Day 7: 9/18/11 - "Reflection"

"Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time.
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside...."

-"Reflection" by Christina Aguilera

One Week: Today means that I've officially made it one week since my birthday. I know this doesn't seem like a big deal, and I know that time hasn't slowed down or sped up in any way, but this week seemed to drag on forever, but once the weekend arrived, I felt as if I needed/wanted more time. To do what? Nothing actually, but that's not the point. What I'm noticing is that I find myself dragging no matter what day of the week it is. Today I tried to do some of the normal things I always do and I find myself tired only a few hours into the day. I'm wondering when this will all end.

Chili: Though fall is officially not here yet (and with this being Texas, there is a chance that fall won't arrive for a while) I decided to make chili today. Nothing special, just black beans, garbanzo beans, lentils, chicken breast, tomatoes, shredded zucchini, red onion thrown into a pot with some seasoning. It doesn't taste bad but it will taste better if I let it sit for a couple of days. So I'll wait until Wednesday to give it a real try.

Trying to Catch Up: I can honestly say that I've never felt this far behind in my work ever before. I find myself fighting moments of rising panic when my brain tries to remind me that I've got so many things to get done, all with deadlines. It happened on Friday morning when I was sitting in a meeting. I was sitting there taking notes and listening to my colleague when all of a sudden I felt my heart jump and speed up as the thought crossed my mind - "I really need to get back to work, I have so much to do!" This has been happening nearly every day now for the past 3 weeks. I shouldn't be surprised, but I do know that I cannot go on like this. I'm either going to have a nervous breakdown or I'm going to burn out (they aren't the same thing, in case you are wondering, though they may seem similar). I'll try to go back to the "one thing at a time" mentality tomorrow but it didn't seem to work last week, so not sure how useful it will be this week.

Talking to Friends: I had the chance to chat with a good friend today and was reminded again of how much I hate talking on the phone (not because of her - I actually do like talking to her!). There is something about being on the phone that just drives me crazy and I want to do anything else. It doesn't matter who I'm talking to - mom, dad, friend, bill collector - all I can do is think about what I'm not doing because I'm on the phone (like today, I was thinking about the cleaning, cooking, and grading that I needed to get done).

Stormy Weather: A thunderstorm rolled through tonight - they usually frighten me but since this one was bringing rain, so I didn't really pay as much attention to the rumbling and flashes of lightening as I usually do. Don't get me wrong, I noticed them, but I didn't get as jumpy as I usually do. Wonder what that is all about?

Day 6: 9/17/11 - "King of Anything"

"All my life I've tried
To make everybody happy while I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide"

-"King of Anything" by Sara Bareilles

College Football Saturday: I sit here trying to type out this post while I watch the Oklahoma/Florida State game on TV. For those who know me, I'm a huge college football fan and as an Oklahoma alumna, I of course and highly focused on this game. At the start of this post it is the 4th quarter and Oklahoma is up 13 - 6. But it's not the game I wan to focus on but rather two things that happened during two games that really bothered me. The first happened during the Tennessee/Florida game. One of the Tennessee players was in on a hit and must have had his bell rung. The announcers saw it and those of us watching saw it as he struggled to stand up and clearly was not even sure what was going on. But he was allowed to stay in the game and line up for the next play. What happened to all of the talk about being careful about these kids getting concussions? The second happened in the OU/FSU game where FSU's quarterback clearly had an injured shoulder, indicated it to the sideline and they left him in the game! I'm concerned about the lack of concern shown for both of these players. Players shouldn't have to get knocked out cold to be pulled from a game and checked out! And *sigh* - FSU just scored a touchdown: 13 - 13.

