Day 14: 9/25/11 - "Untitled"

"I close my eyes and dream that love will find me.
And I say a prayer, whisper my hope, for understanding.
But no one is there, to hold my hand, to love me
And no, I don't see, I don't hear, no one calls to me."

- "Untitled" by Kawanna Bright

Peanut Butter Carob Cranberry Mega Muffins: Yep, I've been baking again, but what's new? I tend to do that when I'm at my lowest. I had some carob powder in the house so I decided to turn it into something edible and I came up with the following recipe.

Ingredients

1/2 cup peanut butter
1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce
3/4 cup light brown sugar
1/4 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
1 cup flour
1/2 cup oat bran
1/4 cup wheat germ
1/4 cup carob powder
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
2/3 cup milk
1/4 - 1/2 cup dried cranberries (optional)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line the cups of an over-sized muffin pan (or a regular cup-cake pan) with paper liners and set aside.

In a small bowl, combine the dry ingredients and set aside. In the mixing bowl combine the peanut butter and applesauce until well blended. Add in the sugars, eggs, and vanilla and beat until well blended. Slowly add the dry ingredients and the milk alternately and mix until you have a smooth batter. Stir in the dried cranberries.

Using a large spoon, fill the pre-lined muffin cups nearly to the top if making the over-sized muffing (1/2 to 2/3 if using a regular muffin pan). Place pan in the oven and bake for 18 to 20 minutes. Check with a toothpick to make sure the muffins are done. Remove from oven and allow to cool on a wire rack.

This may be the only thing I accomplish this entire weekend, which is sad (though I will say that I ate one of the muffins and it was pretty good!). They are about 400 calories each, but have some decent protein and fiber in them, so not all bad.

All Choked Up: I'm turning into one of those people who cries about everything. Used to be just certain movies or news stories would get me started. But now, I can look at an image, hear a sound, have a random thought, and my eyes start to well and I usually end up wiping away a tear. It's a tough way to exist because it feels so out of control and out of character. I'm supposed to be the strong one!

Zoo City: I'm reading a book called Zoo City by Lauren Beukes and though its been a slow read (not because of the story, because of me) I find that I'm enjoying the story. There is something about reading about possible future worlds and seeing so much possible truth there that I really enjoy. Too bad I can't get myself to finish my own stories - not that I'm anything like Lauren Beukes or any other real author. No chance I'll ever be published.

Why I Admire Michelle Obama: I've seen her just about everywhere lately. On the cover of my Essence magazine that came in the mail. On Extreme Home Makeover lending a hand, and of course in the news. But no matter where I see here, I see someone with a lot of poise and love of her family. I can't really even put into words what it is about her that I find so admirable, and maybe that's just it. She seems like a normal person (wife, mother) no matter what she is doing. And I have to admit that I love the fact that she is a hugger - no matter the station of the person she is meeting. Others are put off by this, but I think it makes her more genuine. And I can't deny that I appreciate how statuesque she is!

Day 13: 9/24/11 - "Breakeven"

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in..."

- "Breakeven" by The Script

Failure: It's funny how some days I feel like an absolute failure no matter what I do. After working a 12 hour day yesterday, you'd think I would sleep well and wake up refreshed today. Instead, I slept for an hour, woke up startled, struggled to go back to sleep, woke up again coughing and feeling stuffed up, and finally rolled over at 9:30 - an hour later than I normally get up on Saturday. Then I hit the gym and couldn't even run my 5k like I planned to. I'm starting to feel that I'll never be able to run a 5k normally again - and this saddens me. I finished my work out and got back home but when I made my pancakes I didn't bother to smell the milk and poured it right into the mixture. Then noticed the rank smell that was now coming out of my food. I had to dump all of the milk down the drain, but luckily the sour milk smell baked out of the pancakes. The day only went downhill mood-wise from there when I realized that my Dad's birthday is on Monday and I forgot to buy and mail his card so that it would arrive on his birthday. Some daughter I am. The one thing I did accomplish today? I cleaned up the files on my laptop, because fro some dumb ass reason that was the only thing I wanted to do.

