Day 311: 7/18/12 - "Missouri"

"You came here in search of something true

Looks like, girl, your search isn't through..."

-"Missouri" by David Nail

Oh, Verizon, At Least You Didn't Piss Me Off Tonight (At Least Not Too Much).  I hate it when I get a bill online that I know should be a certain amount but when I open the e-mail, I see that it is higher than expected.  This always starts me on a quest to figure out what changed and to see if I need to dispute anything.  This time Verizon was wrong (they did not apply one of my discounts), and though I explained to the phone agent what the problem was, he still went through the long process of trying to "figure out" what I was talking about.  After five minutes I again pointed out to him what the issue was and he was like, "Oh, I see what you mean.  Let me fix that."  If he had listened to me right away, I would have been off of the phone a lot faster!  But at least they fixed the problem which was the biggest issue for me.

Not So Fast, Medco.  If it wasn't Verizon, it was Medco and HEB.  So here's the saga of the 90 day prescription.  I asked my doctor if I could move to a 90 day prescription since my medicine and health were stable.  He said, "Sure!  I'll write you a new prescription."  I drop off the prescription at HEB (my pharmacy) and then go back the next day to pick it up.  When I get there, I'm told the cost will be $10.  I'm happy - that's only $2 more than my 30 day supply!  But when I ask the pharmacy tech to confirm that it is a 90 day supply she says, "No, this is the 30 day."  I explain to her that my prescription was for 90 days so she goes off to check.  After a few minutes and a short discussion with the pharmacist, she comes back to tell me that my insurance won't allow a 90 day prescription.  At this point, I'm mad, but then I ask her why my prescription is now $10 then - why the change in price?  She can't explain it so I leave the prescription and go home to figure things out.  Today I figure out that I can only get a 90 day supply through Medco by mail.  If I go to a retail place, then I can only get a 30 day supply.  The wait time for the 90 day?  1 - 2 weeks!  the cost?  $20.  I call the HEB pharmacy because they never filled my 90 day prescription - they only did a refill since it was for the same medicine and I had refills left.  They said that if I used their discount program I could get my 90 day supply for $9.99 and the program only costs $5.  I was sold - now I have a program I won't be able to use once I move...but I have my 90 day supply!

Baking Blueberry Bombs!  Why do I call my blueberry muffins, bombs?  Because those wonderfully juicy berries tend to explode in the oven!  The muffins turned out great and because I made them with Splenda and applesauce, they are only 85 calories each!  Yum!  I had them with blueberry tea and it was marvelous!

Day 303: 7/10/11 - "The Apple"

"The apple in my hand I took a bite
How can it be so wrong when it feels so right
The apple in my hand with just a bite
It was over"

-"The Apple" by Carolina Story

Goodbye Meebo!  Okay, so there was one more day, but we still cut it close by just now switching to something else.  We went with Zoho and so far it looks like it will work, though I'm not sure how everyone else will do with it.  I've been playing with it for a couple of days now and it looks just like any chat service, if a bit more childish.  But we hope it is temporary as we try to move to something more permanent and sophisticated!

Antacids:  I used to chew Tums for my calcium but I stopped after a while.  Now I'm back, but mostly because of the heartburn I've been suffering.  I'm hoping that this ailment is temporary and has more to do with stress than any type of permanent issue.  What else could it be?  An ulcer?  Possibly, though I hate to think about that.  Could also be related to my new quickness to anger...like my urge to yell at the upstairs neighbors for stomping around so late at night!  But I'm controlling that one as best I can...though getting tougher as they knock things off of my walls!  I'm never living with anyone above me again - no chance!  I either live on the top or there is no one above me!

Day 296: 7/3/12 - "Healing Hands"

"...We're all bought and sold
For tobacco, firearms and alcohol...
...Can't afford to be on the back burner no more
Now I got a lot of places to go

Cause the actions of a few
Have put a world in harms way...

Never forget..."