Exercise and Energy: I had hoped to be out playing tennis this morning but my tennis partner texted me to let me know that they had gotten about 2 hours of rain that morning and he was going to go check the courts. Sure enough, the courts looked like a swimming pool and my tennis playing dreams were dashed. This meant I had to get up and go to the fitness center instead and with my knees already hurting, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to burn as many calories as I felt I need to. I wound up doing a 3 mph inclined walk for 30 minutes, jogging 2.5 km in 20 minutes, and using the elliptical for 30 minutes. Not ideal but I think it definitely burned the calories that I wanted to burn. Of course now my knees definitely hurt and so does my ankle, and my left hip, and my legs in general feel like too tired tree stumps. I also have absolutely no energy at all and haven't all day. What happened to the endorphins that used to kick in when I worked out? Why don't they work any more?

Online Dating: So, like many others, I tried online dating when I came to Texas. I decided to use Match.com since I had heard good things about it and it was fairly affordable. I had tried e-harmony in the past and never liked it, so Match seemed to be my best option. (Game Update: Touchdown Oklahoma!) I started Match in October 2010 and after 6 months I earned the 6-month free guarantee. How did I do that? Easy, I went 6 months without actually meeting anyone despite contacting people each month. So I figured that with 6 months of free service, I was bound to meet someone, right? Nope! (Game Update: Oklahoma wins!) I did not get one realistic contact or date the entire time I've been on Match. Did I get contacted? Yes...by people in Canada, Pennsylvania, California, France, and Italy...people who had no intention of ever coming to Texas for any reason and I know I wasn't planning on going to where they lived anytime soon. The few that were close to home weren't serious or completely ignored the fact that we weren't a match at all...in no ways. Why contact someone that is the exact opposite of what you are looking for especially when you are the exact opposite of what they are looking for? So, the whole point of this part of the entry is that I cancelled my Match subscription and Match nicely said "Hate to see you go, but you still have 17 days to find the one!" Really? You expect me to find someone in 17 days when I couldn't in 348? I don't look any different, nor has anything else on my profile changed. It was so funny I actually forgot to laugh!

Holiday Plans: My mom reminded me that I need to get my plane ticket home for Thanksgiving. I hope I can get a decent ticket but something tells me its going to be pretty steep and I might wind up flying home on Thanksgiving Day (can we say travel nightmare?).

Unfinished Business: In the hopes of not feeling as useless as I have lately, I actually attempted to work on my afghan today. It's hard to get myself to do much of anything on most days so I was really proud of myself when I actually managed to work on 3 of the squares today. Now if I could just get myself to work on Angel of Mercy....

Day 5: 9/16/11 - "Red"

"They say freak,
When you're singled out,
The red, well it filters through."

-"Red" by Chevelle

Rain, Rain, Wish You'd Stay. Stay, Stay for Another Day. I know that's not the real rhyme, but if you've been in Texas for the last year, then you know we need the rain. Today it rained and it was wonderful to watch and walk in. Then it was gone. Not sure if it helped our aquifer, but it couldn't hurt. As I thought about all of the sunshine and the heat that we've had lately, I started to wonder about SAD. When I lived in Seattle, people kept telling me to keep an eye out for the symptoms since technically they get so little sun there. But I never struggled. I started to wonder if I would have trouble with the opposite situation - too much sun! I do think that has been a part of why I've struggled with the big D so much recently. I mean, does the sky have to be so freaking blue all of the time? Can't I even just get a cloudy day (even if it doesn't rain)? And WTF is up with the multiple 100 degree days? I know what you're going to say...I moved to Texas, so I get what I deserve. I can only hope the weather breaks soon...before I do.

First the Right, Now the Left? I managed to make it through another 5k this morning, but my right knee is now barking. It doesn't feel like my left one did (the one with the torn meniscus) but it still hurts on stairs and bending. I'll have to keep an eye on it. I think watching my body breaking down has been the most annoying (and disheartening) part of aging. I know it is natural, but I think I'm aging prematurely and I hate it.

