Day 265: 6/2/12 - "White Flag"

"I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be..."

-"White Flag" by Dido

So Sad: There are days when I look at my life and realized just how empty it is sometimes.  Today was one of those days.  I wanted to get up and go do something but I didn't have anyone to call and I didn't want to go out by myself.  I've gone through periods of time where I don't care if I'm alone when I go out to eat, or go to the movies.  But today I knew I would be too self-conscious to do that.  I'd think about people staring at me and feeling sorry for the girl who has to eat alone, watch a movie alone, be alone.  Yes, this reeks of paranoia and is not logical, but it is how I would feel and I know I wouldn't enjoy the food, the movie, or even just the time.  So I stay home instead and  feel sorry for myself instead of dealing with people feeling sorry for me.  Ironic, huh?

Day 244: 5/12/12 - "Bottle It Up"

"Only thing I ever could need, only one good thing
Worth trying to be and it's

Love

I do it for Love..."

-"Bottle It Up" by Sara Bareilles

Better Late Than Never: I've always known that my father loved my mother with all of his heart, but my father isn't known for his emotional intelligence or for being able to talk about his emotions.  He tells me he loves me without any trouble - I'm his daughter and that makes sense to him. But in all the time he was with my mom, he never said those words to her.  They've been on again, off again for some time now and lately they are back on again...that's another story.  This story is about the phone call I got tonight where my mom asked me very cryptically what I thought my father had just said to her.  I said I didn't have a clue.  She said she had asked him why the hell he had put up with her all of these years.  His response?  "Because I love your ass, that's why."  Not eloquent or sweet, but definitely overdue and just like my dad.  Definitely better late than never, and I hope I find someone some day that says the same thing to me...even if not in so many words.  Good luck mom and dad, I love you both.

Dreading Tomorrow: Though I love my mother very much and hope she has a wonderful day tomorrow, I'm also dreading the day as I have for the last 10 years or so.  I try not to go anywhere public because people insist on saying Happy Mother's Day to me, though I have no children.  It makes me sad because I want children and always thought I would have at least one child by now.  It's another holiday where I'm reminded that I'm alone and just how much I've failed at my own life goals.  I know in my heart that never being a mother does not make me less of a woman, but I can't help feeling that way.  I wish others would understand that and refrain from breaking my heat with their words...

Day 196: 3/25/12 - "Lonely"

"Do you know what it's like to be lonely?

Do you know what it's like to be blue?

Oh, everyone knows, that's the way it goes

Do you know what it's like to be lonely?"

-"Lonely" by The Black Lillies

Ramifications: Yesterday took its toll.  People ask me why I don't do more - go out, try to have fun, meet people, etc.  Because when I try, all I do is fail in my efforts.  Then I wind up more sad than when I started out.  That is where I'm at today.  I woke up so sad this morning and only got out of bed because I was at the stupid hotel and had to check out.  Some days I wish I could just disappear...go somewhere and just hide away from the world.  Maybe then I would find peace.

Day 195: 3/24/12 - "Same Mistakes"

"I know I’ve hurt you, I know I’ve let you down.
When you needed me I was not around
And I’m sorry for my selfish ways
Please forgive the same mistakes..."

-"Same Mistakes" by The Black Lillies

Seeing Friends - Seeing Enemies: Today was supposed to be a day of complete fun and joy but because its me, of course that didn't happen.  I did get to see some friends today, which was good.  I don't get to spend much time with people that I consider to be true friends, so when it does happen I try to savor it.  It was especially good to see my friend Trisha!  I hopped over to the Monnalisa to listen to her band, The Black Lillies, play.  They held it down in a club full of people who weren't necessarily there for the music.  I could even see a few people who were clearly there to just enjoy the drinking and the atmosphere, tapping their feet and nodding their heads.  The Black Lillies definitely have a sound that I like - and I was pleasantly surprised to hear the bluesy tones coming through.  I'll be downloading some of their music as soon as I get home!  The enemies part of this conversation include myself.  I am my own worst enemy and I need to work on being more supportive to myself.  But there are also a couple of other people in my life who I think of as enemies.  I'm doing my best to push them out because I refuse to have them bring me any lower than I already am.  If your only goal when you are with me or planning to be with me is to try to change me because I don't do "fun" stuff, then move on.  The stuff you see as fun, I see as stupid and immature.

More on the Black Lillies: I was not surprised that I like the Black Lillies - country music speaks clearly to me.  But I was surprised that there were so many songs that I had not heard that spoke so clearly to how I was feeling tonight (and many other nights).  As I listened to some of the words, I could feel emotions rising in me, tears coming to my eyes, as the words hit home.  Music makes me realize just how much I'm not seeing of the world around me.

