Day 195: 3/24/12 - "Same Mistakes"

"I know I’ve hurt you, I know I’ve let you down.
When you needed me I was not around
And I’m sorry for my selfish ways
Please forgive the same mistakes..."

-"Same Mistakes" by The Black Lillies

Seeing Friends - Seeing Enemies: Today was supposed to be a day of complete fun and joy but because its me, of course that didn't happen.  I did get to see some friends today, which was good.  I don't get to spend much time with people that I consider to be true friends, so when it does happen I try to savor it.  It was especially good to see my friend Trisha!  I hopped over to the Monnalisa to listen to her band, The Black Lillies, play.  They held it down in a club full of people who weren't necessarily there for the music.  I could even see a few people who were clearly there to just enjoy the drinking and the atmosphere, tapping their feet and nodding their heads.  The Black Lillies definitely have a sound that I like - and I was pleasantly surprised to hear the bluesy tones coming through.  I'll be downloading some of their music as soon as I get home!  The enemies part of this conversation include myself.  I am my own worst enemy and I need to work on being more supportive to myself.  But there are also a couple of other people in my life who I think of as enemies.  I'm doing my best to push them out because I refuse to have them bring me any lower than I already am.  If your only goal when you are with me or planning to be with me is to try to change me because I don't do "fun" stuff, then move on.  The stuff you see as fun, I see as stupid and immature.

More on the Black Lillies: I was not surprised that I like the Black Lillies - country music speaks clearly to me.  But I was surprised that there were so many songs that I had not heard that spoke so clearly to how I was feeling tonight (and many other nights).  As I listened to some of the words, I could feel emotions rising in me, tears coming to my eyes, as the words hit home.  Music makes me realize just how much I'm not seeing of the world around me.

I Quit: So, I'm standing in a bar that is essentially a club.  I'm wearing a nice dress.  I'm obviously alone.  And the only person who talks to me is another woman, who first complimented me on my dress, and then said that it was a shame that I was by myself.  She then asked me if I liked men or women.  I replied, men - unfortunately.  Why unfortunately?  Because tonight it became even clearer to me that I might be interested in men, but they aren't interested in me.  Doesn't that just leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Day 175: 3/4/12 - "Dreaming with a Broken Heart"

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe"

-"Dreaming with a Broken Heart" by John Mayer

When Lyrics Attack...Sometimes songs just hit you where it hurts the most.  That is what happened to be twice last night and Dreaming with a Broken Heart is the one that brought tears to my eyes as I was out walking.  As I've mentioned before, it's not always the entire song that catches me.  It's often just a line or two that resonate with me.  How true it is when you wake up and you literally feel as if you can't breathe for those first few moments.  The rest of the day tends to drag along after that.

Hair Today...I'm again contemplating cutting my hair.  After trying to finish cleaning up the apartment, I also realized that I needed to wash my hair...and I knew I didn't have the time to not only wash it, but also put it back up.  So I ended up delaying the washing until tomorrow since I only had the energy to braid it up quickly.  Some hair days are scarier than others!

Day 154: 2/12/12 - "Walk"

"I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough?
Where do I begin?"

-"Walk" by The Foo Fighters

Practice, Practice: I've been having so much trouble with the muffins I've made lately actually coming out of their paper wrappers, that I decided to bake some today to try them out.  I actually made 3 kinds and at first taste, they all seem pretty good, though I think I let the lemon poppy-seed ones bake a little too long.  I'll be able to fix that next time since I tried baking all 3 types at the same time to save time - bad idea when they need to bake at different degrees.  The chocolate with chocolate chip were pretty good and the banana nut were very tasty!  I hope they are liked when I make them for the presentation next week.

Chocolate, Chocolate-Chip Muffins

chocolate - chocolate chip

1 3/4 cups flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
2 tbsp cocoa
3/4 cup sugar
3/4 cup chocolate chips
1 cup skim milk
1/3 + 2tsp olive oil
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla

Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees and line muffin tin with paper (or spray).  Combine the dry ingredients and 1/2 of the chocolate chips in a large bowl and set aside.  In another bowl, combine the wet ingredients together.  Mix the wet and the dry, just until combined - the batter will be lumpy.  Spoon batter into prepared tin and spring remaining chocolate chips on top.  Bake for about 20 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean.

