Another Dream Dies

Over the years, especially recently, I've watched a number of my dreams just die.  Not be pushed to the wayside, with the hope that one day I could revive them.  But totally gone, dead, and fading into nothingness.  Some of these dreams have been easier to let go than others.  And over the years I've formed fewer and fewer new dreams because I didn't want to deal with the pain that comes along with the loss.

About 6 months ago I allowed myself to dream again, and I dreamed big.  I went into this dream knowing full well that the odds were against me.  But I stupidly allowed myself to dream fully.  Today I found out that this newest dream was now dead.  Some have told me to not give up and to continue to dream - I'll find away. But I know this song, and I've danced this dance.  The finality is heart wrenching.  The pain is real.

This one is hurting more than I had thought and more than I know how to deal with. I realize now that I had gone so long, refusing to allow myself to dream, that I have lost my natural ability to just let it go.  I feel the stabbing pain of daggers being plunged into my heart.  I hear the sound of laughter as I lay on the floor bleeding.  I can no longer block it out and the pain in my head is very much real. 

I'm now in the coping phase - stages of grief happen for dreams as well.  But I'm not coping very well.  I'll likely be singing a lot (if you don't know, that is what I do - and I sing really sad songs, really badly).  Here is today's sad song and my sad voice trying to carry it along.  Listen at your own risk.  Maybe tomorrow won't be so bad...

Day 168: 2/26/12 - "Around Here"

"Around here, we always stand up straight

Round here, something radiates..."

-"Around Here" by The Counting Crows

The Voice: I know I'm not a singer, but I would love to have the chance to be on a show like The Voice.  The Voice truly gives people who love to sing the chance to be heard by four amazing artists who have different tastes in music.  I have to admit that there are times when I disagree with them and think they either should turn around or not have turned around, but I do feel that I'm impacted by the very thing that they aren't, and that's the back story of the person and how they look.  I know I'd never be anyone's idea of a music superstar based on how I look, and no doubt I wouldn't really wow them with my voice, but to have a chance!  There are times when I sing when even I realize I sound really good...and then there are times when I sounds like something that is dying a slow painful death.  But to have a chance...

Day 144: 2/2/12 - "The Man Who Can't Be Moved"

"'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

So I'm not moving
I'm not moving"

-"The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script

Is Luck Real?  I ask myself this question all the time and many of my friends ask me the same thing.  Why am I asking this question today?  Because I won a Kindle Fire from a random drawing of webinar participants and all of my FB friends said "you always win."  I think they are right in some ways, but I think it has less to do with luck and more to do with making sure that I always enter things.  They say you can't win if you don't play, so I extend this to you can't win if you don't enter!  I'll tell you what I think of the Kindle Fire when I get it.  I'm still waiting on the company to contact me to arrange to have it shipped here. I must say that I've been wanting an e-reader, but I've been refusing to buy one, so again something works out in my favor to manage to get one into my possession.  Of course, now I have to buy books for it...but I can live with that!

Benadryl Makes Me Have Bad Dreams: I've decided this is the case since I followed my first night of nightmares with another nightmare.  I didn't post it the next day as I normally would have - likely because I was trying to decide if it was maybe worthy of a sci-fi story.  Here goes my strange dream from the 2nd night I took Benadryl.  I was part of an elite military team that ran across something buried in the middle of a desert.  The problem was that we didn't know what the thing was that we had found and we also didn't know where the desert had come from since it didn't appear on any map.  We decided to move the item out of the desert and as we got closer to what appeared to be a forest we notice that there are clouds rolling in.  Suspect a major storm, we look up and as lightening flashes we realize that what we thought was a cloud is really an alien vessel!  It had an odd shape, sort of like a misshapen head and it had long tentacles hanging from it.  It was a dark greyish black color (which allowed it to blend in with the clouds).  We started racing for the trees since we figured it was after whatever we found and all of a sudden the giant black, spider-like things start coming down from the trees to attack us.  We scramble away from them, up a hill into another sandy area (not desert, just sandy) and as one of the black "spiders" lands on the sand, a worm-like creature comes out of the ground and eats it!  We weren't afraid of the worms, though we were very afraid of the aliens and the spiders.  I woke up at this point thinking that I really should never take Benadryl ever again!

