Day 188: 3/17/12 - "Everything You Want"

"He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why"

-"Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon

Happy St. Patty's Day: St. Patty's Day was today and I decided I would celebrate by making myself green pancakes.  And then I promptly got sick right after eating them (no, it wasn't the pancakes - I was already feeling ill before I ate them).  But of course, the human brain doesn't always allow things like that just go by the wayside, so now I'm in total disgust for this holiday, though it has nothing to do with why I got sick.  I think I'm just out to hate all holidays for one reason or another.  I'm finding it way too easy to be disagreeable about anything that involves people having fun and being merry together.  Why?  Because I'm not able to go out and do the same thing, most likely.  Or maybe I'm just fulfilling my destiny to be a mean old woman.

Why I Got Sick...I'm not sure why I got sick today during my run.  I honestly felt great through the first 5 miles and then all of a sudden I started feeling lightheaded and my stomach started hurting.  I usually don't get that way unless it is super hot outside or else I was already feeling ill when I set out.  But that wasn't the case this time - I was feeling great when I headed out and even had a nice steady pace going. I got so ill I had to sit down right in the middle of the sidewalk for five minutes until I was able to walk (and not run) home.  So not only was I feeling ill by the time I got there, I was also feeling very disappointed.  Any time I have to give up on a run (especially on a nice day when I'm close to the end anyway), I feel as if I have failed...

Day 156: 2/14/12 - "Love Don't Cost A Thing"

"All that matters is

That you treat me right

Give me all the thing I need

That money can't buy..."

"Love Don't Cost a Thing" by Jennifer Lopez

Bah, Humbug!  I sit here truly despising this holiday and wishing it were truly based on the idea of love and not on proving your love monetarily.  Why do people feel they need a holiday in order to tell the people they love, that they love them?  Why does someone buying you a dozen roses, chocolate, diamonds, etc., actually make some people feel more loved?  Now, I'll admit to being partially bitter...I've always been alone on this holiday and it is definitely a holiday marketed to couples.  But I also lump this holiday with the other holidays that have become so commercialized that no one even knows what the true meaning of the holiday is.  I took heart-shaped cookies into work today as my way of making sure that everyone go something for this holiday.  I don't try to tell others not to celebrate - I think it is great that some people find joy in this day.  But I do wish there were more people interested in sharing their love year round and without buying something, than those trying to, in essence, by love...

What Would You Do?  Having been at Harvard just about 8 months ago, and having met some of the librarians there, I'm finding the story of Harvard's reorganization to be fascinating.  The most recent story that has come out mentions that over 200 library staff members have been offered buyouts.  It left me wondering what I would do if I were in their situation?  I honestly don't know since I've never been at an institution where it was even a possibility.  But the people at Harvard will have to think about it seriously since they are also faced with what will happen to their jobs if they stay and wait for them to keep ironing things out.  It will be worth keeping an eye on the situation...

Day 155: 2/13/12 - "Hello"

"Hello, I am your mind giving you someone to talk to...
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken..."

"Hello" by Evanescence

Sucky Mondays: There are some days you just don't want to get out of bed, and today was one of those days.  I don't know if it was just me, but others were dragging too.  Of course, they were likely tired from having lots of fun on the weekend.  Me, I was just tired because I was awake.  I've also realized that Monday's are my "get nothing done" days.  I tend to be on the desk or IM for most of the day which just puts a kink in any plans I have for working on anything at my computer.  I even did 3 hours straight at the desk today (which was great for helping students, but terrible for getting anything done).  Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Vacation Planning: I've decided that I need to take a vacation, despite the fact that I have no extra money and that I'd have to go by myself.  I just have to decide where I want to go.  Right now my list looks like this:

• Vegas - never been there and I've always wanted to go.
• Miami - never been and it should be warm.
• Denver/Vale/Aspen - skiing!
• Arizona - Cactus League Baseball!

Not sure if I can afford any of them but I'm going to check into!

I Hate Valentine's Day!  Who says the Grinch only shows up during Christmas?  I truly despise Valentine's Day so I made cookies to take to work.  Now, I know what you are thinking - if I hate Valentine's Day, why would I make heart-shaped cookies for my co-workers?  So that I can make sure that everyone gets something for that holiday.  Me, I get a couple of cards each year which is enough.  But right now V-Day is definitely at the top of my list of most hated holidays.

