Day 244: 5/12/12 - "Bottle It Up"

"Only thing I ever could need, only one good thing
Worth trying to be and it's

Love

I do it for Love..."

-"Bottle It Up" by Sara Bareilles

Better Late Than Never: I've always known that my father loved my mother with all of his heart, but my father isn't known for his emotional intelligence or for being able to talk about his emotions.  He tells me he loves me without any trouble - I'm his daughter and that makes sense to him. But in all the time he was with my mom, he never said those words to her.  They've been on again, off again for some time now and lately they are back on again...that's another story.  This story is about the phone call I got tonight where my mom asked me very cryptically what I thought my father had just said to her.  I said I didn't have a clue.  She said she had asked him why the hell he had put up with her all of these years.  His response?  "Because I love your ass, that's why."  Not eloquent or sweet, but definitely overdue and just like my dad.  Definitely better late than never, and I hope I find someone some day that says the same thing to me...even if not in so many words.  Good luck mom and dad, I love you both.

Dreading Tomorrow: Though I love my mother very much and hope she has a wonderful day tomorrow, I'm also dreading the day as I have for the last 10 years or so.  I try not to go anywhere public because people insist on saying Happy Mother's Day to me, though I have no children.  It makes me sad because I want children and always thought I would have at least one child by now.  It's another holiday where I'm reminded that I'm alone and just how much I've failed at my own life goals.  I know in my heart that never being a mother does not make me less of a woman, but I can't help feeling that way.  I wish others would understand that and refrain from breaking my heat with their words...

Day 108: 12/28/11 - "Stupid"

"How stupid could I be

A simpleton could see..."

-"Stupid" by Sarah McLachlan

Sight-seeing: I took my brother and his wife out "sight-seeing" today (or at least what I call sight-seeing).  We went to What a Burger first (first visit for me too!).  Then I took them to my place of employment (I was actually looking for my sun glasses there, but I didn't find them).  Then I took them downtown and promptly got lost and missed my exit.  I swear there are times when I feel too stupid for words.  I'll need to work on my navigation skills if I'm going to be taking anyone anywhere in the future.

Day 106 - 12/26/11 - "Runaway"

"I'm gonna pack my bags

And never look back..."

-"Runaway" by Love & Theft

Musically Lacking: Today I got to experience what it was like to try to record a song and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm not cut out to be a singer. I'm barely even cut out to be a back up singer.  Others tell me that I sound good but I don't hear it.  At least I know that if my brother can get someone else to play the song it will likely be a hit - it's a great song...I'm just not a great singer.

Spending Time with Dad: It's been fun spending time with my dad (as usual).  I just wonder how many more of these opportunities I'll have living so far away from him.  I really need to look at moving closer so that we can enjoy our time together.

Day 105: 12/25/11 - "I Try"

"I try and say goodbye and I choke

Try to walk away and I stumble"

-"I Try" by Macy Gray

Hard Decisions: I may not believe in good or bad decisions but I do believe in easy and hard decisions. I'm going to have to make some of both. I know a couple of them are going to break my heart and the others will make me happy. I can only hope that they will eventually balance each other out. All I know is that I can't let others ruin my life.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Day 104 - 12/24/11 - "I'll Be Home for Christmas"

"I'll be home for Christmas

You can count on me..."

-"I'll Be Home for Christmas" by Bing Crosby

Home for the Holidays: It is good to be home, even if only for a few days. Traveling on Christmas Eve went smoother than expected and I met an interesting man on the first leg of my flight. Don't get your hopes up - it's likely nothing...

Why I don't like to eat out: We stopped at Ryan's today and both my mother and I wound up getting sick! Never again!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Day 79: 11/29/11 - "Perfect"

"Pretty, pretty please

Don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing

You are perfect..."

-"Perfect" by Pink!

Late Night Chat: A colleague and I decided to do late night chat this week to see if we got any night owls.  She had two on the first night.  I've had only one on the 2nd night.  But I consider even these small numbers to be useful.  Not sure if anyone else would agree and I'm definitely tired, but it has been worth it.

Farewell, Junior: My friend's husband sent me a message on FB tonight letting me know that their dog, Junior, had passed away during emergency surgery on the day after Thanksgiving.  I had not called or spoken to my friend in over a year, partly because I've been so sad that I didn't want to bring her down.  But I had to call her tonight and try to at least express my condolences.  It was good to talk to her, though I hated the circumstances.  I'll remember to call her more often - I miss her and her husband - they were very much my family while I was in Raleigh and when I left I lost them just as I lost my other friends.

Day 75: 11/25/11 - "Everybody Hurts"

"When your on your own

And the nights - the nights are yours alone

And you think you've had too much

Of this life - hang on"

-"Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.

The Trouble With...Not being a smoker when everyone else in your family is, is that when you visit for the holidays, you don't have a clean air space to stay. They don't even realize how bad the smoke is even when my eyes are watering, I'm coughing, and my chest is hurting. And I don't want to put anyone out by asking them not to smoke in their own home. But last night was tough.

Brothers: I tell people all the time just how smart and talented my brother is and how lucky I am to have him. I was reminded of that today when I got to spend some time with him, just us. He cut my hair for me, shared his music and even asked me to help him sing one of his songs. I'm sure he'll find someone better eventually but I'm still flattered.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Day 74: 11/24/11 - "Ode to My Family"

"Happiness, was when I was young and we didn't give a damn..."

