Day 68: 11/18/11 - "These Days"

"I wake up and tear drops they fall down like rain..."

-"These Days" by Rascal Flatts

To Go or Not: A friend gave me two tickets to the football game tomorrow.  It's UTSA's last one and I'm trying to decide if I want to go.  I originally turned her down because I knew I didn't have anyone to share the other ticket with and I didn't want to waste it, but she insisted that I should take it. I do want to go - it would be nice to see UTSA play a football game in this inaugural season.  But I'm already dreading the thought of trying to get downtown and the cost and the time.  Is it worth it?  Maybe I'll let the weather decide - if it is cold and rainy I'll stay put.  If it is nice, I'll go?

I Asked the Same Question!  I found it funny that someone asked me today why I was the one in charge of a new project. I laughed out loud and tried to explain to her what I felt the reasoning was.  But despite my explanation, we were both left shaking our head because it just didn't make sense.  I'm hoping I'm not the only one who realizes how ridiculous it is.  Don't they realize how much extra work it will take for me to get things together as one of the people least connected to the project?  Guess I'll just add it to the mounting pile of s*it I'm being asked to do.  Here's me, waiting for something to grow...

Day 37: 10/18/11 - "Big Girls Don't Cry"

"...But I've got to get a move on with my life.

It's time to be a big girl now

And big girls don't cry..."

- Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

Anything More than 10 Hours is Too Much: I wound up working a 13 hour day today.  My feet, back, and head are all telling me to never, ever do it again.  But my brain knows that it will happen again and probably within the next week or so.  We just don't have the coverage we need to cover people being off due to illness (their own or a family members).  My colleague covered last night, so I covered tonight.  But there is just no way to easily get through such long shifts when you have no warning.  If I had known how long of a day I would have, I would have chosen to dress differently (shoes are important); I would have packed both a lunch and a dinner (eating out costs me extra money I don't have).  And I would have planned other parts of my day to allow me to get more breaks or get meals so that I wouldn't starve throughout the day.  Needless to say that none of that happened because everything was done on the fly.  I got through it but it was painful at the end.

Book Sale - Day 2: So I found out that we cleared more than $800 at the book sale on the first day.  Apparently we only made $1200 the entire sale last week.  Today was much quieter, so I don't expect that we made as much money, but we likely broke last year's amount and it was only day 2!  We even sold the entire Encyclopedia Britannica to someone for only $30!  Now I just have 3 days left to get through (help!) and we may have more books being delivered tomorrow from our Downtown Campus (if they can get their act together - I refused to go pick them up, I don't have the time).

What I Miss the Most: The one good thing about tonight was that I got to be on the desk for a few hours in a row and this brought back such good memories.  I had forgotten how satisfying it is to help a number of students with such varied needs. Whether it is the person on chat who needs to find archives of magazines (what a struggle - our access was not great, but by the time we were done, they had a good start), the student trying to get the cloud application to work (we got it figured out without OIT's help!), or the student who needs to find The Breakfast Club DVD so that they can watch it (nostalgia for a great movie!).  I did not have one time tonight where I felt I failed a student.  It's rare for me to have a day with a sense of success...

Carson Palmer: I have to comment on this because I kept saying it would eventually happen - I just didn't know it would take an injury to Jason Campbell to facilitate it.  Carson Palmer said at the end of last year that he would not play again for the Bengals (yes, some could say he was sulking, pouting, or just downright being a big baby) and he stuck to his guns.  The Bengals said they wouldn't trade him (Really?  Why keep someone who doesn't want to be there?).  It looked like a stalemate with Palmer retired but boom!  Campbell gets hurt and Palmer is now wearing the silver and black.  I wish him luck.

Day 27: 10/8/11 - "Only Love"

"Who built the ball that is this Earth

Gave me life.

Water for my thirst.."

-"Only Love" by the Counting Crows

Loneliness: Today was another one of those days where I woke up blanketed in the loneliness that has become my life.  I knew it as I dreamed and I felt it as I tried to force myself to get out of bed to go to the fitness center.  I struggled even with that because one thing I've learned is, that if the body is not willing, the mind needs to be.  But if the mind is not willing, the body definitely isn't going to be.  I made it there and managed to do 60 minutes of cardio...though I don't know why I bother any more.

No Match: Yesterday was the final day of my free subscription on Match.com.  I officially tried for a year and had absolutely no success.  I knew those last 17 days weren't going to be any different, but since they were free I figured it couldn't hurt.  Instead of match.com they should call themselves, anyone but me, because that was precisely what the men on there were looking for...anyone but me.

