Day 213: 4/11/12 - "Warning"

"What's so wrong with being happy?

Kudos to those who see through sickness, yeah

Over and over

And over and over

She woke in the morning

She knew that her life had passed her by

And she called out a warning

'Don't ever let life pass you by'"

-"Warning" by Incubus

How I Miss It!  Today I got a small taste of library instruction again for the first time in nearly 2 years and it was exhilarating.  The pressure of getting materials read on time; setting up the room; double checking your presentation; waiting to see if anyone will show up; greeting those who do; and then the actual session itself.  I say I only got a taste because I wasn't the one teaching.  My peer coaches had their session today and I was very proud of them!  There are 5 of them and we split the workshop into 5 sections.  They did a great job, including drawing a concept map on the board and getting the students in the class to help break down the topic.  We played a game with the clickers and awarded prizes.  And I made lots of cookies as a treat for everyone (as one of my students said after we gave out the prizes - "And everyone gets cookies!").  Afterwards I was practically vibrating with energy and talking way too fast and feeling as if I could run a marathon! I crashed about an hour later, but it was a good crash (just back down to reality).  But I was reminded of what I used to love about being a librarian, and I miss it. :-(  But on the bright side - 19 people showed up for the workshop and the students handled it very well!

Day 163: 2/21/12 - "I Need to Wake Up"

"'Cause I need to move, I need to wake up
I need to change, I need to shake up
I need to speak out, something's got to break up
I've been asleep and I need to wake up now..."

-"I Need to Wake Up" by Melissa Etheridge

To Be a Better Person: I struggle every day to be a better person.  Better than the thoughts running through my head that aren't nice or polite.  Better than the person I dream about.  Better than the one who comes home from work and can't figure out what she should be doing so she doesn't do anything.  It's this desire to be better than I am that leads me to continue to do nice things for people that I should really tell to go f*** themselves.  I don't do these things for them, I do them for myself...so that I might like myself a little better tomorrow than I do today...

I'm Famous...Well, Maybe Notorious!  I met a librarian today during the FYE conference who said that he knew of me...how odd to hear that!  Apparently my name still comes up in some instruction circles, though I'm beginning to wonder why.  I will say that it was flattering to think that someone wanted to work with me on creating some "generic" instruction modules.  He's the tech person but was interested in having someone do the writing part (which is where I'm better).  The funny part is that I was just thinking about this!  I was thinking that I wanted to sit down and try to construct out some info lit modules just for the experience of it...just to keep my self sharp...and to try out some things that have been floating in my head for a while.  We'll have to see if I can get this one up off the ground!

Day 93: 12/13/11 - "Standing at the Edge of the Earth"

"Are you searching for words that you can't find

Trying to hide your emotions..."

-"Standing at the Edge of the Earth" by Blessid Union of Soul

Holiday Elf: Today I played Holiday Elf for the first time in two years.  I didn't realize how much I missed baking and delivering Christmas Cookies to people until I actually did it again today.  From what I could tell the cookies were well-received and I only have two bags left to deliver tomorrow (to our external people).  I don't know how long I'll continue doing this but I definitely think it could turn into a lucrative business if I could just get myself set up with the stock I need and an online storefront.  I'd also have to find out a way to improve the shipping (shipping costs are a royal pain!).  Maybe priority post would work?  I'd also have to make sure I bought plenty of bubble wrap!  Can't have broken cookies!  Of course, there is also the hilarity of me pretending to be an elf.  Will Farrell has a couple of inches on me but talk about a big elf!

Final Final: I gave my final exam for my class today.  I don't know overall how it went and tomorrow I'll have to look at the questions to see if there was anything unfair going on.  But from what I can see, most people who actually studied did well and got the grade they were hoping for in the class.  Others who were struggling already continued to struggle on the final.  I didn't purposely try to make it hard and since they had a study guide I guess there is no real excuse for some of the low points.  I've learned a lot this semester and I plan to write it all down one day soon but for now I'm just enjoying being one step closer to the end of the semester.