I Quit: So, I'm standing in a bar that is essentially a club.  I'm wearing a nice dress.  I'm obviously alone.  And the only person who talks to me is another woman, who first complimented me on my dress, and then said that it was a shame that I was by myself.  She then asked me if I liked men or women.  I replied, men - unfortunately.  Why unfortunately?  Because tonight it became even clearer to me that I might be interested in men, but they aren't interested in me.  Doesn't that just leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Day 88: 12/08/11 - "Happy"

"Someone once told me that you have to choose

What you win or lose

You can't have everything

Don't you take chances

Might feel the pain

Don't you love in vain

Cause love won't set you free

I can't stand by the side

And watch this life pass me by

So unhappy

But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

Don't care about all the pain in front of me

Cause I'm just trying to be happy, yeah

Just wanna be happy, yeah

Just can't let it go

Just trying to play my role

Slowly disappear, oh

But all these days, they feel like they're the same

Just different faces, different names

Get me out of here

I can't stand by your side, oh no

And watch this life pass me by, pass me by"

-"Happy" by Leona Lewis

More Work: I found out today that a proposal for a roundtable that I co-submitted with someone was accepted to the First Year Experience Conference.  On the one hand, I'm happy about this because it always feels good to be accepted.  On the other hand I'm kicking myself because of the extra work this is going to mean for me, and right after the Midwinter conference.  The only good news is that the conference is taking place in San Antonio, so I don't have to go anywhere, other than downtown, to attend.  The registration is so expensive that this is a blessing - no way could I also afford to cover my airfare and housing.  I'll have 4 conferences by the time this year is out.

Odd Bonding: So apparently a group of us are going to the mall to get our ears pierced tomorrow.  I know this sounds strange but in one way it will be like an exercise in librarian bonding.  Plus, I've always intended to get my upper ear pierced and never got around to it.  I'll be curious to see which one of us goes first and who backs out.  Hope it doesn't cost too much - if it does, it will be my Christmas present to myself.

No Chance: I figured out that the reason I'm so unlucky in love is that I really don't have a chance to begin with.  You have to be able to catch someone's eye in a positive way to begin with, to later have a chance of something more meaningful.  I catch the eye of lots of people but only because they are staring at me because of my height (or who knows the other reason).  No ones looking at ME.  Not sure how to get people to do that but I hope I figure it out one day.

Day 87: 12/07/11 - "All My Friends"

"Thought I might get a rocket ride

When I was a child but it was a lie

That I told myself when I needed something good

At seventeen, had a better dream.

Now I'm thirty-three and it isn't me

But I'd think of something better if I could

All you want is a beauty queen

Not a superstar but everybody's dream machine

All you want is a place to lay your head

You go to sleep dreaming how you would

Be a different kind if you thought you could

But you come awake the way you are instead"

-"All My Friends" by the Counting Crows

Pet Peeves: Okay, I know I've talked about different pet peeves before but I have a new one.  I can't stand it when people are too lazy to return the shopping carts to the carrels.  It's even worse when they don't put them back and the carrel is RIGHT THERE!  Want to add insult to injury?  How about leaving the cart behind someone else's car!  That's what happened tonight while I was at Wal-Mart.  I came out and right behind my car was a shopping cart. Where was the carrel?  Right in front of my car!  I almost had a conniption fit!

Necessary but Painful: I hate getting tests done, especially invasive ones, but today I experienced one that was truly painful.  All my ladies who have experienced a mammogram will know what I mean.  It was my first one and I know they are necessary, but I really wish they could find a better way.  The pain is definitely not fun and no matter who you are, it is just not a comfortable test to have done emotionally either.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for good news from all of my tests (or at least a reason for the weird symptoms).

Wanted - Boyfriend: I'm starting to think I should just put an ad out there somewhere and recruit one.  Why not?  We recruit for jobs and apparently spending time with me would be rather like a chore (or so I've been told), so maybe I should treat it like a job?  But what do you offer for this position?  What would make it an attractive position for someone to have?  I'll have to think about this further - I'm pretty sure a salary would be expected and that sounds downright illegal.  Plus, what would I do if no one applied?

Day 63: 11/13/11 - "Here Comes Goodbye"

"Here comes goodbye,

Here comes the last time

Here comes the start of every sleepless night

The first of every tear I'm gonna cry

Here comes the pain..."

-"Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts

Scary Movies: I don't usually watch scary movies (by scary I mean horror films.  I don't mind suspenseful films though), but today I decided to watch The Mist because I'm a Stephen King fan.  I should have known right away that it was a bad idea and I'm likely destined to have horrible dreams tonight because of the scary scenes in the movie.  But I do want to point out that the ending was not a surprise to me.  I won't spoil it for anyone who has not seen it.  But I will say that the cover of the DVD claiming that it was "one of the most shocking movie endings ever!" needs to go back to the drawing board.  The Sixth Sense had a shocking ending - this one was exactly what I expected.

