Day 212: 4/10/12 - "Better"

"I don't want to care

And I don't want to hate

And I don't want to see you fall too far away

All because of fear

'Cause when you're afraid

You lash out at me

When you say all the things that you never meant to say

And try to break me..."

-"Better" by Plumb

Bake Me: I finished all of the cookies tonight and pretty quickly!  I was able to bake while I monitored chat and tonight was quiet so no interruptions.  I did the chocolate chip, the M&M, and the chocolate with white chips in about 2 hours.  I really need a stove with two racks!  I would be done twice as fast if I had that!  But alas, I only have one.  The chocolate cookies were a new recipe for me and I think they came out better than they have in the past.  I had a little trouble with the M&M (they browned too quickly on the bottom and not quickly enough on the top).  Hopefully they will be eaten tomorrow!

M&M cookies

Chocolate Chip cookies

Chocolate with white chips

Cookie stacks!

Family History: I finally found what I think is the answer to a family history mystery!  My father was told that our last name wasn't supposed to be Bright, but Wiggins instead.  I couldn't find anything in the census to back this up and I really needed the death certificate of my great grandfather Charlie Bright.  I found that tonight by going through the death certificates for the year he died one by one.  He was listed as Chollie Brite (phonics!) and his father was listed as Nathan Bright.  His mother was Georgia Wiggins.  So I first thought that dad was wrong and we really were Brights, but when I went a little deeper, I found the marriage of Nathan Bright and Georgia Austin.  This leads me to believe that Georgia was married to someone with the last name of Wiggins and that this man may have died.  So my last name is likely supposed to be Wiggins, but Nathan Bright adopted Charlie (which is what we've been told).  So, both names appear to be correct, but it appears that we are not biologically related to the Bright family (so other Brights in Franklin Co., Lincoln Co., and Bedford Co., are likely not really our relatives).  I'll keep digging - I really wish I could find a death certificate for Nathan or Georgia because the census has been no help.  I did find a Nath J. Bright in the 1880 census in Franklin County, but he is not in his own home (though he is marked as being Married).  This is getting both tougher and better every time I find something new!

Day 205: 4/3/12 - "You"

"I'll never try, I'll never die

I'll never push for you people

I'll tell you how I feel

I'll never lie, I'll never cry

I'll never try for you people

I'll tell you, yes it's real..."

-"You" by Candlebox 

Histories Tragedies: I've been taking advantage of the free Ancestry.com time to do some more family research and what I've discovered is that history makes me sad.  I've found out that some of my relatives died from diseases that were preventable, or at least unexpected for them to suffer from: Typhoid fever, tuberculosis, pneumonia, and the kicker: two young girls in one family died 3 years apart from complications related to childbirth (though their death certificates say from incomplete abortions).  No more information about them, but the horrors of losing one child, let alone two, to similar issues is scary.  But what's even scarier are the ideas floating in my head about what happened to those two girls.  What are the odds that two young women in the same family wind up pregnant early in life (16 and 14 at their deaths).  Usually you have to start looking around the household when that happens twice (of course, these were different times, but still, I find this very suspicious).  Neither of those girls deserved to die at such early ages.  Life was tough, but it was made tougher by their situations.  The 14 year old was still in school when she died...

Day 164: 2/22/12 - "I Can't Make You Love Me"

"Turn down the lights

Turn down the bed

Turn down these voices

Inside my Head

Lay down with me

Tell me no lies

Just hold me close

Don't patronize

Don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me,

If you don't...."

- "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt

Sinus Headache, Go Away...Really, I'm at my wit's end with these sinus issues!  The mold is still high, so I'm still sneezing, coughing, and having the worst headaches I have had in a while.  I'm trying to shake these without medicine, since the medicine seemed to interact badly with my thyroid medication.  But I know I need to get rid of the headache as soon as possible, so I may have to cave and try it again.

1940 Census: I was reminded tonight that the 1940 census will be available free online on April 2nd!  I'm very excited about this for many reason, but mostly because this will be the first year that I can see my father in the census!  He was born in 1939 so he should be the baby in the house.  I'm curious to see what the rest of the household looked like and maybe get a few more clues about his family.  I'm also curious to see if my mother's family will show up as I've had trouble tracing them.  It would be good to see if my grandparents were married yet and whether my grandmother's first born (Aunt Goddie) is there.

Day 52: 11/2/11 - "Me"

"I am carrying my voice

I am carrying my heart

I am carrying my rhythm

I am carrying my prayers

And it's me who is my enemy

Me who beats me up

Me who makes the monsters

Me who strips my confidence

And it's me who's too weak

And it's me who's too shy

To ask for the thing I love

And it's me who's too weak

And it's me who's too shy

To ask for the thing I love...

I am walking on the bridge

I am over the water and I'm scared as hell

But I know there's something better

Yes, I know, yes, I know, yes, I know....

...But it's me..." 

Did I take your favorite toy when I was young?  I mean really, what did I do to make the Universe be so pissed off at me?  Did someone paint a "kick me" sign on my aura and then send out the hounds?  There is no way I can succeed with the roadblocks being placed in front of me.  So I guess I'm going to have to divert my path and head in another direction.  Because something tells me that if I try to go through the roadblock something is going to get broken, and that something is me. 

Two Down...Two squares to go on my first baby afghan of what I'm calling "baby season 2011-12."  It's kind of nice to be able to see how the squares are going to fit together and I'm feeling more confidant that I'll be able to finish the afghan before the end of next week (which would be a miracle!).

Genealogy: I'm still plugging away with the Franklin County marriage book - I'm making some real dents in getting maiden names for a lot of the younger women in 1900.  This is such a powerful thing for those doing research and trying to make connections.  It's funny how I'm finding it exciting to find information on someone else's family.  Of course I want to see information on my family, but the research is important to me as well.

Day 48: 10/29/11 - "Wish You Were Here"

"The world's a roller coaster

And I am not strapped in..."

- "Wish You Were Here" by Incubus

5.5 Miles: That's how far I ran today...outside...for the first time in months.  I'm hoping it was because my medicine is finally kicking in and giving me back some of my energy.  It could also be because the weather was so much cooler I could actually run without sweating so much that I lost all of my nutrients.  I can never replace them fast enough, especially when I'm running outside.  I actually ran the entire time as well and didn't have to walk at all.  So I'm feeling a little more accomplished than before.  My time wasn't great and I know I likely was only running about 4.5 mph (I used to average 5.5 or higher), but I need to remind myself that I accomplished something today and I should be proud.  My poor knee isn't too happy about it though.  I didn't have any trouble while I was running but it is store and stiff now, so I'll have to give it some TLC.

Genealogy Research: I started doing my genealogy research again today.  It's been a while since I worked on the project and it felt good to get back to the "finding" part of things.  I have the Franklin County Marriage's 1884-1903 book right now and I'm checking it with my 1910 census records.  I hope to check it with a few other times too but that will have to wait to see if I can actually get through 1900 before I have to return the book to the library that it was borrowed from.  I also split time with knitting today, though I know I need to be writing.  I just don't have the motivation right now.  Speaking of motivation...

Motivation: I have none when it comes to work.  I don't understand why even thinking about my job makes me want to curl into a ball and sob.  Not a good feeling to have at all.  I remember the drive I had when I first started.  Is it just the fact that my hormones are out of whack right now?  Or is it something else?  Am I blinding myself to some important truth while I try to find a way to encourage myself to keep working?  Who is this person who feels like a complete waste of space?