-"Healing Hands" by Citizen Cope

Patience, Please: It drives me crazy when someone else's impatience causes problems for me and nearly causes a crisis.  I had everything under control and was working on completing what I needed to complete.  I didn't need you sending an e-mail demanding that I do something.  I know you meant well - but you need to step back for a minute and realize that its not all about you and that you need to give the rest of us time to work within our own limits (we have other things to do, you know!).

Heartburn: I'm so disgusted with the state of things right now that I just have general heartburn all day now.  It doesn't matter what I eat..or don't eat.  I just wake up with it and go to sleep with it.  I know its the acid in my stomach and my thinking about all of the things I need to do.  I just wish I could find a way to clear it up.  Hope it clears up by itself soon! 

Day 273: 6/10/12 - "Once"

"Ooh, once upon a time I could control myself, yeah...
Once upon a time I could lose myself, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Once, upon a time I could love myself, yeah...
Once upon a time I could love you, yeah, yeah, yeah..."

- "Once" by Pearl Jam

Assumptions: In this day and age it drives me crazy that so many people assume so much about me based on the way I look.  I was at the grocery store this morning and this man decided to chat with me as I was leaving.  He wanted me to know that his niece was my height and had played college ball in Buffalo.  He then told me her name as if I would know her personally.  Then he commented that she had chosen not to go to the WNBA and instead and become a nurse (said in a way that told me he clearly didn't understand her decision).  I politely explained to him that I had never played ball, didn't know his niece and thought it was wonderful that she had become a nurse.  It hurts when even family members think that all you need to do, all you are good for when you are a tall black woman is playing basketball.  Open up your eyes, folks!  We have brains and most of us choose to use them - give us a little credit, please!

Good to See You!  I had dinner tonight down on the Riverwalk with some former colleagues from NC State.  It was good to see them all and to get a chance to actually get out of the house for two days in a row.  The Riverwalk was not overly crowded, which was good, but man was it warm down there.  I'm just not cut out for the heat!  I really need to think about moving somewhere that is mostly mild all year.  I would normally say cold, but I can't stand being too cold either!  We at at one of the Mexican restaurants down there and the food was okay - though sitting outside in the heat and trying to fend off the birds that were looking for food didn't make for the best atmosphere.

"

Day 266: 6/3/12 - "Break Stuff"

"Its just one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sucks..."

-"Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit

Epic Fail: Today was one of those days that was just never going to go right, from beginning to end.  I woke up before my alarm with a headache, but after eating, it dissipated enough for me to think that the day would get better.  I headed out to play tennis and didn't win a single game!  I barely one a point.  It was like I couldn't see the ball, couldn't move my feet, couldn't hit a shot.  Nothing went right at all.  I know that I'm not a tennis player by trade, so having a a day like that is no big deal, but it really bothered me that I couldn't do anything right.  It just felt as if that short tennis match was a microcosm of my life...I can't do anything right.  I made it home, showered and then promptly forgot that I needed to go to the store.  I got home, fixed  my meals and immediately realized that the headache was back and had been joined by a return of the pain I've had for the past week.  I was hoping it had gone away for good, but it was back with a vengeance.  The rest of the day has been a blur as I've tried to figure out how to make myself feel better.  Nothing has worked yet...

Day 256: 5/24/12 - "For You I Will (Confidence)"

"I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have

And cannonball into the water.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have

For you I will

You always want what you can't have

But for you I have to try..."

-"For You I Will (Confidence)" by Teddy Geiger

Confronting Anger: Yesterday we had an incident where I work.  One of our recent regular "guests" became upset for some reason (no one said or did anything to him), got up from where he was sitting and threw one of our chairs across the room.  I didn't see him throw the chair but others did.  I heard it through.  We called the police and though they came to speak with him, I currently do not know what became of him or if he was trespassed from the university (as he should have been).  But I'm reminded now of just how dangerous things can be even in a "protected" environment like the university.  I had the urge to approach the patron and get into his face about his behavior, but not knowing if he had a weapon made me hold back.  I was so mad though - what if we had been full and he had hit a student?!  That type of irrational behavior has no place in the library, nor in life in general.  Tomorrow I try again to find out what the police know so that I can inform all of the information desk staff.