Panic - Anxiety - Same Difference? Are panic attacks and anxiety attacks the same thing? I'm trying to figure this out because I nearly had one today and I'm sure it would have been a full-blown anxiety attack. I've had similar things happen to me in the past and I usually struggle to get my heart rate and breathing back to normal. I wonder if one day I'll have to go to a doctor for these because I suspect they could become incapacitating if not controlled.

Oklahoma Wins Again: I didn't get any real joy out of the win as I usually do. I'm starting to lose my zealousness when it comes to my Sooners, which is sad. I liked being one of those nutty fans who lived and died with her team. Now I just shrug when they do something wrong and think, "oh well." What happened to that girl would you curse and cry and yell at the TV? I'm starting to miss her and wonder if I'm losing even more of myself than I first thought.

Day 12: 9/23/11 - "Shiver"

"Immobilized by the thought of you
Paralyzed by the sight of you
Hypnotized by the words you say
Not true but I believe 'em anyway"

- "Shiver" by Maroon 5

12 Hour Shifts Are For the Young: I haven't had to work a 12 hour shift in well over a year. Last night as I got ready for bed I had this thought that I was going to have to work 12 hours tomorrow. I just knew it. Sure enough, when I got in to work today my staff member who closes had called in sick. So I got to stay and despite my best efforts to be coherent and logical, by the time 8 pm rolled around I was pretty much punch drunk. I'm just hoping I actually locked up everything like I was supposed to and put the keys back up - that would suck if I forgot.

Staffing is Important: People keep telling me that I need to consider whether the staffing I have is what I need or if we could consider hiring students, and I keep telling them "no, students aren't the answer for us here - not the way we have things set up." Then I checked my e-mail, found out that I have a "secret" folder and found a message from a librarian who wanted to tell me that we needed to change our information on our chat entry page because we weren't being accurate about who was staffing the chat service vs. who was staffing the desk, etc. I wanted to laugh at the audacity of this person. Apparently they are on a mission to make us all put that information on our websites so that we aren't confusing the patrons. I mean, we wouldn't want our students being confused about who working in a library is actually a librarian, now would we? And lets insult the people who've been providing reference services for 10 years by telling them that they aren't good enough or smart enough, just because they don't have their MLS. Get over yourself and pay attention to your own library!

Back to the actual rant at hand - the students we currently have now (not in my department) aren't capable of handling any situation on their own, let alone staff an information desk. And what are the odds that I'll be able to find those "great" students who could actually be trained and trusted to provide high quality service? I'm not ready to deal with this and really don't think this is the time for us. I've got enough staffing issues on my plate not to add this to the discussion.

Motivation: Maybe this should be Lack of Motivation instead. I'm seriously struggling to find any passion for what I do right now. I look at my list of things to cover and I simply frown. Not because I'm worried about whether I can or cannot do them, but because I honestly don't care whether they get done or not. I need to refocus and hopefully I will find something I care about soon. I need a boost to my morale and also a kick in my butt from someone or something to make me actually want to do something...anything.

Day 11: 9/22/11 - "A Murder of One"

"All your life is such a shame, shame, shame.

All your love is just a dream, dream dream.
Open up your eyes, you can see the flames, flames, flames.
Of a wasted life, you should be ashamed..."

- "A Murder of One" by Counting Crows

Is Trail Mix Comfort Food? I've been doing my usual refusal to make anything for dinner this week (too tired!). Yesterday I had a peanut butter, banana and chocolate chip sandwich for dinner and a bowl of cereal. Today, I had a chicken and cheese wrap and some tortilla chips. But of course I was still hungry later and I wanted comfort food...which was nowhere to be found in my house. But I did have some sweet and some tangy things in the house, so I was able to throw together a quick bowl of trail mix. I basically combined some Special K low fat granola, some cherried cranberries, some roasted sunflower seeds, and some chocolate chips in a bowl and ate it. Nothing drastic but it was pretty good and filled me up the way trail mix usually does. Doubt it was the healthiest thing I've ever put together but I know its not the most unhealthiest.