Day 86: 12/06/11 - "Echo"

"My biggest fear will be the rescue of me
Strange how it turns out that way, yeah"

-"Echo" by Incubus

The Best Gifts: I don't usually like getting gifts. They make me feel beholden to someone else, like I owe them something.  I realize this is not rational since it is an over-generalization of the gift giving and getting process, but it is how I feel.  But there are some gifts that don't make me feel this way, and they usually are what I call Pam Gifts.  What are Pam Gifts, you may ask?  Pam Gifts are gifts from my friend Pam, who seems to specialize in sending people the perfect gift that they need right when they need it.  Case in point: Pam sent my Christmas present early.  Those of you who read my blog know that I haven't exactly been the most chipper person in the world lately (though I'm trying!).  I open my present because Pam gave me permission too and what do I see?  A tiny notebook called a Queen tablet (for those times when I need to make a royal decree!) and a magnet that says "wait - hope - expect."  I'll try to listen to the magnet especially and I may even need to take it to work.  Though these gifts don't make me feel completely like I owe Pam something, I know I do and it has nothing to do with the gifts and everything to do with the thought behind them.  Thanks Pam...

Baking...Again: Yep, I was at it again tonight, this time I made a sweet potato pie for a party I may not get to attend tomorrow (go figure!).  I actually like my sweet potato pie, and I hope others do too.  I don't like the crust I made though.  It definitely looked good when it was rolled out, but it still browned too quickly (always seems to happen!).  One day I'll figure out how to prevent this - I just hope the rest of the pie came out alright (the bad thing about pie is that you can't test it like you can a cookie or even cupcakes). 

home made crust

pie mixture poured in...

finished pie

The Final Day...Or, at least the final class day for my freshman seminar was today.  I must admit it was a bit bittersweet.  We had students create 6 word memoirs about the class today and though I don't think they all took it completely seriously, I still thought they had some good ones.  Here they are (no names attached to save me from embarrassing them and a little commentary from me):

• Lots of fun, Tuesdays and Thursdays!
• I need more extra credit, please!
• If his counts, mine counts too (this one was a joke)
• Your food is super freaking delicious (yes, I fed them!)
• I love Kawanna's class so much!
• Loved it, very fun, miss it
• I really enjoyed myself this semester
• Crazy girls, loud table, friends forever (if you were in my class you'd know how true this one was)
• Came to class, learned new things
• Best class of the whole semester
• I love Kawanna Bright very much! (no I don't give extra credit for this!)
• This class was very, very helpful
• I really enjoyed the guest speakers
• This class was the bomb-diggity
• Coming to class is very important (from a student who stopped coming to class and nearly failed the class because of it).
• Met people, ate food, "read" chapters (note how "read" is in quotations)
• Was served lots of good food
• Learned about school, had some fun
• Met people and enjoyed class time
• Fun class, easy work, great teacher
• Made a new friend, learned much

Which one is my favorite?  Take a guess - I won't pick on here (wouldn't be fair to my students!).  Only the final to create now and a hope that they will do well!

Day 67: 11/17/11 - "Man in the Box"

"I'm the dog who gets beat

Shove my nose in s*it

Won't you come and save me..."

-"Man in the Box" by Alice in Chairs

Vicarious Pride: Tonight I attend an awards dinner for students who wrote winning essays for their COR 1203 courses.  All instructors submitted their top two essays for consideration, so there were 102 essays submitted for review.  Out of this, there were only 3 winners.  One of the winners this year was my student!  I was so happy for him and very proud of him, but I think what made me the most proud was the way he received the honor.  You could see that he was humbled by it, as if he couldn't believe that he had won second place.  I know his parents are going to be ecstatic about his honor and I wish they could have been there.  I taped it as best I could from my digital camera and I'll make sure he has that to share with his parents.  I hope this launches him into even greater things!

