Day 285: 6/22/12 - "Into the Ocean"

"Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be...

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm fallin' in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down..."

-"Into the Ocean" by Blue October

Pain Sucks: I'm making this a short post because all I remember from Friday was that I was in pain all day (though Saturday was slightly worse).  I also remember that I managed to dissolve advil by leaving it on a table next to a sweating bottle of ice.  That was a not so much fun experiment...I really needed that advil...

Day 258: 5/26/12 - "Where I Stood"

"I don't know what I've done

Or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey, you know me, it's all or none..."

-"Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins"

Done Asking Why: I used to ask myself "why me?" whenever bad things happened to me, but I'm done with asking that question.  There is no rhyme or reason for why things (both good and bad) happen to people.  They just do.  I'm not talking about the things we have control over.  I've gotten my life to the point where I am in control of the things that I can possibly control. Everything else I just have to deal with as it occurs.  Today the pain was so bad that I finally caved and put in a request for a doctor's appointment for the following week.  I kept hoping it was a temporary issue and that I could change something (my diet, my water intake, something) to make it better or at least tolerable.  But today proved that this is one of those things outside of my control. A cursory look online gave me the possible answer, one I suspected but was hoping would not be the cause.  I don't want to think about the possible implications of this issue - the future of continued pain, the possibility of surgery, the final nail in the coffin of one of my dreams.  All of those things are now partially outside of my control, and don't like that.  I won't ask why - there is no satisfactory answer anyway....

Best...Dream...Ever!!!  I felt so bad today I almost forgot to post about the dreams I woke up from this morning (before the pain started and the day went from good to crap in 0.005 seconds).  I dreamt I was "drafted" by the Texas Rangers and allowed to actually play in a game!  I was in uniform, warmed up with the other players, got a base hit (though the dream did not include the experience of being in the batter's box...just being on first base), and got to play left field.  Throughout the dream I kept thinking "this has to be a joke.  No way I get to play with the Rangers!"  And then I was thinking that this had to be a one day deal and that they would change their minds and I'd be booted soon.  I woke up from the dream with a smile on my face and a headache.  I decided to go back to sleep, figuring it was Saturday and I deserved to sleep in.  I was sad though, because I had not wanted the dream to end.  Strangeness of all that is strange - the dream continued.  It was the next day and I was sitting in Ron Washington's office.  He was chastising me for being late and for not being in my "practice gear."  I explained that I had thought yesterday was a joke and that I wasn't really part of the team and he laughed at me and set down a couple of piles of Rangers gear (tshirts and shorts) and told me to get changed for pre-game.  Just as I was about to change the room switched and instead of an office we were in a large conference room.  The gear that Ron had given me was still there and he was looking at me expectantly, but the rest of the team had come into the room.  I think they expected me to balk at changing in front of them, but I just shrugged, stripped, and put on my new Rangers tshirt and shorts.  I remember thinking how shocked the guys looked, but how I had earned their respect by acting like just one of the guys.  What a strange (crazy, weird, but also exciting!) dream.  Too bad when I woke up the second time I had a serious case of the shakes and was in pretty bad pain.  Oh well, I'll cling to my short-lived stint as a major league baseball player - even if only in my dreams...

Day 203: 4/1/12 - "Circle of Friends"

"But, I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else
it seems.
And I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else
it seems.

And being alone
is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's
the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's
the best way to be.
When I'm by myself
nobody else can say goodbye."

-"Circle of Friends" by Edie Brickell

I Don't Like the Heat: Today it had to be at least 90.  I really hope it was Mother Nature playing an April Fool's joke on us weather-wise, because if not, it is going to be one hella hot spring/summer/fall.  I actually managed to do some spring cleaning today and finished the guest room, guest bath, foyer laundry room, dining room, and kitchen.  Next weekend will be the living room, master bed, closet, and master bath.  Sadly, due to my habit of being a lazy slob, those spaces are complete train wrecks that will take another few hours of work...plus, it was just too darn hot today and I also had to fix dinner and lunch for the week.

Off to Bed with Aches and Pains: Ever had one of those days where everything just hurts but you aren't sick (flu)?  I'm having that today.  I swear, my hip, my back, my arms, my head, my neck, my stomach, my legs, my ankle, both feet, right knee.  Jeez...I think I'm out of body parts that can hurt, but I shouldn't say that too loud - I'm sure my body can find other ways to make me suffer.

Weekend Blues: I've really got to try to find something fun to do on the weekends.  This sitting around the house (even if I'm cleaning) is getting old and beyond boring.  I'd really rather have something to do other than worry about whether I should wash my hair or not (boring!).  And though I really like taking advantage of the Starz free preview, sitting around and watching TV is not what I had in mind either.

Day 153: 2/11/12 - "The Greatest Love of All"

"The greatest love, of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all..."

