"So you walked with me for a while
bared your naked soul
And you told me of your plan
How you would never let them know
In the morning of the night
You cried a long lost child
And I tried, oh I tried to hold you
But you were young and you were wild
And I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same..."
-"I Will Never Be The Same" by Melissa Etheridge
Another One Lost Too Soon: I don't know what I originally planned to post about tonight. I'm sure I had some thoughts in my head from my day today. But instead I will write about my cousin, Dawn, who died today. Dawn and I weren't close in the sense of growing up together. But we were close in age. She and my brother are only a few months apart and I think her sister Kim and I are about the same age. No matter, thinking about Dawn being gone makes me think about how I'd feel if I lost my brother. I wouldn't be ready to let him go. I don't know how Kim or her little sister Nicki are doing right now. I'm sure this is still too fresh and too new for them to be able to digest it at all. I may not have been close to Dawn, but she was still family, I still knew her, and now she is gone.
We called her Mookie. I don't know why, but it fit. She had a great smile (I'm told she looked a lot like her mother) and she always seemed to be laughing whenever I saw her. I don't know what kind of life she had. By the time I have memories of her, we were all much older, though I have vague memories of us when we were younger. I'm sad to say that most of the time I saw Dawn was at a funeral, though there were a couple of family get togethers that weren't so sad. I think the last time I saw her she had come to visit my Mom when she was in the hospital after having back surgery. She and Kim love my mom and losing Dawn must feel a lot like losing a daughter to my mother. I think about her children and hope that they will be able to move forward and on with their lives. I have no doubt that their aunts will be there for them - but I'm sure it won't be the same.
I don't know why Dawn died - I have a vague sense of my mom saying she may have been diabetic, had gotten an infection in her kidney, or something along those lines. It doesn't really matter since she was only 38 years old. 38 and gone too soon. I know others have lost someone much younger. We lost my other cousin a couple of years ago now and she wasn't even 30 yet. We lost my cousin Pistol when he was much younger than that. Each loss wears on me as I wonder about the fact that they are gone but I am still here. They all had children - children who will now have to grow up without a parent. I see some of these children when I go home to visit - they are being raised by my cousins and they are getting love and support. But it's not the same. Why are they gone, but I'm still here?
I won't sleep tonight - I never do when I'm struck by any level of grief. I'm being selfish right now and thinking about myself. I can't help but to think about what I will lose one day. We all lose someone...sometimes we lose ourselves. I have to remind myself that when its me, I won't know it...I won't know anything. What will I leave behind? I have no children to find someone to care for...I have only me. Who will leave me behind and what will I leave behind? I won't sleep tonight, but that's nothing new. I won't sleep tonight, thinking about what I'll leave behind, thinking about being left behind...I won't sleep tonight.
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