Day 230: 4/28/12 - "Broken Hearted"

"While I'm lonely brokenhearted
Life's not over
I can start again
While I'm lonely brokenhearted
It's a hurting thing to get over"
 

-"Broken Hearted" by Brandy

Not Much to Say: I don't have much to say about my day today.  I ran 8.6 miles and nearly passed out afterwards.  About 6 miles into the run I came to the conclusion that I needed to stop running.  I'm in so much pain when I finish that the rest of my day is basically ruined.  Plus, I'm just not cut out for running.  I know I need to find something to replace running with or I'll have a bigger issue on my hand, but I'll have to worry about that later.  I tend to think a lot as I run and I often come up with new stories for the books I'll never finish, or decisions related to work or my life.  I just didn't expect my decision today to be about running.  I'm a little saddened at the idea of not running anymore.  I also feel as if I'm admitting defeat in my battle of the budge and again failing at something in my life.

Writing It All Out: Today I spent more time writing and working on my books than I have in a long time.  I also reread my books as I work on them (I have to for most since I don't remember what I wrote).  I was rereading one of them and actually made myself tear up over something I had imagined happening to someone in a book.  It was kind of nice to see that I had written something that could evoke an emotional response.  I'm just sad that it is likely no one else will read it.

Day 190: 3/19/12 - "Got You Where I Want You"

"Hey maybe just a smile
Oh hey do you know that I can dance
Could we talk for a while

I think you're smart
You sweet thing
Tell me your sign
I'm dying here

Ooh got you where I want you
Ooh got you where I want you
Oh yea
Ooh got you where I want you
I want you bad"

-"Got You Where I Want You " by The Flys

Stormy Weather: San Antonio doesn't usually get huge amounts of bad weather, but today we're under a tornado warning.  i find that I'm more frightened of the possibility of tornadoes down here, simply because there are no sirens to help warn me.  If I have my TV on and still have power, then I get an alert.  But what if I don't?  I start to worry that I'd sleep through a major storm.  I have a perfectly safe looking walk-in closet that I could hide in, but that's not where my bed is!  I'll just have to hope for the best and that I wake up in the morning.

My Opportunity to Speak:  I just found out today that I will get my opportunity to speak out against someone who, I feel, has been abusing their position and abusing those of us who work with them.  I know this person is worried about what others say about them, so this situation must be eating at them.  But we all deserve this opportunity and as I always say - if you are living right, then you have nothing to worry about.  Living wrong?  Then may whatever god you pray to have mercy on you, because you'll need it.

Weigh In: Tomorrow I get to find out my current weight.  I know I've dropped some weight because my clothes are fitting better.  But I don't know how this will balance with the muscle I've gained.  I could actually be the same weight but be healthier (which is fine with me).  Don't know if I'll post my weight here.  I'm not ashamed of it, but even I might have to draw the line of posting it on a blog!

Every Night: I have made myself commit to working on Angel of Mercy every day so that I can finish it in a timely manner.  My hope is that I'll finish it by the end of June (and ALA) and then find out if I have enough moxie to actually submit it to a publisher.

Day 143: 2/1/12 - "No More Rain in This Cloud"

"There's no hiding place,

When someone has hurt you

It's written on your face.

And it reads....

Broken spirit, lost and confused,

Empty, scared, used, and abused.

A fool...."

-"No More Rain in This Cloud" by Angie Stone

The Unmitigated Gaul!  The audacity of some people, to shirk their responsibilities on to someone else, and then when it doesn't work out, try to change it to make it fit...and when that doesn't work, giving it back to the person who worked on it originally!  Also, seriously, your writing skills are atrocious - please don't mix your writing with mine and contaminate something that flows nicely, with something that is too blunt, makes no connections, and sounds as if it were written by a teenager.  Okay, off of my soapbox...

Baking!  Yesterday I made chocolate cupcakes with chocolate buttercream icing for one of my students (here birthday is tomorrow).  They turned out great, except the icing had an odd look to it.  For some reason it began to break down when I added the dark chocolate.  The only good thing about it was that the icing turned out to almost shimmer like silver.  Whatever I did , I doubt I could manage it again! The cupcakes were well-received though, so I'm looking forward to making other things next.

