Day 171: 2/29/12 - "Don't Let Me Get Me"

"Everyday I fight a war against the mirror

I can't take the person starin' back at me..."

-"Don't Let Me Get Me" by P!nk

Happy Leap Year:  It's always interesting when Leap Year rolls around because of that extra day.  I actually know someone born on February 29th and we always joked that he aged more slowly than others, since he really only celebrated his birthday every 4 years.  That would make him a little over 8 years old now...I think (math was never my strong suit). 

When Life Bites Back:  You always try to take a bite out of life and live it to the fullest.  But what do you do when life bites back?  It does to me on a regular basis, but it really hit a couple of people I know pretty hard over the past week or so.  I try to help them cope but its difficult when things make them feel embarrassed and they aren't willing/able to share the whole or true story with you.  I'll keep plugging away, and hopefully make them see that it is not just them, that others are struggling too, and that they can't just give up.  Pot calling the kettle black!

Day 170: 2/28/12 - "Heaven"

"Maybe I should take my time

And build this life by my own design

With no direction and it's in between

Everything I love and everything I need"

-"Heaven" by O.A.R.

Real Conversations: It's funny how you sometimes get to have conversations with someone that are a bit unexpected but turn out to be one of the best conversations you could have had - especially at that particular time.  That's what happened to me today and though I didn't learn anything new, it was good to get a chance to have someone validate my own thoughts and plans.  It was also painful for me to recount some things that bothered me when they happened but I now realize I had absorbed them and they were festering in me.  This is what leads to increased stress, which is not good for me emotionally or physically.  I now have both feet planted on the ground and pointed in the right direction.  I also have a plan....

Small Victories: Today I accomplished something so small, so insignificant, that no one else would really care or understand.  But to me, it was a victory, albeit a small one.  I can't go into great detail, but suffice it to say that I won the stare down; held my breath the longest; blinked last...you get my drift.  I won!

Planning a Trip: I'm going to plan a trip for myself.  I need to take a vacation - I need to get away.  I need to go and do something fun and completely out of character for me!  I don't know what this is just yet, but I'll figure it out soon.  I also know that no matter what I do, I won't feel guilty about it...won't second guess myself...and won't mope around my hotel room...and won't forget why I'm there to begin with.

Day 169: 2/27/12 - "Fine Again"

"It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold"

-"Fine Again" by Seether

Insomnia:  For some reason I've hit the wall of no sleep again.  I haven't had this problem in a while, and usually it happens when I'm way too stressed.  I'm starting to notice my heart murmur more as well.  My cardiologist mentioned that it was casused by stress, so I need to start taking a real look at my life ot see if I can figure out how to reduce the stress I'm feeling.  I don't deserve a heart problem at my age.  I don't deserve the levels of stress I'm feeling.  I deserve the opportunity to have a normal life with lots of opportunities for joy along with the pain.  Right now I have only the pain.  I should be asleep now, knowing I have to get up tomorrow.  I'll eventually doze off but I'll sleep fitfully and when I wake up, I'll be even more tired than when I went to sleep.  Yep, insomnia is my only friend right now, just not one I want to have hanging around.

Day 168: 2/26/12 - "Around Here"

"Around here, we always stand up straight

Round here, something radiates..."

-"Around Here" by The Counting Crows

The Voice: I know I'm not a singer, but I would love to have the chance to be on a show like The Voice.  The Voice truly gives people who love to sing the chance to be heard by four amazing artists who have different tastes in music.  I have to admit that there are times when I disagree with them and think they either should turn around or not have turned around, but I do feel that I'm impacted by the very thing that they aren't, and that's the back story of the person and how they look.  I know I'd never be anyone's idea of a music superstar based on how I look, and no doubt I wouldn't really wow them with my voice, but to have a chance!  There are times when I sing when even I realize I sound really good...and then there are times when I sounds like something that is dying a slow painful death.  But to have a chance...

Day 167: 2/25/12 - "Furious Rose"

"Cause I'm barely balancing as it is

And I don't want to drown in my dreams..."

-"Furious Rose" by Lisa Loeb

Diploma Dash: Today was the Diploma Dash, my first race since the 2009 Race for the Cure in Raleigh.  I didn't do badly, I must say.  I finish in 35:30 and averaged a sub 12 minute mile.  I'm nowhere near my 31:00 time that I ran back in Knoxville in 2007, but now I at least have hope that I might be able to get back there.  I did much better running outside than I did on the treadmill.  For some reason when I try to do 5K on the treadmill (or any long distance) I just get tired easily and bored out of my mind!  Now I'll have to look out for other races that I can afford.  I definitely want to run them while the weather is good, because no way I'm running a race in Texas summer time weather.  Kudos to the rest of the JPL Joggers.  Our team of 4 all finished the race (and we all ran at our own pace).  I will say that I was both glad to see the number of women out running, but surprised at how many of the young women who looked fit, but could not run the whole race.  Most of them clearly started out running because they were far ahead of me, but I wound up passing them during the second mile.  It just goes to show that body type and size aren't always the best predictors of health or physical ability!

Working My Life Away: It felt that way today as I tried to tackle my e-mail and catch up on work (and get ready for Monday and the rest of the week).  I know I should take more time for myself but it is harder to do that when I worry that I won't be able to get everything done next week (and I know others are expecting me to produce things).  I hope that I'll have time to do everything that needs to be done and also the extra things that I think I need to be doing to continue to develop professionally.  I guess you can call it homework!

Day 166: 2/24/12 - "Run"

"Are these times contagious?

I've never been this bored before.

Is this the prize I've waited for...

Have I got a long way to run..."

-"Run" by Collective Soul

Big Race Tomorrow: Tomorrow is the Diploma Dash and I'm both excited and anxious about running in my first race in a long time (since 2009 Race for the Cure!).  I'm super psyched to see what my time will be but I'm worried about how my knee will hold up.  The good news is that the weather should be a little cool and I tend to run better in this type of weather.  The bad news is that it might rain and it will likely be very windy (which makes for tough running!).  I hope I can sustain my pace and not get run over by the other 2,000 people there...and not finish 2,000th!

Some People Are Just...Mean:  Okay, so I'm not a Taylor Swift fan, but I felt like channeling her today when I was dealing with the actions of grown ups acting like petty, small children.  Immaturity has no place in professional locations, nor does it have any place in deciding or impacting the future of someone else.  The fact that I was expected to accept that and just sign my name on the dotted line is comical to me.  No chance that would ever happen!  I can only hope that they will get what is truly coming to them based on their actions. 

Day 165: 2/23/12 - "Time After Time"

"Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you

Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new..."

-"Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper

It Ain't Good For You..I hit The Cheesecake Factory with some colleagues tonight and actually did pretty well in terms of the food.  I decided to treat myself to a piece of Oreo cheesecake...which is gone so don't ask for a bite!  I had something off of the skinnilicious menu so that I could balance better.  Now I just have to get out of bed in the morning and actually try to move around...I've been having trouble with that for the last few weeks.

Odd Dreams: Last night I dreamed I was in Hawaii (yay!) and learning how to surf (fun!) and then driving around with some of the locals and hitting a restaurant for dinner.  This wasn't an odd dream because it was bad...but rather, an odd dream because it was so benign.  I could also feel the water as I learned to surf, and feel the wind blowing over me as we rode in the car.  It was a very tactile dream that I wouldn't mind returning to!