Day 273: 6/10/12 - "Once"

"Ooh, once upon a time I could control myself, yeah...
Once upon a time I could lose myself, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Once, upon a time I could love myself, yeah...
Once upon a time I could love you, yeah, yeah, yeah..."

- "Once" by Pearl Jam

Assumptions: In this day and age it drives me crazy that so many people assume so much about me based on the way I look.  I was at the grocery store this morning and this man decided to chat with me as I was leaving.  He wanted me to know that his niece was my height and had played college ball in Buffalo.  He then told me her name as if I would know her personally.  Then he commented that she had chosen not to go to the WNBA and instead and become a nurse (said in a way that told me he clearly didn't understand her decision).  I politely explained to him that I had never played ball, didn't know his niece and thought it was wonderful that she had become a nurse.  It hurts when even family members think that all you need to do, all you are good for when you are a tall black woman is playing basketball.  Open up your eyes, folks!  We have brains and most of us choose to use them - give us a little credit, please!

Good to See You!  I had dinner tonight down on the Riverwalk with some former colleagues from NC State.  It was good to see them all and to get a chance to actually get out of the house for two days in a row.  The Riverwalk was not overly crowded, which was good, but man was it warm down there.  I'm just not cut out for the heat!  I really need to think about moving somewhere that is mostly mild all year.  I would normally say cold, but I can't stand being too cold either!  We at at one of the Mexican restaurants down there and the food was okay - though sitting outside in the heat and trying to fend off the birds that were looking for food didn't make for the best atmosphere.

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Day 254: 5/22/12 - "What Matters"

"It ain't about the money

No, it ain't about the time

It ain't about the love you've lost

All the things you think you left behind

It ain't about your losing streak

Makes you feel like your falling apart

What matters is your heart..."

-"What Matters" by Edwin McCain

I Have Returned:  2 days away weren't enough but they were better than nothing, and it was interesting visiting Miami since I had never been there. I got up early this morning and hit the beach (just to walk around in the sand) and was saddened by the trash I found that someone had just thrown out onto the sand.  It disgusts me that people are so lazy that they don't care about the messes they leave behind for others to clean up!  It was beyond humid while I was out there but the water was nice and cool (now that I realize I have a cold, I probably shouldn't have been out wandering around in the water...).  I then headed over to Einstein Bros. for a quick and healthy breakfast.  I had just stepped back into my hotel room and went to look outside when I saw that it was pouring!  Apparently this is pretty common in Miami but it was a surprise for me.  I was one minute from getting completely soaked!

A cloudy morning in Miami...

Toes and rolled up pants, awaiting water...

There's the water!

Here it comes again!

I Want My Mommy:  And some chicken noodle soup.  I starting feeling a little icky last night and sure enough by the time I got home tonight I was coughing and sneezing with the best of them.  Off to bed in hopes of feeling better tomorrow.  I suspect that I'll get worse before I get better though.  Hope I don't develop a fever - can't ban myself from work when I'm so short-handed.

Wishing I Could Help:  I have a friend going through a really tough time right now and it's one that he just does not understand (I actually agree with him - it doesn't make sense to me either).  I just hope things start to improve for him soon - he deserves so much more than what he is getting (many people do).  It always bothers me that someone like him, who is such a nice guy and hardworking, and nice looking, gets mistreated by someone who just doesn't appreciate him or what she has.  And I can't even get a guy like him to consider me - though I'd be counting my blessings every day if I had him in my life in that way.  But at least I have his friendship and hopefully I can help him through this tough time.  I don't know how but if he does need me, he only has to call...

Day 222: 4/20/12 - "Away From the Sun"

It's down to this

I've got to make this life make sense

Can anyone tell what I've done

I miss the life

I miss the colors of the world

Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself

So far down, away from the sun

That shines into the darkest place

I'm so far down, away from the sun again

Away from the sun again

I'm over this

I'm tired of living in the dark

Can anyone see me down here

The feeling's gone

There's nothing left to lift me up

Back into the world I know...

It's down to this

I've got to make this life make sense

And now I can't tell what I've done

'Cause now again I've found myself

So far down, away from the sun

That shines into the darkest place

I'm so far down, away from the sun

That shines to light the way for me

To find my way back into the arms

That care about the ones like me

I'm so far down, away from the sun again"

-"Away From the Sun" by 3 Doors Down

The Things That Don't Make Sense: There are many things about this world that do not make sense to me, but the things that stick out the most are the ones that are also senseless.  What do I mean by senseless?  When people do things that they did not have to do, knowing full well that they should not do them.  Don't get me wrong - I've been a perpetrator of senseless acts before, but the only person hurt by them was me.  When other people do senseless things that hurt other people, then they have entered a realm of selfishness and stupidity that just cannot be explained, but must be endured by the ones who have been victimized.  I don't think that our world has to be rid of senseless acts.  But I do think it would be much better if the only senseless acts that happened were ones that only hurt the person stupid enough to do them.