None Done, So Many to Go: I've got so many things going on at once right now, and I'm not sure where to start, let alone sure how to finish!  I had to squeeze in a meeting tomorrow during my lunch hour since I didn't have any other open slots to work with.  I normally work through my lunch, but nothing too intense - it's usually when I clean up my e-mail.  Tomorrow I'll have to see if I can be productive and actually get something coherent put together during an hour long session where I have to try to eat at the same time.

What The ???  I've received two phone calls from staff members recently where I'm not sure why they needed my assistance.  I'm beginning to see that no matter how much training is provided, how much information is offered, there are some staff members who just won't be able to go that next step and extrapolate from previous experiences.  I was talking to my students about multiple-intelligences today and I think this is what I'm seeing as I work with my varied staff and, of course, the varied patrons!

And It Grows: I'm saddened but not surprised to see that more victims of the Sandusky scandal are coming forward.  All it takes is one person strong enough to weather the storm to provide shelter to others too scared to speak up previously.  Of course, now, it looks like Syracuse is going to get caught up in a similar scandal.  I wonder what the connection is to Penn State (in terms of the security that comes from having someone else step up and speak the truth).  Will this one also grow disproportionately based on the distance we get from the original announcement?  You can only hope that one day it will all. end.

Day 43: 10/24/11 - "A Little Bit Stronger"

"Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain

But I brushed my teeth anyway

I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face

I got a little bit stronger"

- "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans

Racism and Sexism - What Next?  I've been watching a lot of tv lately (you know me, I love my tv).  And I've started to notice incidents of racism and sexism that in some cases are blatantly obvious and in other cases, I'm just now starting to notice.  Take Dr. Pepper Ten for instance.  I love my Dr. Pepper and I do drink diet rather than regular (because I want to avoid the additional sugar), but I'm not necessarily excited about the taste of diet drinks any more than the next person.  It's one thing to market your drink to men only (there are plenty of products marketed to women only...though some of them make more sense than others).  But to blatantly use stereotypes that are simply not true to advertise your drink to men is insulting, IMHO.  I like action movies (they are my favorite type).  I watch football and baseball (and not because of the way the players look in their uniforms). And I'm sure I do and say other things that are not "lady-like".  Does this mean I wouldn't like Dr. Pepper 10?  And what about Direct TV's commercials to advertise their NFL services?  Why is Deion only talking to men except the one lady who is the stereotypical blonde southern bell?  And as for the racism - I'll admit, it's a strong word, but I'm thinking in particular of the shows "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette."  Have either of these shows had a lead character of color?  What, they haven't been able to find a beautiful or handsome, successful and worthy person of color to star on the show?  I don't actually watch either one, but now I'm wondering if they've even had suitors of color on the show?  I'm guessing that they've had a few - but what chance did any of them really have?  

Plagiarism: Today I had to check all of my students' essays for plagiarism after I found that one of my students had plagiarized.  Officially I could almost call a few more of them out, but I only had one that was of the egregious type (blatantly copying and pasting from online resources).  The others didn't offer proper citation though I can tell they paraphrased (or they hired a great person to write their essay, which would be awful considering the low stakes of this class).  I guess I'm just disappointed in the effort (or lack thereof) that most of them put forth.  I don't remember not wanting to do my best no matter what I was doing.  Even now when I'm tired and beaten down, I still get upset if my knitting doesn't look as good as I think it should - I want to do my best at it.  What do you say to these students who just don't care?

Missing my Trombone: One of my high school friends posted that she was missing playing the piccolo and it made me think about my trombone.  It's been years since I played and I sold my trombone many years ago, but now I'm starting to think about it more and more.  Could I have been a better player if I had tried a little harder?  How would my life have been different if I had played through high school and into college?  I know it is too late to think about "what ifs" but I'm really starting to look at episodes in my life and wonder what I could have done differently and whether it would have made things easier or harder for me now.  What a waste of time...

