Day 64: 11/14/11 - "Runaway"

"It's crazy, I know, to count on this road

To give me what I need.

But with every state line

Somehow I find, another part of me..."

-"Runaway" by Love and Theft

Life's Uncertainties: A friend sent me a text today telling me that her brother had passed away.  She had just told me about a month ago that he had cancer, but I didn't realize how serious it was.  I'm sorry that I was not there for her during this tough time, and can only hope that she will recover and survive, while also taking care of her mother who is also battling cancer.  This is the way life is sometimes.  One day you are here, and the next, gone.  I don't want to have my life end and feel the way I do today - there is too much uncertainty in life for me to be wasting my time not doing what I want to do...not being who I want to be.

An Unhappy Raise: I never thought I would see the day where I would get a raise of any kind and not be crowing with happiness.  I know that when I got my raise at NC State I was nearly in tears with gratitude.  But today I simply looked at the letter I received and then put it down and got back to work.  Maybe it is because I somehow feel I don't deserve it?  Or maybe it is like a friend said on FB, that money isn't the most important thing.  I do believe that you can't throw money at your problems (not unless it is a huge amount!) and expect them to just go away.  And I know for a fact that the problems I have right now won't respond to any amount of money.  I can only hope that I will see the value of the raise one day and appreciate it.  I'm not crazy enough to give it back (as if!) but I can honestly say that I'm not really thinking about it.

Dancing in Circles: I had a new symptom tonight - I got dizzy, truly dizzy and all I did was try to walk in a straight line.  It was disconcerting to lose my balance that way and I can only hope that it was due to fatigue or how quickly I turned around (I've done it before).  I'll add it to the other random symptoms that I seem to be accumulating these days.

Day 63: 11/13/11 - "Here Comes Goodbye"

"Here comes goodbye,

Here comes the last time

Here comes the start of every sleepless night

The first of every tear I'm gonna cry

Here comes the pain..."

-"Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts

Scary Movies: I don't usually watch scary movies (by scary I mean horror films.  I don't mind suspenseful films though), but today I decided to watch The Mist because I'm a Stephen King fan.  I should have known right away that it was a bad idea and I'm likely destined to have horrible dreams tonight because of the scary scenes in the movie.  But I do want to point out that the ending was not a surprise to me.  I won't spoil it for anyone who has not seen it.  But I will say that the cover of the DVD claiming that it was "one of the most shocking movie endings ever!" needs to go back to the drawing board.  The Sixth Sense had a shocking ending - this one was exactly what I expected.

Speaking of Dreams: I had an odd one last night.  I was a cop (yeah, right) and I was back in T-Town where I was supposed to be arresting my best friend from high school (the one I haven't seen in almost 15 years now).  The reunion part of the dream was great - I do miss my friend and it would be great to see them again.  But then, I decided to try to hid him from the cops (not my style), and for some reason they were willing to trust me with some cockeyed plan of escape.  Here is my suggestion to anyone who ever finds themselves in a similar situation.  Even if you are innocent (in my dream they were), you still have to go through the process and you have to trust the process.  I do find that hard to say, especially after finishing reading Zeitoun, but it is still a necessary part of life in America.

What Have You Done For Me Lately?  Absolutely nothing.  I got nothing accomplished today and I find myself feeling more and more guilty about my inability to be productive.  I don't feel right.  I find myself struggling to breath sometimes (it's all in my head), and then I find myself so tired I just want to lay down and sleep.  And then there are the headaches that seem to ebb and flow with the passing hours.  Add that to the temperature fluctuations (one minute I'm cold, the next I'm sweating), and you've got a recipe for disaster.


Speaking of Recipes....Cinnamon Rolls: I decided I wanted to make cinnamon rolls today and though they aren't the best thing I've ever baked, I at least feel good about the fact that they rose (I used yeast).  Usually when I bake with yeast, it's a crap shoot - I never know if the dough will rise or not. Today it rose both times.  The only problem with the final product was that they were too bland.  They definitely needed more sugar (and I could definitely throw some icing on them) but overall they weren't bad.

Day 62: 11-12-11 - "Wake Up"

"There's no sentimental value to the roast that fell on your floor.

There's no fundamental excuse for the granted I'm taken for..."

-"Wake Up" by Alanis Morissette

Recovery: Traveling always takes something out of me lately and I need time to recoup my energy and get my strength back.  But for some reason this last trip to Atlanta really did a number on me.  I'm struggling to concentrate today and with the lack of concentration comes listlessness.  I don't want to do anything, nothing appeals to me, and curling up into a ball sounds good right about now (though not productive).  I made it through my work e-mail but found myself alternately rubbing my head to ward off the headache that seemed to want to form, and frowning in anger at what I was reading.  E-mail should not have the power to elicit such anger out of me, but I find I'm losing my patience with the actions of others, especially when those actions are unnecessary and designed to be harmful.