When Friends Crochet: I received a beautiful blanket from one of my library world friends today and I was nearly overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of her gesture.  You could see that she put a lot of work into the blanket and it's so big that it actually fits me!  I hope she knows that she is now on my knit list (the list of people in line to get something homemade from me.  The list is pretty long but I'm sure I'll get to everyone before 2015!  Here are pictures of the blanket.  Just my size!

Day 195: 3/24/12 - "Same Mistakes"

"I know I’ve hurt you, I know I’ve let you down.
When you needed me I was not around
And I’m sorry for my selfish ways
Please forgive the same mistakes..."

-"Same Mistakes" by The Black Lillies

Seeing Friends - Seeing Enemies: Today was supposed to be a day of complete fun and joy but because its me, of course that didn't happen.  I did get to see some friends today, which was good.  I don't get to spend much time with people that I consider to be true friends, so when it does happen I try to savor it.  It was especially good to see my friend Trisha!  I hopped over to the Monnalisa to listen to her band, The Black Lillies, play.  They held it down in a club full of people who weren't necessarily there for the music.  I could even see a few people who were clearly there to just enjoy the drinking and the atmosphere, tapping their feet and nodding their heads.  The Black Lillies definitely have a sound that I like - and I was pleasantly surprised to hear the bluesy tones coming through.  I'll be downloading some of their music as soon as I get home!  The enemies part of this conversation include myself.  I am my own worst enemy and I need to work on being more supportive to myself.  But there are also a couple of other people in my life who I think of as enemies.  I'm doing my best to push them out because I refuse to have them bring me any lower than I already am.  If your only goal when you are with me or planning to be with me is to try to change me because I don't do "fun" stuff, then move on.  The stuff you see as fun, I see as stupid and immature.

More on the Black Lillies: I was not surprised that I like the Black Lillies - country music speaks clearly to me.  But I was surprised that there were so many songs that I had not heard that spoke so clearly to how I was feeling tonight (and many other nights).  As I listened to some of the words, I could feel emotions rising in me, tears coming to my eyes, as the words hit home.  Music makes me realize just how much I'm not seeing of the world around me.

I Quit: So, I'm standing in a bar that is essentially a club.  I'm wearing a nice dress.  I'm obviously alone.  And the only person who talks to me is another woman, who first complimented me on my dress, and then said that it was a shame that I was by myself.  She then asked me if I liked men or women.  I replied, men - unfortunately.  Why unfortunately?  Because tonight it became even clearer to me that I might be interested in men, but they aren't interested in me.  Doesn't that just leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Day 194: 3/23/12 - "Ghosts of Jackson Square"

"We wish ourselves beautiful

We cry in the night

And it's not the love you fear

But the fall from the heights..."

-"Ghosts of Jackson Square" by Edwin McCain

A Day For Myself: I decided to take Friday off and have a long weekend.  So I headed up to Houston where a lot of my friends were visiting because of a leadership program they are participating in.  The drive itself was fairly uneventful, though once I hit Katy the traffic did pick up and I had to navigate through some pretty bad drivers (but that tends to be the way it is in Texas!).  I actually found the hotel easily enough as well, though when I walked in and said I was checking in, I gave the woman my name and she then asked me "Which hotel?"  And I just looked at her blankly because I was thinking "Do you all do the check in for another hotel as well?"  I finally said "Staybridge" and she said, "Oh, we have people who think this is the Hotel Indigo."  In her defense, they are very close, but really?  The Staybridge and Hotel Indigo look nothing alike!  For those wondering, they have nice suites here with full size fridges, microwaves, dishwashers, dishes, utensils, and an oven.  If you ever need a place to stay for an extended amount of time, you should definitely look at a Staybridge.

Seeing Good Friends: The highlight of my evening was surprising the group of LCDP participants, most of whom did not know I was coming!  I have so many good friends in that group and it was so good to see them all.  And it was also nice to be able to sit and talk with people who know about the issues that I often deal with.  It's not just the understanding that I need, but the ability to actually say it out loud without fear of any repercussions.  I can only hope that Saturday is also a good day! 