-"The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston (RIP)

Exercise Overkill: As I sit hit typing and noticing the pain in my legs, I realize that I slightly overdid it with the exercise today.  After I finished my 9 miles (and it was a tough nine miles - I took a different route, found the biggest hill I've eve tried to run up - had to walk part of it - and found a really great view of Texas), I came home, had a quick meal and then headed out to play tennis for a couple of hours.  I didn't do too badly at tennis today (I lost 6-4, 6-1) but I definitely ran out of steam in the 2nd set!  Needless to say, if I were playing tennis professionally, I'd never be crazy enough to run 9 miles before trying to play.  I did treat myself to frozen yogurt though - which I think was well earned!

RIP Whitney Houston: People pass, young and old, rich and poor, famous and unknown, but even I was shocked to hear of the death of Whitney Houston today.  I think I always loved Whitney, especially as a little girl.  My cousin reminded me of this - she even remembered how much I loved singing Whitney Houston songs.  I think its not just her age, but her talent and the downward slide she has been on for the past few years.  What a great talent...what talent wasted.  I hope she rests in peace and that her family can survive this.

Toothache!  I have a serious toothache that I think is actually due to my sinuses!  How awful since it doesn't react to heat or cold or pressure or anything - it just hurts!  And don't let me sneeze - it goes completely nuts!  Now I have to try to find a way to treat a toothache that doesn't want to react to the normal treatment measures I would use!

Day 55: 11/5/11 - "Make Yourself"

"If you let them make you, they'll make you paper mache

At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes

Then you crumble and blow away..."

- "Make Yourself" by Incubus

Pain!  I finished my run today.  Though they seem to be getting more painful as I go along, I know that if I don't get back to running regularly, there is no chance I'll lose the 25 pounds I've gained over the last year.  Today I didn't have my legs while I was running.  I knew it as soon as I set out, not even 1/4 mile into the run and my legs were aching and felt like jello.  I also realized that I felt slower (though a check of the clock told me that I had finished in a similar time as last week).  About twenty feet from the turn around point my left knee started hurting.  Feels like the knee cap is being hit with every stride.  I suspect that it is just arthritis beneath the knee cap (similar to what they cleaned up on my right knee while they were fixing my menisci).  Both my knees and my left hip and my legs are hurting mercilessly.  I want to take one of my anti-inflammatory pills but I'm not sure how it will interact with my thyroid medication.  I'll have to wait until I can get back to the doctor to find out.

No Dreams? I know that I must be dreaming when I sleep but for once I'm not remembering my dreams at all.  I don't know if this is good or bad, since I often have nightmares that I wish I could forget or dreams that are so beautiful and so close to what I want, that I find myself saddened when I wake up and realize that it was just a dream.  I guess you can't have it both ways - either you dream and get used to the idea of remembering them and deal with the bad ones.  Or you don't remember your dreams and you don't worry about it.

New Symptoms: So my newest symptoms are both odd and slightly alarming.  First, I've noticed that my eyes are bothering me more than usual.  I'll have to get that checked out soon so that I don't wind up with some sort of permanent damage.  The odd symptom has been a chance in my taste buds.  Things that used to take fine to me tend to taste sour.  I'm leaning towards preferring bland foods (not something I would normally say) and my sweet tooth is turning into a savory tooth as I crave salty things over sweet things.  Not sure if this is truly related to the medicine or if I'm just being quirky...

Day 18: 9/29/11 - "The Crow and the Butterfly"

"Man, I'm getting older
I took all your pictures off the wall
and wrapped them in a news paper blanket
I haven't slept in what seems like a century,
and now I can barely breathe"

- "The Crow and the Butterfly" by Shinedown

Vegan Vs. Vegetarian: Yes, I know what the difference is but sometimes things slip through the cracks, like when a student is too embarrassed to say anything in front of her class because everyone else is excited about the free pizza they are getting for lunch. So, what does her instructor do? I take her down to the Subway which is downstairs and buy her vegan sandwich. Thank goodness for Subway! I wanted to post a picture of my class but didn't want to do anything that might embarrass them without their permission. They looked so cute posing for their picture...and so young. Check out the pic to see all that was left of the pizza (all that I could wrest from their greedy, grubby little hands).

From the Hip: I'm seriously not liking this pain I'm starting to feel in my left hip. The pain seems to get worse after I sit down for a long time and is sharpest when I try to get up. It takes a while for me to work the "kinks" out and even after moving around for a while, I still feel a dull ache. Starting to think this is something that is going to need to be checked out soon!

Biological Clocks: Yep, mine is ticking...but it has been for quite some time now. What I'm thinking about now is whether or not it ticks slower as you get older (as if it will stop soon), or if it ticks faster (as if it is racing until it stops). Either one is a daunting thought (and depressing as well). All I can really do is wait and see what life has in store for me. A biological clock that will just one day stop ticking or one that will always tick on, even in my memories, as a way of haunting me (think Captain Hook from Peter Pan).