Red River Rivalry: The one good thing out of today was that the Sooners beat the stuffing out of Texas!  I was very surprised that Texas absolutely did not show up for this game.  The Sooners were dominant on both offense and defense and it was good to see.  Now I just hope they can maintain things as they go along.  Now I'm watching the Rangers to see if they can take game 1 of the of the ALCS. 

Knitting: I finally picked up my knitting again and managed to do about 10 rows.  It's been tough going for me these last few weeks as I have been unable to find the motivation to work on my knitting.  Hopefully I will finish the scarf soon since I also need to work on the 3 baby blankets that I've promised people.  Hard to believe so much time has passed.

It's time to admit that I'm lost....Who will find me?

Day 20: 10/1/11 - "Party Up"

"Ya'll gon' make me lose my mind
Up in here, up in here.
Ya'll gon' make me go all out
Up in here, up in here.
Ya'll gon' make me act a fool
Up in here, up in here.
Ya'll gon' make me lose my cool
Up in here, up in here."

-"Party Up" by DMX

Dreams & Names: Cordova Zafaralla - this is the name of the person I dreamed about last night. As I've mentioned before, I often remember my dreams but they tend not to make much sense, nor do they usually offer me any epiphanies. But the dream I had last night did lead me to realize something very important about what I'm missing most in my life - a real hug. I don't mean the hugs I get from my family (though I miss those and need those too) or from friends. These are important but not what I mean. I'm talking about the hugs that are offered and given by someone who loves you and just knows that you need one of those hugs that may last longer than just a normal hug. I've never had one of those hugs but I hope to have one some day. This is the hug I got from Cordova Zafaralla in my dream. I even remember what he looks like - very odd to have a name and a face to go with my dream. Is he real? Not likely - I mean, check out that name? But he'll likely become a character in one of my books - maybe I'll finish his story since he came to me in a dream. I already call him Cord for short.

Jury Duty: I got my summons in the mail today - oh joy! At least my date is on a Wednesday so I'll hopefully not miss a class day with my students. Unlike the time I was called in North Carolina and didn't have to go (they had you call the night before to find out if you needed to come in, and I didn't have to), this time it looks like I'll have to show up. I wonder if I'll even get picked? Who knows! It should be an interesting experience and one that I'll very likely blog about at some point.

College Football Collapses: So this week as I watched college football I saw two teams have major collapses in games and I'm wondering how it happens? Both Utah State and Texas A&M had leads in their games and only needed to keep playing the same way, but both allowed teams to come back on them and were unable to find any of their previous magic. It was painful to watch even for someone who wasn't cheering directly for any of the teams in the match ups. You want to see a good game, not watch a train wreck happen.

Alone: When are certain people going to realize that I'm all alone out here? That I'm trying to take care of myself and help them at the same time with no one else to help me? Why do they insist on doing things that are selfish, that hurt me and them, rather than thinking about ways to help me (or even help themselves)? It's like talking to a brick wall - a complete waste of my time and there is no chance the damn wall is ever going to respond the way I want it to. So I don't bother - I just smile and laugh and pretend like it doesn't matter, while inside I feel myself slowly fading away.

Day 13: 9/24/11 - "Breakeven"

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in..."

- "Breakeven" by The Script

Failure: It's funny how some days I feel like an absolute failure no matter what I do. After working a 12 hour day yesterday, you'd think I would sleep well and wake up refreshed today. Instead, I slept for an hour, woke up startled, struggled to go back to sleep, woke up again coughing and feeling stuffed up, and finally rolled over at 9:30 - an hour later than I normally get up on Saturday. Then I hit the gym and couldn't even run my 5k like I planned to. I'm starting to feel that I'll never be able to run a 5k normally again - and this saddens me. I finished my work out and got back home but when I made my pancakes I didn't bother to smell the milk and poured it right into the mixture. Then noticed the rank smell that was now coming out of my food. I had to dump all of the milk down the drain, but luckily the sour milk smell baked out of the pancakes. The day only went downhill mood-wise from there when I realized that my Dad's birthday is on Monday and I forgot to buy and mail his card so that it would arrive on his birthday. Some daughter I am. The one thing I did accomplish today? I cleaned up the files on my laptop, because fro some dumb ass reason that was the only thing I wanted to do.