Day 114: 1/3/12 - "Beautiful Disaster"

"And every magazine tells her she's not good enough
The pictures that she sees makes her cry
She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home"

-"Beautiful Disaster" by Jon McLaughlin

Another One?  Today I started a new blog.  I know what you are thinking - "Another one?  I mean, come one, Kawanna.  Aren't two enough?  You barely even remember to post in the professional one!"  To this I have to say that I've been able to maintain this one and keep my promise to post daily.  And the real reason I haven't posted in my professional one is that I haven't had anything to say (and yes, I'm being defensive!).  My new blog is completely sports based (mostly baseball).  I started it because...well, just read the first post and you'll see why I started it.  The address is http://throwingcurves.blogspot.com.

What She Said  Apparently, after winning her first match of the 2012 season, Serena Williams said that she doesn't love tennis.  Check out the story on ESPN if you want to read the details.  Not everyone has been happy about this statement but I think the only person who should be sad about it is Serena Williams.  How many of us are working jobs that don't make us happy anymore?  How many of us are still in it just for the money and if we could, we would do something else?  And how many of us realize that there isn't anything else that we can do, because our jobs bring in the bacon.  I think this is what Serena Williams was trying to say (and yes, she might have been able to put it in a better way, but I think she was being truthful).  I can only wish her luck in finding what she does love and then doing it.  She'll have a better shot at it than most of us with the amount of money she has.  Me, I just have to keep trying to win the lottery!

Day 17: 9/28/11 - "Who Knew"

"When someone said count your blessings now,
'Fore there long gone.
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong..."

- "Who Knew" by Pink

Unhappy Camper: That was me today - nothing made me happy and everything bothered me for one reason or another. Some things I think I was right to be bothered by. Other things I think I just let get to me (or maybe they just felt bigger than they were because of all of the other things). My list:

• Woke up with a headache and still shaky (like most mornings).
• Watch battery stopped working so I wound up being late for two appointments.
• Complaints from students related to other students eating/drinking in the library (and subsequently a near argument with someone else about it as I tried to explain what the problem was).
• Left ankle swollen after only half the day (Really? I didn't even do anything to it today!)
• Forget to plug in my phone and it dies and then it won't charge properly.
• Ran out of baking cups and butter so had to hit the store on the way home during the height of traffic and heat.
• Father called to let me know that the car dealership where I got his car again reneged on their deal of free oil changes. Now I'll have to call them tomorrow to complain and let them know that they've lost our business (like they'll care!).
• 2 new major things added to my "to do" list for work, when I'm already seriously behind.
  

I think that's enough. If I add all of the recurring things, I might as well call it the "Bitching Blog."

My Failure as a Teacher: I'm starting to feel like I'm not being a very good (effective) teacher for my students this year. My group is so homogenous and I'm used to having some more distinctive personalities. I can't decide if I'm being handcuffed by the syllabus and topics that I did not choose (I just teach them), or if I'm just not a very good teacher for this particular group of students. How do I keep them from failing and also not fail them at the same time? Conundrum.

Money Flies: I know they say that time flies, but lately I would say that money flies...as in out of my wallet and away from me. It's funny how these things all seem to happen at the same time. Large medical bills come in at the same times as my professional organization membership renewal, and my need to make my travel arrangements for conferences. have over $2,000 go out of your pocket at one time really hurts, even when some of it will come back eventually. I wonder what it's like for those who don't have money worries. Reminds me of a line from one of my favorite songs, "I Am" by Train:

"I never had a day when money didn't get in my way."

Apropos I think.

Book Ideas: I know, if I can't finish the books I'm working on already, why in the world would I want to start thinking about another book idea? But this one is different - it's not fiction, it's real life. And it's a perspective I don't think others would think of. I won't pitch it fully here (don't want someone else to try to take it away from me), but I will say that it could be a great documentary as well!