-"Ode to My Family" by The Cranberries

Airport Woes: I left for the airport 2.5 hours before my plane was scheduled to leave. Imagine my surprise when I arrived there and the long term parking was already closed.  But the San Antonio Airport didn't help the situation by not putting up any signs to divert us before we got stuck in the line for the long term parking.  You had to wait in line, get to a staff person who was blocking the short term lane, get directions and a ticket, turn in your ticket to get out of the parking and then go over to the overflow lot.  Once there we wound up waiting almost 30 minutes for a shuttle bus to come and get us and drop us off at the airport.

Family Matters: It was good to see my family and get to enjoy my Aunt's cooking!  The sad part though was that we were missing some family members who just didn't get to come.  How did I know?  There was food left at the end of the day.  There is never food left at Thanksgiving and this year there was.  It was also the first Thanksgiving without our Uncle Bobby - it just wasn't the same....

Day 46: 10/27/11 - "I Dare You to Move"

"I dare you to move

I dare you to move

I dare you to life yourself up off the floor

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

Like today never happened before"

- "I Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot

Sneak Peak: I'm making headway into my next knitting project.  Here is a sneak peak at the baby blanket I'm making for a friend who is due soon!  I hope I can finish it and get it to her before the baby arrives, but if not, I'm sure she will still find much use for it even after the baby is born.  This is also a good way to time how long it takes for me to make this particular blanket since I'm planning to make it at least 1 more time for another friend who is due in late November.  Too many babies, too little time!

Surprise Text Present: My brother sent me a picture through text today and at first I almost didn't look at it.  Sometimes he sends me silly things (not that I don't need a laugh) and I wasn't in the mood for it today.  But I decided to look and it was a picture of my youngest nephew!  I haven't seen him in 2 years since Christmas and I've been wondering how he was and what he looked like now.  My brother took a picture of him while he was sleeping (so angelic!) and sent it to my mom and me.  He says that he is back in Decherd so I hope it means he'll get to see him more.  I keep telling my brother that it is never too late.

World Series: So I'm watching what I hope will be the last game of this year's World Series.  Texas is up by 3 in the 7th inning and though nothing is ever written in stone, this team just seems like it is right on target to take it all.  I'm glad since I've become attached to them.  I guess it's okay to have an American League team since the odds of them playing my Cubs is slim to none.

Day 15: 9/26/11 - "Breakaway"

"Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And If I'd end up happy,
I would pray.."

- "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson

Happy Birthday Daddy! Despite my own sadness, I could at least smile today as I called my father to wish him a happy birthday. I miss him and my family so much, so any time I talk to them I feel even more isolated. But I know I'll be home soon for Thanksgiving. It's always fun to talk to my Dad, though he rambles on sometimes. His youngest brother (and only remaining sibling) is living with him now, so I worry about him less, but Dad tells me that my uncle is pretty much deaf now...and won't go to the doctor to have his hearing checked out. Sounds like I'm going to have to try to talk to him when I go home. And a fun surprise - My Auntie called this morning to get Dad's phone number so she could call and wish him a happy birthday. She also wished me a belated happy birthday. It's one of the strange things about my Mom's side of the family that I love dearly: My Auntie is my mom's oldest sister but she still calls my Dad on his birthday (and still remembers his birthday) though my parents are no longer married. She also threatens my dad if he doesn't come to Thanksgiving dinner (we always have it at her house) and she gets mad at him when he doesn't come visit. Love you Daddy and Auntie (and all of my family) and miss you all very much.

Tony Romo: Are you kidding me? You played last week with a broken rib and a punctured lung and some idiot decided that a pain shot and a protective vest would be enough to let you actually play tonight? Am I missing something? Like normal logic and intelligent thinking? Who in their right mind thinks that its a good idea to play football only a week and a day after suffering the injury that Tony Romo suffered (and no, I don't think it matters that he wanted to play - someone still needed to step up and sit his butt down!

Crying: Yep, started tearing up again today...really got to shake this because I'm annoying myself. I can say that I didn't cry in my dreams last night and the one I really remember was just strange. Let's just say that I was being chased by someone and I couldn't see where I was going but I knew by feel how to find my way down the stairs, out the front door and down the street...bare foot. I ended up hiding out in someone's car and then in someone's house. Then, poof, mom and dad are there to get me and take me home. And we are fussing at mom about all of the extra bags she has. Nothing in this dream made sense but it was a mixture of crazy things I had read (Zoo City), seen (Hawaii 5-0), and experiences (traveling with my parents). But the real question is why? And what does it mean when I dream about my parents coming to my rescue?

New Aches and Pains: Today I have discovered two new aches and pains. My left hip now hurts after I sit down for extended periods of time. And I now have a recurring pain in my right side. Now trying to catalog these things and see if I can figure out what is causing them.

Tennis tomorrow? I hope so! It's been a while but I think I can get out there and give it a go. Despite how tired I am, I truly believe that I need as much exercise as I can get. Better pack my stuff tonight so that I'll be ready to go in the morning. Let's hope my new aches and pains don't prove to be too difficult for me to overcome....or that it rains.

Congrats! Last but not least, a hearty congratulations to my friend HDC who apparently is married now. I wish her and her husband much happiness and hope I get to see both of them again soon.