Day 239: 5/7/12 - "Fell On Black Days"

"Whatsoever I've feared has come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off became my life
Just when everyday 

Seemed to greet me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Cause I fell on
Black days

I fell on black days

Whomsoever I've cured I've sickened now
Whomsoever I've cradled I've put you down
I'm a search light soul they say 

But I can't see it in the night
I'm only faking
When I get it right
Cause I fell on
Black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate

So what you wanted to see good 

Has made you blind
And what you wanted to be yours 

Has made it mine
So don't you lock up something 

That you wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No not tying

I sure don't mind a change
But I fell on 

Black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate..."

-"Fell On Black Days" by Soundgarden

Baking Success and Failure: So after having others taste test .my Reese's Pieces Cream Filling, I can announce that it was both a success and failure.  It as a success in terms of the taste - everyone thinks it does taste like Reese's Pieces, but it won't be used in the case. Why?  The color is a failure!  By the time you puree the three different colors of the Reese's Pieces and then heat them up on the stove, you end up with this odd orange/brown color...which, though tastes great, is just not visually appealing enough to slap on what I plan to make into a beautiful cake.  So we are going to just go with buttercream (which is fine!).  And besides, my peanut butter buttercream is lip smacking good! But I am back to this idea of creating cupcakes with all of these different Cream Fillings and selling them.  I was wondering what crushed oreos would bring to the mix?  Or 'Nilla Wafers?  Anything that is not inherently meltable would likely work.  Chocolate chips wouldn't work unless I was going for a chocolate cream filling.  I'm thinking more in terms of recreating the things that we don't necessarily think of having as a cream filling.  I'll keep creating and maybe turn it into a business plan.  But I have to get good at the execution!

When Will They Learn?  I'm awaiting final word on how to proceed with something at work and though they are checking with the experts, I can't help thinking that this is definitely one of those "traps" of their own making.  They created this issue with their policy changes (changes that did not make any sense in the first place) and now we are all swimming around in the muck.  I want out of the muck....I want a chance to clean up and start over without feeling as if I have been sullied by the actions of others.  Why do they keep doing things that impact me negatively and expect me to just go with it?  Everyone has their breaking point and also the point where they start to feel as if I'm doing something ethically wrong.  I'm starting to feel as if I'm walking that line right now.

Day 238: 5/6/12 - "All I Really Want"

"Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate...

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice...

What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred..."

-"All I Really Want" by Alanis Morissette

New Shoes: I always worry when I buy new shoes online because I never know if they are going to fit or not.  I got lucky this time with a pair of navy blue mary jane's from Long Tall Sally.  I love the style and the heel isn't too high for me to walk in for a while.  It also has a nice double band instead of single across the foot.  I just need to find something to wear them with so that I can break them in!  I'll also trust Long Tall Sally in the future for size at least because of this purchase.  What I didn't like was the fact that the right shoe was scuffed!  It's only on the inside but you could clearly tell that the right shoe was either worn or was likely the display shoe.  Since the scuff is on the inside (instep) I won't bother sending them back because it would take too long to replace them (if I even could since they tend to have limited shoes in my size).  Now I just have to wait for the suit I ordered to show up.  Not sure why they didn't arrive together but I'll call the company tomorrow if I don't see something.

Day 237: 5/5/12 - "What Hurts the Most"

"What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

and not seeing that loving you

Was what I was trying to do."

-"What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts

Saturdays Are Dangerous:  Saturdays give me time to think and I'm finding this to be dangerous.  At least while I'm at work I have things that I 'm focused on and things I'm trying to produce.  But at home, with so many hours left for me to exist in, I find myself thinking too much.  Most of those thoughts are dangerous as well, because they don't have the focus that I need.  I think about possibilities and the future (which is dangerous).  I think about the past and negative consequences of my decisions.  This is even after I've tired myself out from two hours in the fitness center.  I need to find some way to be more productive on the weekends while at home.  I want to do something other than clean as well.  Maybe I'll find a new hobby - it's getting hot and knitting is not comfortable when it's over 90 degrees outside.

Day 236: 5/4/12 - "Edwin McCain"

"Does it seem that time works against us

Or does it just march on and on and on

Sometimes it drives me crazy...

-"Thirty Pieces" by Edwin McCain

Life is Just Unfair Sometimes: Today was one of those days where I saw the unfairness of life and could only shake my head.  Part of me understands that life can't always be fair to everyone - that's just not the way it is.  There will always be illness, and sickness, and death, and bad decisions made by others.  But there is always a strong part of me that does not want to accept this - who at least wants to eliminate the impact caused by those bad decisions.  I'm left to clean up the mess only partly of my own making while others simply continue doing what they've always done.   For once I'm not referring to myself when talking about the unfairness of life.  Contrary to the melancholy bent of my posts lately, I do know that I'm not the only person who feels they got the short end of the stick.  I also know that I'm far better off than many people and that things could be much, much worse....