Home made Buttercream: I know I've said this before, but I need to say it again...I will never buy canned frosting again! I've made buttercream so many times now that it seems like second nature. And the quantity you get and the quality as well are so much better than the pre-made stuff. I don't know if others agree, but I know I'll always splurge on the butter and powdered sugar and make my own! Check out my Day 2 for the actual recipe.

Day 6: 9/17/11 - "King of Anything"

"All my life I've tried
To make everybody happy while I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide"

-"King of Anything" by Sara Bareilles

College Football Saturday: I sit here trying to type out this post while I watch the Oklahoma/Florida State game on TV. For those who know me, I'm a huge college football fan and as an Oklahoma alumna, I of course and highly focused on this game. At the start of this post it is the 4th quarter and Oklahoma is up 13 - 6. But it's not the game I wan to focus on but rather two things that happened during two games that really bothered me. The first happened during the Tennessee/Florida game. One of the Tennessee players was in on a hit and must have had his bell rung. The announcers saw it and those of us watching saw it as he struggled to stand up and clearly was not even sure what was going on. But he was allowed to stay in the game and line up for the next play. What happened to all of the talk about being careful about these kids getting concussions? The second happened in the OU/FSU game where FSU's quarterback clearly had an injured shoulder, indicated it to the sideline and they left him in the game! I'm concerned about the lack of concern shown for both of these players. Players shouldn't have to get knocked out cold to be pulled from a game and checked out! And *sigh* - FSU just scored a touchdown: 13 - 13.

Exercise and Energy: I had hoped to be out playing tennis this morning but my tennis partner texted me to let me know that they had gotten about 2 hours of rain that morning and he was going to go check the courts. Sure enough, the courts looked like a swimming pool and my tennis playing dreams were dashed. This meant I had to get up and go to the fitness center instead and with my knees already hurting, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to burn as many calories as I felt I need to. I wound up doing a 3 mph inclined walk for 30 minutes, jogging 2.5 km in 20 minutes, and using the elliptical for 30 minutes. Not ideal but I think it definitely burned the calories that I wanted to burn. Of course now my knees definitely hurt and so does my ankle, and my left hip, and my legs in general feel like too tired tree stumps. I also have absolutely no energy at all and haven't all day. What happened to the endorphins that used to kick in when I worked out? Why don't they work any more?

Online Dating: So, like many others, I tried online dating when I came to Texas. I decided to use Match.com since I had heard good things about it and it was fairly affordable. I had tried e-harmony in the past and never liked it, so Match seemed to be my best option. (Game Update: Touchdown Oklahoma!) I started Match in October 2010 and after 6 months I earned the 6-month free guarantee. How did I do that? Easy, I went 6 months without actually meeting anyone despite contacting people each month. So I figured that with 6 months of free service, I was bound to meet someone, right? Nope! (Game Update: Oklahoma wins!) I did not get one realistic contact or date the entire time I've been on Match. Did I get contacted? Yes...by people in Canada, Pennsylvania, California, France, and Italy...people who had no intention of ever coming to Texas for any reason and I know I wasn't planning on going to where they lived anytime soon. The few that were close to home weren't serious or completely ignored the fact that we weren't a match at all...in no ways. Why contact someone that is the exact opposite of what you are looking for especially when you are the exact opposite of what they are looking for? So, the whole point of this part of the entry is that I cancelled my Match subscription and Match nicely said "Hate to see you go, but you still have 17 days to find the one!" Really? You expect me to find someone in 17 days when I couldn't in 348? I don't look any different, nor has anything else on my profile changed. It was so funny I actually forgot to laugh!

Holiday Plans: My mom reminded me that I need to get my plane ticket home for Thanksgiving. I hope I can get a decent ticket but something tells me its going to be pretty steep and I might wind up flying home on Thanksgiving Day (can we say travel nightmare?).

Unfinished Business: In the hopes of not feeling as useless as I have lately, I actually attempted to work on my afghan today. It's hard to get myself to do much of anything on most days so I was really proud of myself when I actually managed to work on 3 of the squares today. Now if I could just get myself to work on Angel of Mercy....