Speaking of Dreams: I had an odd one last night.  I was a cop (yeah, right) and I was back in T-Town where I was supposed to be arresting my best friend from high school (the one I haven't seen in almost 15 years now).  The reunion part of the dream was great - I do miss my friend and it would be great to see them again.  But then, I decided to try to hid him from the cops (not my style), and for some reason they were willing to trust me with some cockeyed plan of escape.  Here is my suggestion to anyone who ever finds themselves in a similar situation.  Even if you are innocent (in my dream they were), you still have to go through the process and you have to trust the process.  I do find that hard to say, especially after finishing reading Zeitoun, but it is still a necessary part of life in America.

What Have You Done For Me Lately?  Absolutely nothing.  I got nothing accomplished today and I find myself feeling more and more guilty about my inability to be productive.  I don't feel right.  I find myself struggling to breath sometimes (it's all in my head), and then I find myself so tired I just want to lay down and sleep.  And then there are the headaches that seem to ebb and flow with the passing hours.  Add that to the temperature fluctuations (one minute I'm cold, the next I'm sweating), and you've got a recipe for disaster.


Speaking of Recipes....Cinnamon Rolls: I decided I wanted to make cinnamon rolls today and though they aren't the best thing I've ever baked, I at least feel good about the fact that they rose (I used yeast).  Usually when I bake with yeast, it's a crap shoot - I never know if the dough will rise or not. Today it rose both times.  The only problem with the final product was that they were too bland.  They definitely needed more sugar (and I could definitely throw some icing on them) but overall they weren't bad.

Day 59: 11/9/11 - "In Your Eyes"

"love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are"

- "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel

Stranger in a Strange Land: I'm in Atlanta for the Access Services Conference and I went to the "reception" that they had tonight.  This is the first time since my very first conference that I can remember being in a room with other librarians and not knowing another single soul.  I didn't stay at the reception, I didn't feel welcome there.  I trudged back to my hotel in the rain and decided to do some work until my ever-present headache intensified to the point of blinding pain.  So now I'm typing my post as quickly as I can so that I can get off of this computer and rest.  No chance that I'll be going to very many of the sessions they offer - I don't see anything that would truly interest me.

Alone...Such a small word that carries so much weight in my heart and mind right now.  I'm feeling it even more now that I'm out of Texas and reminded that no matter where I go, I am still alone.

Set Up to Fail:  If you don't know what this feels like, congratulations to you.  It's a horrible feeling knowing that you are being set up to fail and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it except hope that you can surprise them and actually do what they think you can't.  That's what I'm trying to do right now - wish me luck.

Day 27: 10/8/11 - "Only Love"

"Who built the ball that is this Earth

Gave me life.

Water for my thirst.."

-"Only Love" by the Counting Crows

Loneliness: Today was another one of those days where I woke up blanketed in the loneliness that has become my life.  I knew it as I dreamed and I felt it as I tried to force myself to get out of bed to go to the fitness center.  I struggled even with that because one thing I've learned is, that if the body is not willing, the mind needs to be.  But if the mind is not willing, the body definitely isn't going to be.  I made it there and managed to do 60 minutes of cardio...though I don't know why I bother any more.

No Match: Yesterday was the final day of my free subscription on Match.com.  I officially tried for a year and had absolutely no success.  I knew those last 17 days weren't going to be any different, but since they were free I figured it couldn't hurt.  Instead of match.com they should call themselves, anyone but me, because that was precisely what the men on there were looking for...anyone but me.

Red River Rivalry: The one good thing out of today was that the Sooners beat the stuffing out of Texas!  I was very surprised that Texas absolutely did not show up for this game.  The Sooners were dominant on both offense and defense and it was good to see.  Now I just hope they can maintain things as they go along.  Now I'm watching the Rangers to see if they can take game 1 of the of the ALCS. 

Knitting: I finally picked up my knitting again and managed to do about 10 rows.  It's been tough going for me these last few weeks as I have been unable to find the motivation to work on my knitting.  Hopefully I will finish the scarf soon since I also need to work on the 3 baby blankets that I've promised people.  Hard to believe so much time has passed.

It's time to admit that I'm lost....Who will find me?

Day 21: 10/2/11 - "Be Yourself"

"Yeah and to be yourself is all that you can do
Hey, to be yourself is all that you can do"

-"Be Yourself" by Audioslave

Vivid Dreams: For the second night in a row I awoke from a vivid dream with another person with a name that I was supposed to remember. This time I was apparently working in a club (yeah, I know - in what reality would that ever be true?) and I remember the outfit that I was wearing so well that I had to draw it out. I also remember that I worked with/for someone named Patty and that he was known as a hugger (but he had a beard that even in my dream was scratchy). When I couldn't shake the memory or the outfit, I drew it out. Since I don't sew, I have no doubt that I won't be making it at any point in my life, but it felt good to put it down on a paper. It's been a while since I've done any clothing design. I was so inspired that I finally drew the wedding dress that I designed for a character in a book. Maybe one day I'll find the time and the ability to create both outfits.