Lemon Poppyseed Muffins

lemon poppyseed

1 3/4 cups all purpose flour
3/4 cup sugar
2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1 egg, lightly beaten
3/4 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted
1 tbsp poppy seeds
1 tsp lemon zest

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and line muffin tin with paper (or spray).  Stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in a large bowl.  Whisk the egg, buttermilk, and lemon juice in another bowl.  Make a well in the flour mixture and pour the buttermilk mixture into the well.  Add the melted butter and with a spatula, blend with quick strokes, being careful not to over mix.  Gently stir in the poppy seeds and the lemon zest.  Spoon batter into prepared tins and bake for 20 to 22 minutes.

Banana Nut Muffins

banana nut

2 cups flour
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
4 overripe bananas
1 cup brown sugar
3/4 cup butter, melted and cooled
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup pecans, chopped

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees and line muffin tin with paper (or spray).  Combine the flour, baking soda and salt and set aside.  Mash 2 of the bananas with a fork in a small bowl.  With a mixer, whip the remaining bananas and sugar for 3 minutes.  Add the melted butter, eggs, and vanilla and beat well.  Mix in the dry ingredients.  Fold in the nuts and the mashed bananas with a rubber spatula.  Spoon into prepared tins and bake for 18 to 20 minutes.

Watching the Grammy's: The Grammy's have been a bit overshadowed tonight by the death of Whitney Houston, but I think they've done well to pay their respects.  Jennifer Hudson's tribute was beyond beautiful (and saddened me to the point of crying).  I also found there were some interesting performances and also some things I really didn't want to see.  I know I could do without Chris Brown being celebrated over and over again.  And who is this Dead Mouse person?  What's with the headgear?  Oh well, they are making bank and I'm still on the day to day.  Loved hearing Adele again and glad her voice is stronger than ever.  Hope she continues doing well.  But what the hell is this production thing that Nicki Minaj is doing?  I know what performance art is and I see it mixed more with music (Lady Gaga) but seriously, can we just get the music?  I really don't care if she can act or act crazy (same thing?).  I'm not a fan of Lady Gaga or Nicki Minaj...I think I see why now...

Crying: I cry more easily these days and I'm just now starting to understand why.  I hope I can keep it together in the future, but for some reason my emotions, both good and bad, now swing almost violently from one area to the next.  I anger more easily (usually at myself) and my level of frustration with myself is almost overbearing.  My sadness swamps me at the oddest moments, when I least expect to be feeling that way.  I'm having fewer moments of spontaneous happiness and what I sense as humorous tends to be more sarcastic than normal.  I'll keep an eye on this as best I can but I suspect this is just the way my life will be from now on.

Day 120: 1/9/12 - "I'm Your Baby Tonight"

"Now it's like I'm fatal, 

It's all on the table
And baby you hold the cards, 

and You got the magic
And I gotta have it, 

I don't want the pieces
I want every single part, 

I'll be your angel
I'm ready and able, 

Whatever you want is fine
Whenever you're ready, 

just call on your lady
I'll be your baby tonight"

-"I'm Your Baby Tonight" by Whitney Houston

So Whitney: There are just days when I get Whitney Houston songs stuck in my head and today was one of those.  First it was I'm Your Baby Tonight, and then it was So Emotional.  Then all of a sudden I've got Where Do Broken Hearts Go followed by My Name is Not Susan.  I miss the old Whitney - you know, the one who was not strung out or married to a crazy man.  I hate that someone with such a pure talent could waste it all the way she has.  I still love to hear her sing and some of her earlier stuff is still the best out there.

Sleepy!  I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open past 10:00 pm these days!  Today is no exception, and I'm trying to finish this post while watching the end of the BCS championship game (though it looks like a one-sided affair with the Crimson Tide rolling over LSU).  I'm trying to track these sleepy spells that have started to hit me - I have to be careful as this could be a sign that my medication for my thyroid hormones isn't working correctly.  Or it could just mean I'm tired. :-)