Beware the Cantaloupe. My father called this morning while I was on the treadmill and asked me if I had bought any cantaloupe recently. I told him know, I hate cantaloupe. he was very relieved...he worries about me now and often calls me any time there is a recall. Especially on things he knows I love, like ground turkey. I'm not surprised he forgot that I don't eat cantaloupe (my mother loves it), since I eat most things and love watermelon.

Helping the Lost. My staff member called me out to the desk today at nearly 5pm. I was already thinking that I might make it out of the office by 5:30 (which would be a real coup for me!). Instead, I met a student who was new to our country and struggling with the usual issues that student's have...roommates. I spent over an hour trying to help her figure out what to do (without giving her real advice since that's not part of my job). If you are wondering why I even bothered, its because I know on one level what she is going through (being far from home with no family). I at least could speak and understand the language well. She speaks fairly well but struggles to convey what she really feels. I sent her on her way with a plan and I hope it works for her. I honestly don't know what her other options might be (she said she tried to talk to counseling services but they didn't help her). She may just be out of luck. I almost said to her, "That's life" but thought that I would sound too callous.

Every Day. I took my last pill this morning and luckily I had remembered last night to call in my refill, but even as I drove home, I kept thinking "how sad I have to stop and get my pills so that I don't skip a day." Just another reminder of just what I've lost.

Day 4: 9/15/11 - "Hurt"

"You could have it all

My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way..."

-"Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails

There are days where you should just take the hint and go back to bed. Today was one of those days, though it didn't end too badly. Here's the recap:

I woke up with a pounding in my head and a stomach ache (bad omen #1), but I still made myself hit the gym...no excuses allowed. It took me longer than I expected to do my cardio, so of course I was running late, and my headache hadn't let up. I rush back to my apartment and start to pack my lunch and make my breakfast when I discover that my milk has soured (bad omen #2). So on a day where the temperature will be over a hundred, where the apartment is already pushing 90 degrees and where I'm rushed, I have to make oatmeal so that I'll have something to eat. I put the water on to boil, hit the shower (why wait for water to boil?), rush back to the kitchen and pour the oatmeal into the boiling water...and miss...getting some of the oatmeal under the eye. Yuck!!!! The smell of burning oatmeal is not pleasant! (bad omen #3). I gulp down the warm cereal, get dressed, fix the hair, grab the work bag, and head out the door, already 30 minutes behind schedule. Then I see my car...being watered by the sprinkler system at the apartment complex (bad omen #4). Not only is it a waste of water but the water is pour directly over the driver's side door...Yay, a 2nd shower for me!

Best Researcher Activity: I did get to have a little fun today as I had my students play a game to work on their research skills. The only downside? I get to grade...and grade...and grade some more this weekend! It was nice to try my hand at another "learn to do research" game and the students really got into it (could have been the extra points that were on the line!). I'm already thinking about what I can cover next Thursday and how to make it fun. It's startling how I'm finding my return to being a teacher to be the most fulfilling thing I'm doing right now. Even as I struggle with some of my students, I still stay positive and know that it will all work out. I hope I still have even this sliver of optimism as the semester continues.

Elsewhere on the Not Quiet Front: I'm still struggling with the merging of different areas in the library. We have so many things not working right that I'm finding it impossible to see what is working right. I'm hoping to get everything to an even keel soon so that new things, changes, improvement, whatever you want to call it, can start to take place. I just fear I'm going to run out of time...

New Name, Same Old Department: I'm mulling over the sort of "new" department name that we may be using soon. Not sure if I like it (though I don't dislike it). Just mostly wondering if the change is truly necessary and whether anyone , except for us internally, will even care. I'll just have to keep trying "Information Services & Student Engagement" out for a while. Wonder if it will stick?

