Day 195: 3/24/12 - "Same Mistakes"

"I know I’ve hurt you, I know I’ve let you down.
When you needed me I was not around
And I’m sorry for my selfish ways
Please forgive the same mistakes..."

-"Same Mistakes" by The Black Lillies

Seeing Friends - Seeing Enemies: Today was supposed to be a day of complete fun and joy but because its me, of course that didn't happen.  I did get to see some friends today, which was good.  I don't get to spend much time with people that I consider to be true friends, so when it does happen I try to savor it.  It was especially good to see my friend Trisha!  I hopped over to the Monnalisa to listen to her band, The Black Lillies, play.  They held it down in a club full of people who weren't necessarily there for the music.  I could even see a few people who were clearly there to just enjoy the drinking and the atmosphere, tapping their feet and nodding their heads.  The Black Lillies definitely have a sound that I like - and I was pleasantly surprised to hear the bluesy tones coming through.  I'll be downloading some of their music as soon as I get home!  The enemies part of this conversation include myself.  I am my own worst enemy and I need to work on being more supportive to myself.  But there are also a couple of other people in my life who I think of as enemies.  I'm doing my best to push them out because I refuse to have them bring me any lower than I already am.  If your only goal when you are with me or planning to be with me is to try to change me because I don't do "fun" stuff, then move on.  The stuff you see as fun, I see as stupid and immature.

More on the Black Lillies: I was not surprised that I like the Black Lillies - country music speaks clearly to me.  But I was surprised that there were so many songs that I had not heard that spoke so clearly to how I was feeling tonight (and many other nights).  As I listened to some of the words, I could feel emotions rising in me, tears coming to my eyes, as the words hit home.  Music makes me realize just how much I'm not seeing of the world around me.

I Quit: So, I'm standing in a bar that is essentially a club.  I'm wearing a nice dress.  I'm obviously alone.  And the only person who talks to me is another woman, who first complimented me on my dress, and then said that it was a shame that I was by myself.  She then asked me if I liked men or women.  I replied, men - unfortunately.  Why unfortunately?  Because tonight it became even clearer to me that I might be interested in men, but they aren't interested in me.  Doesn't that just leave a bad taste in your mouth?