-mail, found out that I have a "secret" folder and found a message from a librarian who wanted to tell me that we needed to change our information on our chat entry page because we weren't being accurate about who was staffing the chat service vs. who was staffing the desk, etc. I wanted to laugh at the audacity of this person. Apparently they are on a mission to make us all put that information on our websites so that we aren't confusing the patrons. I mean, we wouldn't want our students being confused about who working in a library is actually a librarian, now would we? And lets insult the people who've been providing reference services for 10 years by telling them that they aren't good enough or smart enough, just because they don't have their MLS. Get over yourself and pay attention to your own library!

Back to the actual rant at hand - the students we currently have now (not in my department) aren't capable of handling any situation on their own, let alone staff an information desk. And what are the odds that I'll be able to find those "great" students who could actually be trained and trusted to provide high quality service? I'm not ready to deal with this and really don't think this is the time for us. I've got enough staffing issues on my plate not to add this to the discussion.

Motivation: Maybe this should be Lack of Motivation instead. I'm seriously struggling to find any passion for what I do right now. I look at my list of things to cover and I simply frown. Not because I'm worried about whether I can or cannot do them, but because I honestly don't care whether they get done or not. I need to refocus and hopefully I will find something I care about soon. I need a boost to my morale and also a kick in my butt from someone or something to make me actually want to do something...anything.