Panic - Anxiety - Same Difference? Are panic attacks and anxiety attacks the same thing? I'm trying to figure this out because I nearly had one today and I'm sure it would have been a full-blown anxiety attack. I've had similar things happen to me in the past and I usually struggle to get my heart rate and breathing back to normal. I wonder if one day I'll have to go to a doctor for these because I suspect they could become incapacitating if not controlled.

Oklahoma Wins Again: I didn't get any real joy out of the win as I usually do. I'm starting to lose my zealousness when it comes to my Sooners, which is sad. I liked being one of those nutty fans who lived and died with her team. Now I just shrug when they do something wrong and think, "oh well." What happened to that girl would you curse and cry and yell at the TV? I'm starting to miss her and wonder if I'm losing even more of myself than I first thought.

Day 6: 9/17/11 - "King of Anything"

"All my life I've tried
To make everybody happy while I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide"

-"King of Anything" by Sara Bareilles

College Football Saturday: I sit here trying to type out this post while I watch the Oklahoma/Florida State game on TV. For those who know me, I'm a huge college football fan and as an Oklahoma alumna, I of course and highly focused on this game. At the start of this post it is the 4th quarter and Oklahoma is up 13 - 6. But it's not the game I wan to focus on but rather two things that happened during two games that really bothered me. The first happened during the Tennessee/Florida game. One of the Tennessee players was in on a hit and must have had his bell rung. The announcers saw it and those of us watching saw it as he struggled to stand up and clearly was not even sure what was going on. But he was allowed to stay in the game and line up for the next play. What happened to all of the talk about being careful about these kids getting concussions? The second happened in the OU/FSU game where FSU's quarterback clearly had an injured shoulder, indicated it to the sideline and they left him in the game! I'm concerned about the lack of concern shown for both of these players. Players shouldn't have to get knocked out cold to be pulled from a game and checked out! And *sigh* - FSU just scored a touchdown: 13 - 13.

Exercise and Energy: I had hoped to be out playing tennis this morning but my tennis partner texted me to let me know that they had gotten about 2 hours of rain that morning and he was going to go check the courts. Sure enough, the courts looked like a swimming pool and my tennis playing dreams were dashed. This meant I had to get up and go to the fitness center instead and with my knees already hurting, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to burn as many calories as I felt I need to. I wound up doing a 3 mph inclined walk for 30 minutes, jogging 2.5 km in 20 minutes, and using the elliptical for 30 minutes. Not ideal but I think it definitely burned the calories that I wanted to burn. Of course now my knees definitely hurt and so does my ankle, and my left hip, and my legs in general feel like too tired tree stumps. I also have absolutely no energy at all and haven't all day. What happened to the endorphins that used to kick in when I worked out? Why don't they work any more?

Online Dating: So, like many others, I tried online dating when I came to Texas. I decided to use Match.com since I had heard good things about it and it was fairly affordable. I had tried e-harmony in the past and never liked it, so Match seemed to be my best option. (Game Update: Touchdown Oklahoma!) I started Match in October 2010 and after 6 months I earned the 6-month free guarantee. How did I do that? Easy, I went 6 months without actually meeting anyone despite contacting people each month. So I figured that with 6 months of free service, I was bound to meet someone, right? Nope! (Game Update: Oklahoma wins!) I did not get one realistic contact or date the entire time I've been on Match. Did I get contacted? Yes...by people in Canada, Pennsylvania, California, France, and Italy...people who had no intention of ever coming to Texas for any reason and I know I wasn't planning on going to where they lived anytime soon. The few that were close to home weren't serious or completely ignored the fact that we weren't a match at all...in no ways. Why contact someone that is the exact opposite of what you are looking for especially when you are the exact opposite of what they are looking for? So, the whole point of this part of the entry is that I cancelled my Match subscription and Match nicely said "Hate to see you go, but you still have 17 days to find the one!" Really? You expect me to find someone in 17 days when I couldn't in 348? I don't look any different, nor has anything else on my profile changed. It was so funny I actually forgot to laugh!

Holiday Plans: My mom reminded me that I need to get my plane ticket home for Thanksgiving. I hope I can get a decent ticket but something tells me its going to be pretty steep and I might wind up flying home on Thanksgiving Day (can we say travel nightmare?).

Unfinished Business: In the hopes of not feeling as useless as I have lately, I actually attempted to work on my afghan today. It's hard to get myself to do much of anything on most days so I was really proud of myself when I actually managed to work on 3 of the squares today. Now if I could just get myself to work on Angel of Mercy....