Low Self-Esteem: I realize that despite the public face I present, I actually have a very low self-esteem.  This is something I need to work on, not just for the sake of being at work, but for the rest of my life as well.  I cannot go around feeling as if I'm not good enough for something or someone.  I need to go into every situation believing and knowing that I've done my best, put my best foot forward, and done everything in my power to do my job or live my life.  No excuses...

Day 250: 5/18/12 - "Even If It Breaks Your Heart"

"Some dreams stay with you forever

Drag you round and bring you back to where you were

Some dreams keep on getting better

Gotta keep believing if you wanna know for sure...

Keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart..."

-"Even if it Breaks Your Heart" by the Eli Young Band

Pay for What You Get: I stopped by a hair salon today to have the edges in the back of my hair removed.  They don't look bad but they do look a little ragged if I pull my hair up.  As the woman was working on my hair I warned her to be careful and not cut up too far.  She said "I didn't - just taking off the back."  As I was leaving she waved off payment - said it wasn't worth her time (I'm guessing she meant that it didn't cost her any time) since it only took her a minute.  Everything seemed fine until I started untangling my hair to wash it and low and behold to long locks came out in my hands!  She had cut off two of my twists!  I was so mad, but what can you do?  She hadn't charged me so I paid for what I got, which was a slight butchering.  At least I have so much hair that it isn't noticeable.  Of course, I know about it so it will drive me crazy.  And as my hair grows back out I will have uneven hair in the back no matter what I do since the hair she cut will grow more quickly and lengthen more than the edges that I cut on occasion.  I won't be going back there, which is sad since it is where I also went the first time and the other woman did a great job.  I will at least contact them and let her know that she should be more careful, whether she is charging someone or not!

Wordle is Fun!  Check out my Wordle created from a 3 page paper I just completed.  I forgot how much fun it was to put together Wordles.  They show you so much about the words you used and can really let you know by the size of the words you used most frequently whether you stayed on topic as you had hoped to.

Day 245: 5/13/12 - "Not Ready to Make Nice"

"Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round..."

-"Not Ready to Make Nice" by The Dixie Chicks

Blindsided: It's funny how some thing sneak up on you that you think you've put away in the past.  That happened today as I was walking over to the store.  It just hit me that I was angry about things that happened to me when I was younger.  I can say that I am over what happened but it definitely looks like it can still anger me.  I think its more about the repercussions of what happened, how my life has turned out as compared to theirs.  I know that life is unfair - I don't care about that.  But I don't have to be happy about the fact...

Silence is Golden: I just don't want to talk today.  I don't want to hear about how well your life is going...it will only remind me of how badly mine is going.  I don't want to hear about your love life, your family, your job, your car, your house, your happiness.  I don't want to hear about you.  Is that selfish of me?  Yes, but stop and think about all of the conversations we've had.  Weren't they all about you?  Maybe the selfish one is not me, but rather you.  Don't call me...I don't want to talk right now.  Don't e-mail me, I don't have the time to respond.  Don't text me, I just don't care right now.  Maybe I will again one day, but right now I just...don't...care...

Day 234: 5/2/12 - "Hopeless"

"I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change around me...
Why do things have to change

But you don't need my pictures on your wall
You say you need no one
And you don't need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one
Is anybody waiting at home for you
'Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's
Anybody waiting at home for you
'Cause it's time that will tell this tale

You're in and out up and down
Wonder if you're lost or found...

I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change..."

-"Hopeless" by Train

Why Do You Have to Be Angry All the Time?  I asked myself this question today when I finally made it home from work.  I asked it because between yesterday and today, I spent nearly every waking moment either angry, frustrated, or both.  I also spent most of the day with a headache, heartburn, and a stomach ache.  I have no doubt it was due to the emotions I was trying to control.  I spent two hours in a meeting biting my lip, averting my eyes, and generally trying not to scream in anger...only to have someone ask me if I was feeling alright.  My response.  "I'm fine."  I wouldn't have told them even if it were otherwise...But this isn't about why I was angry - it would take me two posts to detail that and I'm not in the mood to rehash things that would only take me back to that dark place I was in today.  Instead I'm focusing on what I plan to do to eliminate days like the past two days.  If I don't want to spend my life angry (and likely shorten my life), then I need to do something about the things causing the anger.  In my case that means re-evaluating parts of my life that I have control over.  There are things that you cannot control and I know this better than most.  But I can control how long I let some things impact me and I can refuse to let certain individuals have control over my life at all.  I want to look in the mirror and see myself smile again...truly smile despite all that has gone wrong in my life.  I had reached a point where I was okay with the person I was.  That's not true anymore.  I'm on a mission to find that person again, and to hell with anyone who thinks they have the right to get in my way.