How to Waste a Day: I discovered how easy it is to waste a day by doing the very things you are supposed to do. Here is the rundown:

6:45 am: woke up and took medicine - went back to sleep
8:30 am: woke up for real.
9:00 am: walked over to the grocery store to buy a newspaper
10:00 am: made and ate breakfast
10:20 am: clip and sort coupons, create shopping list.
11:30 am: head to the store
2:00 pm: finally arrive home from shopping
3:30 pm: started cooking
7:30 pm: finished cooking
8:00 pm: washed hair
9:00 pm: cleaned kitchen
11:00 pm: write blog

Not much time to do anything else, but left wondering how did the day go by so fast? I have no clue, but I feel as if I didn't accomplish much, other than cooking. Here is what I managed to make today:

Mushroom & Green Pepper Pizza with Corn Meal & Whole Wheat Crust

Vegetable Rolls

Chicken & Sausage Gumbo

Indian Mango Dal

The house smells slightly odd now because of the mixture of aromas. A little like Indian food and a little like New Orleans food. Haven't tasted the Mango Dal yet - I was too full to eat it by the time it was done. The pizza wasn't too bad. I tasted the stock of the gumbo but haven't eaten a whole bite yet. For those who don't know, I don't like okra, so eating gumbo is not something I normally do, and making gumbo is definitely a first!

Loneliness: It's funny how when you are already feeling down, you only see the things that remind you of just how alone you really are (even though there are likely other things out there that would show you that you aren't the only one). Take today, for instance. As I shopped I noticed how most others were there with someone else (husband, wife, children, etc.). While I struggled with my full basket, they had an extra set of hands to help them push. While I got frustrated when I had to backtrack to another aisle because I had forgotten something, they could send someone to get it so that they could continue with their shopping. While I struggled to bring everything up a flight of stairs and unpack it all, they likely went home and had their family to help them. Then, while perusing Facebook, I see that not one, but two of my FB friends has posted an ultrasound. If that doesn't hit you like a slap in the face, I don't know what would. Now I have to hope that I can go to sleep and not dream as vividly as I have the last two nights. These dreams are actually good - which means they hurt when I wake up and the people who were there in them aren't here with me, and I'm still alone.

Day 20: 10/1/11 - "Party Up"

"Ya'll gon' make me lose my mind
Up in here, up in here.
Ya'll gon' make me go all out
Up in here, up in here.
Ya'll gon' make me act a fool
Up in here, up in here.
Ya'll gon' make me lose my cool
Up in here, up in here."

-"Party Up" by DMX

Dreams & Names: Cordova Zafaralla - this is the name of the person I dreamed about last night. As I've mentioned before, I often remember my dreams but they tend not to make much sense, nor do they usually offer me any epiphanies. But the dream I had last night did lead me to realize something very important about what I'm missing most in my life - a real hug. I don't mean the hugs I get from my family (though I miss those and need those too) or from friends. These are important but not what I mean. I'm talking about the hugs that are offered and given by someone who loves you and just knows that you need one of those hugs that may last longer than just a normal hug. I've never had one of those hugs but I hope to have one some day. This is the hug I got from Cordova Zafaralla in my dream. I even remember what he looks like - very odd to have a name and a face to go with my dream. Is he real? Not likely - I mean, check out that name? But he'll likely become a character in one of my books - maybe I'll finish his story since he came to me in a dream. I already call him Cord for short.

Jury Duty: I got my summons in the mail today - oh joy! At least my date is on a Wednesday so I'll hopefully not miss a class day with my students. Unlike the time I was called in North Carolina and didn't have to go (they had you call the night before to find out if you needed to come in, and I didn't have to), this time it looks like I'll have to show up. I wonder if I'll even get picked? Who knows! It should be an interesting experience and one that I'll very likely blog about at some point.

College Football Collapses: So this week as I watched college football I saw two teams have major collapses in games and I'm wondering how it happens? Both Utah State and Texas A&M had leads in their games and only needed to keep playing the same way, but both allowed teams to come back on them and were unable to find any of their previous magic. It was painful to watch even for someone who wasn't cheering directly for any of the teams in the match ups. You want to see a good game, not watch a train wreck happen.

Alone: When are certain people going to realize that I'm all alone out here? That I'm trying to take care of myself and help them at the same time with no one else to help me? Why do they insist on doing things that are selfish, that hurt me and them, rather than thinking about ways to help me (or even help themselves)? It's like talking to a brick wall - a complete waste of my time and there is no chance the damn wall is ever going to respond the way I want it to. So I don't bother - I just smile and laugh and pretend like it doesn't matter, while inside I feel myself slowly fading away.