College Athletic Conference - Big Business: I've been listening to the ESPN commentators talk about the realignments in college football (for someone who grew up in the SEC and went to school in the Big XII and the Pac-10, it's been downright crazy), and I've been really surprised at the lack of foresight by many in these conferences. Talk of jealousy and in-fighting is being thrown out there as the reason for the craziness but I think its more than even that. I truly do think its about money and we all know what money can do to any discussion. At least these conversations help us ignore the real issues that are going on with college athletics...at least for now.

Insincerity: I don't know what to say to people when they apologize to me for something and I know they truly don't mean it. If you knew it was going to upset me or hurt me, then why did you do it in the first place? This is not something new that has occurred in my life - seems to be an old refrain. I'll hopefully never learn to be this way with others - I find I don't like the people who act this way and I already don't like myself, so why make it worse? I'll recover though hell is ahead...

Oh Well: This has become my response to everything, whether it is good or bad. Makes me wonder if I'm losing my kind heart. I used to consider myself to be a genuinely kind person (with a bit of a selfish streak as well). Now I think I'm just going through the motions. I hope I don't turn into one of those people who ignores the suffering of others when I could help...I really hope that doesn't happen.

Day 10: 9/21/11 - "Long Way Down"

"Long way down, I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down, I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down, I don't think I'll make it on my own"

- "Long Way Down" by the Goo Goo Dolls

Crying in Your Dreams: Yesterday I noted that I woke up angry and I didn't know why. Today I woke up sad and crying...and I don't know why. It makes me feel like I'm leading some other life while I sleep. I know I'm waking up sore and tired most mornings as well - and though I know this is likely due to my increased exercising, it makes me wonder what I'm doing in my dreams? I know I only remember parts of my dreams and that hopefully I'm actually dreaming more than I'm remembering (because then I'd be truly "asleep"). Last night, the only dream I remember was hanging out with the Bryan brothers. For those who don't know them, these are the twins who play professional tennis - usually very well. For some reason I was handing one of them, Bob I think it was, his racquet and encouraging him on the court. What is that about?!?!

From Sad to Angry: Of course, when I wake up sad I often wind up going straight to being mad because I'm so confused about feeling sad before the day even starts. I'd at least like the opportunity to face the day with good humor. Instead, I wake up with a giant black cloud hanging over my head. And this makes me angry. This played out the usual way in the fitness center as I angrily swatted at mosquitoes who seemed hell-bent on trying to bite me. I didn't even get one but the satisfaction of trying to kill one seemed to help me lower my anger threshold. Of course, I then got sad and down again because not only did I not kill the mosquito, but I couldn't even run my two miles. I left the fitness center feeling like a failure...

So You Don't Get Surprised: Most of the time I prefer knowing about something that others consider to be "big surprises" before they happen. I don't like surprises. I can't control surprises. But people insist on doing things that surprise me. The irony of the phone call I got today? What they were telling me really wasn't a surprise and I honestly didn't care...not one bit. There was also other "surprising" news today, but I've given up on seeing anything that happens as a surprise. I haven't lost my distaste for surprises. I've just increased my "really don't care" threshold.

Yankees, Red Sox, Rays, and Rangers: I'm not an American League baby (I grew up with the Cubs), but I'm seriously astounded by the collapse of the Boston Red Sox. If it weren't for the Yankees saving their butts (yes, I just typed that), by beating the Rays, they Red Sox would not be leading the wild-card. Even with that said, the Angels are trying to close on the Rangers, and while the Rangers have held them off, the Angels have snuck up on the Red Sox! Why do I find this surprising? These are professional athletes and managers who have been in this position before. Some of the choices I see them making with lineups, pitchers, etc. are nothing short of...weird. Conspiracy? I won't go that far, but it definitely feels like some teams want to win and others are just out their playing at the game. Good luck to the Rays - I hope they catch the Sox, but watch out for those Angels - they aren't done yet!

Mystery Injuries: I've noticed that I have bruises that I don't know how I got and now my back is hurting and I don't remember doing anything to hurt it. I think I need to keep an eye on these things to see if I can find out what is going on and whether I need to tell my doctor. Hoping I've just been clumsier than usual and things will clear up soon.