Removing Ingredients May Be Hazardous to Your Baking!  I was attempting to make a slightly healthier cupcake tonight and failed only slightly.  They baked up nicely, but more like a bread than a cupcake.  They also stuck to the bottom of the paper (which annoys me to no end!), but they were edible.  I'll have to try 1/2 sugar next time since I think that is what caused the sticking.  But it could be the lack of oil as well (which tends to cause sticking too). 

Day 227: 4/25/12 - "You Found Me"

"Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came...

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me..."

"You Found Me" by The Fray

Maybe I'm Not Cut Out For This:  It's time for me to consider the possibility that I'm just not cut out to exist successfully in this environment.  It's becoming more and more clear to me every day that I harbor feelings of anger and resentment every time I set foot in this particular place.  I find myself suffering from various small maladies that are easily associated with stress and I don't see a good reason to keep doing things to my self that are bad for me if it is not necessary.  Of course, I don't know what my solution to this is.  Where do I go from here?  What is my niche?  How do I find out where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing if I can't even figure out which end is up most days?  It's pretty scary for me right now.  I've always known - even when the knowing wasn't great - where I was heading, what I was going to do.  And even though that often changed, the changes came naturally - they felt right.  Nothing feels right at this point in my life. Nothing about my life feels like it is working, and I don't want to be that person that keeps pushing to get the square peg to fit in the round hole, only to wind up breaking the damn thing!  I actually had an impromptu chat with two people who were asking me about my baking and why I didn't do that for a living.  I tried to explain and then stopped and said something pretty profound (at least in my opinion): "I've been treading water for the last year since my thyroid issues and my major surgery.  I either need to swim or get out of the pool because treading water is tiresome and it's not getting me anywhere."  I need to take my own advice...

And the Disrespect Continues...I got knocked down another peg today and yes, again it was done on purpose.  I chose not to fight back this time.  Why?  Because it would have been a waste of my time and energy and I need to save them for more logical pursuits. I need to concentrate on planning for the future and finding that place I truly belong where I will be given the respect that I deserve (as a human being). 

Who Knew Tofu Could Bake Up So Good?  I had some silken tofu in the fridge that needed to be used so I tried my hand at making a cupcake with it.  A nice dash of cocoa, flour, sugar, vanilla, and a few other things and voila, I had a nice soft and moist cupcake!  To top it I decided on peanut butter but thought I had already done that before so I made a chocolate peanut butter buttercream.  I had a bit of trouble getting it to mix up (I now know that I put too much strawberry in my strawberry buttercream!) but it tastes absolutely divine!  Recipes pending review from colleagues tomorrow.

tofu in the mix!

with chocolate peanut butter buttercream!

Day 207: 4/5/12 - "Running Away"

"I don't want you to give it all up

And leave your own life collecting dust

And I don't want you to feel sorry for me...

I just wanted you to tell me the truth

You know I'd do that for you

...And I was the one who was lifting you up

When you thought your life had had enough

...There's nothing that I can do or say

So now I need you to tell me the truth

You know I'd do that for you

So why are you running away?

Why are you running away?

Is it me, is it you

Nothing that I can do

To make you change your mind

Is it me, is it you

Nothing that I can do

Is it a waste of time?

Is it me, is it you

Nothing that I can do

To make you change your mind

So why are you running away?

Why are you running away?

...What is it I've got to say...

So why are you running away?

...To make you admit you're afraid...

Why are you running away?