Day 131: 1/20/12 - "Things I Never Needed"

"I don't want to be the one who lets you down

All I did was run myself around

I wish I could have seen through your eyes

Maybe then I would have realized

I'm the only one who's bleeding

For the things I never needed"

-"Things I Never Needed" by Grace Potter & The Nocturnals

Hanging with My Friend: Today I got to hang with one of my best friends in the world!  It's always good when we are able to get together since we understand each other so well!  It's also nice to spend time with someone who is supportive and non-judgmental (she says likewise!).  It will only be a few days but hopefully it will rejuvenate me.  She also introduced me to a new artist that I will start listening to - Grace Potter & the Nocturnals (hence the song of the day!).

Toys & Candy!  Tonight we hit the Exhibits Grand Opening at the conference and on top of the free food (we only tried the phyllo wrapped asparagus with Parmesan cheese and the not sweet enough lemonade).  After running into everyone that we know and entering all of the contests, the highlight of the night was getting our free sportscar mouse for our computers (with working headlights).  Check out the pic below!  I also picked up some good chocolate for later eating - this year seems to be a hotbed for the good stuff (Hershey's and Dove).

Day 118: 1/7/12 - "Open Up Your Eyes"

"Choosing stones...

big enough to drag me down.

Where I am...

People's voices make hollow sounds

Just be quiet...

They'll go away

Open up your eyes

Don't let your mind tell the story here."

-"Open Up Your Eyes" by Tonic

What to do, what to do!  I hate feeling indecisive about anything.  I'm a big fan of being able to make a decision (with the best information available to me) and feeling confident in that decision (no matter the outcome).  But today I'm floating in the Indecisive Sea of Angst.  Talk about ruining my productivity!  When I get indecisive about decisions I also tend to get a little listless - I don't want to do anything!  I really need to work on that and learn to separate the parts of my life that need decisions to be made from those that I should just be able to work on without worrying about making a decision.  Take my knitting for example - that shouldn't require anything but monotonous, repetitive, I'm getting sleepy, action.  Which is why I'm going to go work on that right now!

When friends piss you off: I find that I often get very mad at my friends, though I still consider them to be my friends.  There are days where there actions or words make me want to throw something at them!  But then I remind myself that it is just them being them, and that to be a friend you often have to accept those things. I also realize that they likely get pissed at me too - so I should be very careful about thinking about it as a one way street.  But today was definitely an "I need some rotten tomatoes to throw" kind of day!

Day 86: 12/06/11 - "Echo"

"My biggest fear will be the rescue of me
Strange how it turns out that way, yeah"

-"Echo" by Incubus

The Best Gifts: I don't usually like getting gifts. They make me feel beholden to someone else, like I owe them something.  I realize this is not rational since it is an over-generalization of the gift giving and getting process, but it is how I feel.  But there are some gifts that don't make me feel this way, and they usually are what I call Pam Gifts.  What are Pam Gifts, you may ask?  Pam Gifts are gifts from my friend Pam, who seems to specialize in sending people the perfect gift that they need right when they need it.  Case in point: Pam sent my Christmas present early.  Those of you who read my blog know that I haven't exactly been the most chipper person in the world lately (though I'm trying!).  I open my present because Pam gave me permission too and what do I see?  A tiny notebook called a Queen tablet (for those times when I need to make a royal decree!) and a magnet that says "wait - hope - expect."  I'll try to listen to the magnet especially and I may even need to take it to work.  Though these gifts don't make me feel completely like I owe Pam something, I know I do and it has nothing to do with the gifts and everything to do with the thought behind them.  Thanks Pam...

Baking...Again: Yep, I was at it again tonight, this time I made a sweet potato pie for a party I may not get to attend tomorrow (go figure!).  I actually like my sweet potato pie, and I hope others do too.  I don't like the crust I made though.  It definitely looked good when it was rolled out, but it still browned too quickly (always seems to happen!).  One day I'll figure out how to prevent this - I just hope the rest of the pie came out alright (the bad thing about pie is that you can't test it like you can a cookie or even cupcakes). 

home made crust

pie mixture poured in...

finished pie

The Final Day...Or, at least the final class day for my freshman seminar was today.  I must admit it was a bit bittersweet.  We had students create 6 word memoirs about the class today and though I don't think they all took it completely seriously, I still thought they had some good ones.  Here they are (no names attached to save me from embarrassing them and a little commentary from me):