Scavenger Hunts: I'm planning on having my students do my special "Murder Mystery Scavenger Hunt" as a treat some time this semester. Not sure when but I will surprise them - if they earn it! But while I was planning mine, some of my students participated in the LC's Sustainability Scavenger Hunt. I didn't expect them to win, but I was happy they wanted to participate. I get a call at 2:05 from one of my students in a panic. "Where are you? We need help!" I told her to come over to the library - I wanted to see what was going on. Sure enough, they had a list of questions and wanted me to answer them. I refused (you know me, Ms. Goody Two Shoes), but I did show them how to search for information on the University's site. Once I got them going I watched them interact and work together. They started out so frustrated and I thought they would quit, but they surprised me and kept working at a rapid pace and then headed off to finish up what they could.

I finished my next meeting and as I'm heading back downstairs one of my staff members says "There is a group of girls here to see you...I think they are part of the spirit squad or something." Spirit Squad? Why in the world would they be coming to see me. Then it hit me..."Are they wearing the same shirt?" Yes. It's my students...uh oh...they must not have won. I go out to the desk to see what was going on and they are smiling...they actually won the scavenger hunt! Of course, it wasn't that simple and there was some controversy and a strange story that is not meant for here. But I was very proud of them (and they will have the ultimate gratitude of the rest of the class since the prize is a pizza party!). Congrats to the Pretty Runners (yep, that's the name they picked).

Not a bad way to finish up the day, even as I stared balefully at the expensive KIC scanner that we just purchased and that has stopped working...again. Maybe it will rain tomorrow - we definitely need it.

Day 3: 9/14/11 - "Many the Miles"

"There's too many things that I haven't done yet Too many sunsets I haven't seen You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down You would've thought by now I'd have learned something"

-"Many the Miles" by Sara Bareilles

This song helps me when I'm working out - has a nice beat and I find it motivating. I've also found that I'm a huge Sara Bareilles fan in general, but some songs just speak to me. This is one of them. I'm also a huge fan of "Love on the Rocks" and "King of Anything." I'm looking forward to seeing her on The Sing Off this year as a judge (since I know she'll get to perform as well).

But back to business. How was my day? I can call it so-so. Nothing got destroyed but I didn't accomplish anything either. I also find that my cynicism levels seem to be ratcheting up at astronomical levels. I really need to work on that! I woke up sad again (no difference there) but I did sleep 6 hours straight (miracle of all miracles). I was again reminded of my new dependence on medicine when I noticed I have only one pill left of my synthetic thyroid hormone. I'll have to get it refilled tomorrow...if I remember. I may have to investigate HEB's automatic refill program - could be what I need to keep me on track.

I set out to clean my desk off this morning and found myself only able to stack things up in a new location (is shifting a type of cleaning?). I'm worried that things will start to pile up and I won't be able to find anything. I also attended 4 different meetings and planned for my students' library session tomorrow. Since I'm no longer worried about teaching as part of a research study that I was originally part of, I've decided to let my students learn through gaming - something I prefer to do if I can.

Fun and Games. So I checked out the "Let the Games Begin" book that I have a chapter in (along with a good friend), and I think I'm going to try to modify and use one of the games for researching. I will, of course, post more about this tomorrow and let you know how it goes. I really hope they have a good time and learn while doing this activity. I watch them now and realize just how far away from my own freshman year I am, and just how far I was away from these students even then. I would not have fit in with them - I have trouble understanding them - and I struggle to help them to be successful. Sometimes I fight the urge to just let them fail...that's how I was raised.

Is Failure Good? Trying to figure out if failure is a good thing is likely one of those questions that has bothered a number of people for a number of years. I know some people believe that failure can be good - that it can teach someone how to be stronger. But I've also seen people fail and not bounce back. What of those people? What if I could have prevented their failure (at whatever activity)? Where does my responsibility end, especially when talking about students in my class? I don't have an answer, but maybe one day I will.

My Own Failures: I have too many to list but once I started this post, I realized that I needed to write some of them down, so here goes:

• I have yet to finish any of the books I've been writing. (Sorry HDC!)
• I have not finished the giant afghan I've been working on for 2 years now. (Sorry Sweetings!)
• I've failed at being a good daughter, sister, and friend. I'm a terrible friend by the way, just in case some of you are wondering.
• I'm too selfish (is this a failing or just a bad character trait?).
  