Day 90: 12/10/11 - "Getaway"

"I know this is how I could be over you
You know this is not another waste of time
All this holding on can't be wrong"

-"Getaway" by Train

Scenes from a Run: I always take note of the trash that is thrown out when I run.  Today I went a little furhter than normal and saw more than trash, so I thought I would document it here:

• Cans and Bottles: Talk about litterbugs!  I saw 5 beer cans (the large size ones), 1 beer bottle that was intact and a kaleidoscope of broken bottles that I had to dodge (I kick things up when I run), and three water bottles.  I wish people would stop just throwing things out and at least put them in the trash.  The recycling would be even better.
• Dangerous Drivers: The campaigns aren't working, folks.  The number of people I saw texting while driving or talking on the phone while driving was ridiculous.  One man actually stopped at a green light and then turned right without checking traffic because he was playing with his phone.  To make matters worse, he had a kid in the car with him - so in about five or six years when that kid starts to drive and has a wreck because he's texting, we'll know that it has nothing to do with his age, and everything to do with the bad influence of his father!
• Birds: We haven't had a lot of water lately, so I was surprised to see some standing water at the corner of Bitters and Blanco. I looked to my right as I was passing and saw what I thought was a statue.  It took me a minute to realize it was a white crane!  It was standing in the water and watching a group of ducks a they swam around.  I wanted to take a picture but I knew if I stopped running I would lose my momentum.  It was nice to see though!

Holiday Hell: This holiday is sneaking up on me faster than I want to admit.  I haven't even made arrangements to go home yet (though I promised my family I would come home).  As much as I miss them, I am dreading not only the travel but also just the day to day of not being productive.  I've learned that I can't be productive at home (no Internet, issue with smoke inhalation, tension, stress...none of that says "productivity").  I'll have to find a way to get something done, even if I have to spend the time at the public library.  That might be the best option for me though it still won't guarantee success.

Nightmares: For some reason I've been having nightmares the last few nights.  In one my dad had something wrong with his legs due to his diabetes and had to have his legs amputated (I found this horrifying because it could become all too true).  Then last night I dreamed that I had forgotten to put together my students' final exam and had to try to run back to the library to get to my computer to create it in 20 minutes.  Of course, it took me nearly 4 hours today to actually create it (and yes, the nightmare made me get on the ball today).  I hate dreams that are way too close to the truth!

Day 71: 11/21/11 - "Second Chance"

"Tell my mother, tell my father

I've done the best I can

To make them realize, this is my life

I hope they understand..."

-"Second Chance" by Shinedown

Too Much: There's too much to do...too much to remembers...to much to think about...too much to apologize for...to much time lost that can't be reclaimed.  No wonder I don't know where to begin?  I'll have to try again tomorrow, though I already know that it will likely be a repeat of today.

Home? I head back to Tennessee in two days and I just realized that once again I'm not really going to a home.  I envy my friends who have family homes that they've known all of their lives and that they can return home to when they need to.  I return home only to the people, never sure where I'll lay my head or who will be upset by my choices.  I can only be glad its only for 3 days this time.  Normally that wouldn't be enough but this time around it is necessary.

Day 45: 10/26/11 - "Quasimodo"

"you can be right
and I'll be real
honesty won't be a pain that you'll have to feel
cause I don't need your approval
to find my worth
I'm trapped inside of my own mind
afraid to open my eyes cause of what I'd find and I
don't want to live like this anymore

there goes my pain
there goes my chains
did you see them falling
because this feeling
that has no meaning

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
there it goes

does it scare you that I can
be something different than you
would it make you feel more comfortable if I wasn't
you can't control me
and you can't take away from me who I am

there goes my pain
there goes my chains
did you see them falling
because this feeling
that has no meaning

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
you can't change me
you can't break me

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back

have you ever felt
like your only comfort was your cage
you're not alone
I've felt the same as you
have you ever felt
like your secrets give you away
you're not alone
I've been there too
cause everyone is looking
and everyone is laughing but I think
everyone feels the same
everybody wants to feel ok
everybody wants to
everybody wants to feel

there goes my pain
there goes my chains
did you see them falling
because this feeling
that has no meaning

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
cause I don't want it
I don't want it
you can't change me
you can't break me

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
there it goes"

- "Quasimodo" by Lifehouse

Quasimodo: I rarely list the lyrics to a full song, because normally it is only a line or two that catches my ear, grabs my attention, and makes me nod and say "yes, that is me today."  But when "Quasimodo" came on my iPod this morning, I nearly tripped on the treadmill as I was reminded of why I like the song to begin with...and why it truly speaks to me, of me, about me.  Read the lyrics closely and then think about the title of the song - then you'll get it.