Crossroads: I'm at one right now and struggling to figure out which direction I want to go in.  Each choice will have heavy ramifications, for me and for my family...

Day 61: 11/11/11 - "Home"

"Maybe surrounded by

A million people I

Still feel all alone

I just wanna go home"

-"Home" by Blake Shelton

Presentation: I did a presentation today on the "The Customization of Services for Millennium Generation Students" with my colleague at the Access Services Conference in Georgia.  I felt the presentation went well, though it was not my best.  I had trouble getting into it, though I got compliments from people on how well it went and my poise.  Though I did feel like a fish out of water at this conference, since it is not my area of expertise, I do feel that I learned a lot and that the conference itself was well done.  They even fed us lunch at the end before we headed out.  I went ahead and went to the airport early with my colleague and wound up being there for nearly 6 hours.  At least I got a lot of knitting done...

Plane Conversations: I was reminded today of how nice it is to find someone you can just easily speak with and that you have some things in common with.  Too bad he was also happily married with children (story of my life).  You figure out pretty quickly, like I did, not to even expect to find anything else out there - it doesn't exist for some of us.  What did we talk about it?  Strangely enough, everything from flossing and the importance of taking care of your teeth, to dressing and cranberry sauce (jellied!) during Thanksgiving.  As I said, good conversations.

Ignoring Somethings Can be Detrimental to Your Health: But I'm ignoring my e-mail right now.  I don't want to answer it - I won't answer it - and I won't feel guilty about it.  I might feel differently tomorrow, but today, I'm tired and I'm going to bed.  And those who thought it was okay to send out e-mails on my behalf without checking with me first or even cc'ing me, will have me to deal with at the beginning of next week.  Beware, the *itch is back in town.

Day 60: 11-10-11 - "Cold"

"What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am.
I never meant to be so cold..."

-"Cold" by Crossfade

I'll let the song speak for me today. - feel cold...
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Day 59: 11/9/11 - "In Your Eyes"

"love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are"

- "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel

Stranger in a Strange Land: I'm in Atlanta for the Access Services Conference and I went to the "reception" that they had tonight.  This is the first time since my very first conference that I can remember being in a room with other librarians and not knowing another single soul.  I didn't stay at the reception, I didn't feel welcome there.  I trudged back to my hotel in the rain and decided to do some work until my ever-present headache intensified to the point of blinding pain.  So now I'm typing my post as quickly as I can so that I can get off of this computer and rest.  No chance that I'll be going to very many of the sessions they offer - I don't see anything that would truly interest me.

Alone...Such a small word that carries so much weight in my heart and mind right now.  I'm feeling it even more now that I'm out of Texas and reminded that no matter where I go, I am still alone.

Set Up to Fail:  If you don't know what this feels like, congratulations to you.  It's a horrible feeling knowing that you are being set up to fail and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it except hope that you can surprise them and actually do what they think you can't.  That's what I'm trying to do right now - wish me luck.

Day 58: 11/8/11 - "Sweet Surrender"

"It doesn’t mean much
It doesn’t mean anything at all
The life I’ve left behind me
Is a cold room
I’ve crossed the last line
From where I can’t return
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me"

"Sweet Surrender" by Sarah McLachlan 

Tomorrow I Go...I'm off to Atlanta tomorrow for a conference and I find myself tired just thinking about it.  What is this feeling that makes me want to just crawl into bed, curl into a ball, and sleep?  What is this type of tiredness that makes you feel as if no matter how much sleep you get, you still need more?  Why do I wake up feeling wearier and wearier each day?

Are You Serious?  I thought the situation at Penn State was bad enough, but now it is getting worse.  Has anyone else noticed that once a scandal breaks, it tends to build and grow as time passes?  When they first broke the Tiger Woods scandal, there was one woman, then two, all the way up to fourteen by the time they were done.  The recent Herman Cain controversy started with one woman, then two, and now there are four.  At Penn State there were eight victims and now nine.  I suspect there are many more who will never step forward.  And then I watched a special on the new NBC show "Rock Center" about forced sterilization in the US, especially in North Carolina, and I realize that it can always be worse...

Who Am I?  I find myself asking myself that question each day when I wake up and look in the mirror.  Who am I?  Who do I want to be?  Where am I going?  Where do I need to be?  I don't have any answers right now.  I have to wait until tomorrow and hope that I will wake up with a clear answer.  Is there a clear answer?