Day 9: 9/20/11 - "Not Even the Trees"

"...You see I'm tired of feeling this pain
I'm tired of living my own little lie
And it makes me wonder
When I see you in my dreams
Does it mean anything
Are you trying to talk to me..."

- "Not Even the Trees" by Hooties & The Blowfish

Sad to Bed, Angry to Rise: I woke up angry again this morning. I can't make heads or tails of it. I keep thinking, "Did I dream about something that made me angry?" but all I remember is either a convoluted dream that just didn't make sense, or I don't remember my dream at all. But I still woke up angry, and not just "grumpy" as others have referred to me before, but all out, down right angry. As in, angry enough to kick something, angry enough to have a scowl on my face, and angry enough to get frustrated with the least little thing that does not go right. Case in point? I went to the fitness center, was bothered by a mosquito and in my efforts to swat him, I dropped my iPod. My normal reaction would have been to just sigh, pick up the iPod and get back on the elliptical. My reaction this morning? I went after the mosquito with a vengeance, gleefully smashed him, picked up my iPod and angrily got back on the elliptical for a pulse-pounding 15 minute workout...which I immediately castigated myself over because I only did 15 minutes. I wasn't going to win today, no matter what I did (or what others did). To put the cherry on top, when I got in to work, both of my 9 am desk staffers were out sick, so the prep time I had set aside for my class was gone since I had to open the desk.

Technology is a Bitch: A fickle, but alluring, bitch. Why do I say this? Because we find ourselves saddled with expensive pieces of equipment that either don't work right at all, or only work right occasionally, or require you to already know enormous amounts of information to use them...and then they break. I personally think that anything that cost $20,000 should work perfectly for at least a year before it is allowed to start acting up. And why do we put up with the crap that it delivers when we're the ones who paid for it? Random ranting done.

The Great Car Caper: I remember when I used to park my 1979 Mercury Cougar when I went to work and I would come out late at night and promptly forget where I parked my car. My first assumption, stupidly, was that someone had taken my car! Who in the hell would want a 1979 Mercury Cougar with shoddy brakes? I'm blaming youth for this. Today I parked my car in Lot 3 and when I left work, I walked to Lot 8. Needless to say, I didn't realize my error until I got to the lot and realized my car wasn't there, but not once did I think someone had stolen my 2009 Ford Focus...a much better car with lots of bells and whistles. I wonder why my assumptions have changed with age?

Day 8: 9/19/11 - "Innocence"

"What else can I do when the tears have all been wasted?
And the only voice you choose to hear
Sings the songs of our hearts breaking.
Say your dreams, they all have changed.
Well, my smiles, they all have faded.
And the thoughts that used to seem so pure in my heart
They now feel jaded.
Because I wanna feel Like I did.
And I wanna feel innocence."

-"Innocence" by Hootie & The Blowfish

Overwhelmed: That is the only word I can use to describe how I feel right now. I'll keep this posting short, mostly due to the fact that I'm too tired right now to put together one of my usual extra-long posts. I don't even know where to start with my list of things that need to be done. I'm trying to take care of things that need constant work but keep getting bull-dozed by things that need my immediate attention, along with things that are already past due. I'm desperately searching for some clarity in this difficult time. I'm feeling more and more tired each day and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up the pretense that I'm alright.

Play Through the Pain: I think I would have made a great professional athlete, for any sport that I might have tried. Why? Because obviously people applaud athletes who play through the pain. Break your leg but keep playing? You are great! Break a rib and puncture a lung and then come back in the game and lead your team on to a victory? You the man! If you can't see the sarcasm here, then you don't know me very well! Sorry fellas, but dying on the field only worked in places like Sparta during ancient times. You could be the ultimate hero in death - but I prefer to be the one who can return to fight (or play!) another day. It's not that I can't play through the pain - those who know me know that I live through the pain already! But you have to know your limits and a punctured lung is way beyond anyone's normal limits. What's next - a lacerated liver that bleeds out? Have fun surviving that one!

History: Congratulations Mariano Rivera - I may not be a Yankees fan but even I can appreciate his efforts and his overall dominance. Now, as long as the Yanks lose in the first round of the playoffs, all will be right with the world.