Adding Another One to the List: I have a short (but getting longer) list of holidays that I absolutely loathe!  At the top of my list?  Valentine's Day.  Never liked it, likely never will.  Christmas is a close second, mostly because of how commercialized it has become.  No one even remembers what it should be about any more.  And now I'm adding Halloween.  When did it become about debauchery?  What's up with the skimpy outfits for teens and pre-teens?  And the cost of costumes and candy?  Halloween is supposed to be for kids and I'm beginning to think that there are too many adults taking this holiday over.  Maybe I'm just jealous because I had to stop trick or treating when I was nine because of my height.

So Shaky: I think its the new medicine but I've been so shaky (internally) these last few days.  It feels like I have shock waves pulsing through my legs and arms and I just know that my heart is going to start beating right out of my chest.  Luckily no one else can see the trembling (yet) and my heart isn't actually racing so I know its all in my head.  Now I just need to get it out of my head!

Day 6: 9/17/11 - "King of Anything"

"All my life I've tried
To make everybody happy while I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide"

-"King of Anything" by Sara Bareilles

College Football Saturday: I sit here trying to type out this post while I watch the Oklahoma/Florida State game on TV. For those who know me, I'm a huge college football fan and as an Oklahoma alumna, I of course and highly focused on this game. At the start of this post it is the 4th quarter and Oklahoma is up 13 - 6. But it's not the game I wan to focus on but rather two things that happened during two games that really bothered me. The first happened during the Tennessee/Florida game. One of the Tennessee players was in on a hit and must have had his bell rung. The announcers saw it and those of us watching saw it as he struggled to stand up and clearly was not even sure what was going on. But he was allowed to stay in the game and line up for the next play. What happened to all of the talk about being careful about these kids getting concussions? The second happened in the OU/FSU game where FSU's quarterback clearly had an injured shoulder, indicated it to the sideline and they left him in the game! I'm concerned about the lack of concern shown for both of these players. Players shouldn't have to get knocked out cold to be pulled from a game and checked out! And *sigh* - FSU just scored a touchdown: 13 - 13.

Exercise and Energy: I had hoped to be out playing tennis this morning but my tennis partner texted me to let me know that they had gotten about 2 hours of rain that morning and he was going to go check the courts. Sure enough, the courts looked like a swimming pool and my tennis playing dreams were dashed. This meant I had to get up and go to the fitness center instead and with my knees already hurting, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to burn as many calories as I felt I need to. I wound up doing a 3 mph inclined walk for 30 minutes, jogging 2.5 km in 20 minutes, and using the elliptical for 30 minutes. Not ideal but I think it definitely burned the calories that I wanted to burn. Of course now my knees definitely hurt and so does my ankle, and my left hip, and my legs in general feel like too tired tree stumps. I also have absolutely no energy at all and haven't all day. What happened to the endorphins that used to kick in when I worked out? Why don't they work any more?

Online Dating: So, like many others, I tried online dating when I came to Texas. I decided to use Match.com since I had heard good things about it and it was fairly affordable. I had tried e-harmony in the past and never liked it, so Match seemed to be my best option. (Game Update: Touchdown Oklahoma!) I started Match in October 2010 and after 6 months I earned the 6-month free guarantee. How did I do that? Easy, I went 6 months without actually meeting anyone despite contacting people each month. So I figured that with 6 months of free service, I was bound to meet someone, right? Nope! (Game Update: Oklahoma wins!) I did not get one realistic contact or date the entire time I've been on Match. Did I get contacted? Yes...by people in Canada, Pennsylvania, California, France, and Italy...people who had no intention of ever coming to Texas for any reason and I know I wasn't planning on going to where they lived anytime soon. The few that were close to home weren't serious or completely ignored the fact that we weren't a match at all...in no ways. Why contact someone that is the exact opposite of what you are looking for especially when you are the exact opposite of what they are looking for? So, the whole point of this part of the entry is that I cancelled my Match subscription and Match nicely said "Hate to see you go, but you still have 17 days to find the one!" Really? You expect me to find someone in 17 days when I couldn't in 348? I don't look any different, nor has anything else on my profile changed. It was so funny I actually forgot to laugh!

Holiday Plans: My mom reminded me that I need to get my plane ticket home for Thanksgiving. I hope I can get a decent ticket but something tells me its going to be pretty steep and I might wind up flying home on Thanksgiving Day (can we say travel nightmare?).

Unfinished Business: In the hopes of not feeling as useless as I have lately, I actually attempted to work on my afghan today. It's hard to get myself to do much of anything on most days so I was really proud of myself when I actually managed to work on 3 of the squares today. Now if I could just get myself to work on Angel of Mercy....