"I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey, you know me, it's all or none..."
-"Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins"
Done Asking Why: I used to ask myself "why me?" whenever bad things happened to me, but I'm done with asking that question. There is no rhyme or reason for why things (both good and bad) happen to people. They just do. I'm not talking about the things we have control over. I've gotten my life to the point where I am in control of the things that I can possibly control. Everything else I just have to deal with as it occurs. Today the pain was so bad that I finally caved and put in a request for a doctor's appointment for the following week. I kept hoping it was a temporary issue and that I could change something (my diet, my water intake, something) to make it better or at least tolerable. But today proved that this is one of those things outside of my control. A cursory look online gave me the possible answer, one I suspected but was hoping would not be the cause. I don't want to think about the possible implications of this issue - the future of continued pain, the possibility of surgery, the final nail in the coffin of one of my dreams. All of those things are now partially outside of my control, and don't like that. I won't ask why - there is no satisfactory answer anyway....
Best...Dream...Ever!!! I felt so bad today I almost forgot to post about the dreams I woke up from this morning (before the pain started and the day went from good to crap in 0.005 seconds). I dreamt I was "drafted" by the Texas Rangers and allowed to actually play in a game! I was in uniform, warmed up with the other players, got a base hit (though the dream did not include the experience of being in the batter's box...just being on first base), and got to play left field. Throughout the dream I kept thinking "this has to be a joke. No way I get to play with the Rangers!" And then I was thinking that this had to be a one day deal and that they would change their minds and I'd be booted soon. I woke up from the dream with a smile on my face and a headache. I decided to go back to sleep, figuring it was Saturday and I deserved to sleep in. I was sad though, because I had not wanted the dream to end. Strangeness of all that is strange - the dream continued. It was the next day and I was sitting in Ron Washington's office. He was chastising me for being late and for not being in my "practice gear." I explained that I had thought yesterday was a joke and that I wasn't really part of the team and he laughed at me and set down a couple of piles of Rangers gear (tshirts and shorts) and told me to get changed for pre-game. Just as I was about to change the room switched and instead of an office we were in a large conference room. The gear that Ron had given me was still there and he was looking at me expectantly, but the rest of the team had come into the room. I think they expected me to balk at changing in front of them, but I just shrugged, stripped, and put on my new Rangers tshirt and shorts. I remember thinking how shocked the guys looked, but how I had earned their respect by acting like just one of the guys. What a strange (crazy, weird, but also exciting!) dream. Too bad when I woke up the second time I had a serious case of the shakes and was in pretty bad pain. Oh well, I'll cling to my short-lived stint as a major league baseball player - even if only in my dreams...
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