Day 269: 6/6/12 - "Mexico"

"You could see me reaching,
So why couldn't you have met me halfway
You could see me bleeding
But you could not put pressure on the wound

You only think about yourself.
You only think about yourself.
You'd better bend before I go..."

-Mexico by Incubus

I Don't Shush People: But I really wish I could have shushed the construction workers who came by to set up the scaffolding for a project today.  They weren't being just naturally loud...they were adding extra emphasis (throwing metal bars up and down the scaffolding, so that when metal hit metal you heard a loud clang).  I'm surprised more of our students didn't leave but apparently they were okay with it.  It was just the staff who had headaches and were ready to throw the construction workers outs.

New Symptoms: I'm glad I'm scheduled for the doctor next week - it is beyond time for me to get an answer for the issues I'm dealing with.  With new ones appearing almost daily, I've lost track of when something started and whether or not I could have caused it by my own behavior.  I'll get my answer soon - just hope it's one I can live with.

Day 268: 6/5/12 - "I Will Never Be The Same"

"So you walked with me for a while

bared your naked soul

And you told me of your plan

How you would never let them know

In the morning of the night

You cried a long lost child

And I tried, oh I tried to hold you

But you were young and you were wild

And I, I will never be the same

Oh I, I will never be the same..."

-"I Will Never Be The Same" by Melissa Etheridge

Another One Lost Too Soon: I don't know what I originally planned to post about tonight.  I'm sure I had some thoughts in my head from my day today.  But instead I will write about my cousin, Dawn, who died today.  Dawn and I weren't close in the sense of growing up together.  But we were close in age.  She and my brother are only a few months apart and I think her sister Kim and I are about the same age.  No matter, thinking about Dawn being gone makes me think about how I'd feel if I lost my brother.  I wouldn't be ready to let him go.  I don't know how Kim or her little sister Nicki are doing right now.  I'm sure this is still too fresh and too new for them to be able to digest it at all.  I may not have been close to Dawn, but she was still family, I still knew her, and now she is gone.

We called her Mookie.  I don't know why, but it fit.  She had a great smile (I'm told she looked a lot like her mother) and she always seemed to be laughing whenever I saw her.  I don't know what kind of life she had.  By the time I have memories of her, we were all much older, though I have vague memories of us when we were younger.  I'm sad to say that most of the time I saw Dawn was at a funeral, though there were a couple of family get togethers that weren't so sad.  I think the last time I saw her she had come to visit my Mom when she was in the hospital after having back surgery.  She and Kim love my mom and losing Dawn must feel a lot like losing a daughter to my mother.  I think about her children and hope that they will be able to move forward and on with their lives.  I have no doubt that their aunts will be there for them - but I'm sure it won't be the same.

I don't know why Dawn died - I have a vague sense of my mom saying she may have been diabetic, had gotten an infection in her kidney, or something along those lines.  It doesn't really matter since she was only 38 years old.  38 and gone too soon.  I know others have lost someone much younger.  We lost my other cousin a couple of years ago now and she wasn't even 30 yet.  We lost my cousin Pistol when he was much younger than that.  Each loss wears on me as I wonder about the fact that they are gone but I am still here.  They all had children - children who will now have to grow up without a parent.  I see some of these children when I go home to visit - they are being raised by my cousins and they are getting love and support. But it's not the same.  Why are they gone, but I'm still here?

I won't sleep tonight - I never do when I'm struck by any level of grief.  I'm being selfish right now and thinking about myself.  I can't help but to think about what I will lose one day.  We all lose someone...sometimes we lose ourselves.  I have to remind myself that when its me, I won't know it...I won't know anything.  What will I leave behind?  I have no children to find someone to care for...I have only me.  Who will leave me behind and what will I leave behind?  I won't sleep tonight, but that's nothing new.  I won't sleep tonight, thinking about what I'll leave behind, thinking about being left behind...I won't sleep tonight.

Day 267: 6/4/12 - "Voices"

"You could say I'm a little bit crazy

You could call me insane

Walkin' round with all these whispers

Runnin' round here in my brain..."

-"Voices" by Chris Young

When it Starts to Get to You: I know I'm letting things get to me when I start to forget things that I shouldn't.  Today I barely remembered I was supposed to be at work early and made it just on time.  Then I forgot that I had switched desk shifts around and actually didn't have to be at the desk, but still rushed through my lunch as if I had to be (my stomach did not appreciate the abuse).  I made it through the rest of the afternoon and thought it was getting better, but I got home and realized I was supposed to stop at the store to pick up some butter for the baking I had to do.  I got lucky when I found I had enough (just enough) to make my batch of buttercream.  And then...the buttercream fell apart!  And I had no more butter - I was so upset!  Then I sat down and decided to do my post (before I forgot one more thing).  I logged into my e-mail just to see what was there and low and behold - I got my reminder for my two chat shifts...that I had forgotten completely.  Jeez...I feel like such a dumb ass right now!  I have to get it together and soon - I can't keep letting the actions of others (or the inactions in some cases) ruin my life.  I have to focus, accomplish as much as I can and try to be my best - that is all I can do!