Day 42: 10/23/11 - "Wasted"

"I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting
To wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by wasted"

 - "Wasted" by Carrie Underwood

Grading: Today was catch up on my grading day and needless to say, after 3 hours I was ready to pull my hair out!  There is no way I can continue to grade papers of this caliber without feeling like I should just give up and give them passing grades just to get away from them!  Okay, so that might be a little extreme, but I'm truly worried about the lack of writing of skills I see from these students.  I don't think its just my class either - I think it's the majority of students who hit our campus.  Makes me wonder what has truly become of our educational system.  Is this really the fault of technology along with all of the other changes that have come about in our world?

Candy for the Students: Today I spent my "Kawanna-money" on candy for the students.  What's "Kawanna-money" you ask?  It's money that I would normally spend on something for myself, like a dinner out, or even a movie.  But I haven't felt like I've deserved any treats lately, so today I went off and spent that money on the good candy (you know, Reese's, Hershey's, Butterfingers, etc.).  I'll take it in tomorrow and watch it fly out of the bowls.

Day 30: 10/11/11 - "Soul Rock"

"You are my soul rock when the tide is up

And the waves are crashing in on me

Soul rock when I've had enough

Of the wreck of everything"

-"Soul Rock" by Ferras

Name Tag: It's funny the things you notice at odd times. I put my name tag on today and realized that I had forgotten that my title had changed, so my name tag is incorrect.  Since they are cheap I've requested a new one be ordered for me, but then I remembered that my business cards are also now all incorrect.  Though not overly expensive, I hate the idea of throwing out a 1/2 box of business cards (though I also hate the idea of giving out incorrect ones and having to explain things).  What a waste...

Visiting the Vampires: Today was my blood draw day so that when I go back to the doctor next Wednesday they will hopefully have my results and know if my thyroid hormone levels are within normal range.  I also get to talk to the doctor about all of the other odd symptoms I'm having.  Hopefully this visit will yield the help that I need right now to try to get back to normal. I don't like this Kawanna very much at all, and I had enough trouble liking the other Kawanna.  Other than getting stuck in traffic due to construction, the blood draw was actually rather painless.  The technician did a really nice job and had me in and out of there in less than 3 minutes.  Too bad my doctor's visit will likely take 3 hours - I plan to take my knitting with me.

Speaking of Knitting...I have jury duty tomorrow and they don't allow knitting needles in the court room.  How heart breaking!  I'm planning to take my students' papers so that I can work on some grading, and I have a couple of books that I will try to read.  I wonder if they allow sleeping in the court room?  Sleeping I could definitely do!

Bothersome Book Sale: This book sale is driving me crazy!  I'm on book pick up duty tomorrow (if I get off of jury duty in time).  If I don't get them tomorrow I'll have to make another trip downtown on Thursday just to pick them up.  So far I've been told there are over 6 boxes waiting for me.  Not sure how I'm going to get all of those books into my car and then into the library, but I'll figure it out tomorrow.  Hopefully the temperature will stay Texas-mild and I won't be too uncomfortable as I try to shift and move heavy boxes.  I really can't wait for this book sale to be over and it hasn't even begun yet!

Listless: This is the best word to describe my students today.  Not sure what was going on with them, maybe it was the after-Midterm blues, but they just weren't "there" today.  I was frustrated with them and ready to call it a day myself.  Found out from one of my colleagues that his class was about the same.  Maybe something in the air on campus?  I hope it clears up before Thursday - I don't want to go through another class session like that again!

Day 26: 10/7/11 - "Moves Like Jagger"

"Just shoot for the stars
If it feels right"

- "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5

Cake View: Though I posted a picture of the chocolate cake when it was complete, I also wanted to post a picture of it sliced, so that I could show another dimension to the cake.  I've decided to forgo the lemon cake for another week because I want to make my s'mores cake using the chocolate cake recipe that I have that I know works and something new with a marshmallow icing that I'll need to practice making.  The lemon cake will have to go for the following week.