• Lots of fun, Tuesdays and Thursdays!
• I need more extra credit, please!
• If his counts, mine counts too (this one was a joke)
• Your food is super freaking delicious (yes, I fed them!)
• I love Kawanna's class so much!
• Loved it, very fun, miss it
• I really enjoyed myself this semester
• Crazy girls, loud table, friends forever (if you were in my class you'd know how true this one was)
• Came to class, learned new things
• Best class of the whole semester
• I love Kawanna Bright very much! (no I don't give extra credit for this!)
• This class was very, very helpful
• I really enjoyed the guest speakers
• This class was the bomb-diggity
• Coming to class is very important (from a student who stopped coming to class and nearly failed the class because of it).
• Met people, ate food, "read" chapters (note how "read" is in quotations)
• Was served lots of good food
• Learned about school, had some fun
• Met people and enjoyed class time
• Fun class, easy work, great teacher
• Made a new friend, learned much

Which one is my favorite?  Take a guess - I won't pick on here (wouldn't be fair to my students!).  Only the final to create now and a hope that they will do well!

Day 53: 11/3/11 - "Missing"

"Back on the train

I ask why did I come again

Can I confess?

I've been hangin' 'round your old address

And the years have proved

To offer nothin' since you moved

You're long gone

But I can't move on"

-"Missing" by Everything But the Girl

Insomnia is Back: My pendulum of sleep has swung back to "cannot go to sleep or stay asleep" levels.  Of course this means I'm still tired all day and even more so now that I'm not getting as much sleep as before.  What do you do when you have high levels of fatigue but cannot sleep?  What's the right solution?

Old Friends: I got to speak to an old friend tonight.  It was good to hear her voice and good to talk to her.  It also reminded me that I miss my friends from Tennessee and North Carolina.  I'm continuing to reevaluate what is most important for me now and I'm struggling to come to a conclusion.  What if I make the wrong choice again? Will I be the only one who pays for my inability to make sound decisions or will I wind up hurting others like I've done in the past?  Am I to blame for all that has gone wrong?

Day 7: 9/18/11 - "Reflection"

"Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time.
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside...."

-"Reflection" by Christina Aguilera

One Week: Today means that I've officially made it one week since my birthday. I know this doesn't seem like a big deal, and I know that time hasn't slowed down or sped up in any way, but this week seemed to drag on forever, but once the weekend arrived, I felt as if I needed/wanted more time. To do what? Nothing actually, but that's not the point. What I'm noticing is that I find myself dragging no matter what day of the week it is. Today I tried to do some of the normal things I always do and I find myself tired only a few hours into the day. I'm wondering when this will all end.

Chili: Though fall is officially not here yet (and with this being Texas, there is a chance that fall won't arrive for a while) I decided to make chili today. Nothing special, just black beans, garbanzo beans, lentils, chicken breast, tomatoes, shredded zucchini, red onion thrown into a pot with some seasoning. It doesn't taste bad but it will taste better if I let it sit for a couple of days. So I'll wait until Wednesday to give it a real try.

Trying to Catch Up: I can honestly say that I've never felt this far behind in my work ever before. I find myself fighting moments of rising panic when my brain tries to remind me that I've got so many things to get done, all with deadlines. It happened on Friday morning when I was sitting in a meeting. I was sitting there taking notes and listening to my colleague when all of a sudden I felt my heart jump and speed up as the thought crossed my mind - "I really need to get back to work, I have so much to do!" This has been happening nearly every day now for the past 3 weeks. I shouldn't be surprised, but I do know that I cannot go on like this. I'm either going to have a nervous breakdown or I'm going to burn out (they aren't the same thing, in case you are wondering, though they may seem similar). I'll try to go back to the "one thing at a time" mentality tomorrow but it didn't seem to work last week, so not sure how useful it will be this week.

Talking to Friends: I had the chance to chat with a good friend today and was reminded again of how much I hate talking on the phone (not because of her - I actually do like talking to her!). There is something about being on the phone that just drives me crazy and I want to do anything else. It doesn't matter who I'm talking to - mom, dad, friend, bill collector - all I can do is think about what I'm not doing because I'm on the phone (like today, I was thinking about the cleaning, cooking, and grading that I needed to get done).

Stormy Weather: A thunderstorm rolled through tonight - they usually frighten me but since this one was bringing rain, so I didn't really pay as much attention to the rumbling and flashes of lightening as I usually do. Don't get me wrong, I noticed them, but I didn't get as jumpy as I usually do. Wonder what that is all about?