-"Running Away" by Hoobastank

How Much More Unfair Can Things Get?  There are times when life is simply not fair.  Times when I wish I weren't such a 'good' person and could drop the dead weight that I've been carrying around.  I balanced my check book today and then calculated how much of it is paying for someone else: $1000.  Really?  I'm left with $5 in my checking account this month because I'm being eaten alive by the debts of others.  I can't even get someone to fucking say "thank you" for what I do, and another person fucking asking me for more help.  I don't have anything else to give!  I don't have any more money.  You've already taken all of that.  I don't have any more of my heart to give.  You've already trampled all over that.  I don't have any more of my body to give.  You've already used that.  What's left?  What about me?

Day 188: 3/17/12 - "Everything You Want"

"He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why"

-"Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon

Happy St. Patty's Day: St. Patty's Day was today and I decided I would celebrate by making myself green pancakes.  And then I promptly got sick right after eating them (no, it wasn't the pancakes - I was already feeling ill before I ate them).  But of course, the human brain doesn't always allow things like that just go by the wayside, so now I'm in total disgust for this holiday, though it has nothing to do with why I got sick.  I think I'm just out to hate all holidays for one reason or another.  I'm finding it way too easy to be disagreeable about anything that involves people having fun and being merry together.  Why?  Because I'm not able to go out and do the same thing, most likely.  Or maybe I'm just fulfilling my destiny to be a mean old woman.

Why I Got Sick...I'm not sure why I got sick today during my run.  I honestly felt great through the first 5 miles and then all of a sudden I started feeling lightheaded and my stomach started hurting.  I usually don't get that way unless it is super hot outside or else I was already feeling ill when I set out.  But that wasn't the case this time - I was feeling great when I headed out and even had a nice steady pace going. I got so ill I had to sit down right in the middle of the sidewalk for five minutes until I was able to walk (and not run) home.  So not only was I feeling ill by the time I got there, I was also feeling very disappointed.  Any time I have to give up on a run (especially on a nice day when I'm close to the end anyway), I feel as if I have failed...

Day 187: 3/16/12 - "Invisible Man"

"I wish you'd look at me that way

Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine

Telling me more than any words could say

But you don't even know I'm alive

Baby to you all I am is the invisible man..."

-"Invisible Man" by 98 Degrees

New Favorite Commercial: The State Farm commercial with the agent and the customer at the basketball game has become my new favorite commercial.  Not only do I love just how funny it is, the two actors did a fantastic job of dancing, talking, and keeping a straight face throughout.  Nice job State Farm!

Horrible Dream: I've had a dream twice now where my teeth have come out.  The strange thing about it is that in both dreams it was different teeth (so I didn't lose the same tooth from one dream to the next).  I've, of course, tried to look into this a little further and some of the interpretation is very matter of fact (you need to go to the dentist).  But others are a little more psychological in nature - you can't sink your teeth into something, or you feel powerless.  I think I'm leaning towards the feeling powerless idea - it seems to fit my life right about now!

Awkward: Do you know that odd feeling you get when you realize you have a lot in common with someone and are slightly attracted to them, but know they aren't the least bit interested in you?  I keep getting that feeling around this one particular person and I find myself stuck between feeling awkward, resigned and angry about it.  I think the awkwardness comes from the fact that I look at this person and feel attraction and though I'm sure I'm not conveying that small bit of attraction outward, there is still this inner awkwardness for even feeling it.  The resignation is because I know why they aren't attracted to me and that's just the way life is.  The anger is because a small part of me says "why not me?  what's wrong with me?  I'm just as smart and funny as other women!  I may not be a s nice to look at, but beauty is only skin deep, right?"  Then I go back to being resigned about the whole situation. 