Banana Cream Cupcakes: Since I messed up the buttercream, I don't have any nice pictures to post, but at least I can report that the cupcakes themselves (vanilla with banana cream and banana with banana cream) were absolutely delicious...moist, soft, and tasty!  Then I killed the butter cream and ruined everything.  I won't post a picture of the ruined buttercream - it breaks my heart to even think about it.  And what a waste of ingredients!  I think that bothers me more than anything else.  I hate wasting anything!

Day 266: 6/3/12 - "Break Stuff"

"Its just one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sucks..."

-"Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit

Epic Fail: Today was one of those days that was just never going to go right, from beginning to end.  I woke up before my alarm with a headache, but after eating, it dissipated enough for me to think that the day would get better.  I headed out to play tennis and didn't win a single game!  I barely one a point.  It was like I couldn't see the ball, couldn't move my feet, couldn't hit a shot.  Nothing went right at all.  I know that I'm not a tennis player by trade, so having a a day like that is no big deal, but it really bothered me that I couldn't do anything right.  It just felt as if that short tennis match was a microcosm of my life...I can't do anything right.  I made it home, showered and then promptly forgot that I needed to go to the store.  I got home, fixed  my meals and immediately realized that the headache was back and had been joined by a return of the pain I've had for the past week.  I was hoping it had gone away for good, but it was back with a vengeance.  The rest of the day has been a blur as I've tried to figure out how to make myself feel better.  Nothing has worked yet...

Day 265: 6/2/12 - "White Flag"

"I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be..."

-"White Flag" by Dido

So Sad: There are days when I look at my life and realized just how empty it is sometimes.  Today was one of those days.  I wanted to get up and go do something but I didn't have anyone to call and I didn't want to go out by myself.  I've gone through periods of time where I don't care if I'm alone when I go out to eat, or go to the movies.  But today I knew I would be too self-conscious to do that.  I'd think about people staring at me and feeling sorry for the girl who has to eat alone, watch a movie alone, be alone.  Yes, this reeks of paranoia and is not logical, but it is how I would feel and I know I wouldn't enjoy the food, the movie, or even just the time.  So I stay home instead and  feel sorry for myself instead of dealing with people feeling sorry for me.  Ironic, huh?

Day 264: 6/1/12 - "11am"

"seven a.m.,
the garbage truck beeps as it backs up
and I start my day thinking about what I've thrown away.
Could I push rewind?
The credits traverse signifying the end but I missed the best part.
Could we please go back to start?

Forgive my indecision..."

-"11am" by Incubus

No Sleep...My smoke alarms started malfunctioning last night right around 11pm.  It happened once, then an hour later, then 5 minutes later, then 10 minutes later.  It tried to go to bed with cotton in my ears and hoped for the best, but I was so tense waiting for the stupid thing to beep that I didn't fall asleep until 3pm.  Then someone's car alarm malfunctioned and started going off at 5am.  I finally made myself get up at 6am since it was pretty much a lost cause.  I was so tired at work today I could barely see straight let alone think straight!  I'm going to have to do some work over the weekend to actually catch up on things. 


Farewell: Today we had a short going away party for a staff member who will be going to another local university.  Though we were there for to say goodbye, I couldn't help but to notice the cake that was catered.  I was surprised by the lack of quality shown in the cake.  It was a marble cake with vanilla icing.  The icing was definitely not fresh buttercream (tasted like it came out of a canister).  The cake was moist though and fairly tasty (if not a little lopsided...though I know how that can happen!).  Even the decorations were basic - not sure what the Libraries paid for the cake, but I suspect they were overcharged...And that's not just the baker in me jealously talking!

Day 263: 5/31/12 - "Heaven Forbid"

"Twenty years it's breaking you down, 

now that you understand there's no one around.
Take a breath, just take a seat, 

you're falling apart and tearing at the seams.

It's on your face, is it on your mind, 

would you care to build a house of your own.
How much longer, how long can you wait, 

It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright..."

-"Heaven Forbid" by the Fray

You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!  I was sitting at home minding my own business when all of a sudden my fire alarms started to blare.  They only beeped 3 times each, but they were loud, annoying, and totally out of the blue.  No, I wasn't cooking anything - the oven hadn't even been on tonight.  No, I wasn't using the microwave.  I have no idea why they started to go off.  I checked outside to see if my neighbors were burning down the complex and there is no smell of smoke, no heat, nothing.  I thought all was good, but then they did it again right at Midnight!  What is this?  Some kind of joke?  Alarms don't get to go off for no reason.  These aren't the kind that I should have to get up and put batteries into because they are wired to work together.  I mess with one and they both go off!  I'll have to check with the complex tomorrow since I don't want to be scared awake by alarms (or have my neighbors yelling at me about it either).  Guess I'll try to go to sleep now...and hope for peace and quiet...