Heart Broken By Reality:  I've had my heart broken so many times that I know it won't ever go back together.  Today, as I walked around the grocery store, I saw scene after scene of couples shopping together, mothers with kids, fathers with kids, mothers and fathers with kids.  And I see the possibility of that continuing to slip further and further away.  I try to make myself feel better about it - I wouldn't be a good wife anyway.  And I'd be a terrible mother.  I know both aren't true, but I try to lie to myself so that I at least have a reason to get out of the bed in the morning.  Without that I would want to hide from the world - unable to take the pity in the eyes of those around me who would see the failure that I am.  The day I reach pity level is the day I have leave and start over.  I can take disdain, anger, dislike, and indifference...but I can't take pity...

Day 235: 5/3/12 - "Unwritten"

"I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned...

No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten...

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

The rest is still unwritten "

-"Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield

Ain't It Funny?  It took me getting angry to finally see things more clearly.  Today I was calm - not angry at all, but very determined.  I'm heading for a showdown and one way or the other, things are going to get straightened out.  I have a tough road to travel but addressing this head on is the only way for me to go.  I can't continue with the way things are and I can't allow this person to continue to hurt others as well.  They need to realize just what their actions are doing - and either back off or run the risk of alienating and losing at least two good employees.  I'm in limbo at the moment and this is scary for me because I don't know how things will work out.  There is the potential for a remedy and clarification.  But there is even greater potential for a disaster (for myself and my career). But either way, I'm done here...

Order Up!  I got my first baking order since I moved to San Antonio.  I'm super excited about it and I've already mocked up the design.  It will be a chocolate and vanilla sheet cake with peanut butter buttercream and some Reese's Pieces or decoration.  It's a friend's husbands graduation cake and I hope I can do it justice.  I also get to make the box to carry it in (that should be super fun!).  I could also buy one but I like arts and crafts, so I will likely make it.  I won't post the mock up picture since it has not been approved.  But I'll post the pictures of the cake once I get it done!

Day 234: 5/2/12 - "Hopeless"

"I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change around me...
Why do things have to change

But you don't need my pictures on your wall
You say you need no one
And you don't need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one
Is anybody waiting at home for you
'Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's
Anybody waiting at home for you
'Cause it's time that will tell this tale

You're in and out up and down
Wonder if you're lost or found...

I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change..."

-"Hopeless" by Train

Why Do You Have to Be Angry All the Time?  I asked myself this question today when I finally made it home from work.  I asked it because between yesterday and today, I spent nearly every waking moment either angry, frustrated, or both.  I also spent most of the day with a headache, heartburn, and a stomach ache.  I have no doubt it was due to the emotions I was trying to control.  I spent two hours in a meeting biting my lip, averting my eyes, and generally trying not to scream in anger...only to have someone ask me if I was feeling alright.  My response.  "I'm fine."  I wouldn't have told them even if it were otherwise...But this isn't about why I was angry - it would take me two posts to detail that and I'm not in the mood to rehash things that would only take me back to that dark place I was in today.  Instead I'm focusing on what I plan to do to eliminate days like the past two days.  If I don't want to spend my life angry (and likely shorten my life), then I need to do something about the things causing the anger.  In my case that means re-evaluating parts of my life that I have control over.  There are things that you cannot control and I know this better than most.  But I can control how long I let some things impact me and I can refuse to let certain individuals have control over my life at all.  I want to look in the mirror and see myself smile again...truly smile despite all that has gone wrong in my life.  I had reached a point where I was okay with the person I was.  That's not true anymore.  I'm on a mission to find that person again, and to hell with anyone who thinks they have the right to get in my way.

Removing Ingredients May Be Hazardous to Your Baking!  I was attempting to make a slightly healthier cupcake tonight and failed only slightly.  They baked up nicely, but more like a bread than a cupcake.  They also stuck to the bottom of the paper (which annoys me to no end!), but they were edible.  I'll have to try 1/2 sugar next time since I think that is what caused the sticking.  But it could be the lack of oil as well (which tends to cause sticking too). 

Day 233: 5/1/12 - "Ignition"

"Sometimes you gotta pull the car over

To the side of the highway

Break down, kill the motor and cry

Sometimes you gotta try to keep living

Put the key in the ignition

And start your life over again"

-"Ignition" by Matt Stillwell"

The Urge to Scream: Have you ever just had the urge to stop and scream in complete frustration?  I had this sensation today, not once...not twice...but three times!  The first time came when I e-mailed a question to someone and they responded to a different question.  I reread my question and there is no way that they should not have been able to figure out what I was asking.  It happens more and more with this person and I find myself having to rewrite e-mails or reword everything I ask them - so much extra work!  The second time was similar, when I e-mailed someone and asked them a straight forward question and the response I got back was a flat out "no."  So I e-mailed them back and asked them the question again, with an example of what I meant, and they e-mailed me that they would look into it.  They later responded that it could be done.  I wasn't upset that it took them some time to get an answer - I could have waited longer.  But the initial "no" without even trying made me so angry!  And the final straw were the two e-mails that came this afternoon.  One was a week late - sorry, don't need that answer anymore.  The other one was a blatant "I'm checking up on you because I've been told to, but I'm going to try to make it sound like it was my idea and that it is just something to help me out."  BS!  I know exactly what you are doing - I'm not stupid or blind, though you and a few others seem to think that I am.  Yes, by the time I was done with my late night chat shifts, I was ready to scream...I hope that sensation goes away tomorrow because I'm in for a long day....