Picking Up the Pieces: I made a statement this morning on FB that I should stop reading my e-mails first thing in the morning.  Today was one of those days where reading my e-mail gave me an immediate headache and heartburn (yes, both things!).  Add to this what I call a blindside phone call where I get lectured for something I did not do (and would not do) and I was ready to throw in the towel before the day had even begun.  Sometimes I think that the O.A.R. song "Shattered" should just be my theme song for the rest of the year, because that's how I feel most days.  So tired and not able to fight back - defeated.

The Mystery of the Missing FedEx/USPS Box: So I ordered yarn to make some baby blankets (should keep me busy for the rest of the month if I can find the time and energy to get started!) and it was due to arrive on the 5th. On the 6th I realized that I had come home and not seen a note saying my box had been delivered to the office.  I check online and sure enough the box was "delivered to recipient" on the 5th.  But since I'm the recipient and I did not have the box, I was left wondering who the hell had my yarn!  I stopped at the office this morning just to check, and sure enough it was there.  One of the office staff stated that she had seen them deliver it - which was all well and good, but it would have been nice to actually have gotten notification that it had arrived.Guess I'd better get a move on with the knitting.

Midterms - Continued: I'm hoping that I can sleep tonight after all of the midterm angst that I've been dealing with for the last two days.  The sad part about it is, that I'm not even the one who had to take the test or worry about my grade.  I find myself stressing out for my students and worrying about the ones who are struggling.  I don't know how to help them when they don't want to help themselves.  I'll find out next week if I've lost a couple of my students - I don't know how to feel about that.

Day 24: 10/5/11 - "Grenade"

"Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did"

-"Grenade" by Bruno Mars

Play...Repeat...Play...Repeat: I feel like most days are on a loop for me and not always a good loop.  It's like I'm going into a situation and I know exactly what is going to happen but I can only hope that it won't.  I think "maybe this time will be different."   But how many times have I said this just to watch the same thing happen again...and again....and again. 

The Chocolate Cake...was a hit!  The recipe is a keeper so I'll likely use it as a fall back any time I need to make a quick and easy chocolate cake.  Now I need to branch out and try some more flavors.  Lemon is on the top of my list, followed by an Oreo cake.  I guess I'm just still hoping that I'll one day be able to do this baking thing for a living (though I know in my heart that its not meant to be).  I wrote previously that I didn't have any dreams left, and for the most part I find it to be true.  But I think I'm clinging to this one because it will be the easiest one to let go when I realize it can never come true. The others are all harder.

Tomorrow: No, not the song.  I'm just thinking about all of the things I need to do tomorrow that should have been done weeks ago.  Deadlines are always coming up...new ones and old ones.  E-mails keep coming in that I don't have time to answer.  The phone keeps ringing.  The days keep going by faster and faster...and I keep getting further behind.  I'll have to use part of the time my class will be working on their midterms tomorrow to try to get ready for a 2:00 pm meeting.  Not fair to my students, perhaps, but I'm desperate.

Which Way Do I Go?  Anyone got any answers for me?  I'm again standing at a bit of a cross-roads right now, so I can likely go in any direction.  But whichever direction I choose, I want it to be the final one...

Day 23: 10/4/11 - "Where Do Broken Hearts Go"

"I've been around enough to know
That dreams don't turn to gold
And that there is no easy way
No you just can't run away..."

- "Where Do Broken Hearts Go" by Whitney Houston

Under Pressure: I seriously got a lot done today but don't know how when it was no different than any other day.  Maybe it was the deadlines looming that didn't really give me a choice of not finishing.  Maybe it was because I didn't get too many random phone calls later in the day like I usually do.  Or maybe I just half-assed my way through a lot of little things and felt accomplished.  Who knows!  I just know I feel like I have less to deal with tomorrow.  Of course, that usually means there will be more trouble to deal with tomorrow...