Day 185: 3/14/12 - "Hero"

"It's a long road

And you face the world alone

No one reaches out a hand

For you to hold"

-"Hero" by Mariah Carey

Late Posting: I went to bed last night knowing that I had not posted for the day (unlike a previous time where I just plain forgot).  I wanted to think more fully about the day before I tried to write about it.  I think I just needed some distance from everything that has happened recently and it seemed to culminate yesterday in a near "altercation" with a staff member.  I'm getting better at facing uncomfortable situations and outwardly I don't think anyone realizes just how uncomfortable I am.  But internally the physical sensations are awful!  I get nauseous, I feel as if my temperature has gone up twenty degrees and my blood is boiling.  I feel a mixture of discomfort and anger building because I realize that the other person is the one causing me to feel this way and the reason I'm struggling is because their reactions (and actions) are not normal or logical.  There is more to this story, let me start from the beginning...

"I Don't See Why I Need to Be There": This is the response a staff member gave another person when they asked them if they would like to sit in on a meeting related to a project they had assisted with.  This was there "polite" way of saying "no" to the request.  I explained to the other person that since they had actually couched  it as an invitation and not a requirement, then we really couldn't say anything about it.  Next time, I said, make sure you just say they are expected to be there and leave it at that.  If they want to argue then, well, we could argue.  The next issue came when I needed to make some changes in scheduling and I told my aide to contact the person to make them aware of the switch.  I was already having a bad day when this was happening, so keep in mind that my next decisions were impacted by my mood.  The person told my aide that they were busy working on a project so they couldn't have their schedule switched.  What project?  I didn't know of any project they were working on.  And even so, I wasn't taking away an hour from them - just switching them to another slot.  I almost went to the person and said, I don't care what you are working on, you didn't put in a request to have that specific hour off, so you need to switch your schedule to accommodate our emergency.  But I realized that in the mood I was in, this would not have gone over well.  So instead, I let it slide and covered the desk shift myself.  But I did realize that I needed to remind everyone of the requirements we have for asking for time off of the desk, and also asked all of my staff to send me a list of their current projects.  Obviously I didn't know what everyone was doing if they had a project that needed to be done at a certain time.

So Then: So this all let to yesterday where I got a request from an administrator for assistance with a project.  It wasn't the normal project we took care of, but we tend to be a department that does whatever needs to be done, even if it doesn't seem to fit with the vibe of our department.  Knowing that this person, though methodical to a high level, would be the best fit, I volunteered them to the administrator, and then went to tell the person that they would be assisting on a project.  They proceeded to try to challenge the request, asking me what the connection was (one of the other people involved is an administrator at the Downtown campus), and kept saying, even after I explained the project, that they didn't see what the connection was.  Then they asked who they would be working with and I again told them that it would be the administrator (as I had already said).  I even gave them the courtesy of asking if they felt it was something they could help me (which could have been a mistake, since I don't know what I would have said if they had said "no").  They finally shrugged as if to say "whatever" and I let the administrator know that they were on-board.  The attitude of this person is the real issue.  We are a department that is part of a library that is part of a university, and we all must work together.  I don't care where the projects come from, we work for the university so any project related to the university is fair game.  If they don't like it, then they should really start looking for another job.  I'm at the point where I now realize that the department would be better off without this person, but I know that my job is to work with them to try to improve their attitude and get them on board with how we work as a unit.  I just think this person is set in their ways and will do anything they can to make my job harder than it needs to be.  Why are there people like that in the world?

 On a Lighter Note: I did get up enough energy to make some St. Patty's Day themed cupcakes in the morning.  I treated it like the cupcakes war challenge and wanted to see if I could bake a set of cupcakes (and bake them well) in a short amount of time.  What I discovered was that I not only could bake a set of cupcakes in under 45 minutes, but I could also take a shower, get ready for work, cook the cupcakes, ice them, and get to work at my normal time.  I didn't have time to do anything really interesting for St. Patty's Day, so I settled for just making the cupcakes green and the icing green.  Easy enough with a vanilla cake and plain buttercream.  My goal for next time is to find a way to color the icing and cake more naturally, and not have to resort to the fake stuff.  But it didn't seem to impact the taste!

Pastel green icing

A look at the inside!

Day 173: 3/2/12 - "Keep Your Head Up"

"I know it's hard, know its hard,

To remember sometimes,

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

and you can let your hair down..."