• I've failed at maintaining my weight loss and healthy lifestyle (up 27 pounds...not sure if I will ever lose it).
• I've failed at playing tennis.
• I've failed at my quest to always be honest with others and myself. This might be my biggest failing, so I don't think I need to go any further since this pretty much encompasses a lot of things that I've failed at.

So Why Are You Running Away? I ran a 5k this morning...on the treadmill...in 37 minutes and 27 seconds. My best clocked time ever in a 5k is 31 flat. I wonder if I'll ever get back there? I can honestly say that I'm hurting a lot after this run and my knee and ankle both don't appreciate the bad treatment I've given them. I'll just have to ignore them and keep going...or risk being up more than 27 pounds. But will my body hold up to allow me to lose the weight in the only way I know how (by running)? Only time will tell.

Day 2: 9/13/11 - "Drown"

"So soon you will learn to forget
Bad times, the rules and regrets
One day they won’t reach out for you"

-"Drown" by Carolina Liar

Sometimes songs follow me, and as I listen to the lyrics I often feel as if they are speaking to me or for me. This was the case both yesterday on the way home from work and today, on the way in to work, as "Drown" by Carolina Liar was playing on my satellite radio. I have to say that I enjoy Carolina Liar, so I'm not surprised that I liked this song as well.

What a strange day! Today was a teaching day, and my students had to present their summer projects. Needless to say, they ranged from artsy to intellectual, but overall, they were very thoughtful! A few of my students did collages, and a couple did dioramas (I had to ask someone what this was since I didn't know). I find that I get most of joy these days from being with my students. They make me laugh, and sometimes they make me want to cry. But no matter what, they make me care - and this is what I think has been missing for me lately.
Cupcakes, Cupcakes Everywhere - And Plenty to Eat! To treat my students I also made them cupcakes today. The requests were for chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry (Neapolitan cupcakes - go figure!), so I made them all from scratch. And then, surprise!, one of my students made me cupcakes, with sprinkles since yesterday was my birthday. Thanks Nancy - they were delicious!

And for those who are health-conscious (as I am), I did bring some fresh fruit for those students who didn't want to cupcakes.

Chocolate Cupcakes

2 cups sugar
3/4 cup cocoa
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
2 eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 cup boiling water
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 cup milk
2 tsp vanilla

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and line cupcake pans with baking liners. In the mixer, combine the dry ingredients and combine. Add in the eggs, vegetable oil, milk, and vanilla, and mix well. Pour in the boiling water and stir. The batter will be thin. Pour into prepared pans and bake for 18 - 22 minutes. Remove from oven and cool in pan for a few minutes, then remove and cool on wire racks.

Strawberry Cupcakes
24 oz of strawberries
1-2 tsp sugar
1/4 cup milk at room temperature
6 large egg whites at room temperature
1 tbsp vanilla extract
2 1/4 cup cake flour
1 3/4 cup sugar
4 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1 1/2 sticks butter, softened

If strawberries were not frozen or saved from before, slice and toss lightly with 1-2 tsp of sugar. Allow to sit out for 2 hours to allow them to form some juice. Place into blender or food processor and puree. You'll use about 3/4 cup of this puree in the batter.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line cupcake pan with liners.
Combine the strawberry puree, milk, eggs, vanilla, and mix with a fork. Put the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt into the mixer and combine on low. Add the butter until the mixture resembles moist crumbs. Add the liquids and beat at medium speed for 1 minute or until fully mixed. Then hand beat the batter for 30 seconds. Pour into prepared pans and bake for 20 - 25 minutes. You can use the rest of the puree on the cakes before you ice them, or reserve and use later.

Remove from oven and let cool in pans for about 10 minutes. Then remove to wire racks.