Baking...Again: This time it was for the monthly office birthday party.  I made a chocolate cake with chocolate icing.  The chocolate buttercream came out pretty good this time around.  Haven't made any in a while and last time I made it I had the worst time getting it to taste chocolaty enough.  I hope others enjoy it - as I'm baked out now (too much baking and not enough eating of the baked goods).

I think I've decided that the next thing I want to make is a lemon-lime cupcake.  I've always liked lemon cake and lemon cookies, so I think I'll give it a try.

Mid-term Creation: Creating a mid-term is a royal pain in the butt!  There is no other way to say it.  You have to write it out, format it properly, read it again...then again.  Then you have to get someone else to read it to see what you've left out.  Then you can try to give it to your students and hope it makes sense.  Then hope you don't cry when you are grading it.  I think I'll be crying....

Blue Jeans for a Week: I'm out of work clothes and refusing to do laundry, so I'm wearing jeans every day this week.  I'm waiting for someone to notice.  It's not like me to wear jeans on any day but Friday, but so far only one of my students said anything today: "I've never seen you wear jeans before.  You look good!"  Tomorrow is LMT so that will be the true test of whether anyone will notice.

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now: Stay tuned.  Those that know me know what I'm talking about.  

Day 17: 9/28/11 - "Who Knew"

"When someone said count your blessings now,
'Fore there long gone.
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong..."

- "Who Knew" by Pink

Unhappy Camper: That was me today - nothing made me happy and everything bothered me for one reason or another. Some things I think I was right to be bothered by. Other things I think I just let get to me (or maybe they just felt bigger than they were because of all of the other things). My list:

• Woke up with a headache and still shaky (like most mornings).
• Watch battery stopped working so I wound up being late for two appointments.
• Complaints from students related to other students eating/drinking in the library (and subsequently a near argument with someone else about it as I tried to explain what the problem was).
• Left ankle swollen after only half the day (Really? I didn't even do anything to it today!)
• Forget to plug in my phone and it dies and then it won't charge properly.
• Ran out of baking cups and butter so had to hit the store on the way home during the height of traffic and heat.
• Father called to let me know that the car dealership where I got his car again reneged on their deal of free oil changes. Now I'll have to call them tomorrow to complain and let them know that they've lost our business (like they'll care!).
• 2 new major things added to my "to do" list for work, when I'm already seriously behind.
  

I think that's enough. If I add all of the recurring things, I might as well call it the "Bitching Blog."

My Failure as a Teacher: I'm starting to feel like I'm not being a very good (effective) teacher for my students this year. My group is so homogenous and I'm used to having some more distinctive personalities. I can't decide if I'm being handcuffed by the syllabus and topics that I did not choose (I just teach them), or if I'm just not a very good teacher for this particular group of students. How do I keep them from failing and also not fail them at the same time? Conundrum.

Money Flies: I know they say that time flies, but lately I would say that money flies...as in out of my wallet and away from me. It's funny how these things all seem to happen at the same time. Large medical bills come in at the same times as my professional organization membership renewal, and my need to make my travel arrangements for conferences. have over $2,000 go out of your pocket at one time really hurts, even when some of it will come back eventually. I wonder what it's like for those who don't have money worries. Reminds me of a line from one of my favorite songs, "I Am" by Train:

"I never had a day when money didn't get in my way."

Apropos I think.

Book Ideas: I know, if I can't finish the books I'm working on already, why in the world would I want to start thinking about another book idea? But this one is different - it's not fiction, it's real life. And it's a perspective I don't think others would think of. I won't pitch it fully here (don't want someone else to try to take it away from me), but I will say that it could be a great documentary as well!

Home made Buttercream: I know I've said this before, but I need to say it again...I will never buy canned frosting again! I've made buttercream so many times now that it seems like second nature. And the quantity you get and the quality as well are so much better than the pre-made stuff. I don't know if others agree, but I know I'll always splurge on the butter and powdered sugar and make my own! Check out my Day 2 for the actual recipe.