-"Keep Your Head Up" by Andy Grammer

Strange Conversations: It was one of those days where I didn't get much accomplished, mostly because of two conversations I got into. One started out innocently enough and led to a nearly 40 minute long conversation that did not give us any closer to did reinforce what we already knew (useful?  or not?).  The second one was by phone and it was just a chance to chat with someone who wanted to make sure I was doing okay.  It was funny, because they asked me about something and I told them that I had not heard anything...but tonight when I got home, I saw that I had an e-mail about that very thing.  It was a bit surreal, as if her asking me about it led to it happening.  With those two things taking up my time, 3:00 pm arrived all too quickly and I had to head to the eye doctor.  The conversations were strange, but both good in their own way.

Disrespect: I really dislike it when someone asks me for my advice, or asks me to take over something and when I give them something to do, they don't bother listening to me.  Instead they move forward and make a decision that turns out to be costly, and all I can think is "why did you bother asking me in the first place, if you weren't going to do as I told you to do?"  Really?  Then of course, there are the people who don't trust you to do your job and in their second-guessing, they show themselves to be ignorant (and in some cases, down-right stupid).  If I give you something with the information that you need in order to proceed, then you should trust that the information is correct (by the way, it always has been in the past).  But you show your distrust and you start asking questions that one e-mail would have cleared up.  You start putting out requests for expensive procedures.  All the while, if you had just asked me, I could have told you why we didn't need the expensive purchase.  That one really steams me, like almost nothing else.

Day 157: 2/15/12 - "The Day I Tried to Live"

"I woke the same as any other day

Except a voice was in my head

It said seize the day, pull the trigger

Drop the blade, and watch the rolling heads...

Words you say never seem

To live up to the ones inside your head

The lives we make never seem 

To ever get us anywhere but dead...

I woke the same as any other day you know

I should have stayed in bed...

And I learned that I was a liar

Just like you..."

"The Day I Tried to Live" by Soundgarden

My New Addiction: My friends know that I really don't have any addictions in my life.  I can give up things easily as needed and don't get very attached to many things.  Of course, technology may be a possible new addiction for me.  And now I have a Kindle Fire, so I'm likely going to wind up carrying it with me everywhere and using it in ways that I never imagined.  I can already see the benefits as compared to trying to use my phone to search for things.  The larger screen is very handy.  Now I just need to get a case so that I can protect it - no way I want anything happening to this baby!

Rough Day: Some days are just tough.  I woke up this morning angry and I didn't know why.  I felt like throwing things and stomping (which I didn't) and slamming doors (which I did).  It was completely out of character and also very frustrating, because if I'm going to be angry, I want to know why!  Luckily I didn't take my mood into work with me (not really, though some frustrating things happened there as well, and I did get angry about one of them, but I was able to keep it even keeled).  I can only hope that tomorrow is better...and try my best to make it that way.

Mardi Gras: I realized that on the same day as when I plan to make muffins for an event, it will be Fat Tuesday and I want to also make a King cake.  I think that I might be baked out this weekend, and I'll need to make the King cake on Sunday and the muffins on Monday night.  That should work...I hope...

Day 141: 1/30/12 - "Say Hello 2 Heaven"

"I, I never wanted

To write these words down for you

With the pages of phrases

Of things we'll never do..."

-"Say Hello 2 Heaven" by Temple of the Dog

Long Overdue: So, those who know me well know that I am super cheap...the ones who are more polite say "frugal" but I'm honest - I'm cheap.  This is why, even though my purse was barely hanging on by a thread and looked like it had seen much better days, I insisted on hanging on to it until the bitter end.  My friends will be very happy to know that I finally caved a bought a new purse on Saturday.  I got it at target, and yes, it was on sale (you can't knock the cheap out of me overnight!).  But I do think it is super cute and it the right size for me. Let's see how long this one lasts though!

Pet Peeves: You all know that I have a few pet peeves.  Today, the one that came out was rude people who won't let others cross the street (or the parking lot in this case).  Twice today I had to wait for a slow moving car to go past me when they could have easily stopped and let me go across to my car.  The worst one was this afternoon when I was the one in the rain.  People, you are in your car and dry...let the person out in the rain go by!  I know that there are no real rules here, and I did stop in safe places so as not to get run over, but come on!  Be a little nicer to each other!