Vanilla Cupcakes
1/2 cup butter, at room temperature
2/3 cup sugar
3 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp sat
1/4 cup milk.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and line a cupcake pan with liners. Beat the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add in the eggs one at a time. Beat in the vanilla. Whisk the flour, baking powder, and salt together in a separate bowl. Add the flour and the milk alternately in 3 additions, flour - milk - flour (ending with flour). Batter will be fairly thick. Spoon batter into prepared pans and bake for 15 to 20 minutes.

Basic Buttercream Icing

Now that I've learned how to make buttercream, I flat out hate buying icing at the store. This basic recipe produces a very nice batch of buttercream every time I make it.

1 cup softened butter (unsalted)
3 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 tbsp boiled, hot water
1tsp vanilla extract

Beat the butter until it is soft and fluffy (the amount of time will depend on a number of things, including the temperature and where you live, so it could take 2 minutes or 5 minutes or more). Add in the sugar, hot water, and vanilla extract and beat until pale and creamy. It usually takes me a good 5 to 10 minutes to get the buttercream to the consistency I like.

The Perils of Driving to Work

So after loading up the cupcakes (I only iced the strawberry ones before going to work), I was driving very carefully so that I did not upset the cupcakes. But alas, how I drive isn't important - it is how others drive. And someone not paying attention and tailgating managed to nearly cause a 3 car pile-up (with me as the 3rd car). Luckily I was watching and started braking very early. But when I got to work, of course the cupcakes had flipped upside down in their container. The only good news? The buttercream held up and I didn't lose any! I finished icing the others at work (so much easier and less mess). The students enjoyed them and my colleagues got the left overs.

So Where Am I At Today?

Sorry to say that I didn't wake up happy this morning. I'm trying to monitor this so that I don't take my anger or sadness in to work. Luckily the students gave me a burst of energy that lasted about an hour. Then I found myself exhausted and dragging out of the door at 6:30 pm, feeling like I was even further behind than when I started that day. It's mostly an illusion but I know some of it is real. I'll try not to let this feeling get to me as well. Day 2 has been survived. On to day 3.

Day 1: 9/12/2011 - Why My Birthday Means It's Time For a Change

So already I'm breaking my own "resolution" to post to this blog every day for a year. I'll do two posts today, to make up for the lack of a post on my official "1st" day.

So yesterday was my birthday, and though I normally don't bother to truly celebrate (sometimes friends will drag me out), I realized yesterday that this is the 2nd birthday that I'm truly spending alone. The other one doesn't count because I was driving up to Seattle to start school and I really had no choice...it was also the day after 9/11. Needless to say, I was hit hard by this fact and was nearly swamped by overwhelming feelings of isolation, desolation, and just plain old sadness.

Now, I can try to blame a number of things for these feelings:

1. I was exactly 1 month removed from major surgery.
2. This surgery left me with the need to take medication for the rest of my life and my body is just not used to the medication yet.
3. I'm stressed from work.
4. I miss my family.

I could go on, but I think you get the point. With all of that said, what I realized is that I truly just have too much weighing on my mind right now.

What to Do, What to Do? I have no easy solution for myself to pull myself up and out of the dumps. Used to be I could just go for a run, and bam! the endorphines would kick in. But, still recovering from surgery and dealing with a bum knee and ankle, that's just not an option any more. I honestly don't know what to do, but I can say that I know I need to get some of this off of my chest. So, for the first time in over 20 years, I'm going to try journaling. But why am I using a public blog to do this? Not sure, call it my cry for help. Call it my need to have others understand. Or, just call it a convenient way for me to vent. What I do know is that I'll not always be venting, or crying, or sad. Some days I hope to be hopeful, and happy, and also posting fun things (including recipes!).

Plus, who's reading this anyway?

I think this is long enough for the first official post. Might as well close it fully:

"Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday Dear Kawanna, Happy Birthday to Me."