Day 234: 5/2/12 - "Hopeless"

"I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change around me...
Why do things have to change

But you don't need my pictures on your wall
You say you need no one
And you don't need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one
Is anybody waiting at home for you
'Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's
Anybody waiting at home for you
'Cause it's time that will tell this tale

You're in and out up and down
Wonder if you're lost or found...

I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change..."

-"Hopeless" by Train

Why Do You Have to Be Angry All the Time?  I asked myself this question today when I finally made it home from work.  I asked it because between yesterday and today, I spent nearly every waking moment either angry, frustrated, or both.  I also spent most of the day with a headache, heartburn, and a stomach ache.  I have no doubt it was due to the emotions I was trying to control.  I spent two hours in a meeting biting my lip, averting my eyes, and generally trying not to scream in anger...only to have someone ask me if I was feeling alright.  My response.  "I'm fine."  I wouldn't have told them even if it were otherwise...But this isn't about why I was angry - it would take me two posts to detail that and I'm not in the mood to rehash things that would only take me back to that dark place I was in today.  Instead I'm focusing on what I plan to do to eliminate days like the past two days.  If I don't want to spend my life angry (and likely shorten my life), then I need to do something about the things causing the anger.  In my case that means re-evaluating parts of my life that I have control over.  There are things that you cannot control and I know this better than most.  But I can control how long I let some things impact me and I can refuse to let certain individuals have control over my life at all.  I want to look in the mirror and see myself smile again...truly smile despite all that has gone wrong in my life.  I had reached a point where I was okay with the person I was.  That's not true anymore.  I'm on a mission to find that person again, and to hell with anyone who thinks they have the right to get in my way.

Removing Ingredients May Be Hazardous to Your Baking!  I was attempting to make a slightly healthier cupcake tonight and failed only slightly.  They baked up nicely, but more like a bread than a cupcake.  They also stuck to the bottom of the paper (which annoys me to no end!), but they were edible.  I'll have to try 1/2 sugar next time since I think that is what caused the sticking.  But it could be the lack of oil as well (which tends to cause sticking too).