Miss Celie, I Feels Like Singing!  I always laughed  little at that scene in The Color Purple as Shug Avery runs to the juke joint to sing.  Today I finally realized that my laughter wasn't at Shug, but with her as I always feel like singing.  Even as I sit here and type I have Pandora running and I'm singing as I type.  Even though I'm fighting coughing fits and laryngitis, I feel like singing.  Even when I'm sad and ready to cry, I feel like singing a sad song.  Even when I'm angry and ready to scream, I feel like singing.  I may not be good and I may never be a professional, but like Shug, I Feels Like Singing!

Day 106 - 12/26/11 - "Runaway"

"I'm gonna pack my bags

And never look back..."

-"Runaway" by Love & Theft

Musically Lacking: Today I got to experience what it was like to try to record a song and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm not cut out to be a singer. I'm barely even cut out to be a back up singer.  Others tell me that I sound good but I don't hear it.  At least I know that if my brother can get someone else to play the song it will likely be a hit - it's a great song...I'm just not a great singer.

Spending Time with Dad: It's been fun spending time with my dad (as usual).  I just wonder how many more of these opportunities I'll have living so far away from him.  I really need to look at moving closer so that we can enjoy our time together.

Day 82: 12/02/11 - "I Dare You"

"I dare you to tell me to walk through fire
Wear my soul and call me a liar"

-"I Dare You" by Shinedown

Whirlwind: Today was a true whirlwind of activity.  Once I got to work I didn't stop moving until I came home at 7:00.  Of course I still don't know what I did all day and I still didn't get through all of my e-mails.  But I know that I did something today because I'm tired!

Newest Symptoms: Today I got a new symptom related to what I think is a hip issue.  My left foot started going numb and tingling while I was standing at the Information desk today.  I had to move around and then flex my foot to get things to start feeling normal but I didn't like the feeling.  Even once the tingling stopped I noticed that my ankle and foot were both hurting a little.  I'm going to have to keep an eye on this over the next few days and let my doctor know about it as soon as I have my follow up.

Not Good Enough: I'm still working on the song my brother wants me to sing and I'm still not good enough to be recorded.  I'm getting the lyrics down though (which is important).  I'm just not sure about the speed of the song - it's fast enough that I feel I'm struggling to make the song lyrical. The flow is slightly off I think - I may suggest to my brother that we slow it down a bit.  I'm not sure how he'll feel about that though, and it is his song.  I'm sure a better singer would be able to handle the quick tempo and still sound great.

Day 19: 9/30/11 - "Let Her Cry"

"Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be..."

-"Let Her Cry" by Hootie & the Blowflish

Tennis: I'll start here tonight since I was so happy to finally get a chance to get back out there and play again. I struggled with my shots as usual, but for some reason it was my forehand that gave me more trouble than anything else. My backhand wasn't terrible and my serve was okay (only 1 double fault). I lost 6-0, 6-2 but I played the entire match and I competed this time. I had my friend Del take a picture of me "in action" so that I could post it. It was nice to get out there and do something fun and healthy (though I'm sure my aching bones might disagree with the "healthy" claim). Note the terrible footwork I'm displaying in this picture...but check out the cool headband!

Bundled Registration: So just when I'm thinking I won't be shelling out any more money in big chunks for a while, I remember that I have to register for ALA today or I'll lose the bundled savings. So out comes the credit card again to pay for something I won't even be "using" until June 2012! How annoying is that? And then I notice that not only has the bundled priced gone up, but ALA won't be printing and sending out badges this year. We'll have to print them when we get to the conference. So if we're saving by not printing and mailing badges, what's up with the increased rates?

The Sing Off: I really love this show and hate that some groups aren't going to make it (but that's the nature of competition). I'll keep watching unlike other reality shows that I can't stand, but I'll be sad to see some of these people go. I also had this great idea that my brother should get a group together to do something like this. Now, acappella isn't his thing, but he can arrange and mix music like no one else. If he could find the right mixture of people I know he could put out a great product. I'll have to mention it to him when I go home for the holidays.