Wardrobe Malfunction: I've decided that my entire wardrobe is a malfunction!  I looked at the outfit that wore today and my shoes and cringed in horror.  What happened to the stylish person I used to be?  I remember when I worked at UTK that I had nice clothes, and cute shoes!  Now I have dowdy clothing and I wear sneakers to work or even when I wear my cute shoes, I negate them with the rest of my clothes.  It's going to cost me a bit, but I think it is time to update the entire wardrobe, including the shoes...I think I can find something comfortable, even though it will cost me more than I want to spend (see the Long Overdue entry above).

Day 118: 1/7/12 - "Open Up Your Eyes"

"Choosing stones...

big enough to drag me down.

Where I am...

People's voices make hollow sounds

Just be quiet...

They'll go away

Open up your eyes

Don't let your mind tell the story here."

-"Open Up Your Eyes" by Tonic

What to do, what to do!  I hate feeling indecisive about anything.  I'm a big fan of being able to make a decision (with the best information available to me) and feeling confident in that decision (no matter the outcome).  But today I'm floating in the Indecisive Sea of Angst.  Talk about ruining my productivity!  When I get indecisive about decisions I also tend to get a little listless - I don't want to do anything!  I really need to work on that and learn to separate the parts of my life that need decisions to be made from those that I should just be able to work on without worrying about making a decision.  Take my knitting for example - that shouldn't require anything but monotonous, repetitive, I'm getting sleepy, action.  Which is why I'm going to go work on that right now!

When friends piss you off: I find that I often get very mad at my friends, though I still consider them to be my friends.  There are days where there actions or words make me want to throw something at them!  But then I remind myself that it is just them being them, and that to be a friend you often have to accept those things. I also realize that they likely get pissed at me too - so I should be very careful about thinking about it as a one way street.  But today was definitely an "I need some rotten tomatoes to throw" kind of day!

Day 117: 1/6/12 - "Outside"

"I'm on the outside

I'm looking in

I can see through you

See your true colors

Cause inside your ugly..."

-"Outside" by Staind

I Only Ask for Equality: I've never expected or asked anyone for special treatment.  I only wanted to be afforded the same level of respect that you give others.  So why do you keep changing the rules and disrespecting me in the process?  I'm thinking of all of the analogies that I can compare this to.  Speaking out of both sides of your mouth...two-faced...wishy-washy...none of them are very positive for you.  But of course you can't see yourself the way others see you.  You think your behaviors are justified and right.  And you, of course, have no intention of ever apologizing for the bad way you treated me in the past.  Luckily for me, I don't hold grudges. But the writing is on the wall - you don't have to hit me twice for me to get the true picture.  I'll be out of your hair soon enough!

Day 112: 1/1/12 - "Pardon Me"

"A decade ago, I never thought I would be

At twenty three on the verge of spontaneous combustion woe is me

But I guess that it comes with the territory

An ominous landscape of never-ending calamity.

I need you to hear. I need you to see.

That I have had all I can take

And exploding seems like a definite possibility

To me..."

-"Pardon Me" by Incubus

Today Was Not a Good Day: I should have known when I went to bed feeling sorry for myself that I was not going to have a good day today.  I woke up feeling worse than when I went to bed and the day only went downhill from there.  I can only blame myself for my bad mood and the bad things that happened today.  No one else did anything to make this day worse...it was all me.  I can't put my finger on what exactly sparked my downhill slide.  I've tried to look back at a number of things and see if I could lay the blame on one event, one person, even just one thought, but I honestly can't.  I think it must be a combination of things that have just started to pile up on me and now I feel like I can't move.  I feel old today.  My body hurts.  My mind hurts.  I don't know what to do to make it better.

Dreaming Big: I once wrote that I stopped dreaming, and on some fronts, this is still true.  But I also realized today that in many ways and for many things, I'm still dreaming big.  I know without a doubt that none of these dreams will actually come true, but these are the ones that are still with me.  I'll write about these dreams one day...just not today...

One down...364 to go...